NOTE:
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In
the basement of Castle Alexandria, Dr. Tot is busily putting the finishing
touches on the machine he's been toying with since the previous night. A gargantuan
pile of used coffee filters in the corner offer silent testimony to how long
and hard he has worked.
Dr.
Tot: Almost done, almost done, kiyaahaahaa!!! In just a few
moments, my all-new Transmogrifier shall become a reality!!! Dumm dee duh dah
doo doo…if only those noisy kids don't barge in and totally trash it…
---
It
is a nice quiet morning in Castle Alexandria's dining hall, where sits a single
fist-sized muffin in the center of the table. But it is not to last.
Entire
Cast: THE LAST MUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!
All
dive for it and smack into each other, sending it 50 feet in the air. Freya,
being the highest jumper, grabs it in mid-air.
Freya: No
problem. One more notch on the—huh?!
She
lands gracefully on her feet staring incredulously at her empty hands. Her head
swivels over to Zidan who is dashing away with muffin in arms, like the grubby
little thief he is.
Zidan:
NYAHAHAHA! It's mine! It's mi—AAARRRRRGHH!
He
is still running, but now it's because his tail is on fire. Vivi turns his
outstretched hand palm-up and beckons, and the precious pastry flies over to
him.
Vivi: A-and
now, watch as I "disappear" this muffin! ARGH!
It
is "Tin Can" Steiner, not Vivi, who catches it. Vivi is now a pancake under
Steiner's great bulk.
Steiner: In
battle, there is no greater deed than assisting an ally, but when it comes to
the last muffin, ALL BETS ARE OFF! GAAHAAHAAHAAHAA—WHOAAAAAAAA!
Suddenly
he is rolling like a boulder down the corridor with Vivi pasted to him like a
sticker, courtesy of Amarant's foot. The muffin is sent flying into the air
once more, this time toward Amarant, who holds out his goatee for the muffin to
impale itself on.
Amarant: I am
WAY too cool to let you pantywaists have it. OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!
Instead,
it is Amarant's tushie that is impaled on Eiko's horn. Mog, being the devoted
pet he is, catches the muffin and hands it to her Mistress.
Amarant: (head
stuck in the ceiling) …Man, I hate kids.
Eiko: Tee
hee! Ladies first, don't you know!
Sh-lurp.
Eiko: HEY!
She
indignantly stares after Quina's retracting 100-foot tongue.
Quina:
Gourmand always get first dibs! You know or not? UWAAAAAAH! Boing! Boing!
Boing!
When
no basketball is available, a Qu will do just nicely, as Bahamut discovers for
the first time. As for the muffin, he catches it in his great jaws and flings
it over to his Mistress.
Garnet: Be
gone, peasants! The Queen of Alexandria is about to break fast. YELP!
She
releases the muffin, sending it flying yet again. Zidan once again grabs for
it, not caring whether he uses the hand that pinched Garnet's arse.
And
so it goes…
---
Meanwhile,
down in the basement, Dr. Tot isn't sure whether to scream his larynx dry at
the racket above, or kick his not-yet-finished machine in frustration.
Dr.
Tot: (:-8) MUST they do that THIS MAY TIMES A WEEK?????????
He
gulps another mouthful of coffee and tries to turns his attention back to his
work, not noticing that the clamor just grew louder.
Dr.
Tot: LAST time they broke my Chupon Inhaler Mark I over the last
BURMECIAN CREAM-FILLED DONUT! v_ó SOMEONE'S gonna get STRANGLED if it happens
again today!
The
noise grows still louder. He takes yet another gulp.
Dr.
Tot: Someone REALLY ought to give some thought to RESTOCKING
that accursed larder before those kids start to get HOMICIDAL…
One
more increase in volume suffices to turn his head. But now it is too late – a
gargantuan dust cloud making fighting noises is drifting dangerously close.
Everyone
in the cloud: OW! STOP THAT! LEGGO, YOU MENACE! AH! DON'T TOUCH ME
THERE! EEK! YOU ________ PERVERT! HAAA! THAT TICKLES!
Before
the poor Doc can do anything, a stray fist knocks over his coffee pot, spilling
the precious brown fluid all over the control panel.
A
flash of electricity, followed by a blinding explosion.
---
Eiko
is the first to awaken. She opens her eyes but sees nothing.
Eiko: {Why
is it so dark in here?}
Then
she realizes her hair is covering her eyes. As she pushes it apart, she notes
it doesn't quite feel the same. For one thing, it's tied up into thick
dreadlocks, not the simple downward cascade she's used to combing it into. For
another, she can't seem to feel her horn.
Eiko: ?!?!?!
Her
hand hits something hanging from her chin. It is a four-inch goatee.
Amarant's
four-inch goatee.
Eiko: OH,
MY GAWDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazingly
(considering the ridiculously high pitch of her voice), her scream wakes up
nobody but Garnet. In the dim basement light, Eiko can barely make her out.
Eiko: Hey,
you okay?
She
runs over to her former love rival, who for the most part appears normal.
Garnet:
[blink] [blink] (lets her eyes adjust to the near darkness) EIKO?!? WHAT
HAPPENED???? YOU LOOK JUST LIKE AMARANT!!!!?!!!
Eiko: Yeah
yeah, I see you haven't changed, rub it in will ya.
But
wait – what's that wriggling thing Garnet's sitting next to? Eiko rubs her
eyes, looks again, and FREAKS…
Eiko:
Hey!!??!
Garnet:
What????
Eiko: THE
BIGGEST, HAIRIEST CATERPILLAR I'VE EVER SEEN LOOKS LIKE IT WANTS TO BITE YOUR
BUTT!
Garnet: °o°
Are you SERIOUS? KILL IT! KILL IT!
So
Eiko HEAVES herself into the air and comes down hard on the thing.
It
sends a huge jolt of pain up Garnet's spinal cord.
Garnet:
SHRIEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eiko:
Wha!??? He bit you?
Garnet: Well,
no, that didn't feel like a bite so much as……!!
Inside
Garnet's head, a 500-megawatt light bulb switches on.
Inside
the basement, a 60-watt light bulb also switches on.
Garnet
looks down at the furry thing. She can move it as if it's part of her. And it
is.
Garnet: I,
I've got Zidan's tail!
Eiko: You
what? Oh. Sorry about that. [pout] Be glad YOU at least look cute.
Garnet
looks down and wags her tail for a moment.
Garnet:
[blush] You…think? [end blush] Agh, who cares about that now! We've got to find
the others!
Steiner: [walks
in] Princess, are you in here?
From
his forehead protrudes Eiko's missing horn. And while there are certainly a
number of people out there much wider than Steiner, in his current state he
could be mistaken for a really, really long pencil.
Eiko: Whoa! Hell
has frozen over and the Dork Knight has finally lost some weight! [ROOBL, Runs
Out Of Breath Laughing, then goes red with anger] BUT HE'S GOT MY HORN!!!!
Steiner:
[reaches up and touches it] By Helm, you're right! And Eiko, your head has
turned into a mop!
Eiko: sob…
Garnet:
Where's Zidan and the rest?
Zidan: [walks
over dejectedly, rubbing his butt where his tail once was] Man, how'm I gon'
'xplain this to th' babes?
Garnet:
:-( What was that, Zidan? I didn't quite catch that.
Zidan: [sees
Garnet] WOO-AH, SHAKE IT BABY!
Eiko: .\ _
/. mumble mumble [sees Zidan] EEK! Zidan, your face is all mutated!
He
prods at his face for a bit. It feels less ape-like and more lizard-like.
Zidan: What
in the HELL??? I've turned into FREYA!
Vivi:
[off-screen] C…can somebody g-give me a hand? I c-can't seem to get up.
Steiner: Master
Vivi? Where are you?
He,
Garnet, Zidan, and Eiko follow Vivi's voice. They find him lying belly-up on
what appears to be Amarant. Speaking of bellies, Vivi's traditional black mage
outfit now looks much smaller on him…
Eiko: Tee-hee-hee!
He's got Steiner's bell-eh!
Steiner: .\ _
/. That will do, Eiko!
With
much difficulty, they help Vivi to his feet, revealing a very bald and shaven
Amarant. His tongue has grown a couple feet.
Amarant: Mam,
hoh dof Qina talh wih thih ih heh mouh?
Zidan:
Huh?…………….M'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eiko: [also
LHAO] IF YOUR HAIR WASN'T ON ME RIGHT NOW YOU'D LOOK LIKE, LIKE, LIKE……THAT GUY
IN KISS, YOU KNOW…
Garnet: [isn't
laughing] Gene Simmons?
Eiko: YEAH!
HAHAHAHAHA—
WHANG.
Amarant: [politely
extricates his fist from Eiko's face] I ah WAH too coo to leh tha woh flide!
Freya: [walks
in] You know, we could stop sniggering at each other's deformities and—
Everyone
else: HEY!!
Freya: -find
out how to reverse them. Sorry, but abnormalities are abnormali—
Everyone
else: No, not that! Your face!
Freya:
[exasperated] Yes, yes I know! I traded faces with Zidan, is that right?
Zidan: Not
exactly.
Vivi:
Actually, Zidan did get your face, but um, you kinda got mine.
Sure
enough, his hat now sits atop his headless shoulders.
The
Dragon Knight pulls out her tiny mirror and looks. Instead of the reptilian
face she is so used to seeing, she sees a black orb with two yellow pinpoints
of light on it.
Freya:
[astounded] Well…this is…odd.
Steiner: So
we're all present and accounted for…except for Quina. Where's s/he?
Quina: I am
here.
The
now tongue-less gourmand waddles over. Unlike the others, she hasn't traded her
defining feature for anything,--
Zidan: Lucky
bum.
--as
she soon notices.
Quina: IN
GO-HAN'S NAME! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU ALL?
Zidan: WHAT?!
S/he and Dagger are the only ones who get an improvement?!?
Quina: Well,
my tongue impeded my speech until Amarant ate it. You still want the rest of
that, Amarant?
Amarant: I'h
noh eadinh ih! We ftuhbled ihto Dohta Toh's mathinh ah weh aw mutateh!
Eiko:
Speaking of Dr. Tot, where did he go?
Moments
later, insane screaming and furious pounding can be heard from the other end of
the basement. The gang runs over to take a look.
Dr.
Tot: [bludgeoning his broken Transmogrifier and everything
else around it with a sledgehammer] HFBVKSJGCHDHD! GXHGVWXGC HDBVDYVCHSTGFUA
SGCHDTSH ZSUDGSDGSY DJBKJS DJJ49JN49 NG89MNKFK KU489!!!!!!!!!
Zidan:
[starts towards him] Hey, Doc, we kinda need some help—
Garnet
holds him back by the arm.
Zidan: What?
Her
tail pulls a chalkboard over, and she dons a mortarboard and draws a diagram.
Garnet: Rule of
Living With Dr. Tot #1: If the device he is working on is destroyed by any
outside force, any stationary object within 50 yards of him is 100% guaranteed
to dissociate into tiny fragments within 30 seconds after the incident. This
phenomenon continues for a randomly determined period of time or until a
sedative is applied.
Zidan:
Ooooooooooooo—kay then. Since there is no way I'm going out in this
condition, we'll just let him steam.
The
party decides to evacuate the basement until conditions improve; i.e. Dr. Tot
Gets a Grip. Well, let's hope he does.
TO
BE CONTINUED
