Fun In The Dark
An Invader Zim Fanfic by KidKourage
Thrill As The Gang Views A Cinematic Masterpiece!
Today has been an interesting
day. I had junk food for breakfast,
which made me think of Gir. It was
raining, which made me think of Zim and Gaz and the 'umbrella incident.' I wore my trenchcoat so as not to get wet,
which made me think of Dib. People
looked at me funny cuz of my trenchcoat, which made me think of Johnny C. Soooooo, the long and the short of it is
that I decided to write another fanfiction!
It's amazing what can inspire you, eh?
Oh, and I don't own anything.
Nothing. Well…I do own
myself.
Just a quick note to say that this is
not really a flame of the movie 'Legally Blonde.' I actually kind of
enjoyed it. Those of you who liked it,
I'm not that critical. Those of
you who didn't, I'm just critical enough. You know, keeping the characters in character and all that…. So, on with the story already!
The scene is KidK's house! This time, I have an actual exact date for ya. I can say with utmost certainty that this
story takes place on July 13, 2001. At,
oh, let's say around 6:30. KidK invited
Dib and Gaz over for dinner, much to the chagrin of her Mom, who would now have
to cook for eight. But of course now
she'd have seven people to help with dishes, so it all worked out OK. Now that supper's over, however, our heroes'
thoughts turn to the rest of the evening.
Dib:
Thanks for dinner, Mrs….KidK's Mom!
KidK's Mom:
You're welcome, sweetie (Mom really does call everyone 'sweetie').
Mike-the-Brother: So
what are we going to do for the rest of the night? I don't wanna just sit around looking at all you guys for
hours.
Zim: If it comes to that, no one wants to
look at you either, human scum.
KidK: Boys, now don't fight…
Zim: He started it!
Mike-the-Brother: Oh,
sure, blame me.
Gaz (looking up from her game):
Knock it off or I'll knock you off!
Mike-the-Brother and Zim: O_o ………………….
KidK: Well, that worked good.
Dib:
Hey, let's check out the paper and see if there are any movies or
anything we can go see.
Mike-the-Brother:
Hey, yeah! Good idea!
KidK: Dib—every bored kid's hero. ^_^
Zim: Feh.
Gir: We goin' to the movies? Wheeeehoo!
Gaz: Well, that depends on if there's any good
movies showing.
Dib (poring over the newspaper):
Well, let's see…we've got 'Dr. Doolittle II,' 'Cats and Dogs,' 'Scary
Movie II,' 'Legally Blonde,' 'Tomb Raider,' and 'The Score.'
KidK (sarcastically):
Gee, it's so hard to pick, what with all these great summer movies…
Gaz: Not 'Tomb Raider.' That Lara Croft sickens me, and I hear it has nothing to do with
the game at all!
Zim: I'm not gonna sit through another movie with
Eddie Murphy in it…(shudder) not after you made me watch 'The Klumps' on ABC
that time…now that was madness.
Dib: We're really not allowed to see R rated
movies…
Mike-the-Brother:
Sure we can! KidK's our legal
guardian!
Dib: Somehow I don't think anyone would believe
that.
KidK (off in the background):
I'm gonna eat all the Buncha-Crunch!
Gir:
And looooootsa popcorn!
Mike-the-Brother: I
see what you mean. So 'Scary Movie' and
'The Score' are out, and I will not watch 'Cats and Dogs.' Somehow, animatronic animals are more
disturbing than cute.
Gaz: So that leaves 'Legally Blonde…' (she shudders) But we hafta go do something…
Dib: So 'Legally Blonde' it is!
KidK (paying attention again):
'Legally Blonde?' What time?
Dib: Says here 7:15.
KidK: OK, good.
(yelling) Mom! We're going out to the movies!
KidK's Mom: Fine, honey, have fun!
Everyone goes out to the car, and the gang makes the drive
over to the Regal Cinemas next to the Burlington Center mall. KidK, as usual shells out her hard-earned
(well, not really) money to get six tickets.
Zim:
I know I've said this before, but is there really a reason why we must
pay so much for so little?
KidK: No.
And think how much snacks are gonna be.
Gir: I want popcorn! And little soggy pretzel things with cheese substitute on
'em! And candy! And—
KidK: How about just the popcorn?
Gir: Okay!
^_^
They all get in the vastly long line to get movie
snacks. Finally, it's their turn.
Food Vendor Jimmy: Ken ah hep you? (why do
movie theaters only hire stupid people?)
KidK: Er, yeah.
Guys, make your picks.
Mike-the-Brother:
Raisinets.
Gaz: Sour Patch Kids.
Dib: Sno Caps.
Zim: I'm not eating your un-food.
Gir: Gimme all the popcorn!
KidK: And I want Buncha-Crunch.
Food Vendor Jimmy:
Duhhhh…so that's Raisinets, Sour Patch Kids, Sno Caps, all the popcorn,
and Buncha-Crunch.
KidK: Wait, not all the popcorn. Just a large tub.
Food Vendor Jimmy (holding up a giant plastic
vat): A large tub is all the popcorn.
KidK:
O_o …………………okay, make it a small.
Food Vendor Jimmy:
Derrrrr…okay.
He miraculously manages to get the food together, and so
the six go over to the ticket ripper.
Ticket
Ripper JoAnn (snottily): Gimme yer tickets.
Zim: We don't have to take sass from you,
you thieving monkey! These tickets are ours!
Dib: Zim, you dope. You just give the girl the ticket and she rips it so you can't
(air quotes) accidentally use it again another day.
Gaz: Oh, yeah, like you didn't think she
was stealing the tickets last time we came…you started screeching about
a conspiracy to take kids' money and then not give them a movie!
Dib (embarrassed):
^_^* Why did you hafta bring that up?
Gaz: Cuz you were bugging me.
Mike-the-Brother:
Let's just go already.
Ticket Ripper JoAnn: Aw
yew gonna gimme the tickets, or am ah gonna kawl sekyuritay?
KidK (forking over the tickets): Oh,
here. You don't hafta be so
melodramatic.
Ticket Ripper JoAnn (just doin' her job):
That's-Theatre-Three-on-the-left-enjoytheshowandpleasecomeagain.
Zim (muttering angrily):
Stupid beasts and their stupid customs…
The gang heads over to Theatre Three, which turns out to
be one of the bigger variety at Regal.
At this particular cineplex, there's the dinky little non-stadium rooms,
the mid-sized one floor stadium theatres, and the monstrous two floor stadiums
the size of a small country. In the
latter variety, all sound seems to echo, cuz it's so darned big.
Mike-the-Brother:
Where should we sit?
Gir (running down to the front aisle): Here!
Whee, all up close an' personal!
KidK: Sitting there hurts my eyes. We hafta go up to the second tier at least.
They go up the little carpeted stairs to the upper
section.
Dib
(pointing): How about this row?
Gaz:
Fine. (she moves in six seats
and sits down)
Mike-the-Brother:
Yeah, good. (oh, like he didn't
just wanna sit with Gaz)
Gir:
I wanna sit with Mikey! (he
skips down the row and plops down next to Mike-the-Brother, spilling popcorn
all over the place)
KidK:
Well, I'm in the aisle seat, cuz that's always where I sit…
Zim:
I'll sit next to you then.
Dib (elbowing Zim in the ribs): Heh
heh, gonna try something in the dark, Zim?
Zim (he doesn't get it): No,
these people haven't yet done anything to deserve doom at the hands of the
Irken elite.
Dib:
That's not what I meant.
KidK
(she does get it): Just sit down. The previews are gonna start.
Mike-the-Brother: So, who's taking bets on whether or not that commercial will be
on again?
Zim:
What commercial?
Mike-the-Brother: The one with Bri—
Gaz:
Don't even say it!
KidK:
Yeah, you'll jinx us!
Dib:
There's no point in trying to delude ourselves. There is Pepsi in our immediate
futures…
At just that
moment, the theatre gets darker and the screen stops showing its reel of
pointless ads and trivia. There is a
horrible sound like nails screeching along a blackboard…oh, wait, that's just
the Britney Spears Pepsi commercial that Regal shows before every movie. KidK has her usual reaction:
KidK: Nooooooooo!
Zim: Ack, not that stupid woman with the stomach
again!
Gir: I like Britneeeeeeey. 'Ba ba ba ba baaaaaa. The joy of Pepsi! Yeah!'
Gaz: I'm gonna puke.
Mike-the-Brother: Too late, it's over.
Next, the
moviegoers were subjected to the commercial for XM, a new internet-based radio
network. Then there was the commercial
for SUVs featuring Tiger Woods. Then
there was one for Fandango, the internet place where you can buy movie
tickets. And then--
Very Angry Man (in an aisle way behind our heroes): Enough with the stupid commercials
already! I didn't spend eight bucks to
see stuff I can see for free!
God, this place disgusts me; I don't know why I come anymore, just to
see your pandering to blatant commercialism!
KidK (leaning over to talk to Gir): Gir, does that voice sound familiar to you?
Gir (pulling his head out of the popcorn tub): I'm poppin' fresh!
KidK:
Nevermind.
After some
seriously way too long previews for movies like 'Jimmy Neutron' and 'Planet of
the Apes,' the movie finally began with a happy, happy tune sung by Hoku.
Zim: What's with the girl on the bike? Is she the star?
KidK: Naw, that's not Reese Witherspoon…
Zim: So what's she doing?
KidK
(exasperated): I don't know! I've never seen this before!
Zim: Oh.
Can I have some of your candy?
KidK
(passing over the box): Oh, here,
Mister I-Don't-Want-Any.
Loud Guy
in the Back: Wowie! Sorority girls! Cheerleaders!
Everyone
Else in the Theatre: ………………………….
They watch
for a while as Elle Woods, played by the cute and extremely blonde Reese
Witherspoon, prepares for an important date with her boyfriend, Warner Huntington,
played by Matthew Davis, who I've never heard of before.
Gaz: This shopping thing is just so…stupid.
Mike-the-Brother: That's a nice dress, though.
Gaz: Are you kidding? It's too bright! And stop
drooling!
A few
moments later, poor Elle is humiliated to discover that Warner doesn't want to marry
her, he wants to break up with her!
Oh, poor rejected Elle!
KidK: Wahahahahaaaaa! That's what you get!
Dib: Jealous, are we?
KidK:
Why'd I be jealous of her? She
just got ditched by a snotty rich boy!
Who's ugly as sin!
Mike-the-Brother: At least she had a boyfriend to begin with…
Zim:
Are we talking or are we watching?
In the next
section, Elle decides that if Warner is going to Harvard Law, then so is
she. Like, girl power! And whatnot…
Dib:
God I hope that they don't really do admissions at Harvard like this…
KidK:
Nawwww, just at Harvard Law.
It's me who has to worry, not you.
Dib:
You gonna be a lawyer?
KidK:
It all depends on this movie. If
this ditz can succeed, then so can I.
Mike-the-Brother: Look, it's the bathing suit scene!
Gir:
What a cute doggy! Awwww, it's
all little and bug-eyed…
Gaz:
The dog is bigger than her whole swimsuit! And it's a chihuahua!
KidK:
Thrill as Harvard admissions director guys drool over a young woman in a
bikini! This story at 11.
Loud Guy in the Back: Take it off!
Everyone Else in the Theatre: ……………………………….
Needless to
say, Elle gets into Harvard Law. Or
else there wouldn't be any more to the movie.
She goes to class with her cute, fluffy, and above all pink pen
and notebook and is surprised when everyone takes out laptops.
Dib: Is that really how it works in grad school?
KidK: Never been, so don't know.
Zim:
These stupid humans and their stupid learning! On Irk we just get implanted with all the knowledge we
need.
Dib:
I guess you were hiding behind the door when it was your turn for the
shot, then, huh?
Gaz:
Shut up! I want to hear
this! The teacher's humiliating
her!
Gir (full of despair): Poor Elly!
That pinchy-faced lady is so…mean!
Elle meets a
beauty parlor worker! And gives her
love advice! And does a little dance
with the other customers! Woo!
Gir: Yay!
The funny hair ladies are so happy!
KidK:
And once again the day is saved, thanks to…Elle Woods and her extreme
powers of flirting!
Everyone But Dib: Hahahahaha!
Dib:
Hey, how come you laugh when she does it?
Next, our
bouncy heroine has a rude awakening when Warner's new fiancée (*gasp*) is snide
at her and tricks her into wearing a costume to a party.
Gaz (sarcastically): Oh, you know she's just jealous cuz
she's a brunette…
Zim:
Is status really based on hair color on this planet?
Dib:
No, but it's an old, old joke that blondes are really stupid.
Zim looks critically at KidK, then grabs a fistful
of her hair.
KidK:
Hey!
Zim:
It can't be true. KidK's blonde!
Dib:
But not extremely blonde like the character in the movie.
KidK:
Yeah, I really don't think of myself as blonde, because you know
I'm a genius.
Zim:
Right.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, gag me.
Gaz (mocking him): With a spoon?
KidK (malevolently): With a spork.
Loud Guy in the Back: Bunny costume! Yeah, baby! Shake that
tail!
Everyone Else in the Theatre: …………………………..
Elle begins
to get respect from her peers and teachers!
Yay! She earns good grades and
even gets a position as an intern for a real case! She's well on her way to being a successful attorney! Good for her!
Gir: Goody goody! Elly's gonna get to go to court!
Dib: This really restores my faith in the
legal system…KidK?
KidK: Yes?
Dib: Please
become a lawyer…we all need you to balance out all this…wrongness.
Gaz:
You know, the teacher guy also picked the snotty fiancée,
what's-her-name. I'll bet she and Elle
learn to work out their differences and become best friends. Just like in real life, right?
Loud Guy in the Back: He just wants to get with them!
Very Angry Man: Oh, that is it!
Here we are, trying to enjoy the movie, however stupid it is, and you
just can't keep your filthy mouth shut!
There are children here!
Do you think they need to hear you say things like that? Is it your goal in life to poison the
minds of the young, you sick, twisted nothing?
Well, I'll give you something to yell about, that's for sure!
There's a
shout from the back of the theatre, and presently two figures make their way
down the middle aisle—one with a bony hand clamped around the neck of the
other, pushing him along. They pass the
gang's row, and KidK makes an observation.
KidK
(surprised): Johnny? Johnny from the 7-11?
'Nny (looking down at her and grinning): Oh, hey Missy! How're ya doing?
Gir:
Hiya, silly shirt man!
'Nny:
Hi…Gir, right? Sorry I can't
talk right now, but I've gotta go deal with this pathetic piece of
waste.
KidK:
Er, yeah. See ya.
'Nny (waving with his free hand): Bye bye!
(to the Loud Guy) Move it! Oh, what pain I will exact upon you
for ruining the movie for an innocent girl and her little friends…
Loud Guy (now not so loud): *squeak*
And then the
movie continued as usual, without any more lewd interruptions. Oddly enough, however, the Loud Guy was
actually correct in his opinion of Elle's lawyer…professor…guy. Elle was doing a really good job on her
case, getting an alibi from the suspect and whatnot. So of course she was really surprised when it turned out that she
was picked for the job because of her incredible looks, not her incredible
brain.
Gir: He made Elly cry, the meanie!
KidK:
Remind me not to sign up for internships…ever. They only end in tears.
Zim:
But I'll bet my lab that this'll all be resolved within the next fifteen
minutes. Human movies are so
predictable.
Dib:
Yeah, that's why you screamed at the end of 'The Sixth Sense.'
Mike-the-Brother: And threw nachos at the TV.
KidK:
And grabbed me and asked if I was dead.
Zim:
That was different! That
was an innovative masterpiece, while this is a mere (air quotes) summer
movie.
Gaz:
Can you guys shut up? You can
debate the relative merits of the movie later…and far away from me.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, look, it's Elle's day in court!
Elle proves
that her client couldn't have murdered her husband, and that some other woman did,
because of something to do with washing her hair when she had a perm. I don't remember exactly who or what. Anyway, it's better that I can't remember,
cuz now if you haven't seen it I won't have told you everything. Anyway, they all live happily ever blonder.
Mike-the-Brother: Heh. That bimbo was
valedictorian! You must be pretty
embarrassed, sis.
KidK:
Mike, it's a movie. Of course
she's valedictorian. She has to
be or else the other people watching this movie wouldn't realize that she's
smart. They need tangible evidence or
their minds can't grasp it.
Dib:
That's our KidK. A real philosopher.
Zim:
She's right! Humans are so
stupid. You people will watch anything!
Gaz:
Like you didn't enjoy it.
Zim:
I came to see this film hoping to learn something of the human legal
system, but I can tell you right now that if it's anything like in the
movie your society is doomed! And it's
doomed anyway because you fill your minds with…stuff…like this!
KidK:
I liked it! It was somewhat
funny! And that's all it's really for,
you know. Just a little bit of
entertainment.
Gir (singsong): I luv Elly! I luv
Elly! Heehee! I luv Bruiser! I luv Bruiser!
(the chihuahua) Heehee!
And so the
movie was over, and the gang left their seats.
Gir's was, not surprisingly, a little stickier and a lot more covered
with popcorn than when they arrived. It
was getting kind of late, around 9:00, so KidK dropped Dib and Gaz off at their
house.
Gaz
(after KidK pulls away): I saw
you staring at Reese Witherspoon.
Dib: I wasn't!
Not any more than you have to to watch a movie, anyway.
Gaz:
Don't even try to deny it.
Remember, next time you bug me, I will tell everyone at school.
Later that
night, at KidK's house, everyone has gone to bed except KidK and her Dad. That's because KidK takes after her father
in her inability to fall asleep before midnight. So while everyone else snored away, KidK's Dad played Madden
Football 64 and KidK relaxed on her bed with her true passion, manga, and a
Walkman with her homemade Aqua tape inside.
KidK (singing softly): C-A-L-L-ING now, I'm calling you! Calling you now!
There's a
faint tapping at her window, and she looks up from her comic book to see the
upside-down silhouette of a face in her window. A shadowy hand waves at her maniacally.
KidK (edging over to the window): Er…(she hauls up the heavy window) 'Nny?
'Nny:
Hey, you remembered my nickname!
I'm flattered.
KidK:
Um, how did you get here?
'Nny (pointing a thin finger): Drainpipe.
KidK:
No, I mean to my house.
How'd you know where I live?
'Nny (again with the pointing): I recognized your car. (he looks preoccupied) Um…you wouldn't happen to have any band-aids
or Neosporin, would you?
KidK (alarmed): Why? Are you hurt?
Johnny
dangles a skinny arm into KidK's line of vision, and she sees that it's badly
scratched, with the shirt torn and everything.
'Nny:
That guy from the theatre really put up a fight! I think he was high or something. That tends to make 'em more…difficult.
KidK: That's gonna need more than a band-aid,
'Nny.
'Nny: You'd be surprised.
KidK:
No, I'm gonna get you the good surgical gauze Mom keeps for
emergencies. You just wait there…up on
my roof…
She goes off
to the bathroom and finds the first-aid stuff.
She makes a considerable amount of noise while doing this.
KidK's
Dad (from the livingroom): Missy? Are you OK?
KidK:
Yeah, no problem, just goin' to the bathroom…(thinking) No, nothin' wrong with me…just
getting medical supplies for a crazed killer…
She returns
to her room with the necessary stuff, to find that Johnny has disappeared from
the window and her Walkman has vanished as well.
KidK
(sticking her head out the window):
'Nny?
'Nny (looking over the edge of the roof—wearing
her headphones): Yeah? Oh, hey, you got it! Thanks bunches! (he grabs the first-aid stuff from her and starts working on his
arm) Incidentally, what's this music?
KidK:
Aqua.
'Nny:
Is the whole tape like this?
KidK:
Yeah. Well, it's got some
Everclear and Macy Gray at the end when the Aqua ran out…
'Nny:
I like it! It's totally
pointless, and yet has a pervasive message of happiness that just isn't present
in most of today's whiny,
'oh-pity-me-my-life's-so-terrible-though-I-have-no-idea-of-the-true-horrors-out-there-but-I'm-gonna-pretend-so-you'll-like-me'
music.
KidK:
What do you know? We've got the
same opinion.
'Nny:
Well, I'm all wrapped up, so I guess I'll leave you to your sleep.
KidK:
Are you okay to go home?
'Nny:
Not to go home. Nah, I'm
too awake now to go sit at my place.
I'm gonna take a walk. (out of
nowhere) Can I borrow your tape? I'll give it back…
KidK:
Um, sure.
'Nny (taking out the tape and handing back the
Walkman): What a nice girl you
are. You hardly know me and you're
willing to give me medical help and entertainment. It's amazing that there can still be people like you in this
world.
KidK (embarrassed again): ^_^*
Oh, I don't know…
'Nny:
And it's better that you don't.
Well, it was good seeing you again!
(he grins scarily) And now that
I know where your house is, I can visit you!
KidK:
Yeah, that'd be nice. Well, bye
for now!
Johnny leaps from the roof, then turns to regard
KidK in her window.
'Nny:
And by the way, Missy…the beast monster in your closet says hi! (he disappears into the shadows)
KidK (thinking): …Oh, God, the closet monster's not back, is it? Now I'll never sleep…wait, how stupid
am I? Obviously just a trick…isn't
it? This is what I get for
having interesting friends…
And even later that
night…or earlier in the morning, I should say…
'Nny
(writing): Dear Die-ary…Today I went to
the movies and saw a film about some very pointless people and the pointless
things they concern their pointless lives with. It was funny! There was a
man who talked a lot during the movie, and was annoying everyone with his
emissions of pathetic noise…(he smiles evilly) but I made sure he'd never talk
again! Then I went to see Missy, and
she gave me a tape…(he pauses before continuing) Missy is my new friend…I really hope I don't accidentally kill
her.
The End!
And The Morals Of
The Story Are:
1.) Blondes do have more fun!
2.) Dib
likes Reese Witherspoon!
3.) Gir likes popcorn! (well, no doy)
4.) Aqua is
fun for all ages and degrees of sanity!
And,
most importantly…
5.) If you
have a distinctively colored car, homicidal maniacs can find out where you live!
