Gundam 1/2
by
Nin Tendo
Chapter 1 ~ Here's Duo
~ Disclaimer ~ Go ahead and sue!!! I'll plead insanity!!! BWAHAHAHA!!! (I don't own Gundam Wing or Ranma 1/2)
Nin: Now, before we start, I'd like to answer a question that one of my honored reviewers asked:
"Why the heck is Dr. J playing Cologne???" ~Kaori
Nin: The weird thing is, I actually have a REASON!!! (collective gasp from the audience) Yes, a REASON!!! I am floored by the sheer reasonibility of my REASON!!!
Anonymous Reader: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!
Nin: FINE. ...Anyway, my REASON (!!!) goes as follows: One - Clear your head of any rational thoughts, as they are illegal in the land of insanity. Two - Take deep, calming breaths. And three - Imagine Dr. J perched on top of his cane like a vulture, hopping around pogo-stick style!!! snort guffaw
Anonymous Reader: ...
Nin: Feel free to ask any more questions!
Anonymous Reader: (thinking) Oh, please, God, no...
=======================================================================================
"Hi, I'm baaaaaack!!!" Nin shrieked.
"Heeeeeeere's Ninny!!!" Duo cracked, still pissed off at her for turning him into a woman. (He's male at the moment, BTW)
Everyone laughed (including Nin).
Nin collapsed to the floor in mirth. "That was a good one, Duo!" she said, wiping her watery eyes, still chuckling.
"Do you have ANY pride?" Duo grumbled (AHHH!!! The OOC aliens have struck again!!!).
"Um...nope." Nin smiled, then turned around to drag someone in behind her.
"I'd like everyone to meet your costume designer, Mizyuki-chan! Say hi, Misyuki-chan!"
The brown-haired, green-eyed Caucasian female looked around the room, and said, "MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!"
'Oh, dear, God, no,' the Gundam people thought. 'Not ANOTHER one!!!'
A moment later, Lady Une and the Mad Scientists gulped. That Mizyuki girl was glaring at them like they were the crud between her toes.
Suddenly, Mizyuki lept forth and...glomped Duo, squealing like an infatuated school-girl.
"Ahh...er...uh..." Duo stuttered, trying to remove her person from him before he ended up like Trieze, who was STILL unconscious.
Hilde knocked Duo out with a mallet, then glared at Mizyuki like she was an annoying Cool-Aid stain.
Mizyuki glared back, like Hilde was a bug that flew up her nose.
"Wow, you guys!!!" Nin interrupted. "Is there ANY way that you guys could be MORE in-character!!! You guys are amazing! Duo, you look SO Ranma-ish lying on the floor, half-dead. And HILDE!!! Words cannot describe!!!"
Mizyuki and Hilde snapped back to reality. Everyone was staring at them. They laughed nervously.
"Well, Mizyuki," Hilde spat, "you'd better get working on those costumes."
"I'll be sure to spend extra time on YOUR costume, Hilde," Mizyuki sneered.
"You guys are friends ALREADY! I'm so HAPPY!!" Nin exclaimed.
Everybody sweat-dropped.
"The costume room is over there, Mizyuki-chan!" Nin continued, pointing in the appropriate direction.
With a final glare in Hilde's direction, Mizyuki left for the costume room.
"Uh...didn't you say that anyone who flamed because of the OOC or character bashing would be included in the next chapter?" Quatre asked.
"Yeah, why do you want to know?" Nin replied.
"Well, I was wondering what Mizyuki-chan did to deserve this."
"Huh?" Nin looked confused. "She asked me to put her in the next chapter, so I did."
"She ASKED???" Quatre exclaimed, wondering why she had voluntarily agreed to the heinous torture.
"What's so bad about asking to be in the next chapter?" Nin asked.
"Well, you DID make it clear that you were going to bash everyone in the story..."
"True, true," Nin answered. "But you should just SEE what I have planned for the people who flame me for the OOC and bashing!"
Quatre shivered in fear. He WAS psychic, after all.
"Whoa!" Nin exclaimed. "How much space have I wasted already on this chapter?! It's time to get down to business!!! Have you guys memorized your lines?"
"What lines?" Noin asked.
"D'OH!!!!" Nin shouted.
(One month later....)
"So, did you guys memorize your lines, characters, situations, martial arts moves, and everything else that I might have forgotten at some point?"
"Yes, unfortunately," the Gundam people muttered.
Nin turned to Mizyuki. "And did you finish the costumes, Mizyuki-chan?"
"Hai!" Mizyuki exclaimed. It was found that Mizyuki was actually very Duo-like when she wasn't insanely jealous. Therefore, she became very well loved by the Gundam people. Excluding Hilde. And Lady Une and the scientists, who were extremely paranoid around her for some reason.
"All the costumes for this part are done!!" Mizyuki continued, then smiled at Duo. (He woke up recently)
Hilde glared at Mizyuki.
'Such good friends,' Nin thought to herself, smiling. "Okay, on with Part 1! I'd like to inform everyone that, since there are a lot of 'extras', everyone who doesn't appear for awhile will play the extras!!! Here's the cast for this part, in order of appearance, too!"
Nin held up a piece of paper, which said:
~~~
Quatre ~ the mailman
Instructor H ~ Soun Tendo
Lady Une ~ Kasumi Tendo
Noin ~ Nabiki Tendo
Hilde ~ Akane Tendo
Duo ~ Ranma Saotome
Master O ~ Genma Saotome
Professor G ~ EXTRA
Wufei ~ EXTRA
Trowa ~ EXTRA
Sally ~ EXTRA
~~~
"Notice that the extras listed are the only ones who will actually talk. Everyone without a current role will be part of the crowd. Now, everyone get in their costumes!!!"
"I have a question," Heero said.
"What is it?" Nin asked.
"I was wondering how you will be refering to everone. Instructor H, Lady Une, Noin, and Hilde aren't related, so which surname will you be using?"
"Good question," Nin murmered. "I GOT IT! I'll use the Ranma 1/2 surnames!!"
(And so, FINALLY, we get to start the play!!! ...Notice that it'll be slightly different than the manga)
=======================================================================================
(Welcome to the Tendo school of Anything-Goes martial arts!!! n_n)
Quatre, dressed up as a mailman, walks up to a traditional Japanese home and dojo, and shouts, "Mr. Tendo! Your mail!"
Instructor H Tendo steps outside, and accepts the mail. He's dressed in a dark gi. He walks back inside, and sits down in the tea room. He looks through his mail, and comes across a postcard with a picture of a panda on one side. It has the following written on it:
~~~
Hi.
Bringing Duo from China.
Saotome.
~~~
"D-Duo? Coming here?" Instructor Tendo said, tears flowing down his face, shaking slightly. "Oh, how I've W-W-WAITED for this day!"
Instructor Tendo lept to his feet, shouting, "Hey! Une! Noin! Hilde!"
He peeked in the kitchen, where Une Tendo is slicing watermelon, her hair in a ponytail, wearing an apron over her modest dress. "UNE!!" he shouted.
"Yes, Daddy?" Une replied, turning around, holding a really big knife in one hand. (Get it away from her!!!! AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!)
A moment later, Instructor Tendo barges into Noin Tendo's room, where she is lying down on her bad, reading manga, and eating a popsicle. "NOIN!!" he shouted.
"Mm?" Noin replied, looking up. She's wearing a tanktop and jean shorts.
Scant seconds after, Instructor Tendo rushed into Hilde Tendo's room, shouting, "HILDE!!"
However, no one is there.
"Where IS that girl?"
Hilde Tendo jogged down the street, wearing a tanktop, shorts, sneakers, and a towel drapped over her shoulders. Her long hair (she's wearing a wig, BTW) is tied into a loose ponytail.
"Hi, I'm hoooome!" she shouted, as she ran inside the gate. She proceeded to the dojo, where she changed into a gi, and placed some cement bricks in front on her.
"HYAAHH!" Hilde shouted, punching the bricks. Time stopped. "OOOOOOWWWWW!!!!" Hilde screamed, totally unexpectedly. "THAT'S REAL CEMENT!!! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PROP!!!"
Mizyuki smiled evily, and laughed her evil laugh. Of course, no one noticed, because evil laughs were getting pretty routine at the moment.
"CUT!" Nin shouted. "Someone get the REAL prop! We have to finish this scene!" She sighed. "And it was going so WELL, too!"
Hilde glared at Mizyuki. It was totally obvious that it was HER fault. But did Nin notice? Nooooo. Nin was totally OBLIVIOUS.
Zechs replaced the bricks with fake ones, and the scene starts again...
"HYAAHH!" Hilde shouted, punching the bricks, with her LEFT hand, this time. They crumbled into dust. "Ahhh!" she sighed, wiping her forehead. "That was nice."
"There you go again, Hilde. No wonder the boys all think you're so weird."
Hilde turned to see Noin behind her, who has put on some sandals.
Hilde semi-glares at her. "So why should I care? Not EVERYBODY thinks the world revolves around BOYS, Noin."
Noin tuns around and heads back to the house. "No? Then I guess this wouldn't interest YOU."
Hilde looks interested, then follows her into the tea room, where her father and Une are waiting.
It starts to rain outside. Not a good omen... (Get used to it, people...n_n)
"Fiance?" Une asked.
"Yes," Instructor H replied. "The son of a very good friend of mine. The son's name is Duo Saotome. If one of you three girls were to marry him, and carry on this training center, then the Tendo family legacy would be secure."
"Wait a minute!" Hilde exclaimed, standing up. "Don't WE have some say in who we marry?"
Noin took a sip of lemonade.
"Hilde's right, Daddy," Une said, looking concerned. "We've never even MET Duo."
Instructor H chuckled. "That's easily fixed."
(Scene switcheroo!!! Welcome to downtown Nerima!!! n_n)
It's starting to rain here, too. Several passer-by notice some strange sounds behind them, and they turn around. They're rather surprised to see a giant panda chasing a red-haired girl down the street.
Duo-onna is wearing a red, Chinese shirt with golden clasps, and black pants. A pair of bracers are around her wrists. She is carrying her shoes and backpack in one hand.
O-panda is wearing nothing. (hehehe...n_n)
O-panda takes a swipe at Duo-onna, but she dodges by jumping in the air, letting go of her shoes and backpack to gain speed. She kicks O-panda in the cheek, shouting, "YO! CUT THAT OUT!!"
O-panda slides across the slippery street, as people jump out of the way.
"Say--" Professor G said, "is that a PANDA?"
"That IS a panda, isn't it?" Wufei replied.
O-panda spits out a tooth, then gets into a ready stance.
"Your move," Duo-onna said.
O-panda lept forward with a barrage of punches.
Dodging, Duo-onna shouted, "Well, I STILL say this whole thing SUCKS! Picking my fiancee for me without even ASKING!!" She grabbed O-panda by the arm, and threw him into a street sign.
Duo-onna looked him over, making sure that he was immobile. She flicked her braid over her shoulder, and said, "I'm going back to CHINA! Suck on THAT, old man!"
She turned, and walked off in the direction that they had come. O-panda crept up behind her, and bashed her over the head with the dislodged street sign. He slung her over his shoulder.
"Panda. Big one," Trowa whispered.
"Man. Hmm," Sally whispered back.
O-panda growled at them, and the extras ran away in fear.
(Scene switcheroo!!! Welcome back to the Tendo home and dojo!)
"Duo and his father have been on a voyage of training. Recently, it seems, they crossed into China," Instructor Tendo continued.
"Wow! CHINA!" Noin exclaimed.
"What's so great about walking to China?" Hilde mumbled, glaring at the wall.
"Is he cute?" Noin asked.
"How old is he?" Une questioned. "Younger men bore me."
"What kind of guy IS this Duo?" they aske in sync.
Instructor Tendo chuckled at their curiousity, then suddenly became dead-serious, and replied, "No idea."
"'No idea'?" Noin repeated, looking a little dangerous.
"I've never met him," answered Instructor Tendo.
Luckily, any bodily harm was avoided, because strange sounds were heard from the gate. Someone was shouting something like, "LEGGO, Y'OL' FOOL!" It also sounded like a fight was going on.
"Hm?" Noin wondered.
Une stood up. "We have visitors!"
Noin and Instructor Tendo dashed toward the door.
"OOOO! It must be DUO!" Noin shrieked. (This scares me for some unexplained reason...o.o)
"Saotome, my friend! We've been waiting!" Instructor Tendo shouted.
'Oh, I HOPE he's older!' Une wished. (GAAHH!!! o.o)
'How depressing. BOYS!' Hilde screamed inside her mind.
Noin and Instructor Tendo ran back inside, a panda on their heels.
Duo-onna looked up from where she was still slung over the panda's shoulder. "Hey! YO! You're scaring 'em SPITLESS!" she shouted ay O-panda.
"Daddy...THIS...is your FRIEND?" Une asked.
Instructor Tendo frantically shook his head.
"Oh. So this PANDA just decided to VISIT! Happens all the TIME!" Noin shouted
Instructor Tendo shook his head again.
O-panda finally decided to release his...er...son. Instructor Tendo stared at 'him'.
"You...wouldn't be..." he asked.
Duo-onna looked away and nervously played with her braid. "Duo Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."
Instructor Tendo grabbed her by the shoulders, and shouted, "At LAST! You've COME!"
Noin looked at Duo-onna. "Oooo! He's CUTE!" (BWAAAAAH!!! O.O)
Hilde just GLARED.
Instructor Tendo pulled Duo-onna into a MANLY hug. (bwahaha...) He noticed something 'strange', so he pulled back, and looked at Duo-onna more closely. Noticing what was wrong, he tried to speak, but his mouth failed him.
"Hmm?" Noticing her father's expression, Noin looked at her 'fiance' a little closer. And closer still. Finally, she leaned over, and poked Duo-onna's chest. Then she poked it again, just to be sure. (You know, this is getting kind of disgusting....barf...)
"Um...could you stop that?" Duo-onna asked, looking very embarrassed.
Noin glared at her fainted father. "HE is a GIRL."
A few minutes later, when Instructor Tendo regained consciousness...and immediately started bawling.
"Oh, poor Daddy. He's SO disappointed," Une murmered, wetting a cloth to place on her father's forehead to calm him down.
"HE'S disappointed! Some fiance THIS is!" Noin shouted, indicating the girl sitting beside her, who was doing her best to not listen to the conversation.
Hilde semi-glared at her sisters, and said, "Stop it, you two! He...SHE...is our GUEST!"
Totally ignoring her younger sibling, Noin continued to yell at her father. "This is all your fault, Daddy! You should have made SURE!"
Instructor Tendo stopped bawling long enough to shout, "Well, he said he had a SON!!"
Noin started to..ah...grope Duo-onna again (bleeeeech!). "Do YOU see a son here? HMM? DO you?" Noin said, sarcastically.
Duo-onna blushed, and tried to ignore what Noin was doing. "Um..." she whispered. "I really wish you'd stop that."
Hilde noticed Duo-onna's discomfort, so, when Noin removed her offending hand, she stood up, and said, "Hy. Join me in the practice hall? I'm Hilde. You want to be friends?"
Duo-onna looked up at Hilde, a small smile on her face.
"KAWAII!!!!" Nin shreiked, then looked embarrassed for interrupting her own play.
Anywayz, Hilde led Duo-onna to the dojo, and asked, "You do karate, don't you?"
"A little," Duo-onna replied.
"Then let's have a little match, okay?" Hilde suggested.
"Huh?"
"Just for fun," Hilde explained, getting into her battle stance. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you."
"If you say so," Duo-onna answered, not bothering to get into a martial arts stance.
Hilde waited for a moment, then rushed forward with a punch, shouting, "HAI!"
Duo-onna jumped over her fist.
Hilde continued with a high kick, but Duo-onna dodged that, too.
After another punch and kick, which Duo-onna dodged, Hilde asked, "What's wrong? Swing at me!" She continued with her attack.
Hilde paused for a breather. 'Why...why am I missing her? Is she reading my moves?'
Suddenly, Hilde became more determined than ever to land an attack. 'Okay. This time....FOR REAL!'
Launching a devestating punch, Hilde's fist went straight through the wall.
Duo-onna, who had flipped over the taller girl, poked the back of her head, then chuckled.
Hilde turned around, and started to laugh, too.
Clearing her throat, Hilde said, "You're pretty good. Well, I'm just glad you're a GIRL." She turned around, and started for the door.
"Huh?" Duo-onna said, turning to look at her.
"It's just..." Hilde replied, "I'd really hate to lose to a boy!"
("Uh oh" says Nin)
(LOOK! A pic of O-panda in the bath!!! Isn't he so ka......oh, my GAWD!!! o.o)
Master Saotome and Instructor Tendo sat across from each other, tears running down their faces. Suddenly, the small hoses attached to their eyes start to go bezerk, and they end up spraying themselves in the eyeballs. They scream in pain, and Mizyuki said, "MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!" Nin didn't notice.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen....
Noin walked into the kitchen, where Une was making a snack for her father and his guest.
"Une? Who's THAT old guy?" she asked.
"Got me," Une replied, then left the kitchen, finding Duo-onna on the porch, deep in thought.
"Duo! Come on, Duo!" she said, attempting to catch Duo's attention. "Wouldn't you like to take a bath?"
Duo-onna snapped out of her reverie. "Huh? NO! I mean...it's okay."
Une forced Duo-onna to her feet, and pulled her downthe hallway. "No it's not! You must be all sweaty from your workout!"
Duo-onna surrendered, entered the bathroom, and removed her clothes.
"GAHHH!!!" Nin screamed, hiding underneath her chair. "My virgin eyes!!!!" (She remains there for the rest of the scene.)
"It's kind of weird to look at a guy in a naked girl's body," Mizyuki agreed.
Everyone else in the audience is either losing their lunch, or politely turning away.
Not really noticing, Duo-onna filled a bucket full of cold water, and upended it over her head.
"Oooh! Cold!" she remarked, then got into the tub full of hot water.
"Aaaah. NOW what do I do?"
Meanwhile, Noin found Hilde, and said, "Hilde! Bath's ready!"
"Thanks," Hilde replied, and headed to the bath.
And, in the bath...
"Hmmm. Hmmm. What to do? What to do?"
And...
Hilde entered the changing room, and started to undress.
Nin whimpered.
And...
'Well, they'll find out anyway. Sooner or later.'
And...
Hilde finished undressing, and started to open the door....
And...
"May as well just go out like I am."
And...
Hilde and Duo stared at each other's naked bodies.
"THAT'S IT!!!" Mizyuki screamed, jumping on the set, grabbing a hose. "HOW DARE YOU STARE AT HIS BODY?!" She laughed manically as she chased Hilde off the set, spraying her with cold water.
"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!!" Hilde screamed, managing to grab a robe along the way.
Muzyuki, seeing that Hilde wasn't being a pervert any more, went back to her seat.
Hilde glared at Mizyuki, then put on the robe, so they could just get the scene over with.
Duo convulsed in total, complete lust. (Whatta perv! n_n)
"Is it safe to come out, now?" Nin asked.
Hilde screamed at the top of her lungs, getting the entire house's attention. She ran outside, and grabbed a boulder.
"I'll weigh him down! I'll drown him in the bathtub!" she screamed.
Noin followed her outside, followed by Noin.
"Hilde, what IS it?!" Noin exclaimed. "What's that for?!"
"There's a PERVERT in the BATHROOM!" Hilde shouted.
"Why don't you just kill him with your bare hands?" Noin suggested.
"Because I'm AFRAID!!" Hilde retorted.
"That's odd," Une said, looking toward the bath. "Duo was in the bath just now.
A figure exited the bath.
"Uh...who...who..." Une stuttered.
"WHO ARE YOU?" Noin demanded.
A male Duo stared at the floor, blushing horribly. "I'm, Duo Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."
Une, Noin, and Hilde just stare at the boy.
=======================================================================================
Nin crawled out from underneath her chair, dusting herself off. "Wow, you guys did really well. In what I actually saw, anyway. One would almost think that you were on good behaviour just so I would let my guard down. You guys aren't thinking of assassinating me, are you?"
Duo glared at everyone, and said, "If anyone kills her, I SWEAR..."
"Wow, Duo, I didn't know that you cared..." Nin smiled.
Duo looked disgusted. "If they kill you, how in the seven hells would I get my CURE?"
"That is true," Nin said, still smiling. "But I thought that it had something to do with the nude scene."
Duo's eyes went out of focus, and he drooled. (EX: V@V,@V------)
Hilde smiled. Mizyuki frowned.
"Nin?" Relena asked. "I'd like to know why I wasn't even mentioned in this part." Relena looked very sad.
Nin crumbled under the dreaded 'sad, puppy-eyes' attack. "I was...I was saving you for the end!"
"Really?" Relena asked, looking hopeful.
"Yeah! Um..." Nin dug through her pockets, then finally pulled out a piece of paper. "Since you, Relena, are one of the most hated, yet loved, characters in Gundam Wing, it's kind of appropriate for you to read this!" She handed Relena the piece of paper.
Relena smiled, then started to read. "It has come to my attention that some heartless people insult characters in their reviews (though, it hasn't happened for this story...yet). So, I have decided that anyone who dares to write obscene comments about the characters in this story will be delivered a fate worse than death itself!!! Total, complete, humiliation!!!" Relena paused. "Isn't that a bit harsh, Nin?"
"I don't think so. Check out the reviews to "Eek! Save Me!", then we'll talk."
Relena checks out the reviews. She gets a scary, zero-look to her. "THESE PEOPLE MUST DIE~!!! HEERO~!!! KILL THEM~!!!"
Heero just stares at Relena in absolute fear, like everyone else.
"Fine!" Relena said. "I'll just go do it myself!"
Nin grabs Relena's legs, trying to slow her down. As the screen fades, she shouts, "Stay tuned for Gundam 1/2, Part 2! Duo's Secret!"
Author's Notes:
1. Yeah...this one was kinda dry in the humor area. But writing this in prose is kinda hard...I'll do better in the next chapter, I promise!!! n_n
2. Does Mizyuki-chan like? n_n I gotta save some of your quirks for later, or else I'll run out of ideas!!!
3. Anyone else who wants to be in the next chapter has to email me, 'kay? ...Though, not too many of you. I don't want to end up totally confusing the readers with new characters!!! I think I'll only accept five people for now.
4. Hmmm...I think I'll wait a little while before writting the next chapter. I was kinda...sane...in this one. I'll wait until I'm on a sugar rush again, 'kay?
by
Nin Tendo
Chapter 1 ~ Here's Duo
~ Disclaimer ~ Go ahead and sue!!! I'll plead insanity!!! BWAHAHAHA!!! (I don't own Gundam Wing or Ranma 1/2)
Nin: Now, before we start, I'd like to answer a question that one of my honored reviewers asked:
"Why the heck is Dr. J playing Cologne???" ~Kaori
Nin: The weird thing is, I actually have a REASON!!! (collective gasp from the audience) Yes, a REASON!!! I am floored by the sheer reasonibility of my REASON!!!
Anonymous Reader: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!
Nin: FINE. ...Anyway, my REASON (!!!) goes as follows: One - Clear your head of any rational thoughts, as they are illegal in the land of insanity. Two - Take deep, calming breaths. And three - Imagine Dr. J perched on top of his cane like a vulture, hopping around pogo-stick style!!! snort guffaw
Anonymous Reader: ...
Nin: Feel free to ask any more questions!
Anonymous Reader: (thinking) Oh, please, God, no...
=======================================================================================
"Hi, I'm baaaaaack!!!" Nin shrieked.
"Heeeeeeere's Ninny!!!" Duo cracked, still pissed off at her for turning him into a woman. (He's male at the moment, BTW)
Everyone laughed (including Nin).
Nin collapsed to the floor in mirth. "That was a good one, Duo!" she said, wiping her watery eyes, still chuckling.
"Do you have ANY pride?" Duo grumbled (AHHH!!! The OOC aliens have struck again!!!).
"Um...nope." Nin smiled, then turned around to drag someone in behind her.
"I'd like everyone to meet your costume designer, Mizyuki-chan! Say hi, Misyuki-chan!"
The brown-haired, green-eyed Caucasian female looked around the room, and said, "MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!"
'Oh, dear, God, no,' the Gundam people thought. 'Not ANOTHER one!!!'
A moment later, Lady Une and the Mad Scientists gulped. That Mizyuki girl was glaring at them like they were the crud between her toes.
Suddenly, Mizyuki lept forth and...glomped Duo, squealing like an infatuated school-girl.
"Ahh...er...uh..." Duo stuttered, trying to remove her person from him before he ended up like Trieze, who was STILL unconscious.
Hilde knocked Duo out with a mallet, then glared at Mizyuki like she was an annoying Cool-Aid stain.
Mizyuki glared back, like Hilde was a bug that flew up her nose.
"Wow, you guys!!!" Nin interrupted. "Is there ANY way that you guys could be MORE in-character!!! You guys are amazing! Duo, you look SO Ranma-ish lying on the floor, half-dead. And HILDE!!! Words cannot describe!!!"
Mizyuki and Hilde snapped back to reality. Everyone was staring at them. They laughed nervously.
"Well, Mizyuki," Hilde spat, "you'd better get working on those costumes."
"I'll be sure to spend extra time on YOUR costume, Hilde," Mizyuki sneered.
"You guys are friends ALREADY! I'm so HAPPY!!" Nin exclaimed.
Everybody sweat-dropped.
"The costume room is over there, Mizyuki-chan!" Nin continued, pointing in the appropriate direction.
With a final glare in Hilde's direction, Mizyuki left for the costume room.
"Uh...didn't you say that anyone who flamed because of the OOC or character bashing would be included in the next chapter?" Quatre asked.
"Yeah, why do you want to know?" Nin replied.
"Well, I was wondering what Mizyuki-chan did to deserve this."
"Huh?" Nin looked confused. "She asked me to put her in the next chapter, so I did."
"She ASKED???" Quatre exclaimed, wondering why she had voluntarily agreed to the heinous torture.
"What's so bad about asking to be in the next chapter?" Nin asked.
"Well, you DID make it clear that you were going to bash everyone in the story..."
"True, true," Nin answered. "But you should just SEE what I have planned for the people who flame me for the OOC and bashing!"
Quatre shivered in fear. He WAS psychic, after all.
"Whoa!" Nin exclaimed. "How much space have I wasted already on this chapter?! It's time to get down to business!!! Have you guys memorized your lines?"
"What lines?" Noin asked.
"D'OH!!!!" Nin shouted.
(One month later....)
"So, did you guys memorize your lines, characters, situations, martial arts moves, and everything else that I might have forgotten at some point?"
"Yes, unfortunately," the Gundam people muttered.
Nin turned to Mizyuki. "And did you finish the costumes, Mizyuki-chan?"
"Hai!" Mizyuki exclaimed. It was found that Mizyuki was actually very Duo-like when she wasn't insanely jealous. Therefore, she became very well loved by the Gundam people. Excluding Hilde. And Lady Une and the scientists, who were extremely paranoid around her for some reason.
"All the costumes for this part are done!!" Mizyuki continued, then smiled at Duo. (He woke up recently)
Hilde glared at Mizyuki.
'Such good friends,' Nin thought to herself, smiling. "Okay, on with Part 1! I'd like to inform everyone that, since there are a lot of 'extras', everyone who doesn't appear for awhile will play the extras!!! Here's the cast for this part, in order of appearance, too!"
Nin held up a piece of paper, which said:
~~~
Quatre ~ the mailman
Instructor H ~ Soun Tendo
Lady Une ~ Kasumi Tendo
Noin ~ Nabiki Tendo
Hilde ~ Akane Tendo
Duo ~ Ranma Saotome
Master O ~ Genma Saotome
Professor G ~ EXTRA
Wufei ~ EXTRA
Trowa ~ EXTRA
Sally ~ EXTRA
~~~
"Notice that the extras listed are the only ones who will actually talk. Everyone without a current role will be part of the crowd. Now, everyone get in their costumes!!!"
"I have a question," Heero said.
"What is it?" Nin asked.
"I was wondering how you will be refering to everone. Instructor H, Lady Une, Noin, and Hilde aren't related, so which surname will you be using?"
"Good question," Nin murmered. "I GOT IT! I'll use the Ranma 1/2 surnames!!"
(And so, FINALLY, we get to start the play!!! ...Notice that it'll be slightly different than the manga)
=======================================================================================
(Welcome to the Tendo school of Anything-Goes martial arts!!! n_n)
Quatre, dressed up as a mailman, walks up to a traditional Japanese home and dojo, and shouts, "Mr. Tendo! Your mail!"
Instructor H Tendo steps outside, and accepts the mail. He's dressed in a dark gi. He walks back inside, and sits down in the tea room. He looks through his mail, and comes across a postcard with a picture of a panda on one side. It has the following written on it:
~~~
Hi.
Bringing Duo from China.
Saotome.
~~~
"D-Duo? Coming here?" Instructor Tendo said, tears flowing down his face, shaking slightly. "Oh, how I've W-W-WAITED for this day!"
Instructor Tendo lept to his feet, shouting, "Hey! Une! Noin! Hilde!"
He peeked in the kitchen, where Une Tendo is slicing watermelon, her hair in a ponytail, wearing an apron over her modest dress. "UNE!!" he shouted.
"Yes, Daddy?" Une replied, turning around, holding a really big knife in one hand. (Get it away from her!!!! AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!)
A moment later, Instructor Tendo barges into Noin Tendo's room, where she is lying down on her bad, reading manga, and eating a popsicle. "NOIN!!" he shouted.
"Mm?" Noin replied, looking up. She's wearing a tanktop and jean shorts.
Scant seconds after, Instructor Tendo rushed into Hilde Tendo's room, shouting, "HILDE!!"
However, no one is there.
"Where IS that girl?"
Hilde Tendo jogged down the street, wearing a tanktop, shorts, sneakers, and a towel drapped over her shoulders. Her long hair (she's wearing a wig, BTW) is tied into a loose ponytail.
"Hi, I'm hoooome!" she shouted, as she ran inside the gate. She proceeded to the dojo, where she changed into a gi, and placed some cement bricks in front on her.
"HYAAHH!" Hilde shouted, punching the bricks. Time stopped. "OOOOOOWWWWW!!!!" Hilde screamed, totally unexpectedly. "THAT'S REAL CEMENT!!! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PROP!!!"
Mizyuki smiled evily, and laughed her evil laugh. Of course, no one noticed, because evil laughs were getting pretty routine at the moment.
"CUT!" Nin shouted. "Someone get the REAL prop! We have to finish this scene!" She sighed. "And it was going so WELL, too!"
Hilde glared at Mizyuki. It was totally obvious that it was HER fault. But did Nin notice? Nooooo. Nin was totally OBLIVIOUS.
Zechs replaced the bricks with fake ones, and the scene starts again...
"HYAAHH!" Hilde shouted, punching the bricks, with her LEFT hand, this time. They crumbled into dust. "Ahhh!" she sighed, wiping her forehead. "That was nice."
"There you go again, Hilde. No wonder the boys all think you're so weird."
Hilde turned to see Noin behind her, who has put on some sandals.
Hilde semi-glares at her. "So why should I care? Not EVERYBODY thinks the world revolves around BOYS, Noin."
Noin tuns around and heads back to the house. "No? Then I guess this wouldn't interest YOU."
Hilde looks interested, then follows her into the tea room, where her father and Une are waiting.
It starts to rain outside. Not a good omen... (Get used to it, people...n_n)
"Fiance?" Une asked.
"Yes," Instructor H replied. "The son of a very good friend of mine. The son's name is Duo Saotome. If one of you three girls were to marry him, and carry on this training center, then the Tendo family legacy would be secure."
"Wait a minute!" Hilde exclaimed, standing up. "Don't WE have some say in who we marry?"
Noin took a sip of lemonade.
"Hilde's right, Daddy," Une said, looking concerned. "We've never even MET Duo."
Instructor H chuckled. "That's easily fixed."
(Scene switcheroo!!! Welcome to downtown Nerima!!! n_n)
It's starting to rain here, too. Several passer-by notice some strange sounds behind them, and they turn around. They're rather surprised to see a giant panda chasing a red-haired girl down the street.
Duo-onna is wearing a red, Chinese shirt with golden clasps, and black pants. A pair of bracers are around her wrists. She is carrying her shoes and backpack in one hand.
O-panda is wearing nothing. (hehehe...n_n)
O-panda takes a swipe at Duo-onna, but she dodges by jumping in the air, letting go of her shoes and backpack to gain speed. She kicks O-panda in the cheek, shouting, "YO! CUT THAT OUT!!"
O-panda slides across the slippery street, as people jump out of the way.
"Say--" Professor G said, "is that a PANDA?"
"That IS a panda, isn't it?" Wufei replied.
O-panda spits out a tooth, then gets into a ready stance.
"Your move," Duo-onna said.
O-panda lept forward with a barrage of punches.
Dodging, Duo-onna shouted, "Well, I STILL say this whole thing SUCKS! Picking my fiancee for me without even ASKING!!" She grabbed O-panda by the arm, and threw him into a street sign.
Duo-onna looked him over, making sure that he was immobile. She flicked her braid over her shoulder, and said, "I'm going back to CHINA! Suck on THAT, old man!"
She turned, and walked off in the direction that they had come. O-panda crept up behind her, and bashed her over the head with the dislodged street sign. He slung her over his shoulder.
"Panda. Big one," Trowa whispered.
"Man. Hmm," Sally whispered back.
O-panda growled at them, and the extras ran away in fear.
(Scene switcheroo!!! Welcome back to the Tendo home and dojo!)
"Duo and his father have been on a voyage of training. Recently, it seems, they crossed into China," Instructor Tendo continued.
"Wow! CHINA!" Noin exclaimed.
"What's so great about walking to China?" Hilde mumbled, glaring at the wall.
"Is he cute?" Noin asked.
"How old is he?" Une questioned. "Younger men bore me."
"What kind of guy IS this Duo?" they aske in sync.
Instructor Tendo chuckled at their curiousity, then suddenly became dead-serious, and replied, "No idea."
"'No idea'?" Noin repeated, looking a little dangerous.
"I've never met him," answered Instructor Tendo.
Luckily, any bodily harm was avoided, because strange sounds were heard from the gate. Someone was shouting something like, "LEGGO, Y'OL' FOOL!" It also sounded like a fight was going on.
"Hm?" Noin wondered.
Une stood up. "We have visitors!"
Noin and Instructor Tendo dashed toward the door.
"OOOO! It must be DUO!" Noin shrieked. (This scares me for some unexplained reason...o.o)
"Saotome, my friend! We've been waiting!" Instructor Tendo shouted.
'Oh, I HOPE he's older!' Une wished. (GAAHH!!! o.o)
'How depressing. BOYS!' Hilde screamed inside her mind.
Noin and Instructor Tendo ran back inside, a panda on their heels.
Duo-onna looked up from where she was still slung over the panda's shoulder. "Hey! YO! You're scaring 'em SPITLESS!" she shouted ay O-panda.
"Daddy...THIS...is your FRIEND?" Une asked.
Instructor Tendo frantically shook his head.
"Oh. So this PANDA just decided to VISIT! Happens all the TIME!" Noin shouted
Instructor Tendo shook his head again.
O-panda finally decided to release his...er...son. Instructor Tendo stared at 'him'.
"You...wouldn't be..." he asked.
Duo-onna looked away and nervously played with her braid. "Duo Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."
Instructor Tendo grabbed her by the shoulders, and shouted, "At LAST! You've COME!"
Noin looked at Duo-onna. "Oooo! He's CUTE!" (BWAAAAAH!!! O.O)
Hilde just GLARED.
Instructor Tendo pulled Duo-onna into a MANLY hug. (bwahaha...) He noticed something 'strange', so he pulled back, and looked at Duo-onna more closely. Noticing what was wrong, he tried to speak, but his mouth failed him.
"Hmm?" Noticing her father's expression, Noin looked at her 'fiance' a little closer. And closer still. Finally, she leaned over, and poked Duo-onna's chest. Then she poked it again, just to be sure. (You know, this is getting kind of disgusting....barf...)
"Um...could you stop that?" Duo-onna asked, looking very embarrassed.
Noin glared at her fainted father. "HE is a GIRL."
A few minutes later, when Instructor Tendo regained consciousness...and immediately started bawling.
"Oh, poor Daddy. He's SO disappointed," Une murmered, wetting a cloth to place on her father's forehead to calm him down.
"HE'S disappointed! Some fiance THIS is!" Noin shouted, indicating the girl sitting beside her, who was doing her best to not listen to the conversation.
Hilde semi-glared at her sisters, and said, "Stop it, you two! He...SHE...is our GUEST!"
Totally ignoring her younger sibling, Noin continued to yell at her father. "This is all your fault, Daddy! You should have made SURE!"
Instructor Tendo stopped bawling long enough to shout, "Well, he said he had a SON!!"
Noin started to..ah...grope Duo-onna again (bleeeeech!). "Do YOU see a son here? HMM? DO you?" Noin said, sarcastically.
Duo-onna blushed, and tried to ignore what Noin was doing. "Um..." she whispered. "I really wish you'd stop that."
Hilde noticed Duo-onna's discomfort, so, when Noin removed her offending hand, she stood up, and said, "Hy. Join me in the practice hall? I'm Hilde. You want to be friends?"
Duo-onna looked up at Hilde, a small smile on her face.
"KAWAII!!!!" Nin shreiked, then looked embarrassed for interrupting her own play.
Anywayz, Hilde led Duo-onna to the dojo, and asked, "You do karate, don't you?"
"A little," Duo-onna replied.
"Then let's have a little match, okay?" Hilde suggested.
"Huh?"
"Just for fun," Hilde explained, getting into her battle stance. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you."
"If you say so," Duo-onna answered, not bothering to get into a martial arts stance.
Hilde waited for a moment, then rushed forward with a punch, shouting, "HAI!"
Duo-onna jumped over her fist.
Hilde continued with a high kick, but Duo-onna dodged that, too.
After another punch and kick, which Duo-onna dodged, Hilde asked, "What's wrong? Swing at me!" She continued with her attack.
Hilde paused for a breather. 'Why...why am I missing her? Is she reading my moves?'
Suddenly, Hilde became more determined than ever to land an attack. 'Okay. This time....FOR REAL!'
Launching a devestating punch, Hilde's fist went straight through the wall.
Duo-onna, who had flipped over the taller girl, poked the back of her head, then chuckled.
Hilde turned around, and started to laugh, too.
Clearing her throat, Hilde said, "You're pretty good. Well, I'm just glad you're a GIRL." She turned around, and started for the door.
"Huh?" Duo-onna said, turning to look at her.
"It's just..." Hilde replied, "I'd really hate to lose to a boy!"
("Uh oh" says Nin)
(LOOK! A pic of O-panda in the bath!!! Isn't he so ka......oh, my GAWD!!! o.o)
Master Saotome and Instructor Tendo sat across from each other, tears running down their faces. Suddenly, the small hoses attached to their eyes start to go bezerk, and they end up spraying themselves in the eyeballs. They scream in pain, and Mizyuki said, "MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!" Nin didn't notice.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen....
Noin walked into the kitchen, where Une was making a snack for her father and his guest.
"Une? Who's THAT old guy?" she asked.
"Got me," Une replied, then left the kitchen, finding Duo-onna on the porch, deep in thought.
"Duo! Come on, Duo!" she said, attempting to catch Duo's attention. "Wouldn't you like to take a bath?"
Duo-onna snapped out of her reverie. "Huh? NO! I mean...it's okay."
Une forced Duo-onna to her feet, and pulled her downthe hallway. "No it's not! You must be all sweaty from your workout!"
Duo-onna surrendered, entered the bathroom, and removed her clothes.
"GAHHH!!!" Nin screamed, hiding underneath her chair. "My virgin eyes!!!!" (She remains there for the rest of the scene.)
"It's kind of weird to look at a guy in a naked girl's body," Mizyuki agreed.
Everyone else in the audience is either losing their lunch, or politely turning away.
Not really noticing, Duo-onna filled a bucket full of cold water, and upended it over her head.
"Oooh! Cold!" she remarked, then got into the tub full of hot water.
"Aaaah. NOW what do I do?"
Meanwhile, Noin found Hilde, and said, "Hilde! Bath's ready!"
"Thanks," Hilde replied, and headed to the bath.
And, in the bath...
"Hmmm. Hmmm. What to do? What to do?"
And...
Hilde entered the changing room, and started to undress.
Nin whimpered.
And...
'Well, they'll find out anyway. Sooner or later.'
And...
Hilde finished undressing, and started to open the door....
And...
"May as well just go out like I am."
And...
Hilde and Duo stared at each other's naked bodies.
"THAT'S IT!!!" Mizyuki screamed, jumping on the set, grabbing a hose. "HOW DARE YOU STARE AT HIS BODY?!" She laughed manically as she chased Hilde off the set, spraying her with cold water.
"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!!" Hilde screamed, managing to grab a robe along the way.
Muzyuki, seeing that Hilde wasn't being a pervert any more, went back to her seat.
Hilde glared at Mizyuki, then put on the robe, so they could just get the scene over with.
Duo convulsed in total, complete lust. (Whatta perv! n_n)
"Is it safe to come out, now?" Nin asked.
Hilde screamed at the top of her lungs, getting the entire house's attention. She ran outside, and grabbed a boulder.
"I'll weigh him down! I'll drown him in the bathtub!" she screamed.
Noin followed her outside, followed by Noin.
"Hilde, what IS it?!" Noin exclaimed. "What's that for?!"
"There's a PERVERT in the BATHROOM!" Hilde shouted.
"Why don't you just kill him with your bare hands?" Noin suggested.
"Because I'm AFRAID!!" Hilde retorted.
"That's odd," Une said, looking toward the bath. "Duo was in the bath just now.
A figure exited the bath.
"Uh...who...who..." Une stuttered.
"WHO ARE YOU?" Noin demanded.
A male Duo stared at the floor, blushing horribly. "I'm, Duo Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."
Une, Noin, and Hilde just stare at the boy.
=======================================================================================
Nin crawled out from underneath her chair, dusting herself off. "Wow, you guys did really well. In what I actually saw, anyway. One would almost think that you were on good behaviour just so I would let my guard down. You guys aren't thinking of assassinating me, are you?"
Duo glared at everyone, and said, "If anyone kills her, I SWEAR..."
"Wow, Duo, I didn't know that you cared..." Nin smiled.
Duo looked disgusted. "If they kill you, how in the seven hells would I get my CURE?"
"That is true," Nin said, still smiling. "But I thought that it had something to do with the nude scene."
Duo's eyes went out of focus, and he drooled. (EX: V@V,@V------)
Hilde smiled. Mizyuki frowned.
"Nin?" Relena asked. "I'd like to know why I wasn't even mentioned in this part." Relena looked very sad.
Nin crumbled under the dreaded 'sad, puppy-eyes' attack. "I was...I was saving you for the end!"
"Really?" Relena asked, looking hopeful.
"Yeah! Um..." Nin dug through her pockets, then finally pulled out a piece of paper. "Since you, Relena, are one of the most hated, yet loved, characters in Gundam Wing, it's kind of appropriate for you to read this!" She handed Relena the piece of paper.
Relena smiled, then started to read. "It has come to my attention that some heartless people insult characters in their reviews (though, it hasn't happened for this story...yet). So, I have decided that anyone who dares to write obscene comments about the characters in this story will be delivered a fate worse than death itself!!! Total, complete, humiliation!!!" Relena paused. "Isn't that a bit harsh, Nin?"
"I don't think so. Check out the reviews to "Eek! Save Me!", then we'll talk."
Relena checks out the reviews. She gets a scary, zero-look to her. "THESE PEOPLE MUST DIE~!!! HEERO~!!! KILL THEM~!!!"
Heero just stares at Relena in absolute fear, like everyone else.
"Fine!" Relena said. "I'll just go do it myself!"
Nin grabs Relena's legs, trying to slow her down. As the screen fades, she shouts, "Stay tuned for Gundam 1/2, Part 2! Duo's Secret!"
Author's Notes:
1. Yeah...this one was kinda dry in the humor area. But writing this in prose is kinda hard...I'll do better in the next chapter, I promise!!! n_n
2. Does Mizyuki-chan like? n_n I gotta save some of your quirks for later, or else I'll run out of ideas!!!
3. Anyone else who wants to be in the next chapter has to email me, 'kay? ...Though, not too many of you. I don't want to end up totally confusing the readers with new characters!!! I think I'll only accept five people for now.
4. Hmmm...I think I'll wait a little while before writting the next chapter. I was kinda...sane...in this one. I'll wait until I'm on a sugar rush again, 'kay?