Gundam 1/2
by
Nin Tendo
Chapter 2 ~ Duo's Secret
~ Disclaimer ~ You know, I tried every trick in the book, but I STILL don't own either anime. HEY! I KNOW! Everyone review, and say that Nin Tendo should be in charge of a sequel to Gundam Wing and Ranma 1/2!!! I'll share the profits!!!
NOTE: If a person seems OOC, it's because they're 'getting into character'. There are exceptions, though...like Zechs and Quatre and blah blah blah...
Nin: Hello, and welcome to the next chapter of this quirky mess that I call my story! Have fun! I know I will!
Anonymous Reader: Didn't you have something IMPORTANT to say here?
Nin: Oh, yes! Thank you, Anonymous Reader! Evil, character bashing in reviews will not be tolerated! Ex: Relena sucks! Also, a few of you wanted to willingly sign over your souls--er, I mean, be part of my story. I'll be able to fit you all in, but not in THIS chapter! This chapter was planned out already! And Pip-Chan has to email me! VERY IMPORTANT! THIS chapter is all about Mizyuki-chan-torture. Though, the word 'torture' is a little too strong...more like...um...sigh. I'll just stick with 'torture'.
Anonymous Reader: Don't you ever shut up?!
Nin: Actually, during school, I might as well be mute. When I come home, I go on a continuous sugar high to make up for my silence.
Anonymous Reader: I'm glad that I don't live with you, then.
Nin: Mm hm. You should see me after work. I'm downright SCARY!
Anonymous Reader: (looks frightened)
Nin: Aw, hell. This was an extremely pointless scene. Sigh.
Anonymous Reader: Then why did you even bother writing it in the first place?
Nin: Why, to annoy you, of course, Anonymous Reader!
Anonymous Reader: grumble grumble...
Nin: SUCCESS! n.n
=============================================================================
Nin skipped in to her imaginary theatre, where her ficticious 'friends' resided. (Translation: Nin spaced out in Social Studies, and prepared to terrorize the G-people [and Mizyuki] whom she had locked inside her vivid imagination.)
"Is everyone prepared?!" she shouted, seeing that nobody had noticed her arrival.
Everyone ignored her.
"Alrighty then!" Nin shouted again, then noticed that someone was missing.
"Hey, where's Heero?"
Hearing Heero's name, Relena looked up from where she was having an animated discussion with Quatre and Catherine. "Oh, he's busy getting into character."
Dorothy overheard the small conversation and laughed. "He go to bathroom, and Dorothy no see him since!" (Chinese accent...don't ask...n_n)
Zechs laughed heartily at his rival's plight. Pretty much everyone else joined in. Even the STILL unconscious Trieze snickered in his sleep.
Relena fumed.
Duo, who was the only one (besides Relena) who didn't find humor in Heero's situation, stalked over to Nin, and shouted, "Where the hell have you been?!"
Nin stopped snickering and asked, "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"I've been here for WEEKS, floating around in limbo, waiting for YOU to get your ass in gear, and start writing this story again!!!"
"Ohhhh!" Nin said, enlightened. "Well, I was busy! I wrote a poem for a poem contest (and didn't win...sigh..-_-), I scared my sister's bully shitless, I got inspired to write a couple more stories, I've updated my site, I've updated my archive, I got addicted to Pokemon Pinball, I've been posting messages in some Internet clubs, I'm taking part in a Ranma 1/2 RPG, I've been reading fics, I surfed the net a little, I watched a while lot of movies (including Gundam 0079!!!), I've been working on my cross-stitching projects, I helped mom finish her rug-hooking project, I've gone to school, I've been working, I've written more Ranma fics, I've written more GW fics, and I've been catching up on my sleep, among other things!"
Duo blinked.
"Note to self:" Nin continued, speaking to herself this time, "go to bed earlier, or you'll NEVER break five feet!"
Duo sweatdropped, and backed away from the midget.
Nin snapped back into her imagined reality. "Well, let's get to work, people! We need to finish this chapter before a rabid Mizyuki-chan starts harassing me!"
"HEY!" Mizyuki shouted in indignation.
"I'm sorry, Mizyuki-chan, but like I promised, everyone in this fic must be bashed at some point," Nin replied.
"Oh,,,well, in that case, YOU SUCK RELENA!!! DRY UP AND DIE!!!"
Mizyuki's shout echoed throughout the threatre, and silence decended upon them. Everyone besides Nin turned, and looked at Mizyuki in terror.
Mizyuki wondered why everyone was staring at her. She looked at Nin, and all her questions were answered.
Nin's eyes had turned blood-red, and her long brown hair flowed through the air like Medusa's snakes. In a demon-like voice, she hissed, "Only Nin Tendo may bash the characters in this story, for she is the almighty goddess of Gundam 1/2. All others must be punished immediately and thoroughly."
Mizyuki's eyes widened in horror.
Then a bright flash of light consumed her.
When she reappeared, Mizyuki was dressed in a poor imitation of Relena's school uniform, and written on the front were the words: All Hail Mistress Relena! We Are Not Worthy!
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" Mizyuki screamed.
Nin collapsed on the floor, returning to normal. Standing up again, her footing a little unsure, she looked at Mizyuki and raised an eyebrow.
"Since when are you a Relena-worshipper? ...Actually, it looks more like you're Relena-OBSESSED. Not even a Relena-worshipper would wear THAT."
"You...YOU!!! YOU did this to me, you sadist!!!"
Nin paused. "Wait a sec. Did you just insult someone? My memory is a bit hazy..."
Mizyuki took a deep breath. "I insulted Relena because YOU'LL probably never get around to it, 'cause YOU are a Relena-worsipper! I was doing you a FAVOR, and THIS is how you repay me?!"
"Whoa! Whoa! Let me explain! I installed this split personality into myself to make sure that no one in this fic is bashed too badly! The same thing will happen to anyone that openly insults YOU! It's in everyones best interests! ...Besides, I've been slacking off as a Relena-worshipper lately! I don't give a damn anymore!"
"Whatever. How long do I have to wear this...this...THING?"
"Just until this chapter's done. Oh, and did I neglect to mention that you're Relena's loyal servant throughout the duration of this chapter?"
"WHAT?!"
"Oh, I suppose I did! If Relena asks you to do something, you do it!"
Mizyuki snickered. "Well, we'll see about THAT!"
Relena decided to try it out. "Mizyuki-chan, I want you to go change into your regular clothes."
Mizyuki threw herself at Relena's feet and shouted, "Yes, Mistress! You are my goddess! I shall fulfill your wish to the best of my abilities!" She got up and sped toward the changing room.
"Aww! Relena!" Hilde whined. "Why did you have to do that for? It was just getting GOOD!" Lady Une and the scientists agreed. Mizyuki had played mean tricks on them while Nin was away.
"I'm sorry, guys, but, as a princess of a pasifist country, I am against any form of human suffering...and that includes bad fashion statements."
Everyone stared at Relena a little strangely.
"And, no," Relena continued, "I didn't just insult myself. There's a major time lapse between 2001 and AC196. Fashion's bound to change."
Everyone clapped, because Relena makes the most splendiferous speeches in the world! I mean, people applaud when she invites people to her birthday! What can I say? She's a natural.
(A/N: Oh! Look! I guess I'm a Relena-worshipper again! lol)
Nin moved to take a seat in her director's chair, but the evilest of all evils prevented her from her goal!
"OW!!! GOSH DERNIT!!! I HATE IT WHEN ROCKS GET IN MY SHOES!!!" Nin shouted in fustration.
The GW people stared at the wannabe Author in curiousity as she limped the rest of the way to her chair, then pulled off her shoe and shook it.
Heero fell out. He landed on his nose from the THIRD time in Nin's fanfiction, yet the bone STILL remained intact!
Everyone laughed, because Heero is the most splendiferous comedian in the world! I mean, even Trowa laughed when he made that stupid joke. What can I say? He's a natur--
Heero deathglared Nin, so she decided to quit while she was ahead.
Slowly, Heero stood up on unsteady feet, shivering uncontrollably. He had goosebumps all over his arms and legs, and his hair was frozen solid.
"HEERO!!!" Relena shouted in concern. She grabbed a winter coat out of her Kodachi-hammerspace-connection, ran over to Heero, put it on him, and started to rub his arms, hoping that the friction would help warm him up.
Poor Noin had to restrain Zechs, so she couldn't offer Heero any photos of extremely warm places...for a price, of course.
"Growl!" said Zechs.
Suddenly, Mizyuki ran back inside, relieved that her 'Mistress' had a forgiving nature. That dress was simply diabolical.
"MIZYUKI-CHAN!!! START A HOT BATH FOR HEERO!!!"
"Yes, Mistress! You are my goddess! I shall fulfill your wish to the bast of my abilities!"
"And shorten your response! It's annoying me!"
"Yes, Mistress!" Mizyuki ran off to fill the bath.
Relena ran after her with a shivering Heero in tow.
"GROWL!" said Zechs, jumping to conclusions.
"Where did Heero GO? ...The North Pole?" Catherine asked.
"Antarctica...again?" Quatre suggested.
"Canada?" Sally wondered.
Nin laughed. "Canada's not THAT bad! ...But, then again, Heero WAS wearing his spandex and tanktop..."
Wufei snorted. "You're ALL wrong! I saw Heero walk into the refridgerator. He probably mistook it for the bathroom. I tried to stop him, but he was already gone."
Everyone laughed, because Heero is the most splendiferous comedian in the world! (A/N: OK, OK, so that's getting a little old...n_n)
Suddenly, Trieze regained consciousness!
"TRIEZE-SAMA!!!"
And then he was unconscious again!
"How many times has that happened?" Nin wondered.
"I lost count," Trowa replied. "But we were able to feed him now and then, so he didn't starve to death."
"Well, his big introduction is in the next chapter, so we better figure out how to stop Lady Une from glomping him to death," Nin stated.
"We'll think of something," Noin offered, "but for now, I suggest we get out butts in gear. I have a date with Zechs this evening."
"Groooooowl..." said Zechs.
"I do NOT want to know!" Duo proclaimed.
=============================================================================
Cast of Characters (because you all probably forgot by now...lol):
Instructor H - Soun Tendo
Master O - Genma Saotome
Duo - Ranma Saotome
Hilde - Akane Tendo
Noin - Nabiki Tendo
Une - Kasumi Tendo
Doktor S - the Jusenkyo Guide
Remember that the GW people use the R1/2 people's last names!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!! (ex: Duo Saotome, Hilde Tendo)
=============================================================================
"I'll explain it once more," Instructor Tendo announced. "This is my dear old friend..." He outstretched his hand to Master Saotome.
"...Master Saotome," he said, introducing himself. "And this is my SON..."
"...Duo," concluded the braided boy.
Hilde glared at Duo with an intense anger. Duo stared back, sweat-dropping.
"What's this all about?" asked Noin, confused.
"Are you really HER?" Une asked. "That same GIRL?"
"Hmmmm," brooded Master Saotome. "Where should I begin? I know...HYAH!!" he shouted, throwing Duo in the Tendo's fishpond.
"HEY!!" SPLOOSH "What the hell are you DOING?!" Duo-onna shouted, resurfacing as a girl.
Hilde stopped glaring, surprised.
"Mm?" Noin murmered, shocked.
"Now he's a GIRL!" Une exclaimed.
Master Saotome started bawling. "Ohhh. My own son. So humiliating. So humiliating."
Duo-onna kicked her father into the fishpond. Master Saotome resurfaced as a PO'd O-panda.
"Who are YOU to talk?!" Duo-onna shouted.
"Daddy? Why are you friends with them?" Une asked her father.
"They weren't like this before!" Instructor Tendo said in defense. "Not before they went to China...and undertook that terrifying training exercise!"
(A pic of O-panda and Duo-onna soaking in the tub entertains the readers as Duo changes both clothes and gender for the flashback scene)
//Flashback--Mt. Quanjing, Bayankala Range, Qinghai Province, China//
"Here, sir," Jusenkyo Guide S presented, "is legendary 'Training Ground of Accursed Springs'!"
A slightly younger looking Master and Duo sttod beside the guide, staring out at all the hundreds of springs with bamboo poles sticking out of them.
Duo's hair wasn't braided...it was in a ponytail.
From off the set, Quatre, in a fit of OOCness, issued a few catcalls, because Duo looked as female as his female half.
"SHUDDUP!!!" Duo shouted, and started chasing poor Quatre, weilding a bamboo pole.
(A/N: The resulting scene is censored, for this fic is only rated PG-13. Let's move on, shall we?)
"Are you prepared, Duo?" Master asked.
A severly bruised and beaten Duo muttered, "This place isn't so impressive."
(A/N: I'm sure that you all can manage to come up with a creative reason why Duo got his arse kicked)
"This place very dangerous. Nobody use now," Jusenkyo Guide S said. "Is more than one hundred spring here...and every one have own tragic legend!"
"Duo, follow me!" Master shouted, as he and Duo completely ignored the guide, and jumped onto the top of the bamboo poles.
"Ah! Sir! What you doing?" Jusenkyo Guide S shouted, trying to get their attention...but, alas, he did not.
"I won't go easy on you," Master told Duo.
"That's how I want it," Duo replied.
"Please, sir! Very bad if you fall in spring!" the guide shouted...only to be ignored again.
"OYSHOHTOH!" Master shouted, attacking his son.
Duo wordlessly flipped over his father, and kicked him into a spring.
"Gotcha," he said, smirking. Then, when Master didn't come up again, he asked, "Pop? What's up? We done already? YOW!"
To Duo's surprise, a panda dressed in his father;s clothes jumped out of the spring, and landed on top of another pole.
"Wha--? Wha--? Wha--?" Duo said, pointing at the panda.
"That is 'Spring of Drowned Panda'! There is tragic legend, very tragic, of panda...who drown there two thousand year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring...take body of panda!" Jusenkyo Guide S shouted in a single breath.
"Oh, no," Duo said, finally NOT ignored the guide. O-panda started swiping at him, but Duo dodged, and shouted, "Wait a second! You never said anything about--"
O-panda cut him off by tossing him into a spring.
"Ohhhh!" Jusenkyo Guide S moaned. "Not 'Spring of Drowned Girl'! There is tragic legend, VERY tragic, of young girl who drown in spring...one thousand five hundred year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring...take body of young girl!"
Duo-onna resurfaced, looked down her shirt, and said, "UHHHH?"
"You see what I mean?"
//End Flashback//
The Tendos and Saotomes sat in silence until a passing wind disturbed a lone wind chime.
"The Legendary Ground of Accursed Springs," Instructor Tendo murmered. "Its true horror has always been shrouded in mystery. But now..."
Duo glared at the floor. "Feh! Whaddya mean, 'true horror'?" He grabbed his father by the collar of his gi. "Yo, old man--What's the idea draggin' me to a place like that, anyway?"
"HEEYAH!" Master shouted, throwing Duo in the fishpond again.
SPLASH "YOW!" Duo-onna shouted, turning female again.
"You sound like a WOMAN!" Master shouted. "Were you not prepared to give your life for the sake of your training?"
"My life, yes," Duo-onna replied, proceeding to splash her father with a conveniently placed bucket of cold water. "MY MANHOOD IS ANOTHER STORY!"
Duo-onna and O-panda got into a scrag-fight. (A/N: Whaaaaat? It sure looks that way in the manga! lol)
"Oh, what a tragedy!" Instructor Tendo shouted, bursting into tears.
"Stop that!" Une shouted, causing Duo-onna and O-panda to cease fighting. "You just went TOO FAR, Mr. Saotome!"
"Yeah!" Noin agreed. "Even for martial arts training!"
"What EVER made you do something so dangerous?" Une continued.
O-panda dropped a book on the floor, and Noin picked it up. Une looked over her shoulder.
"It's Chinese. A map...and guide book?" Une guessed.
"Something about...'training grounds'." Noin replied.
"No wonder..." Une murmered, then turned to O-panda. "You can't read Chinese, can you?!"
O-panda held up a sign that said 'correct!'.
Duo-onna punched her father.
Instructor Tendo wordlessly poured some boiling hot water on O-panda. "So," he said, "when doused with hot water, you return to human form."
Master Saotome received minor burns. "Well, it needn't be quite THAT hot."
Instructor Tendo turned to Duo. "When doused with cold water, you become a girl...but HOT water turns you back into a BOY!"
He tried to splash Duo-onna, but she got out of the way. "HOT water! Not BOILING!"
"No sweat," Instructor Tendo replied, patting Duo-onna on the back. "Your problem isn't so terrible after all!"
"Huh?" Duo-onna wondered.
Instructor Tendo introduced his daughters. "My daughter, Une. Nineteen. And Noin. Seventeen. And Hilde. Sixteen. Pick the one you want. She's your fiancee."
"Oh, he wants Hilde!" Une exclaimed.
"Eh?" Hilde murmered, confused.
"Oh, definitely!" noin agreed, pushing Hilde forward.
"You must be joking!" Hilde shouted. "Why would I be--"
"Well...you hate BOYS, don't you?" Noin rationalized.
"So you're in luck! He's half girl!" Une said, smiling.
"Me? Marry that PERVERT?! NEVER!" Hilde shouted.
Duo-onna growled. Hilde had struck a nerve. "Say--whaddya mean, 'PERVERT'?!"
"You looked at my BODY, pervert!"
"HOLD IT! YOU walked in on ME!"
"It's DIFFERENT when a GIRL sees a BOY!"
The two old fogies started laughing. "They're already a perfect couple!" Instructor Tendo proclaimed.
"He's a couple by HIMSELF!" Hilde shouted at her father. She turned back to Duo-onna. "And if you ever--"
"GOODBYE!" Duo-onna interrupted, heading for the door.
"Where are you going, boy?" Master Saotome warned.
"Back to China!" Duo-onna replied. "To find a way to change back for good! This is no time for 'fiancees'." She turned back to Hilde. "By the way...YOU took a pretty good look at ME, too." She opened the top of her shirt, showing a bit of cleavage. "Besides, it's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I mean, I've seen MYSELF plently of times, right? And I'm BUILT better to boot!"
Duo-onna laughed and laughed...until Hilde brained him with the kitchen table.
"Now THAT he had coming!" said Master Saotome.
=============================================================================
Duo-onna regained consciousness in the guestroom.
"Mm?" she murmered, opening her eyes.
"Ah! She's awake!" Une said from where she was sitting beside Noin.
Duo-onna tried to get up too fast, then moaned, holding her head in her hands.
"Are you okay?" Une asked. "Don't think too badly of Hilde. She's really a very sweet girl. She's just a violent maniac."
"Oh, good, Une. That makes LOTS of sense," Noin said, sarcastically.
=============================================================================
Hilde entered the bathroom, only to see Mizyuki guarding the door to the tub.
"What are YOU doing here?!" Hilde shouted.
"Guarding the door for Mistress Relena!" Mizyuki answered, unable to insult her arch-enemy, because Relena had told her not to.
"Why would she..." The light dawned. "Oh. Well, I better not, uh, interrupt them..."
Noin, smelling potential blackmail, burst in, pushed Mizyuki aside, held her camera in the ready-position, and opened the door.
Everyone saw Relena and Heero making out for a split second before they disappeared in a flash of light.
"ROAR!" said Zechs.
"Dammit! Too late!" Noin cursed.
"Get back to work, everyone!!!" Nin shouted, now that the HY/RP sap was over.
Mizyuki and Noin ran offstage, and Hilde went inside and got undressed.
Filling a backet of water, and upending it over her head, Hilde thought, 'Make a fool of ME, eh? Why that...that...that...'
I'm BUILT better to boot!
'That...that...BOY!'
=============================================================================
Duo-onna walked down the stairs, thinking, 'Yeeeouch! It still smarts. What kind of GIRL is she, anyway?'
You want to be friends?
Duo-onna stepped into the bathroom, and undressed. 'So much for "friends" when she found out I'm a BOY!'
Duo-onna opened the door just as a naked Hilde started to leave.
"Uh...uh...uh oh!"
"Why you...you...you..."
POW!
=============================================================================
A now masculine Duo sat outside with his father.
"So she's got SPUNK. That just makes a fiancee CUTER," Master Saotome said.
Duo had a huge bruise on his face. "CUTE is not the word."
Noin and Hilde were sitting at the table.
"But you were both GIRLS, right? That makes it okay!" Noin said.
"OKAY is not the word," Hilde replied.
=============================================================================
"YEA! YEA! It's done! It's done! Now people will stop harrassing me!" Nin shrieked.
"I did NOT harrass you!" Mizyuki shouted.
"I never said that you did..." Nin said, confused.
Zechs stepped up to Nin and shouted, "Where's Heero?! I'm going to DESTROY him!" (A/N: lol...gotta love the cut version...n_n)
"Congrats, Zechs! You can SPEAK again!" Nin shouted.
Everyone laughed. Zechs was almost as funny as Heero!
Zechs stormed out the door.
Then Trieze regained consciousness AGAIN!
"TRIEZE-SA--" BANG
Everyone looked at Wufei, who was standing over Une's unconscious body, holding a frying pan.
"Whaaaaaat? She was getting DAMN annoying, and I'm trying to meditate!"
Everyone adverted their eyes.
Nin grabbed Trieze, gave him a script, pushed him into a separate room, said, "Memorize your lines!", and closed the door.
"You don't like Trieze much, do you?" asked Sally.
"No...I like him...it's just that I have NO ideas for him, so I'm stalling shamelessly!"
"Ah," Sally said, nodding.
Heero and Relena stepped out of the closet, wearing nothing but towels. Heero looked tramatized.
"Heero, if you would just stop getting lost, wierd things like that wouldn't happen!" Relena said.
Heero whimpered.
"Where did he go THIS time?" Catherine asked.
"...Someplace that will soon be dubbed 'Heero's Hell'. I didn't think it was so bad, but Heero doesn't want me to talk about it. Besides, it violates the censor," Relena answered.
Dorothy looked out the window. "Dorothy see many-names-man coming. He holding one-way ticket to 'Heero's Hell'!"
Heero pulled Relena back into the closet, slammed the door, then locked it.
Zechs stepped inside. "Okay, where is he? I've got a one-way ticket with his name on it!"
Everyone took pity on Heero, and remained silent.
Nin decided to change the subject. "Oh, Mizyuki! You're free to go! You don't have to serve Relena anymore!"
"YEA!!!" Mizyuki cheered. She glomped Duo in all her happiness.
She squeezed him a little too hard...especially with all the wounds he had aquired in such a short time. Poor Duo fainted from the pain.
"Look what you did to him!!!" Hilde shouted.
"You're the one that half-killed him, you violent maniac!" Mizyuki shot back.
"Only Nin Tendo may bash the characters in this story, for she is the almighty goddess of Gundam 1/2. All others must be punished immediately and thoroughly."
"OH, DEAR GOD, NO!!!"
Author's Notes:
1. snicker Let that be a lesson to you all. n_n (I'm sorry Mizyuki. To apologize, I will not write you under Hilde's power...not yet, anyway...lol)
2. No...I won't tell you how Duo got beat up, or what happened in Heero's Hell. It's not that I couldn't think of something...I just thought that it would be nice for everyone to be creative. If you REALLY want to know...mail me. n_n
3. I'm sorry, but I will not accept any more people in this fic. Pip-Chan! I think I can squeeze you in, but you have to e-mail me before the next chapter, because your address ain't on your profile page!
"Nin...."
(humming noises)
"Nin..."
(chuckling noises)
"Nin!"
snicker
"NIN!"
"HUH? Whazzat?"
"Go the the Principal's office. I will not tolerate any students spacing out in my classroom!"
"Awww..." (Nin walks to the Principal's office)
by
Nin Tendo
Chapter 2 ~ Duo's Secret
~ Disclaimer ~ You know, I tried every trick in the book, but I STILL don't own either anime. HEY! I KNOW! Everyone review, and say that Nin Tendo should be in charge of a sequel to Gundam Wing and Ranma 1/2!!! I'll share the profits!!!
NOTE: If a person seems OOC, it's because they're 'getting into character'. There are exceptions, though...like Zechs and Quatre and blah blah blah...
Nin: Hello, and welcome to the next chapter of this quirky mess that I call my story! Have fun! I know I will!
Anonymous Reader: Didn't you have something IMPORTANT to say here?
Nin: Oh, yes! Thank you, Anonymous Reader! Evil, character bashing in reviews will not be tolerated! Ex: Relena sucks! Also, a few of you wanted to willingly sign over your souls--er, I mean, be part of my story. I'll be able to fit you all in, but not in THIS chapter! This chapter was planned out already! And Pip-Chan has to email me! VERY IMPORTANT! THIS chapter is all about Mizyuki-chan-torture. Though, the word 'torture' is a little too strong...more like...um...sigh. I'll just stick with 'torture'.
Anonymous Reader: Don't you ever shut up?!
Nin: Actually, during school, I might as well be mute. When I come home, I go on a continuous sugar high to make up for my silence.
Anonymous Reader: I'm glad that I don't live with you, then.
Nin: Mm hm. You should see me after work. I'm downright SCARY!
Anonymous Reader: (looks frightened)
Nin: Aw, hell. This was an extremely pointless scene. Sigh.
Anonymous Reader: Then why did you even bother writing it in the first place?
Nin: Why, to annoy you, of course, Anonymous Reader!
Anonymous Reader: grumble grumble...
Nin: SUCCESS! n.n
=============================================================================
Nin skipped in to her imaginary theatre, where her ficticious 'friends' resided. (Translation: Nin spaced out in Social Studies, and prepared to terrorize the G-people [and Mizyuki] whom she had locked inside her vivid imagination.)
"Is everyone prepared?!" she shouted, seeing that nobody had noticed her arrival.
Everyone ignored her.
"Alrighty then!" Nin shouted again, then noticed that someone was missing.
"Hey, where's Heero?"
Hearing Heero's name, Relena looked up from where she was having an animated discussion with Quatre and Catherine. "Oh, he's busy getting into character."
Dorothy overheard the small conversation and laughed. "He go to bathroom, and Dorothy no see him since!" (Chinese accent...don't ask...n_n)
Zechs laughed heartily at his rival's plight. Pretty much everyone else joined in. Even the STILL unconscious Trieze snickered in his sleep.
Relena fumed.
Duo, who was the only one (besides Relena) who didn't find humor in Heero's situation, stalked over to Nin, and shouted, "Where the hell have you been?!"
Nin stopped snickering and asked, "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"I've been here for WEEKS, floating around in limbo, waiting for YOU to get your ass in gear, and start writing this story again!!!"
"Ohhhh!" Nin said, enlightened. "Well, I was busy! I wrote a poem for a poem contest (and didn't win...sigh..-_-), I scared my sister's bully shitless, I got inspired to write a couple more stories, I've updated my site, I've updated my archive, I got addicted to Pokemon Pinball, I've been posting messages in some Internet clubs, I'm taking part in a Ranma 1/2 RPG, I've been reading fics, I surfed the net a little, I watched a while lot of movies (including Gundam 0079!!!), I've been working on my cross-stitching projects, I helped mom finish her rug-hooking project, I've gone to school, I've been working, I've written more Ranma fics, I've written more GW fics, and I've been catching up on my sleep, among other things!"
Duo blinked.
"Note to self:" Nin continued, speaking to herself this time, "go to bed earlier, or you'll NEVER break five feet!"
Duo sweatdropped, and backed away from the midget.
Nin snapped back into her imagined reality. "Well, let's get to work, people! We need to finish this chapter before a rabid Mizyuki-chan starts harassing me!"
"HEY!" Mizyuki shouted in indignation.
"I'm sorry, Mizyuki-chan, but like I promised, everyone in this fic must be bashed at some point," Nin replied.
"Oh,,,well, in that case, YOU SUCK RELENA!!! DRY UP AND DIE!!!"
Mizyuki's shout echoed throughout the threatre, and silence decended upon them. Everyone besides Nin turned, and looked at Mizyuki in terror.
Mizyuki wondered why everyone was staring at her. She looked at Nin, and all her questions were answered.
Nin's eyes had turned blood-red, and her long brown hair flowed through the air like Medusa's snakes. In a demon-like voice, she hissed, "Only Nin Tendo may bash the characters in this story, for she is the almighty goddess of Gundam 1/2. All others must be punished immediately and thoroughly."
Mizyuki's eyes widened in horror.
Then a bright flash of light consumed her.
When she reappeared, Mizyuki was dressed in a poor imitation of Relena's school uniform, and written on the front were the words: All Hail Mistress Relena! We Are Not Worthy!
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" Mizyuki screamed.
Nin collapsed on the floor, returning to normal. Standing up again, her footing a little unsure, she looked at Mizyuki and raised an eyebrow.
"Since when are you a Relena-worshipper? ...Actually, it looks more like you're Relena-OBSESSED. Not even a Relena-worshipper would wear THAT."
"You...YOU!!! YOU did this to me, you sadist!!!"
Nin paused. "Wait a sec. Did you just insult someone? My memory is a bit hazy..."
Mizyuki took a deep breath. "I insulted Relena because YOU'LL probably never get around to it, 'cause YOU are a Relena-worsipper! I was doing you a FAVOR, and THIS is how you repay me?!"
"Whoa! Whoa! Let me explain! I installed this split personality into myself to make sure that no one in this fic is bashed too badly! The same thing will happen to anyone that openly insults YOU! It's in everyones best interests! ...Besides, I've been slacking off as a Relena-worshipper lately! I don't give a damn anymore!"
"Whatever. How long do I have to wear this...this...THING?"
"Just until this chapter's done. Oh, and did I neglect to mention that you're Relena's loyal servant throughout the duration of this chapter?"
"WHAT?!"
"Oh, I suppose I did! If Relena asks you to do something, you do it!"
Mizyuki snickered. "Well, we'll see about THAT!"
Relena decided to try it out. "Mizyuki-chan, I want you to go change into your regular clothes."
Mizyuki threw herself at Relena's feet and shouted, "Yes, Mistress! You are my goddess! I shall fulfill your wish to the best of my abilities!" She got up and sped toward the changing room.
"Aww! Relena!" Hilde whined. "Why did you have to do that for? It was just getting GOOD!" Lady Une and the scientists agreed. Mizyuki had played mean tricks on them while Nin was away.
"I'm sorry, guys, but, as a princess of a pasifist country, I am against any form of human suffering...and that includes bad fashion statements."
Everyone stared at Relena a little strangely.
"And, no," Relena continued, "I didn't just insult myself. There's a major time lapse between 2001 and AC196. Fashion's bound to change."
Everyone clapped, because Relena makes the most splendiferous speeches in the world! I mean, people applaud when she invites people to her birthday! What can I say? She's a natural.
(A/N: Oh! Look! I guess I'm a Relena-worshipper again! lol)
Nin moved to take a seat in her director's chair, but the evilest of all evils prevented her from her goal!
"OW!!! GOSH DERNIT!!! I HATE IT WHEN ROCKS GET IN MY SHOES!!!" Nin shouted in fustration.
The GW people stared at the wannabe Author in curiousity as she limped the rest of the way to her chair, then pulled off her shoe and shook it.
Heero fell out. He landed on his nose from the THIRD time in Nin's fanfiction, yet the bone STILL remained intact!
Everyone laughed, because Heero is the most splendiferous comedian in the world! I mean, even Trowa laughed when he made that stupid joke. What can I say? He's a natur--
Heero deathglared Nin, so she decided to quit while she was ahead.
Slowly, Heero stood up on unsteady feet, shivering uncontrollably. He had goosebumps all over his arms and legs, and his hair was frozen solid.
"HEERO!!!" Relena shouted in concern. She grabbed a winter coat out of her Kodachi-hammerspace-connection, ran over to Heero, put it on him, and started to rub his arms, hoping that the friction would help warm him up.
Poor Noin had to restrain Zechs, so she couldn't offer Heero any photos of extremely warm places...for a price, of course.
"Growl!" said Zechs.
Suddenly, Mizyuki ran back inside, relieved that her 'Mistress' had a forgiving nature. That dress was simply diabolical.
"MIZYUKI-CHAN!!! START A HOT BATH FOR HEERO!!!"
"Yes, Mistress! You are my goddess! I shall fulfill your wish to the bast of my abilities!"
"And shorten your response! It's annoying me!"
"Yes, Mistress!" Mizyuki ran off to fill the bath.
Relena ran after her with a shivering Heero in tow.
"GROWL!" said Zechs, jumping to conclusions.
"Where did Heero GO? ...The North Pole?" Catherine asked.
"Antarctica...again?" Quatre suggested.
"Canada?" Sally wondered.
Nin laughed. "Canada's not THAT bad! ...But, then again, Heero WAS wearing his spandex and tanktop..."
Wufei snorted. "You're ALL wrong! I saw Heero walk into the refridgerator. He probably mistook it for the bathroom. I tried to stop him, but he was already gone."
Everyone laughed, because Heero is the most splendiferous comedian in the world! (A/N: OK, OK, so that's getting a little old...n_n)
Suddenly, Trieze regained consciousness!
"TRIEZE-SAMA!!!"
And then he was unconscious again!
"How many times has that happened?" Nin wondered.
"I lost count," Trowa replied. "But we were able to feed him now and then, so he didn't starve to death."
"Well, his big introduction is in the next chapter, so we better figure out how to stop Lady Une from glomping him to death," Nin stated.
"We'll think of something," Noin offered, "but for now, I suggest we get out butts in gear. I have a date with Zechs this evening."
"Groooooowl..." said Zechs.
"I do NOT want to know!" Duo proclaimed.
=============================================================================
Cast of Characters (because you all probably forgot by now...lol):
Instructor H - Soun Tendo
Master O - Genma Saotome
Duo - Ranma Saotome
Hilde - Akane Tendo
Noin - Nabiki Tendo
Une - Kasumi Tendo
Doktor S - the Jusenkyo Guide
Remember that the GW people use the R1/2 people's last names!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!! (ex: Duo Saotome, Hilde Tendo)
=============================================================================
"I'll explain it once more," Instructor Tendo announced. "This is my dear old friend..." He outstretched his hand to Master Saotome.
"...Master Saotome," he said, introducing himself. "And this is my SON..."
"...Duo," concluded the braided boy.
Hilde glared at Duo with an intense anger. Duo stared back, sweat-dropping.
"What's this all about?" asked Noin, confused.
"Are you really HER?" Une asked. "That same GIRL?"
"Hmmmm," brooded Master Saotome. "Where should I begin? I know...HYAH!!" he shouted, throwing Duo in the Tendo's fishpond.
"HEY!!" SPLOOSH "What the hell are you DOING?!" Duo-onna shouted, resurfacing as a girl.
Hilde stopped glaring, surprised.
"Mm?" Noin murmered, shocked.
"Now he's a GIRL!" Une exclaimed.
Master Saotome started bawling. "Ohhh. My own son. So humiliating. So humiliating."
Duo-onna kicked her father into the fishpond. Master Saotome resurfaced as a PO'd O-panda.
"Who are YOU to talk?!" Duo-onna shouted.
"Daddy? Why are you friends with them?" Une asked her father.
"They weren't like this before!" Instructor Tendo said in defense. "Not before they went to China...and undertook that terrifying training exercise!"
(A pic of O-panda and Duo-onna soaking in the tub entertains the readers as Duo changes both clothes and gender for the flashback scene)
//Flashback--Mt. Quanjing, Bayankala Range, Qinghai Province, China//
"Here, sir," Jusenkyo Guide S presented, "is legendary 'Training Ground of Accursed Springs'!"
A slightly younger looking Master and Duo sttod beside the guide, staring out at all the hundreds of springs with bamboo poles sticking out of them.
Duo's hair wasn't braided...it was in a ponytail.
From off the set, Quatre, in a fit of OOCness, issued a few catcalls, because Duo looked as female as his female half.
"SHUDDUP!!!" Duo shouted, and started chasing poor Quatre, weilding a bamboo pole.
(A/N: The resulting scene is censored, for this fic is only rated PG-13. Let's move on, shall we?)
"Are you prepared, Duo?" Master asked.
A severly bruised and beaten Duo muttered, "This place isn't so impressive."
(A/N: I'm sure that you all can manage to come up with a creative reason why Duo got his arse kicked)
"This place very dangerous. Nobody use now," Jusenkyo Guide S said. "Is more than one hundred spring here...and every one have own tragic legend!"
"Duo, follow me!" Master shouted, as he and Duo completely ignored the guide, and jumped onto the top of the bamboo poles.
"Ah! Sir! What you doing?" Jusenkyo Guide S shouted, trying to get their attention...but, alas, he did not.
"I won't go easy on you," Master told Duo.
"That's how I want it," Duo replied.
"Please, sir! Very bad if you fall in spring!" the guide shouted...only to be ignored again.
"OYSHOHTOH!" Master shouted, attacking his son.
Duo wordlessly flipped over his father, and kicked him into a spring.
"Gotcha," he said, smirking. Then, when Master didn't come up again, he asked, "Pop? What's up? We done already? YOW!"
To Duo's surprise, a panda dressed in his father;s clothes jumped out of the spring, and landed on top of another pole.
"Wha--? Wha--? Wha--?" Duo said, pointing at the panda.
"That is 'Spring of Drowned Panda'! There is tragic legend, very tragic, of panda...who drown there two thousand year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring...take body of panda!" Jusenkyo Guide S shouted in a single breath.
"Oh, no," Duo said, finally NOT ignored the guide. O-panda started swiping at him, but Duo dodged, and shouted, "Wait a second! You never said anything about--"
O-panda cut him off by tossing him into a spring.
"Ohhhh!" Jusenkyo Guide S moaned. "Not 'Spring of Drowned Girl'! There is tragic legend, VERY tragic, of young girl who drown in spring...one thousand five hundred year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring...take body of young girl!"
Duo-onna resurfaced, looked down her shirt, and said, "UHHHH?"
"You see what I mean?"
//End Flashback//
The Tendos and Saotomes sat in silence until a passing wind disturbed a lone wind chime.
"The Legendary Ground of Accursed Springs," Instructor Tendo murmered. "Its true horror has always been shrouded in mystery. But now..."
Duo glared at the floor. "Feh! Whaddya mean, 'true horror'?" He grabbed his father by the collar of his gi. "Yo, old man--What's the idea draggin' me to a place like that, anyway?"
"HEEYAH!" Master shouted, throwing Duo in the fishpond again.
SPLASH "YOW!" Duo-onna shouted, turning female again.
"You sound like a WOMAN!" Master shouted. "Were you not prepared to give your life for the sake of your training?"
"My life, yes," Duo-onna replied, proceeding to splash her father with a conveniently placed bucket of cold water. "MY MANHOOD IS ANOTHER STORY!"
Duo-onna and O-panda got into a scrag-fight. (A/N: Whaaaaat? It sure looks that way in the manga! lol)
"Oh, what a tragedy!" Instructor Tendo shouted, bursting into tears.
"Stop that!" Une shouted, causing Duo-onna and O-panda to cease fighting. "You just went TOO FAR, Mr. Saotome!"
"Yeah!" Noin agreed. "Even for martial arts training!"
"What EVER made you do something so dangerous?" Une continued.
O-panda dropped a book on the floor, and Noin picked it up. Une looked over her shoulder.
"It's Chinese. A map...and guide book?" Une guessed.
"Something about...'training grounds'." Noin replied.
"No wonder..." Une murmered, then turned to O-panda. "You can't read Chinese, can you?!"
O-panda held up a sign that said 'correct!'.
Duo-onna punched her father.
Instructor Tendo wordlessly poured some boiling hot water on O-panda. "So," he said, "when doused with hot water, you return to human form."
Master Saotome received minor burns. "Well, it needn't be quite THAT hot."
Instructor Tendo turned to Duo. "When doused with cold water, you become a girl...but HOT water turns you back into a BOY!"
He tried to splash Duo-onna, but she got out of the way. "HOT water! Not BOILING!"
"No sweat," Instructor Tendo replied, patting Duo-onna on the back. "Your problem isn't so terrible after all!"
"Huh?" Duo-onna wondered.
Instructor Tendo introduced his daughters. "My daughter, Une. Nineteen. And Noin. Seventeen. And Hilde. Sixteen. Pick the one you want. She's your fiancee."
"Oh, he wants Hilde!" Une exclaimed.
"Eh?" Hilde murmered, confused.
"Oh, definitely!" noin agreed, pushing Hilde forward.
"You must be joking!" Hilde shouted. "Why would I be--"
"Well...you hate BOYS, don't you?" Noin rationalized.
"So you're in luck! He's half girl!" Une said, smiling.
"Me? Marry that PERVERT?! NEVER!" Hilde shouted.
Duo-onna growled. Hilde had struck a nerve. "Say--whaddya mean, 'PERVERT'?!"
"You looked at my BODY, pervert!"
"HOLD IT! YOU walked in on ME!"
"It's DIFFERENT when a GIRL sees a BOY!"
The two old fogies started laughing. "They're already a perfect couple!" Instructor Tendo proclaimed.
"He's a couple by HIMSELF!" Hilde shouted at her father. She turned back to Duo-onna. "And if you ever--"
"GOODBYE!" Duo-onna interrupted, heading for the door.
"Where are you going, boy?" Master Saotome warned.
"Back to China!" Duo-onna replied. "To find a way to change back for good! This is no time for 'fiancees'." She turned back to Hilde. "By the way...YOU took a pretty good look at ME, too." She opened the top of her shirt, showing a bit of cleavage. "Besides, it's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I mean, I've seen MYSELF plently of times, right? And I'm BUILT better to boot!"
Duo-onna laughed and laughed...until Hilde brained him with the kitchen table.
"Now THAT he had coming!" said Master Saotome.
=============================================================================
Duo-onna regained consciousness in the guestroom.
"Mm?" she murmered, opening her eyes.
"Ah! She's awake!" Une said from where she was sitting beside Noin.
Duo-onna tried to get up too fast, then moaned, holding her head in her hands.
"Are you okay?" Une asked. "Don't think too badly of Hilde. She's really a very sweet girl. She's just a violent maniac."
"Oh, good, Une. That makes LOTS of sense," Noin said, sarcastically.
=============================================================================
Hilde entered the bathroom, only to see Mizyuki guarding the door to the tub.
"What are YOU doing here?!" Hilde shouted.
"Guarding the door for Mistress Relena!" Mizyuki answered, unable to insult her arch-enemy, because Relena had told her not to.
"Why would she..." The light dawned. "Oh. Well, I better not, uh, interrupt them..."
Noin, smelling potential blackmail, burst in, pushed Mizyuki aside, held her camera in the ready-position, and opened the door.
Everyone saw Relena and Heero making out for a split second before they disappeared in a flash of light.
"ROAR!" said Zechs.
"Dammit! Too late!" Noin cursed.
"Get back to work, everyone!!!" Nin shouted, now that the HY/RP sap was over.
Mizyuki and Noin ran offstage, and Hilde went inside and got undressed.
Filling a backet of water, and upending it over her head, Hilde thought, 'Make a fool of ME, eh? Why that...that...that...'
I'm BUILT better to boot!
'That...that...BOY!'
=============================================================================
Duo-onna walked down the stairs, thinking, 'Yeeeouch! It still smarts. What kind of GIRL is she, anyway?'
You want to be friends?
Duo-onna stepped into the bathroom, and undressed. 'So much for "friends" when she found out I'm a BOY!'
Duo-onna opened the door just as a naked Hilde started to leave.
"Uh...uh...uh oh!"
"Why you...you...you..."
POW!
=============================================================================
A now masculine Duo sat outside with his father.
"So she's got SPUNK. That just makes a fiancee CUTER," Master Saotome said.
Duo had a huge bruise on his face. "CUTE is not the word."
Noin and Hilde were sitting at the table.
"But you were both GIRLS, right? That makes it okay!" Noin said.
"OKAY is not the word," Hilde replied.
=============================================================================
"YEA! YEA! It's done! It's done! Now people will stop harrassing me!" Nin shrieked.
"I did NOT harrass you!" Mizyuki shouted.
"I never said that you did..." Nin said, confused.
Zechs stepped up to Nin and shouted, "Where's Heero?! I'm going to DESTROY him!" (A/N: lol...gotta love the cut version...n_n)
"Congrats, Zechs! You can SPEAK again!" Nin shouted.
Everyone laughed. Zechs was almost as funny as Heero!
Zechs stormed out the door.
Then Trieze regained consciousness AGAIN!
"TRIEZE-SA--" BANG
Everyone looked at Wufei, who was standing over Une's unconscious body, holding a frying pan.
"Whaaaaaat? She was getting DAMN annoying, and I'm trying to meditate!"
Everyone adverted their eyes.
Nin grabbed Trieze, gave him a script, pushed him into a separate room, said, "Memorize your lines!", and closed the door.
"You don't like Trieze much, do you?" asked Sally.
"No...I like him...it's just that I have NO ideas for him, so I'm stalling shamelessly!"
"Ah," Sally said, nodding.
Heero and Relena stepped out of the closet, wearing nothing but towels. Heero looked tramatized.
"Heero, if you would just stop getting lost, wierd things like that wouldn't happen!" Relena said.
Heero whimpered.
"Where did he go THIS time?" Catherine asked.
"...Someplace that will soon be dubbed 'Heero's Hell'. I didn't think it was so bad, but Heero doesn't want me to talk about it. Besides, it violates the censor," Relena answered.
Dorothy looked out the window. "Dorothy see many-names-man coming. He holding one-way ticket to 'Heero's Hell'!"
Heero pulled Relena back into the closet, slammed the door, then locked it.
Zechs stepped inside. "Okay, where is he? I've got a one-way ticket with his name on it!"
Everyone took pity on Heero, and remained silent.
Nin decided to change the subject. "Oh, Mizyuki! You're free to go! You don't have to serve Relena anymore!"
"YEA!!!" Mizyuki cheered. She glomped Duo in all her happiness.
She squeezed him a little too hard...especially with all the wounds he had aquired in such a short time. Poor Duo fainted from the pain.
"Look what you did to him!!!" Hilde shouted.
"You're the one that half-killed him, you violent maniac!" Mizyuki shot back.
"Only Nin Tendo may bash the characters in this story, for she is the almighty goddess of Gundam 1/2. All others must be punished immediately and thoroughly."
"OH, DEAR GOD, NO!!!"
Author's Notes:
1. snicker Let that be a lesson to you all. n_n (I'm sorry Mizyuki. To apologize, I will not write you under Hilde's power...not yet, anyway...lol)
2. No...I won't tell you how Duo got beat up, or what happened in Heero's Hell. It's not that I couldn't think of something...I just thought that it would be nice for everyone to be creative. If you REALLY want to know...mail me. n_n
3. I'm sorry, but I will not accept any more people in this fic. Pip-Chan! I think I can squeeze you in, but you have to e-mail me before the next chapter, because your address ain't on your profile page!
"Nin...."
(humming noises)
"Nin..."
(chuckling noises)
"Nin!"
snicker
"NIN!"
"HUH? Whazzat?"
"Go the the Principal's office. I will not tolerate any students spacing out in my classroom!"
"Awww..." (Nin walks to the Principal's office)