W h a t T
h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d
B y A b i
l e n e K e e g a n
~ 4 ~
"I never made you
unhappy, depressed and miserable, you did that all by yourself." The words
echoed through Abby's memory. A
reminder of how right her ex husband could sometimes be. She had done this all to herself. She had repeated the same mistakes she'd
made before. She had once again
wallowed in everything wrong in her life. Ignoring everything that was right in her life. Luka was right. Being with him had always just felt right. Like she belonged with him. She'd ignored those feelings though. Not letting herself feel that which could
make her happy. Instead she focused on
everything that made her miserable. She
was good at that. In fact somewhere in
her subconscious the reemergence of her mother had probably thrilled her. It gave her something else to focus on. Something negative.
She took full advantage of the situation. She'd wined about her childhood all over
again. Despite the fact that it was
over and done with. And nothing she or
her mother said would ever make things different. She again bitched about her mother not taking her medication and
told Maggie that on count of it she wanted her to leave. All the while she should have simply been
helping Maggie. Talking things over and
trying to figure out why exactly she wouldn't take the meds and see what she
could do about getting her to take them again. In the end that had, after all, pretty much been the conclusion of
things between them. But if she hadn't
made things more difficult then she wouldn't have had something to feel
depressed about. For once in her life
she might have actually been forced to focus on the good. And she couldn't have that.
She didn't know exactly what had happened to Luka's
family. But she knew that whatever it
was it was a great tragedy. One that he
had had to live through. One that he'd
never forget. That is why she didn't
talk to him much about her feelings and her situation with her mother. Why she'd never told him about her marriage
and what had led her to drinking. She
was honestly afraid he'd laugh at her. He had been through so much and still managed to lead a normal
life. He never focused on only the
negativity in his life. And if either
of them had a right to she was certain it was he. How could he ever understand how she could possibly feel so
miserable about her measly problems when his own problems, far greater then
hers, he'd managed to surpass? She
didn't even understand.
"Abby?" Abby looked up from her cup of coffee and in the direction of the
voice. It was Weaver. She already knew that much before her eyes
finally landed on the ER chief. Abby
began to stand up, pretending to be going back to work, but Kerry's hand
motioned her back down. "How you
doing?"
Abby was most surprised by
the question. Shouldn't these people
all hate her? Shouldn't they be viewing
her as a slut and a betrayer? Nobody
that was aware of the situation should be asking her how she is doing. And she now knew that Kerry was one of a few
people who knew what had occurred between her and Carter. She'd been the one who'd had to tell her. It hadn't been an easy thing to do either
but it had been most necessary.
"I'm fine." Abby spoke the words rapidly and uninterestingly, trying to get the
point across that she didn't feel anybody should be asking her that
question. Quickly she rushed into a
more important issue. "Look Dr.
Weaver I want to thank you for taking real consideration in why Luka really hit
Carter." Kerry walked over and sat
across from Abby at the lounge table.
"To be honest attacking another doctor the way Luka
did would have gotten anybody fired but especially a member of the senior
staff." Abby was about to make
another excuse for Luka, thinking that perhaps one was needed, but Kerry
quickly continued. "But we
realized it was a personal situation and had it occurred anywhere else then we
wouldn't have done anything about it. Truth is he still should have been fired cause it did happen here but I
realize that it's more in part to you that this all took place at the
hospital." Abby looked down at her
hands suddenly feeling like a child being scolded for doing a bad deed.
"I'm sorry Dr. Weaver." Kerry was already shaking her head.
"I'm not asking for an apology Abby. I realize that professional lives her in the
ER always tend to mix with personal. I'm going to be honest with you, you and Luka's relationship has been
one of the most discreet as far as working together goes. You've both done a good job at keeping your
personal relationship separate from your professional relationship. Now, as violent as the sudden emergence of
those two relationships may have been, I still felt it did not warrant his
being fired over the first and so far only incident ever to involve his
personal life. He's a good doctor and
firing him would have been wrong." Kerry began to stand up, apparently having said all she felt needed to
be said. "But for now on Abby do
keep personal things away from professional." Kerry stopped at the door and turned back to say one more
thing. "If you do need someone to
talk to I'd be happy to lend an ear."
"Thanks Dr.
Weaver." Abby smiled up at her
boss. "For everything."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carter stood in the
doorway of his achingly empty bedroom. His eyes were transfixed on the form of his bed. Due to the darkness he could barely make it
out. He was relived. He didn't really want to see it. The mental image he had was enough. Funny thing was what he was most thinking
about was not the night before when he had made love to Abby but this morning
when he had woken up with Abby in his arms. It had been waking up to everything he had ever wanted.
He'd known for a while now that he was in love with
her. After all how could he not have
fallen in love with her? She was
wonderful, she was beautiful, she was smart, she was everything he could want
in someone. The fact that she had so
many problems of her own had only drawn Carter even closer to her. It had made him feel even deeper for
her. She wasn't perfect, she was just
like him. She had had a bad childhood
and also she had had an addiction. She
was so much like him that his need to help her had been so very strong. In turn he knew that he'd also be helping
himself. They were healing each
other. They were so much alike.
What
she saw in Luka remained a mystery to Carter. All he ever saw between them was... well, nothing. They didn't appear to have much of a
relationship at all. He could, and
probably would have, assumed that they were both just very good about being
discreet if it weren't for Abby's own actions and apparent emotions. To Carter Abby always appeared miserable and
she never failed to confirm this emotion by talking with him about her
problems. She'd always opened herself
up fully to Carter, she'd always told him everything, and he loved that. She wasn't afraid to go to him. She wasn't afraid to open herself up to
him. To reveal her every emotion. By this fact alone Carter knew that she
didn't have much of a loquacious relationship with Luka. So what did she have with him?
Carter mentally shook his head, deciding for now he
didn't really care. He walked slowly
over to his bed and began pulling off the covers and sheets. The emptiness of the room was already strong
enough, last thing he needed was to lie down in a bed that smelled just like
Abby. He missed her deeply. He wished she were there. He loved her. He only wished someday she might realize she loved him too.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Luka stared out the small window beside his seat and
watched as the lines on the runway began rapidly rushing by as the plane grew
in momentum. He was glad that it was
dark out. The darkness always seemed a
better place to wallow in ones misery. For some reason being miserable in the daylight just didn't seem to
quite fit. Mourning was definitely made to be done at night.
And he was mourning. For he knew a part of his life was over. He had lost yet another true love. Only this time the loss had brought with it a whole new
feeling. One he had never known
before. Betrayal. Nobody he'd ever been with had ever cheated
on him before. Not that, unless it had
been his wife, it would have mattered. Betrayal was being unfaithful. Therefore you could feel betrayed only if the betrayer was someone you
felt faith in. He'd only felt such an
emotion for two women in his life. One
he knew for certain had never cheated on him. The other one he couldn't understand why she had.
He loved Abby. She had to have known that before. How could she not? He was still
with her wasn't he? Despite how
frustrating she could be at times, he'd stuck with her. Despite that fact that she wouldn't talk to
him and instead constantly found solace in another man, he had stayed with
her. Of course was it truly her felt that
she had to go to Carter all this time for comfort? He had never really tried very hard at getting her to open up to
him. In fact he'd never tried at
all. He'd been far too wrapped up in
his own problems. Problems he also
wouldn't share with her. If he wouldn't
share his own problems then it was not wonder she never talked to him. She must no doubt feel like he didn't want
to hear about her troubles.
Luka now had to
wonder why she'd stayed with him at all. Carter clearly listened to her. He helped her and he comforted her. Luka had failed to do any of that for her. Could he really blame her for cheating on him? If she loved Carter then he supposed a part
of him would understand. But she said
she loved him and if that were true then she had no right doing what she'd
done. She could have at least had the
dignity to end things with him first. Didn't he deserve at least that much from her, despite how terrible he
might have been to her during their relationship? He felt he did.
Luka watched the ground growing further and further away
till his window was a view of nothing but darkness. The darkness was a perfect likeness to his heart. He was miserable, sad and alone. And despite everything she'd put him
through, despite the fact that these feelings were all due solely to her, he
already missed Abby.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Abby stared at the empty
spot beside her bed thinking only of the person that should be lying
there. She missed him terribly. She wished desperately that he were with
her. That his arms were around
her. She knew she'd never have either
again. A tear fell from her cheek and
landed on her pillow. She looked down
to where it had landed. As her vision
began to blear with more tears her mind wondered to where this had all begun .
. .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
End of Chapter 4
Author's Note: Cool, things are actually starting to come
together in my mind again. At least for
the next few chapters. So it shouldn't
be too long till I get them posted. I
hope you all liked this chapter a little better then the last. I tried adding more emotion, cause obviously
that was needed. Short as it might have
been this is the first time I've ever written from Carter's POV. So, I hope I wasn't to off on the
character. Specially cause I know I'll
have to write from his view again. :) Anyhow, see you all in the next Chapter. (I hope)
Disclaimer: The above was a story of fiction based
on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.