CHOICES – A Buffy/ Angel Saga
Chapter 014 – Listening to Fear
Buffy frantically searched through the battle site
although she was finding it difficult to see through her tears. The sun had
long since set again. Spike had diligently stayed by Buffy's side helping her
to find his wayward Sire. After a few hours he was beginning to get a little
bit worried himself.
Now Spike would be the first one to admit his bone deep
hatred for the bloody poof. He had issues that would make a flock of therapists
head spin but beyond the hatred and animosity, deeper than the jealousy over
Buffy and Dru there was something else. It was the reason Spike wasn't giving
up. It was love of family. Angel was blood and that's all there was too it.
Okay there was the fear that if he didn't help find Angel
that Buffy, in her hysteria, would finally follow through on her threat to
finally stake him…for good.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Buffy was still searching when all of the sudden she felt
him. It was like her blood was humming and her every nerve was singing and her soul
which had been weeping was now crying out in joy. She looked up and in the
distance she saw a man step out from behind the decimated building.
She hesitated a moment before she started walking towards
the dark figure. With every step the sensation of Angel grew stronger and she
went from walking to half skipping to a full out run.
When she was only a few feet away she stopped. She looked
at him, tears pouring down her face. He walked towards her, his own tears
cascading down his cheeks.
They stood inches away from one another.
"Angel is it really you or am I dreaming?"
"It's really me baby."
Buffy's face scrunched up and she launched herself into
Angel's arms sobbing wildly and running her hands over him to be sure he was
really there. She nuzzled her head against his chest and she let out a little
laugh.
"What is it?" Angel asked.
"My heart is pounding so loudly I can hear it in your
chest."
Angel pulled back from her and took hold of her hand. He
brought her hand up and placed her open palm above where his heart should be
and he waited.
Buffy's palm was all that touched Angel and she stared at
him in disbelief as she felt a steady heartbeat pound beneath her fingers. She
looked at his chest then up at him. He could read the questions in her eyes.
"What…I don't…how? Is it real?"
"It's real. I'm alive."
"Oh god Angel."
Buffy grabbed a hold of Angel wrapping her arms around
his neck and covering his face and neck with little kisses. Buffy was laughing
and crying as they tumbled to the ground in celebration. It was a wonderful
happy moment and then he asked.
"Is everyone else okay?"
Those four words effectively burst Buffy's happy little
bubble. She pulled away from Angel and sat hugging her knees.
"Dawn broke her arm, Anya was pierced with a metal rod,
and Xander fractured a few ribs and dislocated his shoulder. Cordelia, Wesley,
Willow, Oz and I all have your typical post apocalyptic bruises and abrasions
and Giles was knocked out as usual. Spike escaped with little injury, you're
fine and Riley and his demon are of the dead."
"What about Tara?"
"Tara?"
"You didn't mention Tara is she okay?"
"Tara uh o-h g-od sh-e…"
"She what?"
Buffy couldn't speak through her tears so she opened the
connection to Angel not even thinking it might be altered now that he was
human.
'She died. She was thrown so far and her neck broke and her head split open on a rock. There was so much blood oh Angel I couldn't save her.'
"Oh Buffy, it's not your fault. You couldn't be
everywhere at once. We'd all be dead if it weren't for you."
Angel pulled Buffy into his lap and rocked her gently
while she mourned for Tara and all those who where affected by her loss.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Buffy walked into the hospital and stopped into Anya's
room. Anya was sleeping and Xander was sitting in the chair beside her bed. He
looked up and smiled when he heard Buffy come into the room.
"How is she?"
"Doctor's say she's going to be fine, sore but fine."
Xander stood and pulled Buffy into a hug.
"How are you holding up Xander?"
"I'm okay. I could certainly do without another
apocalypse any time soon."
"Yeah I think I've filled like the quota for the year."
"How are you doing Buffy? Is Angel okay?"
Xander pulled away from Buffy when she didn't respond. He
tried to look her in the eye but she was looking at the dingy hospital parquet
flooring.
"Buffy?"
"Angel's good."
She still wasn't looking at Xander. He took his fingers
and lifted her gaze to his.
"It's not right Xan."
"What's not?" Buffy could hear the concern and fear in
her friend's voice.
"It's not right for me to have such good news when Anya
is lying here suffering and Tara is…"
"What news Buffy?"
"Angel he is …he's human."
Xander didn't know what to say but he pulled Buffy back
into his arms.
"It's about time something good happened to you Buff. You
deserve this after what went down with Riley. Hell you deserve it after all
that's happened since you've arrived on the Hellmouth. Don't think you
shouldn't have this just because of the rest of us. You hear me?"
"Thank you Xander."
"Hey I'm your friend."
"One of the best."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Buffy slipped into Willow's room. Oz was keeping vigil at
her bedside. Willow was awake and they both turned when Buffy poked her head
in.
"Hey guys."
"Buffy!" Willow cried and held her arms out to her
friend.
Buffy stepped into the room and gave Oz a brief hug
before sitting on the bed beside Willow who launched herself into Buffy's embrace.
The girls cried into one another as the fiercely clung to the other. They cried
for love, loss, and friends.
It seemed like hours before the two finally pulled away
from one another. Willow looked over Buffy and although she looked like she'd
been to hell and back and she looked worn beyond her years and the tears she'd
cried were evident in the swollen patches beneath her tired eyes there was
something about her.
It only took a minute to figure out what the something
was.
"How's Angel?"
Buffy almost jumped back off the bed and she paled
visibly. Fresh tears appeared in her eyes and she looked terrified. Willow
thought something had happened to Angel and she felt her stomach leap into her
throat.
"Buffy?"
She reached her hand out to touch Buffy but Buffy
recoiled and fell off the end of the bed. She scrambled to her feet and bolted
out the door. She made her way down the hall and collapsed on a nearby bench
her emotions getting the better of her. She didn't expect Oz to crouch down in
front of her. She startled and shrank away from him.
"Buffy what's going on? Did something happen to Angel?"
"Yes."
"Well what is it Buffy? What the hell happened that made
you tear out of the room like that? Willow is all worried.'
"Oh god Oz. How can I look Willow in the face after she
lost Tara and tell her that Angel is human? I shouldn't have my happy ending
when everyone else is hurting the way they are."
"Buffy no one can fault you for Angel becoming human
anymore than they can fault you for what happened."
"Yes they can. I'm the slayer, I'm supposed to protect
you."
"Buffy we all signed on for this. Tara was hurt after the
spell. It was a fluke. Willow doesn't blame you."
Buffy was sobbing heavily and Oz pulled her into his
embrace and held her a moment before leading her back to Willow's room.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Buffy checked in with Giles and Dawn and then headed
home. She needed to take a few minutes for herself and she desperately needed a
hot shower and a change of clothes. She opened the door to her mother's house
on Revello drive and she was made her way up to the shower.
She stood under the hot spray and closed her eyes against
the visions of the past few days. She felt like she was coming out of a waking nightmare.
Flashes like snapshots clouded her vision. One thing stood out in her mind.
Something she didn't think about before, not able to because of the
overwhelming events that had transpired.
Angel had been human before and gave it up. Would he do
the same now?
Buffy slumped to the bottom of the tub and sobbed harder
than she ever had.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Buffy walked to the mansion and knocked on the front
door. She could hear the joyous sounds of a reunion happening inside and she
was happy for everyone she truly was and she hated to disrupt their little
gathering but she needed to speak with Angel now.
Wesley opened the door and smiled warmly at Buffy. He
stepped back and made a sweeping gesture with his other arm in way of an
invite.
"Buffy do join us."
"I need to speak to Angel."
"Well he's inside in the main room."
"Would you fetch him?"
Wesley looked at Buffy oddly a moment.
"You don't want to come in and find him yourself?"
"No I would appreciate if you would tell him I am here."
"All right then."
Wesley disappeared into the mansion and Buffy stood
outside hugging herself fighting the urge to both run inside and embrace her
friends and run screaming from Sunnydale completely never to return.
She was immersed in thought and didn't hear him come to
the doorway. He watched her carefully a moment before stepping outside.
"Buffy?"
She turned to him and wanted desperately to run into his
arms. She squeezed her arms tighter around herself.
"Aren't you going to come inside?"
"No. We need to talk."
"And we can't talk inside?"
"No."
Angel just looked at Buffy a minute before closing the
door behind him and coming up beside her. When he reached her side Buffy began
walking. They walked in silence until they found themselves on the hill
overlooking Sunnydale.
"What's going on Buffy?"
She turned and looked at him standing before her, the
setting sun glinting across his face in vibrant shades of yellow and gold and
red. It was a sight she never thought she would ever see, well once she
remembered the 'day that wasn't' she never thought she'd see it again. Yet here
he was a heavenly vision standing against this picture perfect backdrop of a
blazing sun setting on the horizon.
She reached her hand out and placed it first on his face,
cradling his cheek and reveling in the heat that he provided, he provided
to her. She then placed her hand against his chest. She closed her eyes and
remembered standing at the pier in the sunlight with him her hand like it was
now, the soft steady beat of his heart matching her own.
~
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
*I Could Not Ask For More – Sara Evans
~
Buffy choked back a sob and with her other hand she wiped
furiously at the traitorous tears that threatened to fall. Angel reached his
hand out to touch her when she spoke.
"How long?"
Angel almost didn't hear her she spoke so softly but he
did and his hand stopped mid air.
"What?"
Buffy brought her gaze to his and asked again.
"I said how long?"
Angel looked confused and Buffy pulled her hand away from
him.
"How long what Buffy? I don't understand."
"HOW LONG DAMN IT?" She near screamed. "How long before
you decide to give it back? How long before you rip my heart out again. How
long before you decide that you can't love me as a human or vampire and leave
me to drown in the sea full of fish I don't want whilst spouting speeches about
sunlight and children? How long before it ends?"
During her tantrum Buffy had been hitting Angel's chest.
Angel allowed her to do it without laying a hand on her but he eventually
grabbed a hold of her wrists and she slumped against him and they both
collapsed to the ground. Neither one could remain standing under the strain of
the emotion that had seized both of them. Angel held Buffy close and the tears
fought their way past his stoic refusal to give in to them.
"Buffy I'm not going to give this up. I'm not going to
give you up."
Angel made Buffy look at him. He wanted her to see the
truth in his eyes.
"I don't believe you."
"I love you Ionúin with everything in me. You are the
reason I am here at all. You have been my reason to fight, my reason to live
since the moment I saw you standing in the brilliant sunshine on the steps of
your high school in LA. You made me want to be someone to be counted.
I wasn't ready to accept or believe I deserved the gift
of humanity before. I thought it was a mistake and I wasn't prepared to let you
die because of it. I have been selfish when it comes to you. I should never
have allowed what happened between us to ever happen but I was too selfish in
my desire for you to walk away. When I gave up our chance for happiness it was
because I was too selfish to let what I wanted cost you your life. Now…now I'm
too selfish to let anything take you away from me again."
Buffy stood in shock a minute, trying to absorb Angel's
shocking confession.
"Do…do you promise?"
"Always."
Buffy threw herself into Angel's arms and the two long
lost lovers were finally reunited they way they always should have been. Buffy and
Angel rolled around laughing and crying happy tears on the grassy hilltop
overlooking Sunnydale for the first time with hope for a bright future not
knowing that their friends looked on in the distance.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Angel can I ask you something?"
"Anything?"
"You said something to me before we left for the battle
and you said I would have to survive the fight to learn what you'd said."
"Yeah."
"Well the battle is over and I'm here and you're here so
spill."
"I said I love you Ionúin, a ghrá mo chroí."
"What does it mean?"
"It means I love you beloved, love of my heart."
"That's beautiful."
"So are you mo ghrá, so are you."