Story Note: In case you haven't already figured it out this
chapter takes place on the night of Abby's betrayal. (As I'll call it.)
W h a t T
h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d
B y A b i
l e n e K e e g a n
~ 5 ~
- - - - - - - -
Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home
why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone
- - - - - - - -
Abby stared blankly down at the mug in her
hands. The words Doc Magoos had once
been visible to her now bleared vision. Her mind was on so many things that night that they were all now running
together. Making her mind numb and
dazed. A movement managed to catch her
attention and she looked up just as Carter sat down across from her.
"Hey." The young doctor smiled over at her sweetly
and she couldn't help but smile back. She wondered what he could possibly be doing here. She'd figured they wouldn't be talking very
much anymore. Of course this was Doc
Magoos, a place to eat, perhaps he was just hungry.
"Hi Carter." He gave her a funny look and shook his head
with slight laughter.
"I'd really prefer if you'd
just call me by my first name. I never
did like hearing you call me by such professional standards." Abby took a sip of her coffee trying to
ignore how personal his request had sounded. She knew he was going to continue where they'd left off. He wanted a relationship with her.
"Kind of late for coffee isn't
it?" He asked her teasingly as he
picked up a menu lying at the side of the table.
"Not if I plan on staying up
late." Truth was her coffee was
already cold and she'd barely touched it. But she did have every intentions of being up most the night. And it wasn't cause she had to work. Her shift had been over for nearly two hours
now. She simply had too many things
running around in her mind for unconsciousness to have any chance at claiming
her tonight.
"And do you?" She looked over at him confused.
"Do I what?"
"Plan on staying up late?"
"Oh, um, I suppose
so." Carter nodded and looked down
at the menu in his hands.
"Where's Luka?" Abby wondered why he wanted to know.
"At home." She decided not to ask. And apparently he decided he wouldn't delve
any further into that subject himself.
"So, you getting anything to
eat?" Abby considered the question
as she tried to remember the last time she had eaten. She couldn't remember so she nodded her head and reached for
another menu lying on the table.
"Yeah, I suppose I
should."
"Good idea." Abby laughed. Apparently Carter had become aware of her habit of missing meals,
especially when her world was chaotic.
"So, about earlier,"
Carter began and Abby swallowed deeply. Here we go. "I am
sorry." She looked up from her
menu surprised and found herself looking into Carter's eyes. "I shouldn't have walked away like that
and I shouldn't have turned you away like that. So, if you still need someone to talk to then I'm here to
listen." Abby nodded but said
nothing, only continued looking over the menu. She knew that both her and Carter had been here so many times that they
probably both knew the menu by heart. Still it was a good distraction.
"Can I take your
order?" Abby looked up and found
an unfamiliar waitress standing beside their table. Good, she didn't feel much like making small talk with a waitress
they knew. Both her and Carter ordered
and suddenly they had no more distractions, as the menus were no longer needed.
"You going back to med
school?" Carter finally broke the
silence by asking a question Abby didn't want to think about. She knew she'd have to eventually though,
might as well be now.
"I don't know."
"Do you want to go
back?" There he goes again,
getting into what she didn't want to face.
"I don't know."
"Why not? Don't you want to be a doctor?" Abby looked down at her hands folded on the
table. Did she?
"There was a time that that was
all I wanted to be. Then I was a third
year med student and everything seemed so impossible and I was always afraid
that I was going to kill somebody. I
even almost did a couple times. Then I
was a nurse again and everything was so much easier. I'm not the doctor and the patients didn't depend on me to save
their lives. I don't know if I can go
back. I kind of like where I am."
"Because it's
easier?" Abby looked up
quickly. Had he just insulted her?
"Because I'm not liable to kill
anybody." She defended herself
sternly. Carter's gentle smile put her
back at ease. He wasn't insulting her
he was only trying to help her.
"I'd think it a shame if you
didn't go back. The medical community
will miss out." Abby laughed.
"Yeah
right. I'm sure there are plenty of
fine med students out there that are much more qualified to be doctors then I
am. I don't think the medical community
is missing out on anything other then maybe a few malpractice lawsuits."
"That's
why you messed up." He was more
serious now she could easily tell. His
facial expression had totally changed.
"What?"
"That's
why you messed up as a med student. Because you let yourself be too nervous. You just got to learn to relax while not relaxing too much."
"Oh, yeah,
that's possible." She spoke
sarcastically as their food arrived.
"It is and
you'll understand once you go back." Abby decided not to comment on the fact that she hadn't decided to go
back yet. Instead she paid attention to
the food that was being served them. A
good time to change the subject. Or to
just eat and not have to talk to him anymore about anything.
Her thoughts
seemed to have been his as their meal went over in complete silence. The bliss didn't last nearly long enough
though.
"Abby
about earlier today-" She cut him off before he could go anywhere else
with this.
"John I
really should be going. It's
late." She stood up and reached
for her jacket.
"Abby
please can't we at least talk about this?"
"About
what?" She looked into his
eyes. They were sad and somewhat
pleading. "John I'm seeing
Luka. You know that."
"Do you
love him?" The very question Abby
had been asking herself before his arrive at the restaurant. She sat back down.
"Yeah, I
think I do."
"Does he
love you?" Abby was sure the
answer to that was no. She had always
been sure of that. In fact she'd
promised herself from the beginning that she wouldn't get too close to
him. Cause if she did it would only
cause her pain because Luka would never love her back.
"I don't
know. But as long as I can keep living
in this fantasy world with him and thinking that maybe he does then I'm going
to." A tear slipped down her cheek
and Carter reached across the table and gently wiped it away.
"Even if
it means only more pain in the end. And
even now." She looked into his
eyes and the kindness there made her want nothing more then to open up to him. To tell him everything. To cry on his shoulder. To ask him for help. To take his help.
"I don't
know what to do." More tears were
falling now and she lowered her head desperately trying to wipe them away. She didn't want to gain anybody's attention. Carter seemed to read her mind, as he
sometimes did.
"Let me
take you home. We can talk." He reached out again and gently raised her
chin so that she was forced to look into his eyes. "Okay?" His
voice was gentle and very kind. He was
being everything she needed right now.
"Can we go
to your place?" His expression
made her jump forward and quickly explain herself. "I told Luka that I needed to be alone tonight to think but
just in case he still went to my place, or goes there later, I don't want him
getting the wrong idea." Carter
nodded. And so the two of them left Doc
Magoos and headed for his place.
- - - - - - - -
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't
have to pretend
- - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -
Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I have never been there for you
don't tell me why
nothing is good enough
- - - - - - - -
Abby sat on the couch beside Carter trying to
figure out why she'd come here. She
really shouldn't have. She should be at
home or with Luka. Being here just felt
wrong somehow. Like she was betraying
him by simply sitting on this couch. She also felt that by having come her she was leading Carter on. Making him think that they might very well
have something she knew they'd never have.
"John."
"Abby." They both began at the same time. Abby looked over at Carter and the two
laughed. After only a few seconds had
passed his expression changed back to being serious.
"Why do you love him
Abby?" His question threw her
off. She hadn't expected it or anything
similar to it. Carter never wanted to talk about Luka but he especially had
never wanted to talk about her feelings for him. Why was he suddenly asking her all these questions?
"Why does anybody love
anybody?" It was the only thing
she could come up with. And it made
perfect sense to her cause she really didn't know why. She struggled to see how anybody could ever
truly understand why they were in love.
"I just don't get it. You have these feelings for him but you have
no feelings for me. Yet I am the one
you come to whenever you need to talk. Do you even talk to him at all?" His words had been on the very verge of anger. John stood up and walked over to stand beside a window in the
room. He was still facing Abby, looking
at her questioningly. Demanding an
answer.
"I never said I don't have
feelings for you John." Abby
protested. After all that was true, she
had neither confirmed nor denied any feelings towards him whatsoever.
"So do you?" His voice was still heated.
"Do I what?"
"Don't play dumb Abby. Do you have feelings for me?" Abby looked down at her hands. She didn't know how to explain how she felt
about him. She wasn't sure
herself. She knew she wasn't in love
with Carter. She loved him but it just
wasn't that kind of love. Should she
tell him that?
"I don't really know John. I don't know for sure how I feel about
either you or Luka."
"It's funny how that
works. You don't know how you feel
about either of us yet it is still him you continue to date. Despite the fact that he's never been there
for you. He's never helped you when you
need him. It's always me that you go to
because he's too much of a jerk to listen to you." Every last word had come as a great surprise
to Abby. Carter really was angry. She didn't blame him. Still the way he'd just talked about Luka
made her angry. Luka wasn't like that,
he didn't just ignore Abby's feelings.
"You're not such a God sent
yourself Carter. There have been times
that you haven't been around. There
have been times that I couldn't talk to you." Carter jumped right back in.
"Name one." She looked at him surprised. "Abby, name one time that I have not
been around when you needed to talk. And then name one time that he has been." Abby couldn't. There was no
such time. Carter had always been
there. Luka had never been there.
- - - - - - - -
it's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground
who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone
and I don't understand
you deserve so much more then this
- - - - - - - -
Abby found herself trembling as
tears fell from her eyes. She felt
Carter's arms wrap around her tightly and gratefully leaned into his embrace.
"You're right. He doesn't love me. How could he? He's never even been around when I needed him."
"Abby just because he might not
be in love with you doesn't mean he doesn't care." His words were soothing. Abby knew that's all they were meant to
be. Carter knew that Luka meant a lot
to her and so he was simply trying to assure her that she didn't necessarily
mean nothing to him. "Maybe you
two are just better suited as friends. Maybe Luka's just not ready for a relationship." Abby thought about this for a few moments
before replying.
"Maybe your right but I really
shouldn't blame him for all of this either. I've never really been around for him. And he's been through so much in his life that I'm sure he just doesn't
want to be bombarded with my messed up life as well as his own. I don't really blame him for not being
around. How can he know that I need him
if I don't tell him? And I never tell
him anything. I just-"
"Abby," Carter interrupted
her and she lifted her head from its resting place on his chest.
"What?" Their eyes locked and she saw many emotions
staring right back at her.
"Don't. Don't make excuses for him because I don't
want to hear them. If you make excuses
for him then it means that you forgive him. He doesn't treat you right Abby and you got to know that. Your deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will love you.
"It gets so lonely waiting for that
someone. And I know I love him. I really do know it. I'm happy with him for the most part. The only parts I'm not happy with I
can-"
"Go to me for." Abby was stunned. She wasn't going to say that but it was exactly the truth. It's exactly what she'd been doing all this
time. What her relationship with Luka
lacked she made up with by going to Carter. Neither one of them deserved that. Not her, not Luka, and certainly not Carter.
"If it's love you are looking
for Abby. Then you've found
it." A tear slipped down her
check. She was about to back out of his
arms. She didn't like where this was
going. It was too late. He was leaning in closer. "I love you." His lips met hers.
- - - - - - - -
So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you
don't tell me why
he's never been there for you
don't you know that why
is simply not good enough
- - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Somehow they had made it into Carter's bedroom. Still both holding each other and kissing
passionately. Abby had considered the
excuse that she was just being swept away in the moment. That the emotions were all too much and
clouding her judgment. Truth was she
knew exactly what she was doing and what she was about to do.
The emotions were indeed too
much. She knew Luka would never love
her. She also knew that Carter did love
her. She had a chance with Carter. A chance to be happy. To be with somebody that would love
her. Somebody that would always love
her no matter her faults. And right now
she really needed that. So while she
knew this was still the wrong thing to do she desperately needed the release
that it would bring. The escape.
She felt Carter lower her to the bed
and made no attempts to stop him... either then or later.
- - - - - - - -
so just let me try
and I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
You're so much more then good
enough...
- - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
End of
Chapter 5
Disclaimer: The above was a story of fiction based on characters
created and owned by Michael Crichton and
NBC.
Disclaimer Two: The lyric excerpts where taken from the song "Good Enough"
by Sarah McLachlan. Please note that
the entire song was not used above.