Angel: Blood and Roses
Angel. Was there ever anyone with a more inappropriate name? I've always considered his use of the name an affectation, a way of distinguishing between the ensouled and the soul-less. Angel and Angelus; Good and Evil; Love and Hate; Hope and Despair. Two sides of what is, inevitably, the same coin. I no longer think of Angel and Angelus as two separate entities but more as dual aspects of the same person. Person? No, not person … vampire. At the end of the day, when you strip away all the layers, you are left with the inescapable truth: Angel is a vampire. He is undead, one of those we are sworn to destroy and yet, for a time, I considered him both a friend and an ally.
I should have listened to Xander. He never made any secret of his dislike and distrust of Angel but he tolerated his presence for Buffy's sake. After my initial suspicion and hesitation, I accepted Angel. I discovered that Angel and I had something in common. Neither of us would hesitate to give our lives to protect Buffy. Actually, I don't think that's entirely true: Angel was already dead – he didn't have a life to give. Well, putting aside technicalities, Angel helped us in our struggle, put himself at risk and even saved our lives. Looking back though, did I accept Angel for himself, purely on his own merit? Or did I accept him merely because Buffy loved him and I couldn't bring myself to believe that someone like Buffy could give her love to a … monster? It was love that brought him to us and love that almost destroyed us. Whatever kind of love Angel is capable of, I do believe he loved … loves Buffy. It's a tragic love, though, a love that was doomed from the start. Angel is darkness whereas Buffy is light. If they continue along this path, then I fear that darkness will extinguish light. I cannot let that happen. Angel has already destroyed so much … I will not allow him to destroy Buffy as well.
It all seemed so innocent … so natural at first. There was trust and acceptance, a close-knit team was forming, merging and gelling together. We were beginning to understand one another's strengths and weaknesses and constructing well-defined research, training and patrol patterns. We had researched Angelus of course. We were all aware of his past atrocities which was the reason why he had eventually been "cursed" with a soul. Details of the exact nature of the curse however, were practically non-existent. This didn't trouble me unduly. There was one who should have had intimate knowledge of the curse, who would know every nuance, every detail and that was, of course, Angel himself. I didn't question him about it because I thought it best for the past to remain in the past. I trusted that Angel would never put himself in a position where there was any possibility of Angelus emerging. My trust was misplaced. At the time, I never realised just how weak and utterly irresponsible Angel was … and still is.
Blame for Angel losing his soul, for Angelus, has been laid at the doorsteps of a number of people and two of those who suffered the most seemed to bear the brunt of the blame and guilt. Buffy blamed herself, blamed herself for expressing her love for Angel in the most natural and … human way. There is no guilt or shame in what she did but she suffered terribly. Another person not only blamed herself but had to cope with being blamed by others as well. Jenny … my Jenny … even if she had been more forthcoming about why she was here, would it have made any real difference? She didn't know what would happen, she didn't deserve the blame that was piled onto her … by me probably more than anyone else. No, there is only one who deserves the blame for all the pain and horror that was unleashed and that is Angel. He should have researched his curse, he should have known that "a moment of true happiness" would result in him losing his soul and Angelus emerging. There is one question I want answered. I want to know why … why he never researched his curse? Why did he never bother to find out? It is a question that I will never ask though, because Angel and I will never be able to regain even a fraction of the trust and friendship that has been lost.
Angelus' reign of terror took its toll on all of us but he reserved most of his venom for Buffy. She coped admirably, not letting it overcome her and even helped Jenny and I take our first tentative steps back towards the close relationship we'd previously formed. Things seemed to be looking up. Jenny had revealed her feelings for me and the joy I felt when she admitted she'd fallen in love with me is completely indescribable. To my eternal shame and regret I never did tell Jenny that I loved her, never told her how she brought light into the darkest recesses of my life. I never really had the chance, you see. Angelus had decided upon a more direct way of hurting us.
I will never forget that night … it's burned into my memory. Every detail is as fresh as though it happened only yesterday. The dimmed lights, the champagne, the music and the scent of the roses all mixed with my feelings of joy and a sense of breathless anticipation as I walked up the stairs. Seeing Jenny lying on the bed … it took a few seconds before I realised that something was wrong. The unnatural stillness, her eyes: open and gazing blankly at nothing … it's the first memory that comes to mind whenever I hear her name. The Police were remarkably sympathetic. I thought that I would be the main suspect but, after answering a few questions, they let me go. By this time, the anger I felt towards Angelus was overwhelming. He had killed the woman I loved and, not content with leaving it there, he had set up a romantic evening at my home, making the discovery of her murder even more shocking and horrific. I went after Angelus with a ferocity I hadn't felt in a long time. Suddenly, nothing seemed important anymore: my friends, my destiny, my duties towards my Slayer and even my own life. It all paled alongside the realisation that Angelus had to pay for what he did and if it cost me my life then so be it. Angelus was too strong for me, of course. I knew he would be but I caused him a lot of pain before he finally got the upper hand. As the warehouse burned around me, Buffy pulled me out. As I recall, I wasn't particularly pleased with her involvement. She punched me. It was the best thing she could have done because it finally released all the pain that I had held bottled up inside me. We were kneeling on the ground, holding each other as we both sobbed. We both lost so much that night. I lost Jenny and Buffy realised that she had finally lost Angel.
The name of Angel or Angelus, the very continuation of his existence, was anathema to me after that. I felt physically sick when either name was mentioned although I tried to hide my reaction from the others. I don't think that I was entirely successful. Emotionally, I was in pieces. Within the space of a few seconds I would veer from anger and hatred directed at Angelus, the intensity of which could be frightening at times, to almost unbearable grief and despair at losing Jenny. Unfortunately, there wasn't much time to grieve, no time for any of us to really come to terms with what had happened, before Angelus went on the offensive once more.
Angelus wanted to raise the demon Acathla. This would open a vortex that would suck our world into a demon dimension where humanity would suffer an eternity of torment. At first, we were entirely unaware of his plans. We were too busy struggling with a discovery of our own. Buffy and Willow had found a computer disk detailing a way of restoring Angel's soul. This was what Jenny had been working on when Angelus had killed her. I was torn between two viewpoints. The logical, rational part of me wanted to respect Jenny's wish and attempt to restore Angel's soul whereas my dark side, the "Ripper" in me I suppose you could say, wanted nothing more than to destroy him utterly. Ultimately, though, it was not my decision to make. Would Buffy have made the same decision if circumstances had been different? I don't know but, once we had discovered that Angelus wanted to raise Acathla, there was only one decision that could be made. It was decided to attempt the restoration, as, once Angel had his soul again, he would no longer be interested in Acathla. There was so much at stake … I had to agree with this decision. Buffy went to distract Angelus whilst Willow and rest of us attempted the spell. We didn't complete it as the library was attacked by vampires. The last thing I remembered was fighting desperately … then blackness.
His voice was the first thing I heard as I regained consciousness. His face was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. He needed information from me, information about Acathla but … more than that; he needed to torture me. If I had given him what he needed without hesitation he would still have tortured me. Angelus enjoyed torture, he enjoyed inflicting pain. A lot of what he did to me I am still unable to remember but I can recall enough. I do remember Angelus breaking my fingers one by one, looking deep into my eyes as he did so, savouring the pain I was unable to hide. I could not give in, I simply could not even entertain the possibility of telling Angelus what he needed to know but I knew that the time would come when the pain would be too much to bear. As Angelus broke my fingers I made a decision. I decided that when I reached my limit, when I could take no more, I would do everything I could to anger Angelus. When Angelus gets angry he loses control and I hoped that, by taunting and tormenting him, he would go too far and kill me before I gave him the information he needed. When I saw Jenny standing in front of me I thought I had succeeded, I thought that I was dying, but then I wondered whether her spirit had returned to give me the strength to live through the pain and torture. I was in pain, I was tired and I was confused but seeing Jenny smiling down at me, feeling her touch me, seemed to cut through the confusion in my mind. I remember trying to warn her about Angelus but she simply smiled and when she asked me about the ritual, about what I was hiding from Angelus, I told her. I thought that she had a right to know and … in a way, I think I wanted to show her that I still trusted her. She smiled, gently touched my face and then kissed me. I could have lost myself in that kiss, I wanted to but then she pulled back and I opened my eyes to see, not Jenny, but Druscilla. No words can adequately describe the intense pain and revulsion I felt at that time. In many ways, it was far worse than any of the physical pain I had suffered. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself for my weakness, for falling for such a cheap and despicable trick. I had given Angelus precisely what he needed in order to complete the ritual; I had betrayed everything I ever believed in. There was nothing I could do – I was tied up and I was so weak I couldn't even stand without assistance – so I retreated into myself, tried to cope with the mental and physical pain as best I could. I have no idea how long I remained like that, locked inside my mind, drifting almost aimlessly, before Xander's voice penetrated the fog and haze within me. At first, I didn't believe it was him, I thought it was another trick of Druscilla's, but he untied me and practically carried me out. Xander told me about Willow trying the restoration spell again and Buffy trying to stop Angelus so, as soon as I felt able, I discharged myself from hospital and Xander and I returned to the Mansion. Acathla was dormant but there was no sign of either Buffy or Angelus. At school, Willow postulated that the spell had worked and that Buffy and Angel were together somewhere but I leaned more towards Xander's view. Buffy having to kill Angelus would be reason enough for her disappearance.
With Buffy gone it fell upon the others to patrol, to take over the duties of the Slayer. I wasn't fit enough to accompany them but I was healing, albeit slowly. I spent most of my time searching for Buffy, chasing leads all over the Country and certainly not resting as the Doctors insisted I should. I couldn't rest, couldn't even have a decent night's sleep without his face haunting my dreams. Every time I felt a stab of pain as I bent my fingers, every time I saw the scars on my body, I thought of him, saw him gloating and enjoying my pain. None of us knew for sure what had happened to Angel and the uncertainty became almost unbearable at times. Any changes in the "normal" vampire population, any aberration, no matter how small, suddenly became grounds for intense speculation as to whether Angelus had returned in some way. It was impossible to move on, impossible for any of us to even consider closing that chapter of our lives.
Slowly, as time passed, I thought less of Angel and more of Buffy. Concern for her took over my every waking moment. Upon her return, we discovered the truth about what had happened in the Mansion. The restoration spell had worked, Angel's soul had been returned but it was too late. The vortex had already opened. Buffy had to "kill" Angel, send him to hell, in order to close the vortex. God, how I wish she had been spared that. It would have been easier for her if the spell hadn't worked, if she had to kill Angelus instead. It was not to be, however, but I must admit to a feeling of intense satisfaction when I learned of Angel's fate. To spend an eternity in hell seemed an apt punishment for what he had done. Finally, I thought, it was over. We could come to terms with the tragic events, heal and move on. How could I have been so wrong? With hindsight, there were small signs in Buffy's attitude and behaviour but I put it down to her trying to come to terms with what had happened. The real reason never occurred to me.
It was while we were searching for the Glove of Mhyneghon that the truth finally emerged. Xander discovered Buffy's "secret" purely by accident and, when he told me, it felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. For a few seconds, I could barely breathe, barely think clearly. Angel was back. He had somehow returned from hell and Buffy was sheltering him, helping him. It took almost every scrap of willpower I had, every piece of self-control, to stop myself from rushing out and tearing him apart with my bare hands. Xander and I decided to inform the others and confront Buffy the next day. I didn't sleep at all that night. Wounds that I thought were closed, that I thought were safely ensconced in the past, had been viscously ripped open, allowing the pain and horror to emerge once more. Was Angel the only thing that mattered to Buffy? Did the past count for nothing? Was Jenny's death irrelevant? The questions pounded at me all night and I remember entering the library the next day with a heavy heart and an intense feeling of dread and foreboding.
The confrontation with Buffy was every bit as unpleasant as I had anticipated. I deliberately allowed myself to fade into the background, letting her friends have their say and waiting to hear Buffy's explanation for her actions. I don't think the others were unpleasant, in fact, under the circumstances, I thought they showed remarkable restraint … except maybe for Xander, who has never been one for hiding his feelings. Buffy couldn't really defend herself but, looking into her eyes, I could understand why she had done it. Love is not something you can switch on and off at will and when Angel appeared, alone and confused, Buffy saw someone she loved who was in trouble and needed help. This didn't excuse her actions but, before the accusations could go too far, I stopped them and sent everyone out of the library. As I walked to my office, I was aware of Buffy following me. I wondered what she was going to say to me. The relationship between Watcher and Slayer is built on trust and respect, it is entirely dependent upon these two things and, at that time, it seemed that we had lost both. Buffy stood at the door of my office and tried to defend Angel. I couldn't really believe what I was hearing. Buffy seemed to think that Angel finding the Glove of Mhynegon was reason enough to forgive and forget. Was I too hard on her? I don't think so. I made sure she understood how I felt, that how, after everything Angel had done; she should have told me he was back. I found it difficult to believe that, after all we had been through together, she didn't trust or respect me enough to tell me. I turned away from her and she left without saying another word.
The whole Angel situation was really one of trust. I certainly didn't trust Angel but, even after everything that had happened, I did trust Buffy. She assured me that she wouldn't do anything rash, that they were just friends and I really had no choice other than to accept her word. I was still uncomfortable hearing his name, hearing anything about him and Buffy seemed to realise that. She took care not to mention too much about him in my presence. I didn't want to see him, didn't want to talk to him but recently I didn't have a choice. When I opened my door to see Angel standing there, it quite simply took my breath away for a few seconds. Why was he there? Did he come to apologise, to try and make things right between us? No, he didn't. He actually wanted me to help him. After everything he had done, there was no apology, no remorse for murdering Jenny or torturing me. He even seemed surprised when I levelled a crossbow at him before inviting him inside. Did he think I would trust him for even a split second? He told me he was having dreams about his past, reliving it. He was obviously shaken by these experiences but I didn't really care. He needed to know why he was back on Earth, why he had been released from the demon dimension. When he remarked that he should have been suffering an eternity of torment, I agreed with alacrity. My finger had been twitching on the crossbow trigger and I had been trying to ignore the voice inside me that was telling me to turn Angel to dust there and then. Whatever was happening to him was certainly affecting him and he was suffering – if I killed him it would end that suffering and I wasn't prepared to do that. I didn't think he deserved any peace of mind. At that point, Angel claimed to see someone, although he wouldn't tell me who it was, and ran out. I dropped the crossbow with a sense of relief and disappointment. I was relieved at his suffering but disappointed at his complete lack of remorse. I don't know why I expected anything different.
I was concerned about what was happening to Angel. I was worried that this might cause Angelus to return and I didn't think any of us were ready for that eventuality. I was pondering this, mulling it over in my mind when Buffy entered my office. She told me that she was experiencing Angel's dreams and that she wanted me to help him. Before I could respond she said she wanted to put all this behind her and move on but, whilst these dreams continued, she was unable to do that. For Buffy's sake, I agreed to help Angel. I kept that thought at the forefront of my mind as we researched. It was like a mantra: I'm not helping Angel, I'm helping Buffy. Things were getting steadily worse, however and, to use one of Buffy's expressions, Angel was "losing it". I warned her that if Angel truly became a danger she would have to kill him … again. Whether she was prepared for that, I don't know but I had to trust that she would know what to do if the time came. Our research paid off and we discovered that something called the First Evil was responsible. Buffy had to find the Bringers. It was the only way to save Angel. When she left I paced for what seemed like hours. I didn't want Angel to stay but I didn't want Angelus to return either. It was out of my hands. I had no control over what would happen. A few minutes ago, I looked out of my window to see snow falling outside. Snow … in California. I realise that it can mean only one thing: Buffy has saved Angel.
The ramifications of this will continue for some time. Angel will be a part of Buffy's life and I have to respect that. For Buffy's sake, I will work with Angel if I have to but I will not trust him, I will not respect him and I simply cannot forgive what Angelus did. To the best of my belief Angel has never visited Jenny's grave, never paid his respects to the woman he brutally murdered. To be honest, I don't know how I would react if I ever saw him there. He has never apologised for his actions, never shown the slightest remorse. Trust and respect are things that have to be earned and, whilst Buffy will always have my never-ending trust and my complete and total respect, Angel will have neither. Angel is weak, irresponsible and self-centred. No matter what happens in the future, however helpful he is, however necessary he becomes, whenever I look at Angel I will always see blood … because that's what Angel is. Angel is blood … blood and roses.