When we last left our heroes, who had recently been reunited with their digimon companions, Tai had been reduced to an even more brainless state than usual by Izzy's Jingle-B-Gone machine in an attempt to rid him of a Spice Girls song wandering through his head; Matt was in serious danger of losing all sensation from the shoulders down due to Tai's sudden attachment of himself to the blonde boy; Mimi was offended that she was getting the blame for Tai's benumbed state, as she had flipped the switch on the Jingle-B-Gone; and Izzy was trying to figure out a way to remedy the situation.
Izzy crouched beside the smouldering contraption, cupping his chin in his palm thoughtfully. "Theoretically speaking, if my invention caused Tai's predicament, it should also be able to undo it and restore him back to normal."
"Whatever 'normal' was," Tentomon commented, hovering nearby.
"Didn't you install a 'reverse' switch on this thing?" Palmon asked, peering at the device.
Izzy frowned at her rather irritably. "Unfortunately, that concept didn't occur to me when I was designing the machine."
"Maybe you should make a note of it for next time," Gabumon suggested helpfully.
Agumon wandered up to where Tai was still clinging, apparently asleep, to Matt. "What if we just hit him on the head a couple of times?"
"Whatever it takes," Matt ground out through clenched teeth. "Just get. Him. *Off* me."
Mimi whirled on them all suddenly. "You all think this is my fault, don't you?" she cried tearfully, sounding wounded to the very depths of her soul. "I suppose you're going to blame global warming on me now, aren't you?"
Izzy contintued to mull over his technical problem. "Maybe if I rearrange the wiring at these two junctions and stick in some more fuses..."
"If you're going to hit him on the head," Kari said to Agumon worriedly, "just try not to aim for his brain stem, all right?"
"Or maybe the answer lies in a complete reversal of the internal operating systems," Izzy muttered to himself.
TK pointed upwards in alarm. "Hey, Myotismon's back!" he cried, running to hide behind Matt's leg.
Indeed, Myotismon had reappeared on the giant overhead viewscreen, with DemiDevimon fiddling with something in the background. "Greetings, invertebrates," he smirked. "Are you prepared to be awed by *my* half of the invention exchange, or shall I give you a few more minutes to ready yourselves for my revelation of genius?"
"We've had more than enough of you revealing yourself, thanks," Sora responded dryly.
Myotismon scowled hideously, baring his fangs. "I'll ignore that remark, child," he snarled icily. "Now behold my power! DemiDevimon!"
On command, the lesser digimon pushed forward a massive wheeled table covered in electrical parts and masses of wiring. In the centre of the table was a switch and a single, tiny bit of wire shielded by a delicate glass orb. Mytosimon turned his attention to the device, grinning madly.
"This, Digi-Destined," he announced, "is a creation of nigh-magical power the likes of which this realm has never seen before. It shall revolutionise the digital world and mark the dawning of a new era in which I reign supreme!" With gleeful flourish, he flipped the switch, causing the gadgetry to hum to life. Slowly, the wire-and-glass contraption began to flicker, finally glowing with soft white light.
"I call it," Myotismon told them, pausing dramatically, "the LIGHT BULB!"
The children and digimon (with the exception of Tai, who was completely unaware of what was going on) stared at the vampire, looking decidedly underwhelmed. Noticing this, Myotismon scowled at them again.
"Why are you not tripping over yourselves in awe of my mental might?" he demanded, shaking a furious fist at the group. "Have you any idea of the incredible power I have harnessed in this tiny sphere of fragile glass?"
"Maybe not a *precise* idea," Sora answered, "but yeah, we've all got a rough idea of what's involved in the, ahem, 'magical' processes of a light bulb."
"Everybody on Earth has a light bulb," Matt replied, attempting to shrug with Tai's arms still wrapped tightly around his upper half. "Some people have, like, two or three."
Joe retrieved his massive blue duffel bag from some unobtrusive corner of the room and began digging through it. "I've even got one in here, somewhere," he volunteered, and the others - Myotismon included - watched with some interest as he began tossing various items out of the bag.
"Toilet paper...bath towel...bottle of aspirin...aha! I knew I'd brought this with me!" he said triumphantly, pulling out a large, ornate lamp with a gaudy shade. Turning the knob located near the base of the socket into which the light bulb was inserted, Joe lit up the surrounding area with hazy, orange-tinted light.
Myotismon stared at them, fuming and yet surprisingly calm. "I see."
"You brought a *lamp* with you?" Izzy asked incredulously. "What else have you got in there?"
Joe dropped his gaze, suddenly secretive. "Stuff."
"Like what?" Mimi, once again moving with deceptive speed and agility, darted forward to seize hold of Joe's bag and started looking over its contents, despite Joe's protests and frantic attempts to take it back. "Aerosol cheese? Ew. A book...'Or-i-gin of Spe-cies'? What's that? One of those free AOL CD thingies..."
Sora joined her, widening her eyes in surprise. "A bottle of Scotch? Joe, where did you get *this*? And why?"
"It's an effective analgesic!" Joe said defensively.
"...a crescent wrench, an abacus, a Scrabble game, jumper cables, Action Comics #583, an entire video library of Ken Burns' 'The Civil War'," Sora continued, her expression growing ever more bewildered. "Joe, what *possible* use..."
"Enough! Enough of this tomfoolery! I demand respect and admiration, puny mortals!" Myotismon bellowed, furious that the children were no longer paying attention to his invention.
Izzy came to join them, peering into the seemingly bottomless depths of Joe's bag. "You know," he said thoughtfully, some of this stuff might be useful in the reconfiguration of my machine. Joe, would you mind...?"
The older boy shrugged. "Sure, why not. Now that everyone's pawed through my personal belongings anyway," he added somewhat sulkily.
Izzy glanced up at Sora. "Between you and me, we should be able to remedy Tai's situation." He looked somewhat apologetically at Myotismon. "This is probably going to take a while. I think Tai and Sora and I should stay here and try to figure things out while you torture the others in the theatre."
"Oh, that's mighty generous of you," Matt growled. "And by the way, could one of you possibly be troubled to *do* something about this guy?"
Kari approached them with Joe's can of aerosol cheese. "Hey, Tai!" she called brightly. "Look what I've got!"
Tai popped open one brown eye. "Cheese!" he cried gleefully.
Kari nodded, "Yup, and it's cheddar. You can have it if you let go of Matt."
No sooner had the words left her mouth than Tai had released his friend and snatched the can from Kari, preoccupying himself with the daunting task of prying off the plastic cap. Matt staggered back, a look of relief flitting across his features before being replaced with an expression of horror.
"My arms don't work!" he yowled, sounding close to panic.
Joe clapped a hand on his shoulder. "We've got bigger things to worry about. Looks like you, Mimi, TK and I just got picked for torture detail," he told the blonde-haired lad before switching his gaze up to the viewscreen. "Um, right?"
Myotismon waved a hand at them carelessly, having ceased his seething and now moved on to pouting. "Fine, go on, I don't care," he sniffed. "Have fun with your torture. You clearly don't need *my* contributions any longer."
DemiDevimon flapped closer, looking uncertain. "You want I should hit The Button, boss?"
The dark one shrugged. "Sure, whatever. I'm going to my chambers." He wandered off, muttering something about "Beaches" and triple-chocolate-chunk ice cream.
The bat-winged digimon exchanged a puzzled glance and a shrug with the Digi-Destined, then grinned evilly. "Well, if the boss can't enjoy your pain and suffering, then I will! Mwahahahaha!" Maliciously he pushed the gleaming button, causing havoc to break out in the chamber once again.
"Oh, great, we've got FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!" Matt yelled, as he, Joe, TK, Mimi and their respective digimon rushed towards the theatre door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(The kids and digimon file into the theatre and take their seats as follows, from left to right: Palmon, Mimi, Patamon, TK, Gabumon, Matt, Joe and Gomamon.)
Matt: Geez, am I glad that's over. It'll be a miracle if I ever regain full feeling in my arms again.
Mimi: And I guess that's my fault too, isn't it?!
Joe: Well, maybe indirectly.
TK: C'mon, we can't beat this story if we're all mad at each other! Be nice!
Digimon: The Tsunonrimon Saga-Part Four: United They Stand
Matt: Divided they suffer a painful, horrific death.
Chapter One
T.K. looked up at Tsunonrimon from besides Kari, defiance in his eyes. "You hurt her..." he turned his gaze to his former partner, and the defiance was gone, yet replaced by a wistful sadness. "And you helped her do it."
Gomamon: That makes you an accomplice! You'll be facing twenty-five to thirty in the Big House, pretty boy!
Joe: Unless he gets Dylan McDermott to represent him.
He remained unmoving for a brief eternity.
Mimi: Is that an oxymoron, or just a weird literary device?
Matt: Yes.
"Enough!" shouted Tsunonrimon. "You try my patience, child!"
Gabumon: I'd be glad to. Would you care to try some of mine?
Gomamon: Yuk yuk yuk!
Abruptly, she stood up straight, as if listening to a distant voice.
Matt: The call of the wild.
Palmon: Or maybe the call of nature.
A smile gradually grew on her face. "They are here!" she whispered.
Patamon: (as girl from "Poltergeist") They're heeeeee-eeeeere!
"Come, Angemon, Angewomon! Let us show the Digidestined
Matt: (Tsunonrimon) " - my collection of Barbra Streisand albums!"
the wrath of Darkness!" The three walked out of the stone doorway, which sparkled briefly after they had left, and disappeared.
Palmon: Sparkle sparkle sparkle.
T.K. got up and started to run towards the door. As he crossed the threshold, however, the doorway flashed and he was thrown backwards.
Joe: D'oh! She's been setting wards!
He cried in agony. "T.K.!" cried Kari. Weakly, she pulled herself up from the floor and went over to the other Digidestined. As she knelt down at the unconscious T.K.'s side, waves of nausea overtook her system,
TK: Eew! Yuck! Not on me!
and she was plunged into a deep sleep. The two lay on the cold stone floor, unmoving.
Matt: They were wasted.
"Flower Cannon!" Lillymon took out several of the numerous attackers with verdant
Joe: Ooooh! Thesaurus word! (to Gomamon) Where's my list?
Gomamon: Here ya go. (He hands Joe the much-scribbled-in notebook.)
Joe: (looking through notebook) Gah! Your handwriting is horrible! What did you do, write upside down and blindfolded?
Gomamon: I can't help that I'm a lefty.
blasts from her weapon, but they were replaced by even more.
TK: Like those brooms in "Fantasia"? Creepy.
Joe: (still ranting over his notebook) What word is this? "Karapis"?
She cried out in pain as one of them sank its teeth into her shoulder.
Matt: Lillymon - the other white meat.
Joe: (still ranting) You wrote down "dog" as a thesaurus word?!
Gomamon: Well, at least you can tell what I wrote.
This momentary lapse allowed even more of the swarm to get in.
A roaring battle cry
TK: Meow!
Patamon: (at same time) Squeak!
Matt: (at same time) Cheep! Cheep!
Palmon: (at same time) Baaaaaaaa!
caused them to pause from tearing Lillymon apart. The Digimon barely had time to feel surprised before an angry WarGreymon ripped them all to shreds using his powerful claws.
Patamon: Whee! Confetti!
Lillymon looked at WarGreymon. "Thanks for the help."
"Don't mention it!" growled the Mega Digimon.
Joe: (WarGreymon) "Really. I've got a reputation to keep up."
"Black Magic!"
Matt: (singing) She's a black magic -
Gabumon: Don't. It's been done.
WarGreymon was suddenly thrown forward in a burst of energy as dark as night. Lillymon turned around to see the Dark Trio of Angemon, Angewomon, and Tsunonrimon
Palmon: They're now officially a group. They've got their own name and everything.
floating right above the main tower of the palace.
Matt, still clinging on to Dragomon's back, narrowed his eyes. "You..." he hissed. "What have you done with T.K.!"
Joe: (Alex Trebek) Oooooh! I'm sorry, but you forgot to state that in the form of a question. How much did you wager?
Tsunonrimon looked at Matt as if he were a speck of dust.
Patamon: (Tsunonrimon) "Oh, the filth! Where's my Pledge?"
"Now, now," she chided. "You mustn't be so rude when talking to your elders, boy." The Dark Queen floated forwards. Angemon and Angewomon started to follow, but Tsunonrimon halted them.
Matt: Staaaaayyy...stay! Good angels.
"You wait here."
Tsunonrimon levitated over to Dragomon nonchalantly.
Joe: (scribbles)
Everyone eyed her cautiously, but no one wanted to do something that might ignite a full-scale battle.
Gabumon: Unfortunately, with tensions running high, somebody sneezed and unwittingly set off one of the bloodiest conflicts in digital history.
"If you are so impatient to know where your little companions are," she began. "They are in the castle's keep.
Mimi: The what now?
Patamon: It's like an overhead storage bin on a bus, isn't it?
Joe: Not...really.
Patamon: Oh. Well it should be!
However, I warn you, you will not be able to defeat us. It would be the wisest decision to simply leave. They are mine, and no one shall take them from me.
Matt: (Tsunonrimon, childish) "Mine! Mine! Mine!"
If you turn around now, I shall
Joe: (Tsunonrimon) " - stick one of those signs on your back that says 'Kick Me'."
let you go."
"Yeah, right!" scoffed Jake.
All: (Jake) Shyeah! As if, dude!
"We came here to get T.K. and Kari back, and there's no way in Hell that you'll get us to give up on them!"
Gomamon: (Jake) "Unless, of course, you kill us. Or give us candy."
Tsunonrimon shrugged. "We gave you a chance..." She raised her hands high above her head. "Unholy Slash!"
Gabumon: To hear some people tell it, that's the *only* kind of slash.
A crescent of midnight started to take shape in her fists. She brought it down suddenly, and it extended in a slice to Dragomon's chest.
Dragomon roared in pain and started to thrash wildly.
Matt: Dude! Mosh pit!
The four Digidestined tried to hold on, but it was no use. It was a very long drop to the forest floor below.
Chapter Two
(Author's Note:
Patamon: C sharp?
Palmon: B flat.
Mimi: I thought these weren't supposed to come until the end...
This occurs while the rescue party {see pt 3} is going to Tsunonrimon, they haven't started fighting yet)
Gabumon: Be sure to write this down. There will be a test later.
"Sora." Sora closed her eyes even tighter, trying to drive away the voice that was waking her. "Sora?" Maybe if she pretended to still be asleep, they'd go away. "Sora!"
All: Sora? Sora! Hey, Sora! Sora! Sora, Sora, Sora, Sora, Sora!
With great reluctance, Sora opened her eyes and sat up.
Izzy looked at her.
Joe: (Izzy) "I just wanted to see if you were still asleep. Guess you were, so..."
"Good, you're awake. Let's go to find Tai, Matt, and the others!"
Sora blinked. "Izzy? What time is it?" She looked around, confused. It was still dark out.
Gabumon: It's about a quarter to sunrise, I'd wager.
"Five in the morning." Izzy replied.
Matt: Don't ask me how I know. I can just tell.
"Five?!" Sora looked at Izzy. "You woke us up at five in the morning! Izzy!"
TK: All the good cartoons don't start till seven! What a gyp!
Joe spoke up from where he was packing a bag, with Gomamon's assistance.
Joe: Of course, Gomamon's idea of "helping" is to take out everything as I put it in and stash it behind a rock.
Gomamon: C'mon, it makes the job more fun.
"He thinks that if we get going earlier, we'll be able to meet up with the group before they can get into any trouble. And you know there's going to be trouble."
Palmon: Well then, why bother?
"Well, I guess so...when you put it that way." Sora stood up and yawned. "Come on, Biyomon, time to get up."
All: Biyomon? Biyomon! Hey, Biyomon! Biyomon, Biyomon, Biyomon, Biyomon...
The party cleaned up the campsite
Matt: 'Cause leaving a mess would result in a hefty fine from the park officials.
and then started down the path where the first group had gone. They never noticed the figure following them. A figure that looked like a Minotaur and wore iron gauntlets on his hands.
TK: Mintotuar-With-Iron-GauntletsMon?
"Lunchtime!" yelled Gomamon happily.
Mimi: At random intervals, for no apparent reason.
Joe pulled some sandwiches out of his bag. "That's all?" Gomamon looked crestfallen.
Matt: (Gomamon) "C'mon, cough up the aerosol cheese! I know it's in there!"
Gabumon: Along with the book, the crescent wrench, the 'Civil War' library, the -
Joe: Let be the contents of my bag!
"Oh well, I suppose it will have to do."
The three Digimon and their partners all sat down to eat. Without warning, the air behind Joe started to waver and solidify.
Gomamon: (accusingly) Joe!
Joe: Ha-ha. Flatulence joke. Very funny.
The other five, seeing this, started to back away from Joe, mouths agape.
Mimi: (Joe) "Hey, whoever smelt it, dealt it!"
Joe: C'mon, cut it out!
"What? What's wrong? I don't have something in my teeth, do I?"
"No! It's...it's..."Sora pointed, but couldn't finish the sentence.
Joe: Let's all try to exhibit that kind of self-control for the time being, hmmmm?
TK: Aw, you're no fun.
"There's someone behind me, isn't there?" Joe turned and looked up at the Digimon. "AHHH!!! It's Invisomon!" Joe dove forward, barely missing getting smashed by a steel glove.
Gomamon dropped the half-eaten sandwich.
Gomamon: Pastrami! I hate pastrami!
"Joe! Gomamon digivolve to...IKKAKUMON!" The shaggy walrus glared at Invisomon.
Mimi: Guys just can't pull of the Look of Death. They always wind up looking kind of silly.
"Harpoon Torpedo!"
Three of the missiles streaked at the Minotaur.
Gabumon: The missiles had just graduated and felt like doing something irreverent and moronic.
"Demon Punch!"
Matt: How 'bout a nice Demon Punch?
TK: Sure!
The gauntlets started to glow a bright white. "HYAA!"
Palmon: Healthy Young Athletes of Antarctica!
Matt: Heave Your Apples Around!
Patamon: Huge Yummy Aardwolf Actors!
Invisomon brought his fist up and around, knocking the projectiles back at Ikkakumon, who was thrown backwards.
"Tentomon digivolve to...KABUTERIMON!"
"Biyomon digivolve to...BIRDRAMON!"
And the battle raged on.
Mimi: Battle-y stuff happened.
Chapter Three
The four Digidestined were falling, unable to do anything.
Joe: Except fall. And scream. And soil themselves.
Matt: You're speaking from experience, I take it.
Joe: Bite me!
Jake closed his eyes and waited for the end.
Matt: As do we all.
Gabumon: Be nice, now.
There were three clangs on metal below him all of a sudden.
Joe: Wouldn't they be more like 'splats', landing with that kind of velocity?
Then he landed on MetalGarurumon's back, too. As he gasped for air, he saw that MetalGarurumon had caught the four of them not thirty feet above the dense foliage of the forest floor. A second later and they would have been pasty-colored spots on the ground.
Gomamon: Pastry-colored spots?
Mimi: No, not quite.
Patamon: Now I'm hungry.
"Hurricane Beam!" Angemon swerved around Dragomon's attack.
Matt: Unfortunately, he wiped out and ran into a tree.
Mimi: His parents are gonna freak when they find out what he did to their car!
The beam, still continuing, struck the peak of the palace tower, ripping it clean off. In that room, Matt saw, were two very familiar figures lying side by side.
Patamon: His parents?
Mimi: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman?
Matt: George Michael and that other guy from "Wham!"
"MetalGarurumon!" He yelled, his voice hoarse.
Matt: You gotta admit, I do one heck of a Christopher Lambert impersonation.
"Up there! The tower!"
MetalGarurumon grunted an affirmative, and sprang higher into the air, landing right in the exposed room.
Joe: The room blushed crimson and hurried to cover itself.
"T.K.!" shouted Matt, running to his brother's side.
Gabumon: Oh, dear, I landed right on TK's head...
TK: That's okay. I know you didn't mean it.
"Kari!" Tai leaped off of MetalGarurumon's back and sprinted to his sister. He, ever so gently, picked her head up and put it in his lap.
Palmon: - leaving the rest of her body laying on the floor.
Others: Ick!
"Kari..." he saw the horrific bruise on her side. "Oh my god...what did they do to you?"
Matt: That game of 'Slug-Bug' got waaaaayy out of hand.
Matt looked at the electric burns on his brother's hands and face. "What happened here?"
Mimi and Jake bent over the two boys. "Are they...are they dead?" asked Mimi, worried.
"No, they're just badly hurt." Choked Tai. "Tsunonrimon will pay for this."
Joe: (Tai, grimly) "I hope she has Visa."
Matt: 'Cause the Digi-Destined will take a hearty beating - but we *won't* take American Express.
The Digidestined turned as a cackle came from behind them. "Oh, how touching." Tsunonrimon sneered. "The families will die together."
Mimi: Like Romeo and Juliet.
Matt: Only not.
She started to gather power. "Black..."
Matt: Black panther?
Joe: Black widow?
TK: Black labrador?
A pink blur
Mimi: Whoops, we changed colours all of a sudden.
TK: Hey, no fair!
suddenly dropped out of the sky, hitting Tsunonrimon in the back of the head.
Patamon: (Tsunonrimon) "All right, who's throwing spitwads?"
"All right Lillymon!" cheered Mimi.
All: Huzza!
Tsunonrimon recovered from her out-of-control falling and turned to Lillymon. "Ah, the flower child wants to get in on the fight.
Joe: Actually, I thought most flower children were pacifists.
News flash: The 60's are over!"
Palmon: Well, they would be, if not for the fact that some people feel an inexplicable nostalgia for love beads and protest songs.
She crossed her arms in front of her face.
Matt: (as Joe from "Wings") Assume crash positions!
"Rain of Blades!" She flung her hands outward again, releasing a spray of swords. Lillymon was thrown down into the forest below, helpless.
WarGreymon struck at Angewomon with his gleaming claws, but he couldn't seem to hit her.
Matt: WarGreymon, ya doof, take off that blindfold.
She was too fast for him. Finally, he saw his chance. He drove his foot up in a kick to her chin, snapping it shut. As the angel fell backwards, WarGreymon brought his arm back.
TK: Hey, you're not s'posed to hit girls!
Mimi: Women.
Palmon: Wo*mon*.
"Hand of Fate!" Angemon's beam attack struck home, colliding with the Mega's back.
WarGreymon grunted in pain and turned around to confront this new threat.
Matt: Whoa! Hey! Should a Champion even be able to hurt a Mega?
Joe: Well, he's an *evil* Champion now. They've got the Evil Advantage.
"Terra
Gabumon: Cotta?
Force!" The gigantic sphere of fire shone a deep scarlet as he held it high over his head. He hurled the attack at Angemon,
Matt: Projectile vomiting. That's an interesting method of attack.
Joe: Urgh.
who was totally enveloped in the blast.
Mimi: Like, totally! Oh my gawd!
Palmon: You do that too well.
As the angel dove out of the fireball, seemingly unscathed, WarGreymon paused for a second. This wasn't right.
Gabumon: (WarGreymon) "How'd I wind up in Wisconsin?"
He was a Mega Digimon, Angemon was only a Champion-stage. How could Angemon possibly have survived the Terra Force?
Matt: And why was he getting paid fifty cents more an hour?
He was forced to abandon this train of thought, however, as Angewomon re-entered the fight.
Chapter Four
Izzy was working at his computer frantically. "Izzy, this is no time to play games!" protested Joe. "Invisomon is kicking our Digimon's butts!"
Joe: Oh, pish-tush. There's always time for Starcraft.
"I know that, Joe!" explained Izzy. "One of the main problems with fighting Invisomon is that he can turn invisible.
Matt: Hence the name 'Invisomon', I'm guessing.
However, he still has a computer code in the Digiworld when he is transparent. So if I upload a program into the Digiworld that can isolate that code and display it..."
Gabumon: Then he'll merely be opaque! It's brilliant!
"Then we should be able to see Invisomon no matter what!" finished Sora.
Izzy nodded. "Right!" His fingers flew over the keyboard. With a final triumphant stroke,
Joe: Fore!
TK: ('swish'ing sound)
he pushed Enter. "Uploading now..."
Gomamon: Estimated download time: four hours and seventeen minutes. Have a nice day.
Without his normal effects,
Palmon: Invisomon was just a big chump.
Invisomon suddenly appeared in the air, aiming a kick at Kabuterimon. With the program in place, however, Kabuterimon could see Tsunonrimon's henchman and react accordingly.
Gomamon: Dropping to four of his six knees and pleading for mercy.
Patamon: Hee hee!
The bug flew out of harms way. "Electro Shocker!" the ball of electricity hit a very startled Invisomon in the back.
Invisomon fell to his knees, obviously in pain. "What?" Sora was confused.
Palmon: (Joe) "Uh-oh. Somebody get her medication."
"One shot from Kabuterimon does that much damage? How is that possible?"
Izzy smiled. "As I thought. With his natural camouflage ability, Invisomon probably never felt the need to enhance his defensive strength.
Gomamon: Yeah, he was content to just stay invisible and play silly pranks on people. Like steal their socks while they were sleeping.
Matt: We haven't forgotten that morning of chaos, you know.
Gabumon: I thought it was rather funny.
Mimi: Maybe because you don't wear socks.
Right now, he probably is the defensive equivalent of, oh say, Greymon. It's an even match now."
Joe: Since my Gangrel has Iron Will to counteract your Brujah's Dread Gaze.
"Meteor Wing!" Birdramon shot twin fireballs at Invisomon, who looked up with what Joe imagined was horror as the Digimon was picked up and thrown into a tree.
The Ultimate got up and looked at Birdramon.
Gabumon: (Invisomon) "Good heavens, have you ever thought about seeing an orthodontist about that overbite?"
"Demon Punch!"
Gomamon: With the delicious fruity taste of strawberry, lemon and avacado.
He hit the gigantic bird straight on, but this left him open to a Harpoon Torpedo salvo from Ikkakumon. Invisomon fell to the ground, defeated.
Patamon: (Invisomon) "Oh poopie."
He shimmered,
Matt: Having taken lessons from much of the JyouKou mailing list.
Joe: I hear the distinct sound of the fourth wall crumbling as we speak.
as if he was going to turn invisible again, and disintegrated.
"Yeah! You are the best, Izzy!" shouted Joe.
Palmon: Oh, sure, stroke his ego a little more.
Joe: (Izzy) "Worship me, peons!"
They were interrupted by a gigantic thunderclap in the distance.
TK: God had been watching, and boy was He impressed!
They all turned to see tiny specks shooting flashes of colored light at each other.
Matt: Tinkerbell and all her fairy friends were having a pillow fight.
Palmon: Either that or there'd been some *special* additives in those sandwiches.
Gomamon: (Sora) "Whooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaahh...."
"Looks like trouble..." Izzy began.
TK: And make it double!
Others: Gah!
"And where there's trouble..." Sora continued.
Joe groaned. "There's Tai and the others." He finished.
"Birdramon!" shouted Sora. "Take us to them! Quickly!"
Matt: All right, geez, Miss Bossy-Pants! Just gimme a minute!
Birdramon looked down at the trio. "I can't carry all of you and your Digimon like this."
Patamon: (Birdramon) "Not unless you show me your passports and airline tickets."
"Please! Birdramon, you have to! Otherwise, Tai will be hurt, I just know it. You have to!" Sora's crest started to glow.
"Birdramon digivolve to...GARUDAMON!" The giant avian bent over
Patamon: - and began scratching for feed corn.
Gomamon: Buckaw!
to pick up the group. She flapped her wings once then took to the air.
Chapter Five
"What? Where am I?" Kari slowly opened her eyes. "What happened?" She seemed to lose focus for a second, then she regained it. "Tai!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
TK: She forgot 'who', 'when' and 'how'. She'll never be a good reporter!
Tai looked down at his little sister. "We're all here to rescue you guys from Tsunonrimon. She's not paying any attention to us," he gestured at the small group.
Matt: (Tai) "Hey Mom, watch me! Mom...Mom, you're not watching! Mooommm!"
"But she's doing a good job of defeating the Digimon, and it won't be long before she turns on us."
Kari weakly sat up, then winced and brought her hand to her side as jolts of pain shot through her body.
TK: Jolt's okay, but it really can't beat Afri-Cola.
"Do you know what happened to T.K.?" asked Matt. "He has really bad burns, and I'm worried about him!"
Matt: (to Joe) Suggestions, Doogie Howser?
Joe: Uhm...look, I've got a confession. My dad's not really a doctor, he just watches "ER" and wants me to be like George Clooney.
Mimi: He wants you to be a likable but unorthodox pediatrician whose nonconformist attitude, though effective, ultimately results in the loss of his job and everything he holds dear?
Joe: Hey, it's his dream, not mine.
Kari thought. "He ran out the door," only then did she realize that since the roof had been blown off that there was no door.
Palmon: Kitty Bartholomew's gone over the edge! The horror!
"And something shocked him. I think Tsunonrimon put a spell on the place or something."
Mimi: No, he'd just been scuffing his feet on the wool carpet before he touched the doorknob.
It was then that a triple attack from the three Megas-WarGreymon's Terra Force, Dragomon's Hurricane Beam, and MetalGarurumon's Ice Wolf Claw-
Gabumon: (in his original Japanese voice) Petite Fire!
Matt: Whoa! Hey! What was that?
Gabumon: (normal voice, embarrassed) Pardon me.
sent Angewomon sprawling, and the angel crashed to the stone floor of the tower room not ten feet from where Kari was.
"Angewomon!" cried the young Digidestined. Fighting the pain,
TK: (as Kerri Strug on "Saturday Night Live") Shake it off, Skippy! Shake it off!
she went to her former companion's side. "Are you alright?"
"Kari! What are you doing?" yelled Jake. "Angewomon's evil!
Patamon: (Jake) "I caught her listening to rock and roll! And *dancing*!"
If you try and help her, she'll just hurt you...or worse!"
Kari turned to him. "I don't care! Angewomon was once my friend, and I still remember that! Nothing can change what she did for me before!"
Mimi: (Kari) "She helped me find the perfect throw pillows to accentuate my bedspread!"
Joe: 'Accentuate'... (scribbles)
With those words, Kari's Digivice started to radiate with a brilliant, pure, white light.
Matt: GE - we bring good things to life.
Mimi: Uh oh, Myotismon's gonna be mad they stole his idea.
In wonder, the girl removed it from her belt and looked at it. She turned back to the downed angel, the Digivice in her hands still. The light washed over Angewomon's face, and what seemed to be a miracle
Joe: - but was really just an inexplicable supernatural phenomenon of possible divine origin.
occurred. The radiance seemed to chase the evil aura around Angewomon away like daylight banishing the shadow of nightfall.
All: (awed) Ooooooooooooooo!
Joe: (scribbles) "...banishing the shadow of nightfall." Pretty.
Angewomon turned to Kari. "Kari?" she breathed. "What...what happened? The last thing I remember was Tsunonrimon...LOOK OUT!" the angel screamed.
Patamon: And when Kari turned around, Angewomon started making goofy faces at her.
TK: Hee hee! Sometimes I do that to Matt.
Matt: And you think I don't see you.
Kari turned to see Angemon raising his staff high above his head like a club.
TK: Run, li'l baby harp seals! Run!
Gomamon: Yaaaahh!!!
Reflexively Kari brought her arms up to block against the blow she knew was going to come. The Digivice she still clutched in her hand shone again, and Angemon halted his attack. The evil was expelled from him as well.
Joe: Next she tried it on Britney Spears, but there was simply no easy way to combat evil of that magnitude.
"Kari?" the holy warrior said, confused. He looked over to where T.K. was still lying unconscious. "T.K!" he shouted. "What have I done?"
Matt: (extremely melodramatic) WHY?!? WHY DO WE HURT THE ONES WE LOVE?!?!
Slowly, Angemon dropped his staff.
Palmon: How can you slowly drop something?
Mimi: Maybe someone was fooling around with the Time Card from "Card Captor Sakura".
Joe: Or this has turned into an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger", where everything dramatic happens in slow motion.
"Don't worry, it's not your fault, Angemon, Angewomon." Said Mimi. "It was Tsunonrimon who turned you to evil."
TK: Hey, I should use that excuse next time Mom yells at me for something!
Mimi pointed to where Tsunonrimon was currently beating up on Dragomon.
Gomamon: (Mimi) "Maybe we should do something about that...nah."
"Tsunonrimon..." Angemon growled.
Patamon: Grrr. Grrrrrrrr!
Gabumon: Oh, ah, please don't hurt me.
Patamon: (defeated) Stop patronising me.
"Matt," he called. "Take care of T.K.." The warrior floated into the air, to where Tsunonrimon had her back exposed to him. "HAND OF FATE!" The beam tore through the air and smashed into the Dark Queen.
Tsunonrimon turned in surprise. "ANGEMON!"
TK: (Tsunonrimon) "D'oh! I haven't finished decorating for your surprise birthday party yet!"
Angewomon flew to besides Angemon.
"We're free now, Tsunonrimon."
Palmon: (Angemon) "We used to cost over a hundred dollars sold separately, but now we're included free of charge in a special package deal!"
"And we've got a grudge to settle..."
Tsunonrimon threw back her head and laughed. "You, teach me a lesson? I think not!
Joe: (Tsunonrimon) "I just got my Doctorate of Theology from Northwestern! Bwahahahaha!"
For today shall see the defeat of the Digidestined, one way or another! Do you hear me? You all will lose! And," she added, dropping her voice down to a menacing whisper. "I shall take a very personal pleasure in destroying the two of you."
Matt: I heard the "You all will lose" part, but the rest was kind of an indistinct muttering noise.
A voice came from behind Tsunonrimon.
Patamon: She turned only to discover that no one was there. And then she realised - the voices were *inside her head*!
Palmon: (Tsunonrimon, smacking her forehead) "Shut up, all of you, just SHUT *UP!*"
"Not if we can help it!" She turned to see Izzy, Joe, Sora, and Ikkakumon-who had spoken-climb off Garudamon's back, with Kabuterimon hovering closely besides them.
Tsunonrimon, for the first time, looked nervous.
Matt: (Tsunonrimon) "Curses...I'm powerless against computer geeks and giant birds of indeterminate gender!"
"Well, it seems that you outnumber me." She said, getting her sarcastic edge back. "So now it is time for me to exit."
Gomamon: (Snagglepuss) Exit stage left, even!
She started to rise higher in the air, and a glowing column of light surrounded her.
"Oh no you don't!" Shouted Matt. "Come back down here and fight us!"
Matt: Don't make me come up there!
She ignored him. "Oh, and what kind of host would I be to leave without a parting present? So here it is..."
Gomamon: A copy of our home game!
Others: (crowd noises)
A sphere of darkness started to surround her, growing bigger with each second, until it was larger than any attack they had ever seen before.
Matt: It was roughly the size of Michael Flatley's ego.
All: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
"Run! Get everyone out of here!" shouted Dragomon, realizing what was going to happen.
Gabumon: (Dragomon) "Shameless glory-hogging during traditional Irish dance! It won't be pretty!"
"Quickly!"
Matt: To the Chihulymobile!
The Digidestined leapt into action.
All: (start humming the theme to "Speed")
Matt scooped up his brother and put him on MetalGarurumon's back. T.K. started to stir.
Matt: Not shake.
Gabumon: Shake 'n' Bake?
TK: (Southern accent) An' I halped!
"Matt?" he asked. "What's happening? What's going on?"
"Shhhh." Hushed Matt.
Matt: (Dr Evil) I've got a whole bag of 'shh' with your name on it.
"We need to get out of here now!"
Mimi: Quick! Everyone jump out the window!
All: Aaaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee... *splat*
As the group made their exit,
Joe: - to a medley of Rodgers and Hammerstein showtunes...
Tsunonrimon put enormous bolts of energy into the sphere. "HAVOC!!" she screamed shrilly. The ball expanded rapidly, destroying almost everything in its path.
Gabumon: Everything except some cockroaches, Spam, and a box of Twinkies on a nearby shelf.
It finally collapsed in on itself in a gargantuan explosion, which hurled all the Digidestined around.
All: (lurch violently side to side in their seats)
Jake opened his eyes weakly. He couldn't move...a glimmer of light caught his attention. What was that?
Matt: The headlights of a train!
All: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
A crystal...thrown here from the depths of the mountain, maybe?
Mimi: Wait, what mountain?
Gabumon: There was a mountain?
Palmon: Maybe it was implied or something.
Matt: Well, evil megalomaniacs always have their fortresses on or near towering mountains. I guess it's a given.
It was very pretty and fine-cut for being a natural stone. Compelled by some urge that he couldn't explain, Jake reached his tired arm for the crystal.
Joe: Jake must be part raccoon. He's attracted to shiny things.
As soon as his fingers closed around it, Jake suddenly felt new life come into his body. He had energy again.
Matt: Hmmmm...just what kind of 'crystal' is that, anyway?
TK: Jake, no! Winners don't use drugs!
Jake pocketed the crystal. He wouldn't let this out of his sight.
Patamon: But if it's in his pocket, he can't really see it, can he?
A rumbling suddenly shook the ground. Jake looked into the sky to see it swirling around and around like some sort of cosmic vortex.
Matt: He was one of the few people in existence to ever witness the Celestial Toilet.
A voice-Tsunonrimon's voice-emanated from it. "Well, well. I see you've survived my Havoc attack. Now I have no choice but to finish you off...heh...prepare to meet your deaths, Digidestined...or should I say the DigiDoomed?" she laughed coldly,
Matt: Ha. Ha. Ha.
Mimi: Turn up the thermostat on that laugh, will you please?
and Jake found himself surrounded by a brilliant, unholy, light.
TK: (singing) Unholy light, sotto yami wo terasu yo...
When it cleared, he realized he was in some sort of giant chamber. The Digidestined and the Digimon were all surrounding him, looking as confused as he felt.
Gomamon: And that was pretty darn confused.
The centerpiece of the room caught all of their attention, however.
Mimi: A lovely floral arrangement of baby's breath, Dutch iris and Easter lillies.
Tsunonrimon stood there, dressed as a queen,
Matt: (horrified) She looked like RuPaul?
Joe: (singing) I see a little sil-o-etta of a man...
but wearing all black. Around her were her henchmen: Leprechaunmon, Cerebrusmon, and Goblinmon.
Mimi: Oddly enough, they were also dressed like queens.
Gomamon: (Goblinmon, to Jake) "Hello, sailor!"
"Oh, I am SO pleased that you managed to come." Tsunonrimon smiled, and that made Jake want to throw up.
Palmon: (Jake) "Garg. She's got chunks of egg salad stuck in her teeth."
"Welcome to my throne room. Take a long look around, for it is the last place you will ever see. Good-bye..." she pointed. "Attack!"
To be continued...
(The Blinky Light Thingy (TM) begins flashing, and the kids and digimon stand up to leave.)
Matt: The suspense is killing me. Hey, I can feel my arms again!
TK: Yay!
Joe: Well, I guess we'd better go see how the others are doing...
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PART FIVE COMING SOMETIME SOON! (Honest!)
DISCLAIMER: I think it's pretty clear by this point that I do not own Digimon. I own a lot of Digimon action figures, though. I can't find the Gabumon figure anywhere. Is he like short-packed or something? Do collectors come into the stores the minute new toy shipments come in and buy all the Gabumon and hoard them? Buncha poopheads.
As ever, NO INSULT is intended to 7 of 11, unless of course he's one of those Gabumon-hoarding toy collectors, which I sorta kinda doubt. ;)
stinger
Now I have no choice but to finish you off...heh...prepare to meet your deaths, Digidestined...or should I say the DigiDoomed?
/stinger