scars9
Scars - 9

The faces of the other students had been curious, touched with concern, but he was sure this had not bothered his roommate. Staring up at the whitewashed ceiling as the pre-dawn light slunk into the room with the promise of school, Mitsuru blearily wondered at his inability to sleep for the third night in a row since Shinobu had been home.

Questions were still plaguing his mind, ones that he had not yet dared voice to anyone.

Stifling a moan, he rolled over, trying to force sleep onto himself for the last few hours before his alarm would shriek its warning. But Shinobu's down-turned face seemed to be plastered to the inside of his eyelids, for that's all he could see.

Maybe he had missed Shinobu while he was gone more than their relationship had warranted. This thought had been troubling him since a few weeks into the other boy's absence.

What did that mean to him?

He rolled over again, stretching. He just wanted an answer. Was that too much to ask?

But what if you don't like the answer? a little voice nagged at the back of his mind.

What possibly could I not like about it? he murmured drowsily back.

The voice silenced a moment, rebuked.

What indeed? he mulled silently. What if, truly, he were in love with Shinobu as well?

Startled by this, for the first time pulling his fragmented thoughts together, he opened his eyes, the wall a grim reminder of reality. So what if he loved him? What could come of it?

He was fairly sure his parents would accept them, but Sho might-

Almost angrily, he cut that thought off. There was no use thinking that. At this point, he was sure Shinobu would reject him. Hadn't he been the cause for his recent deathwish?

He tugged the sheets over his head, grateful that the weather was slowly turning colder. God, but he was a fool. Why did things always seem so complicated when one is overtired?

He would have to talk to Shinobu tomorrow. Today, rather. With that, he shut his eyes tightly again, praying for mercy to the god of insomnia.

Shinobu, meanwhile, was watching the bottom of Mitsuru's bunk, silent, his face schooled into emptiness.

~

"At this hour?"

Mitsuru stood in front of his roommate, hands in his pockets, eyes shining with a boyish seriousness that Shinobu had not often seen. "Yes. It's not far."

"It's past curfew."

Dark amethyst glared at him. "I'm dorm head." He could forge the papers easily enough.

"Ah, but such a bad example." Shinobu had not looked up from his book. "And we both have homework."

The short nap Mitsuru had caught that afternoon had not done much to stave off impatience. "So are you going to come or not?"

"I'll come." Had there actually ever been a question of it?

"Good." Mitsuru strode over to the window and pushed it open, taking a deep breath, careful not to open his mouth too wide lest the butterflies in his stomach fly out. He stood out of the way to let Shinobu hop out first onto the conveniently placed pile of cement blocks they had stuck there earlier. It was much easier than a ladder.

He followed, careful not to make a racket on his way, leaving the window open, hopping down carefully. It simply wouldn't do to fall wrong and break an ankle.

"Lead the way, great dorm head," Shinobu said amiably, the darkness making the reflection in his eyes all the brighter.

Hiding a glare, Mitsuru did lead the way, walking away from Ryukuto with even, measured steps. "So school hasn't been hard to catch up on, right?"

"Of course not." Shinobu's voice was as measured as their pace.

The blond boy, acutely aware of the tension in the air, nodded slowly. "That's good."

Shinobu did not have anything to say to that, so he just remained silent.

Mitsuru did not like silence. Anxious now, he cleared his throat. "So you're glad to be back, right?"

Green flickered in his direction. "More than you'll ever know."

This seemed a good sign. "We're almost there."

"I know."

For his part, Shinobu was also nervous, though the air was tangibly shy around his best friend. What was going on? Why had he insisted they come out here tonight? What was so important that it took precedence over the much needed sleep Mitsuru had been lacking since his return?

The rising trees of the park dimmed the night sky, but lights glinted throughout the trees, promising safety even in the dark. Mitsuru picked his way through the grass until they came nearly to the center of the park where the pond draped itself over the landscape.

The blond settled himself comfortably on the ground, eyeing his surroundings. A park, at night, by the pond, stars gleaming through the tightly knit treetops, and an occasional firefly glinting over the water.

It was ridiculously romantic.

Mitsuru cleared his throat again, motioning Shinobu to sit beside him. The other boy complied, close, but not too close. The deciding moment had arrived.

"Shinobu, I was thinking…" he trailed off, wondering how exactly to phrase his words, when Shinobu interrupted.

"I've been meaning to apologize to you," the silver haired boy said quietly, head bowed to gaze across at the water, eyes as dark as the night. "What I did to you was unfair and wrong."

Mitsuru blinked. This was what he had been expecting. "What?"

"I'm sure I made you feel as if you were to blame for my actions, but I assure you, it wasn't your fault." He words were stilted, tense. "I did everything of my own free will. You were not at fault."

Fireflies flickered several times over the pond before Mitsuru responded. "Oh." It was the best he could come up with on such short notice. Shinobu was trying to make him feel better, to feel as if none of it had been his fault. "I see."

Shifting uncomfortably away from his best friend, Shinobu kept his eyes on the water. "I'm sorry though. That I said anything before. It wasn't fair to you."

Opportunity glinted. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

Sudden panic filled Shinobu's throat. Was this more rejection? "Oh?" He took a deep breath as silently as he could.

He still wasn't sure how to phrase it. "Yes… Well, like I said, I've been thinking…"

"A trial, I'm sure," the green-eyed boy murmured, trying to salvage what little light-hearted atmosphere they had, and finally let his gaze come to rest on his friend. What he saw there surprised the rest of the words out of his mouth.

Mitsuru had his legs crossed beneath him, his hands folded tightly together, eyes dark and almost piercing. He was leaning forward slightly. There were no jokes in his demeanor. "Shinobu, listen to me a moment."

Almost imperceptibly, Shinobu nodded. Mitsuru saw.

"You were gone a long time. A very long time. And I missed you a lot." He paused, looking away toward the pond a moment, a rush of night breeze ruffling his hair. Shinobu longed to fix it. "And you're right, it was hard to think about some of the things I thought about. I did blame myself for what you did." He noticed that both of them had carefully been avoiding naming "it." Was that denial or a desire to smooth things over? Were they the same? "I thought about our friendship, about you, about me, about what I had said to you earlier. I still have the same concerns." He turned his eyes back to his friend.

Unconsciously, Shinobu inched a bit forward.

"I'm afraid of hurting you," Mitsuru said quietly, the breeze now summoning a rustle from the grass and trees. "I'm afraid I'll never be good enough for you. I'm afraid of commitment, of getting hurt, of doing something wrong." He studied his hands, still bound tightly together. "But while you were gone, I realized that I could lose you, and almost did, before I ever had you."

Something caught in Shinobu's throat as he listened. He wanted to reach out a hand, but held back.

"So maybe with you being gone for so long, I realized something." His eyes lifted once more, struggling, as though all of gravity pulled on them. "I need you around. I like having you around. I care deeply about you. I –" Here his words caught in his throat. "I think I love you."

Despite everything, Shinobu had not been expecting this. He was off-guard and nervous, and was afraid it might be showing on his face. "Mitsuru…"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I didn't know before. It surprised me too, and I didn't know how to tell you, and I'm sorry, so sorry, and I didn't realize –" Mitsuru was babbling, his voice tremoring slightly.

"Mitsuru," Shinobu said, a bit more firmly this time, moving closer to him again, but the blond refused to be stopped.

"I thought I'd lost you, Shinobu. I thought you'd died because of me." The tremors were becoming a bit more significant. "I thought that you had gone and it was my fault and I'd never see you again." At this thought, he broke, pressing his hands to his eyes, still trying to speak through the tears. "I thought… I'd never…"

Shinobu bridged the gap between them, embracing him tightly. "I'm sorry, Mitsuru… I'm so sorry…"

Mitsuru, feeling the suddenly warmth of another body, clutched it like a lifeline. "Don't… not again…" He pressed his face against the warm shoulder his friend was presenting him, muffling words and tears equally.

"I won't. I'm sorry." Shinobu felt his own throat start to tighten. His foolish actions had caused this?

The blond boy felt strangely frustrated and relieved. He had managed to get his feelings out, but they had skirted the issue, dancing more around their mutual fear of loss. Shinobu was warm against him, and was gently stroking his hair. This surprised him. He had not thought his roommate the tender type, but was not complaining.

They stayed a long moment like that, Mitsuru's head in Shinobu's shoulder, the silver-haired boy gently running a hand through blond down, arms drawn tightly around each other.

Fireflies skated through the night sky, their glow counterpoint to the gentle wind.

It was Mitsuru who pulled away first, ashamed of his tears and his weakness. He wiped a hand across his cheeks, not looking up, silent. Shinobu sat, watching him, just as silent. What was there to say now?

"Sorry," Mitsuru murmured quietly. "I'm okay."

He would dismiss all that with those simple words? A frown glanced off Shinobu's face momentarily. "About what you said earlier…"

"It's true."

Perhaps this was because Mitsuru feared him trying to kill himself again. Doubt darkly lingered inside the walls of Shinobu's heart. "Is it?"

Violet eyes, red at the edges, lifted from their shamed gaze, surprised. "What?"

"Is it true?" Shinobu was unyielding.

Mitsuru was incredulous. "Of course it's true." He swallowed a hiccup, the annoying comrade of tears. "I wouldn't make a fool out of myself like this otherwise."

Eyes, black in the dark, watched him with a chilly unrepentant manner. "I won't kill myself, you know." There was a bitter tinge to his voice. "I've learned. Don't promise anything you don't mean."

"You think I'm lying?" Mitsuru wasn't sure how to take this. He had confessed everything and Shinobu didn't believe him? What was this madness?

"No. I just don't want you to feel you have to do anything you don't want to." Shinobu's gaze did not falter.

Still a little stunned, Mitsuru looked toward the fireflies again, trying to steady himself. He counted flashes. One… two… three… and then he forced his eyes back to his best friend. "I'm not."

Silence greeted him ears, and the night suddenly seemed colder.

"Damnit, Shinobu, why don't you believe me? Don't you know how hard this is for me?" Mitsuru raised his voice slightly, annoyance creeping in through the strain.

"No harder than it was for me." There was no sympathy in Shinobu's eyes or his voice.

Disbelieving, Mitsuru gazed at him in mute astonishment. Was this really the same boy he loved? Was that hardness in his face and eyes the same of his roommate? What had happened to him?

Boyish fear suddenly crept into Shinobu's features, and he looked younger than Mitsuru had ever seen him. "Do you really mean it then, Mitsuru?" It was startling how sudden the change occurred. "You're not just saying it because of what I did?"

It all made sense now. Every puzzle piece slid carefully into the correct place. Mitsuru moved back over beside his roommate, and gave him a small smile.

And then Mitsuru leaned over and kissed him.