Author's Note:
I just wrote over 8000 words on Tuvok's thoughts, and now I think I'll
go lie down for a bit. Thanks to Cassatt, Shayenne, Cassatt's SO
Johnny, and my hubby for beta reading.
Tuvok Reminisces
Copyright September 2001
by Anne Rose
After seven years, Earth appeared
on the view screen, but I was unable to share in the sentiment of much
of the crew. Not because of any Vulcan scruples about emotional displays,
but because it was Earth. One's adoptive home may always hold a place in
the heart and mind, but it is not home.
I did watch with satisfaction
the responses of the crew. Their joy at our return was appropriate and
I am certain it was gratifying to the Captain. All her years of hard work
and sacrifice were finally at an end. I am pleased that her ordeal has
had such a positive resolution.
Over the years it has been difficult
for me to stand by and watch one of my oldest friends endure such frequent
personal turmoil. If she were Vulcan, it would be a simple matter to place
events in their proper perspective. However, I have noticed that humans
must 'work through' their emotions instead. I have also observed that more
often than not, they become mired in an event and are unable to move forward.
This concern was confirmed when
I met Admiral Janeway. Her life stopped progressing at some point. The
Admiral was not the same woman I had served with for so many years. And
yet, she still had the strength and vision to seize her destiny before
it was too late. Her bold, even reckless, plan to change her past has saved
us all.
I admit, I was having some difficulty
mastering my feeling of apprehension at the prospect of a slow and undignified
death, waiting for my mind to deteriorate to the point where I would no
longer be aware of myself or my situation, and then finally for all thoughts
to end.
Admiral Janeway related to me
my future; or rather, she told me of the last time she visited me. I should
have been immune to such an obvious emotional ploy, and while I did not
allow it to affect my judgment, or my advice to Captain Janeway, it would
be untrue to say that it did not increase my concern. I wish to believe
my lack of control on this topic was due to the neurological deterioration
that had already occurred. Perhaps I have acquired a desire to rationalize
situations from such long and close association with humans.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
My departure from Voyager was
rushed, and left little time for farewells. I was separated from the crew
on our arrival and placed on a medical shuttle for Vulcan, along with an
escort. I learned later that Admiral Paris had been made aware of my condition,
and had arranged for my immediate transport on medical grounds. Four additional
months without treatment would not have harmed me significantly, but I
was pleased to be spared the drawn out hearings on Earth and to be reunited
with my family immediately.
I did attempt to speak with
Commander Chakotay and the Captain, but I found both of them curiously
distracted. I have come to know their moods and habits well during the
past seven years, and I do not believe it was the sudden return to Earth
that occupied their minds. Given the facts I am aware of, the most logical
conclusion is that the Captain has become aware of Commander Chakotay's
unfortunate attachment to Seven of Nine. At the same time, I believe Commander
Chakotay is beginning to realize their basic incompatibility.
It is unfortunate and ironic
that after the Captain's seven years of selfless devotion to duty and protocol,
Commander Chakotay would chose a time just before our sudden return to
the Alpha Quadrant to begin a relationship with someone other than the
Captain. His choice is illogical and I believe it is driven by his emotional
reaction to the Captain's liaison on Quarra.
I have a deep respect for Seven
of Nine, and she has been an apt pupil, but she is not an appropriate mate
for the Commander. Their personalities, attitudes and interests are too
dissimilar to make a harmonious bond. I believe that once they leave the
artificial environment of the ship this will become apparent to both of
them. I only hope this realization will not come too late for all concerned.
In an ancient human religious
text their creator states that it is not good for a human to be alone,
and for this reason the sexes were created. I believe this is a deep truth
about the human condition - one that Captain Janeway has ignored to her
own self-detriment.
Just as a Vulcan cannot abandon
logic, a human cannot abandon emotion. It is illogical and unwise to ignore
these facts. I plan to make a point of speaking to her about this at my
next opportunity.
As I reflect on the Captain's
dilemma, it contrasts in my mind with my own very agreeable situation with
my mate, T'Pel. I eagerly await our reunion. I am concerned that my compromised
mental state may prove embarrassing to us both, but I trust that our long
association and deep affection will make the situation tolerable for both
of us until I can undergo the fal-tor-voh.
T'Pel has been made aware of
my condition already, and she will have begun to arrange for the healing
ceremony to be conducted as soon after my arrival on Vulcan as possible.
She is a logical, able and efficient individual. I am proud to have her
as my mate.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
The arrival on Vulcan was arranged
discretely. A formal welcome was delayed until after the fal-tor-voh. I
arrived in a shuttle with my escort – a collection of security, medical
and administrative personnel. When we came into communications range of
Vulcan, I was, at last, able to speak with T'Pel.
We exchanged the traditional
greeting of a bonded pair. The simplicity of the words conceals the depth
of feeling in this ceremony. As with many other of our rituals, layers
of ceremony obscure the emotions we strive always to contain. "Parted from
me, yet never parted - never and always, touching and touched."
I have exchanged this greeting
many times with my wife, but never have the words spoken to me as they
did on that day. It was a wise person who first instituted the ritual of
reunion and established that it should be a private matter only between
husband and wife. I believe even if I were perfectly healthy, I might still
have reacted as I did at seeing her.
When I transported down to the
appointed location, and saw her standing there, waiting for me, I felt
such a flood of emotion that I could not move at first. I was ashamed to
have her see me like this. Even after all our years together, there are
some things even a mate should not have to endure.
She walked to me and held out
her hand. I saw the questions in her face, as she watched me struggle with
my emotions at seeing her. I will always treasure her words at that moment.
"Tuvok, my husband, forgive me, but I find I am pleased more than I can
say that you cannot contain your joy at our reunion. I too am overwhelmed
with joy to see you, alive, and soon to be well and whole."
She held up her hand to me,
so that I could caress her fingers. I feared I might weep at the beauty
of the moment. She knew what I could not say, and leading me to a nearby
bench, we sat and I listened to her tell me of our family. Our sons Sek,
Varith and Elieth and our daughter Asil are all well. Sek's child T'Meni
is healthy and active. I could not wish for more.
Then T'Pel asked me for the
thing I had feared, although logically I knew it was an irrational fear
brought on by the disease. Still, I could not master my fear. "Tuvok, my
husband, can we not share our thoughts? I know your concern on this matter,
but would it not be better to share your thoughts with me now, before the
fal-tor-voh when you must meld with the healer? Allow me to share your
burden. I can also help to prepare you for the procedure so that your mind
will be strong." I knew her logic was sound while mine was flawed. I nodded
and prepared.
She placed her hands on my face
and looked into my eyes. I forced myself to return her gaze and to master
my fear. "My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts," her voice
came to me quietly in my mind. After a moment, a renewed calm filled me.
For the first time in 14 months my mind was my own again. I thanked T'Pel
for restoring me, if only for a short time. She was correct. It would make
the fal-tor-voh much easier.
Then we wandered through our
memories of the time since we last saw each other. The true nature of my
mission with the Maquis, then the shock of learning we were trapped a lifetime
away from home. I saw T'Pel's despair when she learned we were given up
for lost, and then the joy we each felt when the first communication was
established with the Alpha Quadrant.
I saw the birth of my granddaughter,
and the accomplishments of my sons and daughter at school. I was proud
of the way T'Pel guided the family and of the choices she made for our
children during my absence. They could not have been in better care.
Finally, we reached the time
of the Pon Farr. T'Pel was intrigued by my choice for resolving it. I found
I was relieved that she was not offended by my choice, and was even pleased
that I noted the difference between the hologram's ears and hers. She had
undergone the meditative path for her own resolution, but as I was already
experiencing some loss of mental control, I was unable to succeed with
my attempts.
When we severed the meld, it
was as if the last seven years of separation had not occurred at all. I
know that other species pity us because they think we do not feel life
and fail to experience it fully. I pity them instead, because they will
never know the peace that logic brings or the full sharing of two minds.
"My husband," T'Pel said. "I
can summon the healer immediately, while you are feeling stronger."
"Yes, please do. I wish to be
well, and to see our family as soon as possible."
T'Pel activated her communicator
and a moment later the healer materialized. He approached me and took T'Pel's
seat on the bench. I pulled back, even as I realized it was an emotional
reaction, but could not stop myself.
"Tuvok," the healer said, "I
have performed the fal-tor-voh on many patients. Your reaction is the customary
one – fear you wish to control, and shame at not controlling it. But we
will heal the wound in your mind, and you will be whole again."
Reaching out, he took my face
in his hands. "My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts," his
voice echoed in my mind. There was no peace in this meld. In fact, the
control I had left me, as his mind sought out the damaged areas and began
to knit them back together. But then, with each passing moment, I felt
stronger and more of my control returned. It was agony waiting for the
procedure to be completed. At last it was done, and the meld was severed.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
I spent the next day recovering
from the fal-tor-voh at my home. T'Pel had arranged for all visitors to
be kept away until I was myself again. It is good to be home again where
a simple communication can accomplish what would require dozens of security
officers on Earth.
On the following day I was able
to meet with my family, and to hold my granddaughter. She is almost 3 years
old, and understands the basics of logic and reasoning. She even played
a game of Kal-Toh with me. The game resembled the Earth game 'Pick-Up-Sticks'
more than Kal-Toh, much to her parents chagrin, but my time among humans
has taught me a tolerance for such things that I did not realize I had.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
Against the wishes of the security
personal assigned to me, Starfleet Medical allowed me a week to recover
and spend time with my family. An unnecessary concession, but I did not
see any reason to argue with them. Their apparent deference could be useful,
depending on the course they pursue with the Voyager crew.
On the eighth day after our
return, I met with the Starfleet representatives to confirm my logs and
reports, and to answer their questions. I found the choice of the officer
assigned to work with me fascinating. Commander Sanoc was an able and efficient
officer. He was accompanied by two human aides, but he conducted the briefing
himself.
The use of a Vulcan did alleviate
most of my concern about Starfleet's motives in these debriefings. The
questions were efficient and logical. I had little concern that they concealed
another agenda.
Also, I was pleased to have
limited interaction with Commander Sanoc's aides. They were among the worst
sort of Starfleet officers. While I did not take personal offense at their
disrespectful comments about my home world, their unfavorable comparisons
of Vulcan to Riisa, and their declaration that only the devil himself could
live in such a climate, showed an unfortunate lack of professional decorum.
I noted as much in my official report and to their superior. I fear for
the future of the Federation if there are many such officers currently
in service.
The first day was unremarkable.
He questioned me about the factual details of my logs. There were numerous
references to my reports on the former Maquis personnel, their performance
and ongoing development. I remember particularly the questions about my
security concerns regarding the former Maquis.
I detailed my evolving posture
on those crewmen. At first I devoted much of my time to ensuring that no
mutiny or other security risk developed. These precautions proved useful
when Seska's true identity was discovered and when the second spy was uncovered.
However, it became clear after only a short time that most of the Commander's
old crew were genuine in their intent to be productive and useful members
of the Voyager crew.
I related the incident when
I conducted a basic training course for four of the former Maquis. I highlighted
Commander Chakotay's assistance in this endeavor. While his style of motivation
was unorthodox, it was clearly effective and very efficient. After his
confrontation with the four trainees, I found them increasingly willing
and able students.
I noted that this surprised
the aides. They asked if I thought it unusual, that Commander Chakotay
would side with Captain Janeway against his crew. I corrected them. We
were one crew, and Commander Chakotay was doing, as he always did, what
was best for that one crew.
The second day focused more
on the Captain's command decisions. We went over the major decisions of
the past seven years. I supported the Captain because I believe her decisions
were logical and sound in most cases. In other cases, I put my trust in
her instincts.
I have learned that humans are
capable of making intuitive leaps that Vulcans cannot. A combination of
a Vulcan and a human is a formidable team. This has also influenced my
choice of postings after my leave is over.
The third day of debriefings
was shorter and focused on technology from the Borg and Species 8472, followed
by clarification of questions Commander Sanoc had received from Earth.
In the end, they departed from Vulcan and returned to Starfleet Headquarters
to process their information.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
Even before the debriefings
had ended, I had received three offers from Starfleet and another offer
from an organization that seemed to be outside of the Federation structure.
I have been considering my options carefully, and consulting with T'Pel.
I do not crave the position
or power that comes with advancing in Starfleet. Once before, I walked
away from them and their ambitions. I find that our family has all that
it needs, except for access to me. In spite of T'Pel's excellent care of
the children, I can see in them the effects of this lack of contact. I
do not wish to invite that a second time.
I have resolved to decline the
two Captaincies they have offered, along with the vague 'research' position
with the other organization. Instead I will accept the teaching post at
the Academy.
I feel the Federation has great
need of moral guidance at this point. I have only had a short while to
acquaint myself with the developments of the last seven years, but what
I find deeply concerns me. The disregard for individual rights and liberties
in the aftermath of the Borg, Cardassian, and Dominion wars are indefensible.
The state has put itself above the law in too many cases to easily catalog.
As I read the report I find abuse after abuse of core Federation principles.
I believe it is time again for Vulcan to step forward as the moral compass
of the Federation and lead it back to its fundamental ideals.
However, if Captain Janeway
is offered, and accepts, a new ship, I will offer to serve with her again.
But as I know the Captain well, I expect she will choose a posting in the
sciences or engineering - a post that will keep her closer to Earth and
her family.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
It was odd, but while I was
spending my extended leave on Vulcan, I found my thoughts often drifted
back to the Voyager crew. I received regular updates on their debriefings,
although the official information was vague. I also received many communications
from individuals, but curiously, none from the Captain or Commander Chakotay.
Many wished me a speedy recovery, as is their custom. I made the appropriate
and correct reply, and in doing so I found I had become the "pen-pal" of
many of the crewmembers.
Humanoids are endlessly fascinating.
Common courtesy can be transformed into the deepest friendship in their
minds. This is especially true in times of stress and crisis. Many of the
crew were uncertain about their futures. They did not know what lay ahead,
what they might be allowed to do, and how they would decide on a path,
once these things were known. I saw myself being pulled into an informal
roll of counselor for some.
I was comfortable to continue
this roll with those whom I had mentored on Voyager – B'Elanna, and Gerron
among them, but I encouraged others to seek out actual Federation counselors.
One other crewmember I have
remained in contact with is Mr. Neelix. We were able to establish regular
communication a month after our return. He is exuberant, as ever, and I
find his new position, as de facto head of the Talaxian colony has not
dampened his spirits. On the contrary, his role as leader and savior of
the colony seems to be precisely the destiny his life has been leading
up to.
Neelix's time on Voyager as
Cook, Morale Officer and Ambassador has prepared him to give the colony
the leadership it needs. I must admit, I would not have anticipated this
outcome when I first encountered Mr. Neelix. He seemed to be a simple trader
with ambitions far beyond his abilities. As time went on, he developed
many skills that will prove useful in his new life.
We often discussed the progress
of the colony. The miners were a chronic threat, but no longer an acute
crisis for the Talaxians. The shields Neelix had installed ensured that
the miners could only wait for them to leave their home if they wished
to attack them. Like with so many other conflicts, the miners had become
emotionally fixated on this one source of ore, and expended far more resources
than were warranted before they finally realized the futility and moved
on to more profitable targets.
Neelix was very proud of the
colony's progress, and updated me regularly. He also confided in me about
the growing affection between himself and Dexa. Their relationship was
progressing and one day he asked me if I thought he should propose to her.
I fail to see why he would consult a Vulcan on a clearly emotional issue,
but Mr. Neelix never seemed to grasp the essential concept of what it is
to be Vulcan.
I gave him the benefit of my
logic and my analysis of their situation. Dexa was an acceptable female.
She was stable, as shown by her continued care of her son, Brax. She shared
Neelix's sense of adventure and exploration, as she demonstrated in her
enthusiastic support of plans to protect the colony from the miners. Neelix
and Brax were bonding and there was no question that he would accept Neelix
as his father. I have noted that the child's feelings are often the deciding
factor for their parent.
This, being in his favor, along
with his continued descriptions of their time spent together caused me
to believe it would be a successful union. I told Neelix as much.
He asked me again if he should
propose. I was at a loss as to how to respond. He was insistent, wanting
assurances that I could not provide. Would she "really" accept him? Was
I certain?
At last I explained to him,
that as with any other theoretical undertaking, there comes a point where
the theory must be proved or disproved by actual trial. He must go to her
and ask her if he is ever to know the truth.
He seemed appeased by this,
and vowed that he would speak to her very soon. However, I had the impression
that it might be some time before he attempted it.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
As the end of my leave approached,
T'Pel and I began to make preparations for our relocation to Earth. T'Pel
attended all the housing and moving arrangements, including selecting schools
for the children. Our older sons would remain on Vulcan to complete their
training, but the younger and our daughter, would accompany us to Earth.
T'Pel's efficiency in this allowed
me the time I required to complete my preparations. It did not take long
for me to compile the selection of texts and lesson plans for the classes
I would teach at the Academy, as I had thought many times about what I
would do, if I were ever given the opportunity. The security and tactics
classes were part of the standard Academy offerings. However, the advanced
classes on ethics in combat, ethics in conflict situations, and moral dilemmas
of command were new to the curriculum and required far more research.
I drew on the Federation Charter
and the writings of Spock and Sarek for the foundation of my classes. I
also included logs from some of the great captains in Starfleet history.
I think T'Pel was surprised when she read my plans and saw whom I had chosen
to include.
It was only logical to include
Kirk because he faced a far higher proportion of new and unscripted scenarios
than modern captains. The majority of his missions included first contact
with new species. War with both the Klingon and Romulan empires was an
ever-present danger. Many of his decisions in the midst of conflict formed
the regulations and standards modern Starfleet adheres to. He lived in
a time of less moral ambiguity, and the years since have given ample time
to evaluate and judge his actions.
Picard was another example I
used. History has not made final judgments on his actions, but he has shown
great moral courage in many difficult situations that put him at odds with
Starfleet Command and the Federation itself. His actions in the conspiracy
of the parasites showed great ingenuity and intelligence. Even though most
of the admiralty and key command personnel were infected, he was able to
determine the nature of the plot, mainly due to his keen understanding
of the principles of the Federation.
When he was captured by the
Borg and the Cardassians, it was his own strength of character, which was
tested. In the incident surrounding the Klingon Imperial succession, he
used his diplomatic skills and knowledge of Klingon culture to guide the
proceedings, while unmasking the Romulan and Duras plots.
Perhaps two of his most direct
conflicts with the Federation came over the cloaking-transporter device
and the incident with the Ba'ku homeworld. In both, he was forced to decide
whether or not to defy the direct orders of a superior officer. In both
cases, he knew his orders violated not only the letter of the law, but
they struck at the soul of the Federation and all it stood for.
It is my hope that Captain Picard
will be near Earth towards the end of the year so that he can speak in
person about his decisions. His dilemmas are still fresh in the minds of
many and will serve to bring these lessons to life for many of the cadets
who have no field experience.
The cadets must wrestle with
these issues and decide for themselves what decisions they will make, before
they are thrust into conflict. If they do, the probability that they will
make the correct decision is increased significantly. Indeed, it is my
hope that many others will also be influenced by these classes and the
cadets who take them. Without arrogance or presumption, I intend no less
than to launch a revolution in the Federation. If necessary, I will devote
all my remaining years to this undertaking.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
A representative from Starfleet
worked with T'Pel to select our new home. She gave the specifications to
Mr. Morthen and he researched appropriate selections. Each of the 6 selections
fulfilled our basic requirements. T'Pel needs a garden area. We each need
a study where we can meditate and read or pursue our own interests. The
house must be within short transport range of the Academy, but far enough
away to be quiet and peaceful.
T'Pel went ahead of us to Earth
to finalize the house arrangements and begin moving in our belongings.
I remained behind to finalize my course materials. 2 weeks before the start
of classes I arrived on Earth along with Elieth, Asil, Sek, his wife and
our granddaughter T'Meni. Sek and his family stayed with us for a month
while we settled in and I began teaching.
I had a full schedule of events
to attend, as soon as I arrived on Earth. There were orientation meetings
for new faculty, and other events designed to allow us to meet and 'mix
with' the other instructors and their families. I found that most of my
time, during the weeks before the start of classes, was occupied with these
activities and finalizing our move. It was not until later that I had the
opportunity to contact members of Voyager's crew.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
On Earth, I continued my regular
communication with Neelix. He was particularly exuberant on one occasion,
even for him. I had some difficulty understanding him at first, as he was
not
speaking coherently. It seemed he had finally asked Dexa to marry him and
she had agreed.
It was Dexa who eventually explained
this to me, when she joined him on the link, since he was still too overcome
to speak clearly. Dexa's son Brax also seemed quite caught up in the event.
He has developed a deep affection for Neelix and I believe they will have
a harmonious, if not quiet, home life.
Neelix was most insistent that
I convey his news to the rest of the crew, and I assured him that I would.
It seems he had lost contact with them during the debriefings and was eager
to have news of them as well. I informed him that I had also received only
vague and infrequent news from them. Now that I was on Earth, I intended
to make contact with them and learn what their status was. Before he could
make his next request, I assured him that I would pass on any relevant
news as soon as I had any.
He seemed appeased and went
on to relay the plans and details for the wedding. It was to be held in
a month, and he hoped the crew could attend via the communications link.
I again agreed that I would do what I could to arrange it.
We continued to speak for a
while longer, as was our custom. Neelix questioned me about all my family
members and their activities. I did my best to satisfy his curiosity.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
I remember clearly the day soon
after, when the Captain and Commander came to visit...
T'Pel called me from my study,
to alert me that our visitors had arrived. I stopped recording my logs
and joined her to greet our guests.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
After the initial greeting,
and customary offering and accepting of refreshments, they sat and discussed
the latest news about Voyager. It was notable that the Captain and Commander
chose only the most impersonal of topics. When they were all briefed on
the news the conversation paused. The silence lasted until T'Pel spoke.
"My husband, their behavior
is illogical. Do they suppose we cannot see the truth?"
"I have learned that with humans,
sometimes it is best to let them arrive at their destination in their own
time. I am certain Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay will end their
pretense when they feel more at ease." Tuvok responded.
Janeway nearly dropped her coffee
cup, and jerked her head towards Chakotay. He was stunned as well, but
recovered more quickly. A smile spread across his face and in a moment
he began to laugh. "You can fool the rest of the crew, Kathryn, but you'll
never put one over on a Vulcan." He set his cup down, and looked at T'Pel.
"So, what gave us away? Assuming, of course, for the moment that there
is something to give away."
"My husband shared his mind
with me upon his return. Even to the casual observer, your behavior over
the years on Voyager suggested a very close working relationship. Closer
than could be explained by mere command structure, and yet there was a
tension. That tension has now disappeared. Logically, one can conclude
that there has been an alteration in your relationship. It was not difficult
to deduce what that change was." She said calmly.
There was a long moment while
Tuvok and T'Pel regarded the couple. Janeway and Chakotay looked at T'Pel
and then Tuvok, and finally at each other. Chakotay began to chuckle again
as a blush crept up Kathryn's cheeks. "Give it up love, there's no fooling
a Vulcan, and we're facing two of them."
He leaned over and put his arm
around her. She sighed and leaned in against him. Looking up at Tuvok she
said, "Well Tuvok, do you think your old friend has lost her mind, falling
in love with the man she was sent to arrest?" In spite of the joke she
made, the tension beneath her joke was clear.
Tuvok looked at his former captain
and friend and said, "It was only logical. I am merely surprised that it
took you so long to see it. It is unlike you, Captain, to be so blind to
the truth in front of you. I will admit, there were times when I feared
you would never see it."
Kathryn relaxed and Chakotay
hugged her tighter. He looked at her lovingly. "I'd have to agree with
you, Tuvok. There were a lot of times when I didn't think she'd figure
it out either. Fortunately, I'm a sucker for lost causes – especially my
own." He said.
Kathryn swatted at him playfully,
and Tuvok raised an eyebrow. The human proverb, "Be careful what you wish
for," came to mind, but he brushed the thought aside. This was one of his
oldest friends and a man he had grown to respect. Certainly he could endure
their display of emotions after waiting so many years for them to realize
the truth between them.
"So you really approve, Tuvok?"
Kathryn asked again. In spite of herself, and their command structure,
Tuvok had taken on the role of a father to her and his opinion of Chakotay
did matter to her.
"I believe you are asking if
I approve of the Commander? I would have approved of such a relationship,
even on Voyager, since we were operating under the protocols of a deep
space mission and not a routine short-term mission." Tuvok replied.
"Hmmm," Kathryn mused, "I hadn't
considered that."
"Indeed. Nevertheless, I must
admit that my first impressions of the Commander were not positive. I was
assigned to infiltrate his ship and to bring him to justice. The very nature
of my orders cast him as an outlaw and a rebel.
"However, as I observed him
daily, working with the crew of the Liberty, I formed a more sympathetic
opinion of him. He was truly a man of honor. After hearing first hand of
the Cardassian atrocities against his family and others in the crew, I
began to form a new opinion of the Maquis cause." Chakotay raised an eyebrow
at that revelation.
"My orders were still quite
clear, and I had no intention of disobeying them. But I had resolved that
on my return I would do all in my power to cause the Federation to re-evaluate
their position on the Cardassian treaty and the Maquis. This became a moot
point when we were pulled into the Delta Quadrant.
"I was further intrigued to
see how an alleged hardened criminal and terrorist was able to adapt himself
to the role of First Officer with such ease. I watched for a time to see
if there was some treachery behind this, but I saw no evidence of this.
He was, as he appeared, a loyal and dedicated officer, with the interests
of the ship and crew before his own.
"If there was any doubt left,
it was removed on your return from New Earth and the subsequent incident
with Seska. Clearly the Commander put the ships needs above his own. It
was not difficult to see what had transpired between you on the planet,
and how he struggled to abide by your wishes, Captain, after your return.
I believe this is why he felt such a strong need to prove himself worthy
when Seska returned just after that.
"In the years that followed,
I never had cause to question your loyalty or devotion, to either the ship
or its captain. So, yes, I approve completely of your choice. As I said
before, it was the only logical thing you could have done."
Kathryn let out a breath and
her face began to relax. "Thank you Tuvok. There are moments when I wonderedif
I'm crazy, and other moments where I think I'm just now becoming sane."
She hugged Chakotay again.
T'Pel rose, as if to leave the
room, but Kathryn stopped her. "You mentioned your garden earlier. I'd
love to see it."
"If you would like." She said
as she led the way. T'Pel showed them around the garden and described the
various plants and trees. Kathryn and Chakotay followed her, hand in hand,
relaxed and relieved that a last hurdle had been overcome.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
I was finally reunited with
the crew at the wedding ceremony for Neelix and Dexa. It was held on the
Talaxian colony, and we observed the ceremony and festivities via the new
communication link. However, the great distance did not spare us from the
Talaxian exuberance.
Lt. Paris oversaw the arrangements
and therefore he bears most of the responsibility for the events of that
day. His insufficient protestations that, "At least they didn't have a
Betazoid ceremony," did not seem to appease any of the guests.
It seems that the Alpha quadrant
was not fully prepared for the auditory and visual over stimulation generated
by a Talaxian celebration. It is odd how one culture will find vivid orange,
purple and lime green soothing while another will react in quite the opposite
manner. However, I remain convinced that the number of resulting sickbay
visits were highly exaggerated.
Mr. Chell was in charge of the
menu for the reception following the ceremony. He did a credible job translating
various Talaxian and Delta Quadrant recipes for use with Alpha Quadrant
ingredients.
Neelix expressed particular
gratitude about the inclusion of many Leola Root dishes. It was fortunate
that Mr. Neelix was on the other end of an inter-quadrant communications
link. If he should ever visit the Alpha Quadrant and sample any of Mr.
Chell and Lt. Paris's Leola Root recipes, I think he will hardly recognize
the main ingredient. Perhaps it is well that he is unaware of the omission.
The festivities soon turned
to drinking and dancing following the dinner. Many of the Starfleet dignitaries
departed after the meal, leaving the crew of Voyager to enjoy the reunion
in relative privacy. If they had not, I suspect the Captain and Commander
Chakotay would not have put on the dance exhibition that followed. T'Pel
and I had some difficulty remaining on the sidelines during the dancing.
Many of the crew seemed far less inhibited than on board Voyager. Perhaps
it was the alcohol, or the end of the tension of the hearings, or just
being home again. I doubt, as some claimed later, that it was any mind
altering affect stemming from the music and decor.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
This past year was very full.
Our return, the hearings for the crew, teaching at the Academy, Neelix's
marriage, the Captain's and Commander's growing relationship, and the Doctor's
trial were but a few of the events.
As I look back on the trial
to decide the Doctor's status, I find I still have what humans might call
mixed emotions. More precisely, I have yet to reconcile my thoughts and
come to my own conclusion on the matter. I was called to testify, but I
was spared having to speak either for, or against him. Instead I pointed
out the weakness of the definition of sentience. Did my testimony serve
justice? I do not know. Only time will tell.
I did assist the Doctor by helping
in the efforts to contact Mr. Neelix. He has been increasingly difficult
to reach since his duties frequently take him away from the Talaxian colony.
After waiting several days, I succeeded in speaking with him and it was
not difficult to persuade him to use his influence as Ambassador to assist
the Doctor. Mr, Neelix spoke passionately, at length, and some said eloquently,
in support of the Doctor's rights as a sentient being.
I was…relieved to not be required
to explore my full misgivings in a public forum. I do not see the logic
in declaring a subset of subroutines sentient, while the larger whole is
not. In fact, I do not believe that complexity of programming, and ability
to mimic human reactions is a test of sentience. Further, any precedent
once set, has far reaching consequences. The court did not arrive at a
test for future cases, and no doubt that will have to be established over
a long series of similar trials. But in reality, the decisions will be
based on nothing more than human sentiment.
There is no proof that a hologram,
no matter how advanced or complicated, possesses a katra. Without that,
can a being be considered sentient?
However, does the fact that
I cannot meld with the Doctor's mind mean that he has no soul, or does
it only prove that his "mind" is incompatible with the Vulcan mind?
Again, as I reflect on these
things, I find I am relieved that I was a relative bystander in his trial.
The Federation will have many years to ponder the repercussions of their
decision in the Doctor's case. And I will watch those developments with
interest.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
I look back with satisfaction
on my protégés from Voyager. The extended time on Voyager
allowed me to forge bonds and friendships with the crew, which are not
usually possible on shorter missions with their constant crew rotations.
B'Elanna was a great challenge.
Her temper and inner conflict made her difficult to teach. I am used to
training Vulcans, or Academy cadets. In the first case, the student brings
many years of training and discipline to the exercise. With cadets, they
are sometimes high spirited and unruly, but they have a drive to succeed
and better themselves which can be harnessed and directed.
With B'Elanna, the fact that
she was ordered to work with me made the first lessons difficult. As humans
say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink."
This was the way with B'Elanna in the beginning. She fought and struggled
against everything. I remember her fidgeting as she tried to meditate.
When she finally became comfortable with the exercises, she fell asleep.
Strangely that was a beginning. She had finally stopped fighting the process
and relaxed.
After that day, the lessons
became easier. I also saw a difference in her interaction with others in
the crew. More important, she began to see the benefit of those changes.
Her team was more efficient under her calmer leadership. I also know she
did not fail to notice that her occasional outbursts had a much greater
effect now that her usual behavior was less volatile. I would have sought
to curb this tendency if it had not been for the fact that the Captain
employs the same tactic.
I am not Miral's godfather,
but I feel close to her since I believe I am partially responsible for
her creation. I do not believe her parents could have formed their relationship
had B'Elanna not grown as a person and developed her mental and self-discipline.
It is profoundly satisfying to be able to see the effect you have had in
a life.
I recently learned that Mr.
Gerron would be accompanying Icheb to the Academy at the start of next
term. I was pleased to sponsor Mr. Gerron, although it is an outcome I
could not have predicted when he first came aboard Voyager. He had such
an immature and uncontrolled mind when he arrived, with many unresolved
conflicts and much anger. I felt some responsibility for him, since the
turning point in his development as a member of the crew was during the
Academy style-training classes I conducted for some of the former Maquis
crew.
At that time, I was concerned
that he might not be able to get beyond his earlier experiences and become
a useful crewman. As is often the case, it was a crisis that caused his
change in perspective. Following the incident in the cargo bay, Mr. Gerron
began to take his role on Voyager seriously, and began to truly apply himself
to his work and his studies.
In the years since, he has been
a regular if not constant visitor. We have had many philosophical discussions
and I believe it helped him to resolve the issues from his youth as a refugee.
He began to look on himself as a self-sufficient person, and no longer
a victim of the Cardassians and others. No one can stand on their own when
they are controlled by fear or anger. This fact has caused me to occasionally
marvel that other species have managed to develop into advanced civilizations,
with all their emotions to hinder them. Those individuals who are successful
manage to harness the energy of their emotions to drive them on. I believe
Mr. Gerron is one of these, and I wish him every success in his new life.
Kes is my only real regret.
While she was able to develop herself and her mental powers, I cannot account
for her later relapse. All our research and the evidence of the Ocampan
colony on Sisperia's array, suggest that when the Ocampans develop their
mental abilities, it lengthens their lives. Kes developed far beyond any
of the others, to a state of non-corporeal existence. Yet she aged dramatically
and suffered from dementia. I cannot account for this aberration. Perhaps
on her travels through the universe, she encountered a force or intelligence
that injured her and caused her to revert back to the undeveloped Ocampan
state.
I do take some comfort in the
fact that when she came to us, we were able to remind her of the ideas
and hope she had had when she was with us. I believe she was reconciled
to her life in the end.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
This week then I spoke to Mr.
Neelix, he informed me that he would be joining the Voyager museum dedication
via the communications link. This had been quite successful in allowing
much of the Voyager crew to attend his wedding, and would be useful again
at Voyager's ceremony.
He also hinted, again, that
should the Captain and Commander Chakotay decide to marry, he wanted to
be assured of a 'front row seat', as he put it, for their ceremony.
I informed him that the Captain
and Commander had made no such plans as yet. Neelix raised his eyebrow
and was oddly silent. I allowed that I too believed things to be moving
in that direction, and promised to inform him if anything concrete developed.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
Today the Voyager museum will
be dedicated. For perhaps the last time, I will wear my old yellow and
black uniform. As I put it on, I note how familiar, yet strange, it feels.
I find I have become accustomed to the grey and black uniform I wear at
the Academy.
I understand the nostalgia of
the crew and their wish to wear these uniforms one last time, as Voyager
makes its last flight. The symbolism is fitting and proper. We do not honor
the inanimate object, the ship we lived on, but the spirit of the crew
that survived the journey home. We also honor those who died wearing this
uniform. Perhaps it is not logical, but it is fitting, and I will do it
proudly.
After I finished dressing, I
met T'Pel in her garden and we prepared to transport to the festivities.
We also carried with us gifts for Miral's birthday. The date of our return
home has many meanings for our crew.
T'Pel and I have selected two
gifts for her. One is a Vulcan child's toy. It is shaped like a pyramid
with interlocking parts that form a simple puzzle. The base of the pyramid
is violet and the rows change hue ending with red at the top. It is similar
to the black and white puzzle we gave her as an infant.
The other gift is a small stuffed
Selat. It is only logical to give the child a toy she will choose to play
with, as well as one that will teach her. Human children respond to strong
color contrasts at this age, and also to soft, comforting objects. Also,
I must admit, it will please me to give something Tom Paris will not expect.
Taking T'Pel's arm, we walked
out of our home, towards the transport site, and one last flight on Voyager.
