shakespeare would twist in his grave, because the lines are all wrong. i screwed them up a bit.
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A Midsummer Night's Tortall
Lord Alan as THESEUS
Deceased mother of Alanna as HIPPOLYTA
Lord Alan as the PHILOSTRATE, Master of the Revels for THESEUS
Lord Alan as EGEUS, father of HERMIA
Alanna the Lioness as HERMIA
Thayet, Queen of Tortall as HELENA
King Jonathan as DEMETRIUS
King of Thieves George as LYSANDER
Daine as the FAIRY QUEEN TITANIA
Numair as OBERON, KING OF THE FAIRIES
Kaddar as BOTTOM
Sarge as RANDOM FAIRY
Onua as RANDOM FAIRY
Roger, Duke of Conte, as our good fairy PUCK
the other characters don't even get into the story...which is a give away. im sticking to the love triangle, or square actually. of course they will fight etc. otherwise would it be interesting?
I realize that not everyone may know this story, so heres a summary- because the story i've wrote makes no sense if you dont know it.
In this week's episode of A Midsummer's Night Tortall, we have our characters in a dress rehersal.
To escape the strict code of Athens, HERMIA and LYSANDER run away to the forest, DEMETRIUS on their heels. Seeing her love following the 'wrong' woman, HELENA joins the chase. Somehow, in a complex web of weirdness, a well-meaning fairy (PUCK) accidentally gives a love potion to the poor, freaking-out people, causing both LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS to fall in love with HELENA, leaving the formerly popular HERMIA in the dust...
And in the forest, a struggling member of a play, NICK BOTTOM, is used by PUCK and OBERON to make TITANIA give up a small boy to OBERON as a page. They make TITANIA fall in love with BOTTOM, who they change into a half-donkey to humilate her. As a side thing, OBERON sees the sad HELENA and that's how PUCK accidentally screws up the love scene...
sorry, that was a bad explaination. the real thing is better.
DIRECTOR: (glancing up) Oh, your wife.
ALAN: My wife?!
DIRECTOR: Yes.
ALAN: Dammit, you asshole, she's dead! And I never got over it! You freak.
DIRECTOR: Oh. Well, she's casted as your fiance Hippolyta.
ALAN: Well then, what the f*ck am I supposed to do? Pretend she's there?!
DIRECTOR: Yeah, you can do that. Good idea, carry on.
ALAN: (fuming) Oh, Gods! Just skip to the part where Egeus comes in with his stupid daughter. Dammit, can't anything go right? I have a soliloquy with myself for how long...forget it.
DIRECTOR: Umm...okay. You're going to kill me. First of all, his "stupid daughter" is your daughter Alanna, and well, you're Egeus too.
THESEUS-EGEUS-ALAN: What the f*ck?!
DIRECTOR: (losing temper, screaming and throwing papers at stupid Lord Alan) Shut up and just do it!
ALANNA, THAYET, GEORGE, JON: Nike!!!
DIRECTOR: I hate you all! (to Alan) Keep going, piss-for-brains.
THESEUS-EGEUS-ALAN: (glaring at the director) Fine, I will. I'm Egeus right now, since I'm playing two stupid parts.
DIRECTOR: Well, three. You're Theseus' Philostrate, too.
THESEUS-EGEUS-PHILOSTRATE-ALAN: Oh, f*ck already. I'm goddamn Egeus right now. After this I can get back to my books, thank Gods. I hate you people already, and it's been what, five minutes?
(Enter Egeus-Alan, Hermia-Alanna, and Demetrius-Jonathan)
DIRECTOR: (through gritted teeth, trying to keep patience) Stick to the script, damn you!
THESEUS-EGEUS-PHILOSTRATE-ALAN: Fine, fine.
Oh, f*ck. the next line is me, too. Okay, I'm Theseus right now.
ALANNA: Hey! I don't want this part, with a stupid, chauvanistic father- oh, look daddy, it's almost like my real life! How dare she marry this stupid Demetrius-
DEMETRIUS-JONATHAN: Hey, watch it.
ALANNA: So let me get this straight: everyone likes Hermia, and no one likes Helena. C'mon, me and Thayet should switch parts. It would be more believeable, right?
DIRECTOR: No one is changing parts, dammit! You all have to pretend. That shouldn't be too hard, should it? (glaring at first Alanna, then Jon.) It's not like you don't have the experience.
JON: (bit sheepish, putting a guilty hand on Helena-Thayet's waist) But I love Thayet now. That was a while ago...
DIRECTOR: Pretend, you ass! Aren't there a whole bunch of stories about you and Alanna getting back together, anyway? Either by affair or in dreams?
(Thayet pales, George sputters, Alanna steps on Director's foot, Jon sweats...)
DEMETRIUS-JON: Dammit, those are freaking fanfiction!
THAYET: (tearfully) Jon, do you still have-
JON: No! Dammit, no! They're stupid teenaged authors with some kind of mental problems...it's not true!
DIRECTOR: Well, they did a lot of "things" in the book.
THAYET: Wait, I never heard about it. What did you do?
JON: (whispering) Shut up, director! Are you trying to get me killed?!
DIRECTOR: (speaking loudly) No, it's just that I read in the book series Lioness Quartet about you and Alanna- gee, you guys got started in bed way early-
THAYET: You asshole! (starts strangling Jon)
GEORGE: What book? There's a book?
THAYET: (shrieks) Don't you even care?
GEORGE: (shrugs) Well, it's not like I'm all that virtuous, anyway. And she told me, too. Besides, my spouse isn't the one with erotic daydreams.
JON: (turning blue) You're not helping!
DIRECTOR: (screaming) Carry on, you unprofessional, untalented idiots! And what the hell? Thayet, George, you guys aren't even supposed to be on stage yet! You idiots!
(the two scurry away into the wings)
HERMIA-ALANNA: All right. (Angrily)
DIRECTOR: How hard is it to stick...to...the...F*CKING SCRIPT?!?! And you don't use "hath" that way.
ALANNA: Shut up, pinprick.
DIRECTOR: Oooh im scared.
GEORGE: (from offstage) You should be. She can be scary sometimes. Oh yeah, did I ever tell you about the time that-
DIRECTOR: Shut up. Keep going, you idiots. Ah, hell. Skip this part, go on to where the couples are running away.
(Enter Helena-Thayet)
DIRECTOR: Wait! Stop! Where's Daine and Numair, and Kaddar? And Onua and Sarge?
(They enter sullenly, all four angrily tugging at their fairy wings. Kaddar is happily wearing normal clothing. He sneers at them, they punch him in the stomach repeatedly.)
KADDAR: Ow! Stop it, I'm the Emperor! I can have you all executed!
SARGE: Do I have to wear this thing?!
DIRECTOR: Yes. Now go on.
DAINE: I didn't have time to read the script, see. Can you tell me what's happening?
DIRECTOR: (patient, but angry) All right. Oberon is mad at Titania, so he gets Puck to put stuff in her eyes to make her love Bottom, (Kaddar grins) who gets a donkey's head. (Kaddar scowls.) And then, Puck screws up the mortal's love lives. Where the hell is Puck?
ALANNA: Who is playing Puck?
DIRECTOR: (sweating) Umm...well, we'll see later, won't we?
NUMAIR: But I don't want to be mad at Daine, and I don't want her to fall in love with Kaddar. (punches guy one more time.) And they don't ... do anything, in this play....right?
DIRECTOR: Well, in the movie with Callista Flockhart, they kind of do something.
NUMAIR: (panicking) Something?! What something?!
DIRECTOR: It. You know.
(Numair hyperventilates. Kaddar is really really happy.)
ONUA: (confused) What's a movie?
THAYET: Who's Callista Flockhart?
DIRECTOR: Nevermind.
(Duke Roger materializes. Everyone screams, 'cept Director.)
ROGER: I'm here, everyone!
ALANNA: What the f*ck are you doing here? I killed you!
DIRECTOR: Hey, Roger. Great to have you here.
GEORGE: (yelps) He's supposed to be here?
ROGER: Who do I play?
DIRECTOR: (handing him a script) The good fairy Puck.
THAYET: Is he the guy with the earthquake? (Everyone nods.) I don't like you! You tried to kill my husband!
DIRECTOR: Well, he was watching Alanna while you were fighting for your life in the ballroom, and apparently, according to the fanfiction authors and the Holy Writ of Tamora Pierce, he still loves her. Why do you care?
JON: Shut up! Its not true!
THAYET: If you cheat on me, I'll cut you up.
ALANNA: No one's cheating!
JON: Yeah.
ONUA: Who is Tamora Pierce?
GEORGE: And what's this book you keep talking about?
THAYET: Then what's the director talking about?
DIRECTOR: Fanfiction.net, an internet site for fanfiction. Their sources say that Jon still loves Alanna, but she loves George faithfully.
ONUA: What's Fanfiction?
SARGE: What's internet?
DIRECTOR: I have proof.
(enter Sorka Robinton, fanfiction author)
SORKA ROBINTON: I dunnos, I guess theres some stories out. Haven't read it all, since the site hasn't been working properly for a while. Stupid site! What is the world coming to?!?! NOOOO! (dragged raving off the stage by palace guards)
DIRECTOR: Ohhhkay. Bad example. But theres lots of stories about you and Alanna, Jon. Take it into consideration.
THAYET: Hey!
ROGER: (reading script) I don't want to be a fairy!
DIRECTOR: Boo hoo. I don't care.
ALANNA: (snarling) I don't want him here.
ROGER: Go ahead, kill me again. I don't want to be a f*cking fairy anyway.
(they duel, Alanna kills him, big red stain on floor as stage crew drags his body away, throws it behind the fake trees on the stage.)
DIRECTOR: You killed my Puck!
GEORGE: (imitating director) Boo hoo.
DIRECTOR: Alan! Lord Alan!
(enters from stage left, dragging bookshelf)
ALAN: What? I'm reading, can't you see?
DIRECTOR: You're playing Puck now, too.
ALAN: Nooooo! I have four parts already!
DIRECTOR: So? Okay, everyone. Titania, you're sleeping behind the tree, Oberon comes up and puts magic things in her eye, Bottom comes along, and she falls in love with him. Got it?
JON: What are we doing?
DIRECTOR: You're running away, just walk in circles, following Hermia-Alanna and Lysander-George. Helena-Thayet's following you, and pretend you don't like her, and that you love Hermia-Alanna instead. (he winks, Jon gulps, Thayet scowls.) Now, go!
BOTTOM-KADDAR: Ahhhh! Oh my god! Eewwww! Theres blood on my shoes!
TITANIA-DAINE: (rubbing her sore eye) What angel wakes me from my flow'ry bed?
BOTTOM-KADDAR: My Queen! (kisses her passionately)
KADDAR: Playing my part! (Numair socks him in the stomach again) Ow!
DIRECTOR: Sure. Right. Just keep going, okay?
BOTTOM-KADDAR: Gee, Daine, thanks. Will you marry me?
(Numair rushes up and starts strangling Kaddar. In struggle trips over Roger's dead body again.)
(Guards enter, the Carthakian crest on their uniforms. Shoots Numair, bundle Kaddar off to safety, Daine with him.)
ALANNA: Maybe we should move that body. Well, both of them now.
THAYET: I guess Daine's happy to be Emperess, thats good. Too bad about Numair, though. And someone mop up the floor? Please? (no answer) I'm the Queen here! Can't I get the floor mopped? C'mon!
DIRECTOR: Now we don't have an Oberon, Titania, and a Bottom! (calling out) Alan?
ALAN: Screw you, I'm going home!
THAYET: I thought you were dead, anyway.
ALAN: Oh, yeah. (disappears)
DIRECTOR: Noooooo....Forget it! (throws papers up in air, frustrated)
THE END
tune in for next chapter/episode, when the magic circle do Romeo and Juliet! coming soon to your computer screen.