SPOILERS: Very, very mild ones from Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc, Galileo, and The Portland Trip. 'Mild' may even be overstating; 'innocuous' might be a better word.
DISCLAIMER: A bit of fluff for CJ and POTUS. No substance whatsoever. This is just my attempt to bring a bit of funny; it has nothing whatsoever to do with any current storyline – or any storyline ever, actually.
SUMMARY: Bartlet does the country & western thing, with amusing results for CJ.
THANKS: To the beta-reading goddesses Lisa, Liz, and Jess.
***
EVEN-STEVEN
by, Sid
________________________
"I won't do it, CJ."
"Please, sir."
"CJ, it was not my hat joke that cost us Texas."
"Excuse me, sir, but it didn't do us any favors, either."
"I meant it, you know."
"What's that, sir?"
"I don't look good in funny hats."
"I thought it was 'big' hats."
"Same difference."
"You look just fine."
"Or funny boots. I don't look good in them, either."
"They add a few inches, if I may say so."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
"I know I'm vertically-challenged, if that's what you're implying."
"Of course not, sir."
"Anyone would look short next to you, CJ. You're freakishly tall."
"Thanks for pointing that out. I'll file it away for the next time I need a little pick-me-up."
"Napoleon Bonaparte was five-foot-six."
"I thought he was five-foot-two."
"That's the French measurement. He was five-foot-six with the English measurement. Alexander the Great was - "
"Mr President, I could tell you how tall Prince and Bruce Springsteen are. We could trade vital stats like kids swapping baseball cards. You've still gotta wear the hat."
"Explain to me again why I'm doing this."
"Because you're having dinner with the Governor of Texas…"
"Yes?"
"And we want to show that you're not just a stuffed-shirt, bleeding-heart liberal with a Nobel Prize and a penchant for hat jokes."
"And we do this by dressing me up like Hopalong Cassidy?"
"It shows you can poke a bit of fun at yourself."
"You're sure it doesn't just look like I'm mocking Western wear?"
"You really look fine, sir."
"I look like Blazing Saddles threw up all over me."
"That's a vivid image. Thank you, sir."
"I mean it, CJ. This isn't me!"
"No, but it's sort of charming."
"...You know, this could be a lot like the green beans fiasco. Maybe you're underestimating Texans."
"I'm not underestimating them; I'm just initiating a little PR stunt, that's all. With Josh and Sam's approval, I might add."
"No one's going to see me but Timothy Glazer, CJ, and I really don't give a damn if the smug sonofabitch sees me in cowboy boots or combat boots."
"Mr President, it's just a short dinner with Governor Glazer and his wife. You'll sit, you'll laugh, you'll eat duck a là orànge and crème brulèe, and his PR reps will spin it."
"They'll spin it that the President of the United States wore a bolo tie and a damn Stetson, just to make nice with a state full of Texans who could give a flying hoo-ha what a Yankee egghead thinks about their hats!"
"A flying 'hoo-ha', sir?"
"It's been 2 years, CJ!"
"And yet they still refer to you as the Hat-Joke President."
"Well, that's not too bad."
"No."
"I mean, it's not terribly clever, but, you know, they call me 'President Bleeding-Heartlet' in Arizona."
"That's kind of clever."
"Yeah...You know, CJ, this hat is easily the size of Guatemala."
"It's not that big."
"I could fit your head and mine in this hat."
"You really are prone to exaggerations, you know that, don't you?"
"I really don't want to wear the hat."
"Also whining."
"If my wife were here, you wouldn't be talking to me like that."
"With all respect, sir, if Dr Bartlet were here, she'd be talking to you like that."
"...Speaking of hats one doesn't wish to wear..."
"I knew we were going to get back to the Portland trip."
"You really did well. I was proud of you."
"That means a lot to me, sir."
"That was sarcasm, wasn't it?"
"Of course not, Mr President."
"You're still mad at me, aren't you?"
"Of course not, Mr President."
"There it is again. That was definitely sarcasm."
"Can we just get back to you and the big hat?"
"I don't blame you if you're still a bit peeved, but that'll teach you to go messing with a man's alma mater."
"What about a woman's alma mater? I don't see anyone rushing to my defense when Josh calls me a Berkeley feminista."
"Want me to make him sing the Berkeley fight song next time he does?"
"Ah, no, but thanks for the offer. And by the way, your avoidance tactic isn't working."
"It was for a minute, there."
"Well, it's not anymore. Now put the hat on and come with me. Governor Glazer and his wife will be here any minute."
"This isn't fair."
"Neither was the way you alienated half the population of one of the largest states in the country!"
"Now who's exaggerating?"
"Mr President, please. It's just one hat, it's just one dinner, it's just one night. It won't kill you."
"Well - "
"I didn't want to wear that Notre Dame cap, sir - I mean, I really didn't want to wear it - and I didn't want to sing the fight song. But I did it, didn't I?"
"You did it because I made you do it."
"The point is that I did it. And that means you can do it. This isn't even public humiliation; it's just having a little fun at your own expense."
"Yeah, but I didn't - "
"You insulted Texans two years ago and now it's time to pay the piper."
"It's not the same thing."
"It is the same thing, and with all respect, sir, you're really beginning to irritate me."
"Only beginning? You mean you weren't irritated already?"
"Oh, God..."
"I know that look. That's a wife look. How come you can do that look and you've never even been married?"
"It's inherent in women, sir, like PMS and the ability to recognize a new haircut."
"CJ, your sarcasm is rapidly escalating."
"Sir, this can't possibly be the most embarrassing thing you've done in the name of public relations."
"Nothing else springs to mind."
"Okay, look, there's Charlie. The Governor is here. Wear the damn hat."
"This is about the Notre Dame thing, isn't it?"
"Whatever do you mean?"
"You've grown considerably more vicious since I brought up Portland."
"You know what? Fine. If you really think I'm that petty - "
"Now CJ, I didn't use the word 'petty' - "
"No, it's fine, sir, really. We're even, okay? You wear the Stetson and we'll call it even."
"...How do I look?"
"Like it's Howdy Doody Time."
"Great."
"Let's roll."
"CJ?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Are you angry with me?"
"Why?"
"You haven't said a word to me since we left the residence."
"That was two minutes ago."
"It's been a quiet two minutes, CJ."
"I'm not angry, Mr President."
"You are, however, amused about something. Is it the way I'm dressed?"
"I'd be lying if I said it wasn't."
"There's something else, though."
"Yes, there is."
"What?"
"Ah, that'd be telling."
"Just one photo, right?"
"Just one photo, sir."
"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this. I made a joke two years ago and now I'm paying for it."
"Oh, you're paying for so much more, sir. Here we go."
"What's that supposed to...CJ?"
"Sir?"
"Why is the room full of reporters?"
"Don't worry, Mr President, I'll be sure to tell them they're each allowed only one photo."
"I thought you said it would just be Glazer's PR guy."
"Actually, no, I never said that."
"You implied it, dammit."
"Yeah, I did, didn't I? Oh no, don't you dare remove that hat."
"CJ, what is this?"
"This, Mr President, is revenge; sweet revenge. Sugar-coated, in fact."
"What the hell...?"
"I am, in fact, still mad about the Portland trip."
"What?"
"And certain members of the pool felt sorry for me."
"And they're helping you humiliate the President of the United States?"
"Pretty much."
"Is that my wife I see over there?"
"Yeah. And Josh and Sam are hiding behind that potted plant. If the shaking leaves are any indication, I'd say they were having a pretty good laugh."
"Oh, God."
"I have to hold my own in the Good Ol' Boys Club, sir. And you have to admit, as far as public humiliations go, this is pretty low on the totem pole."
"I'm not sure I agree with you."
"Even-steven, Mr President."
"Jesus."
"You really do owe it to your re-election to make amends with Texas. Anyway, it will go a long way toward livening up your image."
"To have the Leader of the Free World be made fun of by his staff?"
"Everyone loves a good sport, sir, you told me that."
"Yeah, but that was because I was having a little fun with you."
"Mr President, you can stand here and argue with me, or you can get up there and win some future votes by leading us in a stirring rendition of 'Deep In the Heart of Texas'."
"But I - What?"
"The stars at night are big and bright, Mr President."
"Yeah, yeah. Deep in the heart of Texas."
"Go get 'em, tiger."
"CJ?"
"Sir?"
"Now we're even?"
"Yes, sir. Now we're even."
THE END