MODDING
ZELL
A (pointless) fanfic by Vick330 the
MadScientist
********** Disclaimer
**********
Squaresoft
owns Final Fantasy VIII and its characters. I just own a brain that, somehow,
managed to slip through the cracks at the quality control department.
This is
a pointless story, inspired by the fact that I got moderated for NO REASON
WHATSOEVER. It's all sooo unfair (pity me), and so I had to express my anger
and pain in this fic. _
The Zip-it
bit is a shameless rip-off of The Spy That Shagged Me. It's not like Austin Powers is going
to read this, anyway.
DEVO owns the copyright to their song, Whip
It (or their record label, whatever, I'm too lazy to look it up).
And,
I'm not making fun of the Village People or the Spice Girls.
Well, maybe just a little. ;)
********** I - The Modman
**********
Instructor
Trepe's classroom, 15 seconds to end of class. Zell is fidgeting like he's got
ants in his pants.
Quistis:
"Mr.Dincht, is something wrong with your seat?"
Zell:
"Huh? Nah, just waiting for the bell to ring."
Quistis:
"Until then, would you sit down properly, please?"
*DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!*
Zell:
"YAY!" - Dashes out of
classroom and collides with Cid.
Cid:
"Mr.Dincht! Garden is NOT a race track!"
Zell
(looking sheepish): "Well...heehee...I was just hurrying to the library to
surf...err...study, Sir."
Cid:
"That is most commendable, young man."
Zell: {Heehee!
I'm sooooo goooood!}
Cid:
"And you will find that the tranquility of detention is most suited to
intellectual pursuits." - Hands
Zell a detention certificate.
Zell:
"..." =0
Cid:
"Good day, Mr.Dincht. Please, carry on."
Zell: {@#$%!}
Zell finally
reaches the Garden's library. Seifer, as usual, has monopolized the best
computer, but Zell doesn't mind, for he likes the one in the corner better
anyway. Our friend logs on a message board, where an unpleasant surprise awaits
him.
USERNAME: HotDogger1
PASSWORD: ********** [itsasecret]
*Welcome
HotDogger1, you will now be returned to the topic list*
Zell: "Lets see how my topic 'Ketchup vs
Catsup (no flames please)' is doing. Shucks, it's not on the first page,
not on the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth..."
"Wha?..-
DON'T TELL ME THAT IT GOT MODDED! My [BLEEEEP!] topic was [BLEEEEPING!] good!
Someone is [BLEEEEEPING!] out to get me!
"Well,
I'll just create a new topic! There, let them mod this one: 'Are roasted
hot-dogs better than steamed ones (a non bashing topic)'. Now, lets check a
few fics."
Zell
catches up on a few fics, surfs the net a little, then comes back to the FF8
Social Board to see how his topic is doing.
Zell: "Man, I love fics! Now, where's my
topic..."
"Wha?..Don't [BLEEEEPIN'!] tell me
that it got [BLEEEEEP!] modded again! F*CK! SH*T! I don't [BLEEEEEP!] believe
this CR*P! Some [BLEEEEEP!] doesn't know what a [BLEEEEEPING!] great topic
is!!! If I find the [offspring of a female dog] who is [CENSORED] doing this,
I'll..."
********** Interlude **********
Author's
note: Dear reader, I apologize for this intrusion, but I have to have a little
discussion with Zell, regarding his language. [This fic was supposed to be
rated 'G' btw, I guess we can forget about that now]
Me:
"Zell, do you remember what we talked about, before I gave you this
gig?"
Zell:
"To leave your beer stash alone?"
Me:
"No, the other thing."
Zell:
"To ask for permission, before I go through your naughty magazines' hiding
place?"
Me:
"WHA?...How the @#$& do you know about THAT! - Er, I mean, what
naughty magazines?"
Zell:
"The ones you don't want your girlfriend to find out abou..."
Me:
"THAT'S ENOUGH! This is NOT about me anyway! I was referring to your foul
mouth. We have a contract, remember?"
Zell:
"I just thought that a little 'colorful' language would give depth to my
character."
Me:
"Zelly, baby, I love you, you know I do, and you know that I would never
infringe on your freedom of expression. May I bring your attention to clause
#82, sub-clause #36, paragraph #13, line #126 of our contract?" [Hollywood talk, guys]
Zell:
"YOU WOULDN'T!"
Me:
"Ho, yes! I would, I can, and I will! Now, get your butt back to work! We
have a fic to do here!"
Zell:
*coughlosercough*
Me:
"I beg your pardon?"
Zell:
"Huh, nothing, just clearing my throat."
Me:
"Good." - And now, dear reader, we can get back to our fic. Thank you
for your patience.
********** End of Interlude
**********
Zell:
"I'm not giving up that easily! Here's another topic for you, 'Modman': 'Reasons
why I hate veggie-dogs (an opinion)'."
Meanwhile...
Seifer:
"Hehehe! Take that, Chicken-Wuss!"
=)
As the
fates [me, the writer in this instance] would have it, Selphie walks into the
library and peeks over Seifer's shoulder.
Selphie:
"Hiya, Seifer. Whatcha doin'? - Hooooooooo! So you're the one that has
been modding Zell. That's, like, sooooo uncool, you know."
Seifer:
"Selphie!..Heehee..You're not going to tell Zell now, will you?"
Selphie:
"I sure will, you meanie."
Seifer:
"Listen, if you keep this quiet, I'll give you all my candy, here."
Selphie:
"Yummy! Sourballs! K! You got a deal."
Selphie
walks away, eating the sourballs. On her way out (she completely forgot why she
came to the library in the first place) she bumps into Irvine.
Irvine:
"Hiya, Missy. Where yah got all that candy?"
Selphie:
"Seifer gave it to me so I wouldn't tell that he's the one that has been
modding Zell but -hushhhhhhhhh- it's supposed to be a secret so don't try to
make me spill the beans mister! Selphie Tilmitt knows how to keep a secret you
know and nothing will make me speak - Ho! Rinoa is waiting for me we're going
shopping *kissy kissy* bye now."
:: Kisses Irvine and leaves::
Irvine:
"Phew! And, *aaaaaack* That kiss tasted of cheap sour candy. Better tell
my li'l partner about this."
While
Mr.Almasy was happily posting off-topic, for the sole purpose of annoying as
many people as possible, Irvine informed Zell of the situation. It was all the
cowboy could do to keep the blond guy from strangling Seifer on the premises.
Zell:
"THE [BLEEEEEEPIN'!] BASTARD! I'M GONNA [BLEEEEEEEP!] HIS [BLEEEEEEEPS!]
OFF! SH*T! THE SON O..."
* AHEM! * [Me,
the writer]
Zell:
"Ooopsie! Sorry, got carried away there." {#@$%& Contract!} "I
meant that I'll politely separate that cross-breed from some of his favorite
anatomical parts."
********** II - Sweet Revenge
**********
One
week later, Zell and Irvine had devised a plan to get back to Seifer. Little
did they suspected that their, half-baked, scheme would have unforeseen
developments.
Zell:
"Man, breaking in the Headmaster's office was sooo easy. How did you know
about these pictures of him, anyway?"
Irvine:
"He sent Selphie to get that pacifier, and the diaper. Yah know how good
Selphie is at keeping secrets."
Zell/Irvine:
*laughter*
Zell:
"Did Selphie manage to get Seifer's user-account information?"
Irvine:
"Yup! Almasy even gave her more candy, so she would keep her yap
shut."
Zell/Irvine:
*laughter*
Our
friends make their way to the library. Once there, they hack into the Garden's
computer system, and send, rather compromising, pictures of Cid all over, using
Seifer's accounts.
Twenty
minutes later, everybody in Garden is either laughing their heads off, or
rolling uncontrollably on the ground, holding their sides.
Did I
say 'everybody'? - Actually, a certain headmaster is NOT amused, not
amused at all, I guess you can even say that he was in quite a rotten mood...
Cid
(over the Garden's intercom): "Mr.Almasy, Mr.Kinneas, and Mr.Dincht,
report to my office IMMEDIATELY."
When
our trio gets to Cid's office, the Headmaster is viewing a surveillance tape.
It shows a cowboy, and a blond guy, busy at mischief.
Cid:
"Well, well, well, gentlemen. I prayed that you three would learn to work
as a team, some day. I just dared to hope, that it would serve a more
constructive purpose. I can't think of a suitable punishment, for your little
prank, right now. As soon as I come up with one, you'll be the first ones to
know..."
Seifer:
"Headmaster, I had nothing to do with this!"
Cid:
"Silence, Mr.Almasy. Don't try to make me believe, that these two pulled a
stunt like this, all by themselves. Just look at them."
Cid
points to Zell and Irvine, that are performing their best, and most convincing,
impersonation of Dumb & Dumber, ever.
Seifer:
"But, I was framed!"
Cid:
"Zip-it, Mr.Almasy."
Seifer:
"I'm the victim here!"
Cid:
"I said, ZIP-IT."
Seifer:
"Those guys did it!"
Cid:
"Viva ZIPata!"
Seifer:
"This is unfair!"
Cid:
"Zippity-Doo-Da..."
Seifer:
"Mr.Kramer, you're being fooled!"
Cid:
"Zippity-Hey..."
Seifer:
"I'm telling you, I'm innocent!"
Cid:
"Oh my, oh my, what a wonderful day...to Zip-it."
Seifer:
"Why would I do such a thing, anyway!"
Cid:
"Zip-it dot net."
Seifer:
"Sir, listen to me..."
Cid:
" The Zip-it Years."
Seifer:
"This is..."
Cid:
"The Zip-it Years, part II."
Seifer:
"...an outrage!"
Cid: "When
a problem comes along, you must Zip-it..."
Seifer:
"But, I..."
Cid: "Before
the cream sits out too long, you must Zip-it..."
Zell:
"DEVO! Cool!" ^_^
Seifer:
"Wha..."
Cid: "When
something's going wrong, you must Zip-it..."
Seifer:
"Cid, come on!"
Cid: "Now Zip-it!
into shape!"
Seifer:
"Why..."
Cid: "shape it up!
get Zipped!"
Seifer:
"Listen..."
Cid: "go forward!
move ahead!"
Seifer:
"They..."
Cid: "try to Zip-it!
it's not too late!"
Seifer:
"You..."
Cid: "to Zip-it!
Zip-it good!"
Seifer:
"This is..."
Cid: "When
a good time turns around, you must Zip-it..."
Seifer:
"...pure b*llsh*t!"
Cid: "You
will never live it down, unless you Zip-it..."
Seifer:
"But..."
Cid: "No
one gets their way, until they Zip-it..."
Seifer:
" I..."
Cid: "I say ZIP-IT!
ZIP-IT GOOD!"
Seifer:
"..."
********** III - Epilogue
**********
Zell,
Irvine, and Seifer got six months of latrine-duty, eight months of detention,
and a whole year barred from accessing the internet without proper supervision.
But
something good came out of all this, for the three guys got to know each other,
and bonded.
Seifer
took to wearing army-fatigues, and Zell got a feathered headdress (initially to
play Cowboys and Indians with Irvine).
Soon
after, Squall grew a moustache, the furry thing around his collar ran away, and
Rinoa gave him a leather cap.
At
about that time, Raijin got fed-up of Fujin's abuse, so he quit his job as a
police officer in Balamb, but kept the uniform, and took off.
Ward
retired from being a construction worker, and him and Raijin joined the guys to
start an all-boy band, the Garden People.
Their
first hit, In The Galbadian Navy, made them an overnight musical
phenomenon. Their current success, Y.M.C.G. (Young Men of Centra
Garden), has remained on the Billboard's Top-Ten for six consecutive weeks, in
Galbadia, Timber, and Esthar.
Since
the guys were always on tour, the girls got bored. They decided to make their
very own all-girl band, the Condiment Girls.
Selphie
(Babe condiment), Rinoa (Pushy condiment), Quistis (Athletic condiment), and Xu
(Gingerbread condiment) attained superstardom status, when Kiros (Spooky
condiment) joined them, and they released their mega-hit, Wannabe A SeeD
(ZigaSeeD Ah!).
Zell
bought himself a computer, and an Internet access, with the royalties. But he
can't surf as much as he would like to, for you see, the Garden People
are in high demand for concerts and promotions.
Kiros
left the Condiment Girls to follow a solo career, after their first (and
last) movie, Condiment World, bombed at the box-office. He presently
keeps a low profile, what with that Timber Royal scandal and all...
I'm
still wondering what the hell "Zigazig Ah!" means, but that's another
story.
So,
everything is well, that ends well.
And, of
course, they all lived happily ever after...
...Or
until I get another crazy fic idea, that is. ;)
Zigazig
AH! - Oopsie! I meant...***** THE END *****
