Staring Contests
Sunny day and I'm driven to school by Scott Summers, who's humming as he drives the slick red car towards our destination.
I don't mind sitting in the back with Kurt and Kitty and Evan, while Jean sits up front with her boyfriend. I like watching through the side window as the landscape passes by, hearing Kurt talk about things, Evan complaining, Kitty giggling…all part of life.
The other cars are always a little faster then us, Scott likes to drive safely and slowly, no problems, we're never late for school. I can get glimpses of other students in the other cars, people from my class…
Lance Avler's car pulls up next to us in the intersection. The red lights changed before the car could get through, and now we're stuck waiting.
I look out my window and stare at Lance. He hasn't changed since the first time we met, but I still stare, as if he's different somehow.
He scowls and looks away, directly at the unchanging lights in front, but I'm still staring, and soon he looks back, frowning hard. The other guys, Todd and Fred and Pietro, don't notice me. Todd's playing his CD full blast, Pietro's writing, finishing homework in less then a second, Fred's looking out the other window.
Lance is still looking at me, silently accusing me.
I wish the lights would change.
This happens all the time, in the crowded school, on the road, sometimes in the grocery store, when he's pushing a cart while Todd goes around, collection things.
It's like he's my shadow, always there, reminding me of things I'd really rather ignore.
I'm haunted by Lance Avlers, former teammate.
Sometimes he looks thoughtful, sometimes angry; sometimes I almost think he's going to ask me why I left at all.
He never does though.
He just stares, looks away, then stares again, and I can't help but stare back, because he's Lance, and I'm Rogue, and we don't lose staring contests easily.
Sometimes I wish he'd stop, but then, if he does, I almost start to wish that we could just stare at each other forever, locked in an unmoving hourglass that freezes time, just for us.
And sometimes I wish he'd go to hell.
Because He's Lance and I'm Rogue, and we hate each other.
He's staring at me again, I can tell what's going on in his head so easily that it scares me, because I can tell what he's thinking better then I know myself.
He's thinking that I'm a traitor, and he's right.
He's thinking that I'm hopeless, and he's right.
He's thinking that he might just miss me if he really tried, and god I hope he's right.
He's thinking that maybe I was right to leave, and I can't say anything, because I don't know.
And I'm thinking, that maybe if he misses me, I should come back.
Maybe if he really wants to ask me, then I'll ask him instead.
Maybe the guys need me as much as I need them.
And maybe I don't need them at all.
There's this long, long distance between us, like it's been forever since we talked, since we were friends, since the time when there were no staring contests. I feel like it was some other life, like it wasn't real, like I missed something important that would have made me stay with the brotherhood.
All the things that happened to us before seem like a dream, and I only have the staring contests to prove it happened, that there was something before the X Men, that there were other friends.
There's always a time where you want to grow up, I want to grow up too. Only a year, so I can go to classes with Lance. Right now, I'm in the same class as Pietro for two subjects.
He stares out the window, he doodles at subsonic speed, he looks around the class and writes fast under pressure. I look at him, study him, read his expression when he's annoyed, listen when he starts to talk fast to the teacher before catching himself. Notice how his blue gray eyes start to dart back and forth when he doesn't know the answer.
He doesn't notice me, ignores me, his eyes skip over me when he looks around. And he's unreachable, unattainable, cold and hard and blocked by betrayal that I'm not sure he feels at all, if only for the others.
Todd's noticed me, and looks at Lance, shaking his head. He's asking something and Lance looks away and answers. I wish I could tell what he's saying. Todd looks at me again, and then, he grins.
He's grinning at me. Like we're friends, like we're just normal, human, friends. And I wish he'd keep grinning for a bit longer, but he stops and looks away, back to his music.
No one else notices our car, and soon the lights change, and we're off again. Driving away, towards the school. I'm not worried though; there'll be other staring contests.