Authors Note: I know that this is a couple seasons too late, but I thought I'd post it just in case anyone was still interested. This takes place on the morning of "May Day". It describes what's going through Carters head as he gets ready for the fateful day.
Disclaimer: I don't own ER. You can sue me if you like, but the most you'll get is a stick of Big Red and maybe some pocket lint if your lucky. Your call.
A DIZZY FALL
(The Morning of May Day)
He listened to the buzzing of the alarm clock as it woke him from his sleep. No, it wasn't sleep. It was not total consciousness either. It was a state of being that he hadn't understood completely, until now. But Chase had. Chase had understood it. Chase more then understood, he lived it.
Standing and treading to the bathroom, he turned on the shower. Icy water poured from the shower head and he felt his hands going numb under it. Without thinking he stepped in, and felt his body go numb. Closing his eyes he let the water run over him. The cold, which would have made him scream months ago, now felt not so bad. It was better then warm. Better then blood. Blood was warm.
"Lucy?" Her small fragile body lying on the floor. On his bathroom floor. He stared at her, memorized by the helpless look in her once bright blue eyes. Suddenly, he was back in the nightmare. Back in Curtain Area 3.
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I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
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She knew what she was talking about. Migraines. No history, but it had to be migraines. Right Carter?
Of course Lucy, I had said. I trust you Lucy. I don't have to see him. Paul Sobricki is your patient. Abby needs me. What I meant was I would rather be with Abby, teaching her. Showing off to her. Lucy knew enough. She would be ok. If only I had just supervised. If only I had been a good teacher, and a good friend.
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I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company
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Annoyed. I'd been annoyed with Lucy. Her persistent attempts to get my attention. She had wanted to drag me away from Abby, from my patients.
Its your patient Lucy. Your responsibility....your time to die.
That's right. I had sentenced her to death. I might as well have injected her with poison, stabbed her myself. It was me. All me. My fault. My life saved. Her life....gone. Judge. Jury. Capital Punishment.
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I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby
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Tests...negative. Schizophrenic. Dr. Carter? I think he's schizophrenic. Sorry Lucy...no time. Call psych, don't bother me. That's what I'd been thinking. How could I have been so stupid? How could I be so...well...what's the word? IRRESPONSIBLE. Yes that is it. Dr. Carter...do I even deserve the title? Did I ever deserve it? I deserved nothing more then death. Lucy...she deserved better then me. She deserved to be a doctor. Dr. Knight. No one deserved the title more.
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You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
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Going about my business. Helping Abby...doing my work. Smiling...joking. Heads Will Roll. Did I really say that? If only I'd known. Lucy was bleeding out in a small dark exam room, all alone. No one there to comfort her, help her, save her. Lucy was all about saving people. She saved that heart failure patient...what was her name? I never really knew I guess. I guess I was just a bad friend. I guess I didn't pay attention, I guess I screwed up.
Once again John...you've screwed up.
Why couldn't I be more like her? What happened to John Carter?
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I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see
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That music that was blaring...I can't get it out of my head. Its there to stay, like a constant party in the distance that never ends.
Come on baby tell me...yes we aim to please
Step one...admit desk. Lucy didn't suture that leg lac? Where is she? I was annoyed, very annoyed. Why couldn't she just listen to what I said? Maybe she asked that same question about me. I'll never know. Take off my coat...hot in here.
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And you are such a fool
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Step two...hallway. My shoes squeak. I can barely hear them over the fading sounds of the party. Rolling up my sleeves, still so hot. Its February, the heat must be up too high. Approach the door. Rehearsing the words in my head.
Lucy...I thought I told you to get someone else to sit with him! Why don't you ever listen!
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To worry like you do
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Step three...walk in. No lights, but I don't bother turning them on. Look down, a card. I pick it up. To Lucy. Happy Valentines Day. Love Yosh. I smile for a brief moment. Then its there, that searing pain in my back. First thought...did I sprain it? What did I do? Reaching back I find a familiar warmth. Bring my hand back, its red. Red like the Valentines card on the floor. Red like the little heart streamers and decorations only a few feet away. Red like my life slowly seeping out of me.
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I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
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Step four...the floor. Carts turned over. Blood now pouring from my back. Still confused. SOMEBODY. Nobody. I'm all alone. I'm dieing alone. But then I open my eyes.
Lucy...
My world crashes. I have to save her, but I don't get up. I should have yelled louder for help. Should have crawled to her if I had to. Should have saved her life...like a good doctor. Like a good teacher, and a good friend. Should have died...
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You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
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"Snap out of it John! Its time for work."
I said it...like I always said it. You never get used to it. But I was wrong. You have to get used to it. People die, get used to it. Lucy's dead Carter, get used to it. Get over it. What's wrong with you? Look at us, we're going about our lives. We're living, we're sleeping, we're functioning. Why can't I do that? Why can't I just go on? Jealous, so jealous. If they only knew how jealous. But there is one way, one way to move on. At least for a few hours.
He pulled the bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Dark circles made up his under eyes. He looked like an old man, he looked like he was dead. Maybe he was.
Shaking his head to clear it, he popped open the top and took out one...no two tablets. He swallowed them without water.
"I'm fine." He stated confidently.
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I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
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Fin
~Disclaimer #2: The song lyrics come from "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of"
by U2