FINAL FANTASY VII
Cloud Strife in: "Between Anime and Hard Labour"
(open to 7th Heaven. Tifa is alone in the bar. She stares back and forth at the empty tables and dirty glasses, then sighs)
(cut to the basement. Cloud is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Tifa walks in)
Tifa: Cloud, we need to talk...
Cloud: Okay, but later.
Tifa: No, not later! Now!
Cloud: Sure, we'll talk after "Card Captor Selphie" has finished.
(cut to the TV screen. Selphie (from FFVIII) and one of the moombas are onscreen)
Selphie: Oh, Key of Clow! Power of magic! Power of light! Surrender the wand, the force ignite! Release!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: Yeah! Don't get lazy now, Selphie! You capture that card!
Tifa: What is this?
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) This? Oh, it's just some TV show I like to watch. If you're gonna sit down here and join me, then I'd thank you not to talk through it, 'kay?
Tifa: Cloud, I came down here today to tell you some very important news.
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) Tifa, Tifa, I'll take part in your little chat AFTER my favourite anime is over.
Tifa: Damn anime! It'll take over your life if you let it.
Cloud: Hey, shut up.
(cut to the TV screen. Selphie and the moomba have now been joined by Selphie's best friend from Trabia Garden (whose name escapes me). Also present is Squall and Rinoa)
Moomba: You did it, Selphie! You captured the Makes You Go Insane and Kill Your Friends Card!
Selphie's Best Friend: (holds up a video camera) Yeah, and I got it all on tape! You did great, Selphie!
Selphie: Thanks Selphie's Best Friend, and thank you too, Squall. I don't think I could have captured that card without your help.
Rinoa: We KNOW you wouldn't have been able to capture the card without Squall's help!
Squall: (sweatdrop) Uh...
Moomba: Can we go home for some cake now, Selphie?
Selphie: Yes. Let's all go home for cake.
Moomba: Hurray!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: Hurray! They caught another Clow Card!
(cut to the TV screen. The words "Moomba's Corner" have appeared on the screen)
Moomba: (jumps up) Hey there, Card fans! Welcome to another edition of Moomba's Corner! I'm your host Moomba! Selphie had a real hard time tryin' to catch the Makes You Go Insane and Kill Your Friends Card, but luckily Squall was there to lend a hand before things got too out of control. Hoh, and didn't Selphie have an excellent battle costume today?! Check this out! (a picture of Selphie in a tight yellow bikini appears on the screen) Selphie's Best Friend made this horny outfit for Selphie out of a few loose materials she had lyin' around the house, but doesn't it look great?! (close up on Selphie's assets) As you can see, Selphie's new costume really does her hot body some serious justice! (shot of Moomba in his armchair) Anyway, that's enough perverted close ups on Selphie for this week! Expect the unexpected! (waves) See YA!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: Woo-hoo! Yeah! Best Episode Ever!
TV: Coming up next on the Anime Network - "Sailor Goon!" Stay tuned, folks!
Cloud: "Sailor Goon?" (shudders) Okay Tifa, what was it you wanted to talk to me about? (looks around but Tifa has gone) What the?
(cut to the bar. Barrett and Cid walk in and find Tifa with a packed suitcase in her hands)
Barrett: ...and I say Midgar's greatest Mayor was Gerimo Salvers.
Cid: Mayor Domino!
Barrett: Gerimo Salvers!
Cid: Mayor Domino!
Barrett: Awright Highwind, you asked for it! (punches Cid in the face, who then falls to the floor) Oh, hey Tifa.
Tifa: (tries to push past) Excuse me, Barrett.
Barrett: (sticks out his hand) Whoa, whoa! Where're ya goin'?!
Tifa: I need a vacation. I just have to get out of this town for a few days.
Barrett: Uh huh, and when you say 'town' you actually mean 'bar', right?
Tifa: (sighs) It's just that I've been so overworked lately, and no one lifts a finger to help around here... I just wanna take a break for a while, that's all.
Barrett: I understand, Tifa! D'ya need a lift to the airport?
Tifa: No, it's okay. Aeris's gonna give me a ride in the buggy. I'll see you in a few days.
Barrett: Wait, what about this place? Who's gonna run the bar?
Tifa: I didn't have chance to ask Cloud, but I left him a memo. Just keep an eye on him for me, okay?
Barrett: Damn straight I will!
Tifa: Goodbye Barrett. (leaves)
(cut to the basement. Barrett walks in and turns off the television)
Cloud: Hey! I was watching that!
Barrett: Tough shit! You got work to do, short pants! (throws him a piece of paper)
Cloud: What's this? (reading the note) "Please take care of the bar for a couple of days, Tifa."
Barrett: Now get offa your damn ass and do some goddamn work!
Cloud: Hold on a sec here, Barrett! This note says, "Please take care of the bar for a couple of days, Tifa."
Barrett: Yeah, so?
Cloud: Please take care of the bar for a couple of days, TIFA!! This note was written for TIFA!
Barrett: Wha?! Don't be stupid! Why would Tifa write a note out to herself?!
Cloud: I dunno, maybe she's flipped. The beer does strange things to you.
Barrett: (shakes his head) Nah! Tifa told me she'd written this note out to you, spikey, so move yo' ass!
Cloud: She told you? When?
Barrett: Jus' now 'fore she left.
Cloud: Left? Left for where?
Barrett: She's gone on vacation.
Cloud: Vacation?! What?! Why?!
Barrett: 'Cause she needed some time to herself for a change. Geez, stop askin' me all these damn questions.
Cloud: So lemme get this straight... Tifa's gone on vacation, and she wants ME to take care of the bar for her?
Barrett: Riiight! Now get to work!
(cut to the buggy. Aeris is in the drivers seat and Tifa is sat beside her)
Tifa: Thanks for the ride, Aeris.
Aeris: Don't mention it, Tifa. What're friends for?
Tifa: You're the best friend I could ever hope to have. (groans) That Cloud makes me so mad at times!
Aeris: Hee hee... I know what you mean...
(cut to the Gold Saucer. Cloud, Barrett and Aeris are in Battle Square)
Aeris: Would you ever risk your life like this for me, Cloud?
Cloud: I don't think I would risk my life for you.
Aeris: Argh! (fills up with rage)
(cut to the Costa del Sol. Cloud and Aeris, who is dressed in an outfit identical to Tifa's, are on the couch together)
Aeris: What do you like best about my new look, Cloud?
Cloud: It-It really brings out the Tifa Lockheart in you!
Aeris: Thank yo-huh? (pause) I have to go. (leaves)
(cut to Midgar County College. Cloud is standing at the front of the classroom. Aeris, who is sitting at the back of the room, calls over to him)
Cloud: Aeris??
Aeris: Hey, I enrolled too, so that we could spend more time together. But you had to go and spoil it all by getting expelled.
(cut back to the buggy. Aeris smiles nervously)
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud is sweeping the floor, when he hits something with his broom)
Cloud: Huh? (Cid gets up off the floor) Cid?! What're you doing down there?!
Cid: Ugh... that bastard Barrett knocked the #@$% outta me... where the hell is he anyway?!
Cloud: He's gone to pick Marlene up from Elmyra's house.
Cid: Ugh... I'll get him later. I'm goin' to watch TV. (walks towards the basement's secret entrance)
Cloud: Oh, can you tell me what happens in today's episode of "Demon Ball Z"? (Cid leaves as Aeris enters the bar) Aeris! You're back! Where've you been?
Aeris: I just took Tifa to the airport. What're you up to?
Cloud: Tifa left me in charge while she's gone.
Aeris: Oh yes, she did mention it once or twice... every minute.
Cloud: Can I get you a drink?
Aeris: No thanks. Cloud, can we talk?
Cloud: Sure. What's on your mind?
Aeris: I'm just a little concerned about yours and Tifa's relationship. You seem to be drifting apart.
Cloud: Tifa and I are just fine! Don't worry about us!
Aeris: If that's true, then how come Tifa was in such a hurry to leave the country?
Cloud: She just wants to take a break, that's all. She's been workin' like crazy these past few weeks.
Aeris: Well, if you're sure everything is okay...
Cloud: Trust me! (stares at the wall clock) Damn, "Chinpokomon" starts in about twenty minutes... can't talk now, Aeris! I've gotta work fast if I want to catch the opening credits!
Aeris: Cloud, you can't just leave the bar unattended and go off to watch anime. Looking after this place is a 23 hour job.
Cloud: I know, but I thought you could look after it for me. Pretty please...
Aeris: I...
Cloud: I'll make it worth your while!
Aeris: Hmm...
(cut to Aeris's house. She is in her bedroom with Cloud. She is naked in bed, and Cloud stands before her with his butt in full view)
Aeris: Oh Cloud!
(cut back to 7th Heaven)
Aeris: ...okay. I'll mind the bar for you.
Cloud: Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! (hands her the broom and goes into the basement)
Aeris: (sweeps the floor) This better be worth it...
(cut to Wutai. Tifa is in the Turtles Paradise. Yuffie walks in)
Yuffie: Tifa?! What brings you here? Where's the rest of them jerks?!
Tifa: (laughs) Hi Yuffie! No, the others aren't here. I'm here alone on my vacation.
Yuffie: Oh... well, can I join ya?
Tifa: Sure! Pull up a chair! (shouts) Barkeep, another cocktail here for my friend!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Cid are in the basement, watching TV)
Cloud: You're so not right, Cid! Pukemon could never beat Fightmon in a battle to the death, no way!
Cid: Oh yeah? Well how would ya like to put your money where ya mouth is, numbskull?!
Cloud: Fine! You're on!
(cut to the TV screen. Two Digimon-type characters are onscreen)
Pukemon: Beer Breath! (barfs at its enemy)
Fightmon: Kick in the Nuts!! (jumps towards its enemy with its feet in the air)
(cut back to Cloud and Cid on the couch)
Cloud: Yeah, go on! Kick his ass, Fightmon!
Cid: Barf his brains out, Pukemon! (Aeris walks into the bar)
Aeris: Cloud, I've closed the bar up for the day now. Where's that big surprise you promised me?
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) Huh? Yeah, whatever, later.
Aeris: But Cloud, I shut up early especially!
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) In a second!
Aeris: Cloud, I... (stares at the television) Huh? Damn anime! I know how to fix this problem... (leaves)
Cid: (jumps up into the air and cheers) Ha! I knew Fightmon would win!
Cloud: Damn... it.
Cid: (smugly) Fifty gil please, loser!
(cut to the bar. Aeris opens the electricity generator box)
Aeris: Hee hee! No Electricity and No TV Make Cloud All Mine! (turns off the electricity and accidentally electrocutes herself to death)
(cut to the basement. The TV fizzes off)
Cloud: What? What happened to the TV?
Cid: Must be a power cut...
Cloud: No!! What about the Anime Network?! We've still got seventy more episodes of "Card Captor Selphie" to watch!!
Cid: Calm down! It's only anime!
Cloud: It's only anime?! What the hell would YOU know anyway?!
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CARD CAPTOR SELPHIE
Selphie's Bladder Control Problem
(open to Balamb Garden. Selphie is asleep in her room. The alarm clock rings and she wakes up and rubs her eyes)
Selphie: Huh? Oh, another beautiful day is upon us! Hee hee! (the moomba jumps onto her bed)
Moomba: Good morning, Sakura!
Selphie: My name isn't Sakura, Moomba. It's Selphie.
Moomba: Look, I'm pretty hungry, so can you just whip me up some breakfast please?
Selphie: Do you ever think of anything other than food, Moomba?
Moomba: (imagines he's a giant and shouts) GET ME SOME BREAKFAST!!
Selphie: (sweatdrop) Gee, okay! You only have to ask once!
Moomba: Thank you!
(cut to the cafeteria. Selphie is ordering her breakfast)
Selphie: ...and some pancakes with extra sugar, please.
Lunchlady: It'll be just a few minutes. If you'd like to take a seat in the meantime.
Selphie: Thanks. (she sits down at a nearby table as Squall and Rinoa walk in) Hi guys!
Squall: Hmph!
Rinoa: What do you want, Sakura?!
Selphie: Firstly, my name isn't Sakura. It's Selphie.
Rinoa: Shut your hole, Sakura! Don't talk back to me!
Selphie: Ergh!
Lunchlady: Ms. Tilmitt, your food is ready now.
Selphie: Hee hee! (grabs her food tray) Well, bye Squall. Bye Rinoa.
Rinoa: Get outta here! Come Squall... (leads him off by the arm as he sighs)
(cut to Selphie's dorm. Selphie walks in and gives Moomba some food)
Selphie: They didn't have your usual, but I bought you some pancakes instead.
Moomba: Thanks kid! (takes the food and eats) Oh, and while you were gone I sorta sensed a Clow Card in here.
Selphie: Huh? What?!
Moomba: Yeah, plus I keep wettin' myself. I think this has to be the work of the Pee Your Pants Card.
Selphie: You think so? (wets herself) Ew... my panties.
Moomba: (jumps up) Let's get that Clow Card!
Selphie: Right! Oh, Key of Clow! Power of magic! Power of light! Surrender the wand, the force ignite! Release!
Moomba: Now let's get to work, Selphie!
Selphie: Wait... my best friend isn't here to film my capture of the card. Plus I don't have a battle costume this week.
Moomba: Urgh... we haven't got time for that stuff now! Just get that Clow Card!
Selphie: Okay! I think I'll use the Absorbent Card for this one! Absorbent Card! Release and dispel! Absorbent Card! (a huge, pink sponge appears) Absorbent Card, soak up the Pee Your Pants Card! (the sponge absorbs the urine which flows out from Selphie's dress)
Moomba: Okay Selphie, capture it!
Selphie: Mm hm! Pee Your Pants Card! Return to your power confined! Pee Your Pants! (the card is captured) Hurray!
Moomba: Yeah! You did it, Sakura!
Selphie: Selphie!
Moomba: Yeah, whatever. What's for lunch?
Selphie: Oh Moomba! (laughs)
=======================================================================
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums, two weeks later. Tifa arrives with her suitcase)
Tifa: Ah, what a wonderful vacation that was... (sighs) ...and now it's time to face stupid reality again. I just hope 7th Heaven is still in one piece.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Tifa walks in)
Tifa: I'm home! (looks around to see the bar is in even more of a mess than before)
Cloud: Hi Tifa! How was your vacation?
Tifa: Cloud? What the heck happened here?! It's worse than when I left! Didn't you clean up at all?!
Cloud: For the first week, yeah.
Tifa: And the second??
Cloud: Aw, it was Cid's fault. He kept dissin' anime, so I spent about three hours a day kickin' his ass.
Tifa: Cloud...?
Cloud: Seriously, don't diss anime, okay? (Tifa falls over backwards) Tifa?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
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Carbuncle's Guide to the Switched Anime Titles Contained in this Fic
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As you know, I took real anime titles and changed them slightly in this fic. You could probably already tell which ones were which, but here's the complete list to all my switches.
Card Captor Selphie - Card Captor Sakura
Sailor Goon - Sailor Moon
Demon Ball Z - Dragon Ball Z
Chinpokomon - (South Park) - Pokemon
The Mon - Digimon
Hope you enjoyed the fic! This was a fun one to write, since I like CCS, so it was cool to parody that with Selphie as the Card Captor.
Cloud Strife in: "Between Anime and Hard Labour"
(open to 7th Heaven. Tifa is alone in the bar. She stares back and forth at the empty tables and dirty glasses, then sighs)
(cut to the basement. Cloud is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Tifa walks in)
Tifa: Cloud, we need to talk...
Cloud: Okay, but later.
Tifa: No, not later! Now!
Cloud: Sure, we'll talk after "Card Captor Selphie" has finished.
(cut to the TV screen. Selphie (from FFVIII) and one of the moombas are onscreen)
Selphie: Oh, Key of Clow! Power of magic! Power of light! Surrender the wand, the force ignite! Release!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: Yeah! Don't get lazy now, Selphie! You capture that card!
Tifa: What is this?
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) This? Oh, it's just some TV show I like to watch. If you're gonna sit down here and join me, then I'd thank you not to talk through it, 'kay?
Tifa: Cloud, I came down here today to tell you some very important news.
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) Tifa, Tifa, I'll take part in your little chat AFTER my favourite anime is over.
Tifa: Damn anime! It'll take over your life if you let it.
Cloud: Hey, shut up.
(cut to the TV screen. Selphie and the moomba have now been joined by Selphie's best friend from Trabia Garden (whose name escapes me). Also present is Squall and Rinoa)
Moomba: You did it, Selphie! You captured the Makes You Go Insane and Kill Your Friends Card!
Selphie's Best Friend: (holds up a video camera) Yeah, and I got it all on tape! You did great, Selphie!
Selphie: Thanks Selphie's Best Friend, and thank you too, Squall. I don't think I could have captured that card without your help.
Rinoa: We KNOW you wouldn't have been able to capture the card without Squall's help!
Squall: (sweatdrop) Uh...
Moomba: Can we go home for some cake now, Selphie?
Selphie: Yes. Let's all go home for cake.
Moomba: Hurray!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: Hurray! They caught another Clow Card!
(cut to the TV screen. The words "Moomba's Corner" have appeared on the screen)
Moomba: (jumps up) Hey there, Card fans! Welcome to another edition of Moomba's Corner! I'm your host Moomba! Selphie had a real hard time tryin' to catch the Makes You Go Insane and Kill Your Friends Card, but luckily Squall was there to lend a hand before things got too out of control. Hoh, and didn't Selphie have an excellent battle costume today?! Check this out! (a picture of Selphie in a tight yellow bikini appears on the screen) Selphie's Best Friend made this horny outfit for Selphie out of a few loose materials she had lyin' around the house, but doesn't it look great?! (close up on Selphie's assets) As you can see, Selphie's new costume really does her hot body some serious justice! (shot of Moomba in his armchair) Anyway, that's enough perverted close ups on Selphie for this week! Expect the unexpected! (waves) See YA!
(cut back to Cloud on the couch)
Cloud: Woo-hoo! Yeah! Best Episode Ever!
TV: Coming up next on the Anime Network - "Sailor Goon!" Stay tuned, folks!
Cloud: "Sailor Goon?" (shudders) Okay Tifa, what was it you wanted to talk to me about? (looks around but Tifa has gone) What the?
(cut to the bar. Barrett and Cid walk in and find Tifa with a packed suitcase in her hands)
Barrett: ...and I say Midgar's greatest Mayor was Gerimo Salvers.
Cid: Mayor Domino!
Barrett: Gerimo Salvers!
Cid: Mayor Domino!
Barrett: Awright Highwind, you asked for it! (punches Cid in the face, who then falls to the floor) Oh, hey Tifa.
Tifa: (tries to push past) Excuse me, Barrett.
Barrett: (sticks out his hand) Whoa, whoa! Where're ya goin'?!
Tifa: I need a vacation. I just have to get out of this town for a few days.
Barrett: Uh huh, and when you say 'town' you actually mean 'bar', right?
Tifa: (sighs) It's just that I've been so overworked lately, and no one lifts a finger to help around here... I just wanna take a break for a while, that's all.
Barrett: I understand, Tifa! D'ya need a lift to the airport?
Tifa: No, it's okay. Aeris's gonna give me a ride in the buggy. I'll see you in a few days.
Barrett: Wait, what about this place? Who's gonna run the bar?
Tifa: I didn't have chance to ask Cloud, but I left him a memo. Just keep an eye on him for me, okay?
Barrett: Damn straight I will!
Tifa: Goodbye Barrett. (leaves)
(cut to the basement. Barrett walks in and turns off the television)
Cloud: Hey! I was watching that!
Barrett: Tough shit! You got work to do, short pants! (throws him a piece of paper)
Cloud: What's this? (reading the note) "Please take care of the bar for a couple of days, Tifa."
Barrett: Now get offa your damn ass and do some goddamn work!
Cloud: Hold on a sec here, Barrett! This note says, "Please take care of the bar for a couple of days, Tifa."
Barrett: Yeah, so?
Cloud: Please take care of the bar for a couple of days, TIFA!! This note was written for TIFA!
Barrett: Wha?! Don't be stupid! Why would Tifa write a note out to herself?!
Cloud: I dunno, maybe she's flipped. The beer does strange things to you.
Barrett: (shakes his head) Nah! Tifa told me she'd written this note out to you, spikey, so move yo' ass!
Cloud: She told you? When?
Barrett: Jus' now 'fore she left.
Cloud: Left? Left for where?
Barrett: She's gone on vacation.
Cloud: Vacation?! What?! Why?!
Barrett: 'Cause she needed some time to herself for a change. Geez, stop askin' me all these damn questions.
Cloud: So lemme get this straight... Tifa's gone on vacation, and she wants ME to take care of the bar for her?
Barrett: Riiight! Now get to work!
(cut to the buggy. Aeris is in the drivers seat and Tifa is sat beside her)
Tifa: Thanks for the ride, Aeris.
Aeris: Don't mention it, Tifa. What're friends for?
Tifa: You're the best friend I could ever hope to have. (groans) That Cloud makes me so mad at times!
Aeris: Hee hee... I know what you mean...
(cut to the Gold Saucer. Cloud, Barrett and Aeris are in Battle Square)
Aeris: Would you ever risk your life like this for me, Cloud?
Cloud: I don't think I would risk my life for you.
Aeris: Argh! (fills up with rage)
(cut to the Costa del Sol. Cloud and Aeris, who is dressed in an outfit identical to Tifa's, are on the couch together)
Aeris: What do you like best about my new look, Cloud?
Cloud: It-It really brings out the Tifa Lockheart in you!
Aeris: Thank yo-huh? (pause) I have to go. (leaves)
(cut to Midgar County College. Cloud is standing at the front of the classroom. Aeris, who is sitting at the back of the room, calls over to him)
Cloud: Aeris??
Aeris: Hey, I enrolled too, so that we could spend more time together. But you had to go and spoil it all by getting expelled.
(cut back to the buggy. Aeris smiles nervously)
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud is sweeping the floor, when he hits something with his broom)
Cloud: Huh? (Cid gets up off the floor) Cid?! What're you doing down there?!
Cid: Ugh... that bastard Barrett knocked the #@$% outta me... where the hell is he anyway?!
Cloud: He's gone to pick Marlene up from Elmyra's house.
Cid: Ugh... I'll get him later. I'm goin' to watch TV. (walks towards the basement's secret entrance)
Cloud: Oh, can you tell me what happens in today's episode of "Demon Ball Z"? (Cid leaves as Aeris enters the bar) Aeris! You're back! Where've you been?
Aeris: I just took Tifa to the airport. What're you up to?
Cloud: Tifa left me in charge while she's gone.
Aeris: Oh yes, she did mention it once or twice... every minute.
Cloud: Can I get you a drink?
Aeris: No thanks. Cloud, can we talk?
Cloud: Sure. What's on your mind?
Aeris: I'm just a little concerned about yours and Tifa's relationship. You seem to be drifting apart.
Cloud: Tifa and I are just fine! Don't worry about us!
Aeris: If that's true, then how come Tifa was in such a hurry to leave the country?
Cloud: She just wants to take a break, that's all. She's been workin' like crazy these past few weeks.
Aeris: Well, if you're sure everything is okay...
Cloud: Trust me! (stares at the wall clock) Damn, "Chinpokomon" starts in about twenty minutes... can't talk now, Aeris! I've gotta work fast if I want to catch the opening credits!
Aeris: Cloud, you can't just leave the bar unattended and go off to watch anime. Looking after this place is a 23 hour job.
Cloud: I know, but I thought you could look after it for me. Pretty please...
Aeris: I...
Cloud: I'll make it worth your while!
Aeris: Hmm...
(cut to Aeris's house. She is in her bedroom with Cloud. She is naked in bed, and Cloud stands before her with his butt in full view)
Aeris: Oh Cloud!
(cut back to 7th Heaven)
Aeris: ...okay. I'll mind the bar for you.
Cloud: Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! (hands her the broom and goes into the basement)
Aeris: (sweeps the floor) This better be worth it...
(cut to Wutai. Tifa is in the Turtles Paradise. Yuffie walks in)
Yuffie: Tifa?! What brings you here? Where's the rest of them jerks?!
Tifa: (laughs) Hi Yuffie! No, the others aren't here. I'm here alone on my vacation.
Yuffie: Oh... well, can I join ya?
Tifa: Sure! Pull up a chair! (shouts) Barkeep, another cocktail here for my friend!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Cid are in the basement, watching TV)
Cloud: You're so not right, Cid! Pukemon could never beat Fightmon in a battle to the death, no way!
Cid: Oh yeah? Well how would ya like to put your money where ya mouth is, numbskull?!
Cloud: Fine! You're on!
(cut to the TV screen. Two Digimon-type characters are onscreen)
Pukemon: Beer Breath! (barfs at its enemy)
Fightmon: Kick in the Nuts!! (jumps towards its enemy with its feet in the air)
(cut back to Cloud and Cid on the couch)
Cloud: Yeah, go on! Kick his ass, Fightmon!
Cid: Barf his brains out, Pukemon! (Aeris walks into the bar)
Aeris: Cloud, I've closed the bar up for the day now. Where's that big surprise you promised me?
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) Huh? Yeah, whatever, later.
Aeris: But Cloud, I shut up early especially!
Cloud: (still fixed on the television) In a second!
Aeris: Cloud, I... (stares at the television) Huh? Damn anime! I know how to fix this problem... (leaves)
Cid: (jumps up into the air and cheers) Ha! I knew Fightmon would win!
Cloud: Damn... it.
Cid: (smugly) Fifty gil please, loser!
(cut to the bar. Aeris opens the electricity generator box)
Aeris: Hee hee! No Electricity and No TV Make Cloud All Mine! (turns off the electricity and accidentally electrocutes herself to death)
(cut to the basement. The TV fizzes off)
Cloud: What? What happened to the TV?
Cid: Must be a power cut...
Cloud: No!! What about the Anime Network?! We've still got seventy more episodes of "Card Captor Selphie" to watch!!
Cid: Calm down! It's only anime!
Cloud: It's only anime?! What the hell would YOU know anyway?!
=======================================================================
CARD CAPTOR SELPHIE
Selphie's Bladder Control Problem
(open to Balamb Garden. Selphie is asleep in her room. The alarm clock rings and she wakes up and rubs her eyes)
Selphie: Huh? Oh, another beautiful day is upon us! Hee hee! (the moomba jumps onto her bed)
Moomba: Good morning, Sakura!
Selphie: My name isn't Sakura, Moomba. It's Selphie.
Moomba: Look, I'm pretty hungry, so can you just whip me up some breakfast please?
Selphie: Do you ever think of anything other than food, Moomba?
Moomba: (imagines he's a giant and shouts) GET ME SOME BREAKFAST!!
Selphie: (sweatdrop) Gee, okay! You only have to ask once!
Moomba: Thank you!
(cut to the cafeteria. Selphie is ordering her breakfast)
Selphie: ...and some pancakes with extra sugar, please.
Lunchlady: It'll be just a few minutes. If you'd like to take a seat in the meantime.
Selphie: Thanks. (she sits down at a nearby table as Squall and Rinoa walk in) Hi guys!
Squall: Hmph!
Rinoa: What do you want, Sakura?!
Selphie: Firstly, my name isn't Sakura. It's Selphie.
Rinoa: Shut your hole, Sakura! Don't talk back to me!
Selphie: Ergh!
Lunchlady: Ms. Tilmitt, your food is ready now.
Selphie: Hee hee! (grabs her food tray) Well, bye Squall. Bye Rinoa.
Rinoa: Get outta here! Come Squall... (leads him off by the arm as he sighs)
(cut to Selphie's dorm. Selphie walks in and gives Moomba some food)
Selphie: They didn't have your usual, but I bought you some pancakes instead.
Moomba: Thanks kid! (takes the food and eats) Oh, and while you were gone I sorta sensed a Clow Card in here.
Selphie: Huh? What?!
Moomba: Yeah, plus I keep wettin' myself. I think this has to be the work of the Pee Your Pants Card.
Selphie: You think so? (wets herself) Ew... my panties.
Moomba: (jumps up) Let's get that Clow Card!
Selphie: Right! Oh, Key of Clow! Power of magic! Power of light! Surrender the wand, the force ignite! Release!
Moomba: Now let's get to work, Selphie!
Selphie: Wait... my best friend isn't here to film my capture of the card. Plus I don't have a battle costume this week.
Moomba: Urgh... we haven't got time for that stuff now! Just get that Clow Card!
Selphie: Okay! I think I'll use the Absorbent Card for this one! Absorbent Card! Release and dispel! Absorbent Card! (a huge, pink sponge appears) Absorbent Card, soak up the Pee Your Pants Card! (the sponge absorbs the urine which flows out from Selphie's dress)
Moomba: Okay Selphie, capture it!
Selphie: Mm hm! Pee Your Pants Card! Return to your power confined! Pee Your Pants! (the card is captured) Hurray!
Moomba: Yeah! You did it, Sakura!
Selphie: Selphie!
Moomba: Yeah, whatever. What's for lunch?
Selphie: Oh Moomba! (laughs)
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(cut to the Sector 7 Slums, two weeks later. Tifa arrives with her suitcase)
Tifa: Ah, what a wonderful vacation that was... (sighs) ...and now it's time to face stupid reality again. I just hope 7th Heaven is still in one piece.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Tifa walks in)
Tifa: I'm home! (looks around to see the bar is in even more of a mess than before)
Cloud: Hi Tifa! How was your vacation?
Tifa: Cloud? What the heck happened here?! It's worse than when I left! Didn't you clean up at all?!
Cloud: For the first week, yeah.
Tifa: And the second??
Cloud: Aw, it was Cid's fault. He kept dissin' anime, so I spent about three hours a day kickin' his ass.
Tifa: Cloud...?
Cloud: Seriously, don't diss anime, okay? (Tifa falls over backwards) Tifa?
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THE END__________
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Carbuncle's Guide to the Switched Anime Titles Contained in this Fic
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As you know, I took real anime titles and changed them slightly in this fic. You could probably already tell which ones were which, but here's the complete list to all my switches.
Card Captor Selphie - Card Captor Sakura
Sailor Goon - Sailor Moon
Demon Ball Z - Dragon Ball Z
Chinpokomon - (South Park) - Pokemon
The Mon - Digimon
Hope you enjoyed the fic! This was a fun one to write, since I like CCS, so it was cool to parody that with Selphie as the Card Captor.