Disclaimer: Gundam
Wing is not mine, no matter how hard I pray to all the Gods of every religion
it's just not going to happen. Neither is the word 'Shibby', which I have
immortalised as a saying used between my best friend an I.
A.N. I hope this is
still funny, and I hope no-one minds Quatre getting a teensy bit picked on,
it's just that Duo's not there (yet, but he will be!). The role's will reverse
soon, I promise! *cough* cough* Wufei* cough*
Dude Where's My Duo?
By Anime Animal
Chapter 3: Big and
Blonde: Weird and Wasted.
"OK, so what are we
going to do about this situation?" Sally said, putting down her champagne
glass.
"We are not
going to do anything." Catherine said strictly. "If they have lost Duo…"
"How do you lose
Duo? It's not possible!" Relena said with a giggle.
"If they have lost
Duo then it's their job to get him back."
Sally and Dorothy
nodded before a wicked grin crept to Catherine's lips.
"In the meantime
however, we will see who've they've left in the apartment and totally freak
them out."
Dorothy laughed and
reached for the champagne bottle.
"We won't make a
move until 11.30. If he's not back by then, we will be forced to act. If he's
not back in time for the wedding, then we'll…"
"Woah, wait a
second. Supposing he's not actually lost?" Sally said. "Like Relena
said, it's not possible to lose Duo."
"That's why I'm
ringing the apartment." Catherine said, dialling.
The vid-phone rang
louder than Quatre thought was physically possible. Depositing his breakfast on
the table, he rushed to answer.
"Have you found him?
Please tell me that he was asleep on the doorstep!"
His eyes then
focused on who exactly was on the other end as he spotted four very puzzled
looking women.
"Quatre, is there
something you're not telling us?" Dorothy asked sweetly.
"No." Quatre
squeaked guiltily, thus marking the return of the Amazing Travelling Lump.
"Can we talk to Duo,
we need to ask him for the florist's number…" Relena said craftily.
"Umm, he's not here
at the moment…" Quatre's voice was getting shakier by the minute, and the
Amazing Travelling Lump had grown to the size of a ping pong ball.
"Oh?" Sally asked, arcing
her eyebrows. "So where is he then?"
"He and the others
went to get some… to get some… er…"
What would the others say at a time like this? Where would
Duo go at 9'o clock in the morning? Then it hit
him like a wave of brilliance.
"Condoms! He went to get
some condoms, for tonight!"
Quatre, as unaccustomed to
lying as he was, was rather proud of that one. (A.N. Trust me, I've come
up with better…) The girl's faces changed
swiftly to shocked expressions until Relena grinned.
"Why would he do that? Hilde's
on the Pill."
Quatre's face fell a mile.
"Um, he forgot?"
Then a second wave of
brilliance hit him.
"They're not for him." He
blurted quickly.
"Hunh?"
For the girl's this was
getting better and better.
"Who are they for?"
Catherine asked.
Who is least likely to kill me for this? Quatre asked himself. Eeny meeny miney mo…
"Wufei."
Oops.
Sally grinned.
"So he's finally getting
his act together then? I was wondering…"
Insert size 8 foot into size 7 mouth, Winner. The guys have got to be having an easier time than me…Wufei is going to kill me…Ow, my head hurts…
Heero, Trowa and Wufei
stood outside a garishly painted building and swallowed the Amazing Travelling
Lump, which had miraculously divided into four parts and arrived in their
throats.
"We went…" Heero began.
"…In there?" Wufei
finished.
A neon sign glowing bright
pink depicted an indecently clad girl bouncing up and down over the words 'Big
and Blonde', leaving the passer-by little to the imagination as to what sort of
establishment it was.
"Well, we're going to have
to go in." Heero resolved.
"What kind of strip club
is open at nine in the morning?" Trowa asked.
Wufei and Heero shrugged
as Trowa went to the door.
"We're going in?" Wufei
asked. "Shibby!"
Heero and Trowa gave him
weird looks.
"I mean dishonour!
Injustice!"
"Shut up Chang and get in
the damn club." Heero snapped.
Wufei hung his head
"Sorry Heero."
Once inside, they
discovered themselves to be in a smoky room with only a lowly janitor mopping
the floor and a well dressed, albeit slightly tarty, woman smoking a cigarette.
She looked up as the guys entered and a broad grin spread across her scarlet
painted lips.
"Ahh, it's three of my
favourite boys. So where's your cute friend this morning?"
After getting over the
initial shock of this woman's familiarity with them, Heero spoke.
"Well actually, we've lost
him."
Wufei nudged Trowa in the
side.
"At least we know that we
were here last night."
Trowa nodded.
"Yes, but how many?"
The woman frowned.
"Little blondie? But he
was having such a good time dancing with the girls, a lot of our slightly more
er herm, interesting clientele were asking about him. Is there any chance he
might do an encore?"
Heero's jaw dropped.
Trowa's jaw dropped. Wufei's jaw dropped as he began to cry with laughter.
"Um no, I don't think so."
Trowa said quickly. "Can you tell us exactly how many of us were there?"
The tart in war paint
smiled.
"Well there were you
three, blondie and Duo. Gosh, it's hard to believe he's getting married today…"
"So Duo was with us?"
Heero interrupted.
"Yeah sure he was. Duo's
not the kinda guy you forget in a hurry."
"Did he leave with us?"
Trowa asked.
"Yeah, course he did. It
was his idea after all. Did you get it done sweetie?" She asked Wufei.
Wufei's eyes widened in
shock.
"Get what done?" He asked nervously.
This time, she looked
confused.
"Golly, I knew you were
wasted when you came in but I'm sure that you would have remembered…"
It was at that moment that
Heero and Trowa noticed a black mark showing out from the top of Wufei's blue vest.
"Take your shirt off
Wufei." Heero ordered.
"Are you insane Yuy?! I
know this is a strip club but…"
"Just quit moaning and
take off your shirt." Trowa added.
Reluctantly, Wufei took
off his vest and frowned, folding his arms and pouting.
"Are you happy now? I'm
giving all those strippers in the back a cheap thrill just to…"
"Oh my God!" Trowa said in
a surprisingly loud voice for him.
"Well, that would be
correct." Heero said with a smirk.
"What?" Wufei snapped.
Trowa choked back his
laughter.
"Wufei, how long have you
had your tattoo done?"
Wufei's jaw fell to the
floor and he made a peculiar spluttering noise.
"Tattoo? I don't have a
tattoo. What tattoo?"
"The tattoo that says 'I
love Nataku' on your back." Trowa said coolly.
"Gah!" Wufei yelled, running
to the men's room to have a look.
The war paint woman
smiled.
"So he did then. Excuse me
guys, but I have work to do."
She walked off to her
office.
"Oh wait, I have something
for you."
She took a Polaroid
picture from her handbag.
"Give this to blondie if
you find him."
The picture had a
half-naked Quatre standing centre stage dancing suggestively with a feather
bower while a blonde girl in a tiny feathery bikini stared on aghast.
Heero and Trowa looked at
each other and collapsed into a fit of laughter.
"Are you up for a little
blackmail?" Heero grinned evilly, waving the photo back and forth in the air.
"No, I'm not that cruel.
Besides, the poor guy thinks he has a headache. Let him think that. But I will
use this in my best man's speech if and when he gets married."
Once Wufei had returned
from the bathroom after trying to wash his tattoo off with soap and water with
little success, they congregated around the entrance.
"Right, the only tattoo
parlour in town is 'Tony's Tats' around the corner." Heero said knowledgeably.
"That's where we're going now."
At that moment, Wufei's
cell phone rang. They froze.
"It could be that damn
onna!" Wufei hissed.
"Why are you hissing? They
can't hear until you answer the damn thing." Trowa growled. "It might be Duo…"
Wufei shrugged and
answered the phone.
"Hello?" He said warily.
"Thank God it's you
Wufei!" A very relieved Quatre said. "I've just been on the phone to the girls
for the last hour and I thought you might have…"
"Get to the point." Wufei
prompted.
Quatre sighed.
"Have you found him?"
"No, but we're hot on our
trail from last night."
"Shibby."
Heero and Trowa looked at
each other, having heard the last word.
"Have you any idea what
that means?" Trowa asked.
"Not the slightest."
"Wufei?"
"What Winner?"
"You might want to stop by
the chemists on your way back…"
To be continued…
Phew,
done. I hope you realise that I'm putting myself into the firing line of my teachers
to do this story for you! If there are no more chapters, it's because my Maths
teacher has shot me. Please avenge my death.