©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2000, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails or Twelve Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.
Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 2
Suicide took a seat beside Wallace.
"'Ey, lad, what seems t' be th' problem?" Wallace asked. Suicide gestured toward his tail.
"My tail got sniped at a bit, if you know what I mean." He muttered. "Think you can take a look at it?" Wallace nodded.
"Yeh, go 'head, have yourself a seat. Let's see what those bastards did to you." He replied. Suicide sat down, then remembered something.
"Hey," He called out to the squirrels in the area. "Has anyone heard anything about Private Pin... er, Pin..." One brown squirrel spoke up.
"Pinocco?" He said. Suicide nodded. Pinocco. Must've been the name Pinéca signed up with. "Haven't heard anything from him. Why d'you wanna know?" Suicide gulped. Was Pinéca okay?
"Jus' wondering, buddy, just wondering." He sighed. "How's it goin' back there, Wallace?" Wallace put his tongue on his cheek as he rubbed a bit of alcohol on Suicide's tail. "SHIT!" Suicide screamed, turning around. "That hurt!" He started to blow on his tail.
"Sorry there, lad." Wallace replied, looking slightly embarassed. "But don' worry, you'll be okay. You're tail just got grazed a bit. That alcohol'll make it 'eal faster. 'Kay, lad?" The sirens stopped, and a loud rumble was heard. The doors were opening. "Shit. Lad, ya'd better get y'self ready. I think I see some Tediz on the other side of that door..." Wallace was right. At least twenty Tediz poured in through the door and started firing. Wallace grabbed his first aid kit and stood. "I gotta get goin'. G'luck, lad!" He ran out the opposite door. Suicide sighed, watching as many squirrels were killed before his eyes. He didn't like this. He knew it was time to bring out the hot stuff.
Suicide whipped out his flamethrower and ran through the sea of blood beneath him, almost making him slip. The first Tediz didn't even see him coming.
"AHHH!" It screamed, its nylon fur immedately reacting to the flame. It ran around, accidently igniting other Tediz along its way. Soon, all the Tediz were on fire and dancing about like a drunk squirrel in a strip bar. One by one, they fell over, creating a large mass of burnt nylon. Suicide smirked and put him flamethrower away.
"The only good Tediz, is a fried Tediz." He said triumphantly. He looked over at the canister drop-off area and saw Chessut standing there, his eyes wide.
"H-holy shit, Suicide!" He exclaimed. "Once again, y-you almost got yourself killed!" Suicide smirked.
"Don't worry about it, Chessut, I know what I'm doing. Now come on, let's head back to the base." He offered. Chessut nodded, face still as white as a red squirrel's face can get. They turned around and walked out of the sewage area.
"Hey, what do you need that for?" Chessut asked as he watched Suicide take out his walkie talkie. Suicide smirked a bit, then held down a button.
"Private Suicide reporting," He said. "Hope some of you guys made it away from the chemical cloud. Anyway, if any of you have seen Private Pinocco or if Private Pinocco's hearing this, please contact me immediately. Over!" He let go of the button, then noticed Chessut staring at him oddly. "What?"
"What is it with you and this Pinocco guy?" He asked.
"Well, we had originally planned to kill ten Tediz each, then meet eachother back in our own base. I guess you can call us 'partners in crime'." Suicide said with a light chuckle. "We used to go to school together. From kindergarten to grade twelve. Buds, ya know?" Chessut nodded.
"Yep..." He said, a sad look on his face. "Buds..." Suicide looked concerned.
"Chessut? What 's'matter?" He said worriedly. Chessut shook his head.
"Nothing. Just... memories, ya know?" He replied sadly. Suicide looked ahead.
"I'm sorry, Chessut. If only I knew." Chessut laughed a bit.
"Hey, man! Come on, you're not a mindreader. Forget about it." He said. Suicide shrugged as the two entered the base. Home away from home.
"Okay."
"You're all MONSTERS!" Pinéca screamed, wriggling to get free from the ropes tied around her hands and ankles. Tears trickled down her face. The evil Tediz surrounding her laughed evilly, poking her with their knifeguns every so often, but not spilling any blood. "Leave me alone!" She screamed. Just then, she heard a message come through on the walkie-talkie on the belt around her waist.
"Private Suicide reporting. Hope some of you guys made it away from the chemical cloud. Anyway, if any of you have seen Private Pinocco or if Private Pinocco's hearing this, please contact me immediately. Over!" Came the voice. Pinéca gasped.
"Suicide...!" She whispered. She glared at the Tediz before her. "Let me use my walkie-talkie." She hissed at them. The Tediz laughed, then shook their heads.
"No," they taunted. "No." They poked at her arms, drawing a bit of blood. Pinéca screamed in anger.
"LET ME USE MY FUCKING WALKIE-TALKIE!" She screamed, wriggling to get free. The Tediz shook their heads once more. "You're all assholes!" Pinéca spat at them. "I hope you rot!" The Tediz frowned at her, and readied their knife guns. They were about to pull the trigger, when...
"Don't shoot the girl!" Came a Tediz voice, speaking in a thick accent. A rather buff-looking Tediz with a cigar in its mouth came out from a door behind them. It was the Tediz leader. It hissed a few things in its own language at the nearby Tediz, and they dropped their guns and scuttled off. He smirked, and sat down by Pinéca, who opened her firmly shut eyes, and glared at the Tediz in front of her.
"What the fuck do you want?" She snapped. The Tediz laughed.
"My my, touchy, aren't we?" He said. "I just want some... answers out of you." Pinéca rolled her eyes. "...Right. Now, first question. Why were you trying to infiltrate our base?" Pinéca narrowed her eyes.
"Because you're all stupid bastards that don't deserve to live." She growled. She spat in his eye. "That's why." The Tediz smirked, whiping the saliva from his eye.
"I see." he said. "I see."
Suicide sighed loudly.
"Hey, come on, mate!" Chessut nudged him. "It'll be all right! Don't worry, Pinocco'll come out okay." Suicide shook his head.
"I'm not so sure, Chessut." He said sadly. "I think he would've replied to my call by now." He picked up a few grenades from a crate and pocketed them. "Anyway... let's go to the Tediz's base. I'm bored." Chessut laughed.
"That's the spirit, boy." He said with a chuckle. The two ran up the wooden plank and outside, but then stopped when they saw many squirrels gathered around the entrance to the bunker that was dug into the ground. "What's going on here?" Chessut asked. One albino squirrel turned around.
"There's a guy down there havin' a fight with a Tediz. The bastard's almost got him!" He exclaimed. Suicide frowned, then walked over the the bunker entrance. He pushed the squirrels out of the way, then shouted down the hole.
"Hey, guy! I'm throwing a grenade down! Get out of the way!" He shouted to the squirrel, pulling the pin of a grenade and tossing it down.
"What was that?" The squirrel asked. "I couldn't quite hear you, bud." The grenade ticked for a few seconds, then exploded. Red blood, yellow blood, stuffing, and assorted bodyparts flew everywhere. The squirrel was dead. Everyone craned their necks around to look at Suicide, who stood there with his mouth gaping open, not believing what had just happened. He killed an innocent recruit on his own side. He gulped loudly as all the squirrels around him (except Chessut) glared at him accusingly.
"Murderer!" One grey squirrel screamed.
"Traitorous son of a bitch!"
"Two-faced cocksucker!" Suicide whiped the sweat from his forehead.
"Guys, I didn't mean to! I told him to get out of the way, I meant to get the Tediz! Honest!" The albino squirrel frowned.
"My furry white ass, you did!" He growled. He took out a pair of handguns. "You'll pay for his death, bastard!" Chessut ran in front of Suicide.
"Guys, guys! He didn't mean to! Suicide's a good guy! He wouldn't ever kill a squirrel on purpose!" He protested. "Please, guys! Have a heart!" The squirrels looked at eachother for a moment, then discussed the situation. They turned back toward Suicide and Chessut, then frowned.
"You're in with him!" Another grey squirrel screamed. "Let's get 'em, boys!" All the squirrels brought out their weapons and got ready to attack, when the albino squirrel raised a hand. All the squirrels put their weapons away.
"How about we test these guys to see just how worthy they are?" He said with a smirk. "We'll get these guys to clear out the enemy base, or most of it." He offered. He looked up at the sky, and noticed the sun was beginning to set. "Ah, shit. Tomorrow then. We have to go back to the barracks to sleep." He glared at Suicide. "Let's just hope this asshole and his cohort don't strike again." He muttered. A loud whistle blew, signifying the end of the fighting for that day. The squirrels all turned around and went back insidetheir own base. They went through the exit and toward the beach, with Suicide and Chessut trudging along slowly behind the rest of the group. Suicide put his head in his hands, shaking it. Chessut patted him on the back.
"I killed him, Chessut." Suicide muttered. "I fucking blew him up." Chessut sighed.
"It wasn't your fault, Suicide. You warned him. He should've gotten out of the way." He said. Suicide shook his head.
"He didn't hear me. For all I know, the poor guy could've been deaf or something. And I killed him." He took his hands away, showing that he was crying. "I don't know if I can live with myself. I killed him." Chessut patted him on the back once more.
"Don't worry, mate. You just need some sleep. It'll be all right." Suicide shook his head once more. Not gonna happen. He thought.
Pinéca answered all of the Tediz leader's questions by sundown. She sighed.
"Can I please go now?" She asked. "Or at least report back to someone with my radio? Please?" The Tediz sighed.
"Fine, fine." He tossed his cigar out the window, as it had been smoked to the point that it was nothing but a small, burning stub of tobacco. He untied Pinéca, and she stretched around a bit.
"Thanks!" She said happily. She took her walkie-talkie from her belt, then pressed a button and spoke into it. "Private Pinocco reporting," She said in a noticably deeper voice. She only hoped she could reach Suicide.
Suicide trudged across the beach with Chessut by his side, feeling completely lousy. Just then, he heard a voice in his radio...
"Private Pinocco reporting. Private Suicide, I'm all right." Suicide grabbed the radio frantically and held it to his ear. "But... SUICIDE THE TEDIZ HAVE ME! Help! Go to the bunker and you'll find a secret entra- hey! What are you doing with...? No! My radio! Give it back!" Pinéca's voice faded into the background. Suicide quickly pressed and held a button.
"Private Pinocco! Can you hear me!?"
The Tediz grabbed Pinéca's radio and tossed it out the window. It smashed on the ground below, and became nothing but crumpled metal. Pinéca screamed.
"YOU ASSHOLE!" She screamed. "ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE! That was the only way of contacing Suicide!" She kicked the Tediz a few times. "ASSHOLE!" The Tediz picked her up and looked her in the eye.
"You were giving away our hideout, bitch!" He hissed. "What was I supposed to do, let them come in here and kill me, and my soldiers!?" He shook his head and tied her back onto the wooden pole she was on before. "Not going to happen." Pinéca sighed.
"You didn't have to throw my radio out the window." She muttered. The Tediz raised an eyebrow at her, lighting up another cigar.
"Yes, I did." He replied. Pinéca frowned.
"I had to contact Suicide! We were supposed to kill ten of your little 'friends', then head back and meet eachother at our own base. I killed ten of 'em, and was ready to go back, when two of your kind took me here." She narrowed her eyes. "Let me go, NOW!" The Tediz laughed.
"If I do that, you'll tell the other squirrels where this place is. They'll come and kill us all, or at least... try to." He laughed. "Oh yeah, we're sending my finest soldiers to your barracks right now. Just so we can get rid of our little... pest problem before it gets even worse." He laughed once more. "We'll get them in their prime; when they're fast asleep." He main a splitting motion across his neck. "And all your little buddies-including Suicide-will be dead!" Pinéca's eyes welled up with tears.
"No..." She whispered. The Tediz smirked.
"'Fraid so, dear." He said with a snigger. "Well, looks like it's time for me to go and eat supper. I sure am hungry. Tired, too. Yes, a nice warm bed. That'll do nicely." He removed the cigar from his mouth and put out the ember on Pinéca's arm, singing her fur and her skin. She screamed in agony. The Tediz laughed, then left her alone.
"Suicide..." Pinéca whispered. She shook her head, tears trickling down her cheeks. "Oh, Suicide..."
End of part 2
There you have it, part 2! Let's see now, no new names, so it seems. Y'know, I wrote about 3/4 of this chapter while listening to the BFD soundtrack? (If you want one, check it out on eBay, that's where I got mine.) I love this soundtrack. Let's see... right now I'm listening to the song entitled "Surf Punks" (AKA the song that plays while you're racing those bitchy little cavemen buggers, Mugged subchapter). But, I'm babbling. Right. Please check out Conker's Other Bad Fur Day! it really doesn't have that much to do with Donkey Kong, really! And as usual, e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca with any questions/compliments/whatever. Oh yeah, and I still haven't found out what Mepsipax is, dammit.