©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2000, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails or Twelve Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.
Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 4
Chessut's eyebrows raised, and he looked the Tediz over. Joelk was short and kind of scrawny for a teddy bear, Chessut noticed. That was how he recognized him. His face brightened, and his eyes gleamed with happy tears.
"Joelk? Joelk, is it really you!?" He asked. Joelk grinned and nodded.
"What OTHER Tediz speaks fluent English, and speaks with a not-so-German accent?" He laughed a bit, then cleared his throat. Div ran over to get the canister.
"But Joelk, I thought you were dead," Chessut said, shaking his head. "I thought that those big, grey-squirrel bulleys chased you and killed you when we were in grade school." Joelk laughed.
"Kill me!? Naw, they just threatened me, and told me that they'd kill me and my family if we didn't move back to Germany. So, we moved back, and they told the whole school - including you - that they'd killed me." He said solemnly. Chessut shook his head.
"The bastards. They simply refuse to believe that not all Tediz are jerks." He shook it again, then grinned. "Well, it's good to see you! We need to catch up!" Suicide cleared his throat a bit.
"Uhm, yeah, HI, Chessut! This is a force of destruction! You can't become friends with a killer!" He shouted. Joelk laughed again.
"Hey, don't worry, I've never killed anyone or anything in all my life. I was born in England, just like you!" He replied. Chessut nodded.
"And besides, Suicide; remember my friend that I was talking about earlier? The one who I had, ahem, 'memories' about?" Suicide nodded slowly. "Yeah, well, this is him! I've known him since I was a baby!" Suicide raised an eyebrow.
"But . . . if you're a 'good' Tediz, then how come you've joined the army and are going against we squirrels?" He asked accusingly. Joelk looked a bit embarassed.
"Well, to tell the truth, I was forced to. I didn't WANT to." He shuffled uncomfortably. Chessut smiled again, and put his arm around his friend.
"Hey, don't worry about it! You're on our side now!" He said cheerfully. Acorn nodded, and grinned almost evilly.
"Yeah, and if any of those Tediz bastards try hurtin' ya, we'll blow the livin' fuck outta them!" He said with a laugh. One Tediz ran down the bunker, screaming obscenities in Joelk's general direction. "Ah, speakin' of which. . . ." Acorn added, readying his magnum, then firing. The Tediz's head was shot clear off, and there was nothing left but a stump of a neck, and green blood squirting out of it. "Besides," Acorn continued, putting his gun away, "this grey squirrel over here-" He gestured his hand in Suicide's direction. "-is a pretty bad traitor. Blew the livin' fuck out of another guy around here." Suicide's eyes widened, and he frowned angrily.
"Dammit, it was an accident, and you know it!" He exclaimed. Acorn shrugged.
"Whatever." He muttered. Div smiled at Joelk.
"Well, anyway, we're trying to get Suicide's friend back. Apparently, he's locked up-" At this point, Suicide almost corrected him and said "she", but then quickly remembered that Pinéca was in disguise, so he shut up. "-by some of your kind. We're trying to get him back, even though he's prolly a jerk like Suicide here." Div shrugged. Suicide grabbed Div by the shirt collar.
"Take that back!" He hissed. Div grinned slyly.
"What's wrong, lemming? Gonna do to me what you did to that grey squirrel? Well, then, just go ahead! But I assure you that if you do, Smokey, Kent, and Acorn here will rip you limb from limb and feed you to the Tediz. Is that what you want?" He laughed a bit. Suicide frowned and started to shake violently. He drew his gun up to Div's forehead, and was about to pull the trigger, when. . . .
He dropped him.
Suicide dropped Div right on the ground, then fired the shot he was about to use on Div into the air and put his gun away, glaring at him the whole time.
"It was a fucking accident, and if you can't let that go, then I'm sorry. You don't HAVE to supervise me, anyway! I don't NEED supervision! I'm not a child!" He turned away, a look of pure anger and hatred evident on his face. "Oh yeah, and next time you decide to be a smartass, I will pull the trigger." He added, pausing before rejoining Chessut and Div. "Sorry, guys. Please continue." Div stood and dusted himself off with quick, jerky motions.
"I think we should hurry up if we want to save your pal, Suicide." Chessut offered.
"Hey, uhm, Joelk?" Suicide started. Joelk glanced at him. "Do you know anything about a secret passage into your base?" Joelk grinned knowingly.
"I think I know who you're talking about now! The prisoner; the girl, right?" He asked. Suicide slapped himself on the forehead.
"Dammit, no one was supposed about that!" He hissed so that only Joelk could hear. Joelk blushed a bit.
"Eep, sorry." He spoke up a bit so that everyone could hear. "Oops, nope, not her!" He said in a rather artificial-sounding voice. "I mean, uhm, that black-squirrel guy! Right! I forgot that we killed the girl last week! Sorry 'bout that!" He laughed nervously, but everyone bought it. Suicide sighed with relief.
"Yeh, that's the one I mean." He said. Joelk nodded.
"No problem. Follow me, and I'll take you there right now."
"Well, Miss," The Tediz leader hissed with a hint of hatred. "It seems your friend is on his way." Pinéca perked up, then glared at the leader.
"I told you he'd come for me, and he's going to kick your ass!" She snapped. The leader laughed heartily.
"That scrawny little guy, kick my ass? Not going to happen." He laughed and lit up another cigar. "I'm sending my strongest warriors down after your little, eh, boyfriend." He laughed a bit more. Pinéca narrowed her eyes again.
"Boyfriend!?" She said through her teeth. "My boyfriend!? Somehow, I think not, you dirty, overstuffed bag of shit!" The leader laughed.
"You must like him, or you wouldn't be so worried about him!" He observed knowingly. Pinéca blushed slightly.
"You wouldn't know about love, you emotionless jerk, or else you wouldn't be doing this!" The Tediz Leader laughed once more, and shook his head.
"You squirrels never cease to humour me."
The six squirrels and one Tediz walked up through the secret passage very slowly, toting guns and taking extra precautions to make sure they continued alive, and Joelk led them every step of the way. Every so often, a Tediz or two would run down, screaming and yelling, but Joelk would calmly tell the Tediz that the squirrels were prisoners. The Tediz would believe this, until one of the squirrels took their chance at blowing that Tediz's head clear off. Then he wouldn't believe anything ever again.
"Man, I don't know how I can even STAND being one of these filthy vermin." Joelk muttered after awhile. Div laughed a bit.
"Why don't you ask Suicide that question? He'll tell you how you can stand it." He smirked. Suicide simply took a deep breath in, and let it all out slowly.
"I really want to break something right now." He muttered.
"Stop right there!" A Tediz hissed from behind the small group. Everyone spun around, then they realized it was more than just one. There were ten Tediz, fully armed, standing right behind them, pointing their guns. "What are you doing?" Suicide gulped, then thought up a perfect allaby.
"We're just about to commit suicide." He lied, taking a grenade from his arsenal. Everyone looked at him with wide eyes as he pulled the pin, but he hissed something to them. "Run away, hurry!" They did so, and the other Tediz didn't even notice. The grenade ticked away, just waiting to explode, and Suicide backed up rather quickly.
:"I figure I'm going to die by execution by you bastards anyway, so I'd might as well commit suicide now. There's no point in living anymore." He added with a fake sob. Then, he looked at the Tediz, who had a bit of sympathy showing on their faces, then grinned. "Not. Seeya losers!" He tossed that friggin' grenade as quickly as he could, and it combusted right in midair. The explosion was so great, though, that it killed all the Tediz. Suicide scuttled for safety, escaping the blast.
"Hey, that was pretty cool!" Div praised, much to Suicide's surprise. "How'd you know when it was going to explode?" Suicide laughed in reply.
"The Holy Hand Grenade rules, man. 'Thou shalt counteth to 3. Not 2, not 4. 5 is out of the question. Three.'. I did that in my mind, and right before three, I gave the damn thing a really big chuck over there, and here I am now." He laughed. Div shook his head.
"I suppose a traitor who watches Monty Python isn't as bad as he's cracked up to be."
After hours of searching through the secret passage, the group finally arrived at the Casualty Department, where most of the sinister experiments were conducted.
"I'm going to warn all of you now." Joelk began, interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream in the background. He winced a bit. "What you're about to see is not pleasant. It's frightening place in there, and it's definetly not what you'd think to be lovely. Just warning you. This is what we call . . . the Casualty Department." He pushed the big metal doors open, and two Tediz doctors stood there, toying around with a severed squirrel arm.
"What should we do with it?" The Tediz on the right said in its native tongue. He shook up a bottle of poison.
"Let me see that poison. I wanna check something." The one on the left said. Acorn made a face.
"Dude, that's nasty. . . ." He whispered in disgust. "I can't believe they take pride in that sort of thing." Joelk nodded slowly.
"They do this sort of thing all the time. It's like a hobby for them." He sighed. "Well, they've got a prisoner in here named 'Rodent' or something. You guys know him?" Smokey's eyes widened.
"General Rodent? The General Rodent?" He whispered in awe. "The General Rodent that helped bring our last war against the Tediz to victory? The General Rodent who tested out that titanim laminate that everyone wears now? The General Rodent who works for King Conker? That Rodent?" Joelk raised a sewn-on eyebrow.
"Er, I think so, why?" He said, suddenly scared of Smokey.
"DUDE! That guy is my fuckin' hero! He's so small and short, but he and King Conker were the only guys who left the thing virtually unscathed! Plus, he survived a freaking explosion! Rodent rules!" Smokey exclaimed.
"What the hell was that?" One of the Tediz doctors hissed. "It sounds like a squirrel!" They both spun around and glared at the doorway.
"Oh . . . fuck." Suicide muttered.
"What are these squirrels doing here, Joelk?" The first doctor said in his own language. Joelk cleared his throat a bit.
"Uhm, I'm taking them out to be executed." He muttered in the same language. The second doctor grinned and snapped one of his surgical gloves.
"Why don't you let us take care of 'em? Heh heh heh." He laughed, grinning menacingly behind his mask. Joelk laughed a bit.
"AaaahahahahSHOOTTHEMhahahah. . . ." He laughed to the squirrels behind him, who immediately got the hint. They quickly took their guns out, aimed, and fired at the two doctors before they could react. Their heads flew clear off and hit the wall at the end of the room.
"Are there any more?" Acorn whispered nervously. Joelk shook his head.
"I don't think so, but we have to be very careful. Let's go on." He said. The party moved slowly through the room, noticing lava lamps of squirrel body parts like their heads, hands, and feet, floating around inside. Div's white face turned to a queasy green.
"That is damn sick." He muttered. "I think I'm going to puke." He noticed the blood all over the surgery tables, not to mention the fragments of flesh that still remained from previous operations. His foot stepped into a puddle of blood, and he cupped a hand over his mouth. "Guys, I really am going to puke. Be right back." He spun around and ran out the big metal doors. Smokey shook his head.
"Bah, he's not as tough as he thinks he-HOLY FUCK IT'S GENERAL RODENT!" He exclaimed. Everyone looked over in the direction he was looking. There sat General Rodent, uncomfortably seated in an electric chair.
"Uh, hi fellas, can you give me a hand?" He asked.
End of Part 4.
So sorry this one took so long to finish. Well, before I continue with the chapter's usual notes, I have to give my utmost(sp.? ^^;;;) sympathy to everyone who knew someone involved in the events of September 11th. It's an awful tragedy, and I feel guilty writing a story about a war when it's so close to reality, sorry if I've offended anyone by doing so. I'm horribly saddened by the events and I'm just trying to cheer people up a bit with some fanfiction. Writing really helps sometimes. Anyway, I'll continue now with the usual.
Okay, this chapter wasn't MUCH longer than the last one, but it was a BIT longer, I checked :p. And guess what's gonna happen next chapter? Go on, guess! HINT: It has something to do with Pinéca. Oh yeah, sorry about all those boring little paragraphs that had she and the Tediz leader in them ^^;;; I know they sucked, but I had to have a filler in there. Oh yeah, and I'd like to thank Anonymous for the idea for holding the grenade and not letting go till the last second (see: line 119 *for me, anyway*). I melded that in with Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail's Holy Hand Grenade. Hehehe. Anyway, as usual, feel free to send me an e-mail anytime regarding just about anything here. Oh yeah, and next chapter you'll get to see a picture of Suicide, Pinéca, and Pinocco (Pinéca dressed like a dude, for all those who don't know)! See ya next time.