Kurama's New Year's Resolution

by Yoake Hajime

Kurama vows never to think of a certain fire demon *that* way again. Can he really help it though? Hiei/Kurama. Shounen ai.

YYH characters aren't mine so don't sue…blah…blah…blah…  Anyway, I know it's still a looong way off before New Year, but hey, we can't really help it when these ideas come to us, right? Please write me reviews! ^__^

 

Kurama's New Year's Resolution

            I stared blankly at the clean sheet of paper in front of me.  In fact, it seems that I've been staring at it for quite some time now.  Thirty-seven minutes to be exact.  Thirty-seven minutes.  And the clean sheet of paper in front of me is still...well...clean.  I began chewing my pencil again, which by the way, I've been intermittently doing for the last thirty-seven minutes as well. On second thought, make that thirty-eight. Dejectedly, I buried my face in my hands and rubbed my aching temples.

You're not going to get anything done at this rate Kurama!   I mentally scolded myself.  You have got to get into focus right now.  Otherwise, well, otherwise, I don't think you'll ever get into focus!

I let out an exasperated sigh. Okay, maybe I just need a little pep talk.  I stood up from my desk, which by the way, I've been sitting at for the last thirty-eight minutes.  On second thought again, make that thirty-nine.  I started pacing around my room.  I always did my best thinking while pacing.  At least I think I do. Or maybe I'm just too restless to sit still for the time being.  Well, whatever the reason, I just have to get away from the clean sheet of paper that's constantly reminding me how much it's still...well...clean.  Great.  Now I think that even my mind's lost its ability to produce coherent thoughts.

I plopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling.  What's the matter with me today?  It's just a stupid assignment.  Why the heck was I even doing it?  I mean, it's still not due for a couple of weeks.  And besides, where did my teacher get such a weird idea for an assignment anyway?

I propped myself up on my elbows and looked at the notebook sheet tacked to the corkboard above my desk.  I forced myself to get up, and I walked over to the wall, snatching the note from its fastener and sitting down once again at my table. I reread what I had scribbled there for about the hundredth time.

Creative Writing Assignment

State your New Year's Resolution for this year

In the form of a poem

Whoever heard of a poem about someone's New Year's Resolution?  It's not even the least bit motivating to write an essay about.  Much less a poem.  I slouched in my seat.  Why am I complaining anyway?  I asked myself.  I'd still have to do it one time or another.  So what's the point of procrastinating?  Besides, the earlier I get to it, the earlier it gets finished.  Right. I nodded to myself.  I think I actually did a good job of convincing myself to work on such a lame assignment.

I grabbed my pencil and smoothed out the sheet of paper on my desk.  Okay, so what should my New Year's Resolution be?  I wondered.  For a normal person, I guess, thinking of a New Year's Resolution would be easy.  They usually just say that they're gonna start keeping their room clean, stop lying to their parents or start studying harder. 

I tapped my pencil and looked around my room.  Well, my room is already clean, so I can't really use that resolution.  My teacher doesn't really know, but a poem about keeping your room clean is beyond lame.  And a poem about studying harder is hardly inspiring.   I can't really say that I could stop lying to my parents—or parent for that matter. 

I mean, I can't exactly tell kaasan: "Yo, Shiori!  I'm actually a fox spirit named Youko Kurama, who came from the demon world and was once a famous Makai thief, but I entered your womb and got reincarnated as a teenage boy named Shuuichi Minamino.  By the way, I'm also part of the Reikai Tantei, which is a group of spiritual detectives who work for the Spirit World and now, I think that I might actually be in love with my teammate who also happens to be a guy himself.  He's name's Hiei and—"  I stopped in midthought.  Damn, I'm doing it again!  I fell forward on my desk.  The reason why you couldn't come up with anything for the last—I glanced at the clock—fifty-three minutes was because you couldn't get your mind off a certain fire demon.  I mentally scolded myself yet again. Okay, so I managed to cover it up by complaining about homework but my mind still subconsciously goes back to that same damn topic.  The Hiei Topic, to be exact.  The same reason why I had been restless and unfocused for the past few months.  And the same reason why I still don't have a New Year's Resolution. 

Wait a sec.  I raised my head from my desk and sat up on my chair.  That's it.  Maybe I should stop thinking about Hiei.  Maybe I'm not really in love with him after all.  I'm probably just misinterpreting our friendship as something more because we've been spending a lot time together.  After all, we both belong to the Reikai Tantei and we do always get to work on the same mission, right?  Especially the most recent one.  Yeah, I remember.  Koenma paired me up with Hiei and gave us this order to search for a certain youkai in the Makai forests.  We got caught in a fierce thunderstorm so we had to seek shelter in a cave.  Our clothes got wet so we had to take them off and dry them by the fire Hiei had made.  It was perfectly innocent, wasn't it?  I mean, we didn't do anything.  We just talked by the fire, with the flames casting shadows on the cave walls...creating a dream-like atmosphere...highlighting his muscular features...making his crimson eyes seem ablaze...drowning me in them...making me feel light-headed and warm and—Not again!

Okay, there's only one way to get over this.  And that is to stop thinking and start writing.  Uh, can one write without thinking?  Probably not.  In that case, I guess I should only think thoughts that would not make me think about a certain three-eyed demon that way again.  So, in what way exactly, should I think about him?  I chewed my pencil tip again.  Maybe thinking about his negative aspects would turn me off.  I mean, not that he actually does turn me on.  Does he?  I shook my head.  No, of course he doesn't.  That's why I'm getting back to thinking about his negative aspects.  Though, I'm not really sure if he has any.

Dammit, just think.  Okay, um, what was that thing Kazuma always calls him?  Oh yeah, a little shrimp.  I scribbled the phrase down.  Not exactly poetic is it?  Whatever.  I'm just glad that the sheet of paper in front of me is no longer clean.  That's gotta be progress.  On second thought, scratch that.  I drew a line through the phrase.  It doesn't sound like a very good opening.  And it sounds—insulting.  I mean, Hiei would never get to read it anyway.  But it just doesn't seem right to describe him that way.  Oh, why the heck do I care?!

I tapped the pencil impatiently against my desk.  Okay, Hiei's negative aspects.  Um, well, he's a cold-blooded thief and killer, right?  But that was before.  And that was only because he didn't have any family or friends.  Besides, he had no choice.  I mean—Shut up Kurama.   Stop rationalizing and write something down.  So, how exactly do I put that in words, anyway?  Maybe a color to describe his character.  Black, of course.  I scribbled it down on the paper.  Sounds too blunt.  I chewed on my pencil again.  What's another word for black? Hmmm...Oh, I got it.  I rewrote the first line I had written.  Yup, much better.  Okay, so what's next?

Well, for one thing, he's too hot-tempered.  So, he's like um...a fire? a flame? He can't even take a joke at times.  And he hardly ever smiles.  I pouted but scribbled the phrase down anyway.  Come to think of it, he hardly ever smiles at me for that matter.  And he's so moody too.  Why can't I ever have a decent conversation with him without being called a stupid fox?  I don't like being called that.  I mean, I've been called far worse things in the past.  But, well, it's different when it comes from him.  Especially when he's mad.  He's kind of scary when he gets ticked off actually.  He's literally...ablaze.  Hey, that's a nice word!  Better write that down.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  We sometimes get into arguments.  Those are usually the times when I receive his famous...I deepened my voice: "Hn. Kitsune no baka."   He doesn't really mean them though.  At least I hope he doesn't.  And sometimes, it's actually kind of cute when he says that.  Especially the times when I tease him and he starts to blush furiously.  I found myself smiling at the memory.  I leaned back against my chair and put my hands behind my  head.

Actually, it's kind of cute the way he...does everything.  The way, he "Hn's", the way he smirks...Okay, so it's not only cute.  It actually gets me weak in the knees.  And have you seen him without his shirt on?  Especially after a fight.  The way his sweat highlights his muscles, emphasizing the contours on his abdomen...accentuating the rigid physique of his arms...his torso...I began to scribble something on the paper again.  Okay, I admit it the koorime is hot.  And what makes him even more enticing, is that, he is totally oblivious to it.

Well, it seems that he's totally oblivious to everything anyway.  Particularly my feelings.  I mean, in spite of everything, he is my best friend.  And unfortunately, he's also the one who manages to hurt me the most.  I wrote something down, then laid the pencil on my desk.  I hate it when he refuses to talk to me or to even look at me.  Can't he see how much that hurts?  It's like he still hasn't learned to trust me even after all that we've been through.  He still refuses to confide in me or to let me in.  He's still shutting me out...like he does to everyone else.

Does that mean that...I'm just like everybody else?  That I don't mean anything to him?  That I'm no different from the rest?  I slouched in my seat and ran my hand through my hair.  I was feeling this dull ache in my chest again.  The same one I got whenever I thought about this.  Why was I torturing myself?  Why do I waste my time trying to find out if I mean anything at all to such an insensitive jerk?  One who probably won't even care if I exist or not if I wasn't his teammate.  Come to think of it, I'm not exactly sure if he actually cares if I exist or not even though I am his teammate.

Dejectedly, I got up and walked over to my window.  It was open as usual.  I always left it as such in case someone decided to stop by or perhaps to even spend the night when it was too cold to sleep on a tree branch.  I shook my head and smiled in spite of myself.  You really are hopeless, Kurama.  I thought with a sigh.  I already knew all the answers to the questions I had asked myself.  I already knew that the reason I kept on torturing myself and spending all my time moping around was because...I loved him.  I really do love Hiei.  And I know that even if he never feels anything for me, I'll never give up on my feelings for him.

I walked back to my desk and sat down.  I scanned the phrases that I had managed to write down there.  I chewed my pencil then I made a few changes here and there.  Finished, I put my pencil back in its holder then read my work:

Ebony

 The shade of his being

A dark flame  Ablaze

Igniting my passion

Scorching my soul

Yet, if he was night

Eagerly

 I shall embrace the darkness

Though I never see the light

        Not bad.  But not much of a New Year's Resolution either.  Now, I'm just back where I started.  Even worse actually.  Coz now, I've finally admitted my feelings to myself.

            A slight sound made me turn around.  A wonderful mixture of surprise and pleasure filled my senses as I recognized the dark-clad figure who had just entered my window.  A smile automatically formed itself on my lips. 

"Hello Hiei." I greeted the constant subject of my reverie.  "Cold outside tonight?"

"Hn."  Was the only reply I got as he removed his cloak and laid it at one side of my room, together with his katana.  That was a good sign.  It meant that he intended to stay.  I knew he'd make himself comfortable so I turned back to my desk.  Maybe I should start on some calculus instead.

"That's not the only reason."  A low voice behind me suddenly said.

"Excuse me?"  I turned around again.

"I don't want to repeat myself, fox."

"Oh, I heard you Hiei.  I just didn't understand what reason you're talking about."

"Why I came here, baka."

I winced at the remark.  "Well, what is the reason, Hiei?"

He didn't answer.  Oh please, not this again.  I really don't want to go through the entire "something's-bugging-me-that-I-don't-want-to-tell-you" routine again.  But I really can't help it if I care so much about a certain koorime's life that I just have to know what the matter is so...

"Hiei?" I prodded. "Come on, I'm your best friend."

" Though I do wish that I was something more."  I muttered.

He narrowed his brows and I suddenly had the urge to kick myself.  What if he heard that?!

"I talked to Yukina."  He began.  Thank God, he didn't hear that! 

"And?"

"She said something about a stupid ningen practice called a New Year's---"  He paused.  Probably trying to recall the term.

"Resolution?"  Does he really have to remind me about that?

"Yeah, that."

"So what's bothering you?"

"I'm getting to that, fox."

"Ookay."  Of course he's getting to that.  Hiei never likes to be rushed.

"She said that I should try making one too."

I nodded.  "And so?"

"Well I made one." 

That took me by surprise. "You did?"

"Actually, she helped me make one.  And she said that it would be a good thing for me to start doing it as early as possible. So that's the reason I came here."

I knitted my brows in confusion.  "You came here to fulfill your New Year's Resolution?"

He didn't answer but instead walked over to where I was until he was standing over me. Then he fixed his crimson eyes on my own and I felt my heart flutter in my chest. 

"Kurama, I..."  Oh my God, is he going to say what I hope he's going to say?

"I...I..."

"Go on Hiei."   

"I..."

"Yes?"

"Kurama..."  He cleared his throat.  "I'm sorry." 

I raised my eyebrow. What?  "I'm sorry for calling you stupid and for always hurting your feelings."

            That's it?  I forced myself to smile. "It's okay Hiei.  I forgive you.  I always do."  In fact, I forgive you for hurting my feelings just now.

"So, your New Year's Resolution is to start saying 'sorry' to people?"  I asked with a weak laugh.  Coz it feels like I'm about to cry.

Hiei turned around then walked to where his cloak and katana was.

"Not exactly."  He said as he put on his cloak.  He was leaving me.  Again.

"My New Year's Resolution was to start to learn how to apologize to people and to stop hurting them."

He walked over to the window, ready to take flight.  And I felt my heart breaking inside my chest.

"I thought that it would be best to start doing it by saying sorry."

Then he turned his head at me and...smiled? 

"To the one I love."  And with that he disappeared into the night.

Please don't tell me I'm dreaming.  Did Hiei just smile at me?  Did Hiei just say that he loves me?

I slumped back in my chair.  Not from exhaustion though.  I was feeling kind of faint this time.  A stupid grin was plastered on my face and my heart, which was aching just a few moments ago, seemed to have no problem dancing around inside my chest. So he didn't say the words exactly as I hoped he would, but I'm sure I could wrench it out of him someday.  Tomorrow would be fine.  Too bad I didn't get to thank him for his apology.  With a kiss perhaps?  I thought with a smile. 

I stretched my arms over my head.  This day had been exhausting, but I haven't made my resolution yet.  I took out my journal and opened it to a clean page.  Taking a pen from my holder I began to write:

        Earlier today, I made a New Year's Resolution to forget a certain three-eyed fire demon named Hiei.  However, after giving it some thought—well, okay, a LOT of thought, I decided to make a new New Year's Resolution. 

From now on, I'm going to stop making resolutions I can't keep.  That, and perhaps I'll start closing my window after a certain three-eyed fire demon has entered my room.  Just to make sure I get to "thank" him next time.

- owari -