An Utterly Pointless Cliché (well, aren't they all??) Where The Harry Potter Characters Get Drunk And Sing Songs
A/N: Okay, so it's a dumb title. What a way to start a new fic. What's it about? Read and see!
This is my first go at uploading fics in html, so bear with me if things are a bit off!
Disclaimer: all characters belong to j.k. goddess of all things potter, supreme high… yada yada yada… I belong to myself. That's about it!
==============================================
The scene: The Great Hall at Hogwarts, the middle of the night. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and (shock! horror!) Draco Malfoy have been at Hogsmeade, buying Butterbeer. After about, oh, seventy four bottles each, they are only sliiiiiightly pissed (i.e. drunk for those of you who don't know) and since it's the middle of the night they decide what better to do than to sing a song?
(A/N: And… um… I'll use different colours for singing and speaking. Maybe singing will be in blue)
Malfoy: What's better than singing songs?
Hermione: Quite a lot actually.
Ron: Nuclear warfare, the plague, serial killers, blackmail…
Harry: (stubbornly) Let's sing songs!
[Murmured assent]
Ron: What shall we sing?
Hermione: How 'bout "It's A Small World?"
Ron: Well, why not?
[Background music starts up, to the tune of "It's a Small World"]
Malfoy: It's a world of laughter, a world of tears…
Harry: It's a world destroyed in 'bout twenty years
Hermione: It's our world that we share
Ron: And it's not like we care
All: It is our world after all!
Harry: It is our world after all…
Ron: It is our world after all…
Malfoy: It is our world after all…
Hermione: It is our, our world!!
Harry: There is just one moon and a golden sun
Hermione: Which will soon explode and kill everyone
Ron: Really?
Hermione: Of course! In about five billion years the sun will use up its supply of hydrogen and when that happens it will expand, turn red and cool. Of course while this is happening Earth will be burnt to a crisp…
[She pauses long enough to wake everyone up]
Malfoy: We have all done our bit
Ron: To fill this world with (censored)
Hermione: RON!!!
Ron: Huh?
Hermione: Gentlemen do not swear, especially in the presence of ladies!!
Ron: Where's the lady?
Malfoy: Yeah, and while we're at it Weasley here is no gentleman either…
[Hermione wallops them both with an empty bottle of Butterbeer. Harry ignores everyone and keeps singing]
Harry: It is our world after all!!
Malfoy: (dodging Hermione) It's a world of laughter, a world of joy
Harry: It's complete with rubbish and endless noise
Hermione: The ozone has a hole
Ron: So now we're all very cold!!
Hermione: Er… not quite. It's like this…
Malfoy: (very loudly) Yeah, like, whatEVER!!
[Everyone stares at him]
Harry: And it's our world after all!!
Malfoy: It is our world after all…
Ron: It is our world after all…
Hermione: It is our world after all…
All: It is our, our world!!!
Hermione: It's a world of laughter, a world of care
Malfoy: It's our world and it will always be there
Harry: It's our world, we're in luck
Ron: And we don't give a (censored)
Hermione: RON!!!
Malfoy: (sigh) Here we go again…
Harry: (sigh) Ditto that
[Hermione starts lecturing Ron on courtesy and chivalry and all that (censored) Ten minutes later, they recommence]
Hermione: It's a world that's clean, it's a world that's pure
Ron: It's a world that's (censored) up and that's for sure
[Hermione breaks two bottles over Ron's head, unfortunately this time they're full =) she chases him out of the room, whacking him as they go]
Harry: (oblivious) It's our world, that's alright
Malfoy: We can fill it with (censored)
Harry: It is our world after all!!
Malfoy: It is our world after all…
Harry: It is our world after all…
Malfoy: It is our world after all…
Both: It is our, our world!!!!
Harry: I thought you were supposed to be a gentleman
Malfoy: Whatever gave you THAT idea?
Harry: Maybe it was the "my daddy is so rich and I'm so smart and all the girls like me" thing that you do every day.
Malfoy: I do NOT!!!
Harry: Do too.
Malfoy: Do not.
Harry: Do too…
[Background music starts up, this time to a popular Christmas carol, which you will
be able to guess what it is very shortly]
Hermione: (coming back in) On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
Malfoy: You've got one, Mudblood?
Hermione: (dangerously, brandishing the broken bottle) What was that, Malfoy?
Malfoy: (quickly) Nothing, nothing!!
Harry: A bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Hermione: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
Harry: Two magic wands…
Malfoy: Why would you need two? You've already got one, and besides, by the time this song is over you'll have at least thirty of them…
Hermione: Malfoy, can't you count?
Malfoy: (patiently) Granger, I've drunk more alcohol tonight than in all the rest of my life put together, and believe me I've been to some wild parties. My maths is not at its best right now…
Harry: Moving swiftly on…
Hermione: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Malfoy: On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Hermione: Three French quills…
Malfoy: Two magic wands…
Harry: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Hermione: On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Malfoy: Four eagle owls…
Hermione: Three French quills…
Harry: Two magic wands…
Malfoy: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Harry: On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Ron: (coming in) Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Firebolts!
Malfoy: Damn rich true love you got there, Weasley.
Harry: Four eagle owls,
Hermione: Three French quills,
Malfoy: Two magic wands,
Ron: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
(A/N: This might go on for quite some time)
Harry: On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Ron: Six scrolls of parchment…
Harry: Five Firebolts!
Malfoy: Four eagle owls,
Hermione: Three French quills,
Ron: Two magic wands,
All: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Malfoy: On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Hermione: Seven cats a-purring…
Ron: Six scrolls of parchment,
Harry: Five Firebolts!
Malfoy: Four eagle owls,
Hermione: Three French quills,
Ron: Two magic wands,
All: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Malfoy: On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Harry: Eight Fizzing Whizbees…
Hermione: Seven cats a-purring,
Ron: Six scrolls of parchment,
Harry: Five Firebolts!
Malfoy: Four eagle owls,
Hermione: Three French quills,
Ron: Two magic wands,
All: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Ron: On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Malfoy: Nine hotties dancing…
Hermione: MALFOY!!!
Malfoy: Nine gorgeous ladies…
Hermione: MALFOY!!! (waves bottle threateningly)
Malfoy: Okay, okay. Geez, who did you murder to become queen?
Harry: Can you actually send those?
Malfoy: (dangerously) And why wouldn't you be able to send them? When you have money you can do anything…
Harry: Can you fly?
Malfoy: Well, I should say almost anything…
Ron: GET ON WITH IT!!!
Malfoy: Nine Quidditch pitches,
Harry: Eight Fizzing Whizbees,
Hermione: Seven cats a-purring,
Ron: Six scrolls of parchment,
Harry: Five Firebolts!
Malfoy: Four eagle owls,
Hermione: Three French quills,
Ron: Two magic wands,
All: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Harry: On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Hermione: Ten Arithmancy textbooks…
Malfoy: You nerd. Nine Quidditch pitches,
Harry: Eight Fizzing Whizbees,
Hermione: Seven cats a-purring,
Ron: Six scrolls of parchment,
Harry: Five Firebolts!
Malfoy: Four eagle owls,
Hermione: Three French quills,
Ron: Two magic wands,
All: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Malfoy: On the 'leventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Ron: Eleven million Galleons!
Hermione: Ten Arithmancy textbooks,
Malfoy: Nine Quidditch pitches,
Harry: Eight Fizzing Whizbees,
Hermione: Seven cats a-purring,
Ron: Six scrolls of parchment,
Harry: Five Firebolts!
Malfoy: Four eagle owls,
Hermione: Three French quills,
Ron: Two magic wands,
All: And a bag full of Honeydukes sweets!
Malfoy: On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
Harry: Twelve days of Christmas…
All: Just so we can start all over again!!
Hermione: On the first day of Christmas…
[The background music stops abruptly. There is a loud bang, as if some very irate
person has slammed down the lid of the piano on which they were playing the
background music. Yep, you've guessed it…]
Me: (storming out from somewhere) No, you CAN'T start all over again! For one, I've had enough, and I'd like to see you sing without background music!!
Malfoy: My true love gave to me…
Me: On second thought I wouldn't like to see you sing without backing music…
Malfoy: A free trip to Hawaii!!
[I grab the Butterbeer bottle from Hermione and smash Malfoy over the head with it]
Malfoy: Ow (collapses)
Hermione: Why didn't you stun him? It would have been neater.
Me: Do I look like a witch to you?
Hermione: Er… well… no.
Me: (really sarcastic) Ding ding! That's the correct answer, Miss Granger. You have won yourself a lovely stay in the Gryffindor dormitories, where you can sleep it off.
[I try to snap my fingers, then remember from the last cliché that I can't and opt for
clapping my hands instead. Hermione disappears]
Ron: Can I go to sleep, too?
[I clap my hands. Ron disappears]
Harry: And what about…
[Harry disappears]
Me: They are going to have the mother of a hangover tomorrow morning.
Malfoy: (getting up shakily) Are you talking to yourself?
Me: Yes, your point being…?
Malfoy: You're weird.
Me: I get that a lot. To tell you the truth I'm flattered you noticed.
Malfoy: You're weird.
Me: Yes, I think we've been over that …
Malfoy: You're weird.
Me: Broken record much??
Malfoy: You're weird.
Me: Maybe I hit you too hard.
Malfoy: You're…
Me: Weird, yes, cut me some slack already!! Look, you go back to your nice little Slytherin bedroom and sleep, okay?
Malfoy: Good night, Sera.
Me: (waggling fingers) Goodnight, Draco.
[We both disappear, leaving nothing in the Great Hall but scores of empty bottles]
================================================
Like it? Like it? REVIEW!!
(please)
Keep rocking!!
stay cool --Sera