Disclaimer: I own nothing, blah blah blah, you know the drill. I DO own part of this idea, however, the other part belongs to Blue Taboo.
AN: This is a short Shinji POV after 3rd impact fic. Those usually suck, this probably does too, oh well, you'll live. Before you flame me for not making sense, I want to say here and now that Shinji goes insane at the end, the phrases are nonsensical. Okay? Enjoy.
"How disgusting."
The first words spoken in our shattered world. How disgusting indeed. The Evangelions stapled to the crosses like plastic Christs. Misato's own cross, stapled to a damn post like a shrine. I can see Asuka's face; her usual look of contempt. That girl has no feelings, she is devoid of a soul. Perhaps I am also. I look around me, and nothing stirs emotion. The initial outburst had been of confusion, and now, nothing. There is nothing left of our world, only two cursed, soulless creatures, damned to survive and exist in this wretched portrait of humanity.
I feel a breeze blow through me, as if someone is whispering into my soul. But I have no soul, and the breath of air bounces around as it looks for somewhere that will absorb it. Asuka notices nothing, her hair does not even stir in this chilling wind. I glance over the waves of LCL lapping at my feet and realize some charred pages from a book have blown to me. Asuka says nothing as I gingerly pick them up, only giving me a disapproving glare. I know she wants to read them, I know she thinks I'm not worthy enough, but I don't have to bow to her any more.
The papers are hard to read, many of the words burned beyond recognition, but some are legible.
"I am afraid that when I get there I will find you different from what I would like you to be and you will find me different from what you would like me to be. I am afraid-"
Shinji looked between the man sitting in the office above and the hideous machine in front of him. He just couldn't pilot that… horrible thing. He watched the flicker of disappointment flash across his father's face before he called in Rei. Shinji felt like scum. He had let his father down. He had hoped he had changed, he had hoped both of them had changed enough so that they could be father and son again.
I shiver, these words strike so close to home. I read on, morbidly curious about the mysterious author who wrote these eerie words.
"Then the ---- angel poured out his bowl on ---- Darkness fell over the--- kingdom and people---- because of the pain--"
The Sea of Durac appeared out of nowhere. Unit 01 began to sink, and Shinji screamed in terror. Asuka and Rei were powerless to help the vanishing Eva. They watched in horror as the Third Child was swallowed whole into that void of darkness. Finally, nothing was left of Unit 01 or Shinji, his transmissions could no longer be received. They took him for dead. The pain was unbearable, the thought that someone so close could be gone so easily, so ungracefully.
Memories bombard my senses as these words come alive. I feel a small stirring, deep within, like a small fire that had been dully burning had suddenly been stirred with a poker. The more I read, the more the tiny fire begins to grow. It feels so right, but it hurts. It is pain, it is understanding and I can't help but read on.
"Then I saw what looked like a sea of glass mixed with fire------------The water became like the blood of a dead person, and every living creature in the sea died."
Shinji felt like he was drowning. He was surrounded in a sea of LCL. Only he and Rei were there, alone, all alone. Nothing was alive. Was he dead? No, he wasn't dead, he was in denial of reality. LCL… blood… it always smelled like blood…
I look over the ocean of angel blood. The setting sun set the waves afire. A sea of glass, mixed with fire. Blood of a dead angel. Every living creature is in that ocean, dead. Nothing is living. My throat clenches as I think about Misato, Kensuke, Toji, everyone who ever lived. They're all gone and they aren't coming back. Not wanting to get emotional again, I quickly look back to the pages.
"---we shall all be changed in an insant, as quickly as the blinking of an eye--"
"Ritsuko!! Ritsuko! RITSUKO!" Maya's anguished voice called out an instant before she was suddenly dissolved into that hated goop.
Misato collapsed on the ground in pain and a violent explosion rocked the ground. Her blood spattered cross clutched tightly in Shinji's hand.
Commander Ikari pulls out a gun and points it at a smiling Ritsuko. A shot rings out and she falls into a pool of LCL.
One by one everyone Shinji has cared about vanish into pools of LCL.
I feel a wetness on my cheeks. I must be crying again. The saltiness of my tears leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I am bitter, bitter over the soul I don't have, bitter over how powerless I am. I've never had power, I never will. I'll never be able to control my life. Some has always controlled it for me. My birth was controlled. My life was controlled. My life is controlled. My death will be controlled. I could not control my friend's deaths. Because of my lack of control, they died… because of me. I must continue to read, I must, to get control.
"I am the first and the last. The beginning and end."
Shinji stands at the train station, waiting for Misato to pick him up. He glanced down the street and a shimmering image of Rei appears, then disappears as quickly as it came.
Shinji lies on the beach looking dully over the sea of blood, a shimmering image of Rei vanishing in the blink of an eye.
That small fire within me rages up. I see the truth. Theses pages, these… prophecies. Father, son, spirit. Me, father, Rei. Mother and the angel, combined, something divine. The trinity. I understand, I understand completely. I stand up and brush the sand from my clothing. The sea, blood, so inviting, so intoxicating. I'm coming, mother, Rei, Misato. I'm coming to join you. I vaguely hear Asuka's voice calling to me, I ignore her. Wetness, my feet are wet. I must be in the blood. My blood. God's blood. I keep walking until I can walk no more. Floating, my world is a flood, slowly I become one with the blood. My mouth opens as my last breath escapes me, my fire releasing into the eternity. Finally, I belong. Finally…
I, death hath become.