Dilandau Under
By Draquonelle
and The Lauderdale
Rated PG-13: Deals with drugs, and certain sexual positions *evil grin*
("Drugs are bad, um-kay?")
*****************
This is Draquonelle's RL friend
Lauderdale, posting a horrible piece
of drivel we wrote together. It was born from an unfortunate
discussion we had recently about having your wisdom teeth pulled, and
what horrible things you might say under the influence of
painkillers.
Draquonelle: And don't forget
the caffeine, Lauderdale!
The conversation worked around
to what Dilandau might say if he was
put under. So here goes.
Dilandau Under
The generals of Zaibach had
called an emergency congress to discuss
the most recent problem with Dilandau. General Zodia pounded his
fist on the table. "I've had enough of this. Dilandau is out
of
control! He must be stopped! He had one of his men hack into the
system and play nothing but "Teletubbies" over every view screen in
my ship."
"Well, at least he didn't
kill your Tomagachi," said General
Adolphus, pointing his finger at Zodia. Then he collapsed to his
knees. "Poor, poor Tomagachi...."
Strategos of Zaibach, Folken de
Fanel, Traitor of Fanelia, sat with a
bemused look of bemusement on his face. The General of the Iron
Force looked at him accusingly. "In fact, your ship is the only one
he hasn't painted pink and red. I mean, pink and red! That's just
wrong." He shivered. "How do you control him?"
"Simple," Folken
said. "I let him destroy my homeland in a fiery
blaze and develop a pseudo-sexual violent obsession with my brother.
That keeps him too preoccupied to mess with my stuff."
"Poor poor Tomagachi,"
Adolphus continued to whimper.
The others ignored him.
"By Harry, I've had enough! It's time to
take measures into our own hands. But how! We should ask for advice
from the Emperor."
"That guy? Man, he's
always talking about mystical destiny. I'm
starting to think he doesn't know what he's talking about. And he's
always calling Van Fanel the "Draagonnn."" The general
fluttered his
fingers exaggeratedly in a creepy way.
"And he always sounds like
he's stoned," agreed Zodia.
Suddenly they gasped.
"Hey! Stoned! That's it!" All of the
generals started talking at once.
Adolphus stood up.
"Yes! We will use the techniques of modern
sorcery to control his erratic and cute behavior. That way we will
have a perfect killing machine in our war for the rebirth of Gaea."
Everyone nodded.
"Uh hum, but, um...drugs is
bad, um-kay...." said Folken. He shook
his head rapidly. "I mean—" he coughed. "We have no
idea what
effect drugs will have on his system. It could shatter his already
fragile soul and set him into depths of depravity unknown even to us!"
They looked at him
blankly. Then Zodia shouted, "All in favor of
morphine, raise your hands!"
Folken did along with the rest
of them, looking surprised at
himself. "That was unintentional! Stupid mechanical voting
glitch...." He poked at the mechanisms in his arm.
"And all in favor of
letting Folken take the fall if he goes nuts,
say Aye!"
"Aye!"
"Aw nutbunnies,"
muttered Folken.
It took a lot of effort to
actually tie Dilandau down. He was live,
cunning and brutal. So it took the promise of ice cream to get him
into the infirmary. He looked at a tongue depressor
forlornly. "Hey, someone ate it all!"
Folken picked shards of broken
glass out of his hair as the drug was
administered to the psychotic devil boy. "Now count backwards from a
hundred."
"99... 98... this is
silly... 96... 96....96.... 69." The Dragon
Slayer began sniggering. "69. 10... 9... 8 -4 3 2 1.
69."
Folken stared.
"69?"
"You know what 69
means?" Dilandau asked. He shook his wrist and
poked his inner cheek with his tongue, like any stupid 15 year old
pretending to give oral sex. "69, is 96..."
"Oh dear."
"Have you ever 69 somebody,
Volgum?"
The cat twins, who were as usual
in attendance on Folken, looked at
their lord.
"How is that any of your
business, Dilandau?" asked Folken, kind of
scared.
"Okay okay. Forget
it. Man you know who I'd like to see?"
"Oh god."
"I would like to see your
brother. I want to see your brother
without his clothes on."
"What?" Folken
face-faulted. That's triple alliteration.
"Van.....
VaaaaaAAAAHHHnn. Yeah. I want to see his body. I wanna
see his guts."
"Dilandau," Folken
began.
"Van is-Van is hot. I
wanna..."
"Dilandau, you
can't..."
"What he's not? He's
got feathers and he is soooo hot." Dilandau
took off his frock coat. "It's hot. I'm hot when I think
about
Van. I wanna kiss his head. I want his heart."
Folken winced.
"I wanna look at his
heart. I betit's really really big. Big big
heart. You know what FVolgum."
Folken re-buttoned Dilandau's
frock-coat.
"I think your brother is
sexy. I wanna see his body. I wanna see
his organs. I wan his wanna his blood. Cause he will have sexy
blood."
"Sexy... Oh my god.
Dilandau, keep that buttoned!"
"I want to get his sexy
blood," Dilandau said. "Seck-see blooood."
Dilandau fell off of the examining table and laughed. "If you can
have lucky blood why can't you trade sexy blood. And I'll get all
the sexy blood in the world."
"Yes." Folken
nodded, humoring him.
"And Van has it."
"Yes." Folken cleared
his throat. "My brother has all the sexy
blood."
"Sexy Blood, Sexy
Blood! Sexy Blood!"
Folken looked at the cat twins'
reaction as Dilandau walked on the
table and sang an extemporaneous tune about Van Fanel's Sexy Blood.
Which almost culminated in a rather tasteless strip tease.
"No no. No...
oooooh. Fvolgun psss. Hey come here."
"Yes, Dilandau."
"Oh I forgot. That
they have sexy cat blood. Cat Blood."
Eriya and Narya were all too
aware that Dilandau was talking about
them. They looked balefully at the inebriated bishounen.
"Hmm. How we going to
get the cat blood?" Dilandau scratched his
head.
Folken pointed at the girls and
indicated Dilandau's mental state.
Dilandau clapped his
hands. "I got it. Folken. You get a piano.
And I'll cover myself in catnip."
"Oh, catnip."
Folken nodded.
"Yeah No. Listen I get
covered in catnip and when they come You drop
the pye yano on their heads."
"Perhaps we shouldn't kill
the twins—they are..."
"See I get all the sexy
blood. And I put the cat blood in the cat
jar. And it will have a little kitty on it. And I'll put the sexy
blood in the Van Jar..."
"Of course. Because
he has all of the sexy blood," Folken said. He
was beginning to follow Dilandau's reasoning, which scared him more
than anything had ever scared him before in his life.
"Yeah. Fvolgen. Then
after Fvolgun drops the pye yano. I'll get the
Fvolgum blood."
"Um, Dilandau-san, I can
hear you." Folken waved at him.
"But where are you gonna
put the Fvolgum blood."
"Um, Dilandau. I'm
right...."
"We can't put it with the
sexy blood. No. He's not sexy."
Folken whimpered.
"I'm not sexy?"
Dilandau realized he was being
heard. "Uh oh." He covered his mouth.
"Okay, but what do you mean
I'm not sexy?" Folken persisted.
"Oh no no no no.
fVulgum. You are man. You are... it's just. I have
to keep the Van sexy blood in the Van sexy blood jar and the cat
blood...
"In the cat blood
jar."
"And see the Folken blood
goes in a bottle. It's a pretty bottle.
For pretty pretty Folken. Because Folken is pretty. And you know
how I'm going to tell it apart from the others."
"You think I'm
pretty?" Folken decided he was flattered.
"I'm going to put it on the
top of the thing... and I'm gonna paint a
tear drop on it."
Ryuugekitai (the cool name for
the Dragon Slayers that I stole from
The Scar) came out of the showers, ready to go to sleep. When, just
then, into the locker room came Dilandau in full armor. The Dragon
Slayers panicked and tried to throw on their towels.
"Dragon Slayers!
Attention."
The Dragon Slayers hesitated for
a second. If they dropped their
towels....
"I thought I told you to go
into attention."
The Dragon Slayers paused and
then gulped and went into attention.
The towels came a-tumblin' down.
Dilandau laughed hysterically.
Eriya passed out from
lust. Folken was about to enter the room, but
Narya spun him around and covered his eyes. "Hey, I can't see
anything," Folken said.
"Okay everybody. Get
dressed in five minutes."
"Oh, that was
mature." Narya clawed at Dilandau. "Nice prank."
"What happened?" asked
Folken plaintively.
"He gave them a
laxative—now forget about it, Folken-sama, you're
mine!" She put him in a headlock.
***
In the Dragon Slayers meeting
area, they assembled very nervously.
"Hi Guys. I feel
really great."
Folken ran behind Dilandau,
trying to stop him from talking to his
troops in this state. Eriya and Narya were only too glad to join him.
"I'm just here talkin' to
my Dragon slayers. Chesta getup here.
You..." Dilandau glowered as menacingly as he could in this
state. "I'm gonna smack you."
Chesta crept up out of the
line. He trembled. He closed his eyes and
winced.
Dilandau threw his arms around
Chesta and kissed him on the nostril
and fell over laughing. "I smacked ya. Smack." He smacked
his
lips.
Guimel trembled with surprised
laughter.
"Oh oh. Guimel come
here. Yeah... Guimel. You want to be
smacked?" Dilandau puckered his lips.
Guimel squinched his face and
puckered out his lips, trembling.
Dilandau backhanded him. "See you thought I was gonna kiss
you." He
grabbed Miguel. "Kiss you." He smooshed Miguel's face
between his
hands and pinched his cheeks. "See my men are the best. You
guys
the best. That's what you are...."
Miguel smiled kawai and stuck
his tongue at the other Ryuugekitai.
"See Miguel would never
ever tell anybody what we do. He would never
told a soul about that time when we were in the kitchen-"
"Dilandau!" Miguel
shrieked.
"Cause he is a smar
guy. He knows stuff. And he knows if anyone
ever found out about that time I drank that sherry out of his navel.
He knows I would kill him."
"Dilandau, stop talking, I
don't want to die!" Miguel tried to cover
Dilandau's mouth.
Ronal looked angry.
"You cannot be serious. Chicken-legged
kidnapped boy."
"Kidnapped Boy?"
exclaimed Miguel.
"Dilandau is mine
BIOTCH!" Ronal clawed at Miguel's face.
The cat twins sat on the
steps. "Whoa, kinky. Human Fight!" Narya
whistled.
"But Dilandau only cares
about me," Viole said. "He said my name is
so pretty."
Gatti spoke up, "But why
wouldn't Dilandau like me? He bitches me
around more than you."
"No way, I am way more Uke
than you! And I'm the only one shorter
than him," Chesta piped and jumped on Gatti's back and tried to
strangle him.
Guimel and Dallet were in a
gratuitous hair-pulling eye-gouging
sequence, like in a "bad women in prison" movie. Even the
oblivious
Folken-sama was getting a nosebleed as clothing was spontaneously
thrown into hammerspace. (Well, at least the shirts....)
The cat twins are running out of
popcorn and whip cream, watching all
the hot bishounen (shirtless) cat-fight and call each other names,
like "cock tease," "ho bag," "hoochie" and
"mattress back." (Lucky
kitties...cats get all the fun....)
Dilandau used Guimel as a
soapbox and spread his arms to make an
announcement. "Stop fighting you guys."
And to the author's dismay, all
the Dragon Slayers stopped fighting
and looked at Dilandau.
"Cause you think I'm big
and scary, but I'm not. I am a very
sensitive human bean. I have levels. I don't like t'be mean and
cranky. I am a nice guy." He jumped off of Guimel's
head. "I'm a
real sensitive human bean. I have a very strong... strong febinine,
side."
Folken stared.
Jajuka burst into the room,
dressed in his dark green bathrobe. "Oh
for chrissakes. Dilandau, noooooo!"
"I have a very strong
feminine febibum side. It's like I have a
woman inside of me."
Folken bit his finger, to
prevent from sinking into the ground with
embarrassment. Eriya and Narya were laughing histerically.
"I have a beautiful woman
inside of me just trying to get out."
Jajuka headed towards Dilandau
and tried to cover his mouth. "No
no. Not yet. You can't-"
Folken and the Dragon Slayers
stared at Jajuka. "Jajuka, what are
you doing here?"
Jajuka straightened his
robe. "I heard Dilandau was in trouble so I
rushed over here. I didn't even have time to dress or get a Milkbone
or anything."
Dilandau was now talking to
Narya. "So I'll get the Van sexy blood,
and the kitty blood and then the Folken pretty blood. In the
bottle."
"You will not hurt
Folken." Narya said, taking out her honka-big
blaster.
"Why don't you just go get
the woman inside of you to go and seduce
Folken?" Eriya laughed.
"No. No one can have
Folken." Narya pointed the blaster at her
sister.
Eriya was startled. She
chibified and started waving her hands
frantically. "I was just kidding, take a chill pill!"
"Sorry, I had too much
catnip."
Dilandau whimpered. "But I need his pretty blood."
Jajuka yanked Dilandau away from
Narya. "Jajuka. I Jajuka." The
boy glomped onto his friend. "Who's my puppy puppy Jajuka? You
can
help me get the blood."
"The blood?"
"The Van Sexy blood, and
the kitty blood and the Folken pretty blood."
Jajuka crossed his eyes.
"I have a college degree. I could be
working in real estate. Instead I decide I want to take care of
this...Come on, Dilandau, lets—"
Dilandau hugged him.
"I wanna get a pink ribbon."
"And strangle me?"
Jajuka asked. He could only hope it wasn't what
he thought it was.
"No I wanna tie it around
your neck and..."
"Oh please say you want to
kill me..."
"I wanna braid your
hair."
Folken passed out from a brain
hemorage into Narya's lap. She looked
furtively and hiked Folken over her shoulder.
"Hey. Bring him
back!" exclaimed Eriya.
Jajuka sat down.
So Jajuka let Dilandau braid his
hair for a half an hour. Narya did
not get her claws into Folken. She was stopped by the author who got
the cat to settle for a tasteful kiss on the cheek as she put him to
bed, then beating the crap outta Eriya for threatening to sell Folken
to Dilandau.
Eriya, after getting a black
eye, did manage to get back just after
Jajuka got braided by Dilandau-sama. She never realized a canine
could look that kawaii with dreadlocks but that's another story. So
the moral of the story is: Being a cat is way cool by me, even if you
are all insane and angsty and an oppressed minority in Zaibach. And,
mmhmm, drugs is bad, um-kay?
