Yet, now as she stood above me, although a tiny figure on a shelf, the memories came screaming back, breaking the dam that held them at bay.
I remembered the first time she entered my life. It was when the janitor gave the tiny prayer card to us, telling us that she would protect us. She was beautiful to me, since the only women I saw at Manticore were either hard-nosed drill sergeants or ones behind medical masks. From that time on, we believed that she was our protector from the nomlies, our goddess, our savior.
Eventually, the enthusiasm wore off as most of us realized that she wasn't coming to help us. We were basically stuck there in the day to day itinerary of march and kill. But, Ben couldn't forget her. He was more than attracted to her-he worshiped her. And I never could fully understand why.
The last time I saw the Blue Lady was right before the escape. I had organized my troops in our sleeping quarters as we huddled together, sorting out plans. Ben was off by himself, staring out the large windows. I approached him to make sure he was coming; I wouldn't be responsible for any soldiers left behind.
"What are you doing?" I asked him.
"Praying."
"Praying?" Nobody at Manticore had ever taught us to pray. Soldiers, the strong ones, aren't supposed to pray. It was a sign of weakness, putting your life in someone else's hands.
"Yes, to her," Ben replied, looking up at me.
"What can she do?"
"She'll help us."
"She's never helped us before," I spat angrily. I couldn't have him going into his meditations when I needed him to be most alert.
"You've never tried-have you?"
"Tried what?"
"Praying to her."
"Don't be a fool."
"You should try, Zack, you should. It can't hurt-can it?"
Reluctantly, I sat down beside him on the hard cot as we looked out over the snow-covered lawn. The snow was going to be cold, I realized. But coldness could not affect us; we would be unstoppable.
"Zack?"
"What?"
"See?" Ben asked, pointing to the back of the prayer card. "You read this to yourself and ask for her help." He handed me the prayer card, and I read it. "Now ask for her help."
"But-" I began.
"Just do it," he told me. Silently, I asked the Blue Lady for her help for the escape that night.
Perhaps she really had helped us that night, I wasn't sure. But now, as knelt, nearly cowering beneath her, as Carly called my name, I felt the prayer return to me. Surprisingly, I hadn't forgotten it in eleven years.
Would it help us now? Damn…where was Ben's encouragement when I needed it most?