The Best Present
(~Another Lunch Table fic, for Alma's birthday!)
"Oh, Re-leeeeeeeeeeeeeee-naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Relena jerked up, blinking rapidly.
"Uhn? Mmh? Huh?"
"You were sleeping," Duo said helpfully. Relena nodded weakly.
"Chem... test... unh...." Her head flopped back down. Duo tried to kick at her, but Dorthy pushed the table slightly so that the nice big metal table leg came in direct contact with his toe.
"OW!" Duo pulled his foot up into his lap, rocking back and forth, "That hurt, you dirty little BITCH!"
"Hey, Relena!" Relena's head snapped up as a hand landed on her shoulder.
"Lawsuit..." she mumbled. Mr. Borrsich, math teacher and imbecile extraordinaire, pulled his hand away.
"I heard it was your birthday today!" the fake, pathetic smile never fell from his face, "I hope you have a great one, Relena!" Relena buried her face in her arms.
"Go jump off the roof," she mumbled. Mr. Borrsich blinked.
"Excuse me?"
"I said, that's very nice of you," Relena answered.
"Oh. Thank you, Relena!" he started whistling and wandered away to wreak more havoc... without realizing it...
"I hate that man."
"Happy Birthday, Relena!" Duo grinned, tossing her a brightly wrapped package. It hit her in the head and bounced off to land in the center of the table. "Open it, open it!"
"Wait, lemme get my camera..." Quatre leaned over and dug through his backpack, "Aha! Here it is!" He pulled out his little green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles camera, smiling.
"What the fuck is that?" Duo asked. Quatre kicked him under the table.
"A camera. Obviously," he muttered. Duo snickered as Relena tore the obscenely happy looking paper from a black clothing box.
"Do I want to know what's in here?" she mumbled. Duo grinned.
"Hee-chan helped me pick it out. It's just so very not-you, so we HAD to get it." Relena pulled the top off the box.
"What that *FUCK* is this... thing?" She asked, pulling out a flimsy piece of red fabric with mild distaste. "It's... DUO!"
"I thought you'd like it, Relena-chan!"
"Smile!" Quatre took a picture of Relena's embarassed glare, her face nearly the color of the lingerie she held up. The shimmery red skirt was hemmed with red sequins, and attached to the back was a short sequin-covered devil's tail. It came with a sequined bra and a headband with sequined horns attached. Duo had thoughtfully added a bright red thong in the bottom of the box.
"See, Dorothy? It's a present for you, too!" Duo laughed.
"What makes you think I plan on wearing this?" Relena muttered. Dorothy leaned over and pinched her behind.
"You'll wear it, and you'll like it."
"Dory!"
"Happy Birthday, Relena," Heero said quietly, pushing a small bag across the table towards her. Relena stuffed the naughty lingerie back in the box and reached into the bag. She pulled out a small bottle.
"....chocolate body paint?"
"That sounds FUUUUUN...." Dorothy snickered.
"Duo picked it out," Heero said. Relena kicked Duo under the table.
"DUO...."
"Happy Birthday, Relena!" Quatre said cheerfully, handing her another bright box.
"I'm absolutely overflowing with joy," she grumbled, tearing at the box, "Oh, wow, it's... it's... oh my god! Quatre! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she shrieked, pulling a little blue rubber horse out of the box.
"What the..."
"It's a My Little Pony, Duo," Quatre explained, "I saw it online and thought she'd like it."
"Oh, I used to have this when I was little!" she cooed, petting the creatures bright blue hair. "I had tons of them!"
"Don't remind me," a sarcastic voice drawled behind her, "They were always all over my floor."
"Only because you put them there, Zechsy," Relena grinned. Her brother dropped a box in front of her.
"Happy Birthday, baby sister," he laughed.
"Bite the bullet and go screw your boyfriend, Zechs," she scoffed, pulling at the wrapping on the box.
"Don't mind if I do!" he said, flipping his hair over his shoulder, "Bye bye, boys and girls!" He winked at Duo, "And I will see YOU later, flyboy."
"DUO....." Heero growled. Zechs walked away, laughing wickedly.
"Honest, Hee-chan, I don't know WHAT he's talking about..." Duo said, nervously.
"Sex with animals is boring." Relena muttered in disbelief. The rest of the table turned to stare at her.
"Is that so, Rena?" Dorothy asked. Relena held up on of the bumper stickers from the box.
"According to this, yes. Oh, and Normal People Worry Me, Men Shouldn't Talk, and..." She held one sticker up in Duo's face, "YOU! Off my planet!"
"Not funny." Duo muttered. Relena giggled.
"I found it rather amusing."
"Happy Birthday, Relena," Trowa handed her long white box, "Quatre picked it."
"Ooh, I wonder what it is!" She tore the box open, "Ooooh! A Rainbow Brite t-shirt! I loved that show!"
"I like rainbows," Dorothy snickered. Relena kicked her under the table, "Hey, at least I have pride. Bitch."
"I have pride." She put the shirt in the big bag beside her, where Dorothy had ever so thoughtfully tossed her previously opened presents, "I'm just not loud and obnoxious like you."
"Bite me!"
"Happy Birthday, Relena," Wufei said, pushing a box across the table as far as he could with Meiran in his way. "Onna, do you HAVE to sit on my lap?"
"Let me think," Meiran thought, "Mmm... yes." She pushed the box the rest of the way, "It's a joint present, Rena-chan," she smiled warmly, "Hope you like it!"
"I'm afraid... I'm very afraid..." The box was the same size as Duo's had been. "If this is more lingerie, I swear..."
"It's not!" Meiran laughed, "I tried to get Wufei into Fredrick's, but he wouldn't budge.
"Onna..."
"My name is MEIRAN. Say it, Mei-ran. C'mon, be a big boy."
"Absolutely not. And Quatre, take your hand off my leg."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Quatre said, not sounding very convincing, "I didn't know that was YOUR leg."
"Oooh!" Meiran bounced in her seat, much to Wufei's chagrin, "I just had a wonderfully WICKED idea. Quatre, when's your last class?"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Wufei roared. Meiran clapped her hand over his mouth.
"My last class ends at four... why?" he wagged his eyebrows.
"Well, Trowa and I need to plan for our Anthro project, and I don't want Wufei to be bored..." Wufei wriggled around, attempting vainly to free himself, "Are you up to keeping him... occupied?"
"Oh, I'm sure I'll think of... SOMETHING..." Quatre grinned. Trowa's eyes went wide.
"Excuse me?"
"Meiran's feeling amorous..." Dorothy muttered, "Why does Unibang Boy get all the luck?"
"Next month, Dorothy, next month." Meiran smiled.
"ONNA!" Wufei hollered.
"Oh, you know you love it."
"This is gorgeous!" Relena cooed, standing up to pull a long silk dress from the box, "I love it!"
"I thought you might," the Chinese girl laughed. Wufei growled and bit her shoulder, "Not NOW!"
"Good. I can wear this to the dance next week," Relena grinned, holding the dress up in front of her. It was made of shimmery red silk, twisting gold dragons wrapping around the waist and trailing down the leg. The slit up the side and the collar were trimmed with more gold, and bright red jewels were scattered randomly over the soft fabric. "Now all I need are shoes!"
"There's some jewelry still in the box," Meiran reached over and pulled out a dragon pendant, along with a pair of matching earrings and lacquered chopsticks, "You can probably find nice shoes in the mall."
"I like the mall," Relena folded the dress up and stuffed it back in the box, "This is absolutely wonderful. Thank you, guys! Thank you all!" She stood up, bag in hand, and bowed politely, "And now, since I have no more classes, I shall be going."
"But you didn't get your present from Dorothy!" Duo protested. Dorothy winked.
"That's because she gets it... LATER." Relena pulled Dorothy's hair.
"You're sleeping on the couch."
"You wish." Dorothy chased her out of the cafeteria, laughing. "You didn't MEAN that, did you?" Relena glanced at her from the corner of her eye.
"Maybe... oof!" Dorothy pushed her up against the wall, eyes dark.
"Damnit, Relena, don't fuck with me," she growled. Relena dropped her bag and threw her arms around Dorothy's neck.
"I'm not, Dory," Relena whispered, "Honest, I'm not... besides," she giggled against her lover's neck, "UNlike Meiran, I can control my hormones." Dorothy snickered and pulled back, fumbling in her pocket.
"Yeah... here's your present..." Dorothy mumbled, staring at the floor, as she handed Relena a little black velvet ring box. Relena opened it with little trepidation.
"Dory.... Dorothy..." Relena looked up from the box, "This is your class ring..."
"Will you wear it?"
"Of... of course I'll wear it!" She pulled it from the box, and Dorothy grabbed her hand.
"May I?" she asked. Relena nodded slightly as Dorothy slipped the antique-looking band on her ring finger. "Ai shiteru..." she whispered. Relena glomped onto her.
"AI SHI-TE-RUUUUU!"
"Relena... urk... you're strangling... me....!"
"Quatre! Not NOW!" Relena looked over Dorothy's shoulder, where her seemingly-angelic friend was shoving Wufei towards the bathroom. "She said *LATER*, not NOW!"
"But *I* am horny NOW, and I might not be horny *LATER* so YOU will just have to cooperate!"
"But... but..."
Dorothy laughed, pulling Relena off towards the dorms, "Now, about that outfit..."
"Why, Dory, are *YOU* horny NOW?" she laughed. Dorothy raised a forked eyebrow in her direction. "But you said *LATER*!"
"Don't you start," Dorothy poked her in the side," Happy Birthday, Rena-chan." Relena smiled.
"Thank you."