Shades of feelings my heart denies
Bathing in shadows, in the eyes of lies
My glowing future now these embers fed
Uncanny restlessness - but ask me what I've learned...
If this is real well it feels like Hell, yes it feels like Hell
Gods and angels and devils smile
Stare into our crying eyes
Fire in anger and hate beguile
Stare into your heart tonight
-Heaven's Gaze, Cruxshadows
"Superstitions and demons are things of the past"...."Your
time is over"..."We don't need such things anymore"....
It's all well and good to say that when facing
down the demon that's just been tormenting a friend, but there's just one
thing that makes those words seem so hollow in retrospect.
Who don't you need?
Golden eyes just behind my own. The
only way we've been able to face the demons on their own terms. I
haven't even been aware of Helios for that long, and it's still become
strong enough that I can almost feel the fur under my own skin, the ears
ticking back in discomfort, the long tail lashing out behind me.
Hearing the voice is just another part of the whole schizophrenic package.
He's me and not me, and I've learned that just because he's a fragment
of my own soul, doesn't mean he can't kibitz.
The colors have returned to the building;
the black and white, drained world of Shiki only seemed to emphasize the
view through blood red lenses. It's a comfort to be back in the real
world, back where logic is supposedly in some twisted degree of control,
or at least back where there's something familiar.
Logic doesn't explain what's been happening
since the Joker arose.
The cat has a point...I can't say logic or
reality has anything to do with being back in the normal world anymore...I
suppose the only difference, really, is that back in Shiki's world, we
were at the mercy of whatever twisted plans the demon cat had for us, while
here, the playing field is a little more level. Neither side really
has control of the board.
We're falling behind the others; it'd be
unwise to be caught alone in a place like this. They've gotten
ahead of me; Amano-san's taken the lead, watching the path carefully while
glancing behind to check on the rest of us now and then. Kirishima-san's
not far behind, still rattled severely by the visions that chased us in
Shiki's nether-realm; Serizawa's trying to talk her out of the funk, ever
a blaze of energy. And Baofu -
(a soft padding in the shadows, a quiet
aura just left, Odysseus's arrogant, knowing smile under dark lenses watching
imperceptibly)
Has fallen back, and is walking right next
to me.
"So, mankind has no need for anything that
doesn't fit into a neat scientific package, eh?" His head's cocked
away, and he's watching me from under the side rim of impossibly dark lenses.
How he can wear those indoors all the time and still see, I'll never understand.
He has that same smirk that never seems to leave his face unless things
go hideously wrong, or unless he decides it's safe to drop one layer of
the endless facade and brood. More masks than a Joker. I just
try to focus on Serizawa's heels clicking irritably on the hard tile floor.
"I'm not going to let you pretend to ignore
me that easily. You're too damn obvious, Suou; you can't look up
at someone, glower, and concentrate on the floor harder without letting
them know you've noticed them. Besides, you project; any idiot with
a strong persona could read you, even if you did manage to hide any visible
reaction."
(ears laid flat against skull, tail whipping
around legs) "Playing the devil's advocate again?"
A shrug, and a slight cynical widening of
that bloody smile. (Odysseus adjusts the sword slung over one
shoulder) "Hell, someone has to follow justice-types like you around
and keep you honest when you start getting hypocritical, and I don't see
anyone else here." On that last comment, he turns to glance behind
and around, as if emphasizing the point.
"I have a good guess of where you're going
with this, but go ahead and explain it anyway; I'd like to make sure before
I respond."
"Hmph. Point in your favor on that;
the fewer assumptions, the better." He's watching me for any reaction;
I'm not obliging, still watching Serizawa's heels on the tile. "I
was just thinking about your little speech to the cat. Even you must
admit, it's ironic to hear that coming from somebody who's only lived this
long by calling on mythical persona, trying to beat superstitions and myth
on their own terms."
Whatever god decided to throw me in the same
group with a secretive criminal had a sick sense of humor - I think I may
as well have painted a target on my back the day I met Baofu. "This,
from the one who's always saying that he hates the personas, and refuses
to admit that they're a part of him." (Low growl along under the
words; Odysseus tightens his grip on the sword in irritation.)
"I never said I was changing my opinions.
I just said it's hypocritical of you to denounce all superstition one minute,
then call your persona to fight for you the next." He's irritated
now; I seem to have caught him off guard. He wasn't expecting that
kind of sarcasm. It was more like something he'd say, really.
I've spent too much time around him; I'm starting to pick up his cynicism.
Whose cynicism? Words not given voice are still your words.
The face hidden behind the mask is no less real than the mask itself.
"And what other choice do we have? It's
a power that's been made available to us; if we don't use it, we'll never
be able to defend ourselves, much less stop these things from making this
world any more insane than they already have." (Black claws add
to the point made by a "real" hand raised)
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
Now Baofu's the one watching the footsteps ahead of us while I'm looking
over at him. He's gone cryptic again, hunched forward a little, hands
in pockets behind him, smiling at the newest secret joke only he knows.
"Excuse me?"
He looks back up, and we're briefly back to
the way it was back in the 2X Slash the first time I ever saw him; me in
a brief, innocent, and unknowing daze, thrown for a loop; him choosing
what piece of the Grand Secret to reveal now. I'm not sure which
I prefer - back when he was so damn cryptic and foreign that I was forever
off-balance, or now, with him as an eternal rival allowing me no illusions.
"If you're going to make science and logic
the 'good' side, and superstition and magic the 'evil' side, then we're
certainly not the heroes, eh? Running around calling myths and manipulating
rumors..."
I break the eye contact first, going back
to watching the floor. "I never said anything like that."
"It's what logically follows from what you
said before. You do follow logic, right? If science is good
and magic is bad, then we're every bit as much the villains as the demons."
"You're reading too much into what I said.
I was sick and tired of watching that beast torment Kirishima-san, of the
Jokers, the demons, the rumors, the Persona, the whole tangled mess.
I was drawing a line between us and it, not trying to put any great meaning
behind 'science' and 'magic'. Don't use it to drag us down to their
level."
He steps aside a little, the smile wider again,
studying me as if I've somehow just revealed something he'd been digging
for that I shouldn't have shown.
"Under all that righteous outrage, you're
not that far from me, are you Suou?"
I level a crimson glare down at him, standing
straight up. (yellow eyes narrow and blaze with sun's heat)
"Don't even try that tactic. No, I don't like the supernatural -
because most of what I've seen of it so far has no goal other than to spread
chaos and harm those weaker than itself. I'm here not because I want
to destroy everything that doesn't fit into my worldview, but because I
want to protect the innocent people who are getting hurt in this mess.
Why are you here? Morbid curiousity? Nothing better to do?"
The smile twists bitterly as he meets my glare
briefly, then stares into the flickering flourescent lights above.
"Now who's reading too much into what's been said, hm? I have my
reasons; questions to answer, ghosts to bury." His gazes snaps back
across from the lights to me, his eyes lost behind lenses dark enough to
hide any light from the soul behind, but not dark enough to hide the world
from him. "What ghosts are driving you, Suou? What whip from
behind you keeps you on the straight and narrow?"
We actually have a staredown of sorts.
It lasts until I break it, denying the conflict altogether, snapping to
face forward and look straight ahead. (A feline recovery of composure,
but not quite enough to hide ruffled fur and a lashing tail.)
"I don't need to tell you anything."
"That was ... icy." (A slight dark
ripple from ahead, a disruptive energy reaching out, a beacon of chaos)
All four of us stop, still in the same order, at the telltale warning of
a Joker. Maya whispers something soft I can't catch, Ulala groans
about having to fight *another* one, and Kirishima begins focusing on the
conflict ahead. Baofu's as unreadable as ever.
"Looks like we'll have to continue this later.
Promise me one thing, Suou - next time you're about to say something high
and mighty, take a minute to consider your perspective before you start
making sweeping judgements. You're no better than the rest of us,
and you don't even know a page of the truth." Somehow, even though
I'm taller than him, I'm still being looked down on. We've started
moving again, and the echoes of the Joker ahead grow stronger with every
foot; it's useless to try and pick up the argument now, with a worse enemy
so close ahead.
I'd like to call him a hypocrite right back,
but how do I back it up when I know nothing of him? "You're in no
position to lecture from either"? "You don't know why I'm here"?
Neither do I, and as much as I hate to admit it, he had a point.
We've stopped in front of the studio door.
As Maya reaches for the handle, Baofu turns to me one last time.
"Here's a thought for you - how far is Helios
from Shiki?"
*I'm not quite sure how to explain this one...just another of my short
little vignettes like Jewel Lament...what can I say, I happen to like Katsuya
and Helios.