Yume mamoru, senshi yo
Yume
ni nigekomu kokoro
Tsuremodoshite
don't look back
Oh,
warrior that protects dreams!
The
heart that ran away into darkness…
Bring
it back with you; don't look back!
~Ice
Blue Eyes~
~Misao
character song~
~Romanization/Translation:
Takayama Miyuki~
~J-Lyrics
and Translation Archive~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You cannot possible understand the implications of what
you are asking me to do. You'll never understand. You cannot for your soul is
not divided into two separate beings. I am only someone you knew as the
Hitokiri Battousai. You do not know me as Himura Kenshin at all. How can you?
You ask me to return to being a Hitokiri but, as always, you fail to understand
who you are asking me to become. If I allow the Hitokiri within to have control
for even a moment, if I release the killer I was ten years ago, then I will
once again lose the person I have become and this time maybe forever. The man I
have become will be overshadowed by the one I once was. The Hitokiri Battousai
is so close to the surface now; perilously close having been drawn out at last
by our last encounter. I can sense his thoughts, hear his cold voice in my own,
echoing down through the years. With each step I take toward Kyoto his will
grows stronger, with each battle I face the sleeping Hitokiri within me wakes
more. For ten years I have tried to keep him hidden deep within myself, always
under my control. I never let him show himself in word, thought or deed but now
I feel him within, hovering always just below the surface of my
thoughts…waiting. I fear what will happen when I return to Kyoto…when I pass
through the gates of the city I have strove to forget. The city that was the
birthplace of this other, darker half of myself.
Kyoto
was his home but it was never truly mine. Hitokiri Battousai was created in the
flames of the Bakmatsu that swept over Kyoto like a wave of darkness. He rode
that darkness and war and killing in order to protect the innocent were all
that he knew, all that he could believe in. The dark alleyways were his killing
ground, the night his only true friend. He was cold, calculating and ruthless,
a silent, shadowy killer bringing fear and then death to his enemies who saw
him for a brief instant before they fell. He was a mere shadow among countless
other shadows who stalked the night. His deadly work was noticed and whispered
of but never truly acknowledged for it could never be. He had few friends, if
any, because no one would dare to get that close to a killer who only lived to kill
and who was destined to die anyway. Even the Ishinishi, his own side, feared
him, feared his abilities and what he was becoming. A man who was nothing more
than a tool for slaughter. A boy who had lost himself and who had traded his
pure soul for the chance to fight for an idealistic dream he was never able to
understand properly.
He
was my baser instincts carefully hidden behind the mask of youthful innocence,
in the body of a fourteen year old with the unstained soul of a child who
looked much younger and who was almost feminine in appearance. Someone who
couldn't possibly be a threat to anyone for all that he carried two swords at
his waist. That mere 'child' was the most feared and deadly assassin who
brought 'divine justice' down on those who were deemed evil by others with
swift and deadly strokes of his sword. Even long after I traded the shadowy
existence of a Hitokiri for the life of a bodyguard my enemies still feared me
and even now the name of Hitokiri Battousai still holds that power. I was once
that man who was the most feared in all of Japan. It is not a title I wish to
hold onto any longer, nor is it a name I wish to keep.
But
all the while the Hitokiri fought on the blood soaked battlefields in and
around Kyoto, all the while he killed in the name of justice, another persona
lurked within him watching everything with a troubled heart, wondering what he
had become, fearing his Shishou was right, that he was just a pawn, a tool and
knowing he was no better than a common murderer who slew for no other reason
than to see blood flow. Himura Kenshin also resided in that same fourteen year
old body and every day he lost a little more of himself to the Hitokiri he was
becoming. Every day he cried and agonized over the lives lost, the lives he had
taken. But that persona only existed after the killing was done. The heart of
the Hitokiri Battousai had no room in heat of battle for the heart of Himura
Kenshin. The soul of the Hitokiri remained untouched by what he did but the
blood I spilled forever stained my soul. Surely those who died on the sword of
Battousai were enemies to the new era that we both wanted to create but just as
surely they also had just been trying to live their lives. They had families
that carried for them, wives who loved them, and children who waited for them
to return safely from war's battlefields. Even as the sword of Hitokiri
Battousai destroyed the happiness of many people, taking hundreds of lives
away, the soul of Himura Kenshin still knew the words of his Shishou were true.
Men might be evil but they are still human beings before anything else.
That
is why I swore an oath, never to kill again after the war was over, never to
take the life of another and why that oath is worth more than my own life. I
had learned what happiness was and how easily it could be lost through
carelessness. I had found happiness in my wife, Tomoe, and in the small farm
where we had lived in peace for five months. I had been happy there; truly
happy for the first time in years but my sword destroyed that happiness too
even as it had destroyed the happiness of others. I took the life of someone
who, at the time, meant more to me then life itself. One who I would have done
anything for and who I would have protected for as long as she lived. She died
protecting me…so that I could live to fulfill the dream I had spoken of: a life
of peace, one where I would use my sword only to protect, never to kill. I
finally understood how the families of those I slew felt and I also understood
that those who fought for the Shoganate were also fighting to maintain their
own happiness. Our goals were, at the heart, the same even if the way we chose
to achieve them was different.
That
is why my vow is so important to me and why it must not ever be broken. If I
broke it I would return to the life of the Hitokiri again. It would take only
one death by my hand and the spirit of Himura Kenshin would die. I cannot and
must not break that vow. I will not let this broken sakabatou that hangs at my
side become a symbol of a vow broken, not a vow that was made to one who gave
her life that an assassin might find redemption. When I find Arai Shakku I will
ask him forge a new, stronger sakabatou with which to fight Shishio. I intend
to fight him with my own strength and in my own way. I intend to keep my vow no
matter what happens, even if I die. You cannot ask me to break my promise to
Tomoe for nothing you say or do will ever force me to do so.
I
will find another way. I will fight this battle on my own terms. You believe
that the strength of the Rurouni I have become is not enough; that I must
become the Hitokiri I was again. But I stand by what I said at the Kamiya Dojo
the night of our last duel.
"If
I only have the strength of the vagabond who protects others reflected in my
eyes it's enough. I don't need the strength of the murderous Hitokiri anymore."
I
do not need his strength. I will find new strength to add to my own. I will
call on my Shishou and ask him to grant me the succession technique of the
Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu. I will master it using only the strength of the Rurouni I
have become just as I mastered the other techniques as Himura Kenshin long
before the Hitokiri Battousai lived in the flames of revolution. Then I will be
strong enough to defeat Shishio without reverting to my former self again. The
sword that kills will remain forever sealed away from the world and the soul of
Himura Kenshin might finally begin to reconcile his two separate halves.
I
cannot change my past, cannot give back all the lives I destroyed but I can
make sure that history does not repeat itself in Kyoto now. I can make sure the
peace so many died for and that I have come to cherish will remain unscathed by
war. I will do what I can to protect the peace and happiness of those who have
never known war's horrors. I only hope that this will not be at the cost of my
life or sanity. I only hope that I will not to be forced to become the Hitokiri
who only cares for chaos and death and that I remain as I am now~ a Rurouni who
desires peace and does not kill.
