Author : Reve (The fiend formerly known as Roku. :B) [sesshoumaruchan@aol.com]
Rating : PG for angst and just the general idea of the story. But... I don't know... if you're really sensitive, maybe you shouldn't read it?
Fandom : 'Invader Zim'
Pairings : N/A
Sidenotes : Not a happy fic... this is all speculation, so don't be like, 'You idiot, you're wrong.' Mmm, what else..? Ah, it's a song fic that goes with the song 'Baby Mine' from Disney's 'Dumbo'. Call me crazy, but I find that particular song very touching...
-------
Invader Zim and its characters- namely Dib-- do not belong to me at all, and I'm not trying to imply that they do in any way by writing this. I'm not making any money or anything... I'm just using the ideas and characters for inspiration. ^-^
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*Baby Mine*
-------
It's such a beautiful day outside, you know. It's gorgeous out there- a sky that's blue like nothing else... such a bright sun. The world seems alive... if it could smile, I'm sure it would. Life goes on and that's not always good... but for now, the day is there as a consolation.
Oh, but not to you... when it's afternoon and you've gotten out of school, I see you crossing streets and sidewalks, a black spot of ink against a generic backdrop. Your steps are slow, your shoulders hanging, spiky black hair falling a little into your pale, serious face. Still, your head is high... so proud, aren't you? Always were.
And where is your sister, hm? It seems that the beautiful day is less and less attractive... leaving you so alone like this! Like usual.
Thin hands turn the key, turn the knob. I feel your sigh rushing through the room when you enter. Everything is so painfully still. This house is so empty... how can you not feel that I am here with you, dear?
It's a long time, you're just standing there like time is frozen for you... until you finally drop the few things you were carrying and walk soundlessly over to the couch. I feel numb.
/...Baby mine, don't you cry.../
/...Baby mine, dry your eyes.../
I don't need to move to be there in front of you in an instant. Your hands- not as small as they once were- wring together as if in slow motion... your wide brown eyes closing behind circular lenses... oh, please don't say...
Your lips are pressed together, white at the edges like you're holding the world inside you. I wish, so much, that you didn't have to.
Silence is a web around you, and I feel that I am on the outside... oh, but I can hear the web stiffening and shattering as your black-covered narrow shoulders bunch up suddenly. Familiar tension is building, until they release in a racking twitch. I gasp and it makes no sound, as a muffled sob chokes itself out of your throat. Just one... oh, but just like every time... more are to come.
My poor baby... tears without substance cloud my unseen eyes as I reach out to you- wrapping you in the weak embrace you don't even realize I'm offering.
You're so much bigger than you used to be, you know, but you're still just as delicate. Your shoulders and chest are shaking as more cracking sobs jump from your throat. I hold you tighter, closer, and it kills me inside- like it does each time- that I can't feel you, either...
/...Rest your head close to my heart.../
/...Never to part, baby of mine.../
And you cry like the tears hurt you- shaking and gulping, trying so hard not to. What hurts you so much? You seem to curl in on yourself, and I stroke your black mop of hair aimlessly.
You don't even know, my poor baby, that I'm here... I cry with you, though. I want to know what hurts you- make it go away. I want to just once be able to tell you it's okay. Like I used to.
It was long ago, though, Dib. It was long ago. I don't know that you'd remember.
Somehow, I have the feeling you do... don't you?
/...Little one when you play.../
/...Don't you mind what you say.../
Back then it was different, though, wasn't it? You shake soundlessly, drawing cold legs up to your chest. I lean my head against yours and wish again that I could feel. Undoubtedly... it was so different.
But now what's different is you. I know... I realize that some things about you are different than they should be... that some things even scare you. You didn't know me... you know only what you want to know... but I'm sure there's a part of you that does. You have to. I wish you knew more... I wish you knew that I never doubted you.
And they've taught you to keep your opinions to yourself, haven't they? I can see that... I can see your eyes growing duller every day. Because every day you fight your way up a hill, bursting with something new... and every day you come back down the other side beaten and bound.
I want you to hear me. Oh, but how can you...? I try hard not to cry very much. It wouldn't be good for you to see. As I cup my hands around your ashen, tear-stained face, I can't even feel the warmth. I can't even feel you.
But I hear you. I want you to hear me.
I want you to hear me just so I can tell you, 'Dib, please. Don't listen to them. It's okay.' Because you shouldn't... you just shouldn't. Do you know how proud of you I am? Don't hide... I know how hard it is... but please... they're forcing you to hide.
/...Let those eyes sparkle and shine.../
/...Never a tear, baby of mine.../
When I pull away a little to look at you again, my beautiful boy, I bite my lip... you're starting to look like that blue shirt you always wear. You love that shirt, don't you? Dull, cold, apathetic faces. Gray. But that's not you!
I remember smiles and shining brown eyes and laughter...
And now I see a set-in-stone face... dull, guarded eyes. I don't hear laughter...
I hear you wheezing softly in your attempts not to cry anymore. I want you to hear me again, I wish... I wish... I have another message. It's okay to cry. I'm sorry for the time I told you that boys don't cry. God, I'm sorry. Because they do. I know you worry... see, you must remember me. I know you remember that. I know you must believe that. And you worry that I'd be ashamed of you.
I'm not.
No tears, please. It's okay to cry, but please... I just want to see you happy again. Would anything make you happy? A new UFO magazine and a good episode of that show you love to watch? I know, I know.... but that's not enough. You don't even know what you need......
/...If they knew sweet little you.../
/...They'd end up loving you too.../
But what you need is someone, isn't it? With a sigh and a tear, I try my best to wrap my arms around you again, and close my eyes. Who, though? I've seen you push everyone you know away from you. Oh, and your father and sister... they were never enough, I know. It's okay. It's okay, I'm not angry, I promise.
You've been hurt. I would give anything... *anything*... to be able to give you a reason to trust again. Can't you see..? There are horrible people in the world, Dib, but not everyone is that way. And if they gave you that same opportunity, I know you'd find someone to bring you back...
Because, oh god, I just want you back. I hear you sigh against me, and all at once the sobs aren't choking you anymore. They're rushing out loudly, and you shake, face in your hands. This is the new you... and it hurts so much.
No one could ever convince me you don't need someone.
I'm so sorry.... I'm so sorry.... I love you....
I wish you could hear me...
/...All those same people who scold you.../
/...What they'd give just for.../
/...The right to hold you.../
And I wish they could see. I wish someone could see who deserved you. And who? Who would? Someone who would show you that there's more to wish for in the world than a good picture of a Chupacabra or the Jersey Devil or all those things you constantly think about. There's so much more, Dib. I wish I could have been able to show you... but I can't.
And can't someone else do that? They have to...
Oh, no, they have to... your shaky cries aren't as loud now... they've quieted down... but they sound so sad. You sound just so sad... like I've never heard before. I wonder if you miss me, and then immediately can't believe I'm thinking of myself.
It doesn't matter if you miss me, or if you miss your father who you see every day and who never truly sees you, or if you miss someone I haven't heard of yet... or if you miss someone even *you* haven't heard of yet. You're alone. And I don't understand...
/...From your head to your toes.../
/...You're not much, goodness knows.../
And yes, I remember how it was to be in school. I know that the other children don't like you... and maybe you don't like them, either, do you? You're afraid they'll hurt you or crush you or... even... leave you behind....
I'm so sorry.
And what do they see when they look at you? Not what they should, I'm sure. I know.... I know, I want to tell you, I know that you've been hurt before... even if you don't show it. I know that even though you act like you don't care, you worry that you are too skinny, too small, too pale, too everything. Because if you're too much of anything the world is immediately at your throat, isn't it?
And you want so much to be so strong. Here you are, crying... so sad... you're so sad, because you are strong. You're so strong you don't need anyone... and though it's a contradiction... that is so weak. But how could you be anything else?
I wanted to be there to hold your hand. When they say things to you that hurt, I want to be there to show you it's okay, and try to make you understand that one day someone will love you for those same things they mock you for. I am there. You just don't know it.
Look at you, now, my little boy... you aren't anymore, are you? You've grown up so much... and here we are, you and I, worlds apart and crying together. You're not little anymore. But you're not big either. That funny stage.
/...But you're so precious to me.../
/...Cute as can be, baby of mine.../
And I love you so much. You're a beautiful boy, to me. Tears bite at my already wet eyes as I try to stroke your messy, spiky black hair... and as my hand seems to disappear when it nears you.
I love you, please remember that, okay? You know we all have flaws. And you worry that I'd reject you for your hidden ones. Never. I never would, you know that, right?
...right?
Smiling very slightly... just a ghost of a smile... I lean away to take a look at you again as you sit up straight and breathe deeply, hands in your lap. No, I'd never, ever push you away. You're just perfect.
With pale arms I reach out again, encircling you in my embrace...
...and as you stand up, my arms disappear and reappear right through you. They close around nothingness, and in a slow moment, I sink down into the cushions of the couch, eyes wide, looking up at you standing there, tears dried in tracks down your cheeks. I see everything in that sort of slow-motion detail... the way you bunch up your shoulders and sigh heavily, then shake your hands a little.
Because you're off to be strong again, aren't you? Still sinking and sinking and sinking so deep, I wrap my arms around myself and watch you walk off obliviously into the other room, footsteps heavy. And through bitter-love tears, I smile...
...just a ghost of a smile.
Rating : PG for angst and just the general idea of the story. But... I don't know... if you're really sensitive, maybe you shouldn't read it?
Fandom : 'Invader Zim'
Pairings : N/A
Sidenotes : Not a happy fic... this is all speculation, so don't be like, 'You idiot, you're wrong.' Mmm, what else..? Ah, it's a song fic that goes with the song 'Baby Mine' from Disney's 'Dumbo'. Call me crazy, but I find that particular song very touching...
-------
Invader Zim and its characters- namely Dib-- do not belong to me at all, and I'm not trying to imply that they do in any way by writing this. I'm not making any money or anything... I'm just using the ideas and characters for inspiration. ^-^
-------
*Baby Mine*
-------
It's such a beautiful day outside, you know. It's gorgeous out there- a sky that's blue like nothing else... such a bright sun. The world seems alive... if it could smile, I'm sure it would. Life goes on and that's not always good... but for now, the day is there as a consolation.
Oh, but not to you... when it's afternoon and you've gotten out of school, I see you crossing streets and sidewalks, a black spot of ink against a generic backdrop. Your steps are slow, your shoulders hanging, spiky black hair falling a little into your pale, serious face. Still, your head is high... so proud, aren't you? Always were.
And where is your sister, hm? It seems that the beautiful day is less and less attractive... leaving you so alone like this! Like usual.
Thin hands turn the key, turn the knob. I feel your sigh rushing through the room when you enter. Everything is so painfully still. This house is so empty... how can you not feel that I am here with you, dear?
It's a long time, you're just standing there like time is frozen for you... until you finally drop the few things you were carrying and walk soundlessly over to the couch. I feel numb.
/...Baby mine, don't you cry.../
/...Baby mine, dry your eyes.../
I don't need to move to be there in front of you in an instant. Your hands- not as small as they once were- wring together as if in slow motion... your wide brown eyes closing behind circular lenses... oh, please don't say...
Your lips are pressed together, white at the edges like you're holding the world inside you. I wish, so much, that you didn't have to.
Silence is a web around you, and I feel that I am on the outside... oh, but I can hear the web stiffening and shattering as your black-covered narrow shoulders bunch up suddenly. Familiar tension is building, until they release in a racking twitch. I gasp and it makes no sound, as a muffled sob chokes itself out of your throat. Just one... oh, but just like every time... more are to come.
My poor baby... tears without substance cloud my unseen eyes as I reach out to you- wrapping you in the weak embrace you don't even realize I'm offering.
You're so much bigger than you used to be, you know, but you're still just as delicate. Your shoulders and chest are shaking as more cracking sobs jump from your throat. I hold you tighter, closer, and it kills me inside- like it does each time- that I can't feel you, either...
/...Rest your head close to my heart.../
/...Never to part, baby of mine.../
And you cry like the tears hurt you- shaking and gulping, trying so hard not to. What hurts you so much? You seem to curl in on yourself, and I stroke your black mop of hair aimlessly.
You don't even know, my poor baby, that I'm here... I cry with you, though. I want to know what hurts you- make it go away. I want to just once be able to tell you it's okay. Like I used to.
It was long ago, though, Dib. It was long ago. I don't know that you'd remember.
Somehow, I have the feeling you do... don't you?
/...Little one when you play.../
/...Don't you mind what you say.../
Back then it was different, though, wasn't it? You shake soundlessly, drawing cold legs up to your chest. I lean my head against yours and wish again that I could feel. Undoubtedly... it was so different.
But now what's different is you. I know... I realize that some things about you are different than they should be... that some things even scare you. You didn't know me... you know only what you want to know... but I'm sure there's a part of you that does. You have to. I wish you knew more... I wish you knew that I never doubted you.
And they've taught you to keep your opinions to yourself, haven't they? I can see that... I can see your eyes growing duller every day. Because every day you fight your way up a hill, bursting with something new... and every day you come back down the other side beaten and bound.
I want you to hear me. Oh, but how can you...? I try hard not to cry very much. It wouldn't be good for you to see. As I cup my hands around your ashen, tear-stained face, I can't even feel the warmth. I can't even feel you.
But I hear you. I want you to hear me.
I want you to hear me just so I can tell you, 'Dib, please. Don't listen to them. It's okay.' Because you shouldn't... you just shouldn't. Do you know how proud of you I am? Don't hide... I know how hard it is... but please... they're forcing you to hide.
/...Let those eyes sparkle and shine.../
/...Never a tear, baby of mine.../
When I pull away a little to look at you again, my beautiful boy, I bite my lip... you're starting to look like that blue shirt you always wear. You love that shirt, don't you? Dull, cold, apathetic faces. Gray. But that's not you!
I remember smiles and shining brown eyes and laughter...
And now I see a set-in-stone face... dull, guarded eyes. I don't hear laughter...
I hear you wheezing softly in your attempts not to cry anymore. I want you to hear me again, I wish... I wish... I have another message. It's okay to cry. I'm sorry for the time I told you that boys don't cry. God, I'm sorry. Because they do. I know you worry... see, you must remember me. I know you remember that. I know you must believe that. And you worry that I'd be ashamed of you.
I'm not.
No tears, please. It's okay to cry, but please... I just want to see you happy again. Would anything make you happy? A new UFO magazine and a good episode of that show you love to watch? I know, I know.... but that's not enough. You don't even know what you need......
/...If they knew sweet little you.../
/...They'd end up loving you too.../
But what you need is someone, isn't it? With a sigh and a tear, I try my best to wrap my arms around you again, and close my eyes. Who, though? I've seen you push everyone you know away from you. Oh, and your father and sister... they were never enough, I know. It's okay. It's okay, I'm not angry, I promise.
You've been hurt. I would give anything... *anything*... to be able to give you a reason to trust again. Can't you see..? There are horrible people in the world, Dib, but not everyone is that way. And if they gave you that same opportunity, I know you'd find someone to bring you back...
Because, oh god, I just want you back. I hear you sigh against me, and all at once the sobs aren't choking you anymore. They're rushing out loudly, and you shake, face in your hands. This is the new you... and it hurts so much.
No one could ever convince me you don't need someone.
I'm so sorry.... I'm so sorry.... I love you....
I wish you could hear me...
/...All those same people who scold you.../
/...What they'd give just for.../
/...The right to hold you.../
And I wish they could see. I wish someone could see who deserved you. And who? Who would? Someone who would show you that there's more to wish for in the world than a good picture of a Chupacabra or the Jersey Devil or all those things you constantly think about. There's so much more, Dib. I wish I could have been able to show you... but I can't.
And can't someone else do that? They have to...
Oh, no, they have to... your shaky cries aren't as loud now... they've quieted down... but they sound so sad. You sound just so sad... like I've never heard before. I wonder if you miss me, and then immediately can't believe I'm thinking of myself.
It doesn't matter if you miss me, or if you miss your father who you see every day and who never truly sees you, or if you miss someone I haven't heard of yet... or if you miss someone even *you* haven't heard of yet. You're alone. And I don't understand...
/...From your head to your toes.../
/...You're not much, goodness knows.../
And yes, I remember how it was to be in school. I know that the other children don't like you... and maybe you don't like them, either, do you? You're afraid they'll hurt you or crush you or... even... leave you behind....
I'm so sorry.
And what do they see when they look at you? Not what they should, I'm sure. I know.... I know, I want to tell you, I know that you've been hurt before... even if you don't show it. I know that even though you act like you don't care, you worry that you are too skinny, too small, too pale, too everything. Because if you're too much of anything the world is immediately at your throat, isn't it?
And you want so much to be so strong. Here you are, crying... so sad... you're so sad, because you are strong. You're so strong you don't need anyone... and though it's a contradiction... that is so weak. But how could you be anything else?
I wanted to be there to hold your hand. When they say things to you that hurt, I want to be there to show you it's okay, and try to make you understand that one day someone will love you for those same things they mock you for. I am there. You just don't know it.
Look at you, now, my little boy... you aren't anymore, are you? You've grown up so much... and here we are, you and I, worlds apart and crying together. You're not little anymore. But you're not big either. That funny stage.
/...But you're so precious to me.../
/...Cute as can be, baby of mine.../
And I love you so much. You're a beautiful boy, to me. Tears bite at my already wet eyes as I try to stroke your messy, spiky black hair... and as my hand seems to disappear when it nears you.
I love you, please remember that, okay? You know we all have flaws. And you worry that I'd reject you for your hidden ones. Never. I never would, you know that, right?
...right?
Smiling very slightly... just a ghost of a smile... I lean away to take a look at you again as you sit up straight and breathe deeply, hands in your lap. No, I'd never, ever push you away. You're just perfect.
With pale arms I reach out again, encircling you in my embrace...
...and as you stand up, my arms disappear and reappear right through you. They close around nothingness, and in a slow moment, I sink down into the cushions of the couch, eyes wide, looking up at you standing there, tears dried in tracks down your cheeks. I see everything in that sort of slow-motion detail... the way you bunch up your shoulders and sigh heavily, then shake your hands a little.
Because you're off to be strong again, aren't you? Still sinking and sinking and sinking so deep, I wrap my arms around myself and watch you walk off obliviously into the other room, footsteps heavy. And through bitter-love tears, I smile...
...just a ghost of a smile.