For Better, For Worse

by Annna

Okay, sure hope part 5 loaded okay this time... R&R please!

3. Chapter 3

For Better, For Worse (3)



Originally I had planned on four parts, but at this point I think it's going to be closer to five or six parts, plus an epilogue. Like with the last part I don't suggest anyone to read this unless they have lots of time on their hands. I'm going to do my best to make sure I don't make the parts so long in the future… Oh, and happy Syttonde Maj (which I totally don't know how to spell, so forgive me for that) to all Norwegians out there (it's pretty sad that I know more about their National Day than my own country's). And happy wedding day to Chandler & Monica (can't believe I'm wishing two made-up characters a happy wedding day…), I think that's today.


Monica's head was spinning. She was starting to feel like she was going crazy. She kept hearing his voice inside her head, not saying things she remembered him say from their life together, but trying to coach her through it. Trying to support her through the ordeal of his funeral. She didn't know whether she was actually going crazy, whether it was just her mind's way of comforting her or whether it was Chandler himself. He had always, always been there for her to lean on when she needed support, even if things were bad between them he had been there with his support when she had needed it. But now, when she needed it more than ever, he wasn't there. Only in her mind. But partly it made it worse. It just emphasized that no matter how much she had been able to depend on him in the past it was all over now, she would never, never get to feel his arms around her again or hear him whisper soothing words while rocking her back and forth. The days when just a loving look from his eyes would make her feel like she could get through anything were gone.
She couldn't help feeling abandoned. She had had some great losses in her lifetime and some rough times, and ever since he came into her life he had been there and supported her, he had always helped her through it. But nothing she had been through had been as difficult as this, not even coping with the loss of a child had been as hard as this, and this time she had to face it alone. He had left her and she would be alone until she died too. And she was afraid of death, she was afraid that dying meant ceasing to exist in more ways than the physical. If dying meant that everything went black and then there was nothing anymore, she would never get to be reunited with him. She was terrified that she had seen him for the last time, the knowledge that everything might really be over was tormenting her. Everybody around her seemed to think that she had nothing to worry about, she would be reunited with him after her death, but she wasn't so sure of that herself. She was also scared that they would both be reborn, would have new lives at other places in the world. She was scared that maybe then she wouldn't find him again, she was scared of having to throw away precious time looking for him without even knowing what she was searching for. And she didn't want to find him again in some other body, as some other person with some other history. She wanted the Chandler she had married in this lifetime. And she was scared that he would be with someone else, or that she would be, if they both got reincarnated. Maybe they wouldn't find each other until it was too late. Either way she would be apart from him for at least another two decades, and she didn't know if she could go through that. The past week had been hard enough, 1039 more would be too many for her to go through.
She tried to get those thoughts out of her head, and instead just focus on saying goodbye to him. To thank him for the years he had given her, for the love and for the life. She knew it was unnecessary, Chandler had known when he died exactly what she wanted him to know, there was nothing more that she could say to him. She wasn't supposed to talk during the ceremony, nobody had asked her to give a small speech, they probably didn't want an old foolish woman to go up there and talk. They probably all thought she wasn't clear enough to manage it. But she was surprisingly clear, she had always been. She had refused to let her mind age in the same pace as her body, and her memory was surprisingly good for an 83-year-old.
She was sitting in-between her oldest child and her youngest one. She still thought of them as her little children even though Bridget had turned 50 the year before and had a 21-year-old child who was sitting next to her Father, who was on Bridget's other side. Monica had her children's lives like stories in her head, she could see them all from the age of only a couple of hours to the age they were now. It seemed impossible to her that her firstborn, who had been so little in her arms and had screamed loudly at her birth, was now a woman old enough to have grandchildren. She had lived for more than half a century. She didn't look that old in Monica's eyes, but that was much thanks to the skin treatment these days that slowed down physical aging with over a decade. Monica herself didn't look much like a woman her age would have back in the 20th century, she looked more like she was around 70. Chandler had looked old though.
She felt another stab of pain while thinking of him again. On the day of his death, and a while before, she had been willing to let him die, she had even at times wished that for him. She had known he was suffering and she wanted him to get relief. But it was different now that he was gone. She hadn't understood how painful it would actually be to lose him, she had never been able to picture the feeling. She nearly panicked each time it hit her that she couldn't see him anymore, that she couldn't touch him again. She often thought of something and decided to tell Chandler about it, and then realized that she couldn't. She had once gone back to the hospital to see him, not realizing that he wasn't there anymore until she had entered the room where he'd died and found someone else lying there. Her children had made sure she wasn't alone after that incident. And even though it was frustrating for her never to get a moment to herself to grieve, she was thankful that they were there to keep her mind off it. But it didn't always work, they were a lot like their Father and a lot of things they said and did reminded her of him. They kept bringing him up without even knowing it themselves, and it made it harder for her. At first they had tried to talk to her about other things, but it hadn't taken them long to realize that everything in her world was linked to him, and every memory they tried to talk about featured him in some way. After a while they had gone over to only talking about their memories with each other, never with her.
Monica was living more in the past than in the present, to keep herself from completely going crazy she often thought about things that had happened decades ago, even though most of the memories made it painfully obvious that she would never get to experience him doing something sweet like that for her again. And he had done many sweet things over the years, it seemed as if he always knew what to do and say to cheer her up. Memory after memory came back to her sporadically, she only saw short images of each thing, until she finally landed on one event that had taken place on their eighth wedding anniversary.


"Okay kids…" Chandler said to the three children. "Don't say anything to her until she comes in here, you understand?"
The three children nodded and Chandler smiled. He felt pleased with himself, the living room table was set with their finer china, complete with wine glasses for him and Monica. Candles were lit and all other lights were off. He had dressed the children up and then put on nicer clothes himself. While waiting for Monica to get home he had cooked one of her favorite meals that she never seemed to manage to do well on herself, but that he mostly succeeded with. It was gratined potatoes and a special kind of beef. He made a less advanced meal for the children at the same time. Then he seated them by the table and told them not to ruin the surprise when their Mother got home.
All four looked up when they heard someone enter, and they knew who it was. Monica's voice called out a hello and Chandler grinned, giving the children a reminding look not to say anything.
"In the living room honey" he called out to her, to let her know where he was.
Monica hung off her jacket and took her shoes off, then walked into the living room. Her eyes widened at the surprise of finding the table set like that and the dressed up children waiting nicely for her to enter.
"Oh my goodness…" she said and walked over to Chandler, staring at the lit table.
"Eight years, happy anniversary" Chandler said and kissed her.
"Yeah, likewise" Monica said, barely paying attention. Her eyes were locked on the scenario in front of her. "Chandler what is all this?"
"An anniversary surprise" Chandler said. "Was that not clear?"
"Hey Mommy" Anthony said.
"Hey sweetie…" Monica said, still not paying attention really.
She walked over and kissed him on the forehead, then did the same with her two daughters, who said hi to her as she did. She then turned back to Chandler and stared at him.
"I was expecting a surprised reaction, but I have to admit that this might be a bit over the top…" Chandler said.
"Well it's just…" Monica began, and then got quiet for a couple of seconds. "With your Dad dying just two weeks ago I didn't think you would be in much of a mood to celebrate! And with the money it cost us to fly to his funeral I can't believe you actually did this, I can feel the smell of dinner, I figured this anniversary would be pretty much just an evening of talking and…" she glanced at the children. "Well, and some other things."
"Actually this isn't the real surprise" Chandler said. "It's… just sort of to set the scene… or the mood…"
"Honey in that case I don't think you ought to give me that surprise today, one more surprise like this and I will faint."
Chandler frowned.
"I've really been neglecting you, haven't I?" he said.
"That's not how I meant…"
"Mommy sit, you have to sit so we can eat!" Emma said.
Monica obediently sat down and Chandler went into the kitchen to get the food. Monica looked touched when she saw what he had made her, even though she had been able to tell by the scent what food had been cooking. He served the children their food first and then Monica and last of all himself. He then poured some champagne in his glass and a little in hers.
"I know you're pregnant, but a little alcohol won't do any damage" he said.
"Okay… I'm sitting, we're eating, can I know what the other surprise is now?" Monica asked, looking at him.
"Well… Actually it has to do with my Father."
"You have a positive surprise that has to do with your Father?" Monica said in disbelief.
"Nobody said it was positive" Bridget said sarcastically.
"Oh so you're in on this whole thing huh?" Monica said.
"Do you wanna know what it is or not?" Chandler asked.
"Sorry…"
"Well… I got a call from my Dad's lawyer right before we left for his funeral… And while you were with my Mom meeting my Dad's side of the family, I went to see him. The lawyer, that is. And it turns out my Dad bequeathed all of his earthly possessions to me. Surprisingly enough…"
"You inherited everything?" Monica said, dropping her fork in surprise. "How come you didn't tell me?"
"Well I would have, but that would have made it quite hard to surprise you tonight" Chandler said.
"I thought you only got the stuff we gathered from his apartment" Monica said.
"Well I sort of decided that I have no use of the stuff he has in Vegas, like the apartment for example. So I brought you there to help me pick out what stuff to keep other than photo albums and my Dad's diaries and stuff like that. And to let you pick out anything you might want to keep. Plus the things I got for the kids. And the rest is being sold, Dad's lawyer is taking care of the whole thing. And it also turns out that my Dad had a bit more money than he let me know…"
Monica looked up from her meal and straight into his eyes, with a suspicious look on her face.
"How much?"
"Close to $2,000, 000."
"Wow!" Monica exclaimed. "How come you never knew that?"
"The subject didn't exactly come up a lot" Chandler said. "And Viva Las Gaygas was apparently a lot more successful than any of us realized."
"If your Father had that much money then yeah, to say the least!"
"I don't know why he left it all to me, his boyfriend was pretty upset about it… But I guess he felt bad about not being there for me and maybe wanted to somehow make it up to me after his death."
"Maybe he didn't know how to do it while still being alive" Monica suggested.
"Yeah, maybe."
"But Chandler, do you realize exactly what this means? $2,000,000, I mean, we don't have to worry about money anymore!"
"Well, it's a bit trickier than that…" Chandler said. "A lot of the money isn't loose, it's in stocks and bonds and stuff like that. But I gave the poor lawyer the job of selling those stocks for me, except for four. I kept one for each child, you never know when they could have the use of it... And I had all the money on his accounts transferred over to ours."
"How much do we get in the end?"
"I don't know for sure. But I put 12,5% on an account I'm opening up for the unborn baby. And the same amount on the other children's accounts. That means they'll get up to $250,000, and hopefully that will cover them for a while in the future. I'd really hate it if they ever had to live like this again…"
"Live like what?" Emma asked.
"Emma don't talk with food in your mouth" Chandler said, ignoring her question. He turned his attention back to Monica. "And the remaining 50% is yours and mine. Sort of… I figured we could sell this damn house and buy another one. No more renting out a room, no more sleeping in that bed that's not even big for a single bed… Plus, when the baby comes along he or she won't have to share a room. And I think we can get a big enough house to let Emma and Bridget have their own rooms too."
"Wouldn't that be quite expensive though?" Monica said. "I don't want to use up too much of the money, I want to set some aside to make sure we never end up on such a tight budget again."
"Well actually I wasn't finished with the surprise yet" Chandler said. "Guess who got a major promotion just this morning?"
"Oh my God!" Monica exclaimed, hurrying up from her seat and going over to him. She put her arms around him and hugged him tight. "Sweetie that's great!"
"What's going on?" Anthony asked, confused at the sudden activity.
"You got a promotion, I'm so happy for you!" Monica said to Chandler and kissed him lovingly.
Bridget moaned and Emma and Anthony looked away. Neither of them liked it when their parents showed affection towards each other in that way, they always got embarrassed when the two kissed, or hugged for a longer time.
"I am now the head of the whole damn department" Chandler told Monica. "The only ones I have to answer to are the partners. And I got a major raise, an additional $2500 a month plus a bonus at $6000. We're as close to rich honey as we've ever been."
"Can I tell you my little news now?" Monica asked.
"What, you have news?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah. Rachel and Boris… getting married."
"Well finally" Chandler said. "Yikes, I had you wedlocked after three years, those two have been together--"
"For three years, almost four."
Monica chuckled and kissed him again. Just as they were getting into the kiss they heard another annoyed moan from Bridget and pulled apart. Chandler gave her a light kiss on her stomach as she rose, although it wasn't exactly like kissing a pregnancy bum. Monica then went back to her seat and finished dinner, talking about their newfound money with Chandler and at the same time chatting with the children about how their day had been. Chandler then had Bridget help him clear the table and then he let the children go play in their rooms.
"So…" Monica said as he sat down next to her on one of the living room couches. "Do you have any other surprises in stall for me tonight?"
"Well, one" Chandler said. "I forgot to buy you your charm."
"You didn't!" Monica said, raising her eyebrows and getting a worried look on her face.
"No," Chandler admitted with a laugh, "but the look on your face was worth the lie."
"Be nice to a pregnant woman!" Monica said and hit him jokingly on the arm.
"Fine, you're the boss" Chandler said. "Here's the charm." He lifted it up from his shirt pocket and handed it to her. "It's supposed to be a rubber raft, although it may not be too obvious… But it was either this one or one in the shape of a condom, and I figured you'd like this one better."
Monica chuckled and nodded, holding out her arm so that he could attach it opposite the sheep she'd gotten a year ago.
"So it's… rubber anniversary?"
"Yepp."
"When are we gonna get to the fun ones?" Monica complained. "Like… like some sort of mineral or something."
"In a few years" Chandler said. "Patience is a virtue, you tell the children that almost every day."
Monica growled and playfully hit him on the arm.
"Does that mean I'm getting no present from you this year?" Chandler asked jokingly.
"You're getting it, only it will arrive in September and go by the name of 'newborn child'."
"I don't want to name our kid that" Chandler said, feigned seriousness.
"Well too bad" Monica said, pretending to be annoyed.
"I'm really not getting anything, am I?" Chandler sighed. He took a glance at her. "Hey can I ask you a question?"
"Chandler I did get you a present" Monica said with a slight sigh.
"No, actually it wasn't about that. I wanted to ask you, what is up with your pregnancy?"
"What about my pregnancy?" Monica said with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, I have to admit, I'm not even sure you're pregnant" Chandler said, and continued before she could protest. "It's May now, the baby's due in September, that means you're in your fifth month… And I can't tell if the bum on your stomach is from being pregnant or because you just ate. You've always started showing in your fourth month, with Anthony you were showing in your third… And this time nothing."
"Honey all pregnancies are different" Monica said.
"Yeah, but is this gonna be like a miniature baby or something?" Chandler asked.
"I don't know how come I'm not really showing yet" Monica said. "But relax… I'll probably be big as a house in just two or three months."
"Well let's hope so" Chandler said and kissed her on the cheek. "Being pregnant makes you look so cute."
"Good to know I look cute some times" Monica said and hugged him.


On Chandler's birthday in early June they found a house that they both liked. It had two floors and no basement, which Monica said was the best thing about it. Downstairs it had a kitchen and a small dining room, a bathroom and three bedrooms. Upstairs it had a living room, a bathroom and two bedrooms. Even Chandler, who didn't really care where they would live, loved it. And he especially liked the fact that with the money they would get from selling their old house they would be able to afford this house without taking loans and without emptying their bank accounts, although they didn't have many thousand left after buying it. Monica, who felt a little bad about leaving Sarah without someplace to stay during the next year, helped her get a hold of a small apartment where she would move in after she got back from her summer vacation back in Illinois. It took them a little over two months to sell their old house, but they moved in to the new one on the forth of July.


Chandler couldn't stop smiling the day they moved in, he hadn't seen Monica that happy in a while and the children seemed to love their new home. Bridget immediately claimed her right as the oldest sibling to choose her room first, making Anthony start to cry when she chose the room he wanted. It was the upstairs room next to the living room. And he wouldn't stop crying until Chandler promised him the other bedroom upstairs, making Emma angry since she'd wanted the other one. But it wasn't very difficult to convince her that having her room downstairs was better, especially since Monica pointed out that she would get to choose which one of the three rooms she wanted. She ended up choosing the one closest to the door, and Monica and Chandler decided to take the bedroom right next to the kitchen. The last bedroom would be the new baby's in six months or so.
"Who ever thought siblings could fight like that?" Chandler sighed and sat down for a quick cup of coffee with Monica at the kitchen table before they would start unpacking boxes. "Does it really matter who gets what room?"
"Oh believe me, it matters a lot" Monica said with a grin. "You don't have any siblings, but Ross and I could fight for hours about stuff like that. The room is like a status thing, the better room the better status."
"Honey… All the rooms look pretty much the same."
"Yeah, but still, Bridget and Anthony get to sleep upstairs. They've never lived in a house that had 'upstairs' before, the apartment doesn't count. On the other hand, Emma gets to be the only one who sleeps downstairs, so she can feel a bit special…"
"For about two months, because then her new sibling comes and ruins it" Chandler said with a grin. "Although maybe it won't be just two months, maybe it will be closer to four or five."
"Oh not that again…" Monica moaned, tired of hearing it.
She hadn't begun really showing until two weeks earlier and she looked more like she was in her first trimester or in the beginning of her second, than like she was in her third. Monica had no idea why she wasn't any bigger, but she was sure that the baby was due in September. And unlike Chandler she was glad that she wasn't any bigger.
"Mommy, where's Turtle?" Emma asked, sounding whiny when she entered the kitchen. "I want my turtle."
"It's in one of the boxes sweetie, and I don't know which one" Monica said. "You're gonna have to wait."
"I want it now!" Emma demanded.
"Emma" Chandler said firmly and hoped she wouldn't continue bugging them about the turtle. He hated it when the children refused to listen.
Emma looked at him for a second and made a face. She wanted the stuffed turtle her Father had given her for her first birthday. All of her other stuffed animals had human names, but when she had been little her parents had always just referred to it as her turtle and she hadn't felt like changing that 'name'. Emma turned and went back to her new room, which seemed way too empty without her toys and her sister. For as long as she could remember she had shared a room with Bridget, now she wasn't even sleeping on the same floor. She felt a bit lonely and would have preferred to have her older sister there since the house didn't feel like home to her after only a couple of hours.
"I think I'd better go find a certain turtle…" Monica said and got up from her seat. "Something tells me that Emma's cranky and it would be a lot easier to just give her the toy and let her walk around with it…"
"You know, when I was her age I had a stuffed animal I carried around everywhere" Chandler said. "It was a little alligator."
"Aww, how cute!" Monica said. "What happened to it?"
"To be honest I don't know. It got lost somewhere along the way after my parents split up and I was going like a ping pong ball between NYC and Atlanta…"
"Atlanta?"
"My Dad lived there for a year or so. Then he went to Vegas."
Monica nodded. She saw a frown come over his face when he thought about his Father, but decided to leave him alone for a few minutes instead of asking him if he wanted to talk about it. He knew where to find her if he wanted to talk.
She found the boxes with Emma's name on them and first started to lift one and then realized Chandler would get worried if she lifted anything heavy. She called out for him and he showed up, and realized what she wanted. He began carrying Emma's boxes to her room and Monica started to help their daughter out with unpacking them. The turtle was soon found and Emma held it in it's tail while trying to help her Mother unpack the boxes and put clothes in their right places and toys in plastic baskets that Chandler had gotten from IKEA along with some of the furniture.
By the end of the day Chandler had carried out all boxes to where they belonged and Monica had unpacked all of the children's things and most of hers and Chandler's, as well as some things for the kitchen and the bathrooms. Chandler carried Anthony upstairs after dinner to get him ready for bed, and Monica suddenly realized that there would be stairs in the way if he or Bridget woke up and wanted something in the middle of the night. Bridget was seven by now, Monica assumed she would be able to handle the stairs without problem, but Anthony was only three. After tucking the children in, Monica told Chandler what she was worrying about.
"God bless IKEA" Chandler said and went into the dining room which served as a storage room at the moment.
"Huh?" Monica said, confused.
Chandler came back after a couple of minutes with a pair of fence like gates, one for the top of the stairs and one for the bottom of them. The children would have to open them to get on the stairs and they had a lock that was a bit tricky, so hopefully the children wouldn't be able to open them in the middle of the night.
"See, now this is why I love you" Monica commented as Chandler put up the two gates. "Every time I realize something and panic that we don't know what to do about it, you've already realized it ahead of me and found a solution."
"Actually I only thought about it since I happened to see these when I was at IKEA" Chandler said. "But if you feel like you need to reward me for this, then I won't exactly get mad at you…"
"Oh you wouldn't, huh?" Monica said and grinned. "Good, then meet me in the bedroom in fifteen minutes. We've got to celebrate the forth of July somehow."
"Let's make love, all night long. Until all our strength is gone. Hold on tight, just let go. I wanna feel you in my soul. Until the sun comes up, let's make love." Chandler sang, and added speaking, "I'll be Johnny Logan if you're Natasja Crone."
"I think I can safely say they're not an item, or have ever been" Monica said with a grin, pretending not to know what he was referring to.
"Goodness woman, don't you have any romance in you?" Chandler said, pretending to be annoyed. "It's getting exhausting to provide all of the romance in this marriage. Good thing you make it worth it…"
"You like providing all the romance?" Monica asked, playing along.
"Well it sure gives me an advantage…"
"Okay then" Monica said with a grin. "Well in that case I'll just forget about the idea I had about eating stuff off each other's bodies… with me dressed in a raff-set."
"Sweetie you couldn't get into one of your raff-sets if you tried" Chandler said.
Monica made a face and elbowed him in the side and walked into their bedroom together with him.


By the end of July Monica was getting very stressed out. Chandler was back at work from his summer vacation and the children didn't have any school to go to since it was summer, so she had her hands full watching over them as they ran around in the new house. Bridget was starting second grade in just a little more than a month and Emma was starting kindergarten, both of them were nervous and cranky about it. And Anthony was cranky since he was the only one who didn't get to go to any form of school. The three children seemed to be fighting a whole lot with each other, almost every day Monica had to get angry and settle an argument between two of them or all three of them. And she wasn't feeling well, she had never been very pregnant during summer, and even though she didn't look like she was a day more than four months along the pregnancy made it hard for her.
"Mommy!" she heard Emma yell angrily.
Monica looked up from the stuffed dog with a small hole by the ear that she was fixing for Bridget and sighed heavily. What on earth was going on this time? Anthony came running in to the kitchen with Emma's turtle and Emma followed shortly behind, looking very angry.
"What on earth is going on here?" Monica asked with a sigh, sick to death of their constant fights.
"He stole Turtle!" Emma yelled. "Mommy he won't give it back!"
"Anthony" Monica said firmly. "You know you can't take your sisters' stuff."
"She stole my teddy bear!" Anthony said with tears in his eyes, pointing to Emma.
"Well that doesn't mean you have to take her turtle."
"But she stole first!" Anthony yelled, apparently upset that he got told off but not Emma.
"Mom!" Bridget whined, entering the kitchen as well. "Where's Dodger?"
"In a moment sweetie" Monica said and turned to Anthony. "Give Turtle back to your sister and she'll give you back your teddy bear."
"Mom! Dodger!" Bridget insisted.
"Bridget I said in a minute!" Monica said, stressed out and reached out her hand to Anthony. "The turtle, Anthony."
"No!" Anthony yelled.
"Give me Turtle or I'll throw your teddy in the trash!" Emma said.
"Emma!" Monica angrily said.
"Come on Mommy, where's Dodger?" Bridget continued.
"The turtle, now!" Monica commanded Anthony, trying her best to shut out the whines and the yells from the three children.
"No!"
"Give me my turtle!" Emma yelled.
"Mom how long is this gonna take?" Bridget angrily asked.
"Well just take the stupid dog!" Monica yelled, snapping.
She angrily grabbed the dog from where she'd put it on the table and threw it in Bridget's direction, and then she stormed off to hers and Chandler's bedroom, leaving the three children to settle the mess on their own. She didn't want to stick around and get even more angry, she might end up saying or doing something she didn't mean.
Bridget just stared at the dog and then turned and left it lying on the floor. Then she returned again and angrily moved it to the couch, just like her Mother she couldn't stand things just lying around. Then she ran up to her room. Emma and Anthony didn't move for a while, Anthony was crying and Emma soon started doing the same. She went over and yanked her turtle back from her brother.
"See now what you did?" she angrily said and then stormed off to her own room.
Anthony cried harder and wanted to go to his Mother for comfort, but he didn't dare to. And he didn't dare to go to his oldest sister either since she was pretty mad too. He ended up sitting at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for someone to come and comfort him.
In the bedroom Monica grabbed one of Chandler's pillows and pressed it hard against her ears to shut out the sound of her son crying. She was crying herself, frustrated with the situation.
"Oh my God, how on earth will I be able to do this?" she said through her sobs. "Three children is almost too much, how on earth will I be able to handle four? I'm going to end up losing my temper all the time, what kind of a Mother will I be?"


Chandler came home three hours later and the first thing he saw was Anthony sitting right by the gate at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey there…" Chandler said. "What's up with you?"
"Everyone's mad" Anthony said, sounding ready to start crying again.
"Come here" Chandler said and lifted him up. He called out for Monica but got no answer, so he turned his attention back to his son. "Nobody came to help you with the gates, huh?" he said. "Want me to follow you upstairs?"
Anthony nodded and let his Father carry him up to his room. It seemed as if his Dad was the only one who wasn't mad, but he was still afraid of saying anything in case that might end up angering Chandler too. His Mother's outburst earlier had scared him, he had never before seen her lose control of her temper.
Chandler carried him to his room and stayed for a couple of minutes, helping Anthony get his toy cars out. Then he went over to Bridget's room and found her sulking on her bed.
"What's up, sunshine?" he asked her.
"Nothing" Bridget said in a grumpy tone.
"School nerves?"
"No."
"Wanna talk to your old man?"
"No" Bridget hissed.
Chandler nodded and walked over to her.
"Well give me a hug at least."
Bridget seemed to feel a bit bad about taking her anger out on him and hugged him tightly. Chandler got even more confused, something seemed to have happened but he couldn't figure out what it was. He left Bridget's room and went down to Emma's. Emma was asleep with her turtle in a secure grip, and he didn't have the heart to wake her up. He covered her up with the blanket Phoebe had given her for her fourth birthday and then went to the bedroom to change out of his clothes. He found Monica there, sitting on the bed and hugging one of his pillows.
"So this is where you are" he said. "I called out for you when I got home but I got no answer. What's going on?"
"Nothing" Monica said in a monotone.
"Don't tell me nothing, something's gotta be wrong."
"Chandler don't push it."
"That's a clear sign something's wrong."
"I said don't push it!" Monica snapped.
She turned so she was facing the wall and tried her best to ignore him. Chandler eyed her in confusion while grabbing a pair of jeans and a shirt from the closet. It was obvious that something was wrong and he was wondering if it was something he'd done, since she didn't want to talk about it.
"Monica…"
"What part of the sentence 'don't push it' is unclear to you?"
"Honey I wasn't pushing--"
"Well good, leave me alone then!"
Chandler shook his head and got down on the bed with her. She shrugged away from his gentle touch and angrily said his name when he placed his hands on her shoulders.
"Oh come on!" he angrily said. "What have I done?"
"When I say I want to be left alone I mean it!" Monica angrily said, turning to look at him.
"And when I say that I want to know what I've done, I mean it!" Chandler replied.
"Damn it I don't have a minute to myself at any part of the day, now I'm asking for some privacy, can't you respect that and just leave me alone?"
"You--" Chandler angrily began, but got interrupted by the doorbell.
Monica got off the bed as quickly as she could in her pregnancy and hurried to answer it. Chandler sighed heavily and took his tie off. He hated it when she was angry and wouldn't tell him why. And coming home to three grumpy children and an angry wife wasn't what he needed at the moment.


Six more weeks went by and Monica came closer to her due date. She was feeling terrible at the time, she was starting to feel like the worst Mother in history, and it didn't cheer her up to think about how her own Mother had acted. It only made her convinced she would end up the same way herself. And she was sick of the kind of life she was living, the only new thing that would happen in her life until Christmas would be another birth which meant yet another child to take care of. And she felt bad about taking all her anger out on Chandler, but not as bad as she had at first because he had pretty soon responded with giving her the cold shoulder. He didn't even ask her about her day anymore, he seemed to avoid any questions that weren't related to her pregnancy, his work or one of their friends. Instead he seemed to be focusing all of his energy on the children, making Monica feel even worse about her own job as a parent. So in the first week of September she decided that they couldn't keep that up when the new baby arrived, and signed them up for group counseling for people with marital problems. Chandler had muttered something when she told him that she hadn't been able to hear, but judging my the tone of his voice it hadn't been very flattering.
Two days before they were supposed to go to their first session Ross and Joey took the children out to a carnival in Central Park with a few merry-go-rounds and other things like that. Monica didn't fail to notice that Chandler stayed an extra hour at work that day, probably to postpone having to go home to his cranky wife. When he did get home she didn't say a word to him at first, she just angrily started peeling the potatoes.
"Hey" he mumbled, walking past her to go to their bedroom to get changed.
"Hello husband dearest" Monica muttered back.
He returned after a couple of minutes, dressed more casually, and opened the refrigerator. Monica gave him an annoyed glare.
"To think that you turned 41 earlier this year and I still have to tell you not to spoil your appetite."
"I thought dinner would be ready when I got home."
"Sorry master."
Chandler gave her a confused look and closed the refrigerator door again.
"Oh by the way, don't forget the counseling thing the day after tomorrow" Monica said.
"Do we really have to?" Chandler complained.
"Yes, we do."
"If we really need to go to family counseling don't you think it would be a lot better to do it alone, and not with like ten other couples?"
"They sent us some information sheet" Monica said, ignoring his question. "For the first session."
"And how much is it gonna cost?" Chandler asked with a sigh.
"It didn't say, it just gave us an assignment."
"To check which states have the highest divorce rates?" Chandler said sarcastically.
"No, we're supposed to think of five things about our significant other that annoys us" Monica said.
"Oh god, this is ridiculous!" Chandler said. "Monica can't you hear it yourself how ridiculous this sounds? How is naming five things about each other that annoys us going to make things better? Is rambling about our problems in any way going to help? Don't you think it's a hell of a lot better to try and focus on the parts we love about each other?"
Monica put the potato she was holding back down on the counter and turned around to face him. He was standing by the kitchen table, a couple of meters away from her. She felt the baby kick and automatically placed her hand on her belly.
"Don't you think that talking about what made us fall in love with each other is a lot smarter?" Chandler asked. "Wouldn't that help us out a lot more? I mean, if we focus on those parts then we'll probably be able to see past the things that we get annoyed over. For example, let me tell you why I fell in love with you, what it was about you that made me fall. It was of course partly the fact that you were sweet, and loving, and charming. But a lot of women have those qualities and I only fell for you. There was just something about you that made you irresistible to me, did you know, did I ever tell you that I had a small crush on you before we got together? I never thought it would lead to anything, but it did. The way you acted when we were alone together after London made it so hard for me not to fall in love with you. You're passionate and you're loving and you have this way of making all of my worries go away that I can't even understand. I love how you get upset over the little things, but the larger things you handle with an amazing calmness, you're the strongest woman I have ever known and I don't mean that just physically. Even though you're a Mother of three, soon to be four, you still manage to be my wife at the same time. But what I think attracts me most is that no one has ever honestly cared about me except for you. Nobody, not even my own family, has ever loved me not for who I am but because of who I am. You knew me well enough when we got together, you know who it was you fell in love with. Unlike everyone else I've ever been with you fell in love with the Chandler that I am, not with the Chandler I would like to be or pretend to be. You knew about my quirks, my insecurities, my faults, and you fell in love with me anyway. Nobody has honestly cared about me in that way except for you. I mean the children don't count, they love me since I'm their Daddy. You're different from them, you love me even though I wasn't your family to start out with."
"Long monologue" Monica said.
"Would you rather listen to one where I list five things about you that annoy me?"
"No."
He had walked closer to her while he was talking and now she took a step closer to him. She didn't look angry anymore and he had a look in his face that was silently saying that he was hoping she would tell him why she fell in love with him.
"I have to admit what you said surprised me" Monica said. "Personally I can't tell you why I fell in love with you, what made me fall in love. Honestly I don't know why it was."
Chandler looked down with a surrendering smile on his face. It wasn't what he had wanted to hear, and it made him confused. He was for the first time starting to doubt how strong her feelings were for him.
"You wanna look me in the eye?" Monica said.
Chandler looked up at her.
"The truth is, I can't put my finger to a special thing about you that made me fall in love, like I just said. All I know is at what time I realized I was in love. It was the night we'd gone to your boss Doug and his wife, Carrie or whatever her name was, for dinner. And I had gotten annoyed with your work-self and told you that I disliked it. And your boss had told some lame joke and you hadn't laughed your fake laugh. And when we were sleeping together that night I suddenly, out of nowhere, realized why you hadn't laughed at the joke. It was because I had said that I disliked it, and that I respected you when you weren't your work-self. You had probably known how annoyed your boss would get if you didn't laugh at his joke, but you told him anyway that you didn't find the joke funny."
"And then you saved me out of the situation…" Chandler said, remembering.
"Yeah, I did. And as I said, when we were having sex, I thought about that and about how touched I was by it. And then I realized that I was in love with you. And I have rarely been that freaked out."
"Thanks, babe" Chandler muttered.
"I was so convinced you didn't feel it back. That for you it was still just the original deal, lots of sex with no strings attached. And I was very well aware of your fears of commitment, I thought if I told you how I felt you'd be scared away. I figured I would just put off dealing with it… But since then I was always afraid of opening my mouth when we slept together, I was scared I would say that I love you in the middle of everything without thinking about it, and I didn't want you to find out that way. So you have no idea what it felt like to hear you loudly declare that you couldn't have sex with Phoebe because you're in love with me."
Chandler nodded his head. This was still not what he had hoped to hear. He didn't want to hear about what she had felt back then, he wanted to hear her tell him what she loved about him. He was feeling very insecure and he needed the affirmation.
"And to this day I don't know what it is about you that makes me love you" Monica continued. "And I think that's because it's too many things. I think it's everything about you. Because if I land on one thing, like your tenderness, I just realize that it's just as much your wit that makes me love you, and then I realize another thing, and another, and I could keep on all day long. But just because I can't pinpoint what I love about you it doesn't mean I don't feel so strongly for you that I would do anything to keep you…"
By now she had gotten so close to him that they were almost touching. They looked each other in the eye and she could tell that he was still a bit disappointed, that there was still something he wanted or needed to hear.
"Chandler…" she said, putting her arms around his neck. "Trust me, okay? I love you and I would never leave you." She saw that that didn't seem to make him feel any better, so she decided to give him an example of something he did that she loved him for. "Do you know how comforting it is to know deep down that I can always rely on you? That you just won't give up on you and me? I mean just look at us right now, fifteen minutes ago we were barely speaking and now we're declaring our love for one another. And it's not thanks to me, it thanks to you. And that's one of the many things that makes you so special…"
Chandler smiled slightly and gave her a tender kiss. She kissed him back and he put his arms around her, pressing her as close as she could get with her pregnant belly. They both forgot about the fact that it was close to two hours later than when they usually ate dinner, and that they were actually very hungry, when Monica took his hand and led him to the bedroom. They hadn't slept together for a couple of weeks and since she seemed willing to have sex Chandler gladly went along with it. During her earlier pregnancies she had lost her sex lust around her eighth month but now she was in her ninth and apparently more than willing. She didn't feel as big and unattractive as she had done before, since this time her pregnancy wasn't showing as much. They stayed in bed until they both realized how starving they were, and that their children might be back home in a short while. Then Monica got out of bed and made them a chicken salad instead of what she'd had in mind at first, and brought the food back for them to eat in bed.
"You want to know something?" Chandler said when she climbed back into bed.
"Sure."
"I don't like sleeping space anymore."
"Yeah, sure" Monica said in sarcasm.
"I'm serious" Chandler insisted. "We slept so close to one another this year in that small old bed… I got really use to having you so close I touched you. And you know what else? Ever since we moved here and started sleeping in our big bed again I've been cold on the side I usually had against you. I'm used to your body heat warming me there, but now you're too far away…"
"It's called arm's reach" Monica said.
"Yeah, what do you say we throw that out the window?"
"I say it can't hurt."


A week went by and Monica was starting to get nervous. Since she knew the baby had been conceived at Christmas she was expecting it around the 24th, and that was only a little more than a week away. Going through labour again wasn't something she was looking forward to, but at least she didn't feel anymore like it would be extremely hard to take care of four children.
She got out of the Porsche that she had parked outside of Bridget's school and walked inside. She always picked Bridget and Emma up after school, since she didn't want them walking home alone. She knew how long Bridget could take when she started chatting with her new friends in the class, and today Monica didn't have time since she was supposed to pick Emma up just fifteen minutes after Bridget, so she went over to Bridget's classroom and waited outside for her lesson to end. Monica knew that if Bridget saw her she would hurry up and not get drawn into conversations with her friends.
The school bell rang and shortly after the doors to the classrooms opened and the children came hurrying out. Monica noticed that Bridget didn't see her, so she walked over and lifted her up, even though she knew she wasn't supposed to in her condition. Bridget gave a surprised cry when she got lifted up, then felt the bum on her Mother's stomach and realized who it was.
"Mom! Daddy's gonna be mad if he found out you lifted something!" she said.
Monica laughed and let her down.
"Hurry up, will you" she said.
Bridget hurried off to get her jacket and backpack. Bridget's teacher, Mrs. Hoover, came out of the classroom and Monica smiled and nodded at her.
"So, who's Mother is this?" Mrs. Hoover asked.
"Bridget Bing's" Monica said. "Hi, I'm Monica."
"Nice to meet you Monica" Mrs. Hoover said and shook her hand. She didn't fail to notice the bum. "So, Bridget never told me she's having a sibling… When's the baby due?"
"Next week, actually" Monica told her, getting a look of disbelief from the other woman. "Yeah I know I don't exactly look it, but my due date is September 24th."
"Mommy don't talk to my teacher" Bridget whined, coming over and taking her Mother's hand.
"Oh I shouldn't talk to her, huh?" Monica said with a smile. "This usually means she knows about something I don't that involves you being naughty."
"Aren't we in a hurry?" Bridget tried.
Monica laughed and said goodbye to Mrs. Hoover, and walked out to the car with Bridget. While driving over to Emma's kindergarten a thought came to her. She was getting really sick of being a housewife, she didn't feel like it suited her even though she hated being away from the children all day long, which she would be if she worked. She hadn't thought about it much lately since she was pregnant again and would either way be at home for a couple of months with the new baby. But when she thought more closely about it, it felt depressing that she wouldn't have a job to return to. She didn't even know where to begin looking for one either, she had been unemployed for quite some time now. She wasn't sure if she wanted to go back to being a chef at some fancy restaurant, that would most likely mean long hours and working evenings and nights. She and Chandler had too little time together as it was, she didn't want to make it worse by working while he was at home and vice versa, even though that would make sure that someone was always at home with the children.


Chandler called out her name when he got home that afternoon but couldn't hear if she replied or not. He walked to their bedroom but didn't see her in there or in the kitchen. He could hear Bridget and Emma bickering about a Barbie doll in Emma's room, but decided to leave it up to them to solve, and walked upstairs since he realized Monica was probably up there with Anthony.
"Hey" he said, finding her on the living room couch with some paper sheets in front of her that she seemed to be studying closely.
"Hey honey" she said. "Guess what I'm gonna be doing during this 'maternity leave'?"
"Give birth?" Chandler suggested, and got himself one of the 'fancier' beers that Monica kept with the more alcoholic drinks in the bar in their living room.
"Well, that, but something else as well. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't drink the Coronas without a meal to go with it when we have regular Bud Ice in the fridge."
"You're just jealous 'cause I can drink and you can't, that's all" Chandler commented, not hinting with his voice that he was joking. He started looking through a stack of bills that for some reason were by the bar.
"I'm going to take some classes at NYU this year, and become a home-ec teacher."
Chandler looked up with a casually raised eyebrow and then returned to the bills.
"Honey are you listening to me?"
"Do you even need a college education to teach home economics?" he asked.
"These days you need a college education to work at McDonalds."
Chandler shrugged his shoulders and eyed through their phone bill.
"So what do you think?" Monica asked.
"Mmhmm" Chandler mumbled, obviously not listening too much.
"Thanks for taking such great interest in my life" Monica sighed.
"Wouldn't teaching home-ec be a step down for you?" Chandler asked.
"What, you can't take it seriously because I used to be a chef and now I want to become a teacher? I don't care, as long as I get to work with food. And don't give me any quips about it, you know better than to mess with pregnancy hormones."
"Well you know I'll support you if that's what you really want to do…" Chandler said. "But I wouldn't advice you to do it."
"Honey I'm actually excited about this! I'm so sick of just being home all day long, I want to start working again."
"So then send out a résumé to restaurants around here."
"But I want to try something new."
"Then write a book" Chandler said and shrugged his shoulders.
"How come I have to love you?" Monica moaned and Chandler laughed.
"Because otherwise I'd be out the door for drinking the Coronas."
"Oh yeah, you're right" Monica said, pretending to be serious. "That's the one and only reason."
"Ah, the love between a woman and her beer…" Chandler joked. "Who am I to compete with that?"
Monica laughed and threw a pillow on him,


Monica went into labour on September 28th, waking up with contractions at five in the morning. It took her a moment at first to realize what had woken her, but then she felt another contraction and knew what was up. She gently shook Chandler awake.
"Honey wake up… Time to become a Dada…"
"I already am a Dada" Chandler mumbled from somewhere under the quilts. Then suddenly he sat up so fast that most of the quilts flew off him. "Is it time?"
"Yeah, I'd say so…"
"Okay, okay…" Chandler said and got out of bed. "Christ, how can you be in labour, you don't even look like you've been pregnant for half a year" he mumbled under his breath has he pulled a pair of pants on.
"Will you wake Phoebe up?" Monica asked, getting out of bed herself.
"Sure, I'm on my way" Chandler said while pulling a sweater over his head.
He hurried out of their bedroom and went to the room that would soon be a nursery. Phoebe was asleep in the room, she was staying over until Monica went into labour, so that she could watch the children while Monica and Chandler were at the hospital.
"Wakeup call Phoebs" Chandler said, turning the lights on. "If we have a daughter we'll name her Phoebe as a middle name."
"Big deal" Phoebe yawned, trying her best to wake up. "You named Bridget and Emma Phoebe as a middle name too. Why not name this one Phoebe as a first name?"
"We can discuss this later, I have to go call a cab."
Phoebe nodded and yawned again. She sat up in bed and stretched. She could go back to sleep if she wanted to, since neither of the children needed anything at the time, but she was feeling a bit anxious about Monica's delivery and she knew she wouldn't be able to go to sleep again.
She found her robe and put it on, and then walked out in the hall and then to the kitchen where Monica was sitting on the kitchen couch, dressed in a maternity dress that Phoebe knew she'd worn when they left for the hospital to have Bridget. Phoebe sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders.
"Chandler's calling a cab" she said.
"I know" Monica said.
"You in pain?"
"No, I'm not having a contraction right now… I haven't had more than one since I woke up, I think they're at least twenty minutes apart."
"Well that's good."
"Actually not, I'd rather it went quickly."
"True…"
"Mommy?" Emma said with a yawn, appearing in the doorway. "Why is everyone up?"
"Sweetie what are you doing out of bed?" Monica asked.
"I woke up. Why are you dressed, are you going somewhere?"
"Yes, Daddy and I are going to go and have the baby… You'll stay here with Phoebe and your siblings."
Chandler entered from the bedroom carrying a baby monitor and handing it to Phoebe.
"This one goes to Anthony's room, we keep it so that he can call for us if he needs anything instead of walking down the stairs or screaming so loud he wakes up the other two."
"Great, thanks" Phoebe said and took the monitor.
"Mon, the cab is here" Chandler said.
Monica nodded and rose, but sat down again when she got a contraction. She smiled slightly at the familiar pain that she knew would get a lot worse before it got any better. She put her hand on her belly, and it felt weird that it was so small compared to how big it had been the three previous times she had felt this pain.
Chandler helped her to her feet once the contraction ended and they walked into the hallway along with Phoebe, who was carrying Emma. Monica and Chandler got their outdoor clothes and the bag Monica had prepared.
"Mommy? Daddy?" they heard Anthony's voice from the top of the stairs.
"Anthony honey go back to bed!" Monica said, looking up at him.
"Where are you going?"
"To get the baby" Chandler said. He knew Monica had told him some story about how parents go and choose a baby when they want one, instead of telling him about labour.
"Okay…" Anthony said.
"So go back to bed honey" Monica said.
"No I want to come."
"You can't come with us" Chandler said.
"Why not?"
"Only Mommies and Daddies are allowed to come" Monica said with a sigh, hoping this wouldn't take long.
"Well then…" Anthony said. "Don't take a girl. And don't take one that cries all the time."
"We'll do our best" Chandler said, and ushered Monica out the door before any other requests came.
"Call me once it's, you know, over!" Phoebe said. "I wish I could go with you!"
"I wish you could too" Monica said, remembering that only during her first birth had all of her friends been there.
"Good luck" Phoebe said.
"Thanks. Bye Phoebs" Chandler said and closed the door.
"So…" Phoebe said to Emma. "Are you tired? What do you say I go put your brother back to bed and then you and I make some hot cocoa and tell stories?"


"Looks like our fourth one will be sharing a birthday with quite a few" Chandler commented, looking around in the room.
The first three times she had given birth, Monica had done so without any other women in labour in the room, but this time she had to share a room because of how many women were in the middle of giving birth.
"Either it's this neighborhood, or Christmas is just a really romantic time of the year" Monica added.
Chandler nodded.
"I'm gonna go get you some ice chips, we should have had you eat breakfast before we left."
"I'll be okay, I've got the IV to rely on…"
Chandler grinned and kissed her on the forehead.
"I'm not too comfortable leaving you, even for a short while, but you know what you're doing and you can cope alone for a few minutes" he said, and then left.
Monica looked over at the other woman in the room. She was quite young, around twenty-one or twenty-two, and her boyfriend or husband seemed to be around the same age. The guy rose and said he had to go to the bathroom. The girl looked quite scared and Monica gave her a smile.
"First baby?" she asked.
"Uh-hu… And right now I really don't want anymore children!" the girl said, sounding quite anxious.
"It's my fourth" Monica said with a smile.
"When are you due?" the girl asked.
"Right now."
"Really?" the girl said. "You don't look like it."
"Yeah I know…" Monica said and stroke her stomach. "But I got pregnant around Christmas and now I'm in labour."
The girl nodded.
"I actually got pregnant in January, I guess I'm a bit early…"
"What's your name?"
"Dionna."
"Cute name. I'm Monica."
Dionna nodded and gave a cry, getting a contraction. Monica watched wordlessly as she got a painful expression on her face and cried out in pain. She silently wondered if that's how she herself acted during her contractions, and in that case how Chandler endured it. She thought it was tough enough watching someone she barely knew like that. She felt a contraction of her own coming and she closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. After a while it faded out and she opened her eyes again, and looked over at Dionna.
"Is the guy you're with your boyfriend, or your husband?" she asked. "If you don't mind me asking."
"My boyfriend" Dionna said. "What about yours? Husband, I assume."
"Yeah."
"Yeah, I figured… with four children and all. It must be quite different to plan a pregnancy. I got pregnant by accident."
"So did I actually, this time and the last" Monica said. "Actually we never planned pregnancies, we just… didn't use birth control."
"How are we doing?" Chandler asked, returning with her ice.
"Just fine, you missed one" Monica said.
"Oh well, miss one and there'll always be another."
"Watch it" Monica said with a glare, then smiled.
Chandler sat down next to her and handed her the ice. She smiled at him and suddenly felt thankful that he wanted this baby. She got the feeling that maybe Dionna's boyfriend didn't want the baby he was going to get pretty soon.
"What else did I miss out on while I was gone?" Chandler asked.
"Me striking up a conversation with the girl in the other bed" Monica said. "Chandler this is Dionna, Dionna this is my husband Chandler."
"Howdy" Chandler said.
"Hi" Dionna said, sounding quite shy.
Her boyfriend returned and sat down next to her, not saying much. Chandler was in a much more social mood, he told Monica to scoot and then climbed up on the bed with her. He started talking about some incident that had occurred while he was getting the ice, and then got out a crossword puzzle from his back pocket.
"They had more things than just ice down at the nurse station" he said and grabbed a pen from the nightstand. "Let's see if we can finish this before we're parents of four."
Monica nodded and leaned closer to him while they started working on the crossword puzzle together. They both looked up when they heard painful cries from Dionna. They shared a look and then Monica got a contraction as well. She leaned forward and Chandler placed one hand on her shoulder and massaged the small of her back with the other. Monica once again felt how strange it was to have such a small stomach even though she was in the middle of giving birth.
When her contraction faded out she leaned back again and Chandler asked if she was doing okay. She told him yes and they went back to the crossword puzzle. Monica's contractions started coming closer quite soon, and each time she heard a cry of pain from the bed next to hers she felt thankful that at least she herself had a man who knew what he was doing when he helped her out. Dionna's boyfriend mostly just looked out of place.
Right after 2 p.m. the obstetrician announced that it was time for her to push, and Chandler got off her bed for the first time since he'd gotten up on it. Monica cried out in pain and felt his hand gently squeeze her shoulder, which seemed to make it all easier. She turned to look at him but stopped moving her head when she caught Dionna's eyes. The girl looked even more terrified now, she still had a few centimeters to go herself but Monica having to push seemed to scare her. Monica gave her what she hoped was a reassuring smile and for some reason felt like she had the responsibility to comfort the scared mother-to-be. She decided to try her best not to scream and to make the whole delivery go as smoothly as possible, to not scare the poor girl even more. She didn't realize that she probably only felt like she had to do that so that she had something else to focus on than the pain.
"Okay now babe…" Chandler whispered in her ear. "This is it, you know what to do. In just a few minutes you're going to be a Mama again."
"Uh-hu" was all Monica managed to say without screaming.
She blindly reached out for Chandler and got a hold of his neck. She pulled him closer and started to squeeze him hard before he managed to move her hand to a less vulnerable place than his neck.
"Okay, just keep focusing on the baby and this is going to be just fine" he said with a more calm tone than how he was really feeling.
"Okay Monica, push!" the obstetrician said.


"Bing residence, how may I help you?" Phoebe answered the phone, loving each opportunity she got to answer it like that.
"Hey Phoebs, it's me" Chandler's tired voice said.
"Chandler, oh my God, how did it go?" Phoebe asked, unable to hide her excitement.
"Is it Daddy?" Bridget asked, looking up from her coloring book.
Phoebe nodded.
"We have a baby girl" Chandler told her.
"Aww, that's so great! And everything went well?"
"At first, yes. But during the delivery there were complications."
"Oh no…"
This time both Bridget and Emma looked up, not liking the sound of the 'oh no'.
"Nothing life threatening or anything… Monica's okay now… Although they don't think she's able to conceive again."
"Well lucky it wasn't anything worse" Phoebe said. "You got off easily. I mean, four is a good number isn't it?"
"I think I'll call it my lucky number" Chandler said. "How have the kids been?"
"Little angels, the girls are coloring by the kitchen table and I think Anthony's having his own Monza race in his room."
"Good…" Chandler said. "Tell them that I miss them, tell them that Monica does too… I'll be coming home for a short while, but I'll go back here later. Monica isn't feeling really well, she got quite a scare from the complications and so did I, but it's worse for her. And besides, if you saw what a cute, and surprisingly big, baby girl we have you wouldn't want to leave here either."
"So the baby wasn't really small then?" Phoebe asked.
"No, it's just psychedelic stuff apparently" Chandler said. "How big the pregnant stomach gets, I mean. And apparently this little one lay closer to her spine, which made the bum smaller."
"Phoebs I want to talk to Daddy!" Bridget said.
"Me too!" Emma said.
"No, me!"
"Why do you always get to do everything?"
"Because I'm seven and a half years old, I'm grown" Bridget said.
"Someone here wants to talk to you" Phoebe said to Chandler with a grin. "Hang on."
She gave the phone to Bridget.
"Hi Daddy!"
"Hey Bridget" Chandler said, smiling at the sound of her voice. "Guess what? You're Mother's given birth to another baby!"
"Cool!" Bridget said, as if she hadn't had the slightest idea that was the reason her parents weren't at home when she woke up that morning. "What kind did you have?"
"A girl!"
"Haha, I know what kind it is" Bridget said teasingly to Emma, who stuck her tongue out at her.
"Hello?" Chandler said.
"I'm here!" Bridget hurried to assure.
"Listen honey, I have to go now, but I'll be home soon to get some things, and say hi to you guys of course."
"When's Mommy coming home?"
"End of next week. Say hello to the others, bye now."
Chandler hung up and went back to the room where Monica and the baby was. They now had their own room, Monica had been moved very hastily to the ER room when the situation had gotten critical during her delivery. Chandler was thankful that they had their own room, he wasn't very good at public affection and he didn't want to have to hold back on his affection and emotion towards Monica and the newborn child.
"Hey…" Monica said, with a pale face and a tired voice, when he entered.
"Hey" Chandler echoed and sat down next to her, taking her hand.
During each of her monthly checkups Monica had left some of her blood in case she would need it during the delivery, and it had come in handy today. She had lost a lot more blood than during her previous deliveries, but Chandler thought she was doing surprisingly well. She was shocked, but he only felt that was natural. The infant was asleep in a small crib right next to her and Chandler took another good look at the little child. He had never found babies to be anything special, except for his own children. With them he hadn't been able to take his eyes off them, and he never wanted to be apart from them.
"What should we name our little goldilocks?" Chandler asked, gently caressing the baby's head that had black hair, not blonde.
"Goldilocks?" Monica asked in a tired voice, obviously confused.
"I couldn't think of any nickname with black haired people" Chandler excused himself. "You know, I think I'll just call this one goldilocks, whether she actually gets blonde hair like Bridget or not."
"You and your nicknames…" Monica said.
"Nicknames aside though… What should we name her?"
"Can we talk about this later?" Monica said. "I just want to go to sleep…"
Chandler nodded and kissed her lovingly on the forehead.
"I'm gonna go home for a while and say hello to the girls and to the one who's now an older brother. I'll be back before you know it."
Monica nodded, more asleep than awake.


The next Saturday Monica sat up in bed, feeding the little girl who still didn't have a name. Chandler was sitting right next to her, looking on with a loving expression on his face. Monica had come home earlier that day and the three older children had demanded her attention all day long. But she wasn't as tired and worn as she'd expected to be. She was a lot happier being back home than being at the hospital.
"You know…" Chandler said, stroking Monica's hair with one hand and holding the baby's foot with the other. "We can't just call her Goldilocks forever."
"I know" Monica said with a giggle. "What do you want to name her?"
"I promised Phoebe we'd name her Phoebe as a middle name."
"I had already decided that if we had a girl she'd have that middle name" Monica said. "Her older sisters have that middle name and I think it's cute when they all have the same name."
"Do you want to name her Rachel for a first name?"
"No, Rachel is way too ordinary" Monica said. "It sound be a bit more unusual. Unusual and pretty."
"How about Chandler?" Chandler jokingly suggested. "Which gives me an actual idea… Can't we name her Monica after you?"
"Aww, that would be sweet…" Monica said. "But in the long run I think it would get confusing."
"Such a shame, 'cause that's truly one of the most beautiful names in the world" Chandler said and kissed the top of her head.
"You're just saying that because you're in love with me" Monica said with a smile.
"Totally untrue, my friend. If I had married someone else I would have wanted to name one of our daughters Monica."
"Yeah, you can try and bullshit me…"
"Well how about… Yvonne?"
"No, sounds too… snooty…"
"Too snooty?"
"I just don't like it."
"Well then how about Jessica?"
"Too common."
"Helen?"
"As in your first secretary?"
"Fine, you suggest something."
"How about…" Monica said, thinking for a second. "Marjorie?"
"No, I don't really think she looks like a Marjorie."
"Myra?"
"Not that either."
"What do you think she looks like then?" Monica asked.
"A… Mallory."
"I don't know honey, Mallory sounds too much like mallard duck."
"How come an argument like that sounds rational coming from you, but crazy coming from me?" Chandler asked. "I want to name her that."
"You know what name I've always liked?"
"No."
"Charlotte."
"As in 'Charlotte's Webb'?"
"Or Charlotte Brontë…"
"So it's either Charlotte or Mallory then" Chandler decided. "Why don't we make it a double name. You know, like they do a lot in Scandinavia."
"You want to name the poor thing Mallory-Charlotte?" Monica asked. "Or Charlotte-Mallory? Don't you think that will make children pick on her?"
"Fine," Chandler sighed, "let's not give her either name."
"What other suggestions do you have?"
"Uhm, I don't know… Candice."
"Sounds like a porn actress or something."
"Or like Candice Cameron. But okay, other suggestions…" He thought for a second. "Annie, Mona, Amber, Denise, Christina, Thelma, any of those names good?"
"Possibly…" Monica said, thinking about it. "Give me more suggestions."
"Why don't I just call Ross and ask him to come by and drop of 'The Big Book of Children's Names'?" Chandler quipped, and then went back to trying to figure out names. "Madeleine, Catherine, Polly, Sue, Francesca, Dana."
"Wait, back up there!" Monica said. "I liked Francesca."
"You did?" Chandler said, looking surprised.
"Yeah. It's pretty, it's not too common…"
"Maybe that's for a reason" Chandler quipped.
"Well you suggested it, don't you think it's pretty?"
"I've never thought about it" Chandler said. "But yeah, it's nice."
"So what do you say?" Monica asked. "We name her Francesca?"
"Then half the family has two-syllable names and the other half has three" Chandler said. He smiled. "You know what, the name kinda' grows on you… I like it."
"Francesca…" Monica said lovingly, with a slight pondering tone, as she moved the baby over to her other breast. "Phoebe Francesca Bing… It sounds better than Francesca Phoebe."
"So the middle name first?"
"Yeah."
Chandler smiled and stroke the baby's head with the hand that had been holding her foot. She had lots of hair on her head in the same color as Monica's, that was now cut a bit shorter. It had reached below her hips but now it was right by her waist. At the moment it was hanging loose and Chandler loved it. He was crazy about her hair. He returned his attention to the baby, instead of his wife's hair, and stroke her head once again. Francesca had her eyes closed, but she opened them again and Chandler for some reason wondered what she was seeing, what things looked like from her perspective. He wondered if she could see color yet. If she could, it was most likely just yellow. Her eyes were blue, like any infant's, but he could tell they would end up with the same color as Monica's eyes. Francesca stopped sucking on her Mother's breast and yawned. Both Monica and Chandler chuckled lovingly and Chandler carefully wiped off a small milk moustache on her upper lip.
"Sleep tight little one" Monica said and lifted her up to her shoulder to burp her, even though the baby was close to falling asleep. "The longer you sleep, the longer your Dad and I get to sleep."
"Sometimes I can understand why my parents had a nanny who got up when I screamed in the middle of the night" Chandler said.
"I can't imagine my Mother getting up in the middle of the night to take care of me when I was an infant" Monica said and got off the bed. She walked over to the cradle and put Francesca down. "At least not doing it with love. Sometimes I wonder if she's ever looked at me with the love I feel when I look at our kids."
"Some people aren't good at expressing love" Chandler said and pulled her in to a hug when she came close enough. "That doesn't mean they don't feel it."
"But then how come she could show it to Ross?"
"Well…" Chandler said, searching for an explanation. "Mothers tend to favor their sons and Fathers tend to favor their daughters. I guess it's because a man sees himself in his sons more than in his daughters and vice versa with the women, so they expect the child that… well, the dads expect their sons to be more like themselves, and mothers the same with their daughters. Maybe she wasn't too pleased with the person she was and wanted to get sort of a second chance through you, but you were your own person and wouldn't be her… marionette…"
"I don't know. Maybe. And you might be right about the thing you said about favoring the child that doesn't have your gender…"
"Even I have to be right sometimes" Chandler said with a grin. "Now let's go to bed and make out for a while, before we go to sleep. What do you say?"
"I say just give me a second to turn off the lights" Monica said with a grin.


Two months later Monica woke up and got out of bed to check on Francesca. The baby was the only child at home at the moment, the other three were away for the week together with Chandler's Mother, who had taken them down to Disneyworld. Monica hadn't wanted to let them go away without her and Chandler, but eventually Chandler had talked her in to letting them. He knew how much the children wanted to go, and that his Mother really wanted to take them. And he thought it would be a good break for all of them, letting the three older children have a week off from being around the crying infant, and at the same time giving him and Monica a chance to concentrate completely on their youngest child.
Chandler had taken the week off, but had gotten called in to work this morning. Monica remembered that she had woken up when the telephone had rung, and that Chandler had gotten out of bed and told her where he was going. She felt a bit sad that he had to work, it had been a great week just being the two of them and little Francesca, but at the same time it felt good getting a day almost to herself.
She got dressed, then dressed Francesca in a romper suit and carried her with her in a carry-reins for small children. She went into the kitchen and made herself some breakfast while chatting with the baby who was looking at the kitchen, with her right cheek resting against her Mother. She occasionally made a noise, but she didn't start crying.
Monica took the opportunity to get some cleaning done, carrying Francesca with her all the time, and then decided to go take a bath. She realized how late it was, it was past three p.m., and decided to take the cordless phone with her in case the other children would call.
"I don't take enough baths" Monica moaned when she sunk back in a foam bath in the upstairs bathroom.
She lowered her head so it was completely under the surface and then lifted it up again. She looked at Francesca who was still in her romper suit and her Mickey Mouse socks, sitting in the old baby-lift that had started out as Bridget's. Monica remembered sentimentally how she had often taken baths when they only had Bridget, and how she had always put the child in the baby lift and placed it on the toilet like she had done with Francesca now.
She hummed on a new ballade that was very popular at the moment, and even tried her singing voice a bit even though she knew she wasn't exactly a new Celine Dion. She laughed at the disapproving look on Francesca's face when she sang a few tunes. Then she heard the front door open and close, and Chandler's voice calling out for her.
"Upstairs bathroom!" she called back.
She heard him walk up the stairs and then he entered the bathroom, wearing one of her favorite suits and a tie she had given him for his birthday, saying it was from the children. He smiled when he noticed her and the baby and walked over to her. He sat down on the side of the bathtub and reached in for a kiss.
"Don't get me wet now" he warned her. "This is a nice suit, you know…"
"I love that suit. If you don't want it wet, take it off."
"Don't say things like that, it just makes me horny and now is not the time or place…"
Monica giggled and playfully splashed water at him.
"Yikes, I had no idea you were so immature still at 39" Chandler said, imitating the voice of a snooty British professor that worked with Ross.
"Well what had you expected, I spend my days at home with four kids" Monica said with a grin.
"Speaking of, Mom called, they're coming back early."
"They are? How come?"
"She didn't say. But they'll be back sometime tonight."
"That early?"
"Yepp…" Chandler said. "Now you stay in the bath and Franchie and I will go cook dinner." He lifted the baby lift up and walked out of the bathroom. "Now what pizza do you think Mommy wants?" he asked the baby, as he walked down the stairs.


That evening Monica and Chandler were seated by the kitchen table with a cup of coffee each, in the middle of a conversation, when the front door opened and they could hear Chandler's Mother enter with the kids.
"Hello there" Nora Bing said about thirty seconds later, showing up in the doorway. "I don't have time to chat, I'm just gonna take their outdoor clothes off and then I have to run."
"What's up Nora?" Monica asked.
"Leno got a cancellation on one of his guests tonight, so they called and asked if I could come on the show today instead of on Monday" Nora explained, while walking back to the children who were busy trying to get their outdoor clothes off.
"You'd think Leno would have handed over the job of hosting the 'Tonight Show' by now" Chandler muttered.
Bridget came running in to the kitchen.
"Hi Mom, hi Dad!" she said. "We had the best week, you should see the castle Cinderella has!"
"Yay, maybe we can all go sometime" Monica said with a smile, giving her oldest child a hug. "I missed you guys."
"You don't have to get mushy on me Mom…"
"Aww, come on now…" Chandler said and hugged her as well. "Didn't you miss Daddy? No crying out for me in the night? No missing my bedtime stories?"
"Okay, but only a little" Bridget admitted.
"Bye now you guys" Nora said, reappearing in the doorway. "Really sorry about the haste, but I have to be in LA in only a matter of hours!"
"Good thing it only takes three hours these days" Chandler said. "Bye Mom, thanks for giving them a week they won't forget in a long while."
"I love you guys, see you later!"
With that, Nora was gone. Emma came into the kitchen as well, and both Monica and Chandler stole hugs from her.
"Where's Anthony?" Monica asked.
"He's not feeling good" Emma said.
"Grandma' says he's airsick" Bridget filled in.
"Yeah, I used to be airsick when I was little…" Chandler said.
Anthony showed up in the doorway, looking a bit dizzy.
"Anthony, honey, come here…" Monica said gently.
Anthony looked up at her and looked like he was trying to focus his eyes. Monica thought he looked awfully pale. Then suddenly he fainted, and Monica darted up from her chair and hurried over to him, followed by Chandler.
"My God, Chandler's he's passed out, I think he's unconscious!" she said, lifting the boy up. "What do we do, what do we do?"
"Easy, take it easy" Chandler said, hoping she wouldn't freak out. "It could be anything, maybe he's just a very airsick child, he might have not eaten enough… Jetlagged perhaps…"
"Jetlag? From Florida to here?" Monica said in disbelief.
"Look, it's nothing, I promise you…"´Chandler said, trying to be calm.
"Nothing? Chandler he's unconscious!"
"What's wrong?" Emma asked, sounding scared.
"Is Anthony okay?" Bridget asked.
"He's fine, he'll be fine" Chandler repeated.
"He's not fine!" Monica cried.
Chandler silenced her with an angry look to remind her that she was scaring Bridget and Emma. She took a deep breath and tried to keep the panic at bay and the tears from starting to fall. Chandler took Anthony from her and walked back to the hall, putting his jacket back on.
"I'm going to take him to the hospital, just to check it out. He'll probably wake up in the car, but I don't think you'll be able to take it easy until you know for sure that nothing's wrong" he said, putting his own jacket on.
"I'm coming too" Monica said, and reached for her jacket.
"And leave the girls? What if Francesca wakes up? No you stay here, I'll be back real soon" Chandler said and left.


Monica flew to her feet when she heard the front door open, and ran out to the hall. It was late, the girls were in bed, and she was worried sick by now. Chandler had called and told her it would take a while but he hadn't said how long it would be, and by now she had started to fear the worst. She walked over to him and lifted the sleeping Anthony over to her own arms so Chandler, who looked tired, could get his outdoor clothes off.
"How did it go?" Monica asked.
"They've asked us to come in again tomorrow" Chandler said. "They took a bunch of tests but it would take a while… They said we could go home, but that he needs rest."
"Could it maybe be something more simple?" Monica asked. "Like diabetes?"
"Does that qualify as simple?" Chandler asked, and walked upstairs, followed by Monica. "It's probably nothing serious" he added when he sat down on one of the living room couches, but Monica could hear that he didn't sound so sure this time.
"You think so?" she asked anyway, and sat down next to him.
"Yeah" Chandler lied. "He's a tough kid, he's going to be just fine…"
Monica nodded and kissed the top of Anthony's head.
"Maybe you should get him to bed" Chandler said. "I'm gonna go check on the girls. Then I suggest we go to bed, it's getting late and I've been up since six… And it's been quite a rough day."
Monica nodded and went into Anthony's room with the boy. She put him down in his clothes, instead of taking them off and putting a pajamas on, since she didn't want to risk waking him up. She lovingly kissed him on the forehead and sat by his bedside until Chandler came in to give the boy a kiss goodnight, and then led Monica back downstairs to their own room.


Twenty-four hours later Monica was watching Anthony sleep again, this time it was in a hospital bed. She was sitting on a chair next to his bed in the dark room, and she shuddered at how small he looked. It was scary to see him in a hospital bed, neither of her children had been to the hospital for anything else than checkups since they were born.
She didn't look up when someone entered. She knew it was Chandler. He was carrying Francesca in the baby lift, and he put her down on a small table opposite the bed. Anthony had gotten a room to himself, neither Monica nor Chandler had asked why, they were glad they didn't have to share a room. They wanted their privacy.
"I'll stay here tonight" Chandler said, placing his hands on her shoulders. "You go home to Emma and Bridget."
"No, I'll stay, you can go home" Monica protested. "I don't want to leave him tonight."
"Neither do I."
"Then we can both stay. Ross and Erica can easily take care of the girls."
"I don't think we should do that" Chandler said. "They're probably scared, they're old enough to know that something's wrong with their brother. Having both their parents gone tomorrow morning, or if they wake up in the middle of the night, would probably be bad for them. And Francesca shouldn't have to spend the night here."
"And you're going to say that I should leave, since it should be her Mother at home with her, aren't you?" Monica stated.
"I can't nurse her, you know that. And you don't have any milk pumped out. And we've never given her formula."
"Fine…" Monica said with a sigh. "But I'm not leaving yet."
Chandler nodded.
"We should probably try and make some sort of schedule while--"
"Shit!" Monica exclaimed.
"What?"
"Schedule! I start at NYU on Monday! Shit Chandler, I'm going to have to drop out!"
"Can't you study through the Net?" Chandler suggested. "I could set up my laptop here… You could surf from here, you wouldn't have to miss anything. And then you could be here with Anthony during the days. Francesca can be here with you, Emma and Bridget are in school, we'll find someone who can pick them up."
"And you during the nights?" Monica said. "You can't stay here every night, you have to work during the day. No, it's better that I take nights and you…" She drifted off when she realized he couldn't be at the hospital and at work at the same time.
"I still have eight of my ten weeks of paternity leave" Chandler said. "I'll take those weeks off now, he should be back home in eight weeks after all. Or I'll just say my son is sick and try to get some time off with that. Mothers can take however much time they want when their kids are sick, why shouldn't I get to do the same? But if it doesn't work then at least I'll have eight weeks and he'll get better in that time."
"Well what if he isn't?" Monica asked. "What if he's still here over Emma's birthday? What if he's here over his own? What if he never comes home again Chandler!"
Chandler shushed her gently and rubbed her shoulders.
"Don't think like that…"
"I just don't get this… How could he have gotten this, this streptococci… thing?"
"I don't know" Chandler said. "Who knows? But listen honey, he's going to be just fine. Medicine has come a long way in just the past couple of years, I'm positive they can help him."
But he wasn't as sure as he sounded. And when Monica left with Francesca an hour later he sat down on the chair she'd been sitting on, and watched his sleeping son. He wondered if he would ever get to see him sleeping in his own bed again.


Monica managed to dry her tears, but she knew she would probably start crying again any minute. She didn't understand fully what was going on, she hadn't had the time to sit down and find out more about the disease that Anthony had, which was more of an infection than a disease anyway. He had just recovered from critical condition, and Monica was afraid to close her eyes even for a second. Chandler was there too, but she hardly noticed him. All she could think about was how close she had come to losing her son, and how tiny and vulnerable he looked.
"Mon, it's okay now" Chandler said softly, trying to comfort her.
"No it isn't" Monica said, starting to cry again. "No it's not. He could have died today Chandler."
"I know but he didn't, and you have to focus on that bit" Chandler insisted.
"But I can't! He's so small, he's just a three year old little boy, what happens the next time his fever rises again and he gets worse? What happens the next time he starts hallucinating?"
"I don't know" Chandler honestly said. "But until then try not to think about it too much. It will drive you crazy."
"I can't take seeing him like this!"
"I can't either" Chandler said, near tears as well. "But I can't take seeing you in this state either. You have to pull yourself together Mon, for my sake, for his sake, for our daughters' sake."
"He's my only boy" Monica sobbed. "I can't lose him!"
"No more than you can lose one of your girls" Chandler said.
As if on cue, Francesca started to cry. Chandler recognized it as her hunger cry and waited for Monica to get up and walk over to her. But Monica didn't move. Chandler said her name twice, but got no reaction. She stopped sobbing but tears kept falling down her face. She seemed to go catatonic, her eyes were locked on Anthony and she didn't appear to move a muscle.
"Monica Francesca needs you!" Chandler said firmly.
Monica didn't make a single move to have heard him, or the crying child for that matter. Chandler groaned in frustration, not knowing what to do. He couldn't help the baby, no matter what he did she would keep screaming until she was fed. And he couldn't stand listening to her cries. He rose and walked over to the table where the baby lift was standing. He lifted it up and carried it over to the bed and put it down to Monica's left, below Anthony's feet. Then he left the room. He realized that no matter how focused she was on Anthony at the moment, and how much she tried to shut out everything else, she wouldn't be able to ignore a crying baby for long, especially not when it was her own baby.
Monica didn't react at all. Her head was full of blame, she blamed herself for everything that hadn't been perfect in her son's short life, blamed herself for him being poor almost his entire life, blamed herself for every scratch he had gotten. She blamed herself for not being with him when he first got sick, for letting him go to Disneyworld without his parents, and she was feeling terrible over every time she had told him off or been mad at him, or the few times she had just ignored him when he had gotten too unruly. And she was terrified that she would lose him now, even though she loved all of her children equally he was her only son, and that made her more afraid of losing him. At least she told herself that now, she didn't know if she would be any less scared if it was one of the girls. She kept shutting out everything else than him. Then suddenly she snapped back to reality. The sound of Francesca's crying finally seemed to get through to her and she felt guilty again, this time for ignoring her baby like that.
"Come here, come here" she said to the baby and lifted her into her arms. "Oh my God I'm so sorry, I am so sorry sweetie… I didn't mean to ignore you, how could I do that? I'm so sorry, Mommy's so sorry, please forgive me Francesca…" She opened her blouse and gave the baby her breast, and while Francesca slowly stopped sobbing when she got the comfort and food, Monica's tears began falling again. "I'm so, so sorry…" she whispered. "Please forgive me honey, I didn't mean to ignore you. How could I treat you that way? I'm so, so very sorry…"
Chandler was leaned against the wall outside of the room with his eyes closed. He had just reached the point where he thought he couldn't take listening to the baby's cries any longer when he heard Monica's voice talking to the baby, and Francesca getting quiet. He knew Monica had begun nursing her, and he sighed with relief. He only hoped she was concentrating on the baby at the moment, instead of just holding her while she nursed. He opened the door and walked back inside again. He came close to smiling when he saw Monica nursing with her back against him, whispering to the baby, but one look at his son kept the smile away. He walked over to his wife and put his hands on her shoulders, leaned in and kissed her on the top of her head.
"They're my children too, you know" he said in a low voice. "Please don't ignore one of them, or three of them. They all need you."
"I'm sorry" Monica said in a sob.
"It's okay… I know how you're feeling, trust me I do. I'm scared too, very scared. But Francesca is just an infant, she needs you more than Anthony does, whether you know it or not. And Bridget and Emma need our support, they need us to be able to act like everything's okay sometimes. They're too little to fully understand, especially Emma, and they need to get a chance to live as if everything was as it should."
"I know" Monica whispered.
"I love you."
"I love you too… I just can't go through this, each time I leave this room I never want to come back again, and each time I get home I just want to come back here to Anthony. And I just keep thinking that it can get worse at any point… This Christmas we might be only five in the family, instead of six."
"We'll be six" Chandler mumbled and kissed the top of her head. "Just don't be so sad all the time… Focus on the good parts. Appreciate Bridget and Emma. And when Anthony is awake, don't be mushy and cry, be strong for him."
"I promise. To try at least."
"That's all I wanted to hear…" Chandler said and kissed the top of her head again. "That's all you ever have to say…"


"Dad, when's Mom coming home?" Emma asked, trying her best not to sound whiny or sad. "It's Christmas Eve after all…"
"I don't know, sweetie" Chandler answered, even if he knew that the answer was that she would come home as soon as Chandler arrived at the hospital to 'take over the watch'. But he didn't have the heart to tell Emma that. "She'll be home before you know it" he said instead.
"She's not coming home, is she?" Bridget asked, being a true pessimist. "She's going to stay until after you've left home and gotten to the hospital, just like always."
"Yeah, probably" Chandler admitted with a sigh.
"But it's Christmas" Emma said, trying hard not to cry. "We're supposed to be together, that's what you've always told us Christmas is about."
"I know, and that is the truth" Chandler said and sat down next to the girls around the dining room table. "And I hate as much as you that we're separated. You two and me at home, Mommy, Anthony and Francesca at the hospital."
"Poor Fran, spending her first Christmas at the hospital" Emma said, using the nickname she had for her little sister since she found her full name too long.
"I wish she could be here at home too" Chandler said, and ran his hand through her hair. "But you know, maybe it will be okay anyway… It's almost six o'clock, you two are soon going to bed and tomorrow morning Santa will probably have left you gifts."
"That's not the point of Christmas" Bridget whined. The two past Christmases had given her a whole different look on the holiday than all of her friends had.
"No I know" Chandler said. "But at least it's something."
Bridget gave him a smile that didn't seem to honest. He knew they missed Monica, they had never spent Christmas without both their parents before, and he knew they disliked the situation enough as it was. The first hour or so after he and Monica had switched between hospital and home Emma and Bridget were thrilled to have the parent who was home at the time, but then they just started missing the one who wasn't there. And it went on like that day after day.
"Come on girls, finish your cocoa and let's get you two to bed" he said.
"This early? Dad!" Emma whined.
"Hey, you're five years old, I'm 41, I have the right to decide when it's time for bed" Chandler said, smiling slightly. "Now hurry up girls…"


By nine that evening Chandler had made a decision. Emma woke up when he shook her awake and she grunted, annoyed that she had gotten woken from her sleep. She opened her eyes reluctantly and squinted at the light coming in from the hall.
"Come on Ems, wake up" Chandler said.
"What's going on?" Emma whined. "Is Santa here already?"
Chandler didn't answer, he lifted her up to sitting position and started dressing her. Bridget was slowly getting dressed sitting on a chest with toys in the corner of the room. Once Emma was dressed Chandler lifted her up from the bed and put her down on the floor, while he hastily made her bed.
"Dad, what's going on?" Emma asked groggily.
"Come on now, go put your jacket on" he urged them both.
He followed them into the hallway and put his jacket and shoes back on. He had already been out a couple of times to the car with the presents, so his outdoor clothes were thrown over a chair. Once he was done with his clothes he helped Emma and Bridget with theirs, since they were too tired to do much on their own. Then he ushered them out the door and locked it.
"Dad what are we doing?" Emma asked again.
"We're going somewhere" Chandler said, stating the obvious as he walked to the car with them in his heels. "If Mommy can't come to Christmas, then Christmas is going to have to come to Mommy. Come on, get in the car, you can sleep at the hospital."
"We're going there?" Bridget asked.
"You bet we are" Chandler said and started the car.


Monica looked up when the silence was broken by the door opening. Anthony was asleep and she had put Francesca down twenty minutes earlier. She wasn't expecting anyone to come by at these hours, and the sound of the door opening scared her. A doctor or a nurse rarely meant good news at these hours.
A feeling she hadn't felt since Anthony had gotten sick, the feeling that she was flooding with love for Chandler, came back to her when she saw that it was him. He was carrying four bags with presents and he was followed by Bridget and Emma who were carrying a bag together. The two girls looked ready to fall asleep, but Monica felt more awake than she had in a long time. She rose from her chair and walked over to them.
"May I be the first one to wish you a merry Christmas?" Chandler asked.
"Only if you do it with a kiss" Monica said.
Chandler gave her a kiss and put the bags down next to where the girls had put their bag down. Monica gave him a tight hug and then kneeled down to help Bridget get her jacket off. She gave her a tight hug too and a kiss on the forehead.
"Merry Christmas honey" she said with a honest smile on her face for the first time since Anthony had gotten sick.
"Merry Christmas Mom" Bridget replied and yawned big.
Monica gave her another hug and then hugged Emma too, who was out of her outdoor clothes as well. Monica turned to look at Chandler, who had walked over to Anthony and placed a kiss on his forehead. Then he gave the sleeping infant a gentle kiss as well.
"I'm tired" Emma said.
"Come here" Monica said and lifted her up. "We have an extra bed that Daddy and I sleep on when we get tired" she said. "You and Bridget can share it."
"Where will you and Daddy sleep?"
"Don't worry about us, we'll be fine" Monica said.
She put her down in the bed and tucked her in. She lifted Bridget up and put her down next to her sister and tucked her in too. The two girls yawned at the same time and then closed their eyes. Chandler came over and kissed them goodnight, then he kissed Monica again.
"I can't believe you're here!" she whispered. "And with the presents and all!"
"We've been teaching them that Christmas is about being with family… They didn't think it would be Christmas without you guys, and I fully agree with them. Worst case scenario, this is Anthony's last Christmas. I had to be here. And in any scenario at all this is Francesca's first, I can't miss that either."
"I can't believe it was just a year ago we were barely speaking" Monica said. "We were poor… I remember the dinner we had just the five of us… You said something about how it's better to have porridge together than filet mignon alone. You kinda' had a point."
"I was quoting a movie slogan…" Chandler said and kissed her again.
"Just think about how much has happened in only 365 days" Monica said. "Francesca's birth… Anthony's disease… Getting more money, moving…"
"Who knows what next year will have in stall" Chandler said.
"Yeah…" Monica agreed.
"You know, when I looked at Francesca, I just got to thinking… She was conceived a year ago tomorrow. She hasn't existed at all for a year even…"
"She and Anthony are kind of special that way" Monica said. "We both know exactly what date they got conceived…"
"True, but I don't like it really… Not when I think about what the reason for that was."
"What scares me is the thought of if we hadn't slept together that Christmas Day or that July 4th… Then they wouldn't be alive."
"Useless thoughts" Chandler said. "Now let's get the presents and the stockings from the bags and show the kids that Santa comes to the hospitals too."


Monica gave Anthony one last kiss on the cheek before she left his bedroom. She felt both relieved and happy. Finally it was over. Finally he was okay again. The infection that had made him so sick had taken ages to blow over, but now he was finally at home again. For the first time this year she would get to go to bed with Chandler, and with all of her children safe in their bedrooms. They still kept Francesca in their bedroom, but she usually slept like a log between nine p.m. and six a.m. Then she spent larger parts of the day being awake.
"You coming?" she heard Chandler's voice from the bottom of the stairs.
"On my way" she said with a big smile, and walked down to him. "He's home" she said triumphantly.
"Didn't I tell you?" Chandler said, just as happy as she was. He gave her a kiss on the lips and then grinned again. "Each and every one of our cubs are home safe. And you know what I want to do?"
"I have no idea whatsoever" Monica said with a grin.
"I haven't had two minutes alone with you in God knows how long" Chandler said. "We have some serious catching up to do on the lovemaking front."
"With Francesca in the room?"
"Honey she will sleep through it."
"Not like you scream" Monica said with a grin.
"You should hear you."
He backed towards the kitchen with her, and kissed her neck.
"Mmm…" Monica moaned. "Maybe it's time we move her to the nursery."


Monica was getting a headache. The smell inside the church was the reason, she decided. She loved churches, but she couldn't help connecting them with death. Most people she knew that were dead, had all been inside churches the last time she'd seen them, lying in their caskets. And the very fact that all churches had crucifixes everywhere made her think of it, the church's symbol was a man being executed.
"You okay?" she heard a low whisper from Bridget.
"I'm fine" she whispered back, not sounding too convincing. But it was a stupid question anyway. Everyone knew she wasn't okay.
She had tried very hard at first to listen to everything that was said, but by now she had almost lost concentration completely. Not just because of her age, but because all the priest had been doing was reciting parts of the Bible that seemed meaningless to her. She had stopped believing years ago, on the day she had watched a child of hers being lowered into the ground in a coffin the second time. She had never been able to let go of the feeling of guilt after that, she had never gotten past the feeling that she should be there with them to protect and care for them. But she didn't worry about that now. Chandler had said on his deathbed that be would look after them for her. And she knew he meant it.
She was having a hard time adjusting to the new life she would be living. For the first time since she had started dating him she was just thinking for one again. She had been thinking for two in every matter ever since they had gotten together but now he wasn't there for her to think for anymore. And it was a hard adjustment. She was so used to always thinking about how something would affect Chandler that it was like an instinct for her now. She had gotten so used to the life of twosome that she didn't know if she could ever get back to living just for herself again. She would probably be dead before she adjusted.
She casually started twirling her wedding ring. She always did that when she had something important on her mind. Chandler had pointed out once and said he loved it. Mainly because it was such a small thing that only a husband would notice it. And he loved the things that were exclusive between a married couple. Often Monica had also taken it off and read the engraved line on it's inside. They had both had the rings engraved with a line they had each thought of themselves. Monica had thought the line she'd had engraved in his ring had been sweet when she had thought of it, but soon she had just felt it was a bit embarrassing. She loved Chandler's phrase to her though, and she had known it by heart during her entire marriage. Which was fortunate now, since she couldn't see well enough to read the small letters. There were some things even modern medicine couldn't fix. It felt good to know that she would never have to wonder what the line on the ring said, she knew it almost as well as she knew her own name. There wasn't really anything special about it, it wasn't a magnificent and romantic line, but it was from him and that was enough.
She started concentrating at the service again when Emma got up from her seat and walked up to the small podium where Chandler lay. There weren't a lot of people who had been asked to say something about Chandler at the service, mostly because almost all of the people who had known him as anything else than a parent of a friend or a parent-in-law were dead. Monica hadn't been asked, but she didn't feel bitter about it anymore. She had already said all she wanted to say to him, and the rest of the people could either realize that or think that she was just some old lady who didn't care too much anymore. She didn't care which alternative people chose to think. But all of the children had been asked to say something, and Emma had asked to go first, since she had been closest to her Father. Monica knew Joey had suggested that in that case she should go last, but she had insisted on getting to speak first.
Monica listened to the first part of Emma's monologue, but it seemed to take Emma a few minutes to figure out exactly what she wanted to say, even though she had written a speech already. Emma seemed to make her way through the card she had brought up with her to read from quite quickly, Monica almost got the feeling she wasn't reading all of it, just some selected parts. She was talking about what her Father had meant to her during her childhood and once she was grown up as well. She seemed to be summing it up mostly, but there was one incident that she took her time telling. Monica knew the incident far too well, and felt herself drift back in memories once again, this time of what had led up to what Emma was talking about, and what had happened after that.


For the first time in years Monica didn't know what to say to Rachel. It was late February, just a week after Anthony had gotten home. It was supposed to be Rachel's wedding day, but things hadn't end up the way they'd planned. For one thing Boris had wanted them to get married on Rachel's birthday in the end of June, but for reasons Monica didn't know, they had decided to move it up to late February. Both Monica and Chandler had taken that as a sign that Boris and Rachel were eager to finally settle down and get married, since they would both be over forty this year. So now neither of them could understand why Boris hadn't shown up at the wedding until an hour after the ceremony was supposed to start, and that he'd only come to tell Rachel he couldn't go through with it.
"How can this be happening, it's so unfair!" Rachel sobbed in Monica's arms.
"I'm gonna kick that guy's ass!" Joey angrily said, pacing back and forth in Chandler and Monica's living room.
The entire gang was there, minus spouses, and it was the first time they had spontaneously gotten together in two years. Chandler and Monica had taken Rachel home with them once it was clear that the wedding was off, and Phoebe and Ross had stayed to take care of everything that needed taking care of at the reception. Joey had gone home, but shown up at Chandler and Monica's after an hour. Monica had gotten Rachel out of her wedding dress and into a pair of jeans and a bright pink sweater, hoping the bright color would at least not bring her down as much as a dark color would.
"I have rarely been this shocked…" Ross said, leaning against the wall.
"What's going on?" Emma asked, in Phoebe's arms.
"Hey, your Mother tells me you love to watch the Disney Channel, why don't you go downstairs and see if there's anything good on?" Phoebe suggested and let her down.
Emma gave her a strange look and then obediently walked down the stairs. Phoebe sat down in one of the two armchairs.
"I know I shouldn't be one to complain perhaps," Rachel sobbed, "I did the same thing to Barry, but this is different!"
"I know it is sweetie…" Monica said, stroking her head like she did with the children when they were crying.
"I mean, I didn't love Barry enough! He didn't love me enough! We were both aware deep down that it wasn't right. But with Boris, it was different! I love him! I thought he loved me! I really thought he loved me!"
"Rachel, of course this is different…" Chandler said, holding Francesca. "You and Barry, that was a whole other situation."
"Do you think Barry felt this way when I left him?"
"Okay, Barry was a snob!" Phoebe said. "He was mostly concerned of what people would think. You didn't even say 'what am I supposed to tell everyone?' when Boris called it off today."
"Yeah, and besides," Chandler said, "Barry had an affair with Mindy! He even went to your honeymoon with her! No way could he have been this upset."
"You think that comment helps?" Ross asked.
"Listen Rachel…" Monica said. "No matter how bad things look right now, it's better to not get married at all than to get married when one person doesn't know if marriage is truly what he wants. Better find out now than after you're married."
"And look, this doesn't have to mean it's over between you two now" Chandler filled in. "Maybe he's not ready for marriage? I don't even understand why you moved the date up, maybe he felt stressed about it. This doesn't have to mean you can't be together."
"Chandler I'm almost forty, I want a marriage now!" Rachel angrily said.
"You know, you don't have to have a marriage" Monica said. "You two can still be together for the rest of your lives without rings on your fingers."
"You wish to go back in time and tell Chandler that on your wedding day?" Rachel angrily asked.
"No" Monica admitted. "But I'm just saying that maybe he's not…"
"Not likely to take a wife" Joey finished her sentence.
"There are just some people who can't commit like that" Monica said, knowing it sounded lame.
"How come you managed to make one of those people commit when I can't?" Rachel asked.
"He might be scared you're only doing this to be married before you turn forty and he turns forty-five" Ross suggested. "Maybe he's not sure that that's the best reason to get married. Give him some time…"
"It's out of my hands" Rachel said, trying to dry her tears. "He told me it was completely over."
"Give him the chance to regret it" Phoebe suggested. "Give him the chance to realize it's stupid to let you go."
"Yeah… And until then, if you don't want to go back to your house you can stay here with Chandler and me" Monica said.
"Sure" Chandler agreed. "We can move kitten back to our bedroom for a while" he added, looking at Francesca. "Yeah, you can go back to sleeping with your Mommy and Daddy, can't you?" Francesca made a sound that sounded like an agreement and Chandler kissed her on the cheek.
"You sure it's okay?" Rachel asked. "This place is crowded enough without me…"
"Oh come on, I took you in once, I can do it again" Monica said.
"Thanks… I'll only stay a week or so though, I want to find my own place as soon as I can. I don't want to mooch…"
"Rachel, you know you're welcome to stay for as long as you need to" Chandler said. "We wouldn't consider it mooching."
"Thanks you guys" Rachel said. "But I think I'll feel a lot better once I get a place of my own, and get the chance to start over. Or at least to think this whole situation through."
"Stay for as long as you'd like" Monica said.


Chandler looked up when he heard the front door open. He was in the middle of doing the dishes while Monica was reading by the kitchen table. He couldn't figure out who had entered, the children were in their rooms and him and Monica were together in the kitchen. Then Rachel entered the kitchen and he figured it out. She had moved out a week earlier, it was the second week of March by now, and her relationship with Boris was over for good now. It had turned out he had been seeing someone else on the side, and even though Rachel had been furious it seemed as if she had decided that it was better this way in the end.
"Hey you two" Rachel said.
"Hi" Monica said, slightly confused. "Wow, I haven't seen you looking this happy since…" She trailed off, unsure of she could continue. The look on Rachel's face seemed to say it was okay though. "Well, your wedding day."
"Yeah I know… It hurts, it hurts like hell… But at the same time it's a relief. That we didn't get married I mean. I would have been more hurt in the long run finding out about his other woman after we were married."
"I have to admit I'm surprised you got over it so fast" Chandler said.
"Don't misunderstand me here, I'm not over him… Or the situation… Not really. But I've chosen not to dwell on it."
"Good for you" Monica said.
"So what brings you by?" Chandler asked.
"Actually… I kinda' have a favor to ask of you Chandler. Of both of you, actually… But mostly Chandler."
"Well whatever it is, we're there for you" Chandler said with a shrug to the shoulder, and finished drying the last plate.
"That's what I'm hoping…" Rachel said.
"Well then tell us" Monica said, rising from her seat. "Just hold on, I wanna put this book back."
She walked into the dining room, and Chandler and Rachel followed her. Monica frowned slightly when she noticed how nervous Rachel seemed. She wondered what was up. She put the book back in the bookshelf and sat down in a gray armchair that Chandler had gotten from his Father's apartment. She looked at Rachel and then at Chandler. He seemed a bit confused as well.
"What's up?" she asked Rachel.
"Well, I… I'm going to have a baby."
"You're pregnant?" Chandler asked, shocked at hearing it.
"Soon, hopefully…"
"Huh?" Monica said.
"I've decided to have a child."
"We're not really following you here" Monica said.
"I want to have a baby" Rachel said. "And I want to have one before it's too late. I mean, even as it is I'm going to be old for having my first child, but that just makes me more sure that I want one now. Before it's too late."
"But Rachel…" Monica said, slowly rising. "You, you just broke up with someone. You just called off a marriage. Are you really sure a new relationship this soon, especially with children involved, is a good idea?"
"I don't want a man" Rachel said.
"Well you're gonna need one" Chandler said.
"Look you guys, I've already tried the dating thing numerous times, the whole relationship gig. And it's gotten me nowhere. Even the marriage thing took me nowhere, and I've done it three times by now. Barry, Ross and Boris. And I can't keep thinking that I'll give it some time, because time is a luxury I'm running out of!"
"So what are you saying here?" Monica asked. "You're going to go to a sperm bank? Have a baby all on your own?"
"I wouldn't be all on my own" Rachel protested. "I have you guys, I have Ross, Joey, Phoebe… Plus my family! Sure, I would be a single mother, but these days it's almost more uncommon to not be one!"
"So you and a frozen sperm pop are gonna have a baby?" Chandler asked, crossing his arms.
"Well I guess… But I don't like the idea of a sperm bank."
"To be honest I don't like this idea at all" Monica said. "But if this is what you want to do, then this is what you want to do… As long as you know what you're doing…"
"How are you going to have a baby if you don't go to a sperm bank?" Chandler asked. "You can't just have unprotected sex at random."
"Chandler did you really think I was gonna do that?" Rachel asked.
"No, but I didn't think you'd ever decide to have a baby without having a man" Chandler said. "I thought that would be more something that Monica would do."
"Did you ever notice how comfortable the couches upstairs are?" Monica said warningly to him.
"Look you guys, I realize I'm not choosing the ideal way" Rachel said. "But I don't want to keep searching for something like what you have. Before I can find that I'll be too old to have children. This might be my only shot, you guys!"
"Isn't there some sort of medication these days that puts off menopause for a few years?" Monica asked.
"Monica, I don't want to become a mother at 50 anyway" Rachel said. "I don't want to be sixty before my kid is a teenager."
"How are you even going to get pregnant if you don't turn to a clinic?" Chandler asked. "It seems to me like your best alternative would be going to one. If you absolutely have to do this."
"I don't want to go to a sperm bank, I don't want to have a baby with someone I don't know. I don't want to have to tell my son or daughter that I've never even met his or her Father!"
"So then what are you planning on doing, I don't follow" Monica said.
"That's where I need your help" Rachel said.
"Our help?" Chandler said. "You mean you want us to help you find some eligible guy that you can date for a while and then have father your child?"
"No, not exactly."
"Well good" Monica said. "Because I don't think you'd get anyone to agree on that, to father your child after just a couple of dates."
"And I believe we know you better than to think you'd tell him you were on the pill and then actually you're not, and all of a sudden you're pregnant" Chandler added.
"Good that you don't think that, because I would never do that" Rachel said.
"Okay so… What do you need our help with?" Monica asked.
"I… I want…" Rachel took a deep breath. "Okay, I know this might sound weird, but I would want for you Chandler to give me the sperm."
"The what?" Chandler asked in shock.
"Look I know it sounds crazy and I know it's a lot to ask" Rachel said in a pleading tone. "But you have no idea what this means to me!"
"Rachel…" Chandler said. "Giving you my sperm would mean that I would be your baby's Father."
"I know, I'm aware of that. But that's what I want."
"I don't really like you that way" Chandler said, sounding shocked.
"No I don't mean we should have sex, God no! I just need you to donate the sperm."
"I… I… I can't figure out what to say!" Chandler said.
"Monica, what do you think of this?" Rachel asked.
Monica, who had sunken back down in the armchair, looked up at her with a shocked expression on her face.
"Why him?" she asked.
"Because he's someone I know, he's someone I love, even if it's just as a friend!"
"But he is not the only one you're friends with!"
"He's the best Father I know of!" Rachel said.
"Listen Rach…" Chandler said, still in shock. "Although it's flattering… in a very weird way… I don't think you understand what you're asking of me here. I would be the baby's Father. Father Rachel!"
"You don't have to pay anything, you don't have to do anything except for giving me the sperm, you don't have to take any part in the child's life whatsoever unless you want to!" Rachel said.
"Well I would want to" Chandler said. "We are talking about a child here Rachel, a child that would be as much mine as Bridget, Emma, Francesca and Anthony!"
"Well if you want to you can be as much part of the baby's life as possible, I wouldn't mind at all!" Rachel said.
"No I can't" Chandler protested. "It wouldn't work like that. Look I'm sorry, but--"
Chandler got interrupted by Francesca starting to cry in the nursery. Monica darted up from her chair, happy to get an excuse to leave, and hurried to go check on the baby. She didn't say anything and she tried her best not to think about anything. She couldn't help but feeling desperately that Chandler should tell Rachel 'no'. But she didn't want to think about it because it would only make her feel selfish. She didn't realize that in this situation it wouldn't be.
"--look just please don't say no right away!" she heard Rachel plead when she returned to the dining room, this time carrying Francesca who was clingy. Monica was just as clingy herself at the moment.
"I think telling you straight off that I can't do this is a lot better than saying I'll think about it" Chandler protested to Rachel.
"Just promise me to think about it!" Rachel said. "You don't know what this means to me! I know it's not easy for you, but please think it over!"
"No Rachel!" Chandler said, and looked at Monica with the baby. "The only woman who I want carrying my children and giving birth to them is Monica."
"Please don't blow me off with a reason like that" Rachel said. "Just think about this, this means everything to me!"
"Fine" Chandler sighed, just to get an end to the discussion. "Fine, I'll think about it."
"Oh thank you!" Rachel said and hugged him. "Thank you so much!"
Chandler tried to catch Monica's look but she looked the other way. He broke free from the hug and walked Rachel out. Monica sat down in the armchair and hugged Francesca tight, and for the first time in years felt glad Rachel had left. She obviously wasn't thinking straight, and there was no way Monica would approve of Chandler donating sperm to her. But she knew it was his decision in the end.


Monica got home from NYU earlier than usual the following Tuesday. She did most of her studying over the Web, since she felt Francesca was too little to be left at daycare and she didn't feel comfortable leaving Anthony there either. She knew it was foolish, but she couldn't help feeling like he might get sick again as soon as she let her guard down. Without realizing it she was treating him like a piece of porcelain that might break. She kept dressing him up really warm whenever he went outside, even if there was no need for it, and she kept warning him of this and that and telling him what not to do and what to do.
"Hey there Melissa" she said to the baby-sitter who came by for a couple of hours whenever Monica had to be at the school.
"Hi Mrs. Bing."
"How have they behaved?" Monica asked.
"Splendid, as usual" Melissa said. "Anthony just watched 'The Black Cauldron' over and over."
"And Francesca, did she wake up?"
"No, she slept like a log."
"Fantastic. Thanks Melissa."
She gave her the money for baby-sitting and said goodbye to her as she left. Then she walked up to the living room and said hi to Anthony.
"Don't sit so close to the TV, dear" she said, even though he was sitting further away than Bridget usually did.
"Okay Mom" Anthony said and backed.
Monica smiled and sat down next to him, hugging him. He squirmed, wanting to get loose so he could continue watching the movie.
"Is Taran winning this time?" she asked with a smile.
"Mom, you're in the way!" Anthony complained.
"Sorry" Monica said, still smiling, and got to her feet. "I'm gonna go check on your sister. Are you sure you're not hungry? Or thirsty?"
"Can I have a lollipop?"
"No sweets on Sunday through Thursday."
"Dad ate candy yesterday."
"Yes, but Dad's beyond hope" Monica said. "I'll check up on you later sweetie."
"Uh-hu" Anthony said, turning his attention back to the movie.
Monica walked downstairs and found Francesca awake in her crib.
"And not a sound did you make to tell me you'd woken up…" Monica said and lifted her up. "What about you, are you hungry?"
She sat down in the rocking chair, the same old one that they'd had ever since Bridget was little. She started nursing Francesca, while rocking back and forth and humming an old U2 song to herself. Her first three children had all been weaned after around three months, but with Francesca Monica had for some reason continued nursing her sometimes even though she mostly got formula instead. It was comforting for both her and the baby, and right now she really felt like she needed comfort. She was still feeling uncomfortable about Rachel's request, but when she nursed she could at least feel the comfort of knowing that at least this far she was the only Mother to any child of Chandler's. Rachel had called her a couple of times during the week, mostly to suggest a shopping round or just meeting up for coffee, but Monica had always found a reason to say no. She didn't feel like she could be around Rachel right now, she needed to figure out her own position in this matter.
There was a knock on the door and she got out of the rocking chair, and lifted Francesca up to her shoulder. She quickly fixed her clothing and went to answer the door.
"Rachel!" she said once she'd opened. "What a surprise."
"Why have you been ignoring me?" Rachel asked straightforward.
"I haven't" Monica said.
"We both know you have" Rachel said. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah, sure" Monica said after a second's hesitation. "Just let me put Francesca in the reins…"
Rachel nodded and stepped in. She took her jacket and shoes off and went into the kitchen to wait for Monica there. Monica came back after a couple of minutes, with Francesca in the reins and a bottle of formula that she quickly heated in a hot water bath.
"I think I know what this is all about" Rachel said. "It's about me asking Chandler to father my child."
"Why him Rach?" Monica said, not bothering to play any games and pretend she wasn't upset about it. "Ross is a good father, why not him?"
"With our history? It would never work."
"Well then what about Joey?"
"Joey has Clara and the baby…" Rachel said, referring to the son Joey's wife had given birth to in December.
"And Chandler doesn't have a wife and an infant?" Monica angrily asked, turning around to face Rachel so fast that Francesca made a complaining noise. She mumbled a 'sorry' to the baby.
"That's not what I meant…"
"Rachel do you even understand what it is you're asking of us? Of me? Sure, call me selfish, but this is my husband you want to use to produce your baby, your child would be half-siblings with mine!"
"I know!" Rachel said, sounding excited.
"I don't want that."
"Come on, seriously" Rachel said. "It would be so amazing if your children and mine could be siblings!"
"No it wouldn't" Monica protested. "As I said, call me selfish, but I don't want my children and yours to be siblings! I don't want my husband to have babies with another woman."
"Even if it's your best friend?"
"What the hell does that change?" Monica asked. "They wouldn't be anymore mine just because you're their Mother! Don't you understand how that would feel?"
"You're right, you are being selfish" Rachel said. "This is something that really matters to me Monica. You have four children with him, is it really so bad if I had one with him too? It would only be the sperm Monica, I wouldn't sleep with him! It wouldn't be a, a product of his and mine love, you wouldn't have to worry about that. It would be a baby that I would love with all my heart, and that I would know was a part of someone I love. Would that be so very bad?"
"It would be so bad if my husband had more children than I do!" Monica said. "I can't possibly imagine carrying some other man's child, and I can't imagine some other woman carrying Chandler's! Don't you get it Rachel? Chandler would have a child, one that I'm not the mother of, one that would take up his time, concern and love and I wouldn't be a part of it, it would just be awkward if I tried to take part. Some other woman's son or daughter would call him Dad and be just as much a part of him as the one I'm carrying in reins as we speak! I'm not a big enough person to not get insanely jealous in a situation like that. Just seeing you pregnant with his child would probably kill me, not to mention the two of you leaving for the hospital for your birth! I wouldn't be able to come, I would just make it all awkward. It would really put a heavy load on our marriage, and I would feel awful about it since the poor child would be innocent!"
"I didn't just pick Chandler out because I figured he might agree to this" Rachel said. "I thought long and hard before I decided to ask you, and it took a lot of courage to do so! Don't push me away now, don't deny me this!"
"First of all it's not up to me, it's up to him. Second of all, did you ever include my feelings when you thought about this? Believe it or not, but Chandler and I are too close for something to be able to happen to one of us without the other one getting affected. Whatever happens to him happens to me."
"So what you're saying is you won't give this your blessing?"
"Think about what you're asking me to accept. It's not just sperm you're asking for, it's parenthood."


Chandler grunted and glanced at the time. Monica pulled a pillow over her head and moaned.
"Who in heaven's name knocks on a door at these hours?" Chandler complained.
He got out of bed and grabbed his robe and his glasses, then stumbled out to the front door while pulling the robe around him. He opened the door and sighed.
"Rach…"
"Hi, I know it's after hours, but can I come in?"
"After hours? Does a whole line of Zs tell you anything?"
"Chandler come on, it's eleven p.m., you can't possibly tell me you guys were sleeping."
"Welcome to the life of the parents of small children" Chandler said and led her to the dining room. "What do you want?"
"Actually, on the subject of parents of small children…"
"Rachel…"
"Chandler I just wanted to hear if you've come around yet."
"No and I don't think I ever will."
"Has Monica said anything to you?"
"Just that I should remember that everything I do, I do for two."
"Cute" Rachel said sarcastically. "Chandler you know how serious I am about this. You know how much it means to me. You know I wouldn't be asking this of you if I wasn't serious."
"No I know…" Chandler said. "But Rachel, you are asking an awful lot of me here. I can't just… donate sperm to you and then that's it. It would be my child."
"I know."
"Think about Monica. You know, part of what we have is that we play a part in the other's life that on one else will. And that includes her giving birth to my children. I can't take that away from her."
"Chandler you have valid reasons to say no to me, but I don't think that's one of them" Rachel said.
"I love Monica. And I can't hurt her like that. I don't want someone else than her to be the Mother of a child of mine. I don't want anyone else to be pregnant by me. Look, you and I go back a long way, we're close friends, but friends don't have children together. Couples do."
"I'm desperate Chandler!"
"Why me Rachel?" Chandler asked. "I don't get it, why me? Why your best friend's husband?"
"Maybe because I thought you guys would understand. And because I would honestly be proud to be able to tell my child that you're his or her Father. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in love with you. But you're a good person and a great Father."
"I don't want more children" Chandler said. "Four is a nice even number."
"What's going on?" Monica asked sleepily, walking in while pulling her robe tighter.
"Hey honey" Chandler said, slightly nervous for some reason.
"So did you convince him yet?" Monica asked Rachel. "I take it that's why you're here… To convince my husband to let you have his baby…"
"Guys please!" Rachel said. "I mean God, would I be bringing this up over and over if it didn't truly mean a lot to me?"
"Well what do you want me to do Rach, just go to the bathroom with a cup and then give it to you, and then be there nine months later to hold your hand?" Chandler said. "It doesn't work that way. I don't want to become a father by masturbating with a cup! I want to become one by sleeping with my wife. And don't suggest we do that with the cup in reach, because that would just be--"
"Of course I wouldn't suggest that!" Rachel angrily said.
"Rachel I think it's time you took no for an answer" Monica said with a yawn. "This is too inappropriate."
"Well I can't take no for an answer!" Rachel protested. "Not yet! I don't know how many times I've told you how desperate I am, I just can't give up on this without you thinking it through more!"
"Rachel this isn't like surrogating" Monica pointed out. "It's parenting."
"You are my best friends in the entire world…" Rachel said. "I came to you because I thought you would at least give it some thought! Listen, there's a pretty big house in LA that Boris gave me as an engagement gift."
"Wow, I just got Monica the ring…" Chandler said.
"Where does a house fit in all of a sudden?" Monica asked.
"There's a clinic in LA that specializes in this kind of thing" Rachel said.
"There have them here too, they call them hospitals" Chandler dryly said.
"No, they specialize in artificial insemination" Rachel said. "And they're very good. 100% chance of success and no multiple births unless you want one. So you wouldn't have to worry that all of a sudden I'm expecting triplets, like Phoebe did! I've gotten an appointment in April, and I would really love it if you guys could at least come with me over there. And see if you change your minds, which I think you might if you gave it some thought."
"No Rachel, we stand firm at our decision" Chandler said.
"Please you guys! Come on, you can bring the children, it will be fun!"
"What about my education?" Monica asked. "What about Chandler's job? And how would it be fun to fly with an infant?"
"Francesca's not that small" Rachel said. "Look, please just come with me okay!"
Chandler and Monica looked at each other and then reluctantly agreed.


"Ah, I love California!" Rachel said cheerfully, looking around in the big sunny house. "Don't you just love California Monica?"
"Sure" Monica said. She was less than cheerful. She hated being there, she couldn't forget the reason why.
"Mommy, Mommy, come see!" Anthony cried, running down the stairs. "The rooms are huge, and there's carpet everywhere!"
"Anthony don't run in the stairs!" Monica said in a near panic tone. "Don't ever do that, you can fall and hurt yourself!"
"Come see!" Anthony repeated.
Monica lifted up two of the bags and followed him up the stairs. Rachel had told her that her own bedroom was downstairs, so she, Chandler and the kids could choose whichever rooms they wanted. Monica quickly decided on the biggest one, which was closest to the stairs.
"I could so get used to this!" Bridget said, entering and throwing herself on the bed. "Mommy, do we have to go back to New York?"
"You only got a month off from school, and that's quite a lot considering you don't want to miss too much" Monica said. "We're not staying a minute longer than we have to."
"Aww, Mom!" Bridget complained. "Could this place be any better? No school, lots of sunshine, beach right outside. Not to mention Disneyland."
"Did I hear Disneyland?" Chandler asked, entering with the last bags.
"Daddy can we go?" Anthony asked.
"We'll have to see" Chandler said and lifted him up. "Since I know how much you hate Disneyland we might just leave you here with Rachel and the rest of us will go."
"No, no, I don't hate Disneyland!" Anthony cried.
Chandler grinned and put him back down. "Where's Ems and Francesca?"
"Emma's checking her new room out" Monica said. "And Francesca was still asleep so I left her downstairs in the lift."
"Daddy can we move here?" Bridget asked.
"Well you can live here if you want to, I intend on living in Cinderella's castle" Chandler joked.
"Yay!" Bridget cheered.
"Chandler don't get sidetracked here, remember why we're in Los Angeles in the first place" Monica said. "I can't get it out of my head for a second."
"Well you just wait until I have you to myself tonight" Chandler said, lingering his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her neck.
"Ew, Dad!" Bridget complained.
"I don't think I'll be much fun tonight" Monica said. "I can't get this thing out of my head, I'll probably think about it while we're together."
"Hey, just do what I do, choose to ignore it" Chandler said. "Listen honey, I told her no and I meant it."
"Did you?" Monica asked. "Did you really? Because if you did, what on earth are we doing here?"
"Vacation" Chandler said. "You know, I used to love to travel when I was a kid. And just one look at the kids tells me they do too."
"They're much like their Father…" Monica said, trailing off.
"Yes, and don't worry, no half siblings" Chandler mumbled in her hair.
"Mom can we go swimming?" Emma asked, walking in. "It's so warm!"
"Absolutely not!" Monica said. "We don't know how cold the water is!"
"Yes, and there might be sharks" Chandler said while rolling his eyes. "Lighten up Mon, if the water is too cold they'll come up."
"Oh no they won't, they're children" Monica said. "Anybody under the age of ten doesn't care if the water is warm enough. Poor Anthony could get a pneumonia."
"And only Anthony?" Chandler asked. "Monica quit treating him like he's sick."
"They can play on the beach, but no going in the water" Monica said firmly, and angrily broke free from him.
The phone rang and Chandler and Monica shared a confused look. They didn't know anyone had the phone number. Then Rachel called from downstairs that it was for Monica, making them more confused. Monica picked up the phone.
"Yes, this is Monica Bing" she said.
"Hey sis, it's Ross" Ross said.
"Ross! How did you get our number?"
"Who do you think, Rachel gave it to me."
"Well you shouldn't call, long distance costs!"
"Not anymore. Haven't you made any long distance calls the past three years? It's no more expensive than local calls."
"Called to tell me that?" Monica said and rolled her eyes.
"Actually I called to tell you something about Mom and Dad."
"Why, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong" Ross said. "It's just that Dad's finally retired, and he's celebrating it with a bang."
"Uh-oh" Monica said. "What did he do?"
"He bought a Corvette - over the Internet."
"Big deal, Chandler and I bought most of our furniture from www.ikea.com…"
"Well the car is in San Diego" Ross told her. "So he and Mom are flying over to pick it up, then they're going on a road trip home."
"Oh Christ, Dad is way too old for stuff like that…" Monica said, not wanting to picture her Dad out cross-country driving.
"I know… But actually I called to warn you."
"Let me guess…" Monica said. "He wants us to see this car, so he's coming by to show it to us."
"Exactly. And Mom wants to come by to make sure you have enough food in your fridge and that you're using sun block."
"Parents…" Monica sighed. "I'm like never gonna be one…"
"I've gotta go, it's getting late over here" Ross said, smiling at her comment. "Later sis."
"Bye Ross.. Say hi to Erica from us… And Ben."
"Bye."
"What's going on?" Chandler asked. "Let me guess. Your parents are coming by, Jack bought something over the Web that he had to pick up in California, and he wants us to take a look at it."
"You're such an eavesdropper" Monica said.


Rachel looked up and covered her mouth with her hand as she yawned. She was really bored. She had loved tanning in her younger years, but now she just felt silly. Emma was building sand castles a few feet away and Rachel assumed people thought it was her daughter. And she didn't mind people thinking that. It was better that they thought she was a Mother just sunning to be able to keep an eye on her playing child than that they thought she was an overgrown nanny.
She looked at Emma and smiled slightly. Emma looked so much like her Father that she was almost like a female version of him. It was just the hair that seemed to be Monica's, the rest looked so much like Chandler. Rachel could almost pretend Emma actually was her child. She started to think about how her own baby would look if Chandler agreed to donate the sperm. She wouldn't mind having a little girl who looked like Emma, and Anthony was one of the cutest little boys she had ever seen. She had a strong feeling that it was Monica that was keeping Chandler from agreeing, consciously or not. Rachel knew it was hard for her friend, she didn't hold anything against her, but at the same time she tried to think of what she could say or do to change Monica's mind. She would love to have a child that was siblings with Monica's children, she was sure it would bring them closer.
Monica took her eyes off Emma for a second and turned back to her Mother. Rachel and Emma were about two hundred meters away from the house, on the beach but not too close to the water. Monica trusted Rachel as a baby-sitter but it was such a strong instinct for her to always keep tabs on where her children were. Francesca was asleep up in the bedroom and Bridget and Anthony had gone for a test ride in their Grandfather's new car, along with Chandler. Monica was alone with her Mother in the house.
"How it can be so thrilling to drive a new car is completely beyond me" Judy Geller said and sat down on the comfortable couch in the big living room.
"Chandler and I have to buy a new car…" Monica said. "We always have to take two cars since we can't fit all the children into one. We should get ourselves a minivan or something, but those things cost money."
"Sell the Audi" Judy suggested. "You know, you and Chandler should really consider living like this…"
"Something wrong with the house we live in Mother?" Monica asked, trying to hide her irritation.
"No" Judy said, not sounding too convincing.
"Because you know Mom, we could move in here, but then you wouldn't get to see your grandchildren very often…"
Francesca woke up upstairs and started crying. Monica hurried upstairs to tend to her, and Judy walked out on the balcony that led down to the beach. She realized that nobody had explained why Monica and Chandler had taken the kids and gone on a sudden vacation across the country together with Rachel. She walked down on the beach, trying not to get annoyed that she got sand inside her sandals, and walked closer to Rachel. Rachel saw her coming and got up from her chair. She took a few steps until she reached Judy.
"Hi Mrs. Geller" she said.
"After all this time I think you can call me Judy…" Judy said.
"Okay" Rachel said with a smile.
"So nobody has told me what it is you're all doing out here…"
"Oh, Emma's just playing in the sand and--"
"Out here in California."
Rachel hesitated for a moment. She wasn't sure she should be talking about this with Monica's Mother. She stuttered for a second before she started making up a story about how she needed a medical exam by a specialist, and Monica and Chandler had been kind enough to come with her. It was partly true, anyway. She didn't want Judy to ask what the exam was for, so she made sure to sound really emotional and private about it.
They both turned when they heard a yell from the house. They saw Bridget wave at them and waved back.
"Looks like they're back" Judy said.
"Yeah, looks that way" Rachel agreed. "Did you hear that Emma?" she said and turned to look at the child. "Emma?" Emma wasn't there. "Emma! Oh God, Emma? Emma where are you?"
"Wait a minute, Emma's not here?" Judy asked worriedly.
"Well she's got to be around here somewhere… I only turned my back at her for a minute, she can't have gone anywhere! Emma?"
Back at the house Monica walked out on the balcony with Francesca and frowned when she saw her Mother and Rachel out on the beach. They seemed to be looking for something. They both looked really nervous.
"I wonder what's with all the commotion down at the beach" she said to Bridget. "Stay here sweetie, I'm gonna go find out."
She walked down on the beach and towards Judy and Rachel. She was still holding Francesca and when she thought about that she realized that she couldn't see Emma anywhere.
"Damn it, did Rachel let her go in the water?" she muttered. "What's going on?" she asked when she reached the two women.
"Okay, Monica please don't hate me!" Rachel began.
"What's this about?" Monica asked, getting scared. "And where's Emma? Where is she Rachel?"
"She is just nearby!" Rachel said.
"Well where?" Monica asked. "I can't see her anywhere!" She called out Emma's name once and then waited a few seconds before she called out again. "Emma! Come here, come to Mommy!" She turned to Rachel, starting to feel panic coming creeping. "She's not coming!"
"Monica she's got to be here, she's got to!" Rachel said.
"You mean you don't know?"
"I just… turned away for a second and then she was gone!"
"Oh my God!" Monica cried.
"Dad, something's going on down at the beach" Bridget said inside the house to Chandler, who just entered with Jack and Anthony.
"Oh yeah?" Chandler said. "Are the lifeguards running?"
"No, Mommy is looking angry or something, and I can see Grandma' and Rachel but not Emma."
Chandler figured Rachel had probably let Emma go in the water, and Monica was furious about it. He hurried down on the beach, followed by his father-in-law, to get Emma out of the water and get Monica to calm down. But when he got closer he realized that no one was keeping a lookout for any child in the water, and he couldn't see anyone looking like his daughter anywhere in the water.
"What's going on?" he asked, reaching Monica who was starting to panic.
"Emma's gone!" she cried.
"What?"
"She's gone, she's gone, she doesn't come when I call out for her, she's gone!"
"Emma!" Chandler yelled, hoping Emma would hear him and come running.
Francesca burst out crying, scared by her Mother's fear, and that made Monica start to cry as well. Rachel was looking all around, scared to death that she had just lost her best friend's child.
"She's not here, where is she?" Monica sobbed.
"Shit, this is terrible!" Chandler said, then he noticed Jack. "You came down here too? Then who's at the house with Bridget and Anthony?"
"You left them alone?" Monica yelled.
"Rachel, go up to the house and stay with them" Chandler told Rachel.
"No!" Monica protested. "Not her! Mom, you go."
Rachel stared at Monica as Judy hurried off to the house. She didn't know if Monica had told her not to go just as a reflex or not, but she thought she knew that Monica didn't trust her to baby-sit at the moment.
"Guys, I just turned away for a second!" she said, ready to start crying too.
"Chandler out baby is missing!" Monica cried.
"Calm down, we have to think!" Chandler said.
Monica didn't protest but didn't seem to calm down much either. She hugged Francesca tighter and watched Jack start to call out for Emma and ask people if they had seen if she had walked off and in that case in what direction.
"What if she's been kidnapped?" Monica cried.
"Or even worse…" Chandler said.
"What could possibly be worse than kidnapped?" Monica asked. Then she followed his look and realized that he was thinking she could have walked in the water and drowned. "Oh God!"
"We need to think, and we need to think fast!" Chandler said. "Rachel you hurry to the nearest lifeguard tower and ask for help! Monica, you go inside with Francesca, and stay by the phone in case someone calls."
"Who would call?" Monica angrily asked.
"I'll go get your Dad and we'll take his car and drive along the beach, looking for her" Chandler said, ignoring her question. He was getting very scared.
"But you can't go the same way, what if you go one way and she walked the other?" Monica asked.
"If Rachel had her back turned when Emma walked off it must mean Emma walked that way" Chandler said and pointed. "Otherwise Rachel would have seen her."
"Chandler what if she's walked off the beach and up among the houses?" Monica asked. "If she starts walking around in the town we're never ever going to find her!"
"Don't say that" Chandler said and pulled her as close as he could with the child in the way. "Don't ever say that."
"Chandl--"
"Just go up to the house with Francesca, stay with Bridget, Anthony and your Mom, the lifeguards will probably come talk to you and they will help us out, okay?"
"No, I can't just sit around, I have to help looking!"
"What if she comes back home?" Chandler asked. "One of us should be there, to call the other one. I've got my cell phone, I'll call you if I hear anything and you do the same." He gave her a kiss and placed one on Francesca's head, and then called out to Jack. "Okay, now go back to the house" he said to Monica, and then hurried off with Jack to drive along the beach in search for Emma.


"Where is she, where is she?" Monica asked, trying her very best not to lose control. It had been over an hour and Emma hadn't been found.
"I'm taking Bridget and Anthony upstairs" Judy said and led the children to the stairs. "I think it's better for them."
"No, Mom, stay, I need you down here!"
"Rachel, will you take them up?" Judy asked.
"No!" Monica said. "No, not Rachel."
"Look, I am sorry Monica!" Rachel said, with new tears falling down her cheeks.
"She can't lose them in the house Monica" Judy pointed out.
"I'm just scared, okay?" Monica said. "If anything happens to Emma, if anything happens to the other three--"
"But it won't!" Judy said.
"How do we know?" Monica asked, barely able to see through her tears. "Christ, Emma could already be gone for good, she could be in the hands of some lunatic, she cold even be sold off to someone! By tomorrow she could be in Yemen for crying out loud! Anyone could have taken her anywhere! She could be drowned, road killed, hurt! My baby girl is missing and we may never get to see her again!"
"Monica please, please calm down!" Rachel begged, getting more scared with each minute.
"And why hasn't Chandler called? Why hasn't the phone rang?" Monica went on. "What if Chandler found her but he doesn't want to call me because he found her dead!"
"This is not going to do any good!" Judy said firmly. "Listen honey, I know how scared you are, but you have got to pull yourself together. For all of your children's sake."
"I came so close to losing my little boy this winter, I can't handle losing one of my girls!" Monica said, and sunk down on the couch sobbing.
"Sweetie, Dad and Chandler are out there looking for her, they won't come back until they've found her" Judy said.
"Of course they will!" Monica said. "Sooner or later they'll have to, even if they don't find her. She is so sweet my little girl, and God I have neglected her!"
"Monica you have done no such thing!" Rachel said.
"Yes I have! I have! I've been so focused on Anthony and Francesca that I've completely neglected Bridget and Emma! She's so precious, she is so much like her Father, she has always been such a wonderful daughter…"
Monica hid her face in her hands and cried. She looked up when she felt a small hand on her leg and saw Bridget by her side. Bridget crawled up next to her on the couch and Monica pulled her into her lap, hugging her tight.
"Thank God I have you sweetie…" she mumbled through her tears. "You're my little pillar of strength…"
Bridget let herself be hugged even though her Mother was hugging her a bit too tight. She knew she was helping her Mother out the most by just being quiet and being there for Monica to hold. Monica slowly stopped crying and glanced over at the phone. She wished it would call, that she would at least get to hear Chandler's voice to comfort her. But she knew he probably didn't have the time to stop and make phone calls, and he needed just as much support as she, she was not going to allow him to forget about his own emotions just to be strong for her. He had done that enough times already. She slowly rocked back and forth and kissed Bridget on the top of her head. She noticed that her Mother was sitting in an armchair with Anthony in her arms. Francesca was asleep again, upstairs. Monica lifted Bridget up and rose.
"Come here…" she said. "Let's go upstairs you and I."
"I'm coming with you" Rachel said. "You and I need to talk."
"I don't want to talk right now Rachel."
"No I realize that, but we do need to talk."
"You don't get it!" Monica said, getting upset again. "My baby girl is missing, she's missing and she was your responsibility to look after this afternoon! I don't know if I have the right to blame this all on you, but right now I'll probably end up doing just that if I'm around you much longer, and then I'm gonna be spending ages hating myself for it! So I'm just gonna do us both a favor and go upstairs where you're not."
"Monica I'm so sorry" Rachel said, starting to cry again.
"Sorry changes nothing!"
The phone rang and Monica quickly put Bridget down and grabbed the phone.
"Chandler?" she said when answering.
"Has she come back to the house Mon?" Chandler asked on the other end.
"You haven't found her" Monica said and started to cry again.
"No" Chandler said, taking deep breaths to try and calm down. He hated hearing Monica cry.
"Chandler bring her back!" Monica sobbed.
"Your Dad and I are looking everywhere, but it's a pretty long beach!"
"How far could she have gotten?"
"We don't know, we can't drive very fast, we don't want to miss her" Chandler said. "And now we've run out of road so we have to walk."
"Chandler she has to come home again" Monica sobbed. "There's nothing I wouldn't do! I would gladly let you father enough children to let Rachel have a whole day-care full, if only I get my daughter back…" She knew it was a ridiculous thing to say to him, he had no control of whether or not Emma would come back. But she wanted to say it out loud anyway. "Just as long as Emma comes back…"
"Honey I am going to find her, I won't give up okay?" Chandler said. Monica could hear his voice trembling. "I have to go now."
"Chandler wait, just one more thing!" Monica said. "I just want you to know that… If you don't find her… if you can't find her… I won't hold anything against you. Please don't feel like you have to find her or I'll hate you forever. I know you're doing everything you can."
"Thank you. I love you."
He hung up the phone and followed Jack down on the beach. He called out Emma's name a couple of times but he was starting to feel like it was useless. It had been an hour. She could be anywhere by now. The lifeguards had gone in the opposite direction with photos of Emma but they hadn't found anything either. But it gave him an idea.
"Jack!" he yelled.
Jack turned and walked back to him. Chandler had gotten out his wallet and was searching through it until he found what he was looking for.
"Here" he said, handing Jack a picture. "This is a picture of Emma on her sixth birthday. Show it to people."
Jack nodded and hurried off. Chandler got out a recent photo of her for himself and started asking around for her. But after fifteen minutes he was starting to feel like it was useless. He had no way of knowing how long the people he asked had been at the beach, if they had been there long enough to have seen her.
"Excuse me, have you seen my little girl?" he asked someone for the umpteenth time. "Her name's Emma, she's, she's wearing a purple bathing suit with a checkered sundress over it, and, and a straw hat? Please, have you seen her?"
The man he asked shook his head and said he was sorry. Chandler felt ready to give up, this was going nowhere. He couldn't just walk around like this, asking people for help when he knew it wasn't likely anyone had seen Emma and remembered her. He went over to the next person he saw, a teenager sitting alone on a towel.
"Hi, excuse me, have you seen my daughter?" he asked the teenage boy. "This is what she looks like" he said, showing the guy Emma's photo.
"Nope, sorry man."
Chandler walked towards the next towel he saw, but stopped halfway there and closed his eyes hard. He opened them again and realized he was giving up, which scared him very much. He couldn't give up.
"Has anyone seen my little girl?" he yelled, to anyone who was interested in listening. He turned and saw someone who looked like a lifeguard hurry up to him.
"Sir, are you looking for a young girl?" the man asked.
"Yes, have you seen her?" Chandler asked, desperate to find out anything he could. "Here, this is my daughter's photo" he added, showing the man Emma's picture. "Her name's Emma, she's wearing a purple bathing suit with a, a checkered sundress over it. And a straw hat."
"I don't know about the hat, but yeah it sounds like the girl we found."
"Oh thank you so much, thank God!" Chandler said and put his fingers to his mouth and whistled. He whistled again and got Jack's attention and waved him over. He hoped it would be the right girl, he didn't know what he would do if it turned out to be some other lost little child.


"Emma?" Chandler said, storming in to the lifeguard headquarters with Jack in his trail.
He saw her immediately, she was sitting on a desk with a man in a police uniform standing next to her. Just like the lifeguard had said her hat was missing, and she was crying hysterically, but she seemed to be okay. Chandler walked over and lifted her up.
"Oh thank God…" he said, kissing her all over. "Thank goodness you're all right. I was so worried about you Emma, I thought I'd lost you."
He stroke her over the head and pulled her two braids away from her face, talking soothingly to her. Her crying ceased a lot, and she went over from her loud cries to more complaining and stubborn ones.
"Yeah, you look like the Father all right" the policeman said. "Never seen a girl look more like her Dad. But just to make sure we have to test you, we can't let you walk out with her unless we're sure you're the Father."
Chandler nodded and reached out his arm. The lifeguard took a quick blood test and ran it through a machine that determined such things as paternity in a minute. They had already taken blood from Emma when they'd found her, which was one of the reasons why she was crying so hard. The other reasons were that she was scared, she had been scared of what would happen to her and what her parents would say.
"And who are you?" the policeman asked Jack while waiting for the machine to prove that Chandler was Emma's Father.
"The girl is my daughter-daughter" Jack said.
"Don't tell me," the policeman said with rolling eyes, "this is the joined-effort-during-crisis thing that finally makes you and the son-in-law friends?"
"No, I don't have any problems with my daughter's husband" Jack said, annoyed with the policeman.
"Man I wish my pops-in-law was like that" the lifeguard said. He then turned to Chandler. "Okay, you're free to go, just sign these forms here."
Chandler signed them without putting Emma down and then turned to leave. He wanted to get back to the house as soon as possible.
"Should we call Monica?" Jack asked.
"No, it's no use, we'll be home soon enough anyway" Chandler said.
"When we get home make sure to tell your children, especially Emma, how important it is to not walk off like that" Jack said.
"Jack, right now I'm just thankful that I have my little girl back, that the scare of my life was nothing more than a scare, I don't want to tell her off I just want to hold her" Chandler said and walked out to the car.
Chandler knew Monica would get furious with him, but he ignored the seatbelt when he got into the passenger seat. He didn't want to let Emma out of his arms and he wouldn't be able to get the seatbelt on with her in his lap. Emma held on to him as hard as she could, and slowly stopped crying when her Dad only seemed to be thankful that he'd found her, and not mad that she had walked off on the beach.
At first the thought of what would happen if she didn't find her parents again had been what had frightened most, but when the lifeguard had found her and taken her to a place where she could be safe she had almost gone hysterical worrying about how angry her parents would be. They always told her and her siblings that they could never walk off somewhere on their own, and she remembered the time Anthony had gone out of their Father's sight at the mall. Chandler had been very mad and told him off for walking off like that. And Anthony had only gone into the toy store, Emma had walked off on the beach. But her Dad didn't seem angry with her now.
Once they got back to the house Chandler managed to get out of the car without letting her go, even if it wasn't very easy. She held on to him like she would get lost again if he put her down, and he was just thankful to have her back so he didn't really want to let go of her either even though she was getting heavy. He walked inside followed by Jack, and realized how emotionally worn out he was.
"Monica!" he called out, sounding more tired than in a long while. "I have her!"
Monica came running down the stairs faster than he thought was possible, crying hysterically, and almost forcefully grabbed Emma and moved her over to her own arms instead. Emma started to cry again, mainly because her Mother was crying.
"Oh sweetie" Monica sobbed. "Come here honey, are you okay? Oh God, I was so worried, so worried, don't you ever do anything like this again! Are you okay? You're not hurt are you? Please honey don't be hurt, please be okay! I was worried to death, if you ever do something like this again…"
She sat down on the couch, holding Emma close and talking nonstop. Chandler sunk down next to them and put one arm around Monica's shoulders and the other around Emma's back, pulling the two of them close. Emma was happy to be back in her Mother's arms, but at the same time she wanted to be back in Chandler's. She noticed that Monica was telling her off in the middle of her monologue about how worried she had been and how much she loved her. And even though she knew she deserved it, she still felt afraid of getting told off. And since Chandler hadn't said anything along those lines she wanted to go back to his arms.
All three of them looked up when Bridget crawled into Chandler's lap and gave her sister a hug. Chandler realized that she and Anthony must have worried too, especially Bridget who was old enough to at least partly understand what was going on. Anthony just knew that one of his sisters was missing and that his parents were very upset about it. Chandler saw him standing a few feet away together with Judy, and he told him to come over. Anthony slowly walked over and crawled up next to Monica.
"I hate this mushy crap…" Judy muttered. She quieted when Jack gave her a firm, angry look.
Rachel looked at them and felt relieved. Not only because Emma was back safe and sound and that meant Rachel could stop feeling guilty a lot sooner, but because things were back to normal. And the sight of the almost complete family made her even more sure that she had done the right thing bringing Chandler and Monica with her to LA. She wanted Chandler to be her baby's father, not because she was in love with him but because she wanted a good father for her child. She nearly started laughing when she realized that just ten years earlier she couldn't for her life have pictured Chandler as a good father, or even a father at all. And now she wanted him to be her baby's father. Things really did changed a lot sometimes.


Monica tucked Bridget in and gave her a kiss goodnight. She turned the lights off and left her room, almost colliding with Chandler who was carrying Emma. Emma had been very parent-sick since what had happened earlier in the day, and Chandler was more than happy to carry her around. So was Monica, but she had been busy with the other three children, putting them to bed and taking care of Francesca.
"She's asleep" Chandler whispered.
"I don't think she'll sleep very well tonight" Monica said with a worried frown. "She's been through a rough day, she'll probably have nightmares."
"I know" Chandler said. "Listen, why don't we just put her on the couch downstairs until we're ready to go to bed, that way she'll have us right there if she wakes up."
"Yeah, good idea" Monica said.
They walked downstairs and Chandler carefully put Emma down on the couch. Monica pulled a blanket over her. Rachel entered from the kitchen and looked at them for a second before she said anything.
"Hey guys…" she said.
"Hey" Monica and Chandler said in one voice. Chandler then nodded at the sleeping Emma.
"Oh" Rachel said. "Better be quiet then."
"Actually, maybe we should go to the next room" Chandler said. "And talk about this whole sperm donation thing."
"You want to talk about it?" Rachel said, trying to hide her excitement. This could only mean one thing.
"Yes…" Chandler said. "See, I've been trying so hard to find a valid reason to say no to you. I mean, I know that I don't honestly need a reason, but I wanted to give you one."
"And now?" Rachel said.
"What happened today really made me realize something" Chandler said.
Monica shuddered and thought about what she had said to him over the phone. She glanced at Emma and decided that she stood by what she had said. If Chandler having a child with Rachel was what she had to pay to have Emma back she would gladly pay it, even though it would be hard for her.
"I nearly lost one of my daughters today, one of my children" Chandler said. "And I have only been so terrified once before in my life. And that was when I thought I'd lost Monica, right before I proposed to her. Monica is my whole life, and she always has been, ever since we first fell in love."
"I know" Rachel said. "And I've always admired your devotion for her."
"I know I can't lose Monica. But I can't lose my children either."
"Honey you didn't lose her" Monica gently said.
"Yeah I know, but I realized something today" Chandler repeated. "You see, I realized that I came so close to not getting to see one of my children grow up. All I could think about when I was out searching was that Emma would grow up somewhere were I wasn't there. I could never be comfortable knowing I had a child out there somewhere that I couldn't be there with during the rest of his or her life. And that's why I just can't be your sperm donator Rachel."
"But Chandler you would be there. You can be as much part of the baby's life as you want to, and you can too Monica!" Rachel said.
"Look, I can't!" Chandler said. "It wouldn't work that way. I would either have to give up on that baby or on the four I already have. I would probably be there for your child's birth, but not for his or her first roll over, first word, first step, first anything. Except for maybe first driving lesson or the first time he or she wanted money. Ross has missed out on so much of Ben's life, Ben is almost fifteen years old and I've spent more time with Bridget than Ross has with Ben. I don't want that for me. I wouldn't be able to get any peace if I knew that I had an infant out there that I never got to comfort in the middle of the night, or simply be there for every first thing. Or a child at any age for that matter. So I would have to stay with you to get to experience all of the stages, but then I would miss out on the other children's lives. I would have to make a choice, between the child you would have and the four children I have with Monica. And I wouldn't be able to feel good about myself, it would just be a no-win situation."
"Chandler come on, it wouldn't have to be that way" Rachel said.
"But it would. The only other alternative would be you living with Monica and me, and that just wouldn't work. That kind of thing might work out in a TV show, not in real life. So it's a no Rachel, I cannot be your baby's Father, I'm sorry."
Rachel nodded slowly.
"Okay then… I'm not gonna push you anymore… You have full right to say no, and I guess it was a long shot anyway."
"Rach…" Monica said, and walked over to her. "Look, I know you want a baby as soon as you can possibly have one… But give it a year first, give yourself a chance to get over Boris and your situation with him. This whole thing is premature anyway, it would be foolish of you to get pregnant now anyway."
She gave Rachel a hug and Chandler sensed that he wasn't needed at the moment, so he took the opportunity to go wash up and brush his teeth.
"You've been against this from the start" Rachel said once she and Monica were alone. "Is this the reason why?"
"Which do you mean?" Monica asked. "That it's too soon or that Chandler would miss out on his child's childhood?"
"Both I guess."
"I wish I could say I were that noble" Monica said and broke the hug. "But in actuality it's just jealousy."
"Jealousy? But Monica, you already have four children with him, plus I wouldn't ever want to take your place in his life!"
"That's not what my jealousy was about" Monica said. "After Francesca and the complications when I had her, the chances of me being able to conceive again are so small that they hardly exist. And I'm not saying I want another baby, four is enough for me. And I haven't even been sad about the whole thing to tell you the truth. Until you came and asked Chandler to be your baby's Father."
"I'm not following…" Rachel said.
"I know it's going to sound so stupid…" Monica said. "But… You were able to have a child with him. While I was not anymore. You could give him something that I couldn't, and as I said, I don't want anymore children. But knowing that I couldn't give him one more while you could, that's what made me so against this whole thing… Not that it didn't bother me that you would be the Mother of his child. But I think I could live with that. And that's also why I've been keeping a distance to you, I haven't felt like I've had the right to feel the way I have. And I have hated myself for it…"
"I'm sorry" Rachel said. "Trust me honey, I never wanted to take your place. It wasn't about that. I just wanted my child's father to be someone I knew and loved, even if it wasn't romantic love. And someone who was a great parent. Chandler's the best father I know of and I love him, even if I'm not in love with him. He just the best candidate I could imagine. Plus, you have such great children, I figured he must have some quite nice genes."
Monica chuckled at that comment and gave Rachel another hug.
"Just do me one favor…" she said. "With this whole baby thing… festina lente."
"Will do" Rachel said. "Even though time is running out for me… But you know, I really think you're right. I might be forty years old, but I'm not ready to be a mother."
"Why do you say that all of a sudden?"
"I lost Emma today. Look what happened when you left me with her for just thirty minutes! How could I take care of an infant?"
"Rachel… We don't blame you, okay? It doesn't matter who's fault it was, she's home now and that's all that I care about."
"I know. But I just don't think I'd dare to take the responsibility of a mother yet."
Monica nodded, not knowing what else to say.


An hour later Monica took her robe off and placed the baby monitor on her nightstand. She hoped Francesca would sleep through the night, but she knew it was a useless wish. She would probably have to get up at least once during the night.
Chandler entered, carrying Emma who was drowsy. He caught Monica's look and silently told her that he wanted to let Emma sleep with them tonight. Monica smiled at him and nodded.
"In case she has bad dreams" she said, guessing that was why.
"Uh-hu. And because I don't really like letting her out of sight at the moment" Chandler added.
He put Emma down in the middle of the bed, and Monica noticed that she was in her pajamas. Emma made a complaining noise when he let go of her, but she was too tired to complain. Monica just hoped she wouldn't get too clingy in the future. Chandler began taking his clothes off and Monica got into bed next to Emma. Chandler put a t-shirt on to sleep in and turned the lights off. Then he got into bed as well.
Emma squinted and looked from one of them to the other. She felt safe lying in-between her parents like she always did when she woke up from bad dreams and came to their bedroom for comfort. Her Mother gave her a kiss on the forehead and her Father put his arm around her.
"We used to sleep with you between us like this when you were a baby" Monica whispered to her.
"I'm not a baby" Emma whispered.
"We know" Chandler said. "But that won't stop us from treating you like one."
Emma mumbled something and then fell asleep. Monica and Chandler just looked at each other for a long time. Then Chandler got out of bed and walked over to her side. She lifted the covers for him and he lay down on top of her. They started to kiss, deeper and deeper. They didn't say a word, they just kept kissing for a long time. Not until Monica looked like she was about to fall asleep did Chandler get out of the bed and walked over to his own side. It didn't take them long to fall asleep. They both woke up twice when Emma had nightmares, and the second time Francesca started to cry almost immediately after they woke up. Monica got out of bed and went to check on the baby. Chandler pulled Emma closer so she was lying with him as a mattress, like he used to hold the children when they were babies. It seemed to calm Emma down.
"It was the hat" she said after a while.
"What sweetie?" Chandler asked.
"The hat. The hat blew off. So I ran after it to catch it. But it blew too fast. And then there was a man selling ice-cream, and I ran up to his cart. But I didn't have anyone to buy me one. And then I realized I was lost."
"It's okay honey…"
"Dad? Are you and Mom mad at me?"
"For walking away like that?"
"Yes?"
"No we're not mad. But we have never been more afraid in our entire lives, except for when Anthony was the most sick. That's why we always tell you never to walk off with strangers or just walk off on your own. We're afraid you'll walk too far away and then we'll lose you."
"I'm really sorry."
"Don't worry about it. I'm not angry and Mom isn't either."
Emma nodded. She was becoming more attached to Chandler. She had always been more attached to Monica, but earlier that day she had noticed how her Mother had been more angry-upset than her Dad, who seemed to just be worried-upset.
Monica came back and yawned big. She crawled back into bed and rolled over to them and put her arm around Emma. She put her head on Chandler's shoulder and went back to sleep. Emma soon fell asleep too, but Chandler couldn't at first. He kept thinking about what the night would have been like if Emma hadn't been found. He shuddered and did his best to stop thinking about it.


"And we didn't even go to Disneyland…" Chandler said to Monica the night before they were flying back to New York.
They were busy packing everything and Monica looked up at him with a confused look on her face.
"What?"
"We never went to Disneyland."
"You want to go there with a seven-month old baby?" she asked.
"No… But I was just saying."
"Yeah right" Monica said with a grin. "Admit it, you would have loved leaving Francesca here with me while you took the other three to Disneyland. Just remember though that you wouldn't be able to go on Splash Mountain, Matterhorn, Thunder Mountain or Space Mountain… Not with small children."
"The Dumbo ride was always my favorite" Chandler said.
Monica laughed and playfully threw a bathing suit on him. He picked it up and looked at it with a playful grin on his face.
"Now how come I never saw you wear this?" he asked.
"Because I'm such a pain-in-the-ass mother that I wouldn't let the children go swimming, and after Emma's episode I was scared to even take them down to the beach to play" Monica said.
"So wear it for me now."
"My yellow bathing suit? Does that turn you on? A one-piece, canary yellow bathing suit?" Monica said skeptically.
"Well, if you have something in the string bikini area that I haven't seen you in…" Chandler said suggestively.
"Hey, wait a second!" Monica said. "Put some swimsuit on and meet me downstairs in five minutes. Oh, and bring towels."
"A late night swim?" Chandler asked.
"You know I'm not going near the ocean" Monica said, and left with her bathing suit.


Five minutes later Chandler came downstairs, wearing a swimsuit and a robe, carrying Monica's robe and a pair of towels. He found a note with his name on it on the coffee table and picked it up.
"Meet me out back" he read.
He walked out on the balcony and looked to his right, then his left. He heard a noise and walked to the left. He turned around the corner and saw Monica. She was in her bathing suit, sitting in a Jacuzzi. Or more correctly, she was turned to face him with her arms resting on the side of the Jacuzzi and her chin resting against his arms. She smiled seducingly and Chandler grinned.
"You didn't know that this place had a Jacuzzi?" she asked him. "Rachel said we could use it…"
"Excellent" Chandler grinned.
He took his robe off and put it in a small pile together with her robe and the towels and then went around the Jacuzzi and got in, humming the theme from 'Jaws'. Monica grinned and turned to face him. He got up to her and they started kissing. Monica wrapped her arms and legs around him and he ran his hands through her hair. She had gotten another haircut right before they had left New York, by now her hair was by her shoulders. He loved it, it was something new, and it reminded him of when they had gotten together. She could feel how aroused he was and she felt happy that even after having four children she could still make him feel that way with hardly any effort at all.
"I've never made love in a pool before" she whispered after breaking the kisses, and gently nibbled his earlobe.
"Well then we're going to have to do something about that, aren't we?" Chandler mumbled back, and began taking her bathing suit off.
"In fact…" Monica said. "I've never even been naked in a pool before."
"Luckily I have a way to change both those things right here not now" Chandler said huskily and lifted her far enough over the water to be able to suck on her breasts.
When she moaned and put her hands around his head he took a deep breath and lowered her down again, so that he had his head under water. When he lifted his head back up for more air she gave him a hot kiss and he kissed her back passionately. He loved kissing her when they were both wet, even though he wasn't very fond of sex in the shower in general. But this was different. Everything around him aroused him, the temperature in the air and in the water, the sound of the crickets, the pale moonlight and the light from the pool lamps. He went back down under water and found her breasts. Monica reached out her hand and found the switch that started the bubbles, she had left them off until now. She grinned and pressed the button. Chandler came back up to the surface at once and gave her a look. Monica giggled and splashed water at him.
"Okay I'll get you for that one…" Chandler said and Monica dove under the surface, starting a chasing game between them.


All of those memories came back to Monica in just a few seconds while she listened to Emma talking about her closeness with her Father. It had been the incident at the beach that had brought them closer, Monica had never figured out exactly how, but she had noticed how ever since Emma would sooner turn to Chandler than to her. It didn't bother Monica all that much, it gave her less to handle when one of the children turned to Chandler instead of her. And she was happy that one of her children felt so close to him.
"Okay, I guess that's pretty much what I have to say about my Father" Emma said. "At least as far as his job as a parent goes. I'm pretty much like him, and one of the things I have from him is that I'm not too comfortable sharing my emotions with the crowd. My Dad always used to say that it's not very important that the whole world knows how you feel about someone, as long as the person you feel something for knows. And I think he knows what he meant to me and how much I loved him. And still do love him. And I did have this whole long speech ready where I would talk about him and about how I love him. But I just changed my mind, I'm not going to talk about that anymore. What I want to talk about instead, is how odd I think it is that my Mother wasn't asked to say anything here today. Not that I'm so sure she would even if she were asked, she and my Dad said everything they needed to say to each other before he died. And when it comes to him, she's not too interested in sharing everything with everyone either. But I still think that someone should at least have asked her. Nobody knows my Dad better than my Mom, sometimes I would even wonder if they were two people or one. They didn't seem to be able to keep anything secret from each other, and they didn't seem to want to either. I know, it sounds like I'm talking about some made up romantic couple in a book, who were just meant to be. But they weren't like this at first, like everyone else they had their problems and their ups and downs. But unlike most people they didn't give up. They used the hard times and turned them into something good. With every crisis they faced they came out stronger on the other side. Whenever my husband and I are in a tough spot I just think back at my parents and I act as I think they would have. Mom says I have that from my Father, the thing about refusing to give up. But my Mother can be insanely stubborn herself. Either way, my parents have saved my marriage more times than I can count, and I don't even think they know it. Most people say that love burns out sooner or later, if you're with someone long enough you'll stop being in love. But you'll be so attached to one another that you'll stay together. Well my parents were in love, are in love. I know my Mother is in love with my Father, and I know that wherever he is he loves her too. But they've taught me something else, that love doesn't have to be at first sight to be the kind that lasts forever. That's one of the most valuable lessons they've taught me. But I'm not here to promote my parents' marriage. All I'm really trying to say is, that nobody cared for him like she does, and there was no one he loved more than her. So she should be the one standing here, talking about him. Not me or my siblings, even though we love him very much too. She's the only one who truly knew him all together."


Monica had always pictured rain on this day, the day that she would bury her husband next to the children she had survived. But the sun was shining when she, the children and their families, and Joey stayed behind for the actual funeral service. The men in the family carried the coffin but that didn't make Monica feel any certain way. Chandler and her had seen enough people be lowered into the ground, she had discovered a long time ago that things like who carried the coffin was just a small detail. But standing there with one child on each side of her to hold her up, watching the coffin with his dead body be lowered in the ground, she understood for the first time what it was like to actually die inside.
She had felt as if part of her died when she had been through this with her children, but it was nothing like the feeling inside of her now. It felt as if someone had ripped away half of her body and an even larger part of her soul. And she almost hated him for it. Why did she have to love him so much that even after fifty-two years of marriage it felt as if they were newlyweds? Why did he have to be the first one to go? She was on her own for the first time in fifty-five years, and it was a terrifying realization. She didn't want to be on her own. She didn't feel free. She would only be free if he was there with her. She remembered the day before their wedding, they had spent most of it just lying together on the couch, enjoying the closeness. And she had joked and said that he should enjoy his last day of freedom. And he had replied, dead serious, that he wouldn't be free until the next day when they were married. Then he would finally be free from his fears of commitment and of dying alone, as well as his fears of never loving and being loved and of never having a family. That would be freedom.
Monica gently squeezed Emma's arm that was holding hers on Monica's left side. Emma was sobbing uncontrollably, she seemed to be taking it much harder than her siblings. Monica didn't even notice the tears falling down her own cheeks, she was used to them falling by now.
"Hey…" she whispered to Emma. "He would be so proud of you. What you said in your speech was beautiful."
Emma nodded and swallowed hard. She tried her best to pull herself together. Monica leaned a bit closer and talked as low as she could without whispering, since whispering hurt her throat.
"Don't hold anything back" she said. "Cry all you want to. Self control and that kind of stuff, throw that out the window. It's important to get to cry when you feel you need to, when somebody dies you should never try and save your tears."
"You've been saying the exact opposite during this week" Emma whispered.
"There's nothing shameful about crying by your Father's grave" Monica said.
"Or your husband's" Emma said.
Monica nodded. She didn't have much strength to cry though. It was too hard. She cried inside instead, cried and screamed out her pain. Grieving was mostly something she did in private, with him. Even if it in this case meant inside her head. She had been able to keep her tears at bay almost completely today, until she had seen him. Once the memorial service was over she had been led up to his casket and she had taken a long last look at him. Her tears had started falling and they hadn't stopped since. She almost wished she hadn't seen him, she didn't want to see him for the last time like that. But at the same time she felt like she needed closure. She knew that was something she would never get, but seeing him in death at least made the process easier. And morticians did a fine job these days, you could hardly tell it was a dead person lying in the coffin.
Monica had lifted up his left hand to her mouth and kissed it, feeling how cold and lifeless it was. She had then kissed his wedding band, the one she had once engraved with the words 'With this ring, my soul', words that she had often looked back on as tacky but that she knew he had loved. And she had then held that hand until she had been forced to back away when they were closing the casket.
When the first shovels of dirt fell on the coffin she gently untangled herself from her children's arms. They didn't protest, they just put their arms around her waist instead. She grabbed her left hand with her right and let her fingers feel the wedding ring on her own finger. She looked at her eleven year-old grandson Jake standing close to her, and then she looked down on the ground.
"Jake" she said. He looked up at her. "Do granny a favor and pick one of those daises for me, okay?"
Jake nodded and picked the finest one he could find. He handed it to her solemnly.
"Here you go" he said.
"Thank you sweetheart."
She lifted the flower to her lips and kissed it. She counted the petals and smiled. If she had played the old 'Loves me, loves me not' game she would have ended up with a petal saying that he loved her. She walked closer to the open grave, feeling her children trying to hold her back. They were probably scared she would fall into the grave, and for a second she really felt like she wouldn't mind. She wasn't very interested in living anyway. But she dismissed the thought and reached her hand out over the open grave. She let go of the daisy and it fell down along with another shovel of dust.
"Did Grandpa like daisies?" Jake asked.
"Yes" Monica said.
Jake picked up a daisy too and threw it in. Monica smiled and felt better. Jake went up to her instead of going to his Mother, and hugged her. She hugged him back and thought about how strange it was. The once so commitment fearing man she had been across the hall neighbors with now had a large family with children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren who would miss him very much. He had never had a family as a child, but as an adult he'd had one. Monica felt lucky to be the one who got to give him all of that.
She twirled the ring on her finger again and thought about the engraved words. Chandler had engraved it with 'In this twosome you'll never be lonesome', something Bridget had often frowned at because she didn't find it the least bit romantic. But to Monica it was romantic, mainly because it had been what he wanted her to know and never forget. And she had never been lonesome in their twosome. But now she was on her own.




Review please. Constructive criticism is always welcome, and so is anything good you might have to say about the fic. If you're reading this at fic.net you can either leave a review below or mail me (annapanna__@hotmail.com, with 2 underlines) and if you're reading this at Ashlee's site you can also send me an e-mail.