For Better, For Worse

by Annna

Okay, sure hope part 5 loaded okay this time... R&R please!

5. Chapter 4, 2nd half

For Better, For Worse (4, 2nd half)

Due to me working and my computer not doing the same, this second half has taken a little longer that I expected. Thanks to Jjaks for helping me out and for giving me his honest opinion.


"Monica!" Chandler said one day in February, coming home from work. "Monica! Where are you? Monica?"
"Upstairs" he heard her call out.
"Well then come downstairs! I've got great news!"
Monica came hurrying down the stairs and greeted him with a kiss.
"Great news huh? Are we pregnant again?"
Chandler stuck his tongue out at her as a response to her joke and put his briefcase down. He walked to the dining room and she followed.
"It's about my job" he said.
"Then I guess it's really good" Monica said. "Because it takes a whole lot for you to think something at work is good."
"I've got a big promotion" Chandler said with a huge grin. "And you will never believe what my job now is!"
"Tell me!"
"My company is starting up in Los Angeles and they've given me the job of putting the whole thing together! Not the actual building of course, but to hire people, to advertise, to make the whole thing work... Of course it will only be for a while, until they don't need me anymore, but it's great, isn't it? Isn't it?"
Monica didn't know what to say. She was shocked. Los Angeles?
"Did you say LA?" she asked.
"Yeah!" Chandler said.
"Chandler... Los Angeles is on the west coast, we are on the east."
"So?" Chandler said. "It's not permanent. We could all use some change of environment anyway."
"You're saying we're all moving to the west coast?" Monica asked.
"Uh-hu!"
"No way" Monica said, shaking her head. "We're not going."
"Excuse me?" Chandler said.
"I said we're not going."
"Okay..." Chandler said. "Give me your perfectly good explanation now before I count to ten and realize I'm still mad."
"Chandler we can't move. It's impossible" Monica said. "Bridget and Emma are in school, Tony's in kindergarten. I'm working!"
"So they'll take some time off, no big deal. I moved a lot when I was a kid, it didn't hurt me any."
"Chandler aren't you listening to me?" Monica asked. "We can't go."
"And aren't you listening to me? Monica you know how much I've disliked my work! Now I'm getting offered doing something I would actually enjoy! And it wouldn't be forever!"
"How long?"
"I don't know exactly. A year to eighteen months."
"Too long" Monica decided.
"Too long?" Chandler asked. "Too long to live in another city, or too long..." He trailed off, not bothering to finish his question.
"Why am I getting the feeling that you're painting me up as the bad guy here?" Monica asked.
"Honey I've gotten a wonderful job opportunity and you're telling me no can do!" Chandler said.
"Chandler we can't move to Los Angeles, it's out of the question."
"For you, or for us?" he said. "Look, the children will love it, we can let somebody rent our house for a year and we can probably stay in Rachel's beach house."
"Well it doesn't make a difference because I'm not leaving" Monica said.
"How can you say that to me?" Chandler asked.
"Chandler I am working for the first time in years, you know how much I've longed for this!" Monica said. "And I've only been working for a few months. I can't move in the middle of the semester. And since I've worked here for so little time, I won't have a job waiting for me when I get back. You're once again asking me to become a housewife and just hang around doing nothing!"
"They have home-economics in LA too" Chandler pointed out. Monica didn't like his quipping tone. "And Monica this is the job opportunity of my life! I've been working my entire adult life with something I didn't like and now finally that has paid off, I've paid my dues and I'm finally in a place where I get to do something I want! And besides, either I take this job or they fire me. And we can't make a living on your salary only."
"Chandler I doubt they'd fire you if you didn't take this job."
"They would Monica" Chandler said. "They would. And it doesn't matter anyway, because I've already accepted it. I guess I thought you'd be happy for me."
"Happy for you, sure. But I do not want to move to Los Angeles!"
"Monica..." Chandler said. "I have to go. Do you get that? That's where my job is."
"Well I don't care, I am not moving" Monica said. "I am not giving up my new job over this. Something that's only gonna last a year anyway!"
"So what are you saying?" Chandler asked. "You'll be staying here?"
"Yes" Monica said. She didn't think he was going to move if she didn't, and she really didn't want to move anywhere. "I don't even understand, why do we have to go? Why can't you just talk to the people at your work?"
"Monica let me explain just one thing to you..." Chandler said. "We have two options here, I can either go to Los Angeles or I can stay in New York. Going to Los Angeles means money, Monica. We have four children to put through college!"
"Whatever happened to 'the money we got from Dad will cover that'?"
"What if it doesn't cover it?" Chandler asked. "Who knows what college will cost by the time they're all grown enough to go there? And what about after college? Don't you want them to have enough money to be able to stand on their own feet until they get a job?"
"We can earn money here too" Monica said.
"Not this kind of money. And if I stay I lose my job. And then we have no money to spend on anything. Your salary won't cover the costs of a house, four children and two adults. Do you want our children to have to live on a tight budget again?"
"Chandler stop this weird pie tossing!" Monica said. "I don't want any bad things for them. And that includes having to move across the country."
"Well what about what you want for me?" Chandler asked. "Do I matter?"
"You know you do" Monica said.
"Well can you then please consider the fact that I don't want to have to lose my job" Chandler said. "As well as the fact that for the first time in my working life I have the opportunity to do something fun, something I care about!"
"I am considering that, but Chandler can you please consider the fact that for the past five years I have been walking around at home, wanting to go to work again, and now finally I've gotten to do that? You'd be taking all of that away by moving us across the continent. And before you get upset, I'm asking you not to get hung up on the fact that I said 'you'd be taking it away'. Because that's not what's important, what's important is that I would hate it Chandler. I would hate being a housewife again. And I would get annoyed and bitter, and most likely I would take it out on you. And frankly, I'm not so sure we're strong enough right now to deal with one of us being bitter and taking it out on the other one."
"Monica if I stay here I'll be unemployed, knowing that I could have been in LA doing something I would have truly enjoyed. And that would make me bitter."
Monica sighed.
"Is there any way out of this?"
"Not as I see it... Not right now... Why can't you be supportive of me?"
"Chandler I have always been supportive of you" Monica protested. "But honestly Chandler you can't come crying to me about disliking what you've done for a living all your adult life. You've had plenty of opportunities to quit that job and find something better!"
"Maybe I had before, but then you got pregnant" Chandler said. "And I didn't dare to take the risk of being unemployed. That was the first thing I learned about parenting, making sure that there was enough money to keep the baby from lacking anything. Children cost money."
"Yes they do. But what about after your Dad died, we had money then, you could have searched for a new job then!"
"I had just gotten a promotion."
"So?" Monica said. "Chandler you know I would have supported you if you had told me you were quitting your job to find something else. We could have found ways to save money and to keep the money you inherited from running out. We could have stayed in the old house, for example."
"Monica did you ever think that I would have us stay in that house when we had the money to move, when I knew how much you disliked living there?" Chandler asked. "And either way, the past is the past and we can't change it. I can't go back in time and get another job, all I can do is take the job offered to me now that I would love to have."
"And next year, what happens then?" Monica asked. "When this LA thing is over? You'll be back where you were. Now you have the chance to get out there and find a job that you would love."
"I can't do that Monica" Chandler said. "I'm the one bringing in the most money here, we can't make a living out of your teachers' pay when we're a family of six. All I'm asking of you is one year out of your life."
"You have every year of my life" Monica said. "But those years are in New York."
"I'm asking you here, please come to Los Angeles with me! I promise you Monica, give these eighteen months to me and I swear to make every sacrifice I have to for your career."
"I can't leave as it is right now." Monica said "I just can't."
"I have to leave" he said. "My work is in Los Angeles."
"You can get something else here in New York" Monica said. "I refuse to believe they'd fire you if you didn't want to pack up your things and move across a continent with a wife and four kids."
"It's either this or nothing" Chandler said. "I'm going Monica."
"And I'm not."
Chandler turned on his heel and left the room. He didn't know what to think. He hadn't thought she would refuse to come with him. He turned again and looked at her.
"My own wife would rather spend up to eighteen months apart from me than to come with me" he said. Then he left the room, leaving Monica alone.

Monica hadn't honestly believed that he had been serious. She hadn't expected him for a minute to move, no matter what he had said. She had trusted in his love for her and the children, that it would keep him where they were. She hadn't expected him for a minute to move. But she soon learned that he was serious. That made her very mad, since she couldn't just leave her job. She had to stay and he knew it. Yet he was leaving.
They didn't speak much during the three weeks before he was going to leave. He told her that he would fly back as often as he could, but since it would cost a lot of money it wouldn't be that often. He made it pretty clear that he was upset with her, and that he hated having to leave the children. Monica was too angry at him to care at first. She didn't understand how it was her fault that they would be apart.
But once he started making more serious preparations to move her anger started to fade away. She didn't even notice it herself at first, she was too busy keeping up her mad exterior and pretending like she had no interest at all in coming with him. And she didn't have much interest, her only interest would be getting to be with him. She started to realize that they would be apart for real. There would be an entire continent between them. No more sleeping together in the same bed, no more seeing each other every single day, no more dealing with everyday problems together. And the worst part was that he didn't seem to care. She hoped it was just an exterior.
The day before he left was awful. Monica had finally broken, all of her anger was gone and she was only sad and depressed. She couldn't believe he would leave her. She couldn't believe her husband would live on the west coast while she was in the east. She numbly helped him pack and watched him write down the address for the apartment his company had gotten him, as well as the phone number. She felt a lump in his throat when they sat down to dinner with the children, and everyone except Francesca knew it would be a while before they'd get to eat together again. Especially Emma seemed sad. Monica knew she was closer to Chandler than the other children, she had been ever since the time she almost got lost on the beach.
After dinner Monica numbly offered to do the dishes on her own, so the children could go watch a movie and Chandler could go to work for a while to get some things he had forgotten. While she did the dishes she hoped Chandler would be in a better mood once he came back. He had been avoiding her most of the day and she didn't want it to be that way between them that night.
When Chandler got home he barely said a word to her, just nodded when she offered him to get to tuck the children in alone. He wouldn't get to tuck them in for a while. She kept out of the way while he tucked them in and ended up in front of the TV, watching something on Discovery about Christopher Wilder.
"I've got some things left to pack..." Chandler said to her when he exited Bridget's room after putting her to bed.
"Bridget went to sleep awfully fast" Monica said.
"She..." Chandler hesitated. "Well you know how she gets sometimes. I think she's angry with me."
"I'll go check on her" Monica said and rose.
"Don't" Chandler said. "She's listening to some story in her Walkman and you know how much she hates being interrupted..."
"The only kid in the world who still uses a Walkman..." Monica said.
"I'm going downstairs to continue packing" Chandler said and headed down the stairs.
Monica turned the TV off and followed him downstairs. She felt the lump in her throat again when she helped him pack. She had never thought she'd have to help her own husband pack to move someplace without her. They were both quiet at first, until Chandler started closing his last suitcase.
"No wait!" Monica said. She walked to his nightstand drawer. "You have to have your sock with you... to keep by your bed."
She handed it to him and he packed it down. She walked back to the nightstand and lifted a small booklet made out of A4 papers stapled together. It was actually pictures that the children had drawn for him, that she had stapled together for him once to keep easier track of them. She handed the booklet to him.
"You have to bring this too... The children made them for you, after all."
He nodded and packed it. She got up and found some more things he needed to bring, until Chandler finally told her that it was enough, and if he had forgotten something he could pick it up when he came back home over a weekend. Monica didn't protest, and he closed his suitcase and brought it out to the door. She sunk down on the bed, deeply depressed, and wished she could stop time.
Chandler came back a couple of minutes later, drinking an orange Gatorade and eating peanut butter pretzels. Monica felt like telling him to wait until he was in LA with eating snacks in the bedroom but the thought of talking about him being there made her too upset to say the words.
"My flight leaves at three tomorrow" he said, sitting down on the bed and chewing his pretzels.
Monica didn't reply at first. She had an apathetic look on her face, crawled up on the bed with her head by the foot of the bed and vice versa. She didn't want to talk about him leaving. She didn't want to talk at all. When they talked, the icy mood would be more real. If they were silent she could at least to some extent enjoy this last night.
"I'll have to leave no later than at two" Chandler said.
"If you have to break the silence then..." Monica began. She was quiet for a second and then continued speaking. "If that's all you can think of to break the silence with then don't bother breaking it."
"I just figured you might want to know."
"I've known all week."
They were silent for a while. Then it was Monica's turn to break the silence.
"I so hate this" she said. "I'm gonna miss you."
"Yeah, I should have offered you to come" Chandler said sarcastically.
"I don't want to get into that" Monica said. "It won't lead anywhere, either way we can't change anything at this point. Why do we have to spend this last night together arguing and bickering?"
"I don't know Mon..." Chandler said. "We were never good at setting arguments aside and having hot sex."
"I don't require sex from you tonight" Monica said. "To tell you the truth I'm not up for it. I just don't want to argue tonight. If we don't argue, at least I can pretend that..."
"That what?"
"That we're okay."
"Pretend away" Chandler said, and finished his Gatorade.
He got up and left the bedroom, returning a while later, ready for bed. Monica slowly got off the bed and went to get ready herself. While she was gone, Chandler tried his best to fall asleep. He didn't want her to try and talk tonight. He just wanted to go to sleep without having to listen to her talk, or sigh sadly, or move around on her side of the bed. He didn't manage to go to sleep though, but made sure he was crawled up far on his side, with his back at her, when she got back. He knew it wasn't very mature, but he didn't want to have to talk to her. And he wanted her to know he was angry with her, even if the word angry was an understatement. He was furious with her.
Monica watched his back as she got into bed and turned the lights off and she tried to keep her tears away. All she wanted was to get to go to sleep in his arms, but he didn't seem to be in a cuddly mood. She decided to respect his apparent desire to keep a distance, and didn't move closer to him. But after a while she opened her mouth.
"This is the last time in a while now that we get to go to sleep together" she said.
"Just go ahead and lay your guilt trip on me so I can go to sleep afterward" Chandler answered her.
"No guilt trip..." Monica said. "I promise. Just an 'I love you'."
"Yeah, ditto" Chandler mumbled.

Monica felt even worse the next day. She felt like her heart was breaking, she couldn't understand that he wouldn't be there that night when she went to bed. She couldn't understand that she and the children would be having dinner without him for a long time, or that she would have to tuck them in at night by herself.
Chandler had called a cab and once it arrived he went out with his remaining suitcases and then told the cabdriver to wait for a minute while he said goodbye to his family. The cabdriver rolled his eyes but agreed to wait. Chandler walked inside and closed the door, to at least get some privacy. Monica was standing in the hall together with the children. He lifted Francesca up and gave her a hug and a kiss, telling her how much he would miss her while he was gone.
"Don't you go growing up too fast, you hear?" he added. "You're the baby, you have to stay that way until I get back."
He then put her down and said goodbye to the children, one at a time, giving them each a hug, a kiss, an 'I love you' and an 'I'll miss you' together with some extra addition. He noticed that Bridget seemed really unwilling to hug him and he frowned slightly.
"Something the matter, kiddo?" he asked.
"Other than my Dad deserting my family?" Bridget asked. "No."
"I'm not deserting you. Okay?" Chandler said. "I even wanted you all to come with me to Los Angeles."
"Sure" Bridget said sarcastically. "If you had then we would have come."
"Mom didn't want to" Chandler told her.
Monica bit her lower lip but tried not to be bothered by his comment. But she knew that now Bridget would be angry with her for as long as Chandler was gone. Chandler looked at her, then leaned in and kissed her on the corner of her mouth. "I'll call you when I get there" he said. Then he left.
If the children hadn't been in the room Monica would have burst out crying. Not just because he had left, but because of the way he had. She hadn't gotten a hug, not a proper kiss, he hadn't said he loved her and would miss her. He had just kissed her on the corner of her mouth and then told her he would call. And then he'd left.
"I'll be at Julia's" Bridget declared, grabbing her jacket. "Bye..." she said when she left.
Monica looked after her but decided not to go tell her to come back inside. She knew Bridget well enough to know when she needed to cool off. She picked Francesca up and walked to the kitchen with her to let her play in there while Monica defrosted the freezer. Anthony followed and Emma walked upstairs to watch TV. The house seemed really empty. Monica had always heard people say that homes seemed empty and quiet when someone in the family was missing and now she knew it was right. She had never been in such an empty and quiet house her entire life.

In early April, Monica still hadn't gotten used to Chandler being away. He had been home once, for Bridget's birthday, but he hadn't said much to her at that time. She knew he was upset with her but she thought it was getting ridiculous. They didn't have much time together, the little time they had should be quality time instead of wasted time. The children seemed to have accustomed much easier, they all seemed to think he was just gone for a few weeks and then he would move back for good. Monica knew that it would be at least another ten months before he could move back home, but she didn't say anything along those lines to the children.
Even if the children had accustomed to Chandler being gone, it was still clear that Bridget hadn't forgiven Monica for it. She was cranky, unruly and disobedient. Monica had to yell at her a lot more than normally, and it was getting on her nerves. She tried to explain the situation to Bridget at least once a week, but Bridget didn't seem to be taking it in. Monica was angry at Chandler for telling Bridget what he had told her, but after a while she decided to just accept it. She didn't want Bridget to act that way around Chandler whenever he was home, it was better that she was taking her anger out on Monica.
The first Friday in April she got invited to a party by some co-workers who thought she should get out of the house more. She decided to go if she could find someone to baby-sit, and ended up with a girl from one of her classes to baby-sit. She felt odd about going out somewhere without Chandler, it had been quite a while since the last time that had happened, but she told herself she deserved it and that he probably went to parties in Los Angeles too.
While she was out that Friday Chandler came back home for a quick visit over the weekend, to wish Anthony a happy birthday. The baby-sitter, Lara, looked up in surprise when she heard the front door close, a male voice call out 'hello' and saw Emma and Anthony hurry out in the hall to greet whoever this person was.
"Hello?" she called out.
Chandler appeared in the doorway, holding Emma in his arms and with Anthony right behind him. He stared at Lara in confusion.
"Hi?" he said. "Uhm, who are you?"
"My name is Lara Williams..." Lara said. "I'm the baby-sitter."
"Baby-sitter?" Chandler said. "But Monica, where is she?"
"Who did you say you were again?"
"Oh, sorry" Chandler said. "I'm Chandler Bing, the husband and father. So where is she?"
"Out on a party" Lara said warily. "And she didn't mention anything about her husband coming home."
"I didn't tell her I was coming" Chandler said. Then he turned to Emma. "Where's your older sister, huh?"
"Upstairs, in her room" Emma answered.
"And the baby?"
"Her room, sleeping."
"It seems that all Francesca ever does is sleep" Chandler mumbled to himself. He put Emma down and walked up to Lara, shaking her hand. "I would let you go home now, but I don't have any money on me to pay you..."
"That's okay" Lara said. "I'll stay until Mrs. Bing gets back."
Chandler smiled slightly. Then he left to go say hi to the other two children. Lara watched him leave and felt sceptic. She didn't know whether or not to believe him. She had never seen any pictures of Mrs. Bing's husband and Mrs. Bing hadn't said a word about him coming back. And Lara knew he was working in Los Angeles and it seemed a bit unlikely that he would pay a surprise visit when the distances were that great.
She let him tuck the children in, and didn't leave the kitchen table where she was going through some notes for a test she had a couple of days later. Chandler came in to the kitchen when the children were put to bed, and looked around. "Are you alone?" he asked. "I mean, are you the only person baby-sitting?"
"Yeah" Lara said.
"Strange" Chandler said, with a disapproving tone. "She left all four children alone with just one person, someone they don't even know very well? I mean, no offence, but she shouldn't have left you in charge of them. We have several friends who could have baby-sat."
"I don't know anything about that" Lara said. "All I know is she's paying me to baby-sit tonight."
"Did she tell you when she's gonna be home?" Chandler asked.
"Around eleven."
Chandler glanced at his wristwatch.
"Two hours from now then..." He sighed. Then he looked up at Lara again. "You know, you don't have to sit here all night... you can use the TV or something if you'd like. I'm gonna go park in front of my computer, and see if I can get in touch with someone at work."
Lara nodded but didn't go to watch TV. She stayed in the kitchen until Monica got back, two hours later. Once she did, Lara walked up to her after having packed up her books, and was about to ask about Mr. Bing when Monica interrupted her and paid her the money she owed her. Then Monica looked up and saw Chandler coming out in the kitchen.
"Oh my god..." she said. A wide smile broke out in her face. "Chandler?"
She hurried up to him and hugged him tight. Chandler put his arms around her but it wasn't much of a hug back. She sensed he was mad again, but she didn't know what he was mad about. She wrote it off as her imagination. She gave him a quick kiss and a smile and then turned her attention back to Lara. She talked to her for a minute and then Lara left, and Monica went back to the kitchen were Chandler was waiting.
"So great to see you!" she said. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming, I would have stayed home tonight!"
"Monica are you completely crazy?" Chandler asked. "How could you leave one teenager, that you hardly even know, alone with our four children?"
"I trust her" Monica said with a shrug to the shoulder.
"Yes but with four children?" Chandler said. "Damn it, we have a hard enough time with all four of them sometimes, you're gonna leave some teenager they don't even know to take care of them for a night? What was she suppose to do if one of them started making trouble? Huh?"
"I deserve to have a night off from taking care of four children all by myself" Monica dryly said. "Thanks to you and your last words to Bridget, I've been the person they're allowed to hate these past weeks. They haven't been easy, especially not Bridget. So I think I've earned the right to just think about myself for one night. "And everything went just fine tonight. Goodnight Chandler."
She walked past him, feeling incredibly hurt and disappointed. When she had seen him there she had thought they would have a good weekend together but instead he started a fight. She was in no mood for fighting right now and she wished he was still in Los Angeles. She wished she could have the bed to herself, so that she could cry herself to sleep without him being there. She had a strong feeling it wouldn't be a very fun weekend.
Chandler went upstairs and sat down on the couch, to avoid seeing her. He couldn't believe that she had been so irresponsible as to leave the children alone with a young stranger. Not that he thought the girl would hurt them but he had strong doubts she'd be able to take care of all four of them if even only one of them refused to do as she said. And it wasn't like Monica to leave the children in that way. He couldn't understand why she hadn't asked one of their friends to baby-sit. If she had managed to get a teenage girl to baby-sit on a Friday night it couldn't have been on such a short notice that she had been unable to get a hold of their friends. He sighed deeply and wondered what was really wrong with Monica at the moment.

Monica was starting to think this had been a really bad idea.
It was hers and Chandler's anniversary, and she had decided to fly in and surprise him. But she had been so stressed with finding a baby-sitter and getting time off from work that she had forgotten one important part. She didn't know his address. Hardly anyone wrote actual letters these days, people sent e-mails to each other instead, and she had never gotten to know his address. He had written it down, but she hadn't gotten a chance to look at it before Emma had helped her clean and misplaced it. She figured that out at LAX while waiting for her luggage. She cursed herself for it, it was very unlike her to forget something like that. She knew she could probably figure his address out, but she would need a computer for that and she didn't have one at the moment.
She got outside and swore at the heat while waving for a cab. She asked the cabdriver where she could find a computer to use and he took her to the closest library. He asked if she wanted him to wait but she told him no. It could take her quite a while to get the address and it would cost her a fortune to keep the cab for that long. She paid the man what she owed him and then hurried into the library. She felt ridiculous with her suitcase in tow but she decided to ignore the curious looks she got from some of the people and walked up to the checkout counter and asked if they had any computers she could borrow.
When she finally sat down by a computer she logged on to the Web and then searched for the homepage of Chandler's company. Once she found it she went to the LA section and searched under 'employment'. She found Chandler's name and clicked on it. A password requirement came up. Monica sighed. She should have realized that they kept information like address and such under password. She had even overheard Chandler mention something about it. She smiled slightly when she remembered that Chandler had said that each person had their own private password that they picked out themselves. She knew him well enough to be able to figure out his password.
Systematically she opened a Word program and started listing all the password combinations she could think of, under categories based on how probable it was that Chandler was using it. She finally landed on three different ones and tried them out. The second one turned out to be a match, and she smiled slightly. She quickly eyed through the page and then fished out a pencil and a pad from her purse and wrote down the address she found.
Once she got to the correct address, and the right condo she realized she had another big problem. She couldn't get in. Doors still needed keys to be unlocked, and she didn't have one. She didn't know what to do, she couldn't just sit outside his condo until he got back home and found her there. It could be several hours. It was only 3 p.m. and she knew he worked long hours. She swore again and walked down to the lobby, where she managed to find a janitor. She walked up to him, put on a nice smile and asked him for help.
"Excuse me miss?" he said with a disliking face and tone when he heard what she needed help with.
"Look, I know it sounds... I don't know, like I'm gonna break in or something. But trust me, that's not the case. Do you know Mr. Bing?"
"Know him would be a strong word" the janitor muttered. "He mostly just works. Hardly ever home."
"Well do you know what he looks like?"
"Yeah I've seen him once or twice."
"Okay, hold on."
Monica got her wallet up from her purse and looked through it until she found two pictures. She handed them to the janitor.
"See, this is us on our wedding day... and the other picture was taken six months ago. I really am his wife and I really need to get in."
The janitor eyed the two pictures sceptically and then sighed and handed them back to Monica.
"I'll probably lose my job for this..." he muttered.
Monica smiled and put the pictures back in the wallet. She followed him up to Chandler's condo and thanked him when he unlocked the door. She walked inside and closed the door behind her. She looked around, impressed with what she saw. A high ceiling, wooden walls and floors and lots of spaces everywhere. The kitchen was directly to her left, and it was the same kind of kitchen they had had before, the kind that was more just a corner where they cooked. There was a counter opposite the wall with the stove and fridge and everything else, where someone could prepare the food. She took a walk around the apartment and loved what she saw. It was a really gorgeous place. She wondered how Chandler's company could afford paying for such a place for him. She knew he didn't have to pay anything himself. She smiled wider and leaned against the kitchen counter. She couldn't wait to cook dinner in such a fancy kitchen. She wondered how soon he would be home, and she hoped he would be happy to find her there.

Chandler felt really tired when he got back home. He only had an hour to shower and eat before he had to go back to work for a meeting. He knew today was May 17th and therefor the day he and Monica had been married for eleven years, but he knew it would just be another day at work for him. There wouldn't be anything special about it at all, except maybe a phone call from Monica where she would be too tired to talk since it would be really late in New York.
He got off the elevator and walked up to his condo. He fished out the key, unlocked the door and walked inside. He froze the same second he walked inside. The place was lit up even though he knew for sure he had turned all lamps off before he left. He felt the smell of food and the sound of the food being made coming from the kitchen. He slowly turned his head to the right and saw Monica in the kitchen. She looked up at him with a slight smile on her face.
"Just in time" she said.
"I need a shower" Chandler said. He didn't know what else to say. He was shocked to find her there.
"You have time for a quick one" Monica told him, and went back to cooking dinner.
Chandler went to take a shower, too shocked to ask what she was doing there. He wasn't sure she was a welcome guest, even though she didn't count as a guest since she was his wife. But he didn't know if he was happy to see her.
Once he got out of the shower he saw that Monica had put out plates and forks and everything else they needed to have dinner, but on the floor in the living room instead of on the kitchen table.
"The table was so messy" she said. "And I didn't know if I was allowed to clean up there either. Seemed like work stuff."
"Yeah..." Chandler said.
"Don't I get a kiss?" she asked.
Chandler absentmindedly kissed her and then looked around in the condo. Something felt different although he couldn't put his finger to what.
"When did you get here? How did you get in?" he asked.
"Around three, the janitor let me in."
"What a secure thing to know, the janitor will let anyone in" Chandler said with a sigh.
"I forced him" Monica said with a smile. "And I convinced him that I really am your wife. Showed him some photos."
Chandler nodded slightly. Monica told him to sit and he did, and she went to get dinner. He took a deep breath and thought it smelled delicious. He hadn't eaten her food in a while now, and he missed it. He usually ate takeout these days.
Monica came back with their food and sat down opposite him. They started to eat, silent at first. Then Chandler spoke.
"Not the most comfortable way to sit while you eat..." he said.
"No I know" Monica said. "But it works."
"Yeah..." Chandler said. "How long are you here?"
"Until tomorrow. Couldn't get more time off work."
"Okay."
"I just didn't want us to be apart on our anniversary and since you said you weren't coming back home..."
"Happy anniversary" Chandler said.
"You too."
"Such a shame though..." he said. "I bought your charm when I was in town for Tony's birthday, so that you would get it on our anniversary and not the next time I come back home. Now you're gonna have to wait until you get back home."
Monica reached over to her purse, which she had put right next to where she was sitting, and fished out a parcel.
"This is the one, right?"
Chandler smiled slightly.
"Yeah, that's the one."
She opened it and found a small helmet made out of steel, attached to a small golden ring. She held it up and then reached her arm over to Chandler. He attached it to her bracelet and then told her what it stood for.
"Steel anniversary" he told her.
"Steel..." Monica said. "Gosh, I long for the days when we're celebrating sapphire anniversaries and things like that." She then smiled slightly.
"Well, only another 34 years and we're there" Chandler said. "But steel isn't so bad either. Lots of married couples barely make it to fruit."
"That was fourth, right?" Monica said. "Well don't think I don't like this charm. It's really nice. I love you."
"Love you too" Chandler mumbled.
"Question though."
"Shoot."
"When we celebrate our gold anniversary, what kind of a charm would that be? Most of these are already in gold."
"Why don't you let me worry about that, 39 years from now?" Chandler asked.
Monica smiled slightly. They continued to eat, saying a few things now and then, and then suddenly the phone rang. Chandler rose and picked up the chordless phone and answered it.
"Chandler Bing... Right, damn, the meeting!"
Monica looked down on her plate. She sighed heavily. If he had a meeting then he would end up going there. And she would be left alone. They had only had an hour together yet, it felt unfair.
"Listen, this is a simple thing, isn't it?" she heard Chandler say on the phone. "Nothing important. You or Justin or both together can handle this alone... I know I said I'd be there... My wife... She showed up today, it's our anniv--... Just tonight... No I didn't know she was coming..."
Monica sighed and decided to clear the floor from the dinner. She rose and went to the kitchen with the plates and started doing the dishes while Chandler continued on the phone. He joined her five minutes later.
"Meeting?" she asked.
"I'm not gonna go" Chandler said. "I'm too late for it anyway."
Monica nodded. Chandler went and got the rest of the things they had left out on the living room floor. He started drying the dishes while asking about the children and how they were doing.
"They're doing fine" Monica said for the eight time in five minutes. "Anthony's gonna start taking singing lessons in August."
"Singing lessons?"
"Yeah. He's got a great singing voice, he should nurture it."
"And was this his idea or yours?" Chandler asked.
"Mine. He's six, he didn't even know they had singing lessons."
"So how do you know he wants to take any?" Chandler asked. "Maybe he doesn't care about 'nurturing his singing voice'. Don't pressure him."
"I'm not!" Monica objected, slightly upset. "I asked him if he was interested and he said yes!"
"Yeah well maybe he only said yes to make you happy."
"And maybe he said yes because he wants to take singing lessons" Monica said. She was quiet for a second. "And speaking of music by the way, Bridget's gonna start taking guitar lessons."
"Not from Phoebe I hope."
"No, at the same place Anthony will take his singing lessons."
"Any other instruments we're gonna have to be buying our kids soon?" Chandler asked.
"Well... Emma talked about the piano..."
"Why can't any of them go with the clarinet?" Chandler asked. "That would be more cost effective. I still have my old clarinet."
"I don't think the piano thing will last..." Monica said.
"I hope not" Chandler said and yawned.
"Tired?" Monica asked.
"I've been up since six."
"So have I, but I slept on the plane, when do you have to be up tomorrow?"
"Six" Chandler said with a yawn.
"Good thing you didn't go to that meeting..." Monica said. "You would have fallen asleep in the middle of everything."
Chandler nodded and dried off the last thing and put it in on a shelf above him. Then he walked into the living room while Monica dried off the counter, and he tried to figure out what was different. The whole place seemed different, but he didn't know what the change was. It wasn't the fact that he wasn't alone, it was something else. Monica came out from the kitchen.
"You know..." she said. "If you're really that tired why don't we just hit the sack? I'm not gonna make you stay up late or anything... unless you want to yourself, of course."
Chandler nodded and rose. He walked with her to the bathroom and they both got ready for bed. It felt strange having her there, he was used to getting ready for bed alone. Sometimes he never even got ready, he just took his clothes off and crawled under the sheets. It was too hot to wear a pyjamas anyway.
They got into bed together and Monica started kissing him. He wanted to sigh and push her away, but he didn't. He didn't feel like he could set everything aside and just sleep with her, but at the moment he didn't feel like he could put up with her hurt face either. So he let her seduce him and sleep with him, and then fell asleep almost instantly afterward.
Monica couldn't sleep for a while. He had seemed so distant the entire evening. She wondered if he was really happy to have her there. She didn't know what was wrong this time. The last time it had been that she had left the children with just one baby-sitter, a young baby-sitter, but this time her parents were watching the children. She didn't understand that he was mad at her for staying in New York. She had gotten past being mad at him for moving, but he hadn't gotten past being mad at her for staying.
The next morning she got up together with him and made him breakfast. She decided to leave the condo at the same time he did, and then go sightseeing or something until her flight would leave at noon. Chandler obediently ate but he didn't say much. She followed him out and he gave her a ride to a nearby museum that was open around the clock, and then he left for work. She got a quick kiss before he left, and a promise that he would come back home over the weekend as soon as he could.
When Chandler got back to the condo that night he realized what had been different the night before. When Monica had been there it had felt like home.

"Mom, do we have to?" Bridget whined.
"Yes" Monica told her.
"But I want to go to camp!" Bridget continued whining. "All my friends are going!"
"Camp will still be there next year."
"But I'll miss out on so much!"
"Too bad."
Bridget sat down on her bed, crossed her arms and sulked. Monica didn't care. She had decided that they were all going to Los Angeles over summer. She had talked to Rachel, who had been more than willing to let them borrow her house, and she had talked to Chandler who had seemed excited about the idea. Luckily enough she only worked three weeks into June and then she was off until the last week of August, and the children were off school too. Right now she was in the middle of packing everything they needed.
"Mommy!" Emma said, appearing in the doorway. "Come help me pack!"
"In a minute honey..."
"No go help her" Bridget said. "I don't need any help."
"Oh yes you do" Monica said. "And I am going to pack everything for you young lady, except for your backpack, because if I don't you'll end up with nothing at all packed."
"Julia's leaving for camp tomorrow..." Bridget said. "I could probably catch a ride with them!"
"It's not the ride that's the problem" Monica said. "You're coming with us to Los Angeles and that's the end of it."
"Why do I have to come? All my friends will be--"
"I don't care where all your friends will be, your family will be in Los Angeles!" Monica said, getting angry. "You haven't seen your dad more than a few times since February. And you're coming with me and the others to spend summer with him, whether you like it or not."
"I do not like it."
"Then too bad" Monica said and finished packing her suitcase. She closed it and brought it downstairs. "Emma? You needed help?"
"Yeah" Emma said. "How many toys can I bring?"
"Not too many" Monica said. "We don't have a lot of room, sweetie. Daddy took all our suitcases when he moved, and I only managed to borrow a few. And you need to bring clothes with you as well."
"Why can't we send moving boxes?"
"Because we're not moving permanently."
"Why couldn't Daddy have taken moving boxes?"
"He didn't move permanently either."
"When does he move back?"
"I don't know honey, in no more than a year."
Emma sighed and went back to her room. Monica took a look at the three suitcases already placed in the hall. They had eight suitcases in total, it would be quite frustrating to keep track of all of them at the airport, especially since she couldn't mark then since they weren't their own.
"Just two more days..." she said with a sigh. "And then we'll be in LA, and I can finally share the whole caretaking of the kids with someone."

"Oh goody" Bridget whined when they arrived at Rachel's beach house in LA. "We're here to be with Dad, and he isn't even here!"
"He's at work, sweetie" Monica sighed, tying not to lose her temper.
"Well that's something new" Bridget sarcastically said.
"You remember which rooms you had the last time, right?" Monica said. "Take a suitcase each up to your room, okay?"
"Where's my room?" Francesca asked.
"We'll find you one sweetie."
"The last time I was here I slept in the bedroom with you and Daddy."
"No" Monica said. "Actually you slept in another room. You can sleep there now too. Come on, I'll show you."
She grabbed two of the suitcases, one that was hers and one that was Francesca's, and walked up the stairs with Francesca in tow.
"The floors have carpet" Francesca said.
"I know" Monica said. "Nice, huh?"
She walked inside the room that she and Chandler would sleep in and found he had already been there the day before, leaving his things. She didn't bother to unpack her own things right now, instead she showed Francesca where she would be sleeping. After that she took care of carrying the rest of the suitcases up and then unpacked everything. Once she was done she took a look at the time and saw that they had another hour before Chandler would be home.
"Mom" Bridget said, in a whining tone. "There's nothing to do here."
"Hold your horses, you've only been here an hour" Monica said. "And you had fun the last time you were here."
"At first, but then you didn't let us play on the beach."
"You can play on the beach, but only under adult supervision."
"Mom!" Bridget whined. "I'm not Emma and I'm not six!"
"No I know... But you still can't go out there playing all on your own."
"Then what am I suppose to do here really?"
"I don't know" Monica said, getting annoyed. "Find something to do with your siblings."
"I could have done that back in New York."
"That's enough. Look it probably won't be long before you've found some friends."
"How am I suppose to do that if I can't leave the house?"
"Bridget!" Monica said sharply. She took a deep breath and wondered if she should count to ten. "Get off my back, Bridget. I'm not gonna keep you locked up in here all summer and you know that. But you're so determined on having a bad time that you're gonna refuse to have fun no matter what we do. If you just for once could stop being such a cranky baby then maybe you'd have a good time!"
Bridget turned on her heel and went to her room, slamming the door. Monica sighed. Now Bridget was even more angry.
"One kid that's in the two-year terrorist phase and one kid that's just plain bull-headed. This vacation ought to be just wonderful..."
Chandler came home an hour later, apparently in a great mood. He seemed really happy to see them, especially the children, and Monica could tell that even Bridget seemed to be in a good mood. Chandler went upstairs and changed his clothes and then took the kids out on the beach while Monica started with dinner. She wondered if this would turn into a scenario where the dad did all the fun with the kids and the mom just did the cooking, the telling off and the nagging. She hoped not. She had had enough of that during the past six months anyway. But she didn't begrudge him any of the time with the children since he hadn't seen them a lot in the past months.

A week later Chandler came in late for work for the first time since he'd moved to Los Angeles. He had been playing out on the beach with Francesca in the early morning and forgotten that he had to go to work. He noticed the staff looking at him oddly, and he thought that was a bit strong. All he'd done was arrive an hour late, and they were staring at him like he was a UFO. And then he remembered, he was suppose to meet his new assistant first thing in the morning.
"Oh man..." he moaned. "Great, the one time I'm late!"
He walked into his office and saw someone sitting in his chair. The chair swung around and a woman in her mid thirties looked up at him with a slightly disapproving face. Chandler realized that she must be his new assistant, he hadn't seen her before but he hadn't hired the assistant either. His former assistant had done that right before she had left for Chicago. She had been younger that this woman, and had looked more professional. This woman had her auburn hair hanging lose down her shoulders and was dressed like she hoped they would have time to stop by at the beach.
"Madge Jennings, I presume" Chandler said, and wondered who could name their kid Madge.
"That would be me" the woman said. "Chandler Bing?"
"The one and only."
"You're late."
"Oh really?" Chandler said. "Well shit happens."
"Nice attitude."
"Nice attitude sitting in my chair."
She rose and walked up to him.
"You were suppose to take me on a tour of the building..." she said. "Only now we don't have time. You have a meeting in fifteen minutes."
"Go to your computer and take the cyber tour" Chandler said.
"Wow, how high-tech" Madge said and laughed.
Chandler shook his head. She left him alone and he sat down to sort through some job applicants before he went on his meeting. He decided to take her out to lunch to hopefully smooth things over in case she was annoyed. He didn't feel like working closely with someone he couldn't get along with and it was better to establish some kind of friendship from start. So right before lunch he walked out of his office and found her sitting by her desk right outside, playing Solitaire.
"Hard at work?" he asked.
"If you can be late, I can play Solitaire."
"I'm your boss, so maybe I say that you can't" Chandler said with a grin. "Anyway, I'm going to lunch and I wanted to ask you if you'd like to tag along."
"Hitting on me on the first day?" Madge said with a raised eyebrow.
Chandler laughed.
"If I was hitting on you, believe me, I would have started by taking my wedding ring off."
"Oh..." she said, noticing the ring on his left ringfinger.
"Actually I was just hoping I could get to know you a bit... I hate working with people I know nada about."
"Sure, fine by me!" Madge said.
"Okay then" Chandler said. "Now I'm gonna go inside my office and make a phone call, meanwhile you can shut down your Solitaire, and we can leave in a couple of minutes."
He went inside and called Monica, telling her he wouldn't be home for lunch and then went to lunch with Madge. It seemed to have been a good idea, once they had bickered a little they started getting along quite well. He didn't realize how well until he went to bed next to Monica that night and couldn't get Madge out of his head.

Chandler sat down behind his desk and tried to clear his head. It wasn't easy in the hot July day, especially since the A/C had broken down earlier that day. He was confused and baffled. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before, and he didn't know what to think of it. He had tried to deny it, but he couldn't. He had thought it was just some superficial attraction but he couldn't deny anymore that he was in love with her. He couldn't believe that it had happened. He had always thought Monica would be the only one for him, and that people who really love each other didn't get crushes or fall in love with other people. But he had been so mad at her for almost half a year now. It was her fault that he had been away from them all during the spring. She had refused to come with him, even though he hadn't had a choice whether or not to move. And he had spent the spring alone in a condo, without her and without the children. And whenever he'd seen her she'd acted as if neither of them had been able to do anything about their temporary separation. He blamed her for their separation and he just got madder when she acted as if it wasn't her fault and as if everything should be just as before when they were together.
'Is that why?' he asked himself. 'Is that why I've allowed myself to fall in love with somebody else? Damn, how the hell should I know... I can't even figure out what I'm feeling, stupid of me to try and figure out why I'm feeling it.'
He took a deep breath and rubbed his temples. He hated this situation. He knew he could never act on his feelings. He didn't even know if Madge felt the same for him, but even if she did he wouldn't be able to be with her. That would mean leaving Monica and breaking up their family for good. And she would no doubt move back to New York, taking the children with her, and he wouldn't get to see them.
Before he could clear his head, the door to his office opened and Madge entered. He kept in a sigh. He didn't want to see her right now, it sure wouldn't help to clear his mind. But it was in the middle of the day and they had to work.
"Hey..." she said and waved a file. "Should we go through this thing now, or later?"
"Which file is that?" he asked.
"Oh, it's that one they sent over from New York..." she said. "You know, the one about the PR firms..."
"Okay."
"So, do we look at it now or later?"
"Now is a good time as any" Chandler said.
"Okay."
She sat down opposite him and they both leaned over the file. He couldn't concentrate, she was so close to him, and he hadn't felt this type of new love for almost fifteen years. And with Monica it had never been this way anyway. There hadn't been the tension, or the same kind of unresolved wish to touch. With Monica it had been almost only physical at first, since neither of them had dared to admit their feelings.
Without knowing how it had happened, Chandler suddenly found himself gently kissing her. He didn't know who had initiated it or why, he just knew it had happened. He stared at Madge who stared right back at him. She started talking and he didn't know what to think of what he was hearing, and he didn't know if he even wanted to hear it. She was telling him that she had feelings for him, and that even though she knew he was married she hadn't been able to keep herself from acting on it.
Chandler swallowed hard. He didn't want to talk. He was afraid of what he might say. Madge gave him a light kiss and then asked him if he was in love with her. Chandler couldn't believe he answered her, but he did, and the second after she heard him say 'yes' she was kissing him again, with her tongue this time. Chandler kissed her back, even though he knew he shouldn't. But he couldn't resist. It was new, and it was exciting, and he had been drawn to her for so long now. He hadn't kissed anyone else than Monica for over a decade and he was overwhelmed with how good it felt to kiss someone else, to experience something new. He pushed Monica out of his head and continued kissing Madge. The song 'Come Along' was playing in the background from his computer radio, and he felt it symbolised what Madge was in his life. A chance to break free and live a different life, to be free from working on a marriage and from living everyday life.
"Yes I'm in love with you..." he whispered when they broke their kiss.

When he got home he thought the house seemed unusually empty. He was glad, seeing Monica or the children would probably make him feel guilty and he didn't want to feel that way. He wanted to keep the feeling he'd had since he and Madge started kissing in his office. They hadn't done more than kiss and confess feelings, but he had his head filled with it and he didn't want to see Monica. Somehow she represented everyday for him and there had been so many problems between them the past year.
He walked outside and heard a noise. He frowned and walked around the corner and found Monica sitting by the Jacuzzi, fully dressed and only with her feet in the pool. She seemed deep in thought. When he saw her the expected sting of guilt came, but he managed to push it aside.
"How come you don't want to touch me?" Monica asked without looking up at him.
The guilt came back to him, as well as slight surprise. He hadn't expected her to know he was there. But apparently she'd heard him coming.
"What?" he asked.
"How come you don't want to touch me?" Monica repeated. "You never touch me anymore. I get a loose hug and a kiss on the cheek at best. You never want to hold me at night, or even as much as touch me. And let's not even talk about sex..."
"You haven't exactly been touching me a lot either" Chandler replied.
"It's hard to be affectionate with someone who clearly doesn't want you to be" Monica said.
Chandler wished she would just be quiet. He was fighting his conscience and losing. He felt terribly guilty and each word she said it got worse. And at the same time he was still mad at her, and he was trying his best to focus on the anger instead of his guilt. He wasn't doing a very good job.
"Chandler I... I don't know what you want from me" Monica said. "Clearly you're angry, but I don't know what you're mad about. It can't still be that I didn't leave New York. I would have lost my job Chandler and I am sick of being a housewife. And it would have been hard for the kids. I mean, Bridget's taking it hard enough just having to be here over summer! Moving here, it just wouldn't work."
"Your point?" Chandler asked.
"My point is... I don't know what to do anymore. You don't want to have sex, that's fine. But when you don't even want to touch me then we have a problem. I'm your wife, putting an arm around me won't kill you."
"Where are the children?" Chandler asked, desperate to get away from the conversation as soon as possible.
"Upstairs" Monica whispered, not bothering to hide how hurt she was that he refused to talk to her.
Chandler turned and left. He had to get away from there before she started talking about the children she believed had been conceived in that pool. Monica hadn't looked at him once during their short conversation but she hadn't needed to. The tone of her voice had been enough and if he had had to look into her eyes he wouldn't have been able to handle it. And he was scared that she would look at him and know.

Chandler yawned big. It was early, an hour earlier than he usually went to work, but he had wanted some alone time to think things through, without Monica or Madge being around. He yawned again and rubbed his eyes. "What have I gotten myself into..." he mumbled. "Chandler are you sure this is even for real? Think, stupid, think... You're married to Monica, you love Monica, and you've only known Madge for a few weeks. Men who love their wives don't fall in love with other women in that short amount of time." He didn't even know for sure how it all had started. He had just thought of her as a pretty woman the first couple of days, but then it had somehow just been something more. She had flirted a lot with him, he had flirted back, but he had flirted with other women before and it had just been part of some social game he played. Monica never minded him flirting, especially not since she loved to flirt herself. But something had been different this time around. He had started to get to know her, and he had been fascinated by how different she was from Monica. She was more like Kathy had been, and she had made Chandler think about things that had been ten years earlier. He had thought back on those things before, but this time it had been different. He felt younger around Madge, and he hated himself for it, mostly because it was such a cliché. "I can't believe I always thought I was so strong when it came to resisting temptations" he muttered. "That if an attractive woman came on to me I wouldn't be affected. Turns out I was about as wrong as I could be. Oh why can't I get her out of my head? Because that's my biggest problem right now. I just can't get her out of my head." He shuddered slightly. It was almost scary. He could get Monica out of his head without any problems, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop thinking of Madge. He wished she hadn't flirted with him, it would have been a lot easier if she had just been uninterested. But instead she had been coming on to him discreetly and he had fallen without knowing what had happened. 'Have Monica and I really been apart for that long?' he wondered. 'Is that how faithful I am to her? The mother of my children? That all it takes is for a gorgeous woman to flirt with me to make me go all nutsy? Here follows the typical schoolboy cliché. Monica never made me feel like that... And does Madge have a point about how much I love my wife when I'm claiming to be in love with somebody else?'

That afternoon Chandler felt even more guilty when he walked up to the house. He and Madge had spent the afternoon in his office, making out, and he had been able to shut the thoughts of Monica out from his head. But then Madge had started talking, and by now he was so wrecked with guilt and questions that he didn't know what to think. Yesterday there hadn't been a doubt in his mind that he would stay with Monica, but today he wasn't as sure. And if Monica found out he wouldn't even have a choice to begin with. She would leave. At least he thought she would. He knew how loyal she was and there was a chance she would stay with him, but their marriage would never be the same. He was trying to figure out what he should do. Should he stay or should he go? His problem was that it would be really hard ending things with Madge even though they hadn't really gotten anywhere, and he didn't know how he would be able to go to work with her every day.
That night he had dreamed the nightmare about the shipwreck again, and much more vividly than the past times. He had been having the dream at least once a month for the past six months and it always ended at the same place, right before he got to see the face of the person who rescued him. He had often thought about talking to Phoebe about it but he hadn't gotten the chance.
He took a deep breath and walked inside. Monica looked up at him from her place on the living room couch, gave him a slight smile and then turned her attention back to the magazine he was reading. And suddenly he just knew. He couldn't leave her. He was out of his mind. He somehow knew that this thing with Madge wasn't what he thought it was. It was physical attraction combined with his frustration with Monica and being apart from her for so long, and feelings pushed over from one woman to the other.
He took a good look at Monica and he knew he loved her very much. Much more than what he felt for Madge. He had promised Monica his future and he was going to give it to her. She had been apart from him during spring and he had blamed her for it, but she was there now and he felt she was right. It was no use being mad at her still. And they were just wasting their time together, since they would have to spend fall apart too. No wonder she was so upset. And by now it was just as much his fault as hers that there was a gap between them, since he hadn't forgiven her for not coming with him even though she had tried her best to make him do so.
"Oh Monica..." he said.
She looked up with a slightly confused look on her face.
"Babe... Honey I'm sorry."
"For what?" she asked with a resigned sigh.
"For what we talked about yesterday. For everything else."
"You know something Chandler?" Monica said. "For once I won't just take your sorry and let it be okay at that. You've ignored me these past months, treated me like I've been a leper, you've not even acted as if you've missed me! And to tell you the truth, I don't even think you have."
"Oh I've missed you..." Chandler said. "I just haven't been willing to admit it to myself."
"Oh and why is that?" Monica asked, getting angry. "You don't want to miss your wife. Good to know."
"I... I don't know what to say" Chandler said. "But I've been so angry with you. You broke up the family."
"I didn't" Monica angrily said.
"In my eyes you did."
"I cannot believe you" Monica said and rose. She headed for the door but stopped when Chandler called her name.
"I'm sorry" he added. "Look, I'm asking you to forgive me here. I didn't forgive you, I know, but I'm asking you anyway..."
"Look Chandler..." Monica said and walked back to the couch. "You have got to stop this. You have got to stop this silence! How the hell am I suppose to know what you think and feel if you don't tell me?"
"I've been a jerk... And I know it" Chandler said. "But trust me Monica, I have missed you. And that's why I've acted the way I have. I haven't wanted to admit to myself how much I've missed you, for silly reasons, but they haven't seemed so silly to me until I've thought about them! But there is one thing I have realized that hasn't been silly. And that is how much it would hurt me to lose you for good. We have to stay together Mon. Things might get hard, or stale or even sad between us but at the end of the day I still need you. And honestly, I can't think of anything so serious that it would make me want to leave you."
"Chandler that's not true" Monica calmly stated. "It was just a year ago that you nearly left, remember?"
"But I didn't. Not when you made me realize that if I walked out it would be the end. We've wasted so much time together this summer, I have wasted time, and we're going to be apart this fall so can't we just make the most of this?"
"Of this? Summer?"
"Of this time together. I'm going through some... stuff... some issues... But knowing that you and I are okay would really help me out."
"What stuff and what issues?" Monica asked.
"I can't really tell you" Chandler said. "Please understand."
"Well as long as you're not taking a lover..." Monica said and went back to her magazine. Chandler swallowed hard.
"So we're okay then?" he asked.
"We can only be okay if you're over this weird thing you've been going through" Monica said. "If you can't touch or kiss me then we're not okay."
Chandler wanted to go over to her, sit down with her and kiss her. But he was afraid to. It felt sinful to kiss her when he had been kissing someone else that day. But at the same time he didn't want Monica to think there was anything wrong. He took a step towards her and then suddenly wondered if she'd be able to tell he had kissed someone else, from the way he tasted or something else like that. He told her he'd be right back and went into the kitchen, where he found a beer and forced himself to drink most of it. Then he came back to the living room and sat down with her. He reached out and gently grabbed her chin, turning her head towards him. Then he kissed her lovingly.
"We okay now?" he asked when they'd broken the kiss.
"I think so" she answered.

"Hey boss" Madge said with a grin the next day.
"You know how 'we need to talk' always means bad news?" Chandler said.
"Yeah?"
"Well bad news... we need to talk."
"What about?" Madge asked.
"Come inside my office."
She followed him inside and wondered what was up. He seemed quite uncomfortable and closed the door behind them with a sigh.
"Chandler... What's wrong?" she asked.
"This, us!" Chandler said. "You know, I... I... I like you. I really do. And I'm in love with you. But I'm also in love with my wife. I love her very much. And I just can't do this to her."
"Chandler no offence..." Madge said. "But I don't think you do love her all that much."
"Excuse me?"
"Look..." Madge said and sat down on his desk. "I'm not saying I know anything about your marriage, or your wife. But if you really love a person you don't fall in love with other people."
"You can" Chandler said. "Trust me, I know."
"Chandler don't you realize how that sounds? You love your wife very much yet you're in love with me?"
"Yes. I am" Chandler said. "Listen, I don't know how to explain it, I never wanted to fall in love with you! But I did, and I can't deny that. And I cant' deny that I still love my wife."
Madge rolled her eyes. She could imagine what kind of wife he had. A bored housewife who rarely got out of the house, a woman who was completely unaware of her husband's work relationship. The type of woman who's husband could have more lovers than Julio Iglesias and she wouldn't notice. She couldn't figure out what Chandler saw in his wife.
"Chandler listen to me..." she said. "Granted, I don't know your wife and your relationship to her. But my guess? You're used to her. She's been there for what, ten years? Love burns out sooner or later, in this case it happened sooner, and you just don't want to realize it because you really used to love her."
"No that's not the case... Look Madge. This is ridiculous. You and me, I mean... it's the exact opposite of meant to be."
"How do you know?"
"I just know" Chandler said. "I mean, god, if you knew what I feel for Monica..."
"That's your wife's name?"
"Yeah. I mean, she and I have had a rough ride for a while, but--"
"A rough ride and you ended up with me" Madge interrupted.
"Stop that!" Chandler said.
"What, I'm just telling you the truth... How devoted are you if you end up with somebody else in the middle of everything?"
"This is not physical!"
"Exactly my point! You actually went and got a crush on somebody."
"Doesn't this whole thing seem embarrassing to you?" Chandler asked. "Here I am, trying to explain that we made a mistake, and you're acting this way."
"Because I like you. Very much."
"And I like you, but there's also this other woman that I like. My wife, remember?"
"A promise is just a promise" Madge said. "And a vow is just a vow. Would you be willing to spend the rest of your life with her if, if, I was the one you wanted? Or some other woman?"
"Yes" Chandler said. "We have four children together, I'd stay for them. But that's not what this is about right now. I deeply love my wife."
"Then why are you doing this to her? What do you think she would say if she found out you were in love with your assistant?"
"She'd be devastated" Chandler said.
"And yet you're here with me. Chandler would you honestly have done this if you'd loved her as much as you--"
"Stop it!" Chandler angrily cut her off. "Just stop it Madge. I do love her! But there's a long, complicated backstory to all of this, a quite private one at that, and I can't tell you enough to make you understand. But Monica is my wife and I love her. And I will not hurt her feelings, I just won't."
"But you can hurt mine?"
"Technically you and I as an 'item' has only existed for two days. Mon and I have been together for close to fifteen years. It would hurt her so much more if she and I split up than it would hurt you if you and I ended right here right now."
"You're scared" Madge said. "I know you are. It's up to you whether or not you want to continue being afraid."
She jumped off his desk and left the room. Chandler sighed deeply.

Madge rung the doorbell and waited. In her hand she had some paperwork Chandler was suppose to go through, that she had deliberately forgotten to give him the day before. Today was his day off, and she knew he was out sailing with some friend from New York who had traded boats for a month with someone in Los Angeles, to be able to sail on the other coast. Madge wasn't planning on talking to Chandler today. She wanted to see what his wife was like. It had been two weeks since she and Chandler had kissed, and since he had told her they couldn't be together. But it still seemed they were. They talked about it every day at the office, and finally Madge had decided to go check on her 'competition'. She had a pretty clear idea of what kind of woman this Monica was, but she wanted to see for herself.
Monica opened the door.
"Hello?"
"Hi..." Madge said. She reached out her hand. "I'm Madge Jennings, I'm here to see Chandler Bing."
"You are?" Monica said. "Well unfortunately he's out."
"Oh" Madge said. "Such a shame... I have some paperwork here that he forgot yesterday and it's important that he gets it. Maybe I could leave it with his wife?"
"Sure" Monica said. "You can leave them to me, I'll see to that he gets them."
"You're Mrs. Bing?"
"Yeah but you can call me Monica" Monica said and smiled.
Madge resisted the temptation to raise her eyebrows. Chandler's wife was a lot prettier than she had thought, and seemed to be more easygoing. She would like to know if she was as oblivious as she had predicted or not, but she didn't know how to find out without striking up weird subjects.
"You want to come in for a sec?" Monica asked. "You look like you could use a glass of water."
"I won't say no to that" Madge said and followed Monica inside and into the kitchen with a smile. Now she might be able to find out.
She looked at the two children sitting by the kitchen table with drawing books. One was a girl at around eight years old, who had short dark hair and looked very much like Chandler. The other was a boy who looked a couple of years younger, who had the same hair colour as his sister but looked more like his mother. She knew Chandler had one son and three daughters, but that was all she knew about his children. She immediately liked the little girl who looked like her dad.
"Too bad Chandler went out sailing" Monica said while getting Madge a glass of water. "He mostly stays around the house when he has time off, but a friend of ours is in town today, and he has a sailing boat. Well, sort of. And Chandler went out together with our oldest daughter..."
Madge smiled politely and took the glass of water offered.
"He doesn't seem to have much time off" she said and had some water. "Seems like he's always at work to me."
"Yeah, that makes two of us..." Monica said.
"You seem awfully secure" Madge said. "Most women I know would be raving about infidelity if their husband was away that much. They'd talk about how nobody can work that much..."
"I trust him" Monica said. "And if I trust him enough to let him stay here alone for months, without me being able to know where he is all the time, then I don't see why I shouldn't trust him now that I'm in LA. I don't believe that he would cheat on me, although honest to god I'm not sure if I would be able to tell whether or not he was, if he actually was having an affair."
"Mamma I'm hungry" a little girl, around two-and-a-half years old, said, entering the kitchen. "Can I have a cookie?"
"No you can't" Monica said and lifted her up. "You can have a fruit."
"I don't want fruit Mamma, I want cookie."
"I bet you do" Monica said.
"So can I have one?"
"No."
"Is this your youngest child?" Madge asked, wondering if they had an infant too.
"Yeah" Monica said with a distant tone in her voice. Francesca wasn't the last one born but she was the youngest one alive.
"I'm Francesca" Francesca said, having great trouble saying her whole first name.
"Hi Francesca" Madge said. "I'm Madge."
"Madge? That's an ugly name" Francesca said.
"Francesca!" Monica said, shocked at the comment. She turned to Madge. "Really sorry. Two year-old terror stage. Francesca say you're sorry."
"Sorry" Francesca said. "Now can I have a cookie?"
"You can have an apple, nothing else" Monica said and put her down.
"How about ice-cream?"
"How about no?"
Madge eyed Chandler's wife and youngest child and felt lucky that she'd never had any children of her own. She didn't dislike children, but she preferred the ones who were at least six or seven. This child was a bit too young for her. She remembered something her step-mother had said, that she had always thought was just a joke. She had told her to go out and marry a man with children, because that way she'd get children without having to give birth to them. Madge still didn't take the comment seriously, especially since adoption would be a much more simple option than to marry a man with children, but right now she could see a point in the comment.

"Hey Chandler can I ask you something?" Joey asked.
"Sure" Chandler said.
They were out sailing, together with Joey's wife, son and Bridget. Chandler had been more than happy to go out with Joey and his family, since he hadn't hung out with his friend in so long. Bridget had wanted to come along and he had let her, since he knew she was grumpy and bored around the house.
"You and Monica..." Joey said. "Is everything okay?"
"Now, yeah" Chandler said. "Although we've had some rough times."
"Because I was thinking... The way you've acted, especially around her, today and yesterday..."
"Yeah?"
"I recognize it. It's the... the guilt when you're... two-timing."
"Excuse me?" Chandler said.
"Sorry!" Joey said. "I'm not saying you are, I'm saying you're acting like you are."
"Two-timing her?"
"Yeah."
"God you're good..." Chandler said with a sigh. "But I can assure you Joey, you're wrong about this. The last time I had sex with a woman that wasn't Monica Geller Bing was in 1998, and her name was Janice."
"So you're not sleeping with another woman?"
"Of course I'm not!" Chandler said.
Joey was quiet for a second.
"There's something going on though. Are you interested in another woman?"
"Don't be ridiculous Joey" Chandler said, a little too fast.
"So you are interested in someone else?"
"No" Chandler lied.
"Well..." Joey said. "I don't know whether or not to believe you, I want to believe you but somehow I get the feeling that you're lying to me... and to Monica."
Chandler looked the other way. He didn't want to admit to anyone that he had feelings for somebody else.
"Look..." Joey said. "Can I give you a piece of advice? As long as you really love Mon, and you know she's the one you want, then a crush on someone else isn't that terrible. Everyone needs a break every once in a while, and for something new to happen. And a harmless crush might even be good for the both of you, it might open your eyes to what you feel for your wife and make you appreciate her more. Just remember to be careful, so that you don't hurt Monica's feelings."
Chandler sighed deeply. What he wanted wasn't to have his feelings for another woman justified, he wanted an explanation for what he was feeling and why he was feeling it.
"Chandler?" Joey said. "Look, I'm not gonna pressure you... or force you to tell me if you really do have feelings for someone else, which I think you do, since you seem too guilty for it to be anything else. But you know you have a good life and a good wife. Just think of why you married her... that always helps me when Clara and I fight."
"You want me to think about wanting to be brothers-in-law with Ross?" Chandler lamely joked.
"You've lost your touch man..." Joey said and shook his head. "Now go have a beer and behave like a man."
"Beer out on the ocean?" Chandler said. "Joey you've talked a whole lot about Monica the past two minutes, so don't tell me you can't figure out what she'll do to me if I come home from an afternoon at sea with our daughter, smelling like beer..."
"Why would she mind that?" Joey asked.
Chandler sighed. He had forgotten how stupid Joey could be sometimes.
"Sea safety and alcohol... Not a good mix. And you know Monica, one beer and she'll freak out, thinking I'm drunk."
"Yeah, that sounds like Monica all right..." Joey said. "Although not on dry land. Just promise think about what I've said Chandler. Okay?"

"I hate these parties" Chandler said with a sigh.
"You're throwing it" Monica reminded him.
"A perfectly good reason for me to hate it" Chandler said. "I hate dressing up, I hate having to smile an entire evening... All because a new part of the building is opened."
Monica smiled and looked around. They were in the ballroom hall of a new fancy hotel, where Chandler's company were having a party to celebrate the opening of the new floor of the building. Monica had tricked Joey and Clara into staying an extra week, and therefor being available for baby-sitting tonight, but Chandler wasn't very thankful. He would have loved any excuse to stay at home in front of the TV, watching reruns of 'the X-Files'.
"At least I have something pretty to look at" he said and put an arm on Monica's shoulder.
She smiled at him, appreciating the comment. She had taken her time getting ready, since she hadn't gotten the chance to go to any fancy parties in ages, and she knew her forest green dress and her emerald earrings suited her. Clara had helped her get ready, assisted by Emma and Bridget, and Monica had had more fun than she remembered it being to get ready for parties.
They sat down for dinner, and Monica could feel something was wrong with Chandler. He seemed very uncomfortable and she didn't know why. He didn't have any bosses to fake laugh for and as far as she knew he didn't have any assignments along the lines of proposing a toast to pull off during dinner. She felt distanced from him when she didn't know what he was thinking and couldn't even guess. She hated being reminded of the gap between them that still seemed to be there. She didn't know what caused it to still be there and she didn't know how to overcome it.
Chandler on the other hand knew what the gap was about, and he also did his best to make sure she wouldn't find out. He seemed almost as unable to break it off with Madge as he had been with Janice, and he felt it was ridiculous. He and Janice had at least had some kind of real relationship while all he and Madge had was a few kisses and some words of love. The hard part was that he had feelings for her, which he hadn't had for Janice. He knew that as long as he was in some way involved with her, the gap between Monica and him would remain. And he owed Monica more than that, he owed her his full attention and devotion.
But being in the same room as both Monica and Madge, being able to see both of them at the same time as they sat down for dinner, made it hard for him. Somehow he felt like he was treating Madge badly if he cared completely about Monica. He didn't want her to think that he was the kind of guy who would flirt around with her and then devote himself to his wife whenever the wife was around.
As the dinner went on he could tell Monica was affected by his uncomfortable behaviour. He didn't think anyone else would be able to notice it, but Monica could, and she was starting to act uncomfortable herself. Her dazzling smile faded somewhat and her interested face whenever one of his co-workers talked to her seemed less genuine. But he knew he was the only one there who noticed it, everybody else still thought she was as charming and interested as when the meal started. Chandler got a few looks from Madge during the dinner, and that made him even more uncomfortable.
When the dinner was finally over he rose and told Monica he would go get them a drink each. When he returned with his gin and tonic and her scotch on the rocks with a twist, she wasn't at the table. He frowned slightly in confusion.
"Lose the Mrs there, Bing?" one of his co-workers asked with a laugh.
"Yes, so it seems" Chandler said. "And it had to be tonight, when I left all my tracking devices at home."
The co-worker laughed at the joke, that had sounded lame in Chandler's own ears, and told him that Monica had stepped out on the balcony. Chandler thought the words 'stepped out on' sounded like something out of a novel from the early 20th century but went to find her on one of the balconies.
"There you are" he said when he found her, on the third balcony he checked.
"Here I am" she said.
She was looking out over the harbour in front of her, with a distant look on her face. It was warm out even though the sky was pitch black without any stars, but he somehow thought she looked cold. He walked up to her and put her drink down on the rail, complete with a coaster.
"Got your drink" he said.
"How come it always has to be so hard for us?" she calmly said, not bothering about the drink.
"I've asked myself the same question" Chandler said, putting his glass down next to hers on the rail.
"I mean... We're best friends, aren't we Chandler? At least we used to be."
"And we still are" Chandler said. "Only now things have changed... We're not just living for each other only, we're living for four kids as well."
"Yeah, but..." Monica said. "Bridget was born before our first anniversary, our cotton anniversary."
Chandler smiled slightly that she remembered that the first anniversary was cotton.
"We've had children in our marriage more or less from start. And the trouble hasn't begun until just recently."
"We've just started with this whole new thing, that we keep things to ourselves and don't talk to each other" Chandler said. "Remember when Emma was a baby? And how we used to fight about stuff? And how we worked things out and decided we were going to talk to each other. Somewhere along the road we've stopped talking when things have gotten rough. And one of us always points it out when we're starting to solve our problems."
"I guess that means that we're starting to solve things then, since we're talking about us not talking" Monica said.
"I don't want to have to talk about that anymore" Chandler said. "We should just be talking straight away and then let that be it. If I had told you right away how angry I was with you for staying in NYC, then we wouldn't have ended up like we have this summer."
"I think what happened a year ago changed things for us" Monica said. "Lots of marriages fail when a child dies, and two of ours died. We were going through a really rough time and I think we needed a break from each other and from talking to each other about everything. And I think we just haven't found our way back to when we talk."
"I don't want things to have to be so hard" Chandler said. "But there's something I know for sure. No rainbow without rain. I've decided that I don't want a marriage that runs smoothly and where no problems arise. Our marriage would still be where it was when Bridget was little if that were the case, we wouldn't have developed. In the end it feels like we've gained something with every fight. If not else we've gained a deeper understanding for one another. Every ordeal has brought on something good, and it feels like our fights have helped us mature."
"Maybe" Monica said. "But right now it feels as if it's just been two really hard years, and I want it all to end! I want to be happy again, to just be with you and the kids and live life without problems for a while."
"And that's what you'll get, once I move back home to New York" Chandler said. "Just another six months, sweetie."
"You have to promise me not to keep so many things to yourself, especially things that keeps a physical distance between us, because it's very hurtful when you won't touch me or sleep with me and I don't know why."
"I know. And I'm sorry."
She grabbed her drink and took a few sips. Neither of them felt as if their conversation had achieved anything even though lots of things had been said. There was still something missing, and only Chandler knew what it was. He knew he had to 'get rid of' Madge, sooner much rather than later, but he was having difficulties. He didn't know why. But he had never broken up with women well and now it had been more than a decade since he'd had practice.
"I'll see you back inside" Chandler said and took his own drink.
She nodded and he left her alone. Back inside he ran into Madge, and he held back a sigh. He didn't want to talk to her right then. But she insisted, and before he knew it he was in the middle of a discussion with her about the same thing they always discussed, only they kept their voices down.
"Madge, this is not the time or place!" Chandler said in a hushed tone after a while, when he saw Monica coming back in from the balcony.
"I don't think so either but I've got to know where I stand!" Madge said.
"Madge you know where you stand" Chandler said in frustration. "There's no way I'm leaving Monica. I don't know why you're acting this way."
"Because I've fallen in love with you!" Madge said. "And I won't give up until I have what I want, I never have been one to give up and I never will be."
"I'm not yours to win" Chandler said. "I belong to Monica, in sickness and in health and through good times and in bad. We're on our way to work all our problems out Madge. If you really felt for me you would back off."
"How so?"
"Because I will never leave my wife. I will never leave her or our four children. So you might as well just let me go. And make it easier for me to get what I want and to work things out with my wife and save my family."
"And what about me?" Madge said, for the first time sounding vulnerable. "Did you ever care about what I want?"
"Yes" Chandler said.
"You should never have said you loved me" Madge said. "Not when there was no intention on your part to break it off with your wife and be with me. You're trying to play the decent-guy role but it's not working. You haven't treated me good at all, Chandler Bing."
"I haven't treated anyone good lately" Chandler said. "Least of all you and Monica. But you could never have expected me to give up everything and sacrifice my whole life just to be with you. It's just as much your fault as mine for going after a man you knew you would never have. Because deep down inside you knew from the start, no matter what you've been saying about how strong my feelings for Monica can really be."
She didn't say anything and the song in the background ended, Johnny Logan's "Hold Me Now" starting to play instead. Chandler glanced over at Monica, sitting on a chair in the other end of the room. He knew what he wanted. He wanted her. She was real to him and the whole thing with Madge had never been. He knew he had some reason for his brief fling with her but until he figured that reason out Monica wouldn't get to know anything about it. The song playing and the sight of her made him feel even stronger that he wanted her for the rest of his life, and a sentimental feeling filled him when Logan's voice began to sing the lyrics he had known by heart a decade ago but had now forgotten.
"You know..." he said to Madge. "I think I'm going to go ask my wife to dance."
"Farewell" she said when he walked away from her.
He lifted his hand in a small wave, as if saying goodbye to her too. He walked up to Monica and reached her just as the second part of the first verse started to play. He smiled at her and she looked up at him from the chair he was sitting on.
"Would the lady care to grant me this dance?" he asked.
"Why certainly" Monica said, although almost slightly hesitantly.
He reached out his hand to her and she took it, letting him gently help pull her to her feet. He led her across the floor to the dancefloor. He gently put his arms around her and she leaned her head against his shoulder as the chorus started to play. They hadn't danced in what seemed like forever, and she had forgotten how much she loved dancing with him.
"Forever in love..." he whispered with the background choir.
Monica smiled slightly.
"Forever in love" she whispered too, the second time the choir sang the line.
They were silent for a minute, and Monica realized that the gap between them seemed to be gone now. She didn't know how or when it had happened but it wasn't there anymore. She felt hopeful, for the first time since they had arrived in Los Angeles she actually felt like things could be okay between them again. And that they could last the fall without seeing each other too often, and still avoid the hurt and anger they'd had during the spring.
She was happy she would be able to look forward to his trips back home during the fall, since during spring she hadn't dared to be too happy about them. She hadn't dared to set herself up too much. But now she smiled, thinking about how great it would be each time he came back home, even though she knew only the nights would be hers with him. The days would be devoted to the kids as well as the evenings, when he would take one of them out to toss a baseball or help ride a bike. But the nights would be all hers, just the two of them together.
"I love this song" Chandler said, breaking the silence. "You know, this guy Logan... A number of his songs have a special meaning to me."
"Oh yeah?" Monica said.
"Yeah, when... When Richard had proposed to you, remember that I went to his apartment to look for you and to yell at him?"
"I still can't believe you did that" Monica said with a smile.
"Well in the cab on my way back to our apartment, the radio was on and this song was playing... And I was just so scared that this song would be my own feelings the next time I saw you. Because honestly, no matter how much I love you I would have let you go if you rather wanted somebody else than me. I wasn't going to let someone else interfere in our relationship like Richard did, but if you wanted some other man I would let you go no matter how much it would hurt me. And 'Hold Me Now' is about a guy who lets the woman he loves go because she wants another man. She loves the first guy, but she loves the other guy more."
"There was never a doubt in my mind that I loved you more than Richard" Monica said.
"There's another song by Logan, called 'What's Another Year'" Chandler said. "And I got to thinking of it when 'Hold Me Now' had finished playing on the cab radio. I might point out that I was getting sentimental, but I couldn't help but think that that song would also be describing my situations and my feelings if I lost you, only it would be my feelings and situations a few years later."
"So if I had left you, it would have been Johnny Logan galore" Monica stated with a slight giggle. "Sorry, I didn't mean to giggle, it's just that I thought Logan fitted into the category of what you've always called Butter Singers."
"Maybe he does" Chandler said. "But some of his songs do speak to me..." He gave a short laugh as 'Hold Me Now' finished playing. "That night, when we were resting together after we'd finally consummated our engagement--"
"Let me guess" Monica said and led him back to where she had been sitting. "A Johnny Logan song came into your head."
"Yeah, actually" Chandler said.
"Which one was it?" Monica asked and sat down.
"'Why me'" Chandler said.
"I don't think I've heard that one" Monica said. "But it doesn't sound too positive."
"It is actually" Chandler said. "And it totally speaks to me. It's basically about a guy who looks at the wonderful woman his with and asks himself why him, why he is so lucky to be loved by her. And that is something I've often wondered. Why out of all the men in this world did I end up being the lucky one?"
"Because I love you, silly" Monica said and kissed him on the cheek. "And to hell with all the other men out there."

That night they went to bed and Chandler spooned her while they started talking. They talked for a long while about some of the things they had been feeling during the past couple of months and they worked most of it out. Monica talked a lot about the hurt she had been feeling that he hadn't wanted to touch her.
"You want to hear the honest truth?" Chandler said after a long while.
"That's all I ever want to hear from you."
"I feel really stupid saying it... and you have to swear you won't get mad."
"I won't get mad. Now tell me, what is the truth here?"
"The truth is that I've wanted so badly to be mad at you, probably because blaming you was easier and it didn't make me feel as... lonely I guess. Because I have been more lonely than you can ever imagine, living alone in that condo. And I knew that if I touched you and kissed you and made love to you that anger would go away. I wouldn't be able to be mad at you. So I kept my distance to you."
"Silly you" Monica said. "I always want you to want to touch me."
"I always want to... but sometimes I don't want to want to."
"Can I confess something?" Monica asked.
"Sure."
"Sometimes... when our marriage is like it has been recently... I almost hate it."
He turned her head around to face him and kissed her. She kissed him back and they started kissing more and more. Monica turned around and pressed herself up against him, kissing him with all of her lust and longing. He gently pushed her on her back and leaned himself over her, kissing her deeply and lovingly.
"And it's at times like these..." she said when their lips parted, "that I love our marriage. And how easily it gets back on track once we've taken the first steps."
"People always say that home is where the heart is, but it's not like that for me" Chandler said. "Home is where my wife is. My heart is in New York, but you are here now, and this is where my home is as long as you're here."
They kissed again, and Chandler thought about how one thing he'd thought earlier was wrong. He had thought that it was wonderful to kiss Madge, since it was something new, and he was tired of having no changes in his romantic life. But he realized now that he liked Monica's kisses better. They weren't new and they weren't something to explore, but they were good and they were familiar. It was something that had been there during the happiest time of his life and it was something he wanted to be there.
"I have missed you so much" he mumbled in her hair.
"I hope you'll always miss me when I'm not there" Monica said.
"I will."
They kissed again, and kept kissing for a long time. They had sex, and afterward they kept kissing. When Monica finally drifted off to sleep Chandler was exhausted. But he didn't mind. He was just happy that everything was the way it should be again.

Chandler was back at his shipwreck that night. The storm was a bit wilder that time than it usually was, and the flames from the ship were lighting up the sky. Somehow it was a combination of a clear night and a storm, but it was a dream, he knew it didn't have to be logic. After he'd lost sight of Emma again, he felt himself get lifted up in the air and onboard a smaller boat. He turned to see the who had pulled him out, as he always did, but this time he didn't wake up. He got a good look at Monica before he woke from his dream.
When he woke up from the dream he for the first time didn't think of it as a nightmare. He turned his head to look at Monica sleeping right next to him and he smiled.
"I should have known it was you..." he whispered.
Meanwhile, Monica wasn't sleeping very well. She also had a nightmare where she was in the middle of the storm, in the middle of the ocean. There was a wooden ship sinking in her sight and she realized she had been on it. She was alone, she couldn't see Chandler, the children, her friends or anyone else she knew. She tried to keep floating but it was hard in the hard waves. And even though it was night and a storm, she could somehow see clearly everything around her. Suddenly she felt herself being pushed under the surface and held down by a pair of hands. Under the water she opened her eyes and managed to look up at the face that belonged to the hands, and even though she was under water and the other face was above, she could see it clearly. It looked like the redheaded woman that had brought over some files for Chandler once.
She woke up panting, and with a feeling of disorientation. She looked up at Chandler, who had his arms around her and was looking down on her. She was glad he was there.
"It's okay..." he said and gently kissed her.
She wanted to say that she had had a nightmare but she couldn't get a word out. It was scary, it was almost as if she couldn't breathe. But Chandler seemed to know she'd had a nightmare, she had probably woken him, and he gently stroke her face.
"You don't have to worry Mon..." he said gently. "It's over now. Our ship's not sinking anymore."
For a second she wondered how he had known she had dreamed of a shipwreck, and wondered if maybe she had talked in her sleep. Then she realized he was speaking metaphorically about their marriage. She put her arms around him too and went back to sleep almost immediately.

She stared at the letter with a look of disgust on her face. She couldn't believe what she had read and she didn't want to go on reading anymore. She put the letter aside and got up from the chair she was sitting on. She walked over to the bed and lay down. For the past two years she had been sleeping in that bed, about eighteen of those months he had been sleeping there too. And before that she had been sharing his bed for five decades. And she had never known.
She was angry. At herself for not realizing, at him for not telling her, and at the other woman for even existing. She had always thought she was so secure in her marriage, that no matter what happened they'd still at least be faithful to one another. And to find out now that she had been wrong was a hard blow.
"Marriage built on trust and friendship" she muttered. "So much for that."
She didn't know why he had done what he had done forty years ago and she didn't care at the moment either. If she had continued reading his letter she would have found out the conclusions he had drawn over the years, but at the moment nothing could make her continue reading. It had been hurtful enough to read already.
"Chandler Bing I don't know which is worse..." she mumbled. "The fact that you were in love with somebody else or that you didn't tell me. I have spent larger parts of my life believing that you love me, and me alone. Maybe you did, but only for a decade."
It didn't occur to her that Chandler had fallen out of love with this woman at some point. In her mind he was still in love with the other woman on the day he died and she couldn't forgive him for it.
She looked over at the photo again.
"You said you were mine. You said I was the only one. It's worse knowing you said it and lied than it would have been knowing that there was somebody else. I could at least have dealt with that."
Earlier that day she had been a grieving widow who had only been able to think about how hard and lonely her life would be now that the person she loved the most was gone. And now she was trying to decide whether to hate her dead husband or just dislike him. She was so confused after his death, and finding something like this out didn't help make her mind much clearer. She didn't know it herself, but hating him made it easier for her to cope with the loss, since she wouldn't have to feel like she lost as much. But she could never honestly hate him, at least not completely. She had loved him for too long to be able to replace all her love with hate.
"I wish I was the dead one..." she whispered. "I wish I was dead and didn't have to put up with this pain. I wish he was the one left behind, and I wish he would be so wrecked with guilt that he didn't want to live any longer. Then he would know how I feel, even though I don't feel guilty. It's not fair that I'm the one who has to go through all this pain when he's the one who deserves it."
She heard the front door open and she wished that whoever it was would go away. She didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
"Mom?" Anthony's voice called out.
Monica didn't answer him. She wished he would just go away and leave her alone. She heard him call out again and then heard his steps come closer. For a second she thought about pretending to be asleep but she decided not to.
"Mom!" he said, showing up in the doorway. "Why didn't you answer me?"
"I don't know" she said.
"You okay?" he asked.
"No" Monica said.
He walked over to her and sat down on the bed next to her. He had a worried look on his face. She was glad he looked more like her than like Chandler. In her confused state she might have ended up confusing him with Chandler otherwise, and taken her anger and hurt out on him.
"Mom..." he said. "Why did you leave the reception?"
"I've always hated those things" Monica said. "You know that pumpkin."
"Yes" he said. "But for Dad's sake you could have stayed."
Monica felt like saying that she didn't owe Anthony's dad anything but she didn't. She just bit her lower lip and wished Anthony would go away.
"Mom?"
"Tony... not now."
"Mom I'm worried about you. You haven't been yourself since Dad died, and I know why. That's not what worries me. What worries me is... something I can't put my finger to."
"Then don't try."
"I want to try. I want to know. It almost feels as if you... you want to die too."
"I want to die?"
"It almost seems that way" Anthony said. "Like you wish you were dead and with him. Uncle Joey said something like that to me at the reception, that you had said to him."
"Uncle Joey doesn't know the difference between a lion and a tiger, how do you expect him to know what my wishes are?" Monica said.
"So you don't want to die?"
"So I can be with him? No."
Anthony was quiet for a second. He looked around in the room and then looked down at his Mother again.
"I'm not judging you if you feel you want to die now that he has" Anthony said. "In fact, I would understand you."
"Maybe you would" Monica said. "But Anthony, sweetie, I don't want to die. Okay? I did... At first... I wanted to get to be with him. But now I've thought about it and I don't want to die anymore."
"You've thought about it just between the reception and now?"
"Yes."
Anthony was quiet for a second again. She was harder to talk to than she usually was. Something was wrong that he couldn't put his finger to.
"Mom..." he said. "I know what you're--"
"No you don't know" she cut him off, knowing what he was going to say. "You don't know at all. You knew but not anymore."
"You're talking in riddles here."
Monica didn't reply. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know if she should tell her son that his Father had had another woman.


That's the complete 4th part =). Part 5 will probably take a while, I'm going to finish the next part of "All the Small Things" first, before I start writing on part 5. Comments and questions can be e-mailed to me at annapanna__@hotmail.com, please leave a review below. Thanks.