ph33r the cute ones (a.k.a. The Semi-Tribute to Excel Saga & Koshi Rikudo)
By: Sam D.
Sipping the hot, black coffee from his "I'm Not Evil, I'm Just Misunderstood" mug, Professor Piro Sakai strolled leisurely down a busy hall, examining the top secret papers in front of him. He had a 'nothing possibly could go wrong' attitude towards everything nowadays. He slipped the clipboard under his arm, and carefully opened the lab door with his free hand. Once inside his sanctuary, Piro locked the door. He then slid into his cushy computer chair, spun around to face his computer monitor, and typed away while humming random show tunes happily. (i.e. songs like "Easy Street! Easy Street! Annie is the key! Yes siree! Yes siree! Yes siree! Yeah!" and, strangely, "Some women are dripping with diamonds! Some women are dripping with pearls! Lucky me! Lucky me! Look at what I'm dripping with...LITTLE GIRLS!") After a short time, he halted, blinked, and turned around.
"Something...Doesn't seem right," he said suspiciously, surveying the dark room around him. He scanned the tabletops when it hit him right in the face.
"AAHH!! NO!! It got out AGAIN!" he screamed, pointing to an empty cage which had its door wide open. Piro dashed out of the room and down the hall in a mad frenzy. His co-workers' only responses were "The man must be crazy."
Even though he searched every nook and cranny, Piro had no luck whatsoever. He even double checked behind all the potted plants and water coolers on five different floors of the building.
"This...Isn't...Good..." he said to himself, cringing as he pictured all the chaos the escapee could be causing at that very moment. The experiment wasn't fully finished yet, it still needed some more testing, and he didn't know what it could be capable of. Piro needed help, before he was fired...Again.
"Largo might know where it could've run off to!" Piro exclaimed. The new guy, Largo, was the only other scientist in the android department besides himself.
Piro ran off again, knowing the exact place Largo would be found.
***
"Come on! Come on! LOSER!!" a man with unkempt brown hair furiously whispered. His angered brown eyes stared fixedly on a small television screen without looking down at the video game controller he held in his hands.
"AHHHHH!! NO!!!!" he screamed, throwing the controller to the floor as the words "GAME OVER" flashed on the screen. "And I forgot to save my game...As always..."
A quiet knock was heard from outside of the small, somewhat claustrophobic space. Largo was panic-stricken. He knew he shouldn't be playing video games in one of the basement's storage closets during work hours, but he couldn't help himself.
"LARGO! Open the door!" a familiar voice called to him.
"Piro?"
"Yes, PIRO, you airhead! Who'd you think it would be?"
"The Italian Mafia?"
"The Italian Mafia? Really, Largo..."
"No, no," Largo interrupted him, "It's true. I...Owe them some...Money..."
"Forget about that now! Open the door!" Piro commanded.
Largo got up from his spot on the floor, unlocked the door, and opened it. "Whaddya want?"
"Some help," Piro replied.
"With what?"
"With finding my top secret experiment that managed to get out of its cage again."
"Oh, okay," Largo said, not sounding amused. He began to close the door while he said, "Back to Street Fighter..."
"NO!" Piro yelled, pushing the door open. "Street Fighter can wait! You help me!"
"But whhhhhyyyyyy..." Largo whined like a small child.
"You want to go to Akihabara this weekend, don't you?"
Largo's eyes widened, and he answered, "Piro, buddy ol' pal, what can I do for ya?"
"That's better," Piro complacently replied. "Now, come with me."
Before Largo could reply, Piro had already grabbed him by the arm and ran out of the closet to only Kami-sama knew where.
***
Upstairs, Piro continued his quest for the missing experiment, with Largo sort of helping him.
"Ooh, donut," Largo observed, seeing a box full of them at an unoccupied desk. He looked around, saw the coast was clear, and shoved one in his mouth. "Mmmm...Cream filled..."
Piro looked up from under the desk. "What are you doing?" he questioned him, getting up off his hands and knees.
"Nothin'," Largo mumbled, trying to swallow the donut.
"Exactly! Now contribute to this, or no Akihabara for you!" Piro warned him, using his best Soup Nazi impression. Largo swallowed, replied "Yes, sir!", and saluted Piro.
The two men searched offices, labs, elevators, closets, bathrooms (except the ladies' room), desk drawers, and other ridiculous places before they decided to quit.
Largo noted the music that was playing over the loudspeakers, "I feel like I'm on Scooby-Doo". Piro took off his round glasses and began to polish them. "This is getting us absolutely nowhere."
"We need some leads, some evidence, some...SOMETHING!" Largo complained. As if his prayers were answered, a disheveled, hysteric man came charging down the hall screaming bloody murder.
Piro blinked. "How's that for something?" he asked. He then stopped the man and questioned him, "Dude, what's wrong?"
"Ka...Waii...Kawaii ne..." the man stuttered.
Largo arched an eyebrow. "Eh?"
"Li...Little...Little...Be...Be...Bears...Dancing. Yes, that's it. Dancing bears," he stuttered in response.
Piro screamed, "Hey! He found it! This guy found my experiment!" He turned to Largo, and clamped his hands down on both of his shoulders while repeating, "He found it! He found it!"
Largo stared at him blankly, "Uhh...Yeah, Piro. I think you need to visit the nice men in the white coats again."
Piro froze. He replied seriously, "Now I'm scared of you, Largo. Anyway, back to our hysteric friend." He turned around only to find that the source of their information had run off.
"Well, judging by where the guy came from," Largo started, "We should go that way"--he pointed down the hall in front of them--"to find the target."
"Wow, Largo, for once something you say seems useful," Piro said.
"Don't be sarcastic!" Largo snapped back.
"I wasn't!"
"Was too!"
"WAIT A MINUTE! Let's just stop acting like idiots!"
"OKAY!"
With that said, the two trudged down the hall, not talking to each other at all in the process.
***
FIVE HOURS LATER...
"Okay, this is getting ridiculous," Piro said, stopping in his tracks. "We've been walking down this hallway for EVER."
Largo trudged up warily behind him and said, "I agree..." He then perked up, obviously having an idea. "Hey! Maybe the experiment went all medieval and decided to turn on the creator"--he pointed to Piro--"you, for instance, and has gathered up an evil alliance which now has this entire complex inside an intergalactic-type force field which is holding everyone hostage!"
"Pfft," Piro skeptically replied, rolling his eyes. "Be realistic, Largo. You know that something like that couldn't really happen."
Meanwhile, in an unknown region of the building, little, yellow bears were...Dancing?
"Puchu! Puchu! Puchu!" the hordes of bears sang while waving their miniature staffs in the air as they pranced about.
"PUCHU!" boomed a loud voice.
The creatures stopped and turned their attention towards the voice's source. A spotlight shone upon what looked like the king of their kind, Piro's experiment. This bear wore a small crown atop its head and had badges pinned onto him. An unknown, as of now, person was pushed into the room. The blonde-haired, green-eyed girl had no idea what she was doing there.
"Me? Translate?" she questioned, pointing at herself.
"Puchu!" the crowd answered, staring at her with sad, little black eyes.
"Too...Cute...Must...Resist...Oh fine," she said, giving into their ultimate cuteness.
The King of the Puchu cleared his throat, raised his staff, and announced, "Puchu! Pu! Pah-chu! Puchu! Chu! Puchu! Puchu! Pah-chu!"
The "translator" scratched her head and then spoke. "He said that his plan for world destruction is almost complete."
The King continued, "Puchu! Puchu! Pah-chu chu! PAH-CHU! CHU!"
"And, the ones named Piro and Largo must be exterminated."
"Puchu! Pah-chu!" the King said, pointing his staff at her.
"WHAT? You want me to get rid of them? I work for Ilpalazzo-sama and for Ilpalazzo-sama only!! You can't be the boss of me!"
"Pah-chu...Puchu?!"
"Yeah! PAH-CHU, PUCHU!"
The now annoyed king zapped the girl with his small staff. She stood there for quite some time before she answered, "Yes...Sir..." and crumbled into ashes.
At this time, Piro and Largo were actually were making some progress...Or so it seemed.
"I found the box of Pocky, so it's mine! MINE I TELL YOU! AHAHAHAHAA!" a starved Piro screamed hysterically, waving a small box in his hand while standing atop a desk.
"I HAVE TO EAT TOO, YOU KNOW!" Largo yelled back, trying to grab the food out of Piro's hand.
The girl who claimed she worked for Ilpalazzo-sama only peered out from behind a corner, katana in hand. "Target...Lock," she whispered. She then snuck around, in stealth mode, behind the two fighting friends, planning out every move she was to make. When the time was right, she sprung out behind a super-sized filing cabinet, katana raised, and screamed, "FOR ILPALAZZO-SAMA!"
Piro and Largo turned around, noticed the girl, with her very large and pointy sword raised, and hid under the desk. The katana hit the desktop, and the girl was not pleased.
"Grrr...Stupid sword!" she mumbled while trying to get the katana's blade unstuck from the wooden surface.
"Ummm...Since when do we have assassins trying to kill us?" Piro asked, looking out from under the desk.
"It's the Italian Mafia I tell you! THE ITALIAN MAFIA!" Largo screamed.
Piro smacked some sense into him. "How many times do I have to tell you! You don't owe them money! They aren't chasing after you! They don't want you dead!" he yelled. Piro then turned around, and gave a small "yipe".
"Hiya!" the assassin greeted them; a smile playing on her face.
The two men screamed as they bolted from under the desk and behind a random water cooler.
"What...What do you want with us?" Piro inquired.
"You work for the Italian Mafia, don't you? DON'T YOU?" Largo yelled, pointing his finger at her.
The assassin blinked quizzically. "Ummm...No," she started, "I don't work for the Italian Mafia."
Largo gave a sigh of relief. "That's good!" he said.
"I just came here with orders to exterminate both of you!" she continued, pointing her weapon at them.
Piro, obviously trying to stall their demise, nervously asked, "Who...Are you?"
"Oh, how stupid of me! I forgot to properly introduce myself!" she answered, blushing a bit. "My given name is Excel, my last name is Excel, so...That makes me Excel!"
Excel went into a pose and giggled insanely.
"She's named after a computer program?" Piro whispered to Largo.
"Odd...Extremely odd," Largo replied.
"Who are YOU calling ODD?" Excel inquired, pointing the blade right between Largo's eyes.
"Uh...Umm...Ah...Well...Not you! I wouldn't call you, of all people, odd!" he answered, trying to fool his attacker.
"Oh, okay," Excel said, smiling. "Now, I have to get rid of you two before I get in some serious trouble...Guys? Guys? Piro? Largo? Where'd ya go?"
Excel looked around, somewhat bewildered. Piro and Largo had run off again.
"Ugh...There goes my reason for getting paid," Excel said, shrugging her shoulders. She slowly walked off, dragging her katana behind her.
***
Piro and Largo slammed a door behind them, and they gasped for breath.
"Uhh, Piro, where are we?" Largo asked, noticing the high-tech tools, equipment, and something that looked like a control panel that was in the room with them.
"I have no idea, and I don't care," Piro replied. "Just as long as we're away from that Excel person."
"Who is there?" a voice called.
Piro and Largo panicked. Piro peered out from behind one of the smaller panels. The person who they heard looked strangely like a warlord, with small John Lennon glasses perched on his nose, sitting up on a throne.
"Umm...I'z-chan?" Piro answered, using his quick thinking skills and knowledge of who this man was.
"Oh! I'z-chan! Could you do me a really big favor and get me a chocolate milk, shaken not stirred, Hershey's not NesQuik?" he asked.
"Sure thing, Ilpalazzo-sama," Piro replied, resisting the urge to laugh out loud.
"Thank you so much...Now back to my guitar lessons," Ilpalazzo-sama said, taking out his guitar and lesson book. He began to strum, humming a tune.
"Who is this guy? Who is I'z-chan? And how'd this room get here?" Largo whispered to Piro.
"Please save all questions for the end of class," Piro urged his friend.
He led Largo outside of Ilpalazzo-sama's lair, closing the door quietly (so he wouldn't be distracted from his lessons), and came face to face with trouble.
"PUCHU!" a group of everyone's favorite devil bears yelled at them.
"How...Cu...Cute..." Piro stuttered, a glazed look on his face. Largo repeated Piro's words and stared at the bears. "AWWWWW!!!" the two scientists said loudly in unison, grabbing a bear each and hugging it.
"AHA! Found you!" a familiar female voice yelled from not too far away.
Excel walked up to them. "I knew I wouldn't fail at my mission!" She raised her katana and was about to bring it down upon our two occupied heroes when suddenly...A little angel, which looked like her, appeared.
"Excel! Don't do it! It's not the right thing!" the mini-angel warned her.
Excel blinked. "Huh?"
"Excel! DON'T DO IT! Ilpalazzo-sama wouldn't like it!"
"QUIET YOU!" another small Excel, which looked like a devil, yelled, hitting the angel with her pitchfork.
"OW!" the angel yelped, hitting the floor.
Excel, who was now freaked out, turned around and ran off, dropping the katana on the carpeted floor along the way.
"What's her problem?" the mini-devil asked.
"I have no idea," the mini-angel replied, straightening her halo. "Wanna go get some sukiyaki?"
"Sounds like a plan..."
With that, the two little beings disappeared...And a whole army of Puchu bears came charging down the hall at Piro and Largo. Piro, who had been hugging his little bear for too long, was hit by its little staff a little bit too hard in the head and was knocked out.
***
"Huh?" he asked, looking around. He saw Largo hugging what looked like a teddy bear on the floor, and his office around him.
He said, "Man, I have got to stop watching so much anime at odd hours of the night..." He then turned around in his computer chair, and noticed that Largo must be sleeping.
"LARGO! EARTH TO LARGO! WAKE UP!" he yelled.
"AHHH!!" Largo yelled, obviously startled. "I won't give in to OZ! I won't give them my Gundam!! NEVER!!!"
Piro laughed, "Right...You gotta stop watching Gundam Wing...Hey, what's that?" He pointed to the object Largo was holding.
"Wha?" Largo asked, looking at what he had in his hands.
It looked up at him and gave a loud, "PUCHU!"
The two men screamed in terror, darted out of the room, and proceeded to exit the building and run down the street screaming, "BEARS! BEARS! DANCING BEARS EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU!".
HALFWAY ACROSS TOWN...
A tall man in a red suit, blue shirt and yellow tie (with an afro, no less) ran through random dark alleyways around the sleeping city, occasionally looking back to see if his pursuers was still pursuing. Nabeshin came to a halt when he heard footsteps close by.
"I must get away from them..." he whispered, catching his breath. "I must complete my task..."
"Hey! You!"
Nabeshin glanced ahead towards another street. Five men in black suits with matching sunglasses were blocking the way.
"Yeah! You!" the same voice from before yelled.
"You won't get away from us this time!" another called.
"Forgive me...Children of the sea!" Nabeshin yelled before he ran off.
A short while after, Nabeshin met up with two other running men, namely Piro and Largo, and asked them, "So, who's chasing after you?"
"DANCING BEARS!!" the two now insane men replied.
"Oh, that's nothing...I'm being chased by the Italian Mafia," Nabeshin boasted, as he motioned to the crowd of men in black suits and black Cadillacs that were trailing behind him.
"Cool! The Mafia's after me, too, man!" Largo exclaimed, giving Nabeshin a high five.
"Oh, would the both of you just SHUT UP and KEEP RUNNING!" Piro demanded as he grabbed the two Mafia obsessed individuals and ran off.