No One to Trust, to Care for, to Love…Only Darkness
Sakura's POV
Why can't my life be filled with happiness anymore? All there is left is darkness that pulls me away farther and farther away from the light of innocence. Well I guess I am not very innocent anymore…in the eyes of everyone who knows me I am nothing, just a waste of space, even worse… like I don't even exist… Why do I feel like this you ask? Well I will start from the beginning…
First off it started with my whole family turning against me. Why? I still ask myself this today…I have yet to come up with an answer…My father who has always been known as such a wonderful friend and father became something different. He became bitter and was engulfed by anger, because my sweet onii-chan had lost his life in a car accident. Yukito had also been with Onii-chan that night, they had been coming back from a party celebrating how they were going to be college students now. But my onii-chan never made it home…they had been hit by a driver who was intoxicated. My father and I had rushed to the hospital only to see both of these once young and agile boys withering away into nothing and then disappear like they never existed. My father blamed himself for what happened and in turn took out his anger on me… I can't tell you how many times I had been beaten so badly by him…I still have some bruises and cuts that didn't heal properly to prove it. During that time I wished he would stop and think about what he was doing to himself and to me…but he never did. After that I learned to hate him, I never did learn to forgive or love him. But it's too late for all those things now since he is dead… He became so drunk with anger that he ended up taking away his own life just to stop the pain. I pray for his soul to rest in peace, but that doesn't mean I forgive him for what he did to me, I still very much hate him…even in death I will. What of my mother you ask? Well, my mother died when I was very young, but I can still feel her ghostly presence at times. Her aura is of sadness because what happened to Touya and Otousan, and because of my hating Otousan, I never wanted her to be sad, but I can't help what I feel… Gomen nasai Okaasan…
And now you are thinking "But what about Tomoyo-chan? She would never abandon you!" *scoffs* Well you are thinking wrong my friend! She betrayed me, abandoned me and broke my heart all at once. My dear Tomoyo, my best friend left me to go to England to be with Eriol-kun, they had finally told each other of their feelings and wanted to be together and Tomoyo made the decision of leaving Tomoeda and going to England to be with him. Of course I wanted to be happy for her, but I wanted to be selfish for once in my life and I have my happiness before anyone else did. The reason that this broke my heart was because I was still waiting for my own love to return to me…my dear Syaoran-kun was still in Hong Kong training. So, when I heard the news of Tomoyo and Eriol, I just went completely mad and broke down into tears because I didn't have anyone with me who loved me…only Tomoyo. I had asked her to stay with me and to forget about Eriol-kun, telling her that it wasn't right to leave me the way I was at that time. After saying that to her she gave me the coldest stare, this was unlike her usual self so I was very frightened. She looked at me and told me "Sakura-chan, I love you very much. You are my best friend in the whole world. I would do anything and everything for you, but this is something I have to do for myself! I can't spend my whole life never doing what I want! I devoted all of my time to you during our school years, but it is now time for me to go out on my own and to get away from you. You have held me back, I could have been something more than what I am now… but I never could rise higher because I was always taking care of you and investing all my time and life to you! I never thought I would ever say this to you in a million years…but the truth of the matter is….I hate you… So, I now say goodbye and wish you luck with your life for you will need it Kinomoto-san…maybe one day I will not hate you as much so we can be friends again, but for now don't try to contact me…when I am ready we will be friends again… sayonara…" And after that she left me and I was left stunned and heartbroken for I had lost my one true friend…at least I always thought she was my true friend… To this day she still hasn't tried to contact me and I have respected her wishes in not trying to contact her. But then again, even if she wanted to contact me she wouldn't know where to write to me, for I no longer live in that lonely empty space that was my home, staying there brought to many bad memories of my family and memories from my card capturing days… Yes, I am still the mistress of the cards, but I no longer use them. I keep the key around my neck and the clowbook with the cards in a special place, which is actually the only place that brings any happiness to my life…
Thinking about all these memories has made me even more depressed than I already am, but I will continue for you will want to know what has happened to everyone else in my life…
Kero…oh how I wonder what happened to him… He didn't die, from what I know at least. The only thing I know is that after all the cards were turned into Sakura Cards and everything was done and over with he just disappeared… He was never seen again, but sometimes when there is nothing but silence around me I can still hear him munching on candy and enjoying life. I can still feel his aura near me…but when I walk closer to the source of the aura it disappears as if it were never there to begin with. Maybe he is dead and he is watching over me or maybe he stopped loving and caring and just wanted to not be with me anymore, but still keeps an eye out for me because I am his master still… If he is alive, but no longer loves me, I free him…I am not his master anymore! Do you hear me Kero-chan?! Just go away if you no longer carry love in your heart for me anymore! I do not need your pity! *breaks down into tears* Just leave me alone…
(Outside by wherever Sakura is)
"I am truly sorry Sakura-chan, but I can't love you anymore because you don't even love yourself…You are so lost in the darkness that it is hard to be really close to you because your negative aura hurts me because of my light aura…I know you can feel my aura and I want you to because then it gives me hope that one day you will become the Sakura-chan I used to know. The girl who was always genki and cared about everyone and always looked on the bright side of things…Until then I can't really love you, but I will continue to watch over you, so I know you are safe." A few stray tears fall from Kero's face as he sits in a tree and falls asleep dreaming of a better tomorrow for Sakura and himself…
(Back to where Sakura is)
There is no light in my life, no silver lining, no happy ending, just this big empty space inside of me that has nothing to fill it, so it continues to suck away what little life I have left to satisfy its thirst to be dark and then soon I will disappear too…just like everyone else in my life has done. For now all I can think is that death will be my salvation, it will take me away from this life and put me in a new one where there is no such things as family, friendship, or even…love… Oh how the feeling of love has hurt me so much, there is no end to that particular pain in my heart. Love as we all know is a double edged sword. It can bring you endless happiness, but with that happiness comes tremendous pain and suffering when the one you love betrays you…*looks out of a very small window and looks outside at how the stars and moon shine so brightly* Looking up at the beautiful sky used to bring me so much hope for tomorrow, now it just hurts to even take the slightest glance at it… *turns away from the window* *tears begin to form in her deep colored emerald green eyes and falling to the ground* Even after all these years, it still hurts me to think about what…well maybe I shouldn't get into that just yet, but then again what else is there to tell you when I have already told you what happened to most of the people that used to be in my life. They are all gone… and before everyone left me, I believed that there was one person I could count on and turns out there is no one I can count on….I can't even count on myself…
Love is not something to be taken lightly, thinking that it will always be there when you need it, and I know this from real life experience. *Closes her eyes and starts talking ever so gently* I had just turned 18 and my dear… I mean Syaoran-kun said he would call me… And he did call me, now I wish he had never called me that day…because of that day I try not to acknowledge that my birthday is coming, I am never happy when that day comes, but then again when am I ever happy these days…*sighs* I can still remember what was said in that conversation with him…
~*Flashback of Sakura's 18th Birthday*~
Sakura is sitting in her apartment waiting for Syaoran to call her. She looks around her to see no friends, no family, no one at all to wish her a happy birthday… Tomoyo left, her family members are dead, and most of her friends pretended as if they didn't know her anymore, because she had become so different from the Sakura-chan they used to know and love. She then heard the sound of the phone ringing and ran to the living room and picked up the phone and started smiling for she knew who it was.
"Syaoran, is that you?!" asked Sakura, being very happy now.
"Yes, it is…How are you doing today Sakura-chan?" he asked.
Sakura started frowning for she had noticed he had not called her Sake-chan, which was his pet name for her. She felt something was very wrong, but tried to shrug it off for she wanted nothing to ruin this talk with her beloved.
"I am just fine now! I was feeling so lonely, because I have no one to celebrate my birthday with… I wish you could be here with me right now Syao-chan for you are the only person who loves me anymore, and the only person I can really trust and depend on," she said smiling happily.
Syaoran began cringe at the statement Sakura had made… 'I am the only one that she can trust?' he thought and sighed knowing that what he was about to do would end up hurting Sakura in a million unexplainable ways.
"Um…Sakura…I have something that I need to tell you, its very important. It is about us…"
"Hoe? What is wrong Syao-chan?" she asked with an urgency in her voice.
"First off, you have to stop calling me Syao-chan because it is no longer appropriate. Second…I…I…I can't love you any longer…"
She felt like a million knifes were stabbing her… 'He doesn't love me anymore?' Her eyes began to tear up and she felt like dying then and there, but before she did that she had to know why he didn't love her anymore. If it was something she had done wrong, maybe she could correct the mistake and then he could love her again.
"But….why?" she asked in a quiet whisper, for she longer had the strength to raise her voice.
"This is so hard to tell you…I never wanted to hurt you Sakura honest. But to be truthful, we have grown apart and our relationship just isn't as strong as we thought it would be."
Sakura tried to gather up all her strength so she could talk, "Liar…I feel that we have not grown apart one bit and that our relationship has been strong and forever will be strong! Why must you hurt me like this? I thought that I could trust you with my heart Syaoran-kun, but instead you broke it! I guess there is no one to trust in this cold world in which I am forced to live in…" She no longer wanted to talk to him, talking to him just made the newly found pain in her heart so much worse.
"Sakura, its just that…well, I found someone else. I never wanted to find someone else, but it just happened. Her name is Ming and she is a really sweet girl…almost as sweet as you are. I just couldn't wait anymore, the waiting hurt having no one who loved me beside me and then as if Kami-sama was listening to my cries he brought me Ming-chan. And I have been very happy with her. Please try to understand and be happy for me Sakura." He then sighed sadly, knowing how much hurt Sakura was feeling because he could feel what she was feeling since they were linked to each other.
"Be happy for you?! How can you expect me to be happy when you are leaving me! You promised me forever and always, Syaoran-kun…" she tried best to her ability to not cry, but the river of warm tears left her and hit the ground. That was it… she felt as if there was nothing left for her to live for…she wanted to disappear, but decided to just finish her conversation with Syaoran and see him leave her life, as everyone else has done.
She sniffled, but went on and asked "Well, is there anything else you would like to say to break my heart some more Li-kun? If not lets part now and just forget we ever met each other…" She waited for him to say something.
"Well, I know this is not the right time at all to ask you of this favor, but my…" he hesitated to say what he was going to say because he no longer wanted to cause more pain to Sakura, but he had been asked to ask this by Ming so he had to say it. "…my fiancé Ming wanted me to ask you if you would be her maid of honor at our wedding because her friend can't make it and she really wants to meet you." He stood still and listened to the unsteady breathing going on, on the other end of the phone line. This was a mistake to ask he thought.
'Fiancé? No…' She could not believe what she just heard, Syaoran was going to get married not to her but to another woman, his Ming-chan… She felt so many mixed emotions of anger and sadness and of grief, she couldn't keep herself together any longer… She fell to the floor hard and cried hysterically wanting life to end as quickly as possible… Syaoran was still on the other end of the phone line listening to her cries.
"Sakura…I am so sorr…" but before he could finish, Sakura interrupted him. "NO! Don't you dare say you are sorry! You aren't sorry at all, you just feel guilty and if you say sorry there will be no guilt on your shoulders. I love you! I waited for you to come back, I have been loyal to you all this time and now you say that you could not wait and so you leave me and get married to some girl that you are not even destined to be with?! We are destined to be together forever….at least I thought we were… don't ever call me again Li-kun. We have nothing else to say to each other, only to forget about one another…
She hung up the phone violently and saw that it was raining outside… She left her apartment and went outside and stood in the rain for hours thinking of how life was meaning less…
~*Flashback ends*~
Love is not real… its merely just the trick of the mind…nothing more or less. I just wish I had learned that sooner, then maybe I wouldn't be in a world of hurt… *looks outside to see that it is raining once more* Well it must be my birthday… it always rains on my birthday and no other day does it rain… How old am I now? *thinks* I am 26...and I have no one…just myself…not even myself, because sometimes I think I really don't exist… *looks outside again* Well its time to make my birthday wish and end all this.
*leaves the empty room that she has been in and goes outside, which appears to be the park*
Ahhh….*breaths in the some fresh air* I haven't been outside in a long time… *walks over to a bench where a variety of lovely flowers lay around it and sits down* I remember Li-kun and I used to sit on this bench and talk for hours and look up at the stars… this was our special place he said… I thought I could hate him and stop loving him, but I still have the feeling of love for him even though I know its not real I can't help it…this is the only place that gives me even a shred of happiness, if any… *sticks her hand in a rose bush and pulls out the clowbook* Good place to keep something…no one would ever want to hurt themselves with thorns… but I don't mind for the pain does not matter… Now for my wish… *closes her eyes and begins to talk* I wish for all of the cards to go free and live their lives free and happy the way they choose, your free cards, RELEASE! *the clowbook begins to float in midair and all the cards come out… they thank their mistress for setting them free and hope that she finds peace and they fly off and disappear, the clowbook turns into a puff of pink smoke and is also gone* One wish left… *lies down on the bench* God, please let my life end now, I have nothing to live for so please grant my wish…*she then feels very sleepy and watches as everything gets blurry from the rain hitting her face* Goodbye cruel world…
*Kero wakes up and looks down at the bench to see the life from his mistress leave her, he flies down and rests on her stomach*
"Oh, Sakura…" Kero hugged her best he could with his short little arms.
"Kero? You aren't dead… I am so happy you are alive," she says as her eyelids droop more and more by the second.
"Please don't die Sakura-chan! Please!" Kero looked at her as he himself were going to die if she did.
"I am sorry Kero-chan, but its my time… my mind, heart, and soul have been broken and cannot be repaired and I leave this world to go to a better one…ja ne…."
Her eyelids shut and her breathing stopped slowly… All Kero could do was lie down on Sakura's lifeless body and leave this world with her… For he said he would always watch over her…even in death…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where Sakura is…. I don't even know… I guess a place where lost souls gather and hopefully rekindle their lively spirits, but in death for lost souls there really is nothing but darkness….
Dedicated to my sis, Irah-chan: I hope it is to your liking ^-^