TITLE: Ode To Mary-Sue
AUTHOR: JackPhillipsGirl
DISCLAIMER: I don't own So Weird or its characters. I do own Mary-Sue!!!!!!!!!!! She's an amazingly creative figment of my imagination!!!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a parody. I'm merely poking fun at all the things I hate about So Weird fan fiction and fan fiction in general, the main one being Mary-Sue (a.k.a. self-insertion stories). Mary-Sue, I hope I never have to see your perfectly flawless face again! I must thank Tabetha (Tablynvan) and Claire (thechaosdiva) for their input and for the wonderful "odes" which they wrote. Oh, please do flame me if you feel the urge… It would be my great pleasure to laugh at you…
First, the odes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tabetha's Ode to Mary-Sue
I love thy so much let me count thee ways.
You are so beautiful and always let us know.
You were the newest and hippest styles.
You are full of life with no faults.
Making friends with everyone.
And you usually win the guy's heart.
Or sometimes the girl's.
Saving the day is normal and uneventful for you.
Oh how I wish I could be just like you!
Oh wait a minute I can!
Claire's Ode to Mary-Sue
Whether your hair be made of cornsilk
Or flow in raven waves
You always manage to be on top
and make helpless boys your slaves
You're perfect in every way, shape, and form
And quick-witted and sharp-tongued too
You're everything that I am not
Because you are Mary-Sue
You steal the hearts of men and boys
You're always on top of the heap
You never do anything less than right
And leave all the women to weep
If I could have just one wish
It would be to be just like you
You're sweet of heart and pure of mind
Because you are Mary-Sue
Now, the story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dearies!" Molly called, closing the front door behind her. "There's someone I'd like you to meet!"
A moment later, there was a loud shuffle of shoes on the stairs, shortly followed by the appearance of Jack, Fi, Annie, Clu, and Carey at the last step, panting for breath. Jack had his arm around Annie, and Carey had his arm around Fi, since, incidentally, they were dating, that being reason enough.
With mouths slightly agape, the three boys stared at Molly's female companion. She had long, wavy red hair that gently cascaded down her back. Her piercing blue eyes were bright and intriguing. Carelessly draped over her left shoulder was a fashionable ruby-studded lip purse. Her black crop shirt read "Angelic Devil", quite an appropriately contradictory phrase adding to her impressive air of mystery. She was also clad in red leather pants and black boots with black shoelaces. She was about 5'7" with an impossibly slim and trim figure. Her shirt revealed just a peak of her flat stomach and her magnificent belly button ring. Her lips, donned in a dark shade of crimson-colored lipstick, were slightly parted into a small, timid smile.
Wow, Clu thought. Nice butt!
Wow, Carey thought. She's hot!
Wow, Jack thought. Great smile!
Wow, Fi thought. I wish I had a belly button ring!
Wow, Annie thought. Awesome taste in clothes!
Molly slung her arm over the girl's shoulders. "Oh, hello, children. Glad to see you've descended the stairs safely. Jack, Fiona, I'd like you to meet your long-lost cousin Mary-Sue!"
"Hi," Mary-Sue said shyly.
Aww, that's so cute how she's nervous! Clu marveled.
"Hi, Mary-Sue!" Jack said happily. "And I thought I had already met all of our cousins!" He enveloped her into a warm hug, as did Fiona. Carey and Clu still stood, as though they were frozen, staring in awe.
"Mary-Sue can sing!" Molly gushed.
"Oh, I'm not that great…" Mary-Sue began, blushing.
"Come on, cuz', belt out a tune for us!" Fi pleaded. The rest of the gang nodded their heads insistently.
"I'd rather not… well, okay," Mary-Sue agreed. Cautiously, she began to sing the words to Britney Spears' newest hit, the greatest song ever. The others stood around her in a small circle, speechless. Mary-Sue had the most radiant, beautiful, smooth, angelic voice any of them had ever heard. When she had finished, they let out a collective gasp.
"Omigoodness!" Annie exclaimed. "Mary-Sue, your voice sounds like the perfect mix of Mandy Moore, all the girls of Dream, Beyoncé of Destiny's Child, Jessica Simpson, and Mariah Carey all rolled into one!"
The others nodded enthusiastically in agreement.
"Wow, Mary-Sue, you're like, perfect!" Clu said excitedly.
"No way, dude!" Carey shouted. "She is perfect!"
"Hey!" Fi cried, hitting him playfully.
"Children! I don't want any injuries!" Molly scolded them. Then, she spontaneously announced, "Mary-Sue is joining the tour!"
"Yay!" everyone yelled, jumping up and down excitedly.
"But mom," Jack interrupted, "there isn't enough room on the bus! Where is Mary-Sue going to sleep?"
"Insightful observation, son," Molly noted. "Well, is anyone willing to give up their bed and sleep on the floor?"
"I am!" Annie shouted.
"No, I want to!" Fi exclaimed.
"But I want Mary-Sue to sleep in my bed!" Annie whined.
"No! She'll like mine better!" Fi argued.
"Dears, there is an easy way to settle this," Molly told them. Annie and Fi looked at her expectantly. "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" she said.
And, since Annie had scissors, and Fi had paper, Annie won.
"Hurray! Mary-Sue gets to have my bed!"
"Splendid!" Molly exclaimed. She suddenly turned and escaped the confinements of the room. After she had left, Annie stuck her tongue out at Fi, who in turn stuck out her tongue at Annie.
"Come on, let's go back upstairs," Jack told Annie, and they left, Fi and Carey not far behind.
Mary-Sue still stood, feeling a little lost, in front of the closed front door. Clu was staring at her in fascination. "Mary-Sue?" he asked, cautiously stepping toward her.
"Yes?" She looked at him in confusion.
Clu couldn't take it anymore. "I love you!" he shouted, pulling her to him and kissing her roughly. To his great surprise and glee, she didn't struggle. When he finally backed away, he looked down into her beautiful eyes.
"I didn't know you felt this way," Mary-Sue whispered.
"Well?" Clu prompted, his eyes searching hers hopefully.
"Well!" Mary-Sue exclaimed, laughing gently. "I love you too, of course!"
"Awwwwww…" Jack, Fi, Carey, and Annie gushed, having witnessed the entire scene from atop the stairs.
"Hey!" Clu shouted, holding Mary-Sue's hand tightly. "You guys were spying on us this whole time?"
"Yes!" they all exclaimed in unison.
"Now we can all be mathematically perfectly paired off!" Jack announced, pulling Annie close to him. The others laughed at the astounding irony of the situation and, from that day on, while Jack had Annie, and Carey had Fi, and Clu had Mary-Sue, life was impeccably perfect.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!! THE END!!!!!!!!
WUZNT THAT KEWL??????!!!!!!!?????? PLZ R&R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111