Act 1: Viola loves Orsino who loves Olivia who loves Cesario who is really Viola in disguise.
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A1Sc1
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Orsino: I love Olivia. I wonder is she loves me.
Valentine: Her brother's dead and she misses him.
Orsino: Leave me alone. I want to dream about sleeping with Olivia.
Valentine: Okay ::leaves::
~~~~~
A1Sc2
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Viola: I'm drenched and my mouth tastes salty. What happened?
Sea Captain: We were shipwrecked and now we're in Ilyria. By the way, your brother's dead.
Viola: I miss him
Sea Captain: Then again, maybe he's not dead.
Viola: I hope not. Who rules here?
Sea Captain: Duke Orsino. But he's in love with Olivia.
Viola: Maybe if I pretend to be a guy named Cesario, he'll offer me a job.
Sea Captain: I'll help you.
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A1Sc3
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Toby Belch: I'm drunk and I like to drink.
Maria: I wish you wouldn't drink.
Toby: I think Andrew is a fine chap.
Maria: I don't.
::enter Andrew::
Andrew: Hello.
Maria: I don't like you but I'll flirt with you.
Andrew: I don't know how to flirt.
Maria: Darn. I'm leaving. ::leaves::
Toby: You look sad.
Andrew: I want to marry Olivia and I can't speak French.
Toby: Can you dance?
Andrew: Yes.
Toby: Let's crash a party and dance.
~~~~~
A1Sc4
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Valentine: The Duke likes you.
Viola: Yay!
::enter Duke, exit Valentine::
Duke: Go to Olivia and tell her I love her.
Viola: But she'll ignore me.
Duke: No she won't. You look like a girl.
Viola: *blushes*
Duke: Go. ::exits::
Viola: I want to marry the Duke but I'm too much of a wuss to let him know I'm a girl, so I'll try to get Olivia to fall in love with him.
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A1Sc5
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Maria: Where have you been?
Feste: I don't want to tell you, so I'll distract you with my foolery.
Maria: I know what you're talking about. Here comes Olivia. ::leaves::
::enter Olivia and Malvolio::
Olivia: Take the fool away.
Feste: I'm going to pretend I don't know what you're talking about.
Olivia: What?
Feste: Now I'm going to insult your dead brother's memory and make you feel embarrassed by mourning for him.
Olivia: Hee hee. You're funny. What do you think Malvolio?
Malvolio: I don't like you so I'll say a thinly veiled insult.
Feste: I don't like you either, so here's another thinly veiled insult.
Olivia: This is better than Jerry Springer.
Malvolio: Here's another insult.
Olivia: Now that's going too far, Mal. I like Feste more than I like you.
Feste: I like you too, Olivia.
::enter Maria::
Maria: The doorbell rang. Toby answered it.
Olivia: I'm mad at Toby. ::Maria leaves:: Malvolio, make sure that whoever is there leaves. ::exit Malvolio:: I like you Feste.
Feste: I like you too, Olivia. Here comes Toby. ::enter Toby::
Olivia: Who rang the doorbell?
Toby: I'm to drunk to care. ::leaves::
Olivia: Go after him. Make sure he sobers up. ::Feste leaves, Malvolio enters::
Malvolio: A young man from Orsino wants to speak to you.
Olivia: I don't want to talk to him.
Malvolio: He won't leave.
Olivia: Okay, I'll talk to him. ::exit Malvolio, enter Maria::
Olivia: Help me put on my veil.
Maria: Okay
::enter Viola::
Viola: Which one of you is Olivia?
Olivia: I won't tell you. What's your message.
Viola: Tell me which one of you is Olivia and I'll tell you my message.
Olivia: Fine. I'm Olivia
Viola: Let me tell you how beautiful you are for an hour, then I'll tell you the rest of the message.
Olivia: I don't want to hear it.
Viola: But it's poetic and I spent time memorizing it.
Olivia: I don't care. Keep your message short and sweet, or leave.
Maria: Will you leave?
Viola: No. I would much rather argue with Olivia.
Olivia: You still haven't told me your message. I think you're rude.
Viola: I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
Olivia: Huh?
Viola: Nevermind. Let me be alone with you and I'll tell you my message.
::Maria leaves::
Olivia: What is your message?
Viola: Orsino loves you.
Olivia: That's it?
Viola: Take off your veil.
Olivia: No.
Viola: Please?
Olivia: Okay. ::takes off veil:: Tell me I'm pretty.
Viola: You're pretty.
Olivia: Thanks.
Viola: Stop mocking me. I'm jealous that Orsino loves you.
Olivia: Orsino loves me?
Viola: Duh, yeah.
Olivia: I don't love him.
Viola: Why not?
Olivia: I'm not going to tell you. Tell Orsino I don't love him. Here's money.
Viola: Even though I'm poor I'm going to decline your money, because I'm still mad that the man I love loves you. C-ya.
Olivia: Bye. ::exit Viola:: That boy is rather young, but I think I love him. Malvolio?
::enter Malvolio::
Malvolio: Yes?
Olivia: ::secretly takes ring off finger:: Run after that boy and give him this ring.
Malvolio: Okay ::leaves::
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A1Sc1
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Orsino: I love Olivia. I wonder is she loves me.
Valentine: Her brother's dead and she misses him.
Orsino: Leave me alone. I want to dream about sleeping with Olivia.
Valentine: Okay ::leaves::
~~~~~
A1Sc2
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Viola: I'm drenched and my mouth tastes salty. What happened?
Sea Captain: We were shipwrecked and now we're in Ilyria. By the way, your brother's dead.
Viola: I miss him
Sea Captain: Then again, maybe he's not dead.
Viola: I hope not. Who rules here?
Sea Captain: Duke Orsino. But he's in love with Olivia.
Viola: Maybe if I pretend to be a guy named Cesario, he'll offer me a job.
Sea Captain: I'll help you.
~~~~~
A1Sc3
~~~~~
Toby Belch: I'm drunk and I like to drink.
Maria: I wish you wouldn't drink.
Toby: I think Andrew is a fine chap.
Maria: I don't.
::enter Andrew::
Andrew: Hello.
Maria: I don't like you but I'll flirt with you.
Andrew: I don't know how to flirt.
Maria: Darn. I'm leaving. ::leaves::
Toby: You look sad.
Andrew: I want to marry Olivia and I can't speak French.
Toby: Can you dance?
Andrew: Yes.
Toby: Let's crash a party and dance.
~~~~~
A1Sc4
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Valentine: The Duke likes you.
Viola: Yay!
::enter Duke, exit Valentine::
Duke: Go to Olivia and tell her I love her.
Viola: But she'll ignore me.
Duke: No she won't. You look like a girl.
Viola: *blushes*
Duke: Go. ::exits::
Viola: I want to marry the Duke but I'm too much of a wuss to let him know I'm a girl, so I'll try to get Olivia to fall in love with him.
~~~~~
A1Sc5
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Maria: Where have you been?
Feste: I don't want to tell you, so I'll distract you with my foolery.
Maria: I know what you're talking about. Here comes Olivia. ::leaves::
::enter Olivia and Malvolio::
Olivia: Take the fool away.
Feste: I'm going to pretend I don't know what you're talking about.
Olivia: What?
Feste: Now I'm going to insult your dead brother's memory and make you feel embarrassed by mourning for him.
Olivia: Hee hee. You're funny. What do you think Malvolio?
Malvolio: I don't like you so I'll say a thinly veiled insult.
Feste: I don't like you either, so here's another thinly veiled insult.
Olivia: This is better than Jerry Springer.
Malvolio: Here's another insult.
Olivia: Now that's going too far, Mal. I like Feste more than I like you.
Feste: I like you too, Olivia.
::enter Maria::
Maria: The doorbell rang. Toby answered it.
Olivia: I'm mad at Toby. ::Maria leaves:: Malvolio, make sure that whoever is there leaves. ::exit Malvolio:: I like you Feste.
Feste: I like you too, Olivia. Here comes Toby. ::enter Toby::
Olivia: Who rang the doorbell?
Toby: I'm to drunk to care. ::leaves::
Olivia: Go after him. Make sure he sobers up. ::Feste leaves, Malvolio enters::
Malvolio: A young man from Orsino wants to speak to you.
Olivia: I don't want to talk to him.
Malvolio: He won't leave.
Olivia: Okay, I'll talk to him. ::exit Malvolio, enter Maria::
Olivia: Help me put on my veil.
Maria: Okay
::enter Viola::
Viola: Which one of you is Olivia?
Olivia: I won't tell you. What's your message.
Viola: Tell me which one of you is Olivia and I'll tell you my message.
Olivia: Fine. I'm Olivia
Viola: Let me tell you how beautiful you are for an hour, then I'll tell you the rest of the message.
Olivia: I don't want to hear it.
Viola: But it's poetic and I spent time memorizing it.
Olivia: I don't care. Keep your message short and sweet, or leave.
Maria: Will you leave?
Viola: No. I would much rather argue with Olivia.
Olivia: You still haven't told me your message. I think you're rude.
Viola: I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
Olivia: Huh?
Viola: Nevermind. Let me be alone with you and I'll tell you my message.
::Maria leaves::
Olivia: What is your message?
Viola: Orsino loves you.
Olivia: That's it?
Viola: Take off your veil.
Olivia: No.
Viola: Please?
Olivia: Okay. ::takes off veil:: Tell me I'm pretty.
Viola: You're pretty.
Olivia: Thanks.
Viola: Stop mocking me. I'm jealous that Orsino loves you.
Olivia: Orsino loves me?
Viola: Duh, yeah.
Olivia: I don't love him.
Viola: Why not?
Olivia: I'm not going to tell you. Tell Orsino I don't love him. Here's money.
Viola: Even though I'm poor I'm going to decline your money, because I'm still mad that the man I love loves you. C-ya.
Olivia: Bye. ::exit Viola:: That boy is rather young, but I think I love him. Malvolio?
::enter Malvolio::
Malvolio: Yes?
Olivia: ::secretly takes ring off finger:: Run after that boy and give him this ring.
Malvolio: Okay ::leaves::