[[[Captain's log, star-date…err…Tuesday. The Worp Drive seems, miraculously, to have worked. Either that or heaven looks identical to the bridge of the Coke-'n'-fries. The only effect that I can see is a strange disappearance of the crew, and the appearance of a wash-basin beside my chair…]]]
The captain looked around the bridge… there wasn't a sign of movement anywhere. He attempted to lift himself up with his arms, and instead fell out of his seat. It was then that he noticed the small green things scattered all over the bridge floor. He began to crawl towards one, when a bing-bong noise heralded the approach an elevator.
The elevator door hissed open, and a small green seemingly amphibious creature flopped out. The creature moaned, in a suspiciously familiar Scottish voice:
"Cap'n, we're fishies!"
***
Birk's consciousness returned. He looked up to see the smiling face of Emergency Medical Hologram Kelly.
"Feeling better now, Captain?" the hologram asked.
"What…" demanded the captain, "happened?"
"It appears that the Worp Drive has a strange side effect," said Kelly happily. "It speeds up the evolution of living things. Isn't that marvellous?"
"You…mean that…I…evolved?"
"Yes. You humans all 'evolved' into small unintelligent amphibious organisms (which says a lot about the human race), Mr-"
"Miss, actually!" came a voice (although the last syllable distorted and became the sound of a gurgling drain).
"-Frock," continued the doctor, "evolved into a wash-basin, etc. etc. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to see to the engine (i.e. hamster), it's evolved into a hyper-intelligent, multi-dimensional being of pure energy." The hologram walked away.
Birk looked around the room. He tried to identify the creatures on the other beds. The overweight amphibian was almost certainly Snotty, the amphibian with strange eyes must have been Sooloo, the one that was trying to stick its head into a power-socket was definitely McCoyscrisps, the amphibian with wings was probably Vokcehc…
On sighting one particular amphibian a pang of emotion shot through his body and came to rest in his groinal area. This in itself wasn't unusual; the strange thing was that he couldn't even recognise the creature. Oh well, no doubt it would come back to him later. He returned to his inspection of the crew.
The wash-basin opposite him was Frock, the egg in the bed next to her (or him) was probably the Meringuie that ran the bar, the nail-brush in the next bed bore a striking resemblance to Elbowlix, th-
Then it hit him.
The unidentified amphibian was the black-woman-with-the-ridiculous-earings-that-no-one-can-ever-remember-the-name-of! He remembered that as an unintelligent amphibian, his animal instincts had taken over and he had… Again, his groin reacted with an unmistakable meaning. Birk smiled in satisfaction.
But…what were those small white things in the tank of water next to her bed?
Uh oh…
There was a crackle of static and a slightly distorted, yet triumphant, Dr. Kelly strolled up to Birk. "You ar~zz~e back to y~xxxxz~our old se~x~e~zzz~el~z~e~xxz~lf again (well… al~xzzx~l most), and I am q~zwzzx~uickly running out o~zz~f beds." The doctor's holographic form flickered and became partially transparent, and – for a moment – Birk could see the reason of his triumph. Through Kelly's non-existent hand, Birk could see the engine (hamster) was back in its old form again.
"Are you go~zzzzqz~ing to ans~qxsxxz~wer, or do I have to~zzzx~ repeat my~zzx~ my~xxzx~ m~xxz~ m~m~m~xxxzxxzxzqqxzxzx~ A fatal error has occurred at 0:00000000007dn. Press any key to terminate the current application. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del to restart your computer." With that, the Doctor vanished. The hamster he had been holding fell to the ground and scurried away.
Birk tried to lift himself up with his arms.
On discovery that his right arm was still a flipper, he lifted himself up by other methods, and approached the bed of the-woman-with-the-rediculous-earings-that-no-one-knows-the-name-of. An inspection of the tank next to her confirmed his fears: the small white things were eggs… he was a father……
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…OOOOOOOO-" he cried, and then got the wind knocked out of him as the ship rocked back and forth.
***
Birk though about rousing Dr. McCoyscrisps first, but decided against it. That would only cause more trouble. Better to chain Boner up and fill him with sedatives.
The Captain Instead awoke Frock ("What are you doing in a ladie-[gurgle gurgle]-s bed chamber?"), and acquired her (?) help in devolving those of the crew that he needed: Vokcehc for his extensive intelligence, honed to perfection in the University-of-Transylvania (thunderclap). Sooloo for his knowledge of the controls. Snotty for his engineering skill. And Elbowlix because he was hungry.
***
"Mr…Snott. Have you…established the problem…with…the main…view-screen…yet. And, if…so, can you fix…it?"
"The problem seems te be… a small piece o' bloodi' chewin'-gum, Cap'n," replied the engineer. "Ah reckon Ah c'n sort it out, but it could tek hours. If Ah ever git me 'ands on 'ooever stuk it there, Ah'll jump up 'n' down on 'im, Ah will!"
Birk gulped, it had been his chewing-gum. "Well…keep working…on it. Mr. Vokcehc…why does…the…ship keep shaking?"
"I haff told you before, it is COUNT Vokcehc!"
"Of…course, of course…but what…is it?" repeated the frustrated captain.
"Ze only explanation I can zink up is zat ve are being shot at. And viz qvite significant fire-pover!"
"Very…good, Count. Now…Sooloo, we…are…being shot at…and we…need…to get away, can…you do…that?"
Sooloo wasn't even listening.
"Get…us out…of here!" Birk said again.
Sooloo still ignored him.
Birk gave up on Sooloo and sat back in his luxurious captain's chair. "Elbowlix, where's…that…sandwich?"
"I've got it right here, Captain." Elbowlix, nose-rings clattering, delivered the sandwich. The Captain raised the object to his lips, but before he could take a bite: "Would you like shome light mushic with your food?"
"Err…no…thanks," said Birk, he had heard Elbowlix' 'light music' before.
"Aww, come on! Jusht a little!" insisted Elbowlix.
Every one of Birk's senses (especially hearing) screamed a negative answer. But Birk, feeling sorry for the brush-haired alien, agreed.
Elbowlix grovelled his thank-yous for a few seconds, pulled an electric guitar seemingly from nowhere, and began to play. Every piece of glass in the room shattered, a large crack appeared down the centre of the main view-screen, causing Snotty to howl in annoyance, and Frock got stuck halfway between sexes. Birk stuffed a piece of sandwich in each ear, clenched his teeth and sat the ordeal out.
Elbowlix jumped up and down on all the furniture, hollering some punk chant all the while, when he abruptly stopped.
Birk took the unique opportunity to wolf down the sandwich very quickly. He then realised that the rest of the crew were staring at the view screen, which Snotty must have fixed for it was now working. Upon the screen (separated by the large crack down the middle) was what looked like the entire Vegon fleet.
Elbowlix finally broke the silence by saying: "Ish now a good time to tell you that the shandwich wash actually a Big Mac?"