Mystery Gamer Theater 3000
In a not to distant future
Somewhere in between TR1 and 5
Lara and her worthless friends,
Were caught in a nasty place
Lalala
Natla put them in the farthest of the Artics
To let them suffer and mock bad fics
They're there because Lara is an annoyer
And she went and offed her employer
"I'll send them cheesy stories."
"The worse I can find!"
"They'll have to sit and read them all,
and I'll monitor their minds!"
Lalala
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the torture begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of
Powerful drug-esque friends
Oddly named peoples Roll Call
Jeeves (quick, get the Pepto-Bismol!)
Darc'i (crap, I seem to have misplaced me gun…)
Regina (Shootin' stuff *bang!* shootin' stuuuuuuuuf! *BOOM!* Oops.)
If your wondering how they're still alive
Just remember to breathe and close your eyes
It really just still a stupid show
And you should really just relax
Mystery Gamer Theater 3000!
We see Lara walking out side to the back of the facility; she is carrying a large garbage bag. She comes around the side of the building to a dumpster, there is someone rummaging around in it.
Lara: What the he-CID?!?
Yes indeed it is Cid, form FF7, oh the crossover possibilities!
Cid: !
Lara: !
Cid: *runs away with an armful of garbage.*
Lara: Uhhhh, oh well. *tosses her garbage bag back into the dumpster and scurries back inside*
Lara: Hmmmm…
Regina: What?
Lara: Oh, nothing, what are you watching?
Darc'I: Tomb Raider movie…
Lara: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU MISCREANTS!!!!!!!!! *grabs the DVD player and flings it out a window, then wipes her hands frantically on the pants* UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
Regina: Um, sorry about that. You alright?
Lara: *gasping* Yeah, fine.
Darc'I: We were going to mock it, we swear.
Lara: Were you? Were you really?
Darc'I&Regina: …Yes.
Just then the big button flashes, Darc'I gives it a wack.
Natla: Hello everyone, I just…*looks back and forth at them* what happened to you?
Lara: Nothing, whada want?
Natla: Well, I've got a new fan fic! Now that Larson has fixed the theater you will of course be watching it in there. Get going.
Regina: Wait, what is it about?
Natla: He, he, he, Mwahahahaha, BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Ho, ho, oh boy, you'll see.
All: *looks of doubt*
The lights start flashing and such,
Lara: Ugh, but I still need to wash my hands!
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater
As usual the girls go in this order: Regina right, Lara middle, and Darc'I left.
Tomb Raider: Lara Croft
Lara: Uhhh, what the hell is this?
Regina: It's 'Tomb Raider: Lara Croft', you know, it must be a tr fan fic.
Lara: Still, that name doesn't sound right…it sounds…backwards…or something…
Here's to the Night
Darc'I: Here's to the nIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIght! Most beautiful NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Regina&Lara: *claps hands over ears*
"The Eye of Grotto.
Lara: Who the hell is Grotto? Sounds like some unpleasant disease.
Made by a high priest for Ramses. Supposedly, Ramses
disappears before its completion,
Lara: His views on the topic was 'eh, screw this, only gonna get stolen by some British woman in a few thousands years anyway'
followed by the maker
Regina: They had pace makers back then? *looks at Lara*
Lara: Uhhhh, not that I know of…
and the necklace." The speaker
pressed a button, and the slides changed.
Darc'I: To a rather compromising picture of him *cough*.
Regina: (as speaker) Ahem, uh, hehe, wrong picture.
Alex West
Lara: That name…sounds…familiar…
Regina&Darc'I: *glance uneasily at each other then Lara*
stood in the back of the room, arms crossed, and let his mind wander.
Regina: yes, you know how hard it is to keep a MAN's attention.
He was five grand in debt to a foreign buyer,
Darc'I: Damn them booze is expensive.
having sold a fake relic. He had to find that
eye, and pay off the debt.
Lara: But then, he had so many other debts, this would just barely scratch the surface anyway. Thus, he wasn't trying very hard.
"The hieroglyphs are in Cairo, Egypt." That comment caught Alex's attention.
Darc'I: There's booze in Cairo…
He knew what he needed to find this thing.
Lara Croft sped her motorcycle down the street.
Lara: The winds pulling the flesh off me cheeks and showing off my glossy teeth, damn gee forces.
What could that decitful Alex
West want from her now?
Darc'I: Booze!
Lara: Spell check!
Regina: Brains….mmmm, her delicious braiiiinnnnnsssss….
"Lara! Hey!" Alex called, waving her over.
Regina: Lara was unable to stop the bike in time and hit him, smearing his guts blood and what little there was of his brain all over the sidewalk. The end!
Lara managed a slight smile.
Darc'I: Very hard to do when you've had gee forces pulling at your face.
"Mr. West," she said.
"Oh, don't be so formal, Lara!"
Lara: I'll be as formal as I damn wanna be!
he said, realizing that Lara wasn't about to greet
him with open arms.
Lara: I was going to greet him with broken arms, those being his of course.
"What do you want from me?" she asked coolly.
Regina: So cold her lips froze.
Lara: Crap, hate it when that happens.
Alex's expression instantly changed. "Lara, I need your help," he began.
Darc'I: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE! I NEED BOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!
"Sounds familiar," Lara muttered.
"Cut it out, Lara," Alex snapped. "This is important!"
Lara: Suuuuuure it is, if it's your debts were paying then it's important, but if were talking about my debts…
"Excuse me. Continue."
"Anyway, I'm in trouble. I need you to help me to find the Eye of Grotto."
"The Eye of Grotto?" Lara said, fighting to keep the fear out of her voice.
Regina: Or the laughter!
"You've heard of it?"
Darc'I: No, I'm just a big wussy.
Lara: Hey!
Regina: *whispering to Darc'i* Watch it…
"Alex, you can't go after it. It's dangerous!" she exclaimed, getting curious stares
from passerby.
Lara: But then I always get stares from weirdo people walking down the street, it's odd you know, like they've never seen someone carrying their groceries and several guns at once…
"Dangerous? Really, Lara. I've never seen you act like this. Lara? Lara, are you all
right?" he asked, as her face paled.
Lara: Nah, Regina is really the pale one here.
Regina: Hey! Were all getting pale here, well expect Darc'I, it is the artic for christ's sake!
"I, yes... No,"
Lara: No, yes, no, yes, give me a sec…
Lara whispered, as she began to sway.
Darc'I: To much booze…
Regina&Lara: Enough already!
The Eye. Beware of the Eye
of Grotto...
Regina: *in a flu immunization voice* Get your vaccine today!
"Lara!" Alex yelled, as she fainted.
Lara: Humph, I never faint, get knock out maybe, pass out rarely, but never faint. Who is this guy any way?
Beware the Eye... Beware.... Danger lurks around he who disturbs it... Beware the
Eye of Grotto...
BEWARE!
Regina: Get You Immunizations Today!!!
"Lara, come here my child!" a voice called.
Lara: No!
Young Lara Croft ran into the arms of her father. "Yes, Daddy?"
Lara: Wait…'daddy?' What the fu-…
"Listen to me, Lara. Don't go after the Eye of Grotto!" His face tightened. "Don't
go, my child!"
Lara: Hey now…!
Regina&Darc'I: Now Lara, don't freak…
"Lara!"
"Lady Croft?"
"Hey, Lara!"
She recognized those voices. "Hilly... Bryce... Alex?" she mumbled, trying to sit
Lara: *jumps up* What the hell is this!?! That's it! Get me the hell out of here!
Regina: *following Lara* Lara! Wait!
Darc'I: Hold up guys!
0…1…2…3…4…5…6…living room
Lara bustles in with the other two on her heels, she spins around to face them.
Lara: I WANT ANSWERS! AND I WANT THEM NOW!
Regina: um, well, uhhh
Darc'I: Ahh, hmm, we, uh…
Lara: *points her finger at them* You both knew what it was from the start! Didn't you! Didn't you! Hmmm, I refuse to read anymore of that fic!
Both: What!
Regina: You can't do that! Natla will have won then!
Lara: I'm sorry, but I just can't…I'm leaving now, I'll be back after the…'fic'
Lara walks off to her room and locks herself in, Darc'I and Regina stare wide eyed after her.
Regina: What are we going to do now?
Darc'I: Oh man, I don't know…
Suddenly the button starts flashing.
Regina: Oh no! We can't answer that! She'll know what happened!
Darc'I: Wait, I've got a plan, we'll tell her that Lara got sick.
Regina: How?
Darc'I: Uh, going out side inadequately dressed?
Regina: Lara!? She'll never believe it!
Darc'I: It's our only option! *slaps the button*
Natla: Why are you taking a break so early?
Darc'I: It's Lara, she isn't feeling too well…
Natla: Lara? Not feeling well? How did this happen?
Regina: She went out in the cold.
Natla:…Lara? A cold? The woman who runs around in the winter in a tank top and shorts? What is this, some sort of joke?
Darc'I: No, seriously, she's sick.
Regina: We swear! Now, uh, anything else?
Natla: Um, no, get your butts back in there and read…uh, humph that is all.
Both: Whew!
Regina: That was ridiculously close! We gotta do something!
Lights begin to flash.
Darc'I: Well worry about it latter, let's go!
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater.
Regina and Darc'I sit down, Darc'I to the left and Regina to the right, but now we will cut back to outside the building. Cid is sneaking around, he comes to the front door. Glancing around he carefully opens it and goes in…
up. She recognized her room.
Regina: No she didn't actually, she was just faking.
How had she gotten home? The last thing she remembered
was being in the auction hall.
Darc'I: Falling down drunk…
"Can you guys leave us alone for a minute?" she heard Alex ask.
Regina: (as Jolie) No! Please! I don't want to be left with this freak! I want my Billy Bob!
Hillary and Bryce exited the room.
"Lara, what happened?" he asked softly.
Darc'I: (as Jolie) The bastards in make-up over stuffed my bra and I fell over.
"I... don't know," she breathed. A throbbing pain behind her temples.
Darc'I: Must…find…blood…soon…
She squeezed
her eyes shut, and she felt Alex's hand on her shoulder.
Regina; Ah! Get it off me! Billy Bob!
"Hey, it's all right. Lara, can I ask you a question?"
???: Hell no.
We see a dark figure in the doorway to the theater.
Regina: Lara? Is that you?
???: N-*higher voice* yes! *takes a drag from a cigarette.*
Darc'I: Since when did you start smoking?
???" Uh…
Regina: That's not Lara! Get 'im!
Darc'I: Arrgh!
Both of them jump on ??? and, after tying him up, flick on a light switch.
Both: Cid! What are you doing here?
Cid: Uhhhh…
Both: How did you get here!?
Cid: Hehe, you see, it's a funny story really, uh, I sorta ticked Tifa off and she shot me outta the Junon cannon.
Both:…
Cid: So, you wanna untie me or what?
Regina: Oh, sorry. *unties him* You wanna help us mock this?
"Sure," she said, regaining her composure.
Darc'I: Not you Jolie.
They all sit down.
"Have you ever thought about, well, us?"
Cid: What? Us what? Oh don't keep me in suspense!
Regina: I already did that I think.
"Yes, I have."
Darc'I: No, wait, I haven't.
Regina: *sigh* Not the same without Lara.
Shock registered on his face. "You... have?"
Cid: Didn't I just say no?
"Yes."
Regina: Hey, they sure seem to be agreeable.
"Okay. So, are we still going to Egypt?"
Darc'I: Hey dumbass! She never agreed to that! Not that we care whether the two of you live or die…
"Alex, I can't go after that eye!" Lara said.
He stared at her. "Why not?"
"Alex, I saw my father. He told me not to go after it!"
Cid: Good god woman! You gonna let your father rule you from beyond the grave? You suck!
"Lara, we have to!" he argued. "It's just like you to bring your father into
everything!"
Regina: yeah! Daddy this! Daddy that! I'm so damn sick of your daddy I'm gonna puke! Uh, you using that vase…?
"Don't you dare talk about my father!" Lara yelled.
Cid: Nagh, nagh, nagh, nagh, nagh, nagh! You father! Your dad sucks! I am so great! You suck too! Nagh nagh!
Alex clamed down a bit. "Lara, we have to go after it!" he explained.
Darc'I: That's not much of an explanation.
Cid: Yeah, didn't he just want it for his &$%@*ing debts?
Darc'I: Hey, how long have you been here? You didn't even see that part!
Cid: *takes another drag from his cigarette* I guessed.
"We can't!
Regina: Man, we get the point! Stop repeating yer selves!!!
Alex, terrible things will happen if we disturb it!"
Darc'i: Yee ha! Lets go poke it!
Panic rose in her
voice.
Regina: Actually, it was more laughter.
He rose to his feet. "Lara, what's the matter with you? I've never ever seen you like
this! We have to!"
Lara reached out and grabbed Alex's wrist with a surprisingly strong hand. "We
can't," she said.
Cid: *as West*(^%)! How many @^%$!ing times are they gonna repeat that? And let go of me!
"Then I'll go, if you're so afraid of it," Alex said, struggling against her. "Let me
go, Lara!"
Darc'I: Alright, so long!
Regina: See yah latter! Hate yah lots!
Cid: Don't come back now!
"No! Alex, please, no!" Lara pleaded, tightening her grip.
"Lara, you're acting like a child!"
"Don't you see?" she said. "Alex, I care about you more than you'll ever know! I
don't want to lose you!"
"La... What?"
"I love you, Alex. I don't want anything to ever happen to you," she blurted out.
Regina: Billy Bob has been cheating on me!
Darc'I: I need your blood!
"Lara, I... I have to go," he said, using his free hand to pry her fingers off of his
wrist.
Cid: Erk, can't…feel…hand…let….go!
"Alex..." she whispered, feeling tears sting her eyes. She hadn't cried about
anything in ages.
Darc'I: Yeah, after eating all those little Cambodian children she thought she was immune to anything.
"Lara, please. Don't do this to me," Alex said.
"I... Fine, go, leave me like everyone else that I've ever loved!" She rolled on her
side away from him.
"Lara, I-"
"If you want it that badly, go."
"La-"
Cid: Hey, he's just trying to sing the MST3K opening theme song, give him a break.
"Just go," she whispered, as her small frame
Regina: Small frame? Well, I can think of a place it ain't that small.
Cid: Can't…cover chest, with…blanket!
Darc'I: Too…much…stuffing!
shook with silent tears under the
blanket.
He opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind.
Cid: His vocabulary was even more limited than Billy Bob Thortons.
He walked to the door, and
just before opening it, he said one last thing. "I love you, too, Lara."
Regina: *as Jolie* That's a lie and you know it! Who could ever love a freak like me? Well, other that Billy Bob…but he's a yokel! He doesn't know the diffrence!
Her sobs became more evident,
Darc'I: The blanket was really heavy and she couldn't breath.
as he stepped out of the room, pushing past Bryce
and Hillary, who
Cid: Were standing at the top of the stairs and fell down.
Regina&Darc'I: Ow! Oh! Son of a! Crap! Mommy! Fu-! Aye! What the! Wowza!
guiltily jumped back from the door.
Hillary dashed into the room after Alex had left, and Bryce had followed him.
"Lady Croft?"
"Please, just leave me alone..." she choked out.
"But-"
"Leave me alone."
Regina; Damn! This person just doesn't know when we got the frikining point!!!
Bryce shushed Hillary,
Cid: i.e.: smacked him upside the head.
Darc'I: This lead to a little tussle at which point Hillary got a bloody nose and swollen eye. Bryce got a chipped front tooth and got kicked in the groin.
and they left the room, leaving the girl alone with her
misery.
Regina: Her complete and utter misery, not eating, cutting her self, the list goes on and on!
"Hey!" Bryce yelled. "West!"
Cid: No! East!
Regina: South!
Darc'I: Wait! No! North!
Alex didn't slow his pace.
Cid: Until he tripped on his shoelace and fell flat on his face.
"Stop this bloody minute!" he yelled, grabbing Alex's shoulder and whirling him
around.
Regina: Unfortunately he was walking with his fist out for some reason and hit Bryce in his already battered face thus giving him ANOTHER chipped tooth.
Darc'I: Not, that the brits teeth weren't already in disrepair. No one really noticed.
"What?"
Regina: Huh?
Darc'I: Who?
Cid: Where?
Regina: What?
Darc'I: Why?
"What did you say to her?" Bryce demanded. He loved Lara like a brother, and he
wasn't going to let West get away with this.
Regina: Well, actually, he was just a wussy little computer freak and so there wasn't much he could do…but still!
"What in bloody hell did you say to her?"
"I told her that I love her," Alex said. "But I have to go."
Darc'I: Gota pee! Gota go, gota go, gota go!
He climbed into his car, and Bryce stared after him in disbelief.
"Lara, dear. Would you like some tea?" Hillary called, lightly tapping on the door.
Cid: Some lovely tea laced with cyanide, err, uh, peppermint? ^%#@* now I got to go put something else in it so she isn't suspicious!
Regina: Yes! I want my damn tea!
Darc'I: Did you remember the blood!? Iiiiiiiiii neeeeeeeeeeeed bloooooooooooooood!
Lara hadn't emerged from her room in two days, and he was beginning to worry.
Darc'I: Yes, there wasn't a bathroom in there; he really didn't want to clean any messy stuff up.
He heard
the way that she cried herself to sleep every night, and there was nothing that he could do
about it.
Regina: Well, other than go in there and try to comfort her, but of course that wasn't the sorta person he was. He was being paid to keep house, not play social worker!
"Come in," Lara said faintly.
Cid: *standing up stretching* No thanks, we were just leaving.
Regina: yeah, screw you Jolie.
Darc'I: Lets go check up on the REAL Lara.
They all walk out
Cid: Humph, you still need to show me what happened to her.
0…1…2…3…4…5…6…reck room.
As the group walks in a bit of rather manic laughter is heard echoing through the halls. Regina and Darc'I look at each other worriedly.
Darc'I: Better bring a weapon.
Cid: I doubt that that is really (%*^ing necessary!
Regina: Hooboy, you don't know. Darc'I, go find something.
Darc'I trots off and comes back a few minutes latter with three helmets and a big pole (see my second one: MST3K: Legia? What the hell is a Legia?)
Regina: The bomb pole? Right, well, lets go! *puts on her helmet*
Darc'I: I'll lead the way! *puts on her helmet* Cid, put yours on!
Cid: Nah, it'll muss my hair.
Darc'I: *shrugs* Your head, not mine.
The brave trio marches off to Lara's room, Darc'I timidly knocks on the door and readies the bomb pole. There is a few moments of silence then:
Lara: …what?
Regina: Uh, hi! It's us! How you doin' in there? Cid dropped by to take your place!
Lara:…oh.
Regina: So, you wanna let us in?
Lara:…okay.
Darc'I raises the pole above the door to hit Lara when she comes out but Regina quickly shakes her head. Darc'I looks a bit crestfallen. Lara sticks her head out the door just a bit, looks up and down the hall, the frantically motions everyone inside the room. After everyone hustles inside Lara locks the door and piles stuff on top of it.
Lara: Whew! All right, I've been working on a battle plan. Come see. *she goes to a desk and pulls out a large blue print of the facility* Alright, when they hit we will have gunners here and here, if we need reinforcements we'll have to call someone…
Darc'I: Uh, Lara? Just who is coming, exactly?
Lara: Fool, *twitch* paramount…and their *twitch* sock puppets.
Cid: *jumps* Huh!? Where!? I…oh.
Regina: Why are they coming?
Lara: Because we made fun of the Tomb Raider movie, they must destroy us. They have their most deadly weapon…Jolie and her *twitch*…her lips!!! We'll all be killed!
Cid: Uh, Lara? Wh-why do they have s-sock p-puppets…?
Lara: I have no idea, anyways, as I was saying…
Darc'I: *taking Lara gently by the shoulders* Alright, that's enough outta you, now lets have a nice little nap and everything will be better in the morning…
Lara: But!
Darc'I: No more arguing, go to sleep! And I want this room aired out, it smells funny. Now g'night.
They shove a struggling Lara into bed and turn out the lights, leaving the door open behind them. Back in the reck room…
Regina: Oie, oie, oie! Lets hurry and finish this up, the sooner we get that fic out of here the sooner Lara will snap outta it. I hope.
Darc'I: Alright, back to the theater I guess, but do you think it's safe to leave her alone?
Cid: Sure, didn't seem to be doing too much damage! &$(&, if she stays in bed I don't think we'll have any worries! Now less go.
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater.
She sat on the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around her
legs.
Regina: Her head spinning and spewing green pea soup…
Darc'I&Cid: Ewww!
A nearly empty tissue box dangled from her hands, and she stared numbly at the wall.
Cid: *as Jolie* The wall, it's so, so, its just amazing! That's what it is! It's so smooth, and flat, and colored… Wallllllll…droolsssssss…
Lara's eyes were puffy and red,
Darc'I: She had finally gotten her blood. Now she needed brainsssss…delicious brainsssssssssss!
and her long brown hair hung limply down her back,
Regina: She doesn't have brown hair!
Cid: Yeah, it's ($%^ing black!
Darc'I: It's even darker that mine! See! See! *shoves her hair in Regina's face*
Regina: For chirst's sake! It's pitch black! I can't see a thing, now stop it!
in
desperate need of washing.
Cid: Not that she wasn't always in need of washing, her whole body that is… not just the hair.
She responded to Hilly's knock, in a voice that she didn't even
recognize as her own.
Regina: It was, she had switched back to her American yahoo voice again by accident.
Cid: And boy oh boy was 'Hilly' shocked to hear some damn yahoo voice issuing from the bedroom of a supposedly British woman!
Alex was gone.
Darc'I: Hallelujah! Ding-dong the warlock's gone!
She wouldn't see him again.
Cid: She had eaten her eyeballs out.
Darc'I: Owwie!!
She had told him her deepest feelings
and he still left her.
Darc'I: *as Jolie* I want your blood! Oh, and, uh, I love you?
Cid: *as West* Okay, your getting freaky, I'm outta here!
She didn't know why she felt like this about his leaving. She wasn't
ever like this. Unsure of herself,
Regina: That explains her cutting and mutilating her self.
unable to eat,
Darc'I: There's where her father had to force-feed her.
to think about Alex
Regina: *cough* Billy bob! *cough*
without breaking down.
And she knew that Hillary and Bryce were worried about her.
Cid: But since she was so damn stupid she had managed to stock the house with a plethora of worthless people, but managed to forget the social worker. D'oh!
She could hear it in their
whispered conversations as they passed her door,
Regina*whisper* So, you think she's dead yet?
Darc'I: *whisper* Gee, I don't know, she hasn't eaten for a while now…
Regina: *whisper* Alright! Lets sack her room!
Darc'I: Yeah!
the way that they constantly checked on
her every few hours or so.
Regina: Opps, uh, hem, we thought you were dead!
Darc'I: Yeah, we'll just come back latter then…
Hilly had even gone so far as to call the doctor, who could find
virtually nothing wrong with her.
Cid: The key word here being 'virtually'.
Regina: yeah, except for the cuts, gouges, lack of eyeballs and body fat, and finally the desperate need of a bath, there wasn't a thing wrong!
He called it stress.
Darc'I: New fangled expression that, it means when someone goes and has a freak out, in Jolies' case over something relatively stupid.
Bloody stress. Dammit, she
Regina: Wanted her blood!
Cid: But the doc had told her to cut back and 'Hilly' had hidden the supply.
didn't get stressed out. This was something worse.
Darc'I: Like mental insatiability, but being the quack he was the doctor couldn't figure it out even when she bit him.
Something deep within her. She could feel Alex's hand on her arm, though she knew he
wasn't there. Damn him.
Cid: *singing* I damn you, you damn me, we're a dysfunctional family!
He had said, "I love you, too, Lara," and he had still gone.
Regina: Run outta the house by her crazy butler and computer freak/pet.
Alex shoved some clothes haphazardly into a worn leather bag,
Darc'I: Did he steal it from the real Lara?
Regina: Depends on how much he can fit inside of it.
his mind anywhere
but in his dingy apartment.
Cid: He was so drunk that it was hard to keep his mind on where he was exactly…
He couldn't get his mind off Lara, and how she had begged him
not to go.
Darc'I: how she had needed his blood, that was the part he couldn't figure out, too creepy!
He'd never heard her act like that, never seen her cry before. It scared him,
Regina: With good reason! Although, frankly I'd just be plain scared of her in general.
that
somewhere in that rock-solid woman he had struck a nerve.
Cid: *as west* smack!
Regina: *as nerve* Ow!
And now she'd never be the
same.
Alex shut the bag, and snatched his plane ticket off the counter.
Darc'I: But it was stuck to something sticky he had forgotten to wipe up and it torn in half.
Cid: Oh shit!
"Flight 223 to Cairo, Egypt now boarding at Gate C. Rows 10-21 only."
Regina: This is a reminder to all people leaving ailing loved ones behind: We ARE doing our best to make you feel your worse! That means you MISTER WEST.
Alex stared down at his ticket. Row 7.
"Excuse me? Mr. Alex West?" asked a man's voice.
Darc'I: Uh, no, it's Bond, James Bond.
"Yes?"
Cid: No?
"You have to go see her. Something is terribly wrong."
Darc'I: *in Mr. T voice* Who you talkin' 'bout foo!?
The Eye of Grotto glowed from its resting place, awakened by the thoughts of two
young people.
Regina: Damn youngins!!! I'll have their hides to curse!
It focused its energy on the woman, weak, pale.
Alone.
Cid: And dumb.
Darc'I: And boring.
Regina: And stupid.
"See who?" Alex asked, although he dreaded the answer.
Darc'I: He had already TOLD his landlord he didn't have the money! Just give him another week or two!
"Lady Croft."
Cid: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *gasp*
Regina: *pats cid on the back* Wow, I think that's the longest 'no' we've ever had!
Darc'I: And now, the next part of the story.
Regina: *deep breath* Nooo-
Cid: *takes a drag from his cigarette again* Don't even try to beat me.
Lara coughed again, bile rising in the back of her throat.
Regina: Delicious bile…mmmmm.
She swallowed it back.
What was happening to her?
Regina: She didn't get her immunization!
A sharp pain in her stomach caused her to moan, and she
curled into a ball, clutching her abdomen.
Darc'I: All…body…fat…leaving….body! Aiiie, Billy Bob!!!
She lay like that for several minutes, coughing
and sniffling.
Cid: *in stuffed up voice* Damn flu!
"I don't know what's wrong with her.
Regina: I'm just a quack! I admit it! Waaah!
It looked like pneumonia at first, but it's not.
Cid: Well, at least he can tell when something isn't something else, it's a start.
She's got a temperature of 114 degrees Fahrenheit, the chills, the sweats, abdominal pain,
coughing, unable to digest anything, dry heaves, and a fever.
Regina: *ticking things off on her fingers* seizures, hallucinations, puking, malaria, mad cow disease, bulimia, anorexia, athletes foot, no eyes, dangerously puffed lips, balding, the bubonic plague, small pox, typhus, an under developed brain, oh, and of course, she should be dead.
But it's all wrong for all these
symptoms to come on at once.
Darc'I: Well, apparently they were willing to make and exception in her case.
Pneumonia, they all come in stages. Not full blown in the
beginning." The doctor scratched his balding head.
Cid: And managed to knock out another clump.
Regina: *as doc* Oh shit!!!
"I've never seen anything like it."
Regina: And I never want to again, g'bye!
"What can you do?" Bryce asked.
Darc'I: Tranquilizer darts!
"I'll prescribe some antibiotics, and give her a shot of penicillin before I leave.
Cid: Now hand me the elephant gun!
Make sure she gets plenty of fluids, orange juice, apple juice, stuff like that. No milk. It'll
upset the stomach even more."
Regina: *as Hillary* Check, got to get lots of milk into her Bryce! Come help me!
The doctor removed a syringe from his bag and tore off
the plastic wrapping. He filled it with liquid, and
Cid: And loaded it into the elephant gun, taking careful aim he attempted to hit Jolie in her skinny ass but missed and hit a lip.
Regina: *as doc* Oh god! I hit an air duct! Duck and cover!!!
All: Ahhh! BOOOOOOOM!!!
swabbed a sterile alcohol rub over Lara's
arm. "This is going to sting a little, Lara,"
All: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Damn that hurts!
he said, and gently stuck the needle in her arm.
Lara flinched as the needle went in, but didn't cry out.
"Where is she?" Alex demanded.
Cid: Uh, where's who?
"She's upstairs," Hillary replied, as they raced into the house. Alex took the stairs
two at a time, and
Regina: Lost his balance at the top.
Darc'I: Whooooooooooa! *bonk*
burst into Lara's room.
Darc'I: And tripped over the doctor who was now extremely pissed.
"Lara?" he said, going immediately to her side. The doctor snapped his bag shut
Cid: On his finger, at which point he began bellowing and swearing and just caused a general ruckus.
and left, followed by Bryce.
"Alex? Is that you?" Her voice was so soft, so faint.
Regina: Awwww! Isn't it cute?! She's dreaming!
"Yeah, it's me. When Hillary came and got me at the airport, I thought the worst.
What happened?"
Cid: Wait a *$(^ing second here! I thought that it was the voices in his head that dragged him back here.
Darc'I: Yeah, that's sortta what I had thought too.
Regina: Yup.
"No one knows. The doctor's never seen..." Lara coughed, and then continued.
Darc'I: You mean hocked up a liver coughed? Or just coughed coughed?
Cid: I think that's hocked up a lung, not liver.
Regina: It's gross either way.
"Anything like this. I feel...
Cid: Like singing! IF YOU HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS! IF AND YOU KNOW IT…
Regina&Darc'I: For cripes sake Cid! Shut it!
Alex, this isn't me.
Regina: Yes, I have a confession to make…I'm not fit to be Lara Croft! Waaaaaah! Comfort me Billy Bob!
Darc'i: *as Billy Bob* There, there, have some blood.
I don't know what's happening, but all of a
sudden it's like I'm turning into some pathetic weakling. Why, Alex?"
Darc'I: Because everyone hates you that's why. I mean, come on, why else?
"I- I don't know, Lara. But you're going to be okay. Just fight it, and you'll be back
to that bad-ass girl that you are."
Cid: More like that no ass girl you are.
"Alex, it's the Eye. I told you not to disturb it."
"I didn't touch it, Lara! I swear," he said.
Regina: All right! All right! I just poked at it! I only tried to kill you! Is that so wrong!?
"You don't have to touch it. You were so dead set on getting it, that you
awakened its powers."
Darc'I: And now it's grouchy!
"Lara, I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted anything to happen to you,"
Alex said, slipping his hand into hers. "I never want anything to happen to you."
Cid: Well, you screwed that up didn't cha?
"It's too late to do anything, Alex.
Regina: Your screwed…
Darc'I: I'm screwed….
Cid: Were a screwed up family! With a great big…
Regina and Darc'I simultaneously hit Cid over the head to stop the singing.
You can't reverse what's been done.
Cid: *holding his hands over his head, and singing again* It's all been done! Lalalala! It's all been done!
Regina&Darc'I: Aiiiiiiiiiie! Shut up, shut up, shut up!
You can
only destroy the Eye, and hope that everything returns to normal," Lara said. She felt the
stinging pain in her stomach again, and she squeezed Alex's hand.
Darc'I: Aiiie! Not my hand again! Leggo! LEGGO!
Coughing followed, and
Regina: And a lung followed.
Darc'I: Liver.
Regina: *rolls eyes*
she felt his other hand brush stray hair off her face.
Cid: She instinctively bit it.
Regina: *as West* Dammit! Now stop that!
His hand was so cool against her fiery
skin...
Darc'I: *as West* My gads woman! My hands on fire! What have you got against my hand!?! Ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot!
"Lara, I'll destroy the Eye. And then we can have normal lives, okay?
Regina: Since when did they have normal lives?
Everything
will go back to the way it used to be, and it'll all be all right again. Okay, Lara?" Alex
asked, as her grip began to lessen on his hand. "Lara, fight. Fight this thing."
All: *chanting* Fight, fight, fight, fight! Wait a sec, lose, lose, lose, and lose!
"Damn you," she whispered, a flicker of a smile going across her lips. "I love you,
Alex."
Regina: Now give me your brains…you delicious braiiiiiinnnnssssss…
All: Braaaaiiiiiiinnnnsssssssssssssssss….
"Lara, don't talk like you're going to die.
Cid: Just because yah are doesn't mean you've got to be so damned closed mined about it.
Don't, 'cause you're going to live a long
life, and it'll all be good." He cleared his throat. "I love you, okay? I loved you since the
day I met you. Dammit, Lara. Don't you dare die on me!"
Darc'I: *as Jolie* I accept you challenge! Blargh! *various dying sounds*
"I don't know how much longer I can hold on, Alex... But I'll hold on as long as I
can..." Lara said softly. "As long as I can..."
All: Can, can, can, gotta go to the can, can, can…………………..
The Eye knew that the man-creature was going to destroy it.
Cid: Just try it buddy boy!
But the creature
would never get near to the Eye.
Darc'I: He would make his credit card become invalid thus making it impossible to get a plane ticket to Egypt! Mwahaha! It was truly the master plan!
Oh, it could always let the woman-creature live. It
would, but only after making both of them suffer so much that they wished that they were
dead...
Regina: And they needed Braaaiiiiinnnnssssssssssssssssssssssss!
Alex stared at the hieroglyphs.
Darc'I: And stared, and stared
Regina: Then he remembered he couldn't read hieroglyphics.
"Toward the river of light, following an endless
glow, a path awaits you there, leading you to the Eye of Grotto." He paused. "Not exactly
Shakespeare."
He scribbled the glyphs and the translation into a notebook, and mounted his
horse. "Hang on, Lara."
Cid: His horse was named 'hang on Lara'? That's…strange….
Regina: yeah, I think his fixation has become unhealthy.
"River of light? Oh, you must mean the Luna River. It's just thirty miles thataway."
Alex had his first clue.
Darc'I: Wait! What the hell was that!? Who said that!?
Cid: And how was it a clue!?
Regina: Plot holes! Ahhhh! Run for it! Convenient plot hooollllleesssssssssssss!
"Endless glow, eh? The sun never goes out, and when it's shining it glows on the
Luna River."
"Thanks," Alex said.
Cid: Humph, for nothing! Some one just told me that!
"River of light, endless glow, a path? Hmm."
Darc'I: You're a bigger idiot than I thought.
The cryptographer studied Alex's
scribbled notes.
Cid: I can't read this; you need to clean up your handwriting.
"Lucky you found me.
Regina: I'm cheap!
I know exactly where you want to go. It took me
thirty years to figure this one out."
Cid: *as West* Heh heh heh, sucker.
"So you know where the Eye of Grotto is?"
"Not the exact location. It's inside a pyramid, the Temple of Light. I'm a
cryptographer, not a daredevil. Take a plane. You're gonna need it."
Alex stared at the ground as the pilot flew.
Regina: It's, it's so, so…far away! Prettttyyyyyyyyy…
"So how much further is this place?" he
asked in Egyptian.
Darc'I: Oh gad, what a moron! There is no language called 'Egyptian'!
Cid: Yeah, isn't it Arabic?
Darc'I: Yeah.
"Ten, fifteen minutes more," the pilot replied, also in Egyptian.
Regina: There it is again, that magical non-existent language 'Egyptian' ohhhh!
The plane touched down a hundred yards away from the Temple. "I won't go any
further," the pilot had said. "Too dangerous."
Cid: *as west* But I don't want to walk that far! Carry me!
Regina: *as pilot* Aww, man! But you're heavy!
Meanwhile, Lara was growing weaker by the minute.
Darc'I: She shares our pain! I'm touched!
She couldn't even sit up
anymore, and someone had to lift her head so that she could drink through a straw. She
felt so helpless and pathetic.
Regina: Well, that's understandable, since she was…
"Please, just make it stop," she had begged Hillary, more than once when the
illness made her delusional.
Cid: It frightened Hillary so much that he ran away and hid in the bathroom leaving the tech freak to take care of her.
Hillary had just held her hand like he had done when she was a
little kid who woke up screaming from nightmares after her father died.
Cid: He had hated it then, and he hated it now. First taking care of a whiny spoiled little brat, now taking care of a bitchy young woman. Did the pain never end?!
"Shh, it's all right, Lara. It's all right." But, in the pit of his stomach, he knew that it
might not be all right.
Darc'I: In fact he hoped that it wouldn't be all right, he had found out she was leaving all her crap to them! They would be rich!
Regina: Make a name for themselves! Travel the world as the amazing tech freak and butler! I would be great!
The Eye drained more energy from that worthless human.
Darc'I: The worthless, worthless human, oh yeah, she is powering me though…
Alex felt a mosquito bite him and he swapped at it, his fingers coming away a little
bloody.
Regina: Ahhhhhhh! I'm…I'm…bleeding! A mosquito bit me! Mommy!
"Damn mosquitoes," he said.
A red light caught his eye
Cid: Hey! My eye, oh, oh! That burns!
at the end of the tunnel he was on. Breaking into a jog,
the flashlight bobbing up and down, he ran toward the light.
Darc'I: Yeah, he's heading toward a light, that flashlight is going to do A LOT of good.
The Eye saw the human coming closer to its energy barrier. Only the power of true
love could break down the wall...
Cid: *singing!* Ohhhhhhhh! The POOOOWWWER OOOOOOFFF LOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!
Regina&Darc'I: *sobbing* Cid! Please! Stop!
"Come on!" Alex yelled, slamming his hands against the force field.
Regina: Ow, ow! I'm being electrocuted! Wowza!
He could see
the Eye within the chamber, and a vision of Lara passed through his head. "Lara," he
whispered.
Darc'I: Then he took a closer look at the vision. *as West* Boy, does she need a bath!
The power of True Love. Did he actually possess it?
Cid: Of course he doesn't, don't be silly.
The Eye felt its barrier give as
the man sagged against it, consumed by sorrow for the fallen woman.
Regina: Bad woman! Bad man! I curse you both! You've both been very naughty for 'starring' in the TR movie; you made the badly animated stone monkey's look bad!
Alex leaned heavily against the barrier, burying his head in his hands. "Lara, I
tried!" he said. "I tried!"
Darc'I: And I screwed up miserably! I'm going home! Gonna try to get a role I the Resident Evil movie!
Then he felt the barrier bend inward. He jumped up and
Cid: Ran away like a little baby crying! Ha!
pressed
his hands against the barrier. It yielded to his touch, bending again.
Darc'I: Wow, those booze were stronger than I though!
He thought of Lara
again, and
Regina: Suddenly realized what he was doing. *as West* Noooo! Must not …break…barrier!
the red light slowly began to give more. "Lara, this is for you!" he yelled,
stepping backwards.
Cid: Then he tripped and broke his neck, luckily Jolie died a few days latter and peace blanket the whole earth, no, universe!
He ran toward the barrier as fast as he could.
Regina: He didn't realize it was a bad idea to hit things with this head, bad things followed.
A wave of intense pain washed over Lara.
Darc'I: Too…many…one sentence…paragraphs! Ahhh!
The barrier broke, and Alex lunged for the Eye.
Regina: But it was all slippery and…
Darc'I&Cid: Ewwww!
"AAGHH!" Lara screamed.
He grabbed the relic. It glowed, but he held onto it.
All: Oh no! It's glowing! That's a bad sign isn't it?
"Lara!" Hillary yelled.
Cid: *as Hillary* Before you die! Where did you hide the Cuban cigars!?
Darc'i: *as Bryce* And the imported booze!?
"This is for the one I love!" Alex hollered
All: *as West* Heehaw!
, pulling out his gun. He threw the Eye
up into the air. He aimed.
"Alex!" Lara shrieked.
BANG! The gun went off.
Regina: Accidentally, he got hit in the foot. Ow, huh?
Bull's eye. The Eye shattered,
Regina: Into gooey little bits…
Cid&Darc'I: Stop that!
and Alex watched as the pieces rained down onto
the ground.
"Alex," Lara said one more time. Then she fainted.
Darc'I: *as Jolie* Bring me his edibles!
The Eye felt itself being thrown. How could that man-creature have gotten
through the barrier? Then it saw no more.
Cid: You know, they never really explained how this inanimate object came to have a conciseness or who made it. Stupid really.
Regina: Welcome to the wonderful world of plot holes, no star accommodations and torture galore.
"Would you like anything to drink, sir?" the flight attendant asked Alex.
All: OH GOD YES!!! BOOZE, I NEED BOOOOZE!
"No, thank you," he said, staring out the window, tapping his fingers on the arm
rest.
Regina: Then he started pulling the stuffing out of the armrest…
Darc'I: *as stewardess* Please stop that, this plane is beat up enough as it is by hooligans like you!
He could barely sit still.
Cid: He had the runs.
He had to get home. He had to get back to Lara.
Cid: But maybe he could take a quick bathroom stop first…he hadn't peed in many hours.
"Are you sure you're up to this, Lady Croft?" Hilly asked, as they pulled up to the
airport entrance.
Regina: But we all know that Butler's can't drive and he managed to crash killing them all and leaving Bryce and incredible amount of wealth.
"I'm fine, Hilly. Don't be such a worrier."
"I can't help it," he explained.
Darc'I: These people don't give up much of an explanation for stuff.
Lara smiled. Color had returned to her cheeks, and her energy was back ten-fold.
Cid: Those pep pills were all she needed!
She bounded out of the car,
Regina: Tripped in front of a tramp and died horribly. The end!
and walked quickly inside, restraining herself from running.
"Excuse me," she said to the person at the ticket counter.
Darc'I: *in an annoyed over worked voice* WHAT!?
Cid: Yeah, you know how badly tempered those people are.
"Yes?"
"What gate is the 4:45 from Cairo?"
The woman glanced at her computer. "Gate 23-G."
"Thanks," Lara said. She walked off in the direction of the gate.
All: Go to hell!
"You're welcome!" the woman called.
All: Hey!
Alex made his way up the boarding ramp out into the terminal. He scanned the
crowd, and spotted the one person that he wanted to see more than anything. "Lara!"
"Alex?" Lara cried.
Regina: Billy Bob?
Darc'I: Mr.T?
Cid: Cloud Strife?
Regina: Michel Jordan?
Darc'I: Mr. Peanut?
Cid: Shara Karrigan?
Regina: Barney?
All: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
"Oh, thank God!" he exclaimed, sweeping her up in his arms.
Darc'I: And accidentally flinging her off an nearby ledge.
"I hoped and prayed
that everything would be all right!"
"Just one thing," Lara said.
"What?"
"Don't say, 'I told you so,'" she said, hugging him tightly.
Cid: Ark! Can't, breath! Cutting off circulation…to…neck! Let go!
"I won't." He tilted her chin up, and leaned down to her.
You can guess what happened next!
All: *in monotone vioce* Gee, no, really? What? More suspense?
Oh, really? You actually thought I was serious? Puh-leeze. This is Britain, not
Kentucky...
Regina: They still didn't tell us anything, talk about anti-climatic.
"Ready?" Lara asked, pulling out her .45s.
Cid: Is that an over sized bra or something?
Regina&Darc'I: *laughing* No!
"Ready," Alex replied.
Lara gave Bryce the thumbs up,
Darc'I: Then down, shake it all around! Yeah!
Regina: Quiet! Were almost done!
and she and Alex darted off into the simulation.
The thundering footsteps of a droid could be heard, followed by the sound of
multiple gunshots...
They all stand up and stretch, again. Cid lights a new cigarette.
Cid: It had gone haywire and was killing them, lets go!
Regina: I concur, and…oh crap! We forgot about Lara!
All: !!!
Our brave trio rush off to make sure Lara hasn't done anything scary…
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…rec room.
They come to see that all the window have been outfitted with guns, and it looks like a bunker.
Regina: Lara! Lara! Are you okay!? Where are you?
Lara comes out from the hall dressed in a camouflage outfit complete with green and black face paint on her cheeks.
Lara: Oh, hello everyone. Well, I think we are ready for the attack. Oh, Cid, I called your people over here to pick you up. They'll be here in a few.
Cid: Thanks, is Tifa coming with 'em?
Lara: Yes.
Cid: Erk!
Suddenly there is a knock on the door. Everyone follows Lara who creeps up to it, draws an UZI, and flings it open. The entire FF7 crew (sans Cid, who is hiding behind an annoyed looking Darc'I) is standing there looking cold.
Tifa: Lara! Long time no see!
Lara: Uh, huh.
Barret: Foo's! Let us in! It's cold out here dammit!
Lara: Oh! Of course, come in, come in.
Everyone comes in and piles into the rec room/bunker.
Areis: Uh, lovely decoration you've got here.
Darc'i: Was until Lara went, uh, a bit off.
Lara: I am not off! Paramount is coming!!!
Suddenly a shudder runs through the facility. Everyone stares at Lara.
Lara: I told you! I told you!
Cloud: Whada we do!? *runs around in circles* Oh god, ohgodohgodohgodohgod!!!!
Barret: I'll deal with spikey ass, you people take care of things here! *picks Cloud and drags him off to the theater to keep him outta trouble*
There are a few seconds of silence then a voice comes on a loud speaker:
Paramount: Attention! We are going to make our demands! You have mocked us, this will not be stood for! We demand…the Real Lara Croft! If you guys aren't satisfied with our choice of imposter we will have to make you pay! Obey or We will release the…JOLIE AND HER LIPS!!!
Everyone gasps and looks at Lara. Lara shakes her head in horror.
Lara: You can't sent me out there! They'll kill me!
Barret comes back.
Barret: What the hell happened?!?
Cait Sith: They've started bombing us! They want Lara!
Regina: Everyone calm down! There has to be a way out this! Now lets just think a second.
Everyone stand there thinking hard.
RedXIII: Alright, I think I have an idea…
All: WHAT?
RedXIII: We can send out a fake Lara, they're so stupid I don't think they'll know the difference.
Lara: Hmmm, that sounds like it would work…but who? We don't have a dummy on hand.
Cid: And those guys have sharp eyes, we'll have to make a decent look-a-like.
Yuffie: Alright! I can handle this! I had informal training in the art of 'dressing people up to look like other people'. Lara; stand over there. Now, everyone with long hair who is over 5 ft tall come forward.
Areis, Tifa, & Vincent step up.
Yuffie: Alright, Areis, how tall are you?
Areis: I am 5ft 6! Yay for me! *smiles idiotically*
Lara: Too short.
Yuffie: Tifa?
Tifa: I'm also 5ft 6, looks like I'm too short also, besides, I can't shoot and my hair is too long.
Yuffie: Uh, that leaves us with…Vincent. Uh, hehe, how tall are YOU?
Vincent: …6ft.
Lara: I'm 5ft 9.
Yuffie: Yay! It's as close as we'll get, plus he can shoot! Now, Lara! Fetch me some of your old clothes! Chop chop! Everyone else, man your battle stations and keep 'em off till we're through!
Vincent: *losing his composure* Wait! I didn't agree to this! Noooooooo!
Yuffie: Don't worry Vincey-boy! It'll be fun!
Vincent:…
Lara quickly returns with her trademark green tank top, boots, gun holster, etc (minus the back pack) Yuffie takes it and turns to the cowering Vincent.
Vincent: Please! Don't do this to me! I'll never be moody again! Well…how about for a week? Is a week good…? !!! Noooo!
Yuffie grabs Vincent by the hair and takes off the hair band. After tying it into a braid she proceeds to put Lara's clothes on him. Vincent struggles valiantly, but, alas!, fails. He is soon finished, and looking none too happy about it.
Yuffie: Everyone! Come quick! Vincent's ready!
Vincent: Wait! No, I don't want them to see me! Just shove me outside! I'll get away from there!
Yuffie: And have everyone miss out on my hard work!? You nuts or something?
And so everyone comes, laughs at Vincent, and Vincent then runs out of the facility near to tears. After awhile the bombing stops.
Tifa: Well…it's been good seeing you again! C'mon Cid, lets all go home. We'll collect Vincent latter, he could use the torture, been mooching offa us a lot lately. G'bye!
Tifa gathers everyone up and they head off in the Highwind which has miraculously appeared.
(Regina: Nooo! Plot holes!!!)
Darc'I: Whew! *falls onto a bean bag chair* This has got to be the most hectic, poorly planed piece a crap Ra(chel), er, Natla has ever made us go through.
Lara: Mmm, hmmm, I'm tired. Lets go to bed!
All: yay!
And thus our heroines trip off to their bedrooms and fall asleep. The end.
This is the end…my only friend the…
Cut to theater.
Cloud: Hello? Helllloooo? Cid? Barret? Tifa? …Aries? Anyooooone? I'm still here!
In a not to distant future
Somewhere in between TR1 and 5
Lara and her worthless friends,
Were caught in a nasty place
Lalala
Natla put them in the farthest of the Artics
To let them suffer and mock bad fics
They're there because Lara is an annoyer
And she went and offed her employer
"I'll send them cheesy stories."
"The worse I can find!"
"They'll have to sit and read them all,
and I'll monitor their minds!"
Lalala
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the torture begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of
Powerful drug-esque friends
Oddly named peoples Roll Call
Jeeves (quick, get the Pepto-Bismol!)
Darc'i (crap, I seem to have misplaced me gun…)
Regina (Shootin' stuff *bang!* shootin' stuuuuuuuuf! *BOOM!* Oops.)
If your wondering how they're still alive
Just remember to breathe and close your eyes
It really just still a stupid show
And you should really just relax
Mystery Gamer Theater 3000!
We see Lara walking out side to the back of the facility; she is carrying a large garbage bag. She comes around the side of the building to a dumpster, there is someone rummaging around in it.
Lara: What the he-CID?!?
Yes indeed it is Cid, form FF7, oh the crossover possibilities!
Cid: !
Lara: !
Cid: *runs away with an armful of garbage.*
Lara: Uhhhh, oh well. *tosses her garbage bag back into the dumpster and scurries back inside*
Lara: Hmmmm…
Regina: What?
Lara: Oh, nothing, what are you watching?
Darc'I: Tomb Raider movie…
Lara: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU MISCREANTS!!!!!!!!! *grabs the DVD player and flings it out a window, then wipes her hands frantically on the pants* UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
Regina: Um, sorry about that. You alright?
Lara: *gasping* Yeah, fine.
Darc'I: We were going to mock it, we swear.
Lara: Were you? Were you really?
Darc'I&Regina: …Yes.
Just then the big button flashes, Darc'I gives it a wack.
Natla: Hello everyone, I just…*looks back and forth at them* what happened to you?
Lara: Nothing, whada want?
Natla: Well, I've got a new fan fic! Now that Larson has fixed the theater you will of course be watching it in there. Get going.
Regina: Wait, what is it about?
Natla: He, he, he, Mwahahahaha, BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Ho, ho, oh boy, you'll see.
All: *looks of doubt*
The lights start flashing and such,
Lara: Ugh, but I still need to wash my hands!
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater
As usual the girls go in this order: Regina right, Lara middle, and Darc'I left.
Tomb Raider: Lara Croft
Lara: Uhhh, what the hell is this?
Regina: It's 'Tomb Raider: Lara Croft', you know, it must be a tr fan fic.
Lara: Still, that name doesn't sound right…it sounds…backwards…or something…
Here's to the Night
Darc'I: Here's to the nIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIght! Most beautiful NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Regina&Lara: *claps hands over ears*
"The Eye of Grotto.
Lara: Who the hell is Grotto? Sounds like some unpleasant disease.
Made by a high priest for Ramses. Supposedly, Ramses
disappears before its completion,
Lara: His views on the topic was 'eh, screw this, only gonna get stolen by some British woman in a few thousands years anyway'
followed by the maker
Regina: They had pace makers back then? *looks at Lara*
Lara: Uhhhh, not that I know of…
and the necklace." The speaker
pressed a button, and the slides changed.
Darc'I: To a rather compromising picture of him *cough*.
Regina: (as speaker) Ahem, uh, hehe, wrong picture.
Alex West
Lara: That name…sounds…familiar…
Regina&Darc'I: *glance uneasily at each other then Lara*
stood in the back of the room, arms crossed, and let his mind wander.
Regina: yes, you know how hard it is to keep a MAN's attention.
He was five grand in debt to a foreign buyer,
Darc'I: Damn them booze is expensive.
having sold a fake relic. He had to find that
eye, and pay off the debt.
Lara: But then, he had so many other debts, this would just barely scratch the surface anyway. Thus, he wasn't trying very hard.
"The hieroglyphs are in Cairo, Egypt." That comment caught Alex's attention.
Darc'I: There's booze in Cairo…
He knew what he needed to find this thing.
Lara Croft sped her motorcycle down the street.
Lara: The winds pulling the flesh off me cheeks and showing off my glossy teeth, damn gee forces.
What could that decitful Alex
West want from her now?
Darc'I: Booze!
Lara: Spell check!
Regina: Brains….mmmm, her delicious braiiiinnnnnsssss….
"Lara! Hey!" Alex called, waving her over.
Regina: Lara was unable to stop the bike in time and hit him, smearing his guts blood and what little there was of his brain all over the sidewalk. The end!
Lara managed a slight smile.
Darc'I: Very hard to do when you've had gee forces pulling at your face.
"Mr. West," she said.
"Oh, don't be so formal, Lara!"
Lara: I'll be as formal as I damn wanna be!
he said, realizing that Lara wasn't about to greet
him with open arms.
Lara: I was going to greet him with broken arms, those being his of course.
"What do you want from me?" she asked coolly.
Regina: So cold her lips froze.
Lara: Crap, hate it when that happens.
Alex's expression instantly changed. "Lara, I need your help," he began.
Darc'I: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE! I NEED BOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!
"Sounds familiar," Lara muttered.
"Cut it out, Lara," Alex snapped. "This is important!"
Lara: Suuuuuure it is, if it's your debts were paying then it's important, but if were talking about my debts…
"Excuse me. Continue."
"Anyway, I'm in trouble. I need you to help me to find the Eye of Grotto."
"The Eye of Grotto?" Lara said, fighting to keep the fear out of her voice.
Regina: Or the laughter!
"You've heard of it?"
Darc'I: No, I'm just a big wussy.
Lara: Hey!
Regina: *whispering to Darc'i* Watch it…
"Alex, you can't go after it. It's dangerous!" she exclaimed, getting curious stares
from passerby.
Lara: But then I always get stares from weirdo people walking down the street, it's odd you know, like they've never seen someone carrying their groceries and several guns at once…
"Dangerous? Really, Lara. I've never seen you act like this. Lara? Lara, are you all
right?" he asked, as her face paled.
Lara: Nah, Regina is really the pale one here.
Regina: Hey! Were all getting pale here, well expect Darc'I, it is the artic for christ's sake!
"I, yes... No,"
Lara: No, yes, no, yes, give me a sec…
Lara whispered, as she began to sway.
Darc'I: To much booze…
Regina&Lara: Enough already!
The Eye. Beware of the Eye
of Grotto...
Regina: *in a flu immunization voice* Get your vaccine today!
"Lara!" Alex yelled, as she fainted.
Lara: Humph, I never faint, get knock out maybe, pass out rarely, but never faint. Who is this guy any way?
Beware the Eye... Beware.... Danger lurks around he who disturbs it... Beware the
Eye of Grotto...
BEWARE!
Regina: Get You Immunizations Today!!!
"Lara, come here my child!" a voice called.
Lara: No!
Young Lara Croft ran into the arms of her father. "Yes, Daddy?"
Lara: Wait…'daddy?' What the fu-…
"Listen to me, Lara. Don't go after the Eye of Grotto!" His face tightened. "Don't
go, my child!"
Lara: Hey now…!
Regina&Darc'I: Now Lara, don't freak…
"Lara!"
"Lady Croft?"
"Hey, Lara!"
She recognized those voices. "Hilly... Bryce... Alex?" she mumbled, trying to sit
Lara: *jumps up* What the hell is this!?! That's it! Get me the hell out of here!
Regina: *following Lara* Lara! Wait!
Darc'I: Hold up guys!
0…1…2…3…4…5…6…living room
Lara bustles in with the other two on her heels, she spins around to face them.
Lara: I WANT ANSWERS! AND I WANT THEM NOW!
Regina: um, well, uhhh
Darc'I: Ahh, hmm, we, uh…
Lara: *points her finger at them* You both knew what it was from the start! Didn't you! Didn't you! Hmmm, I refuse to read anymore of that fic!
Both: What!
Regina: You can't do that! Natla will have won then!
Lara: I'm sorry, but I just can't…I'm leaving now, I'll be back after the…'fic'
Lara walks off to her room and locks herself in, Darc'I and Regina stare wide eyed after her.
Regina: What are we going to do now?
Darc'I: Oh man, I don't know…
Suddenly the button starts flashing.
Regina: Oh no! We can't answer that! She'll know what happened!
Darc'I: Wait, I've got a plan, we'll tell her that Lara got sick.
Regina: How?
Darc'I: Uh, going out side inadequately dressed?
Regina: Lara!? She'll never believe it!
Darc'I: It's our only option! *slaps the button*
Natla: Why are you taking a break so early?
Darc'I: It's Lara, she isn't feeling too well…
Natla: Lara? Not feeling well? How did this happen?
Regina: She went out in the cold.
Natla:…Lara? A cold? The woman who runs around in the winter in a tank top and shorts? What is this, some sort of joke?
Darc'I: No, seriously, she's sick.
Regina: We swear! Now, uh, anything else?
Natla: Um, no, get your butts back in there and read…uh, humph that is all.
Both: Whew!
Regina: That was ridiculously close! We gotta do something!
Lights begin to flash.
Darc'I: Well worry about it latter, let's go!
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater.
Regina and Darc'I sit down, Darc'I to the left and Regina to the right, but now we will cut back to outside the building. Cid is sneaking around, he comes to the front door. Glancing around he carefully opens it and goes in…
up. She recognized her room.
Regina: No she didn't actually, she was just faking.
How had she gotten home? The last thing she remembered
was being in the auction hall.
Darc'I: Falling down drunk…
"Can you guys leave us alone for a minute?" she heard Alex ask.
Regina: (as Jolie) No! Please! I don't want to be left with this freak! I want my Billy Bob!
Hillary and Bryce exited the room.
"Lara, what happened?" he asked softly.
Darc'I: (as Jolie) The bastards in make-up over stuffed my bra and I fell over.
"I... don't know," she breathed. A throbbing pain behind her temples.
Darc'I: Must…find…blood…soon…
She squeezed
her eyes shut, and she felt Alex's hand on her shoulder.
Regina; Ah! Get it off me! Billy Bob!
"Hey, it's all right. Lara, can I ask you a question?"
???: Hell no.
We see a dark figure in the doorway to the theater.
Regina: Lara? Is that you?
???: N-*higher voice* yes! *takes a drag from a cigarette.*
Darc'I: Since when did you start smoking?
???" Uh…
Regina: That's not Lara! Get 'im!
Darc'I: Arrgh!
Both of them jump on ??? and, after tying him up, flick on a light switch.
Both: Cid! What are you doing here?
Cid: Uhhhh…
Both: How did you get here!?
Cid: Hehe, you see, it's a funny story really, uh, I sorta ticked Tifa off and she shot me outta the Junon cannon.
Both:…
Cid: So, you wanna untie me or what?
Regina: Oh, sorry. *unties him* You wanna help us mock this?
"Sure," she said, regaining her composure.
Darc'I: Not you Jolie.
They all sit down.
"Have you ever thought about, well, us?"
Cid: What? Us what? Oh don't keep me in suspense!
Regina: I already did that I think.
"Yes, I have."
Darc'I: No, wait, I haven't.
Regina: *sigh* Not the same without Lara.
Shock registered on his face. "You... have?"
Cid: Didn't I just say no?
"Yes."
Regina: Hey, they sure seem to be agreeable.
"Okay. So, are we still going to Egypt?"
Darc'I: Hey dumbass! She never agreed to that! Not that we care whether the two of you live or die…
"Alex, I can't go after that eye!" Lara said.
He stared at her. "Why not?"
"Alex, I saw my father. He told me not to go after it!"
Cid: Good god woman! You gonna let your father rule you from beyond the grave? You suck!
"Lara, we have to!" he argued. "It's just like you to bring your father into
everything!"
Regina: yeah! Daddy this! Daddy that! I'm so damn sick of your daddy I'm gonna puke! Uh, you using that vase…?
"Don't you dare talk about my father!" Lara yelled.
Cid: Nagh, nagh, nagh, nagh, nagh, nagh! You father! Your dad sucks! I am so great! You suck too! Nagh nagh!
Alex clamed down a bit. "Lara, we have to go after it!" he explained.
Darc'I: That's not much of an explanation.
Cid: Yeah, didn't he just want it for his &$%@*ing debts?
Darc'I: Hey, how long have you been here? You didn't even see that part!
Cid: *takes another drag from his cigarette* I guessed.
"We can't!
Regina: Man, we get the point! Stop repeating yer selves!!!
Alex, terrible things will happen if we disturb it!"
Darc'i: Yee ha! Lets go poke it!
Panic rose in her
voice.
Regina: Actually, it was more laughter.
He rose to his feet. "Lara, what's the matter with you? I've never ever seen you like
this! We have to!"
Lara reached out and grabbed Alex's wrist with a surprisingly strong hand. "We
can't," she said.
Cid: *as West*(^%)! How many @^%$!ing times are they gonna repeat that? And let go of me!
"Then I'll go, if you're so afraid of it," Alex said, struggling against her. "Let me
go, Lara!"
Darc'I: Alright, so long!
Regina: See yah latter! Hate yah lots!
Cid: Don't come back now!
"No! Alex, please, no!" Lara pleaded, tightening her grip.
"Lara, you're acting like a child!"
"Don't you see?" she said. "Alex, I care about you more than you'll ever know! I
don't want to lose you!"
"La... What?"
"I love you, Alex. I don't want anything to ever happen to you," she blurted out.
Regina: Billy Bob has been cheating on me!
Darc'I: I need your blood!
"Lara, I... I have to go," he said, using his free hand to pry her fingers off of his
wrist.
Cid: Erk, can't…feel…hand…let….go!
"Alex..." she whispered, feeling tears sting her eyes. She hadn't cried about
anything in ages.
Darc'I: Yeah, after eating all those little Cambodian children she thought she was immune to anything.
"Lara, please. Don't do this to me," Alex said.
"I... Fine, go, leave me like everyone else that I've ever loved!" She rolled on her
side away from him.
"Lara, I-"
"If you want it that badly, go."
"La-"
Cid: Hey, he's just trying to sing the MST3K opening theme song, give him a break.
"Just go," she whispered, as her small frame
Regina: Small frame? Well, I can think of a place it ain't that small.
Cid: Can't…cover chest, with…blanket!
Darc'I: Too…much…stuffing!
shook with silent tears under the
blanket.
He opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind.
Cid: His vocabulary was even more limited than Billy Bob Thortons.
He walked to the door, and
just before opening it, he said one last thing. "I love you, too, Lara."
Regina: *as Jolie* That's a lie and you know it! Who could ever love a freak like me? Well, other that Billy Bob…but he's a yokel! He doesn't know the diffrence!
Her sobs became more evident,
Darc'I: The blanket was really heavy and she couldn't breath.
as he stepped out of the room, pushing past Bryce
and Hillary, who
Cid: Were standing at the top of the stairs and fell down.
Regina&Darc'I: Ow! Oh! Son of a! Crap! Mommy! Fu-! Aye! What the! Wowza!
guiltily jumped back from the door.
Hillary dashed into the room after Alex had left, and Bryce had followed him.
"Lady Croft?"
"Please, just leave me alone..." she choked out.
"But-"
"Leave me alone."
Regina; Damn! This person just doesn't know when we got the frikining point!!!
Bryce shushed Hillary,
Cid: i.e.: smacked him upside the head.
Darc'I: This lead to a little tussle at which point Hillary got a bloody nose and swollen eye. Bryce got a chipped front tooth and got kicked in the groin.
and they left the room, leaving the girl alone with her
misery.
Regina: Her complete and utter misery, not eating, cutting her self, the list goes on and on!
"Hey!" Bryce yelled. "West!"
Cid: No! East!
Regina: South!
Darc'I: Wait! No! North!
Alex didn't slow his pace.
Cid: Until he tripped on his shoelace and fell flat on his face.
"Stop this bloody minute!" he yelled, grabbing Alex's shoulder and whirling him
around.
Regina: Unfortunately he was walking with his fist out for some reason and hit Bryce in his already battered face thus giving him ANOTHER chipped tooth.
Darc'I: Not, that the brits teeth weren't already in disrepair. No one really noticed.
"What?"
Regina: Huh?
Darc'I: Who?
Cid: Where?
Regina: What?
Darc'I: Why?
"What did you say to her?" Bryce demanded. He loved Lara like a brother, and he
wasn't going to let West get away with this.
Regina: Well, actually, he was just a wussy little computer freak and so there wasn't much he could do…but still!
"What in bloody hell did you say to her?"
"I told her that I love her," Alex said. "But I have to go."
Darc'I: Gota pee! Gota go, gota go, gota go!
He climbed into his car, and Bryce stared after him in disbelief.
"Lara, dear. Would you like some tea?" Hillary called, lightly tapping on the door.
Cid: Some lovely tea laced with cyanide, err, uh, peppermint? ^%#@* now I got to go put something else in it so she isn't suspicious!
Regina: Yes! I want my damn tea!
Darc'I: Did you remember the blood!? Iiiiiiiiii neeeeeeeeeeeed bloooooooooooooood!
Lara hadn't emerged from her room in two days, and he was beginning to worry.
Darc'I: Yes, there wasn't a bathroom in there; he really didn't want to clean any messy stuff up.
He heard
the way that she cried herself to sleep every night, and there was nothing that he could do
about it.
Regina: Well, other than go in there and try to comfort her, but of course that wasn't the sorta person he was. He was being paid to keep house, not play social worker!
"Come in," Lara said faintly.
Cid: *standing up stretching* No thanks, we were just leaving.
Regina: yeah, screw you Jolie.
Darc'I: Lets go check up on the REAL Lara.
They all walk out
Cid: Humph, you still need to show me what happened to her.
0…1…2…3…4…5…6…reck room.
As the group walks in a bit of rather manic laughter is heard echoing through the halls. Regina and Darc'I look at each other worriedly.
Darc'I: Better bring a weapon.
Cid: I doubt that that is really (%*^ing necessary!
Regina: Hooboy, you don't know. Darc'I, go find something.
Darc'I trots off and comes back a few minutes latter with three helmets and a big pole (see my second one: MST3K: Legia? What the hell is a Legia?)
Regina: The bomb pole? Right, well, lets go! *puts on her helmet*
Darc'I: I'll lead the way! *puts on her helmet* Cid, put yours on!
Cid: Nah, it'll muss my hair.
Darc'I: *shrugs* Your head, not mine.
The brave trio marches off to Lara's room, Darc'I timidly knocks on the door and readies the bomb pole. There is a few moments of silence then:
Lara: …what?
Regina: Uh, hi! It's us! How you doin' in there? Cid dropped by to take your place!
Lara:…oh.
Regina: So, you wanna let us in?
Lara:…okay.
Darc'I raises the pole above the door to hit Lara when she comes out but Regina quickly shakes her head. Darc'I looks a bit crestfallen. Lara sticks her head out the door just a bit, looks up and down the hall, the frantically motions everyone inside the room. After everyone hustles inside Lara locks the door and piles stuff on top of it.
Lara: Whew! All right, I've been working on a battle plan. Come see. *she goes to a desk and pulls out a large blue print of the facility* Alright, when they hit we will have gunners here and here, if we need reinforcements we'll have to call someone…
Darc'I: Uh, Lara? Just who is coming, exactly?
Lara: Fool, *twitch* paramount…and their *twitch* sock puppets.
Cid: *jumps* Huh!? Where!? I…oh.
Regina: Why are they coming?
Lara: Because we made fun of the Tomb Raider movie, they must destroy us. They have their most deadly weapon…Jolie and her *twitch*…her lips!!! We'll all be killed!
Cid: Uh, Lara? Wh-why do they have s-sock p-puppets…?
Lara: I have no idea, anyways, as I was saying…
Darc'I: *taking Lara gently by the shoulders* Alright, that's enough outta you, now lets have a nice little nap and everything will be better in the morning…
Lara: But!
Darc'I: No more arguing, go to sleep! And I want this room aired out, it smells funny. Now g'night.
They shove a struggling Lara into bed and turn out the lights, leaving the door open behind them. Back in the reck room…
Regina: Oie, oie, oie! Lets hurry and finish this up, the sooner we get that fic out of here the sooner Lara will snap outta it. I hope.
Darc'I: Alright, back to the theater I guess, but do you think it's safe to leave her alone?
Cid: Sure, didn't seem to be doing too much damage! &$(&, if she stays in bed I don't think we'll have any worries! Now less go.
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…theater.
She sat on the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around her
legs.
Regina: Her head spinning and spewing green pea soup…
Darc'I&Cid: Ewww!
A nearly empty tissue box dangled from her hands, and she stared numbly at the wall.
Cid: *as Jolie* The wall, it's so, so, its just amazing! That's what it is! It's so smooth, and flat, and colored… Wallllllll…droolsssssss…
Lara's eyes were puffy and red,
Darc'I: She had finally gotten her blood. Now she needed brainsssss…delicious brainsssssssssss!
and her long brown hair hung limply down her back,
Regina: She doesn't have brown hair!
Cid: Yeah, it's ($%^ing black!
Darc'I: It's even darker that mine! See! See! *shoves her hair in Regina's face*
Regina: For chirst's sake! It's pitch black! I can't see a thing, now stop it!
in
desperate need of washing.
Cid: Not that she wasn't always in need of washing, her whole body that is… not just the hair.
She responded to Hilly's knock, in a voice that she didn't even
recognize as her own.
Regina: It was, she had switched back to her American yahoo voice again by accident.
Cid: And boy oh boy was 'Hilly' shocked to hear some damn yahoo voice issuing from the bedroom of a supposedly British woman!
Alex was gone.
Darc'I: Hallelujah! Ding-dong the warlock's gone!
She wouldn't see him again.
Cid: She had eaten her eyeballs out.
Darc'I: Owwie!!
She had told him her deepest feelings
and he still left her.
Darc'I: *as Jolie* I want your blood! Oh, and, uh, I love you?
Cid: *as West* Okay, your getting freaky, I'm outta here!
She didn't know why she felt like this about his leaving. She wasn't
ever like this. Unsure of herself,
Regina: That explains her cutting and mutilating her self.
unable to eat,
Darc'I: There's where her father had to force-feed her.
to think about Alex
Regina: *cough* Billy bob! *cough*
without breaking down.
And she knew that Hillary and Bryce were worried about her.
Cid: But since she was so damn stupid she had managed to stock the house with a plethora of worthless people, but managed to forget the social worker. D'oh!
She could hear it in their
whispered conversations as they passed her door,
Regina*whisper* So, you think she's dead yet?
Darc'I: *whisper* Gee, I don't know, she hasn't eaten for a while now…
Regina: *whisper* Alright! Lets sack her room!
Darc'I: Yeah!
the way that they constantly checked on
her every few hours or so.
Regina: Opps, uh, hem, we thought you were dead!
Darc'I: Yeah, we'll just come back latter then…
Hilly had even gone so far as to call the doctor, who could find
virtually nothing wrong with her.
Cid: The key word here being 'virtually'.
Regina: yeah, except for the cuts, gouges, lack of eyeballs and body fat, and finally the desperate need of a bath, there wasn't a thing wrong!
He called it stress.
Darc'I: New fangled expression that, it means when someone goes and has a freak out, in Jolies' case over something relatively stupid.
Bloody stress. Dammit, she
Regina: Wanted her blood!
Cid: But the doc had told her to cut back and 'Hilly' had hidden the supply.
didn't get stressed out. This was something worse.
Darc'I: Like mental insatiability, but being the quack he was the doctor couldn't figure it out even when she bit him.
Something deep within her. She could feel Alex's hand on her arm, though she knew he
wasn't there. Damn him.
Cid: *singing* I damn you, you damn me, we're a dysfunctional family!
He had said, "I love you, too, Lara," and he had still gone.
Regina: Run outta the house by her crazy butler and computer freak/pet.
Alex shoved some clothes haphazardly into a worn leather bag,
Darc'I: Did he steal it from the real Lara?
Regina: Depends on how much he can fit inside of it.
his mind anywhere
but in his dingy apartment.
Cid: He was so drunk that it was hard to keep his mind on where he was exactly…
He couldn't get his mind off Lara, and how she had begged him
not to go.
Darc'I: how she had needed his blood, that was the part he couldn't figure out, too creepy!
He'd never heard her act like that, never seen her cry before. It scared him,
Regina: With good reason! Although, frankly I'd just be plain scared of her in general.
that
somewhere in that rock-solid woman he had struck a nerve.
Cid: *as west* smack!
Regina: *as nerve* Ow!
And now she'd never be the
same.
Alex shut the bag, and snatched his plane ticket off the counter.
Darc'I: But it was stuck to something sticky he had forgotten to wipe up and it torn in half.
Cid: Oh shit!
"Flight 223 to Cairo, Egypt now boarding at Gate C. Rows 10-21 only."
Regina: This is a reminder to all people leaving ailing loved ones behind: We ARE doing our best to make you feel your worse! That means you MISTER WEST.
Alex stared down at his ticket. Row 7.
"Excuse me? Mr. Alex West?" asked a man's voice.
Darc'I: Uh, no, it's Bond, James Bond.
"Yes?"
Cid: No?
"You have to go see her. Something is terribly wrong."
Darc'I: *in Mr. T voice* Who you talkin' 'bout foo!?
The Eye of Grotto glowed from its resting place, awakened by the thoughts of two
young people.
Regina: Damn youngins!!! I'll have their hides to curse!
It focused its energy on the woman, weak, pale.
Alone.
Cid: And dumb.
Darc'I: And boring.
Regina: And stupid.
"See who?" Alex asked, although he dreaded the answer.
Darc'I: He had already TOLD his landlord he didn't have the money! Just give him another week or two!
"Lady Croft."
Cid: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *gasp*
Regina: *pats cid on the back* Wow, I think that's the longest 'no' we've ever had!
Darc'I: And now, the next part of the story.
Regina: *deep breath* Nooo-
Cid: *takes a drag from his cigarette again* Don't even try to beat me.
Lara coughed again, bile rising in the back of her throat.
Regina: Delicious bile…mmmmm.
She swallowed it back.
What was happening to her?
Regina: She didn't get her immunization!
A sharp pain in her stomach caused her to moan, and she
curled into a ball, clutching her abdomen.
Darc'I: All…body…fat…leaving….body! Aiiie, Billy Bob!!!
She lay like that for several minutes, coughing
and sniffling.
Cid: *in stuffed up voice* Damn flu!
"I don't know what's wrong with her.
Regina: I'm just a quack! I admit it! Waaah!
It looked like pneumonia at first, but it's not.
Cid: Well, at least he can tell when something isn't something else, it's a start.
She's got a temperature of 114 degrees Fahrenheit, the chills, the sweats, abdominal pain,
coughing, unable to digest anything, dry heaves, and a fever.
Regina: *ticking things off on her fingers* seizures, hallucinations, puking, malaria, mad cow disease, bulimia, anorexia, athletes foot, no eyes, dangerously puffed lips, balding, the bubonic plague, small pox, typhus, an under developed brain, oh, and of course, she should be dead.
But it's all wrong for all these
symptoms to come on at once.
Darc'I: Well, apparently they were willing to make and exception in her case.
Pneumonia, they all come in stages. Not full blown in the
beginning." The doctor scratched his balding head.
Cid: And managed to knock out another clump.
Regina: *as doc* Oh shit!!!
"I've never seen anything like it."
Regina: And I never want to again, g'bye!
"What can you do?" Bryce asked.
Darc'I: Tranquilizer darts!
"I'll prescribe some antibiotics, and give her a shot of penicillin before I leave.
Cid: Now hand me the elephant gun!
Make sure she gets plenty of fluids, orange juice, apple juice, stuff like that. No milk. It'll
upset the stomach even more."
Regina: *as Hillary* Check, got to get lots of milk into her Bryce! Come help me!
The doctor removed a syringe from his bag and tore off
the plastic wrapping. He filled it with liquid, and
Cid: And loaded it into the elephant gun, taking careful aim he attempted to hit Jolie in her skinny ass but missed and hit a lip.
Regina: *as doc* Oh god! I hit an air duct! Duck and cover!!!
All: Ahhh! BOOOOOOOM!!!
swabbed a sterile alcohol rub over Lara's
arm. "This is going to sting a little, Lara,"
All: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Damn that hurts!
he said, and gently stuck the needle in her arm.
Lara flinched as the needle went in, but didn't cry out.
"Where is she?" Alex demanded.
Cid: Uh, where's who?
"She's upstairs," Hillary replied, as they raced into the house. Alex took the stairs
two at a time, and
Regina: Lost his balance at the top.
Darc'I: Whooooooooooa! *bonk*
burst into Lara's room.
Darc'I: And tripped over the doctor who was now extremely pissed.
"Lara?" he said, going immediately to her side. The doctor snapped his bag shut
Cid: On his finger, at which point he began bellowing and swearing and just caused a general ruckus.
and left, followed by Bryce.
"Alex? Is that you?" Her voice was so soft, so faint.
Regina: Awwww! Isn't it cute?! She's dreaming!
"Yeah, it's me. When Hillary came and got me at the airport, I thought the worst.
What happened?"
Cid: Wait a *$(^ing second here! I thought that it was the voices in his head that dragged him back here.
Darc'I: Yeah, that's sortta what I had thought too.
Regina: Yup.
"No one knows. The doctor's never seen..." Lara coughed, and then continued.
Darc'I: You mean hocked up a liver coughed? Or just coughed coughed?
Cid: I think that's hocked up a lung, not liver.
Regina: It's gross either way.
"Anything like this. I feel...
Cid: Like singing! IF YOU HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS! IF AND YOU KNOW IT…
Regina&Darc'I: For cripes sake Cid! Shut it!
Alex, this isn't me.
Regina: Yes, I have a confession to make…I'm not fit to be Lara Croft! Waaaaaah! Comfort me Billy Bob!
Darc'i: *as Billy Bob* There, there, have some blood.
I don't know what's happening, but all of a
sudden it's like I'm turning into some pathetic weakling. Why, Alex?"
Darc'I: Because everyone hates you that's why. I mean, come on, why else?
"I- I don't know, Lara. But you're going to be okay. Just fight it, and you'll be back
to that bad-ass girl that you are."
Cid: More like that no ass girl you are.
"Alex, it's the Eye. I told you not to disturb it."
"I didn't touch it, Lara! I swear," he said.
Regina: All right! All right! I just poked at it! I only tried to kill you! Is that so wrong!?
"You don't have to touch it. You were so dead set on getting it, that you
awakened its powers."
Darc'I: And now it's grouchy!
"Lara, I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted anything to happen to you,"
Alex said, slipping his hand into hers. "I never want anything to happen to you."
Cid: Well, you screwed that up didn't cha?
"It's too late to do anything, Alex.
Regina: Your screwed…
Darc'I: I'm screwed….
Cid: Were a screwed up family! With a great big…
Regina and Darc'I simultaneously hit Cid over the head to stop the singing.
You can't reverse what's been done.
Cid: *holding his hands over his head, and singing again* It's all been done! Lalalala! It's all been done!
Regina&Darc'I: Aiiiiiiiiiie! Shut up, shut up, shut up!
You can
only destroy the Eye, and hope that everything returns to normal," Lara said. She felt the
stinging pain in her stomach again, and she squeezed Alex's hand.
Darc'I: Aiiie! Not my hand again! Leggo! LEGGO!
Coughing followed, and
Regina: And a lung followed.
Darc'I: Liver.
Regina: *rolls eyes*
she felt his other hand brush stray hair off her face.
Cid: She instinctively bit it.
Regina: *as West* Dammit! Now stop that!
His hand was so cool against her fiery
skin...
Darc'I: *as West* My gads woman! My hands on fire! What have you got against my hand!?! Ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot!
"Lara, I'll destroy the Eye. And then we can have normal lives, okay?
Regina: Since when did they have normal lives?
Everything
will go back to the way it used to be, and it'll all be all right again. Okay, Lara?" Alex
asked, as her grip began to lessen on his hand. "Lara, fight. Fight this thing."
All: *chanting* Fight, fight, fight, fight! Wait a sec, lose, lose, lose, and lose!
"Damn you," she whispered, a flicker of a smile going across her lips. "I love you,
Alex."
Regina: Now give me your brains…you delicious braiiiiiinnnnssssss…
All: Braaaaiiiiiiinnnnsssssssssssssssss….
"Lara, don't talk like you're going to die.
Cid: Just because yah are doesn't mean you've got to be so damned closed mined about it.
Don't, 'cause you're going to live a long
life, and it'll all be good." He cleared his throat. "I love you, okay? I loved you since the
day I met you. Dammit, Lara. Don't you dare die on me!"
Darc'I: *as Jolie* I accept you challenge! Blargh! *various dying sounds*
"I don't know how much longer I can hold on, Alex... But I'll hold on as long as I
can..." Lara said softly. "As long as I can..."
All: Can, can, can, gotta go to the can, can, can…………………..
The Eye knew that the man-creature was going to destroy it.
Cid: Just try it buddy boy!
But the creature
would never get near to the Eye.
Darc'I: He would make his credit card become invalid thus making it impossible to get a plane ticket to Egypt! Mwahaha! It was truly the master plan!
Oh, it could always let the woman-creature live. It
would, but only after making both of them suffer so much that they wished that they were
dead...
Regina: And they needed Braaaiiiiinnnnssssssssssssssssssssssss!
Alex stared at the hieroglyphs.
Darc'I: And stared, and stared
Regina: Then he remembered he couldn't read hieroglyphics.
"Toward the river of light, following an endless
glow, a path awaits you there, leading you to the Eye of Grotto." He paused. "Not exactly
Shakespeare."
He scribbled the glyphs and the translation into a notebook, and mounted his
horse. "Hang on, Lara."
Cid: His horse was named 'hang on Lara'? That's…strange….
Regina: yeah, I think his fixation has become unhealthy.
"River of light? Oh, you must mean the Luna River. It's just thirty miles thataway."
Alex had his first clue.
Darc'I: Wait! What the hell was that!? Who said that!?
Cid: And how was it a clue!?
Regina: Plot holes! Ahhhh! Run for it! Convenient plot hooollllleesssssssssssss!
"Endless glow, eh? The sun never goes out, and when it's shining it glows on the
Luna River."
"Thanks," Alex said.
Cid: Humph, for nothing! Some one just told me that!
"River of light, endless glow, a path? Hmm."
Darc'I: You're a bigger idiot than I thought.
The cryptographer studied Alex's
scribbled notes.
Cid: I can't read this; you need to clean up your handwriting.
"Lucky you found me.
Regina: I'm cheap!
I know exactly where you want to go. It took me
thirty years to figure this one out."
Cid: *as West* Heh heh heh, sucker.
"So you know where the Eye of Grotto is?"
"Not the exact location. It's inside a pyramid, the Temple of Light. I'm a
cryptographer, not a daredevil. Take a plane. You're gonna need it."
Alex stared at the ground as the pilot flew.
Regina: It's, it's so, so…far away! Prettttyyyyyyyyy…
"So how much further is this place?" he
asked in Egyptian.
Darc'I: Oh gad, what a moron! There is no language called 'Egyptian'!
Cid: Yeah, isn't it Arabic?
Darc'I: Yeah.
"Ten, fifteen minutes more," the pilot replied, also in Egyptian.
Regina: There it is again, that magical non-existent language 'Egyptian' ohhhh!
The plane touched down a hundred yards away from the Temple. "I won't go any
further," the pilot had said. "Too dangerous."
Cid: *as west* But I don't want to walk that far! Carry me!
Regina: *as pilot* Aww, man! But you're heavy!
Meanwhile, Lara was growing weaker by the minute.
Darc'I: She shares our pain! I'm touched!
She couldn't even sit up
anymore, and someone had to lift her head so that she could drink through a straw. She
felt so helpless and pathetic.
Regina: Well, that's understandable, since she was…
"Please, just make it stop," she had begged Hillary, more than once when the
illness made her delusional.
Cid: It frightened Hillary so much that he ran away and hid in the bathroom leaving the tech freak to take care of her.
Hillary had just held her hand like he had done when she was a
little kid who woke up screaming from nightmares after her father died.
Cid: He had hated it then, and he hated it now. First taking care of a whiny spoiled little brat, now taking care of a bitchy young woman. Did the pain never end?!
"Shh, it's all right, Lara. It's all right." But, in the pit of his stomach, he knew that it
might not be all right.
Darc'I: In fact he hoped that it wouldn't be all right, he had found out she was leaving all her crap to them! They would be rich!
Regina: Make a name for themselves! Travel the world as the amazing tech freak and butler! I would be great!
The Eye drained more energy from that worthless human.
Darc'I: The worthless, worthless human, oh yeah, she is powering me though…
Alex felt a mosquito bite him and he swapped at it, his fingers coming away a little
bloody.
Regina: Ahhhhhhh! I'm…I'm…bleeding! A mosquito bit me! Mommy!
"Damn mosquitoes," he said.
A red light caught his eye
Cid: Hey! My eye, oh, oh! That burns!
at the end of the tunnel he was on. Breaking into a jog,
the flashlight bobbing up and down, he ran toward the light.
Darc'I: Yeah, he's heading toward a light, that flashlight is going to do A LOT of good.
The Eye saw the human coming closer to its energy barrier. Only the power of true
love could break down the wall...
Cid: *singing!* Ohhhhhhhh! The POOOOWWWER OOOOOOFFF LOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!
Regina&Darc'I: *sobbing* Cid! Please! Stop!
"Come on!" Alex yelled, slamming his hands against the force field.
Regina: Ow, ow! I'm being electrocuted! Wowza!
He could see
the Eye within the chamber, and a vision of Lara passed through his head. "Lara," he
whispered.
Darc'I: Then he took a closer look at the vision. *as West* Boy, does she need a bath!
The power of True Love. Did he actually possess it?
Cid: Of course he doesn't, don't be silly.
The Eye felt its barrier give as
the man sagged against it, consumed by sorrow for the fallen woman.
Regina: Bad woman! Bad man! I curse you both! You've both been very naughty for 'starring' in the TR movie; you made the badly animated stone monkey's look bad!
Alex leaned heavily against the barrier, burying his head in his hands. "Lara, I
tried!" he said. "I tried!"
Darc'I: And I screwed up miserably! I'm going home! Gonna try to get a role I the Resident Evil movie!
Then he felt the barrier bend inward. He jumped up and
Cid: Ran away like a little baby crying! Ha!
pressed
his hands against the barrier. It yielded to his touch, bending again.
Darc'I: Wow, those booze were stronger than I though!
He thought of Lara
again, and
Regina: Suddenly realized what he was doing. *as West* Noooo! Must not …break…barrier!
the red light slowly began to give more. "Lara, this is for you!" he yelled,
stepping backwards.
Cid: Then he tripped and broke his neck, luckily Jolie died a few days latter and peace blanket the whole earth, no, universe!
He ran toward the barrier as fast as he could.
Regina: He didn't realize it was a bad idea to hit things with this head, bad things followed.
A wave of intense pain washed over Lara.
Darc'I: Too…many…one sentence…paragraphs! Ahhh!
The barrier broke, and Alex lunged for the Eye.
Regina: But it was all slippery and…
Darc'I&Cid: Ewwww!
"AAGHH!" Lara screamed.
He grabbed the relic. It glowed, but he held onto it.
All: Oh no! It's glowing! That's a bad sign isn't it?
"Lara!" Hillary yelled.
Cid: *as Hillary* Before you die! Where did you hide the Cuban cigars!?
Darc'i: *as Bryce* And the imported booze!?
"This is for the one I love!" Alex hollered
All: *as West* Heehaw!
, pulling out his gun. He threw the Eye
up into the air. He aimed.
"Alex!" Lara shrieked.
BANG! The gun went off.
Regina: Accidentally, he got hit in the foot. Ow, huh?
Bull's eye. The Eye shattered,
Regina: Into gooey little bits…
Cid&Darc'I: Stop that!
and Alex watched as the pieces rained down onto
the ground.
"Alex," Lara said one more time. Then she fainted.
Darc'I: *as Jolie* Bring me his edibles!
The Eye felt itself being thrown. How could that man-creature have gotten
through the barrier? Then it saw no more.
Cid: You know, they never really explained how this inanimate object came to have a conciseness or who made it. Stupid really.
Regina: Welcome to the wonderful world of plot holes, no star accommodations and torture galore.
"Would you like anything to drink, sir?" the flight attendant asked Alex.
All: OH GOD YES!!! BOOZE, I NEED BOOOOZE!
"No, thank you," he said, staring out the window, tapping his fingers on the arm
rest.
Regina: Then he started pulling the stuffing out of the armrest…
Darc'I: *as stewardess* Please stop that, this plane is beat up enough as it is by hooligans like you!
He could barely sit still.
Cid: He had the runs.
He had to get home. He had to get back to Lara.
Cid: But maybe he could take a quick bathroom stop first…he hadn't peed in many hours.
"Are you sure you're up to this, Lady Croft?" Hilly asked, as they pulled up to the
airport entrance.
Regina: But we all know that Butler's can't drive and he managed to crash killing them all and leaving Bryce and incredible amount of wealth.
"I'm fine, Hilly. Don't be such a worrier."
"I can't help it," he explained.
Darc'I: These people don't give up much of an explanation for stuff.
Lara smiled. Color had returned to her cheeks, and her energy was back ten-fold.
Cid: Those pep pills were all she needed!
She bounded out of the car,
Regina: Tripped in front of a tramp and died horribly. The end!
and walked quickly inside, restraining herself from running.
"Excuse me," she said to the person at the ticket counter.
Darc'I: *in an annoyed over worked voice* WHAT!?
Cid: Yeah, you know how badly tempered those people are.
"Yes?"
"What gate is the 4:45 from Cairo?"
The woman glanced at her computer. "Gate 23-G."
"Thanks," Lara said. She walked off in the direction of the gate.
All: Go to hell!
"You're welcome!" the woman called.
All: Hey!
Alex made his way up the boarding ramp out into the terminal. He scanned the
crowd, and spotted the one person that he wanted to see more than anything. "Lara!"
"Alex?" Lara cried.
Regina: Billy Bob?
Darc'I: Mr.T?
Cid: Cloud Strife?
Regina: Michel Jordan?
Darc'I: Mr. Peanut?
Cid: Shara Karrigan?
Regina: Barney?
All: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
"Oh, thank God!" he exclaimed, sweeping her up in his arms.
Darc'I: And accidentally flinging her off an nearby ledge.
"I hoped and prayed
that everything would be all right!"
"Just one thing," Lara said.
"What?"
"Don't say, 'I told you so,'" she said, hugging him tightly.
Cid: Ark! Can't, breath! Cutting off circulation…to…neck! Let go!
"I won't." He tilted her chin up, and leaned down to her.
You can guess what happened next!
All: *in monotone vioce* Gee, no, really? What? More suspense?
Oh, really? You actually thought I was serious? Puh-leeze. This is Britain, not
Kentucky...
Regina: They still didn't tell us anything, talk about anti-climatic.
"Ready?" Lara asked, pulling out her .45s.
Cid: Is that an over sized bra or something?
Regina&Darc'I: *laughing* No!
"Ready," Alex replied.
Lara gave Bryce the thumbs up,
Darc'I: Then down, shake it all around! Yeah!
Regina: Quiet! Were almost done!
and she and Alex darted off into the simulation.
The thundering footsteps of a droid could be heard, followed by the sound of
multiple gunshots...
They all stand up and stretch, again. Cid lights a new cigarette.
Cid: It had gone haywire and was killing them, lets go!
Regina: I concur, and…oh crap! We forgot about Lara!
All: !!!
Our brave trio rush off to make sure Lara hasn't done anything scary…
6…5…4…3…2…1…0…rec room.
They come to see that all the window have been outfitted with guns, and it looks like a bunker.
Regina: Lara! Lara! Are you okay!? Where are you?
Lara comes out from the hall dressed in a camouflage outfit complete with green and black face paint on her cheeks.
Lara: Oh, hello everyone. Well, I think we are ready for the attack. Oh, Cid, I called your people over here to pick you up. They'll be here in a few.
Cid: Thanks, is Tifa coming with 'em?
Lara: Yes.
Cid: Erk!
Suddenly there is a knock on the door. Everyone follows Lara who creeps up to it, draws an UZI, and flings it open. The entire FF7 crew (sans Cid, who is hiding behind an annoyed looking Darc'I) is standing there looking cold.
Tifa: Lara! Long time no see!
Lara: Uh, huh.
Barret: Foo's! Let us in! It's cold out here dammit!
Lara: Oh! Of course, come in, come in.
Everyone comes in and piles into the rec room/bunker.
Areis: Uh, lovely decoration you've got here.
Darc'i: Was until Lara went, uh, a bit off.
Lara: I am not off! Paramount is coming!!!
Suddenly a shudder runs through the facility. Everyone stares at Lara.
Lara: I told you! I told you!
Cloud: Whada we do!? *runs around in circles* Oh god, ohgodohgodohgodohgod!!!!
Barret: I'll deal with spikey ass, you people take care of things here! *picks Cloud and drags him off to the theater to keep him outta trouble*
There are a few seconds of silence then a voice comes on a loud speaker:
Paramount: Attention! We are going to make our demands! You have mocked us, this will not be stood for! We demand…the Real Lara Croft! If you guys aren't satisfied with our choice of imposter we will have to make you pay! Obey or We will release the…JOLIE AND HER LIPS!!!
Everyone gasps and looks at Lara. Lara shakes her head in horror.
Lara: You can't sent me out there! They'll kill me!
Barret comes back.
Barret: What the hell happened?!?
Cait Sith: They've started bombing us! They want Lara!
Regina: Everyone calm down! There has to be a way out this! Now lets just think a second.
Everyone stand there thinking hard.
RedXIII: Alright, I think I have an idea…
All: WHAT?
RedXIII: We can send out a fake Lara, they're so stupid I don't think they'll know the difference.
Lara: Hmmm, that sounds like it would work…but who? We don't have a dummy on hand.
Cid: And those guys have sharp eyes, we'll have to make a decent look-a-like.
Yuffie: Alright! I can handle this! I had informal training in the art of 'dressing people up to look like other people'. Lara; stand over there. Now, everyone with long hair who is over 5 ft tall come forward.
Areis, Tifa, & Vincent step up.
Yuffie: Alright, Areis, how tall are you?
Areis: I am 5ft 6! Yay for me! *smiles idiotically*
Lara: Too short.
Yuffie: Tifa?
Tifa: I'm also 5ft 6, looks like I'm too short also, besides, I can't shoot and my hair is too long.
Yuffie: Uh, that leaves us with…Vincent. Uh, hehe, how tall are YOU?
Vincent: …6ft.
Lara: I'm 5ft 9.
Yuffie: Yay! It's as close as we'll get, plus he can shoot! Now, Lara! Fetch me some of your old clothes! Chop chop! Everyone else, man your battle stations and keep 'em off till we're through!
Vincent: *losing his composure* Wait! I didn't agree to this! Noooooooo!
Yuffie: Don't worry Vincey-boy! It'll be fun!
Vincent:…
Lara quickly returns with her trademark green tank top, boots, gun holster, etc (minus the back pack) Yuffie takes it and turns to the cowering Vincent.
Vincent: Please! Don't do this to me! I'll never be moody again! Well…how about for a week? Is a week good…? !!! Noooo!
Yuffie grabs Vincent by the hair and takes off the hair band. After tying it into a braid she proceeds to put Lara's clothes on him. Vincent struggles valiantly, but, alas!, fails. He is soon finished, and looking none too happy about it.
Yuffie: Everyone! Come quick! Vincent's ready!
Vincent: Wait! No, I don't want them to see me! Just shove me outside! I'll get away from there!
Yuffie: And have everyone miss out on my hard work!? You nuts or something?
And so everyone comes, laughs at Vincent, and Vincent then runs out of the facility near to tears. After awhile the bombing stops.
Tifa: Well…it's been good seeing you again! C'mon Cid, lets all go home. We'll collect Vincent latter, he could use the torture, been mooching offa us a lot lately. G'bye!
Tifa gathers everyone up and they head off in the Highwind which has miraculously appeared.
(Regina: Nooo! Plot holes!!!)
Darc'I: Whew! *falls onto a bean bag chair* This has got to be the most hectic, poorly planed piece a crap Ra(chel), er, Natla has ever made us go through.
Lara: Mmm, hmmm, I'm tired. Lets go to bed!
All: yay!
And thus our heroines trip off to their bedrooms and fall asleep. The end.
This is the end…my only friend the…
Cut to theater.
Cloud: Hello? Helllloooo? Cid? Barret? Tifa? …Aries? Anyooooone? I'm still here!