bcenterTruth, Beauty And A Picture Of You/b/center
I was never like other kids, really. Whereas they cried when our first grade teacher yelled at them, I would take it all with a solemn face and pounding heart. I would never cry. If I hurt myself, I wouldn't scream and shout there and then, or weep my lungs out. I would wrap the wound in antiseptic cream and swathes of plasters, and go on playing. I would only cry once on my own.
This is, perhaps, my biggest flaw. I never could reveal my emotions to other people. I could barely admit them to myself, if the truth be told. I would cry once the screams had long died down, once I had got home and locked myself in my bedroom. The best example of this from my childhood was a fight I had with my beloved brother Gary.
As the younger sibling, I had looked up to Gary from the moment I could crawl. Endless times I had been told the story of how I followed him about on my hands and knees. He was my mentor, my hero, my best friend. One day, when I was ten, he screamed that he hated me.
"Just go away, you little cunt! I hate you! Leave me alone!" He watched my reaction, seeing that solemn face so many people had before him. His hand flew to the door and yanked it open, so hard that I was sure it would come off the hinges. With fire in his eyes, he glared at me. "Out."
I saw his eyes, the storm breaking before his pupils, his lightening anger in this moment. And I walked slowly out, letting each foot hit the floor, letting each breath enter and leave my lungs. I walked the entire length of the hall, open and closed my door, and sat down on my bed before the tears came.
And it continued into adulthood. This lack of willing to show emotions. This fear that the feeling would never be reciprocated. A fear of loving, maybe.
Age twenty-two and fresh out of university, I left country living for a more urban existence. A two bedroom flat was quickly found in San Francisco, my chosen destination for a career in writing, and hopefully my first book. The rent was too steep for me to have any hope of ever affording it myself, so, a few days later, I advertised for a flatmate. The offers came in thick and fast. I saw over sixty people over three days. The forth day, only one person called. I told her to come straight on over. Her name was Piper Halliwell.
By the phonecall, she was everything I had been looking for. A native of the city, she knew every backalley of the place, where the best clubs were, every inch of tarmaced street. She was also just out of uni; working as a nurse at San Francisco Memorial. We shared music tastes and were both vegetarians. It was as if I'd known her all my life, and we were yet to meet in person.
The intercom buzzed with her voice, and I let her up immediately. When the knock at the door came, I had no idea what I was letting myself into.
She was gorgeous; long brown hair, beautiful golden eyes. Her voice filled the place like silken velvet. But it was more than a physical attraction, I knew that from the word go. I also knew the feelings weren't reciprocated. She was lovely; friendly, cheerful, funny; but from the way she addressed me, I knew that she didn't feel the same. Nevertheless, when she asked if I had any other potential flatmates, I shook my head dumbly and asked if she would like the room. And with those five simple words, my whole world was heavenly.
Weeks passed, and it became clear we were well matched as flatmates. She showed me all the sites, we went to the clubs. Our days were spent mostly apart, me writing my first book, or attempting to, while she attended to the sick and injured of the city. Yet with the evening came the two of us, curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a classic film in the VCR. We were the best of mates, and I was happy with just that.
Yes, I loved her. I had loved her since the moment she walked through my front door. But as the months and eventually years passed, I, in my typical way, bottled up my feelings. I even convinced myself they didn't exist, and despite the constant ribbing from our friends that we would make a perfect couple, I was, for once, sure that we wouldn't. Because I knew as soon as anything like that happened, I would lose Piper forever.
Boyfriends came and went, and I was always there for her. Girlfriends were fewer for me, but still, we were their with bottles of vodka and huge bars of chocolate for each other when it all went dreadfully wrong. I became more aware of my love for her at these times, as she lay sobbing in my arms. I would love her for caring so much, for giving her whole heart to one person. I would hate that person for not having loved her back as much. But each time, I felt like she was running away from me, as my hand was held out for her to take me along. She would disappear into the distance as I took my hand back to my side. She was my best fiend, but we could never be anything more. I knew that in her heart of hearts it wasn't what she wanted, so I would once again buried my true feelings, as I always had.
Three years passed easily, the seconds slipping by as if time itself was running away from us. My first book hit the shelves of bookshops all over America, my second one was well on it's way to completion. It was early May when it happened.
She came home sobbing her heart out, mascara running down her cheeks and hair all askew. Trails of tears stained her cheeks, salt tracks of unhappiness. Immediately I stopped writing and ran to her collapsed form on our old couch.
"Piper? Honey? What's wrong?" I stroked her hair from behind her ears. My eyes were intent on her face.
A sob, a muffled answer. "Bastard."
"Steve?" By the frantic sobbing I had guessed correctly.
"He's been cheating on me." I hated him in that moment. More than I had ever hated anyone. Not because he had cheated on her, or because he didn't care as much as she did. But because he had made her walk home in the pouring rain, crying. Because she had lost her pride, and the luxury to be able to cry alone.
"Sssshh, sweetie, he's not worth it." She sat to face me and I curled my arms around her form.
"I thought he loved me, Leo. I really did." Her hot tears ran against my neck. My heart cried for her with it's each and every beat.
"It's okay. D'you know why it's okay?" I asked her, pulling her hair away from her face and gazing into those brown eyes I loved so much.
"Why?" she croaked, hoarse from crying. I placed a kiss to her forehead.
"Because! Because Jason is having a party tonight, and we've been invited." I grinned at her slowly changing expression. "And you can get iextremely/i pissed, forget about Steve and get shacked up with some gorgeous young hunk of a man." I smiled at her sorry face. She laughed and grinned.
"You never fail to cheer me up, do you?" Piper's voice ran true and clear through my ears. I swept her up in a hug.
"Right. You shower, I'll dress....then we can both go out on the pull, okay?" I grinned at her, and she punched my arm.
"We're gonna find you a girl, boy!" She teased, racing to the bathroom. The reassuring hum of the shower filled the apartment and I grinned after her.
I loved her more than ever. But I would never dare tell her.
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centerbTruth, Beauty And A Picture Of You/center/b
She was across from me on the dance floor, her arms making patterns in the air, dancing along to a song I recognised as one of our favourites. I stood, leaning against the makeshift bar, a beer in one hand, watching her every moment, watching her dance and grin at me. Jason leaned over, took my empty bottle, and replaced it with a full one. Was that my fifth? Or sixth? I had no idea. I was pretty far gone.
"Go for it, mate." I could hear Jason's words, but had no idea of what he meant.
"What?" I stumbled, grinning, to face him, my gaze lingering on Piper to check she was still okay. And in truth, that was all it was. A friend, seeing if another friend was okay.
"You love her, don't you?" he yelled above the music, screaming from the speakers.
"Piper?" I asked, my brow furrowing in confusion. I ran my fingers through my hair, and he nodded.
"It ain't half obvious, mate." I was sobering up quickly now. As someone else confirmed them, my feelings for Piper were suddenly liquid crystal clear. My gaze fell to the worn wood of the bar.
"I used to, maybe." I allowed, the words slipping too easily from my lips for my tongue to stop them, falling like metal weights to the ground. His silence scared me.
"Used to?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure anymore... It was so long ago, Jase.... I don't know what to think. Anyway, look at her, man." My gaze dropped round to Piper's, her sleek form, those eyes I knew so well, dazzling me every time they met mine. "She's no more interested in me than three years ago. She doesn't see me like that."
"Leo?" my name hung in the air. "You have to tell her, mate." My heart was pounding. My hands were slipping over one another, clammy with sweat, eyelashes stuck to each other as blink after blink came and dissolved into time. Snapshots of moments so similar to these, flooding my mind. Snapshots of times where I had convinced myself so completely that we were just friends. Her form, pressed to mine, holding me as I wept my heart into the soft lace covering her shoulders. Knowing I loved her, telling myself not to. Telling myself not to love, because I knew that I would lose her. We weren't meant for what I had secretly longed for, for so long. So secret that I had even hidden it from myself.
"I can't Jase. It would never work... it just wouldn't. Anyway, that's in the past now. We're just mates." I believed that the day I said it. I thoroughly believed that I was speaking the truth. Only now can I see the difference between the truth in my head and the truth crowding my heart.
Then suddenly she was there, laughing, her arms wrapped round my waist and head resting on my shoulder. "Leo? Wanna go?" she grinned at Jason, and an uneasy smile formed on his lips.
"Heya Piper."
"Sure..." As my hands reached up and took hold of hers, our fingers intertwining, I could feel Jase's glances. "I'll get our coats."
Her eyes followed me from the room as they always did. Followed, watching, watching my every movement. We were so comfortable with each other, it hurt. I wanted those flutters of excitement, those feelings of ecstasy, those awkward silences. And I'd have them, occasionally. Simply because Piper was Piper. But as much as I had ever known it, and a thousand times more, nothing more could never happen.
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We were both out of our minds that night. Half an hour later, we finally left the party, each with a beer in hand, and a bottle of champers tucked inside my jacket. We walked along the waterfront laughing until our stomachs hurt. Before I knew what was happening, our condensing breath was warming each other's mouths.
Our eyes met; I could see the love in hers. The love I had denied existed. Maybe...maybe it was the drink, I didn't know. But I would stop it, now. My eyes raced around us.
"A photo booth!" I dragged her hand over to the lit booth in front of a small cafe. "Okay, I want you... " I wiped a smear of lipstick from Piper's chin. "To look your absolute worst, funniest, drunken self." She smiled at me, and grabbed the back of my jacket.
"Come on!!!"
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Me watching her face, her lips all askew and cross-eyed.
iSnap./i
My hair ruffled and sticking up, my eyebrows arched. Her pulling golden strands into the air.
iSnap./i
Our heads pressed together, tongues sticking out, eyes still meeting slightly, just in the corners.
iSnap./i
Us, just looking, she with her typical, wholly genuine grin, me with my open mouthed look of contentment. Dazzling smiles, glinting eyes. Friends.
iSnap./i
"This photo....." I held it up to the light of a street lamp. It was the last one, the one of us just as us. "I'm going to get it enlarged, and framed. It'll go up, in front of me as I write...." I grinned drunkenly at her, my shoulder draped over her shoulders. "This is us, Piper. This photo..." I showed it to her. "This is us."
She swigged from the bottle of champagne, half empty already, and took the strip of black and white from me. "Great....great photo." Her hand caught hold of my sleeve as she fell, laughing, to the ground, her legs behind her and heels tucked beneath her skirt.
"Leo, are we idrunk?/i" she giggled excitedly.
"No. Well, maybe a ilittle./i" I grinned and held out my hand. She pulled me down beside her and hugged me tight. I felt as if I would die.
"Th...fankyou." she whispered in my ear, as though this was our biggest secret. "For being you, Leo. Thank... thankyou."
I knew it was going to happen before I could do anything to stop it. My mouth met hers, lips slipping over lips, moist from the damp night air. We stood up, mid-embrace, clinging on to each other's jackets and caressing cheeks as if we had been waiting for years. I had. At that point, her feelings were as unclear as the smallest of fish in the vastest of oceans. My mind was so confused I doubted I could remember my own name.
"Piper....." I pulled back, sat back on my heels. My mind was turning catapults.
She gasped, as if only just realising what we had done. My vision was filled with images of her, images of what had just happened. I couldn't think, not with her form looming over me, not with my mind screaming at me to just run.
So I did.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." My eyes wouldn't meet hers, my legs felt like lead weights attached to my pelvis. I could neither move nor stay; I was stuck in a position that hurt more than any pain on this earth. "I've... I've got to go......"
Footsteps thundered into the night, and it only occurred to me hours later than they were my own. She said no words, uttered no sounds, until I was so far away, they were mere unheard whispers, dissolved in the night sky.
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That night no sleep was to be found. I heard her come in at around three, but still my mind rolled inside itself, crowded with too many ideas and images to comprehend. I was desperate to know what she was feeling, but terrified to at the same time. She had kissed me back, hadn't she? Was it just the drink? Did she feel as I did? The questions spun before my eyes and I stumbled into the darkness of my room as her key turned in the lock. I doubted words would come, even if we were faced with each other right there and then.
No words would surface, but they would torment me a million times that night. In my head I confessed my love to her a thousand times. We kissed, hugged, laughed... I was happier than ever. But at the same time, she stood shell-shocked, eyes downcast, and whispered that she had only ever thought of us as friends. Nothing more. And my heart would hammer in my chest cavity, and breath catch in my throat.
A brilliant sun rose over the horizon at five, streaming through voile curtains and burning into my eyes. Sleep had been found just half an hour earlier, and even it was filled with thoughts of Piper, of last night, of the terror of ever leaving this room. I dreaded losing her forever. I dreaded what she'd say to me this morning, or even what I'd say to her. My feelings were so unclear in my own head. The mere idea of explaining the muddle of emotions flooding my brian to her was beyond comprehension.
I lay there for an hour. Sixty whole minutes of wondering what was best. Should I move out? Should we talk things through? Should I just leave and keep running, running until my feet burned through the ground and the tarmac swallowed me whole?
Three thousand, six hundred seconds. I wish time flied. I wish I could step inside a time machine and be whizzed into the future. Where I wouldn't have to face her, where I wouldn't have to hear her sweet voice again. For as much as I loved that voice, the idea of losing the luxury of hearing it everyday sent daggers through my heart.
06:32, the green LCD display screamed at me. My stomach rumbled, lacking food and swimming in alcohol. Butterflies swam in my chest, but I knew I had to get up. I needed to get out of this apartment. Out of these rooms filled of her, her scent, her clothes. Out of Piper and the world she inhabited.
Ten minutes later, and I was lacing up my running shoes. The pictures from last night lay as a bitter reminder of what we had once been, just two friends without a care in the world. The fourth photo, where our utter simplicity had been broken down further. Into the black and white flecks of time. Black and white flecks, each and every one showing a piece of love, of hilarity, of comfort. Of trust and honesty. And in a mere split second of time, each of those flecks had been dissolved and separated, scattered alone into a sea of distrust and confusion.
06:50, laces tied, picture placed face down on my desk. Eyes closed, ready to run until I could run no longer. Reading to get out into the bright of dawn and feel rubber pound against heatened concrete, to feel the sea breeze blowing my hair into the wind. To feel sweat sliding slowly down my back, and heat flooding into my body as my breath became heavier. But it wasn't to happen.
"Le... Leo?"
My whole body froze. I could no more move than I could fly. Words were stuck in my throat, and my lungs could no longer fill with the air. The idea of turning around terrified me more than throwing myself out the window, seventeen floors from the hard ground below. It was as if I had forgotten every word that had ever existed.
Finally, after an eternity, one surfaced.
"Piper."
Silence. A cough. "You....you going for a run?"
"Um, yeah. I...I thought I might."
"Mind if I come?"
Yes, my heart screamed. Please, just leave me alone. I don't want to hear your words or have this conversation. I want to disappear into the sands of time and be forgotten. You don't love me like I love you. Please....
"Leo?"
I put on a smile and turned around. "Sure..." But the sight of her blew me away.
Hair tousled, eyes sleepy, traces of silver eyeshadow still decorating her lids. Blue robe slung over her shoulders, pyjamas on back to front and inside out. I couldn't help but grin.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. You seen yourself today?" She smiled, shyly, as if this was a blind date arranged by a mutual friend.
Our eyes met, but no words sparked the air. And there she was again. Piper. My Piper. The best fiend I'd ever had. She cocked her head to the left and opened her arms for me. Bowing my head, I walked to her slowly, leant down and wrapped my arms around her sleepy form, leaning into her embrace. Five words left her lips.
"We've got to talk, hun." I blew hot breath to her shoulder, releasing all the images I had developed over night in my head. All the words she had screamed at ne, in my own mind, all the hurt faces she'd worn.
"I know."
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A run soon turned to a jog, and that supposed jog became a slow walk as the headaches of hangovers hit us both. We ran in silence, and jogged calling the occasional "Wait up!" or "Slow down." But with walking came the inability to remain quiet. When your shoulder brushes someone else's every second step you take, and your breathing returns to normal, you must speak the truth.
"Why did you kiss me, Leo?"
The question shocked me. Not because of it's nature; Piper had the right to know. But it's content. iI/i kissed iher/i. It hadn't hit before then. Not really. And suddenly it did, with all the force of a speeding bullet.
I stopped, dropped to my heels, buried my head in my hands. Leaning against the railing separating the sea from the land, I could hear my own heart thunder in my chest.
I felt her hands take mine and force them from my eyes, fingertips rubbing at my palms.
"It's okay. I just need to know why. I need to know if it's why I think it was."
My eyes still remained closed, delighting in the blackness and sea breeze caressing the lids.
"Leo, are you in love with me?"
I sucked in the air, and forced my eyes open. Open to her face, to wisps of hair caught in the wind, to eyes full of more honesty than I had ever known. To the face I knew better than my own.
"I used to."
A minnow of doubt swam through her eyes, and they closed to mine.
"U...Used to?"
"Mmm." I flexed my fingers against hers. "What did you think it was?"
"That you still loved me." Golden pools opened to me once again, shimmering liquid trust in the early sun. "Do you?"
The truth. Even I didn't know the truth anymore. I was so wrapped up in my work and my thoughts, the truth seemed so unreal, so distant from this life. But in the beauty of the moment and the loving in her eyes, a word came to my lips before I could stop it floating into the air.
"Yes."
Beauty. In my eyes, she held the beauty of the world. Not just in her perfect legs or silken hair, but in her heart. Honest, truthful, loving to a fault. She found beauty in the smallest of things, the things that anyone else would dismiss out of hand.
She kissed me. A small kiss, our lips exploring one anothers, her hand gently touching my cheek, in all it's softness. We stayed there for long, gorgeous minutes, letting the sun warm our faces, letting the feelings creep into our hearts. Tingles shivered through my whole body as her tongue slipped over mine, and my hand held on to hers in a new way.
I had found my faith in love again.
A picture of her. A picture taken just hours ago, lying face down atop a pile of sheets of paper. A picture of us, of what we are, broken into the black and white flecks of life.
Truth beauty, and a picture of you, Piper. A picture of us, dissolved into black and white. A picture taken so many years ago that it seems like yesterday. It's framed and enlarged above my desk, where my sixth book lies half finished. I'm sitting in the worn leather seat; you sit on my lap and trail kisses down my neck. I catch your cheek and stroke it gently, bringing your face to mine and we kiss lightly, my fingers weaving into your hair and other hand falling to the round of your stomach.
Our wedding rings glint in the light of dusk.
Fin.
I was never like other kids, really. Whereas they cried when our first grade teacher yelled at them, I would take it all with a solemn face and pounding heart. I would never cry. If I hurt myself, I wouldn't scream and shout there and then, or weep my lungs out. I would wrap the wound in antiseptic cream and swathes of plasters, and go on playing. I would only cry once on my own.
This is, perhaps, my biggest flaw. I never could reveal my emotions to other people. I could barely admit them to myself, if the truth be told. I would cry once the screams had long died down, once I had got home and locked myself in my bedroom. The best example of this from my childhood was a fight I had with my beloved brother Gary.
As the younger sibling, I had looked up to Gary from the moment I could crawl. Endless times I had been told the story of how I followed him about on my hands and knees. He was my mentor, my hero, my best friend. One day, when I was ten, he screamed that he hated me.
"Just go away, you little cunt! I hate you! Leave me alone!" He watched my reaction, seeing that solemn face so many people had before him. His hand flew to the door and yanked it open, so hard that I was sure it would come off the hinges. With fire in his eyes, he glared at me. "Out."
I saw his eyes, the storm breaking before his pupils, his lightening anger in this moment. And I walked slowly out, letting each foot hit the floor, letting each breath enter and leave my lungs. I walked the entire length of the hall, open and closed my door, and sat down on my bed before the tears came.
And it continued into adulthood. This lack of willing to show emotions. This fear that the feeling would never be reciprocated. A fear of loving, maybe.
Age twenty-two and fresh out of university, I left country living for a more urban existence. A two bedroom flat was quickly found in San Francisco, my chosen destination for a career in writing, and hopefully my first book. The rent was too steep for me to have any hope of ever affording it myself, so, a few days later, I advertised for a flatmate. The offers came in thick and fast. I saw over sixty people over three days. The forth day, only one person called. I told her to come straight on over. Her name was Piper Halliwell.
By the phonecall, she was everything I had been looking for. A native of the city, she knew every backalley of the place, where the best clubs were, every inch of tarmaced street. She was also just out of uni; working as a nurse at San Francisco Memorial. We shared music tastes and were both vegetarians. It was as if I'd known her all my life, and we were yet to meet in person.
The intercom buzzed with her voice, and I let her up immediately. When the knock at the door came, I had no idea what I was letting myself into.
She was gorgeous; long brown hair, beautiful golden eyes. Her voice filled the place like silken velvet. But it was more than a physical attraction, I knew that from the word go. I also knew the feelings weren't reciprocated. She was lovely; friendly, cheerful, funny; but from the way she addressed me, I knew that she didn't feel the same. Nevertheless, when she asked if I had any other potential flatmates, I shook my head dumbly and asked if she would like the room. And with those five simple words, my whole world was heavenly.
Weeks passed, and it became clear we were well matched as flatmates. She showed me all the sites, we went to the clubs. Our days were spent mostly apart, me writing my first book, or attempting to, while she attended to the sick and injured of the city. Yet with the evening came the two of us, curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a classic film in the VCR. We were the best of mates, and I was happy with just that.
Yes, I loved her. I had loved her since the moment she walked through my front door. But as the months and eventually years passed, I, in my typical way, bottled up my feelings. I even convinced myself they didn't exist, and despite the constant ribbing from our friends that we would make a perfect couple, I was, for once, sure that we wouldn't. Because I knew as soon as anything like that happened, I would lose Piper forever.
Boyfriends came and went, and I was always there for her. Girlfriends were fewer for me, but still, we were their with bottles of vodka and huge bars of chocolate for each other when it all went dreadfully wrong. I became more aware of my love for her at these times, as she lay sobbing in my arms. I would love her for caring so much, for giving her whole heart to one person. I would hate that person for not having loved her back as much. But each time, I felt like she was running away from me, as my hand was held out for her to take me along. She would disappear into the distance as I took my hand back to my side. She was my best fiend, but we could never be anything more. I knew that in her heart of hearts it wasn't what she wanted, so I would once again buried my true feelings, as I always had.
Three years passed easily, the seconds slipping by as if time itself was running away from us. My first book hit the shelves of bookshops all over America, my second one was well on it's way to completion. It was early May when it happened.
She came home sobbing her heart out, mascara running down her cheeks and hair all askew. Trails of tears stained her cheeks, salt tracks of unhappiness. Immediately I stopped writing and ran to her collapsed form on our old couch.
"Piper? Honey? What's wrong?" I stroked her hair from behind her ears. My eyes were intent on her face.
A sob, a muffled answer. "Bastard."
"Steve?" By the frantic sobbing I had guessed correctly.
"He's been cheating on me." I hated him in that moment. More than I had ever hated anyone. Not because he had cheated on her, or because he didn't care as much as she did. But because he had made her walk home in the pouring rain, crying. Because she had lost her pride, and the luxury to be able to cry alone.
"Sssshh, sweetie, he's not worth it." She sat to face me and I curled my arms around her form.
"I thought he loved me, Leo. I really did." Her hot tears ran against my neck. My heart cried for her with it's each and every beat.
"It's okay. D'you know why it's okay?" I asked her, pulling her hair away from her face and gazing into those brown eyes I loved so much.
"Why?" she croaked, hoarse from crying. I placed a kiss to her forehead.
"Because! Because Jason is having a party tonight, and we've been invited." I grinned at her slowly changing expression. "And you can get iextremely/i pissed, forget about Steve and get shacked up with some gorgeous young hunk of a man." I smiled at her sorry face. She laughed and grinned.
"You never fail to cheer me up, do you?" Piper's voice ran true and clear through my ears. I swept her up in a hug.
"Right. You shower, I'll dress....then we can both go out on the pull, okay?" I grinned at her, and she punched my arm.
"We're gonna find you a girl, boy!" She teased, racing to the bathroom. The reassuring hum of the shower filled the apartment and I grinned after her.
I loved her more than ever. But I would never dare tell her.
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centerbTruth, Beauty And A Picture Of You/center/b
She was across from me on the dance floor, her arms making patterns in the air, dancing along to a song I recognised as one of our favourites. I stood, leaning against the makeshift bar, a beer in one hand, watching her every moment, watching her dance and grin at me. Jason leaned over, took my empty bottle, and replaced it with a full one. Was that my fifth? Or sixth? I had no idea. I was pretty far gone.
"Go for it, mate." I could hear Jason's words, but had no idea of what he meant.
"What?" I stumbled, grinning, to face him, my gaze lingering on Piper to check she was still okay. And in truth, that was all it was. A friend, seeing if another friend was okay.
"You love her, don't you?" he yelled above the music, screaming from the speakers.
"Piper?" I asked, my brow furrowing in confusion. I ran my fingers through my hair, and he nodded.
"It ain't half obvious, mate." I was sobering up quickly now. As someone else confirmed them, my feelings for Piper were suddenly liquid crystal clear. My gaze fell to the worn wood of the bar.
"I used to, maybe." I allowed, the words slipping too easily from my lips for my tongue to stop them, falling like metal weights to the ground. His silence scared me.
"Used to?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure anymore... It was so long ago, Jase.... I don't know what to think. Anyway, look at her, man." My gaze dropped round to Piper's, her sleek form, those eyes I knew so well, dazzling me every time they met mine. "She's no more interested in me than three years ago. She doesn't see me like that."
"Leo?" my name hung in the air. "You have to tell her, mate." My heart was pounding. My hands were slipping over one another, clammy with sweat, eyelashes stuck to each other as blink after blink came and dissolved into time. Snapshots of moments so similar to these, flooding my mind. Snapshots of times where I had convinced myself so completely that we were just friends. Her form, pressed to mine, holding me as I wept my heart into the soft lace covering her shoulders. Knowing I loved her, telling myself not to. Telling myself not to love, because I knew that I would lose her. We weren't meant for what I had secretly longed for, for so long. So secret that I had even hidden it from myself.
"I can't Jase. It would never work... it just wouldn't. Anyway, that's in the past now. We're just mates." I believed that the day I said it. I thoroughly believed that I was speaking the truth. Only now can I see the difference between the truth in my head and the truth crowding my heart.
Then suddenly she was there, laughing, her arms wrapped round my waist and head resting on my shoulder. "Leo? Wanna go?" she grinned at Jason, and an uneasy smile formed on his lips.
"Heya Piper."
"Sure..." As my hands reached up and took hold of hers, our fingers intertwining, I could feel Jase's glances. "I'll get our coats."
Her eyes followed me from the room as they always did. Followed, watching, watching my every movement. We were so comfortable with each other, it hurt. I wanted those flutters of excitement, those feelings of ecstasy, those awkward silences. And I'd have them, occasionally. Simply because Piper was Piper. But as much as I had ever known it, and a thousand times more, nothing more could never happen.
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We were both out of our minds that night. Half an hour later, we finally left the party, each with a beer in hand, and a bottle of champers tucked inside my jacket. We walked along the waterfront laughing until our stomachs hurt. Before I knew what was happening, our condensing breath was warming each other's mouths.
Our eyes met; I could see the love in hers. The love I had denied existed. Maybe...maybe it was the drink, I didn't know. But I would stop it, now. My eyes raced around us.
"A photo booth!" I dragged her hand over to the lit booth in front of a small cafe. "Okay, I want you... " I wiped a smear of lipstick from Piper's chin. "To look your absolute worst, funniest, drunken self." She smiled at me, and grabbed the back of my jacket.
"Come on!!!"
center~^~^~^~/center
Me watching her face, her lips all askew and cross-eyed.
iSnap./i
My hair ruffled and sticking up, my eyebrows arched. Her pulling golden strands into the air.
iSnap./i
Our heads pressed together, tongues sticking out, eyes still meeting slightly, just in the corners.
iSnap./i
Us, just looking, she with her typical, wholly genuine grin, me with my open mouthed look of contentment. Dazzling smiles, glinting eyes. Friends.
iSnap./i
"This photo....." I held it up to the light of a street lamp. It was the last one, the one of us just as us. "I'm going to get it enlarged, and framed. It'll go up, in front of me as I write...." I grinned drunkenly at her, my shoulder draped over her shoulders. "This is us, Piper. This photo..." I showed it to her. "This is us."
She swigged from the bottle of champagne, half empty already, and took the strip of black and white from me. "Great....great photo." Her hand caught hold of my sleeve as she fell, laughing, to the ground, her legs behind her and heels tucked beneath her skirt.
"Leo, are we idrunk?/i" she giggled excitedly.
"No. Well, maybe a ilittle./i" I grinned and held out my hand. She pulled me down beside her and hugged me tight. I felt as if I would die.
"Th...fankyou." she whispered in my ear, as though this was our biggest secret. "For being you, Leo. Thank... thankyou."
I knew it was going to happen before I could do anything to stop it. My mouth met hers, lips slipping over lips, moist from the damp night air. We stood up, mid-embrace, clinging on to each other's jackets and caressing cheeks as if we had been waiting for years. I had. At that point, her feelings were as unclear as the smallest of fish in the vastest of oceans. My mind was so confused I doubted I could remember my own name.
"Piper....." I pulled back, sat back on my heels. My mind was turning catapults.
She gasped, as if only just realising what we had done. My vision was filled with images of her, images of what had just happened. I couldn't think, not with her form looming over me, not with my mind screaming at me to just run.
So I did.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." My eyes wouldn't meet hers, my legs felt like lead weights attached to my pelvis. I could neither move nor stay; I was stuck in a position that hurt more than any pain on this earth. "I've... I've got to go......"
Footsteps thundered into the night, and it only occurred to me hours later than they were my own. She said no words, uttered no sounds, until I was so far away, they were mere unheard whispers, dissolved in the night sky.
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That night no sleep was to be found. I heard her come in at around three, but still my mind rolled inside itself, crowded with too many ideas and images to comprehend. I was desperate to know what she was feeling, but terrified to at the same time. She had kissed me back, hadn't she? Was it just the drink? Did she feel as I did? The questions spun before my eyes and I stumbled into the darkness of my room as her key turned in the lock. I doubted words would come, even if we were faced with each other right there and then.
No words would surface, but they would torment me a million times that night. In my head I confessed my love to her a thousand times. We kissed, hugged, laughed... I was happier than ever. But at the same time, she stood shell-shocked, eyes downcast, and whispered that she had only ever thought of us as friends. Nothing more. And my heart would hammer in my chest cavity, and breath catch in my throat.
A brilliant sun rose over the horizon at five, streaming through voile curtains and burning into my eyes. Sleep had been found just half an hour earlier, and even it was filled with thoughts of Piper, of last night, of the terror of ever leaving this room. I dreaded losing her forever. I dreaded what she'd say to me this morning, or even what I'd say to her. My feelings were so unclear in my own head. The mere idea of explaining the muddle of emotions flooding my brian to her was beyond comprehension.
I lay there for an hour. Sixty whole minutes of wondering what was best. Should I move out? Should we talk things through? Should I just leave and keep running, running until my feet burned through the ground and the tarmac swallowed me whole?
Three thousand, six hundred seconds. I wish time flied. I wish I could step inside a time machine and be whizzed into the future. Where I wouldn't have to face her, where I wouldn't have to hear her sweet voice again. For as much as I loved that voice, the idea of losing the luxury of hearing it everyday sent daggers through my heart.
06:32, the green LCD display screamed at me. My stomach rumbled, lacking food and swimming in alcohol. Butterflies swam in my chest, but I knew I had to get up. I needed to get out of this apartment. Out of these rooms filled of her, her scent, her clothes. Out of Piper and the world she inhabited.
Ten minutes later, and I was lacing up my running shoes. The pictures from last night lay as a bitter reminder of what we had once been, just two friends without a care in the world. The fourth photo, where our utter simplicity had been broken down further. Into the black and white flecks of time. Black and white flecks, each and every one showing a piece of love, of hilarity, of comfort. Of trust and honesty. And in a mere split second of time, each of those flecks had been dissolved and separated, scattered alone into a sea of distrust and confusion.
06:50, laces tied, picture placed face down on my desk. Eyes closed, ready to run until I could run no longer. Reading to get out into the bright of dawn and feel rubber pound against heatened concrete, to feel the sea breeze blowing my hair into the wind. To feel sweat sliding slowly down my back, and heat flooding into my body as my breath became heavier. But it wasn't to happen.
"Le... Leo?"
My whole body froze. I could no more move than I could fly. Words were stuck in my throat, and my lungs could no longer fill with the air. The idea of turning around terrified me more than throwing myself out the window, seventeen floors from the hard ground below. It was as if I had forgotten every word that had ever existed.
Finally, after an eternity, one surfaced.
"Piper."
Silence. A cough. "You....you going for a run?"
"Um, yeah. I...I thought I might."
"Mind if I come?"
Yes, my heart screamed. Please, just leave me alone. I don't want to hear your words or have this conversation. I want to disappear into the sands of time and be forgotten. You don't love me like I love you. Please....
"Leo?"
I put on a smile and turned around. "Sure..." But the sight of her blew me away.
Hair tousled, eyes sleepy, traces of silver eyeshadow still decorating her lids. Blue robe slung over her shoulders, pyjamas on back to front and inside out. I couldn't help but grin.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. You seen yourself today?" She smiled, shyly, as if this was a blind date arranged by a mutual friend.
Our eyes met, but no words sparked the air. And there she was again. Piper. My Piper. The best fiend I'd ever had. She cocked her head to the left and opened her arms for me. Bowing my head, I walked to her slowly, leant down and wrapped my arms around her sleepy form, leaning into her embrace. Five words left her lips.
"We've got to talk, hun." I blew hot breath to her shoulder, releasing all the images I had developed over night in my head. All the words she had screamed at ne, in my own mind, all the hurt faces she'd worn.
"I know."
~^~^~^~
A run soon turned to a jog, and that supposed jog became a slow walk as the headaches of hangovers hit us both. We ran in silence, and jogged calling the occasional "Wait up!" or "Slow down." But with walking came the inability to remain quiet. When your shoulder brushes someone else's every second step you take, and your breathing returns to normal, you must speak the truth.
"Why did you kiss me, Leo?"
The question shocked me. Not because of it's nature; Piper had the right to know. But it's content. iI/i kissed iher/i. It hadn't hit before then. Not really. And suddenly it did, with all the force of a speeding bullet.
I stopped, dropped to my heels, buried my head in my hands. Leaning against the railing separating the sea from the land, I could hear my own heart thunder in my chest.
I felt her hands take mine and force them from my eyes, fingertips rubbing at my palms.
"It's okay. I just need to know why. I need to know if it's why I think it was."
My eyes still remained closed, delighting in the blackness and sea breeze caressing the lids.
"Leo, are you in love with me?"
I sucked in the air, and forced my eyes open. Open to her face, to wisps of hair caught in the wind, to eyes full of more honesty than I had ever known. To the face I knew better than my own.
"I used to."
A minnow of doubt swam through her eyes, and they closed to mine.
"U...Used to?"
"Mmm." I flexed my fingers against hers. "What did you think it was?"
"That you still loved me." Golden pools opened to me once again, shimmering liquid trust in the early sun. "Do you?"
The truth. Even I didn't know the truth anymore. I was so wrapped up in my work and my thoughts, the truth seemed so unreal, so distant from this life. But in the beauty of the moment and the loving in her eyes, a word came to my lips before I could stop it floating into the air.
"Yes."
Beauty. In my eyes, she held the beauty of the world. Not just in her perfect legs or silken hair, but in her heart. Honest, truthful, loving to a fault. She found beauty in the smallest of things, the things that anyone else would dismiss out of hand.
She kissed me. A small kiss, our lips exploring one anothers, her hand gently touching my cheek, in all it's softness. We stayed there for long, gorgeous minutes, letting the sun warm our faces, letting the feelings creep into our hearts. Tingles shivered through my whole body as her tongue slipped over mine, and my hand held on to hers in a new way.
I had found my faith in love again.
A picture of her. A picture taken just hours ago, lying face down atop a pile of sheets of paper. A picture of us, of what we are, broken into the black and white flecks of life.
Truth beauty, and a picture of you, Piper. A picture of us, dissolved into black and white. A picture taken so many years ago that it seems like yesterday. It's framed and enlarged above my desk, where my sixth book lies half finished. I'm sitting in the worn leather seat; you sit on my lap and trail kisses down my neck. I catch your cheek and stroke it gently, bringing your face to mine and we kiss lightly, my fingers weaving into your hair and other hand falling to the round of your stomach.
Our wedding rings glint in the light of dusk.
Fin.