TITLE: "Play" (1/1)
AUTHOR: Marie-Claude Danis
EMAIL: mc@fangy.net
SITE: http://fangy.net
FEEDBACK: Would be delightful!
DISTRIB: List archives, or just ask.
SPOILERS: "Bargaining" Part I
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Spike does some growing up and hates it.

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I want to play.

I want to throw things, steal things, break things. I want to loot, to set ablaze, to run amok. I want to destroy until my hands bleed. I want to lie, cheat and betray. I want to break promises and necks, and when I tire, I want to kill. I want to spill fresh blood, and let some go to waste. I want to be carefree again, not give a shit, do as I please. I want the demon to roar and laugh and rule again. What I want, I would take. And make a mess while I was at it. Just to be a nuisance.

I want to be me again, not the me I was born as, but the second version, the nasty thing, the one that people noticed, feared, respected perversely. The thing of nightmares, with blood on his hands, a glint in his eye and a song in his heart. The thing that inspired lesser men, that made them follow him blindly. I want to be the demon again, the vampire, the monster - I WANT TO BE BAD.

I want it so much I can taste it.

I watch the mayhem around us, transfixed, and the kid holds on to me. Her little hand on my shoulder is barely there but feels like an iron grip, quelling my urges, soothing what rages inside. Driving the nail home. Underlining the guilt, the remorse, the regrets. I'm good for nothing, useless, in the way. I can't do anything right. I can't even be bad, and they won't let me be good.

I want to please, to help, to care for. I want a genuine smile in my direction, a pat on the back, a kind word. I want to take all the protectiveness I have inside me and cover someone with it, for real this time, and prove that I can do that right, at least. And the world should be scared of the Big Bad, because there's no chip in the world that would hold me back if that which is in my care is hurt, even a little.

I want to be bad, if I have to. In the meantime, I can be good.



END