Glad To Be Mage
(To the tune of "Glad To Be Gay" by TRB)
With apologies and admiration for the Tom Robinson Band (TRB), quite likely one of the best obscure political rock groups to ever come out of England.
If you want to find the original lyrics, go to www.tomrobinson.com
The singer, a young, nervous-looking man, fiddled with his guitar and brought the microphone close to his face. It squealed, and he had to adjust it.
"This song is dedicated to Min--to the Ministry of Magic. It's a magical song," he added by way of clarification. "It concerns something that is, according to the Malleus Maleficarum, 'the possession and practice of ungodly powers'." He grinned, and started strumming his guitar.
The Catholic priests are the best in the world
I don't believe one of these stories I've heard
About them raiding our pubs for no reason at all
Lining the customers up by the wall
Picking out people, making a stir
Dousing us with jugs of holy water
Giving us duckings and burns at the stake
This must be all some kind of awful mistake
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way-age
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way
Goths, Punks, Satanists, New Agers are fun
People who worship the moon and the sun
Us warlocks are mostly the mid of the road
But they still want us to go turn into toads
Hera how disgusting we are from the mouth
Of some Biblethumper from KKK south
Sex slaves of Satan, corrupters of youth
Here, take a pamphlet--it's all the truth
So try and...
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way-age
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way
If you get baptized, we'll flog you with birch
Then you'll be safe from our closed-minded church
You don't have to wear the hat or ride a broom
To make sure fundamentalists give you gloom
I had a friend who could turn into a dog
He was bored one evening, he went for a jog
Muggle punks knocked the guy down in their van
And now they've sent him to Azkaban
(But I helped him escape...)
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way-age
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way
And sit back and watch as they close down our schools
Burn all our wands and our magical tools
Make sure your broomstick can't be seen in flight
Send out your Owl Post only at night
Lie to your schoolmates--say you've been sent
To a private academy; that's where you went
Act quite convincingly; you're on a stage
Then one day you will show them deadly rage
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way-age
Sing if you're glad to be mage
Sing if you're happy that way