DISCLAIMER:
Not Mine. Matt Groening is one of the
funniest people alive and he ROCKS. And I'm sure he cares about this little
embarrassment of a story about as much as I care who won the last campus
football game.
DISCLAIMER PART 2: Another collaboration with
ReluctantDragon (our other one is the Darth Maul story so many people liked),
who can be very funny when he sits down and puts his pompous mind to it. I have
to say that if you're used to my normal fan fiction which is
"tweaked" and all, you might not like this. It's grammatically
correct but hastily written with very little plot or sense to it. However it
was fun to write, and should make at least a few people laugh.
Rating: Barely PG. It's pretty Disney™ here
folks.
Summary: Leela gets kidnapped on her birthday
resulting in a search and rescue. It's stupid. But funny :)
FUTURAMA
--AVAILABLE IN MARTIAN ON MPA1--
SCENE: ALL standing in the DOCKING BAY except
AIMI who is inside the SHIP.
FRY: Wow. We got to deliver packages to a
nudist colony. I've already achieved one of my lifetime goals and I'm only
1,000 and some change!
PROFESSOR: (whispering) "Did you all
remember that tomorrow is Leela's birthday?"
BENDER: "I did! Here you go,
Leela." (He walks up to her in the pilot seat and hands her a pair of sunglasses
that he ripped off from one of the colonists. In the process, he manages to
break them.)
BENDER: Ah well, it's the thought that
counts! (he walks away, stepping on them on his way out.)
LEELA: Gee, thanks Bender.
AIMI (from the ship): Has anyone seen my
sunglasses?
~~THEME SONG~~
SCENE: Everyone is back at the base, sitting
at the table with their breakfast.
LEELA: Actually, I don't know when I was
born. Today is the anniversary of the day I got my ID chip installed. (she taps
the back of her neck)
PROFESSOR: Time for presents! (he hands her a
large, oddly-shaped box wrapped in pink paper.)
LEELA: (opens the package to find a strange
machine.) Oh, thank you professor (politely.) "...what is it?"
PROFESSOR: (proudly) it's an automatic
megalomaniacal hyperbaric remote control holder. I made it myself!
(FRY looks around the room, realizing he has
no present. He starts checking his pockets.)
DR. ZOIDBERG: I got you these eel eggs.. (he
holds out a box, unwrapped and empty) but I compulsively ate them. Oh, I
couldn't help myself! (sobs, hangs head in shame.)
FRY: (digging into his pocket, pulls
something out and hands it to Leela.) Here ya go Leela, I got you some string!
You can use it to tie things.
LEELA: (looking increasingly depressed) Thank
you Dr. Zoidberg... Fry.
Enter ZAP BRANAGAN, who knocks on the door
and strolls in as if he owns the place.
ZAP: Hello, my looovely one-eyed goddess. (he
hands her a present in a tiny box, which she unwraps sullenly.)
FRY: Aw, man! He got you the same thing as me!
ZAP: ladies underwear?
FRY: Uch, no! string!
HERMES: Here you go Leela. I bought you a car
freshener, to make up for Fry.
(LEELA looks as if thinks this is the best
gift she's received so far.)
AIMI: I wrote you a poem! Want to hear it?
LEELA: Um.. well...
AIMI: ahem:
"Leela, Leela, you have one eye/Little
Leela, you have no guy/You take out your agression when you fly/And always have
to deal with Fry./If I were you, I'd want to die"
AIMI grins happily. SILENCE FOLLOWS.
AIMI: See, it's about how I admire your
strength.
LEELA: (glaring) That's it. Come on, Nibbler,
let's go. (she stalks out followed by NIBBLER.)
FRY: Way to go, *AIMI*
PROFESSOR: (shrugs)I thought it was good.
SCENE: right outside the building, LEELA gets
knocked out and kidnapped. We don't see by whom. FADE OUT.
----Commercial: (c)LucasArts, 30th Century
Fox
LIGHTSABER SOUNDS
We see a bearded head in a jar. He speaks:
HEAD IN JAR: Hi, I'm George Lucas. I'm here
to tell you about my next movie, Star Wars: Special Edition, Episode XII- The
Return of the Phantom Menace Strikes a New Hope. Seeing as I have spent all my
money on special effects, I don't have any money left for advertising. But
that's okay, because years of merchandising and cheap commercialism have
brainwashed generation after generation into seeing my movies, so I know I'll
make a few billion even if the movie sucks. Thank you, and May the Force Be
With You!-----
BACK TO FUTURAMA
SCENE: LEELA wakes up surrounded by a tribe
of giant crack-smoking orange and purple arthropods.
LEELA: Gaa! Who are you?
CRACK SMOKING ORANGE AND PURPLE ARTHROPOD #1:
We are the Trebull, which in your language means Giant Crack Smoking Orange and
Purple Arthropods. (it sniffles loudly.) Welcome to Trebullaville, where you
will be our queen.
LEELA: Wha-?
CSOPA #2: (sniffles) You are the one
prophecied to save our race from the Evil Fly Swatter Ant Squadron, a terrorist
group from the planet Grelcor.
CSOPA #1: Yes, the One-Eyed Princess, Ruler
of the Skies who will destroy them all!
LEELA: Princess? Ruler? ...hey wait! Where's
Nibbler?
CSOPA#1: (sniffling) We have ...taken care of
your little friend. (he nods to an attendant who opens a curtain, revealing
NIBBLER inside a large cage. He is being fed a large elephant every few seconds
and looks quite content, ignoring Leela completely.)
LEELA realizes she is all alone. She screams.
BACK TO THE PACKAGE DELIVERY BASE.
FRY is watching TV. Pounding Leela's remote
control holder on the couch, he accidentally breaks it. He shoves it under
the couch and whisltes, twiddles thumbs.
Enter PROFESSOR.
PROFESSOR: Have you seen Leela?
FRY: I didn't do it. nobody saw me do it.
can't prove anything!
PROFESSOR: Huh?
FRY: Bart Simpson? Hello?
AIMI enters, eating a big piece of birthday
cake.
AIMI: Leela has been gone an awfully long
time...
DR. ZOIDBERG is right behind her.
DR. Z: She'll come back. (sinisterly) They
always come back...
PROFESSOR: This will be the perfect time to
test my new invention. Forgive me, but with the help of Dr. Zoidberg here, I
put chips in brains while you were sleeping last night. They are connected to
tiny cameras on the back of your retinas, allowing me to see what you see.
FRY claws at his ears. OTHERS are aghast.
DR. ZOIDBERG: Those aren't your retinas. Your
retina is here. (he points at his fingernails)
FRY: Oh. Okay.
There is a moment of silence. FRY scratches
his butt. PROFESSOR cringes.
AIMI: Let's go find Leela.
They exit.
CUT TO SHIP.
BENDER is in the cockpit pretending to be a
pilot, making shooting noises.
BENDER: Take that, human scum! Death to all
humans!
Enter FRY: hey Bender.
BENDER: Hey Fry. (He goes back to killing
imaginary humans. FRY watches.)
FRY: We're gonna go find Leela.
BENDER: Alright, but I wanna stop down in the
Robot sector and get a lube job.
FRY: Ew! Augh. Oh, thanks for sharing.
Pervert!
BENDER: (innocently) what?
AIMI comes in to fly the ship, and turns up
the radio loud.
BENDER: Woohoo! Hear dat salsa beat!
They ALL start salsa dancing: Fry with
Bender, Hermes and Dr. Z, while AIMI drives. The music heavy metal-like and is
totally inappropriate for salsa.
CUT to OUTSIDE VIEW OF SHIP.
AIMI swerves the ship in time with the music,
hitting various buildings on the way.
BENDER (voiceover): She's not at the library.
They go to location #2.
DR. ZOIDBERG: She's not at the local
convenience store.
They fly away to location #3. We hear a
shrill female scream, and then-
FRY: She's not here in the women's bathroom.
Location #4: We hear another, odd-sounding
scream.
FRY: She's not in this martian strip club
either.
BENDER: Or in this New Jersey Tiki bar. Hey
let's have a few drinks. Looking for Leela is hard work.
CUT SCENE to TIKI BAR, where they have all
stopped for pina coladas.
FRY: You know, if Leela was here, she'd just
be a drag and wouldn't let us have any fun. (He sips his pina colada.)
DR. ZOIDBERG: Yeah, screw Leela.
CUT to GCSOPA SECRET BASE.
Meanwhile, LEELA is still with the orange
arthropods, but is wearing a crown and being fed by an ATTENDANT.
LEELA: no I don't really care for slug
meat... do you have any pizza?"
ENTER GUY, a one-eyed male. He is blonde and
gorgeous, resplendent in royal-looking white tailored clothes and wearing
Reeboks.
GUY: Greetings, my queen.
LEELA blinks and rubs her eye in shock.
LEELA: I can't believe it! Someone else like
me!
CSOPA #1 Guy was raised by our clan to be
your mate. We found him as a child.
CSOPA #2: DNA tests show that the two of you
are not brother and sister, so you can in fact mate.
CSOPA #1: Yes, we learned our lesson last
time!
CSOPA #1 & #2 both CHUCKLE.
LEELA is staring happily at GUY, who has
knelt at her feet.
CUE ACTION MUSIC.
Suddenly, FRY, AIMI, DR. ZOIDBERG and BENDER
drop from ceiling, Mission Impossible style. AIMI falls, lands on GUY's chest,
his eye poked out by her hairpin.
GUY: Ahhhh.... my beautiful eye!!!!! Now I am
a freak of nature!!!!!
AIMI: she's right there....(she points at the
tall throne holding LEELA.) Leela, you look pretty today. Did you do something
with your hair?
LEELA: Actually, I've been using a new
shampoo. It's made of dead enemies of the Trebbula here. See, they've made me
their queen and-
AIMI (overeager): We're here to rescue you.
FRY: (sly look on his face) You haven't been
probed yet, have you?
LEELA: No, Fry, they haven't probed me!
FRY (to BENDER): Alright, start making the
popcorn! We didn't miss it after all!
Enter giant spider creature
"RRROOOAAAAARRRRR!!!"
Popcorn starts popping out of BENDER's
rearend.
AIMI: Bender, you don't need to pop the
popcorn now! Jeeez....
GIANT SPIDER grabs FRY and waves him in the
air triumphantly.
FRY: Don't kill me! My life is flashing
before my eyes!
INSERT SCENE: Images of a commercial for
Slurm run through his head.
FRY: Mmmmmmmm.... Sluuuurrrrmmmmm....
The GIANT SPIDER reaches for AIMI. She
SCREAMS. As the GIANT SPIDER is picking her up and beginning to squeeze, her
hairpin flies out of her hair, stabbing the creature through the heart. AIMI
falls to the ground.
AIMI: (dusting herself off) Man, what a
softy! Wasn't he, Fry?
FRY: Get away from me you crazy mass murderer
(he hides behind BENDER)
DR. ZOIDBERG walks toward the injured,
one-eyed man.
DR. Z: Are you okay?
GUY: Get away from me!!
DR. Z examines the face of GUY.
DR. Z: He's wearing a mask!
PROFESSOR pulls GUY's mask off, revealing him
to be a two eyed lizard creature.
BENDER: Wow! I didn't know anybody would be
that desperate for Leela!
AIMI: Shhhhhh!! She's right there!
LEELA: That's it! I can't be near such a
violent race of people! I'm leaving! (she stalks out, nearly tripping over GUY)
Ugh, to think, I almost had children with his abomination!"
FRY: But, Leela...
LEELA: Not one more word, Fry!
Back on Earth
AIMI: Well, I learned a valuable lesson
today.
LEELA: What would that be, AIMI?
AIMI: That I can kill people with my hairpin!
I'm like a Femme Nikita!
PROFESSOR: Oh god no! I'm not ready to die
yet. Oh cruel, cruel fate!
FRY: And I learned something today, too!
HERMES: You did! That deserves a celebration!
That doesn't happen too often!
ALL around cheer. ALL start to walk out
accept LEELA.
LEELA: What did you learn, Fry? Well?
No response. FRY leans back in his chair,
arms behind his head, ignoring her.
LEELA: Whatever...
FADE OUT.
SCENE: BENDER and FRY sitting at the table
alone.
BENDER: So, what DID you learn, Fry?
FRY: (swigging his beer) Nothing. I knew that
I could convince everybody to have a party if they thought I learned something.
BENDER: Why don't you just try to learn
something?
FRY: I don't want to waste any useful brain
cells.
BENDER: Amen to that, my crazy human....!
BOTH chug down their beers, get up, and began
to dance wildly.
SCENE: the DOCKING BAY, where LEELA, HERMES,
and AIMI are standing around.
ENTER ZAP BRANAGAN.
ZAP: Happy Birthday my dear, sweet Leela.
AIMI: Birthday? When was your birthday?
-FIN
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