Shopping Is Horrible:
A Rival Schools Day
By Apollo Alexandre,
a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma"
By Neusa Gaspar,
a.k.a. "The Judge"
I'll be blunt: I do not
own these characters, I own this story. Don't steal it.
*This is the first Rival
Schools fanfic we made as a duo. *
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May 17, 2001 8:45 A.M.
Akira was slowly creeping into Daigo's room, and allowed
herself entry. She saw her older brother stretched out on his bed: covers
removed, sleeping only with briefs, and made one of those typical sleeping
bubbles anime characters make from their noses. She was whispering into her brother's ear (whispering, meaning
yelling) and said "Daigo! Wake up!" He was still asleep. Once again,
she yelled into his ear "DAIGO!! Get up!!"
Like a rock, he was
unmoved. Then she just plugged his nose. He was struggling before he finally
got up. Daigo muttered, "Will you stop with that?"
"Guess what today is?" Akira asked. Daigo was
dumbfounded by her question. She then answered for him, "It's Big Brother
Day!!"
"Oh, is it that day already? I can even remember the
day you started that family holiday." Gazing into their past, they
remembered when they were only little kids (I really don't know their ages,
thus making things a bit more difficult).
They were walking home from grade school one day, and
little Akira kept on pestering Daigo. She kept on saying menial things about
how she was 5, she knew her addition, and kept on saying that Daigo was her
older brother. Annoyed, he told her to go away. She screeched out a NO and
pushed Daigo on the sidewalk. Feeling sorry about what she had done, she found
a fresh chewed-up piece of gum on the sidewalk an gave it to Daigo. She then said,
"Here you go. Happy Big Brother Day!!" Feeling that he didn't want to
hurt her feelings by not accepting it, he took it.
"I still kept that gum." Daigo stated, then
showed Akira the now chewed-up and grayish bubble gum. She pointed out that he
didn't have to keep the gum. They both saw it disintegrate like in Digimon.
Akira then blindfolded Daigo, saying "I have a
surprise for you! It's in the garage. Watch your head when I tell you."
"Akira, if you wanted to blindfold me, you could
have covered my good eye and left my scarred eye alone. Unless you still
believe that I can see out of this eye, stop it, you know that's not true...
OW!!" Daigo banged his head on the garage door. After guiding him to the
garage, she took off his blindfold. He was then astounded by the gift she gave
him. "Akira, you didn't have to."
"I wanted the best for my big brother." Akira
smirked as she showed him his running motorcycle with bitchin' flames on the
body that spell out Daigo. "I made it myself. Happy Big Brother Day!!"
Obviously, you could tell how happy he was. He then gave
Akira a deadly bear hug. This was cutting off her circulation, and making her
purple all over. Releasing her from his powerful grip, he then went over to the
motorcycle and told her, "I'm gonna give this baby a test drive."
When he started it up, he went bolting backwards, crashing through the garage
door, and crashing into a fence, thus crushing a squirrel. Akira worried about
her brother's safety, but he gave off a simple OK, stating that he was okay,
but the squirrel was not. "Now I'm gonna show this off to the guys. See
you later!" as Daigo drove off in the vicinity.
10:45 A.M.
Edge and Gan were bored and had nothing to do. Then Daigo
parked his chopper right next to Edge's shin. He told his homey-g's that Akira
made, styled, and toiled night and day to work on this motorcycle. He told them
it was for Big Brother's Day.
"Oh man, I have to get my older brother a gift.
Which do you think he'll like more, Marijuana or Cocaine?" Edge panicked.
"Well, looks like those six half-pints are gonna
have to give me a gift. How come I've never heard of this holiday?" Gan
asked.
"It's only in my family." Daigo said. Noticing
that Gan disappeared and Edge is running in the distance, he yelled to him,
"Get back here, you DIPSHIT!"
Running back, Edge asked, "Well, what do we do
now?"
"I got it!" taking Edge with him, Daigo drove
back home and snatched the shopping list before Akira could take it. Driving on
the freeway, they were bored out of their minds because of the long traffic
lines. "This sucks, doesn't it?" Daigo yelled to Edge.
"Nuts to this! I'll walk!" Edge stated.
"NO, YOU IDIOT! WE'RE GOING 70 ON A FREEWAY!!!"
Daigo screamed at the idiotic Edge, but it was too late: Edge screeched as he
landed himself on a series of cars.
2:45 P.M.
Finally, the two finally made it to the supermarket after
getting Edge stitched back up. When they went inside, they divided the list up
while obtaining the necessities. When Daigo was in the cereals aisle, he yelled
over to Edge on the Produce section, "Do you have everything?"
"I have the apples, pears, melons, bananas, peaches,
pistachio nuts, and cashews."
"What about the oranges?"
"Almost."
Puzzled by the statement, he answered back "...WHAT
DO YOU MEAN 'ALMOST'?"
"I
can't find the ripe ones!" After a few seconds pass, he tossed Daigo a
moldy orange. "Is this ripe?"
"Edge...
this orange has mould on it." Tossing it back to Edge, he yelled "Get
the good ones."
"Is
this a good one?" Edge yelled back as he tossed an orange to his boss.
Scientifically
researching this orange, he concluded, "Edge, this orange has white fuzz
on it, you sicko!" Tossing it back to Edge, he commanded, "Get an
orange that doesn't have mould or shudder white fuzz."
Seeing
an old man entering the same aisle that Daigo was in, Edge thought of a theory.
"hhm, I wonder what would happen if I throw this fuzzy orange at a
person. How would they react?" Not looking, he threw the fuzzy orange
back into the cereals aisle, and smacked Daigo in the back in the head. Hearing
his boss yell in disgust warned him about the horror that will happen.
Running
out of the aisle, Daigo yelled at Edge. "Did you just throw that white,
fuzzy piece of shit at me??"
"...
No." Edge quietly said as he ran off in the distance.
"Get
your ass back here, you hyper-spaz." Daigo called out to Edge calmly. When
he returned, he told Edge what to do next. "Now, you get the flour while I
get the baking soda. You hear me?"
"Yes
sir." And the two went on their separate paths. Daigo, after completing
his long journey of obtaining the baking soda from the old supermarket bitch,
he went to the baking goods aisle. He called out, "Edge, where are
you?" He then observed Edge falling on top of his person, along with a
canister of flour, dumping all over them.
"Edge,
go get the toilet paper." Daigo commanded.
"T.P.?"
"Yes,
the damn T.P."
"T.P.?"
"God
dammit!! Just GO!!!!!!!"
Edge
then started his journey to reach the infamous 'magical, mystical T.P'. Edge
then spotted it's location on the top of the toilet paper aisle. "I
see. They have an aisle, solely dedicated to T.P. I understand now, but where's
the brand the boss uses?..." Edge paused to gaze at it's location.
"SHIT!!! I don't wanna go all the way up there! But, I guess I'll have
to. Shit." Edge was soon climbing the shelves, only to have the entire
aisle fall flat on his face. He let out a ear-piercing scream.
"AIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
As
Daigo was approaching the now in ruins T.P. aisle, he saw into the mess,
"Ah, there's the toilet paper." As he was picking it up, he wondered
"Now where's that dipshit Edge?" "Edge!! Get your ass
here now!!!" Daigo yelled out, only to be buried by a mountain of cottony
soft T.P.
"Yeah?"
Edge popped out.
"Alright. We have two items left on the list. Now
I'll get the motorcycle battery, while you'll get the Herbal Essences."
Daigo stated.
"Which one, shampoo, conditioner, or body
wash?"
"Shampoo."
"Intensive Blends or Normal?"
"Normal."
"Raspberry or Lemon?"
"JUST GO!!!"
As Edge was darting off into the distance, he stopped by
the shampoo and bath aisle, only to be astounded by viewing tens upon hundreds
of angry female shoppers beating the living hell out of each other. Edge
approached this the old-fashioned way. Brandishing his lucky knife, he barked
at the girls "OKAY! I got a knife here! Get near me and I'll slice your
breasts off! It's just that simple!" Then, whilst strutting his stuff,
went up to the remaining Herbal Essences bottle. He snatched it, and walked
off. Hearing the women make threats about him taking the last Herbal Essences,
he dashed off with a mob of women behind him. While running, he snagged Daigo
after getting a motorcycle battery.
They would have already left, had they not taken a slow
cashier. It was like a few seconds for every item there was.
"Hey Edge, where did that mob go?"
"...beep..." (scanner)
"I distracted them by throwing that white fuzzy
orange."
"...beep..."
"Nice one Edge."
"Thanks!"
"...beep..."
"Um, can you speed it up a bit?"
"Yeah, work it you old hag!"
They then heard the screams of the mobsters once again.
And all the while the Herbal Essences wasn't responding to the scanner. Edge
thought of a good idea. He knocked the cashier down, and sped through the
items, dropped the payment and dashed off on the motorcycle. At first the mob
was already catching up to our heroes, then they went light-speed.
Unfortunately, those hags and hoes managed to catch up with Daigo and the
spastic Edge. They then stopped, and ran clear down through those bitches
(Don't hurt me, ladies! I mean not to be offensive!).
Our heroes finally made it home. Daigo, ever so mad, went
straight to Akira, dropped the grocery bag, and stated "From now on, you
do the shopping!!"
"Was it hard for little Daigo?" Akira said in a
sarcastic, baby talk tone.
"... Don't start with me, Akira!!" Daigo
yelled, then stomped into the house in a pissed tone. He flopped himself on the
couch, and slept!
The End
