Disclaimer: None of the ER characters are mine, except for the ones I created.
Author's notes: Thanks to Kelly and Raquel for slapping me in the face every time I went all Tammy Faye Baker on them.
"You are Fire; I am Rain" by Carolina
"The itsy, bitsy spider, went up the water spout," Abby sang as she used her fingers to act out the song in front of her daughter. Liliana kept looking at Abby's fingers, giggling, trying to reach them and kicking her little feet as she rested on her high chair.
"Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider, went up the spout again," she finished, tickling Liliana and laughing herself.
As soon as her daughter stopped giggling, she picked up her plate and Liliana's bottle and put them on the sink, looking around for the sponge. After finding it buried under the pile of dirty dishes, she just let it fall down in a puddle of water and suddenly felt her body sink in fifty pounds heavier. She looked around and heard her daughter humming to herself, banging her hands against the table of the high chair. Abby looked at the dirty dishes with disgust. The president would not die if the dishes remained in the sink overnight. Clearing her throat, she pulled a chair back and sat down by the table, looking at Liliana.
Consistency. That was all she wanted in her life. Safety. She wanted to wake up every morning to the same routine. She wanted to go to work, pick up Lily at day care, come back home, heat up a TV Dinner, put Lily to sleep, and go to sleep herself. It didn't matter if it made her happy or not. Frequency satisfied her, made everything less stressful, made her world secure. If she could take the same steps to her car and back, wear the same clothes, and eat the same food, it would be even better. And then in comes Luka, to ruin everything again, to spin her world out of orbit. It made her so mad that the urge to throw a plate against the wall was almost unbearable.
And yet it wasn't working quite right. He was gone again, but not before showing off that habit of his to derail her with words, just words. She knew that as with everything, it took time and patience. Liliana was able to fulfill that void in her heart that was created when Luka left. All that love she still felt for him, she could shape into motherly love and give to her daughter. It still wasn't enough, and she knew it. But it would have to do. It was still too early and she had no patience, but she had hope. If she had to go to some kind of twelve step program, she would. If there is some kind of witch or guru who could come up with a spell to keep him off her mind, she'd pay anything. Her routine had remained consistent for five years. Since his return, she could not find her tempo anymore. She was aimlessly playing one instrument madly as the rest of the orchestra strictly followed their notes. She couldn't see the conductor anymore. She couldn't hear the rest of the instruments. Her mind kept wandering, numbing all of her senses.
"Hey," she reacted to Liliana's energy as she bounced on her seat. "Who are you, Maggie?"
On cue, the door opened and Abby jumped up on her feet, turning around to see who it was as her heart sank. When she saw Maggie standing there, she almost fell to her chair. "Jesus, mom," she sighed.
"Did I scare you?" Maggie asked, walking towards the kitchen.
"Did you scare me? You open the door like that in the middle of the night in Chicago..." Abby exclaimed.
"Sorry, honey," Maggie said as she put her bag on a chair. Liliana immediately raised her arms and jumped even more enthusiastically on her chair when she saw Maggie. "Hi, my baby." She picked up the baby, gave her a kiss and put her back on the chair.
"I told you that key was for emergencies," Abby continued.
"I said I was sorry, Abby," Maggie said defensively.
Abby let out a sigh of frustration. One of those days she was going to pick up her daughter and move far away from annoying family members, friends and work. She looked up at Maggie, who wasn't in her usual flamboyant mood, and frowned. "Is everything okay?"
Maggie looked down into her purse and took out an envelope hesitantly, giving it to Abby. She patted Liliana's head and waited to the bomb to explode.
"What's this?" Abby asked with a questioning look on her face, opening the white envelope and peeking inside.
"It's a plane ticket to San Diego," Maggie said cautiously.
Abby's whole body went cold with goose bumps, and her first reaction was to frown. When she actually saw the ticket, her face fell, and she felt the anger again. "What... what," she stammered.
"Use it if you want to, Abby," Maggie added.
Abby looked up at her mother, feeling the anger subside but only to rise again with all the other emotions, leaving her almost suffocated. "Use it if you want to? What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about," Maggie added, trying to sound friendly.
Abby kept staring at Maggie, daring her with her eyes, a silent war. She looked at her daughter and down. "How did you find out?"
"I made some calls." Digging into her pocket, Maggie took out a piece of paper and handed it to Abby. "That's his address and phone number."
Abby looked at the letters, incoherently dancing around the page until they all lined up together to form his name. She leaned back on the chair and put the paper down on the table. "Did you talk to him?" she asked softly, eyeing the plane ticket.
"No," Maggie said honestly. "It's not me he needs to talk to."
Rage took over again and Abby finally slammed the envelope against the table and stood up. "I told you to stay away from this, Maggie!"
Maggie only stood there as Abby paced the living room, furious. She knew Abby would react that way. She knew she was walking on fire. She was aware of her daughter's temper and her request to leave things the way they were. But no matter how much Abby tried to turn her head around, Maggie knew what Abby wanted and what she needed. And she needed a push. Mother birds showed their babies how to fly, never pushed them until they were ready. Somehow she had turned her head to the side and Abby had jumped, venturing into the sky alone. The push was now too late, but with the help of God, still effective.
After a long silence, she turned around to see her daughter sitting by the couch, one arm crossed and the other resting upon it. She was holding her chin with one hand, and her foot shook violently as she looked forward.
"Abby." Maggie walked over and stroked her daughter's hair. "Honey, don't torture yourself like this."
"Mom, he's seeing someone. He's over me, there's nothing I can do. What do you want me to do?" Abby asked in frustration as she looked at Maggie for a second, feeling the anger stuck in her throat.
Maggie sat more comfortable, scared that Abby would explode at any moment again, and rested her hand on top of her daughter's. "Is he serious about her?"
Abby sniffed, even thought she was not crying. Her foot stopped shaking, but the anger remained evident in her features. "He said they haven't been dating long." She shook her head again. "And what am I supposed to do? Just go over there and ask him to leave her? Richard did that to me, mom. And it's not the best feeling in the world."
Maggie stroked Abby's hair down, looking to see what Liliana was up to. She was falling asleep on her high chair, so she turned her attention to Abby again. "Abby, I bought that ticket because there are things you need to tell him. Whether he's over you or not, you have to talk to him because all this repressed anger is ruining your life."
Abby kept looking forward, and shook her head no. She hated Maggie's bullshit, hated it more than anything. Just because she had seen therapists her whole life didn't make her a therapist. Just because she had carried Abby in her womb for nine months didn't make her a mother, and expert on Abby's life. She felt like taking the clown figurine on the table in front of her and hitting Maggie with it, but swallowed her irritation down.
"I talked to John," Maggie added, watching as Abby looked down. "He told me about the dinner."
"Mom, please stop, okay?" Abby protested as she stood up and began to pace the living room again. "I don't wanna hear about how much I need to talk to him, about what I'm missing, about what I need to do. I know what I need to do, and I know what I'm missing. I'm a mother. I have a daughter who needs me and I'm not going to risk hurting her over someone who's out of our lives. So I don't wanna hear the word Luka around here or anything that has to do with him, including this stupid trip."
Maggie shook her head and slapped her thighs. "You're right. It's your decision, Abby," she said, standing up. "This is the end of my line, now it's up to you. You have two options: you can take the easy road and stay, or you can get up and go. Whatever you choose, I will be here to support you. But it hurts me too much to see you like this."
Abby kept looking down for a moment, feeling overwhelmed. She bit her lip, running her hands through her hair, and sat down on the couch again. "He's gone, mom. I asked him to leave, and he left, and he's never gonna come back. So get over it."
Maggie walked over and knelt in front of Abby, holding her hands. "But you want him back!"
Abby shut her eyes tight. "Doesn't matter what I want."
"Of course it does, Abby. Being a mother makes you happy, but it's not enough." Maggie dropped her head to the side a little. "I know you're scared of what me might say. So you pushed him away... we all make mistakes, Abby." She leaned over and kissed her daughter's head. "You can fix it."
Abby shook her head no, and looked up at Maggie, who was picking up her things.
Maggie reached the door and turned around. "I'm taking a week off work, so if you need anything, I'll be at home. And if for any reason you need me to take care of Lily, I can do that." She looked at the back of Abby's head for a while, wishing she could read her thoughts, and left the apartment.
Abby kept looking forward and her thoughts began to race faster and faster until her head began to pound. The silence in her apartment was unbearable. She stood up from the couch, dragging her body along with her mind and somehow made it to the kitchen, where the plane ticket was still resting on the table. Looking away, she picked up a sleeping Lily from the high chair and turned off the lights.
And it was still too quiet to sleep alone. She laid her daughter in bed next to her and turned off the lamp. Even the darkness was not comforting her, lulling her to sleep as it had done so before. She heard Maggie's words over and over, and somehow the plane ticket still resting on the table was emanating some kind of eerie energy, and it was hurting her ears.
She stroked Liliana's hair and cleared her throat, looking at the lights out her window. That anger was still inside of her, rising up and down like the waves. She felt that impending doom that was another depression, waiting for her to fall like a predator. What the hell was wrong with Maggie? Why did she have to make everything so complicated? Sometimes Abby hated her so much that her muscles contracted and her mind went in blank. Several hours before, there were no decisions to make. She was living alone with her daughter and would be doing so forever. Now there was a plane. But that plane would only take her to where the pain was. And Luka was pain. With him she had to face her demons instead of safely eluding them. Five years of bottled emotions would explode and for what? To return the same day to her old life? To her safe routine?
It wouldn't serve of much. She'd go there, tell him she still loved him, and come back home. He'd stay with his girlfriend where his new life was and nothing would change. So why attempt at all? Why put her heart through all of that? Anger could be managed in other ways. Anger could be turned into love, love for her daughter. Anger could be released physically. It was psychologically possible and people did it every day.
Kissing Liliana's cheek, she uncovered her body from the sheets and stood up. As she entered the kitchen, she stared at the white envelope and leaned against the refrigerator. She knew herself more than anyone else. She could not go through with it. It was impossible, not to mention humiliating. She messed things up twice, and now she would face the consequences. It was her punishment and she would accept it. No, she wouldn't accept it. She would place it upon herself.
Looking down, she walked over to the table. As the darkness gave way to more darkness, crawling through her like fog, she lifted the lid of the trash can and threw the envelope in. It was still dark, and there were no decisions to make, but now it was safe again.
~*~
The doors of the ER slowly parted before him as Luka looked around the inactivity of the hospital. The emergency room was just as empty, and as he glanced towards the waiting area, he opened the door to the lounge and walked in. He looked around the tastefully decorated room with glamorous furniture and art to match and quickly located his locker on a corner. Using his key, he opened the door slowly and immediately came face to face with a brown apple. His face turned sour as he took it out and threw it in the vicinity of the trash can, missing it by a couple of inches.
As he walked out, he clipped his ID badge to his white coat and as he came face to face with a mahogany desk, he leaned into it, looking down at the receptionist's book.
"Dr. Kovac, welcome back," a conservative looking desk clerk smiled politely.
"Nice to see you again, Gloria," Luka added with the same decor.
"You have a couple of messages from when you left." She handed him a few pieces of paper and adjusted her glasses. "And Dr. Garcia called for the Stiles chart, so I went ahead and gave it to him personally," she added.
After glancing at a couple of papers, Luka looked up and smiled. "Thank you, Gloria." The rest of his messages went into his pocket as he looked around. There were approximately five people waiting in chairs, reading from magazines such as Time and National Geographic or looking at the news on a television that hung from the ceiling. He picked up a chart and as he leaned on the counter, began to look over it. Another headache. Perfect.
The last few days had been so overwhelming, that they left him numbed. He couldn't think, couldn't work. He had tried to make a decision regarding Hawaii, and he was still on square one. He would sit down to work on charts, and his hand refused to move the pen across the blue pages. It was as if he was dead, only his spirit had gone and left his body alive. It scared him because he knew how low he could go, yet he knew that the cure relied on the best decision.
He kept reading the chart, but could not get past the first sentence.
"Aloha," a cheerful Tom approached Luka with a grin as he carried a cup of coffee in one hand and a chart in the other.
Luka looked up and managed to smile. "Morning."
Tom looked around. "I love days like these; headaches and lacerations."
"Which means aneurysms and amputations," Luka mumbled as his chin rested on top of the palm of his hand.
Tom chuckled. "Made a decision yet?"
Luka looked up again and shrugged his shoulders. He took a deep breath and let it out. "No, not yet."
"When is she leaving?" Tom asked and took a sip of his coffee.
"In a couple of days," Luka added, staring straight ahead. He decided to ignore the chart and leaned against the counter. "Where is she?"
"She's done," Tom said. "Her last day was yesterday. She must be home, packing. You should know that," he scolded Luka.
Luka smiled. "She's giving me a few days off to think."
"You should make a decision soon," Tom added.
"I know that," Luka said, a little annoyed. He then shrugged it off and looked at Tom. "If you were me, what would you do?"
Tom smiled. "If I were you, brother, I'd have more than one lady," he joked.
Luka smiled too, but lazily.
Tom turned serious. "I'm not you, Luka. I don't know about your life. Get your shit together, man. Just follow your heart," he tapped Luka on his chest with a chart and walked away.
Luka let out another sigh. Follow your heart. As if it was that easy. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what's best for it. Sometimes the heart makes stupid decisions. Sometimes the heart needed a little help from the brain and the rest of the system. The problem was that Luka couldn't hear his heart anymore. It had been broken so many times that too many pieces were missing and now there were too many holes in it to make it work right. The only thing his heart was good for anymore was beating.
He looked down at the chart and picked it up, walking towards the waiting area. "Sally Kettlewell?"
A young woman stood up and walked towards Luka shyly.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Kovac, why don't you come with me?" Luka asked as he smiled, walking in front of her. When they got to one of the rooms he turned on the lights and gestured her to sit down. "You are here because of a headache?"
"I've had them for a while now. They're so painful, it blurs my vision. I almost had a car accident this morning," she said in pain as she touched her temple with her right hand.
"I see," Luka added. "Do you suffer from migraines?"
"Not that I know about," she said and added nervously. "It's not a brain tumor, is it? I have five kids."
Luka smiled as he wrote the information on a chart. "We are going to run some tests before jumping to conclusions."
"I have a baby, she's only 6 months old," the woman continued. "Bill wanted me to come earlier but I just don't have time. Who am I going to leave the kids with?"
Luka only set his chair in front of her, taking her vitals as he listened. Listening was the one part he was good at, because lately making decisions had been as hard as making his own taxes. Every choice seemed to revolve around Irene and Hawaii. Going to the supermarket was like a trip to the center of hell. So for the time being, he listened. Sometimes he found that the patients said something wise, something philosophical. Sometimes their problems solved his. Sometimes they said things that answered his questions, answers he desperately needed.
As the woman kept talking about her children and an irresponsible babysitter, Luka listened, because if he listened well, maybe his answers would come from her misfortunes.
~*~
That sound. The sound of babies laughing or crying and children playing. Abby loved that sound. She heard it every day as she walked down the hall on her way to day care and it always made her feel better. It was one of the most comforting walks she took every week. Today somehow that sound was louder, the children wailed instead of cried and they laughed uncontrollably instead of giggled. She looked inside the room through the window, trying to find her daughter. She saw her sitting on the mat with a teddy bear on her lap, looking at the other babies.
With a smile, she opened the door and walked in, and everything became even louder.
"Hi, Dr. Lockhart," an overjoyed woman laughed as she walked over, carrying one of the kids.
"Hey Tanya. Is my munchkin ready to go?" Abby asked.
"Right over there," Tanya pointed to the corner Liliana was sitting at and walked away. "Okay, everybody, time for milk!"
The children celebrated snack hour and Abby walked over, standing in front of Liliana. When the baby saw her, she smiled and raised her arms up. "Mama."
"Hey," Abby bent down and carried her. "How was your day?" Liliana only hummed, and Abby picked up her bag as she waved good bye to Tanya.
They stepped out into the hallway, where other parents were also getting their kids. All of them were doctors, and strangely enough, most of them were men. Abby ignored that and kept walking. "Wanna know what I did today?" she asked Liliana. "I called an agent for us to go to Disney World next summer, just you and me. What do you think?"
Liliana said nothing as Abby walked and she stared ahead, sucking on her pacifier.
Abby looked at her daughter and then forward. "Well, I'm glad you're excited about it."
When she reached the garage, she looked all around her to see if it was safe. Not that something had ever happened in the parking lot, but you can't be too careful. Her hand reached inside the baby bag, looking for her keys. It was always a lesson, never put your car keys in the same pocket containing huge red, blue, and green toy keys.
"Come on," she muttered, digging her hands deep into the pockets of the bag.
"Hey! Is that my baby there?"
Abby jumped up and turned around as her heart sank. Too many people had been sneaking up behind her lately. "God, Dave," she sighed as she put her hand to her beating heart.
Dave ignored Abby and took the baby away from her. "Hi, Lily," he said in baby talk as he kissed her cheeks. "Did you miss Uncle Dave? Yes you did. Yes you did. Who's my bunny rabbit?"
Abby tipped her head to the side a little and squinted her eyes. "I wished I had a camera so you could see yourself."
Dave smiled at her as the baby giggled in his arms. "Going home?" he asked, walking her to her car.
"Trying," Abby added and finally found her keys. When she pressed a little button, the back lights of an SUV flashed and they produced a beep.
"Yeah, me too. I have a hot date tonight," Dave added.
"How is that different from any of your other nights?" Abby added. He didn't respond and when she turned around, he found her throwing Liliana in the air and catching her, only to throw her again.
"Dave! No!" Abby panicked, running over.
"She likes it," Dave said defensively.
"You're gonna let her fall," Abby protested.
"Oh come on, I've been playing baseball since I was five," Dave teased, but stopped. He looked at Liliana, who was laughing hysterically, and then looked up at Abby. "Do you think she looks a little like me?" he asked as he put the baby next to his face.
"God no," Abby said and opened the trunk of her car, putting the bag in.
"You never met her daddy, right? Maybe I'm the daddy," Dave joked.
"She's too smart to be your spawn," Abby muttered.
Dave grinned. "Let's take a paternity test. If she's mine, then you and I can finally get married," he said and put his arm around her waist, pulling her close.
"Dave! Leave me alone," Abby protested again. She pushed his arm away and took Liliana from him.
"What's wrong with you today?" Dave asked, his hands on his hips.
"I'm not in a good mood," Abby said bitterly.
"No shit," Dave quipped. "I heard Kovac was here."
Shit. Abby rolled her eyes, and remained quiet.
"Did he ask about me?" Dave asked.
Abby looked at him with a look of disbelief. "Are you that self involved?"
Dave smiled and turned serious. "Are you ok?"
Abby let out a sigh, putting Liliana on her car seat. "Yeah, just wished everyone would stop asking if I'm ok."
"I called him once," Dave added.
Abby stopped what she was doing and looked at him again. "When?"
"When he left," Dave said. "I looked up his phone number and called him a couple of times. He always asked about you."
Abby shook her head fast. "W-why didn't you tell me?"
"He didn't want me to," Dave said defensively. "He was really messed up. Sometimes I called him and he was drunk, couldn't understand shit of what he was saying. I think he was crying."
Abby stopped looking at him and put the seat belt around the baby really fast. "Why are you telling me this?"
"You asked me," Dave said defensively.
"No I didn't!" Abby said loudly and after a couple of seconds, let out a sigh. "Look, I gotta go."
"Sure," Dave said as if nothing had happened. He walked over to the back seat and gave Liliana a kiss, pretending he was eating her neck. He looked at her. "Can you say: good bye uncle Dave. Bye uncle Dave," he said in baby talk as Liliana laughed and tried to grab his face.
"Dave," Abby protested.
Dave looked up at her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Drive carefully."
Abby smiled. "Thank you."
As he walked he turned around and pointed his finger at her. "That kid is mine, Abby. I'm filing for joint custody."
Abby chuckled to herself, and got in her car. Good God. Dave just had a way to drain the energy out of anything. At least he was honest and never told her what to do, unlike everyone else in her life.
She drove out of the garage, and the silence in the car gave her mind an opportunity to start wandering. As she looked straight at the road, she blindly located a CD and put it on. All the characters of Sesame Street and The Muppets immediately started singing, but that didn't stop her mind from walking into dangerous territory. Why was Luka drunk? And why was he crying? In her own selfishness she believed this break up would affect her and that Luka would move on pretty quickly. After all, she was certain that he didn't love her. Well, maybe he did love her, but was his love that strong? Or was Dave lying?
Dave must have been lying. Maggie probably called him the previous night to put him up to it. How convenient that he was off work at the same time she was walking towards her car. True, he had a car now, but it was still fishy. Abby didn't trust Dave, couldn't trust anyone. When you trust people, you are deceived easily. That happened too many times when she was a little girl, but it would not happen now. Not if she could stop it.
She had never seen Luka cry. Well, he shed some quiet tears when he left, but had never seen him crying alone, and drunk. Why would he waste his tears on her? She was not worth it. She didn't deserve Luka and he shouldn't have cried over someone as unworthy as her. Richard never cried over her, neither did any of her previous boyfriends. And why would they?
For five years she had talked herself into thinking that the decision she made for Luka was the best. He was in sunny California now, with a girlfriend and a great job in an elite hospital. If he stayed in Chicago it only would have caused more pain, for him, for her, for both. She had been telling herself that over and over again. It was her mantra, but a mantra which she still had to repeat. She had tried to convince herself that it was the truth, but she was never sure it was.
Was he crying right now? Was he drunk? The mental image brought a knot to her throat. She did not want him to suffer for her. She only wanted the best thing for him and that is the reason why she sent him to California. Yet at the same time, she was angry because by leaving, he had strengthened that belief.
"It's not easy, being green," Kermit began to sing. "Having to spend each day the color, of the leaves.
Abby ran her hands through her hair as she came to a red light. Life wasn't working out even for inanimate green objects like Kermit. It's not easy being green, or blue, or yellow or red. She could not shake the image of Luka alone in a motel room, drunk. And it was all her fault. No, it was his fault. She begged him not to get involved with her, and he did anyway. It was his fault, his fault, his fault...
"His fault," she muttered, gritting her teeth together in rage. The light turned to green, and she dug her foot into the gas pedal so fast that the tires screeched. The honks of the cars around her made her snap and she quickly look in the rear view mirror to see if Liliana was ok. When she saw her looking out the window, she put her foot on the gas again and continued at a reasonable speed as angry drivers threatened her.
Her lower lip began to tremble and she tried to relax as Elmo sang a song to his fish Dorothy. An overwhelming feeling to cry, scream, punch, and run came over her, but once more, she bottled it down with the rest of her emotions.
~*~
Sometimes you look up at the sky and find that the clouds have different shapes, all flying across a big mantle of white like eagles. Sometimes the shapes can be recognized very easily, and sometimes you need a little help from your imagination. As Luka stared up at the sky, he tried to find any kind of shape, but couldn't. The entire sky was gray and all the clouds were huddled together, forming a huge icing of air over the earth. He wondered what the clouds were like in Hawaii. He wondered if they had days of gray skies with no sun. He wondered if the waves were constant instead of furious. He wondered if he would be able to see the whales.
Irene is packing. Packing and waiting for him to make a decision. He would miss her if she left without him, because she was the only thing he had left. What they had he could not call love, but maybe he could call it that someday. Maybe they could have children, and together they'd run down the Hawaiian beaches together, in love and happy. Maybe her family would welcome him into their house and he would be adopted, nurtured. He desperately needed to be embraced by the arms of love. It had been five years since someone told him they loved him, since he felt truly loved. The last time Abby said it, she was smiling up at him, attached to his waist with an oven mitt in one hand and a wooden spoon in the other, chocolate icing on the tip of her nose. Five years without hearing those words made time go slower, more painfully.
As the temperature became even lower, he adjusted his lab coat around him, looking down at all the people entering the hospital from the roof. Could Irene love him? Did she love him already. He was afraid of making the wrong decision. He was scared that once he got to Hawaii, he'd realize he made the wrong choice. He was still scared of Irene leaving. She was the key to what he needed, human contact, friends. He knew her friends would become his. Her family would become his. She would become his. And there it was, one big pro.
The clouds did not seem to be going west, they were not moving. He had been staring at them for days, and they had remained in the same place, waiting to let the rain fall. But it would not fall. He knew it was a cheap metaphor for something happening in his life, but he could not figure out what. San Diego. It was quickly losing its appeal. He loved Tom, but Irene was right, there was nothing holding him there anymore. Even nature had turned against him, the waves, the sand, the clouds, the rain. Whatever his decision would be something was certain, San Diego was not his home anymore. Hawaii was quickly winning the war.
~*~
Almost two hours after dinner and Liliana was still wide awake. Abby put a hat in the shape of a frog on her head and approached the couch slowly as her daughter looked at her and laughed. Liliana knew what was coming, and the anticipation had her in giggles already. She watched as Abby hid behind the table, and behind a door, and then she saw her mother crawl on the floor as she reached the couch. And then all of a sudden Abby stopped moving, and laid on the floor motionless.
Liliana laughed and looked down, watching her motionless mother. She held her little hands on the cushions for support and just when she thought it was safe, Abby jumped up on the couch, tickling her.
"Gotcha!" Abby laughed as Liliana giggled so loud, it could be heard all over the apartment. That laugh, Abby could put it on a tape recorder and fall asleep listening to it every night. On days like the ones she had just gone through, it was the one sound that made it all better.
"Mama," Liliana said as she begged her mother to stop, still laughing.
Abby smiled. "Are you ready to go to bed? Because this can go on all night."
The baby began to hum and coo, looking up at the ceiling and trying to catch her breath. And then all of a sudden, Abby started tickling her again, trying to make her tired so she would go to sleep. But Liliana's eyes were wide open. She stopped laughing as Abby finished another round of tickles and Liliana grabbed Abby's finger, trying to pull herself up.
"Come on, baby, I have an early day tomorrow," Abby protested as she smiled, and watched her daughter catching her breath. "Want another one?" Abby asked, showing her fingers.
"No," Liliana said, kicking her feet around. She put her lips together, looking up at her mother. Trying to say or remember different words, she tested her lips first, and then her tongue, and then her voice as it finally came out. "Papa."
"What?" Abby stopped all of a sudden, looking at her daughter, who was still laughing. "What did you say?" She made her sit up, and Abby looked at her seriously.
Liliana, who thought Abby was still playing, shrieked and threw herself against Abby's thigh, laughing.
Abby picked her up, keeping her on the air in front of her. "Liliana, what did you say?"
But Liliana only hummed, playing with Abby's necklace.
"Can you say that again?" Abby asked, bouncing the baby a little. "Can you say Papa?"
"Papa," Liliana repeated.
Abby turned even more serious. "Who taught you that?" she asked, but the baby only cooed. She sat Liliana on the couch and looked around, as if there was someone hiding in her apartment. Her mind drew on blank as she reached for the phone, hitting only one number. "Maggie?"
"Abby? Is everything ok?" Maggie asked, recognizing Abby's angry tone of voice.
"What have you been teaching Lily lately?" Abby asked, furious.
"What?" Maggie asked in confusion.
"You know what she just said? She said papa. Did you teach her that?" Abby asked as she stood up and began to pace the room.
"No," Maggie said. "Why would I teach her that?"
"Is this one of your stupid games to make me to go San Diego?" Abby fumed again.
"Abby!" Maggie protested. "I haven't taken care of Lily in weeks. When would I have time to teach her that?"
Abby just kept walking, up and down as her blood boiled. "Who else would she hear that from?"
"Abby would you calm down?" Maggie scolded. "She's in day care all day with kids who have fathers. She probably heard it form one of them and it stuck." She stayed quiet for a minute and then added. "Abby, you're going crazy. Other people would be glad she's learning to talk."
Abby only shook her head, looking at her daughter, who in return, was looking at her as if Abby was putting on a play.
"Why are you so upset about this?" Maggie asked.
"Because!" Abby only said.
"Because what?"
Anger took a hold and with a moan, Abby hung up the phone. She looked down at Lily, who was a little scared, and she picked her up. "Baby, don't say that again, okay? Please don't say that again."
Liliana looked up at her mother and put her hand on Abby's face. "Mama."
"Yeah," Abby let out a sigh as she turned off all the lights. "Let's go to sleep."
She sat on a rocking chair on the nursery as Liliana tried to fall asleep. Abby rocked herself back and forth, staring at her daughter through the bars of the crib. She could not breathe anymore. The world was coming to and end and there was nothing she could do about it but watch, and try to survive. But survive to what? She tried to remind herself that she was a mother. Being a mother made her happy. It made her very happy and it would have to be enough, despite of what Maggie had said.
The trash can had been emptied. There was no turning back, was it? If she stopped looking back, maybe she could start to look forward. She needed to.
~*~
The night seemed excruciatingly quiet as Luka sat on his car, looking at the small house Irene lived at. A few people walked down the side walk; mothers and children carrying groceries, teenagers with their skateboards on their way home, businessmen trying to find the keys to their house... He sat there still, thinking about his decision, trying to figure out if it had been the right one.
He was about to open another chapter of his life and close another one. As he took a deep breath, he put the car keys on his pocket and walked out. He had walked this path hundreds of times but never really stopped to see all the cracks on the sidewalk, all the lines which weren't even parallel. He opened the small gate with his hand and walked the path to her door, standing there and looking at the doorbell.
With a numbness he knew would cease to be in a couple of seconds, he rang the doorbell once, and waited. He looked up, but could not see the stars in the sky. The clouds were still there, not moving, looking even darker despite the obscurity of the night.
He heard steps.
Turning over, he faced the door and then her when she opened it to let him in. Holding his hand, she stood up to kiss him gently on the lips. Luka put his hand on the side of her face, and suddenly a draft of wind pushed him inside the house. The door closed behind him, and in front of him, a warm house, waiting for him to occupy its empty space.
~*~
The moon made its way into Abby's bedroom as she stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. She stopped tossing and turning and was now immobilized, wrapped tightly by blankets of silence. The world seemed to be spinning out of control. First her mother bought her a ticket to San Diego, then she learned of Luka's state of mind after she let him down, and now her own daughter was calling for a father Abby didn't have for her.
She couldn't even trust her own body anymore. Tears jumped out when she ordered them not to, headaches took over her when she couldn't afford them, and she could still feel that sensation inside of her, as if something bad was about to happen. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Liliana as a six year old girl, crying for her father. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Luka alone in a hotel room, drinking from a bottle. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Luka in love and happy, with his girlfriend and the sunny shores of California.
It was a tsunami of emotions she couldn't run away from. The ceiling was flat and white, and staring at it was a source of comfort. If she could stop time right then, maybe the tide would cease to be. It did for a moment, only to come back with full force and smash her against the wall.
... "Where are we going?" Abby asked as Luka walked behind her, covering her eyes with his hand.
"You'll see," Luka teased.
Through his tone of voice she could tell that he was smiling. She wasn't. Despite the game, she could not bring herself to smile or have fun. Her body felt a hundred pounds heavier and she had to hold on to Luka's hand. The battle against the depression had been a long and hard one, and the more she fought, the more it was evident that she was losing.
And then, Luka stopped. He removed his hand from her eyes and rested his chin on her shoulder.
It took Abby a while to adjust her eyes to the darkness, and found it wasn't all that dark, because there were candles lit all over the apartment. She looked at the silver wear resting on the table and turned to him. "What's this?"
Luka smiled. "A nice romantic dinner after a long day." He pulled out a chair for her, and then sat down himself, nervous, his hands sweating. They ate in silence and he stole glances at Abby every now and then. She had been eating less and less, and somehow looked as if the life had been drained out of her. He had been trying to avoid the subject of children since the announcement that she was infertile, but hoped this would make it all better.
When the dinner was over, he put on some soft music and invited her out to the living room to dance. She took his hand and he pulled her up, and rested his head on top of hers as the music continued.
They danced in silence, until he lowered his head to her ear. "I love you, Abby." She didn't say anything, and he pulled away suddenly. She had a confused look in her face, and when he got to one knee and pulled out a velvet box from his pocket, she looked away as millions of her emotions ran across her face.
"Abby Lockhart, I love you like I never thought it would be possible to love again. Will you bee my wife?"...
Abby turned to her side, watching the red buttons of her alarm clock. The knot on her throat wouldn't let her breathe, and she sat on her bed. A painful bolt traveled from her fingers to her eyes and she suddenly began to cry. She buried her face in her hands, rocking herself back and forth. Her mind reminded her that Abby Lockhart doesn't cry, and she scolded herself to a halt. Careful not to wake the baby up, she grabbed some tissues from the bathroom and dabbed her cheeks dry. Looking at herself in the mirror, she realized she could not recognize what she saw anymore. She had been wearing the mask of denial for a long time. Now it was beginning to be removed slowly, and there was nothing there but watery eyes and a runny nose. Her head was pounding and her surroundings were not familiar anymore. In a prolonged moment of confusion, she grabbed the phone resting on her night stand and pressed one number.
"Mom?... Yeah, I'm fine... Um, can you take care of Lily for a while?"
To be continued...