Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me.
Author's notes: Sorry for the delay
"You are Fire; I am Rain" by Carolina
The joy of airports. Thousands of people pushing each other, speaking languages he couldn't understand. Hundreds of useless stores all lined up together, selling items ten times more expensive as they are out into the real world. Pages no one could understand and white courtesy phones no one could find. It was the same all day everyday no matter what city you find yourself stranded at.
As Luka walked, he looked around, taking in all the people's faces. Some had smiles from ear to ear. Some were waiting for their planes, too bored to notice anything around them. Some were crying, and clinging on to their loved ones as they said good bye.
He tightened his grip on the blue bag on his left hand and stroked the back of Irene's neck with the right. It seemed to be the longest walk of his life. He could not yet understand why he always got that last gate, the one hidden in some secret corner. Too many people were walking around them and he tried to be careful not to step on tens of children that were running around without adult supervision.
He looked at Irene, who was too quiet for his liking. "Do you want something to drink or eat? Or a magazine?"
Irene woke up from her reverie and looked at him. "No, thanks."
He smiled at her and she smiled back. When they finally reached the gate, a female voice came on the intercom.
"Flight 314 to Honolulu is now boarding rows forty, to thirty four. Again, flight 314 to Honolulu, rows forty to thirty four."
Irene kept looking at the woman, and turned to Luka. "Are you sure about this?"
Luka half smiled. "Yeah."
Irene nodded, looking around. She finally looked at Luka and smiled. "I'm gonna miss you."
Luka smiled warmly, stroking her arms. "Me too."
Irene looked around again and then up at him. "Maybe you can visit some time. I'll teach you how to surf."
Luka chuckled. "If it's anything like your cooking..."
"Hey," she elbowed him.
"Flight 314 to Honolulu now boarding rows thirty three to twenty five. Thirty three to twenty five."
Irene looked over at the woman and then up at Luka. "That's me."
Luka pressed his lips together. Putting his hand under her chin, he lifted her head and gave her a kiss on the lips. Instead of kissing him back, she fell into his embrace and hugged him tight.
At that moment, Luka felt his stomach boil. He wasn't lying when he said he'd miss her. Irene had given him a hand when he needed someone's touch the most. She invited him to her house when everyone else avoided him. And even though maybe in the future they could fall in love, in the present, they weren't. Luka had risked too much in the past. If he was in love with her, he would have gone in a second. That was the part that bothered him the most. He hadn't really had a chance to get to know her better. Maybe if he had, he would be going into that airplane with her. But once again life had turned into nothing but predicaments and dilemmas. He was sick of it, sick of having to hide his cards and play against someone who had a better hand than him.
He had decided to fold. He had been holding himself back because he didn't want to hurt her. When he explained the reasons as to why he wanted, or rather needed, to stay, he could taste the disappointment in her eyes. For a moment he thought of taking it all back, packing his bags and joining her. But he needed more time. He needed clarity. He could not make a decision like that in days; it was impossible. At the end of the night, she understood and he watched her smile more confidently. He thought that night would be a torture, but instead it turned out to be a sigh of relief. She understood, that was the card that saved the game.
Irene pulled back, smiling up at him. "What are you gonna do?"
Luka shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I might go back home." It was a possibility, although not a pleasant one. Home wasn't home anymore, but neither was San Diego. He was hovering in mid air, not knowing where to go. He knew there was a city with his name out there somewhere, and he still had a little energy left to seek it out.
Irene played with the sleeves of his shirt, smiling. "Well, I better go before someone takes my blanket."
Luka bit his lower lip, and he hugged her again. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
"I know how to take care of myself, Luka. It's you I worry about," she said.
Luka decided to ignore that and pulled back. "Call me as soon as you get there."
"I will." She picked up her bag, and dug for her plane ticket. Turning around, she walked over to stand in line. After a couple of seconds, she turned back to see Luka staring at the floor. "Luka?" he turned around, and she pointed to her mouth. "Smile."
Luka smiled, and waved his hand good bye. He kept looking as her ticket was torn and she looked back before walking into the plane. He stood there, waiting for all the rows to be called. Walking over the crystal windows, he watched as the plane ran down the runway and took off so quickly that when he blinked, it was gone. The clouds were gray and the day cold, and as he stood there he said a little prayer for her safety.
When everything was over, he sat down in one of the chairs, watching as other planes took off as well. Another chapter closed, and now he would have to open another; but which one? He stared at the gray clouds, and through the windows heard the loud thunders that were beginning to roar in the sky. He thought about Croatia, and what he had left there. His father would love to have him back, so would his brother. So would hundreds of ex girlfriends who still asked about him.
He thought of the Croatian crystalline ocean, and the many hours of comfort he spent on the coast. He thought of the country, and the many hours him and his brother would spend playing on the farm. He had never been hesitant to go for visits and holidays. His family was there, and so were his old friends. But as the years passed, every time he went back he found himself being more of a stranger in his own land.
Slapping his thighs, he stood up and decided it was too soon to plan the next move. He had been swimming against the current of the river since he lost his family and now he would simply let himself be taken away with it. With a little luck, he would end up in the warmth of the ocean.
~*~
The quiet roar of the car's engine came to a stop when Luka occupied the single parking space in front of his house. He played with the keys on his hand as he stared at his home. He had so much invested in San Diego; a house, a car, bank accounts, investments, a good job... yet it was all material. San Diego was a cave where he was hiding to avoid the rain, and looking around him, he could see the faces of many others just like him, waiting to the cave to succumb, to bury them.
But that was not him. He was a young man and he would pull through. Life had taught him that no matter how many times you fall down, you simply have to get up and keep walking. It was something that took time to learn. There were many times when he stayed down, waiting for someone or something to save him. But man is a fool if he believes life is full of miracles. When you are down, looking up, no one saves you, no one offers a hand, no one picks you up. You have to do that all by yourself. The realization was like a dagger to his heart. Back then he did not have the strength to even look up.
It is the strangest of things. He could not remember the exact time and day when he got the strength to pick up the remaining of his life and keep walking. He could not even remember when he decided to do so. One day he found himself feeling again, breathing, living. It is a wonderful feeling, one he knew he would feel again. For five years he had made the mistake of holding on to the past, and that was the reason as to why he remained down. He could let go now, and no longer look up with desire; he would get up.
He played with the keys on his hand before he opened the door. An eerie silence filled the house, and he suddenly was hit by the realization that Irene was gone. The house was never quiet or empty with her cleaning everything and talking about some childhood story. Weird, he couldn't remember any of them now. Hearing her talk about her happy family, her dream childhood, her many rendezvous with love... it hurt. Then she would find him staring straight ahead and shake her head, always asking what was on his mind. He was suddenly also grateful when he realized Irene never really broke the code to his being. And yet it was sad that he had never given her the combination. There was one thing he knew well when he decided to stay, and that was that Irene deserved better than him; someone who could give her his divine attention, his whole being, someone who could love her.
He threw the keys on a nearby plate and stared at the door for a while. Strange to think that just a piece of wood separated him from the unknown, from life. Just like rivers separate countries and the earth from heaven and hell, his future awaited somewhere out there, waiting for him just outside the door.
As he stood there, that eerie silence became more weary. He felt some movement, but stood still for a moment. Suddenly remembering he had left the door to the porch open he turned around to close it before the whole house filled with sand.
His first reaction was to jump back against the door. Breathing heavily, he looked up to see the serious face of Abby Lockhart, looking at him with her arms closed. His heart kept jumping, but he straightened himself up.
"Didn't your mom ever teach you to lock your doors when you go out?" Abby asked, looking at the open sliding door.
Luka stroked his tie three times and looked around, trying to appear nonchalant. "What are you doing here?" he asked simply as he began his walk into the kitchen.
"You don't have to play cool, Luka. You don't wear it well," Abby replied, standing still.
Luka buried his head into the refrigerator, feeling the cool air massaging his face. Grabbing a cup, he poured himself a glass of water and drank it quickly, knowing he was being watched. When he finished, he set the glass on the counter and stared at Abby, waiting for an explanation. When she gave him only a blank stare, he walked into the living room again, standing in front of her with his hands on his waist.
"Nice house," Abby said, looking around.
Luka said nothing, but kept staring at her.
She finally looked at him letting out a sigh, and played with her fingers. "I was hoping we could talk."
Luka finally moved from his statuesque position and picked up some magazines from the couch, putting them on the table neatly. "What do we have to talk about?"
"Things," Abby curled her mouth, looking down.
"Things?" Luka asked, turning to face her. "Like what, the weather?"
"You don't have to be an ass, Luka," Abby hissed, feeling her anger boiling inside her stomach.
Luka chuckled mirthlessly. "I'm sorry, Abby. Forgive me if I think there's nothing to talk about."
"I think there is," Abby added.
"You think we need to talk?" Luka asked in disbelief. "For what? So we can be friends now? Call each other every month? Send each other Birthday Cards? Merry Christmas, Abby!"
She recoiled at his bitterness and sarcasm, and worked up her courage to step forward. "Look, it wasn't easy... for me, to get on that plane..."
"Abby," Luka interrupted, dropping his head. "I'm not..."
"Look can you just hear... what I have to say?" Abby asked as she took a step forward in a brief moment of frustration. She took a small breath, looking at the couch. "I don't like how we left things."
"There's no more we, Abby. You made that very clear," Luka added.
"I know," Abby said. "But I know there's more things you want to say."
Luka shook his head with an amused smiled. "Abby my girlfriend, or my ex girlfriend, just moved away and she's not coming back. I'm not in the best mood to talk about us."
Abby looked to the side, and then down. "Oh. I'm sorry about that."
"Don't worry," Luka said under his breath.
There was a long silence, and neither moved or said anything. Abby kept playing nervously with her fingers, thinking this was a bad idea after all. She was right, and Maggie had been wrong. But inside of her she could still hear that anger eating her insides, rising through her throat.
She gave Maggie a second chance. "Look, I said some things I didn't mean, when you went back."
Luka shook his head in amusement. "No, Abby. You meant everything you said, and I meant everything I said. So that's where we stand."
"This has been driving my crazy for days, Luka. I'm not going to let you ruin it," Abby said. Another thunder roared outside and it began to rain slightly.
"Ruin what?" Luka asked frowning. "Ruin your life? I am not the reason why we're here, Abby."
"And I am?" Abby asked, reaching her boiling point.
Luka let out a sigh and rubbed his forehead, trying to run away. "Abby, we've been through this."
"No we haven't, Luka. You keep telling me you left because I asked you to," Abby replied.
"And that's the truth!" Luka yelled.
"Is it, Luka?" Abby asked, crossing her arms in front of her.
Luka's head spun around in annoyance and he walked to towards the porch to close the sliding door and prevent the rain from getting in, feeling a little dizzy. He then turned around and leaned against the crystal. "What do you want me to say, Abby? That I was cheating on you? Or that I left because I didn't love you? Would that make you feel better?"
"Of course not!" Abby said sternly as she paced around the coffee table, forcing herself to stand strong.
"Then what? What do you want from me? To take blame for everything?" Luka yelled at her.
"You're the one who left," Abby yelled back.
Suddenly there was a loud thunder and it began to rain heavily. Luka looked away in disbelief, shaking his head. "Why do you keep doing this?" he asked in a softer tone.
"Do what?" Abby asked.
"Keep bringing this up. I left because you wanted me to leave. You told me we could never he happy and that it could never work. That's why I left and you know that. So stop blaming me when you know well it was your fault!" he added more coldly.
Abby kept looking down, biting on her lower lip. She gave it a moment of silence to try and control her anger, but control was something she couldn't count on anymore.
"You didn't answer my question," Luka added, crossing his arms. "What are you doing here?"
Abby looked to the side, trying to think, trying to come up with a fake excuse.
"I thought you wanted me to go on my way so you could go on yours," Luka added bitterly before she could talk.
"I never said that," Abby said defensively.
Luka narrowed his eyes, "What did you say, Abby? Because I remember you saying that I would be better off in Dallas."
"You were already thinking about it!" Abby added sternly as her arms flew in the air. "You went to the interview behind my back. You already had a job, a place to live. You never consulted anything with me, Luka... you were already gone!"
"I wasn't going to if you asked me to stay," Luka growled.
"So what was I supposed to do?" Abby raised her voice again. "Get on my knees and beg you for a second chance?"
"No!" Luka yelled. "I wanted you to tell me if you were willing to work on our problems. I wanted you to believe that we had a second chance."
"Oh come on, Luka," Abby said and began to pace around. "You wanted out of there more than anything. If you wanted to stay, you would have never had that interview. And that's why I asked you to leave, because deep down you couldn't stand it anymore."
Luka kept staring at her for a moment, putting his hands on his hips. He knew that part of that was true, he went to the interview because he was making a back up plan. Part of him was hoping Abby would come out of her depression and they would be happy again, but part of him knew that having children was not an option anymore, and they could never be the same.
He moved away from the sliding door. "So now we're trying to see things that aren't there again. Didn't we have this same conversation when you were after Carter?"
The anger rose up her throat and straight into her brain. She turned to Luka with a look of disbelief. "How dare you."
"Didn't you say the same thing back then? That I sent you off to that charity ball with him because I didn't care?" Luka added bitterly.
"I was never after Carter and don't you ever even consider the possibility that I am going to cheat on someone, especially you," Abby spit out through clenched teeth.
Luka felt a little bad, but his blood was pumping fast and his head pounding painfully. The ocean was furious and he was afraid the waves might actually reach his house. Thunders were roaring outside and the rain was coming down heavily on the ground.
"So what else is there to say, Abby?" Luka asked. "Because I am very tired of getting closer only to have you push me away and I am not going to start playing that game tonight."
"No one is playing games," Abby said louder. "And I didn't come here to blame you for anything. I am sorry your girlfriend left, Luka. But that was not my fault!"
Luka chuckled, looking away. "You know, Irene was a good woman, and I think I would have been very lucky to go with her. But do you know what happened every time she was around? I kept thinking about you. And she kept asking me what I was thinking about, why I was so quiet, why I wouldn't talk to her. Do you think it was easy for me to leave, Abby? You are not the only victim here. You have no idea how many times I came close to falling apart just because you thought I wanted to leave!" he yelled.
Abby shook her head. "Why did you have that interview, Luka? If you thought everything was so good then why were you looking for an escape."
"I wasn't looking for an escape. I asked you to marry me, you said no. What am I supposed to make of that," Luka asked as he paced around.
"Don't blame it on the proposal, Luka. It wasn't easy for me either, but I didn't run away from my problems," Abby added.
"No, you just blamed them on your mother, or on Richard, or on me! But it was never about you, Abby. I tried everything to make you happy, everything. But all you did was feel sorry for yourself and to hell with the rest of us!"
Abby laughed mirthlessly. "Don't tell me I know everything about that, Luka. Or don't you remember when we first started dating. You never talked to me about your problems. You never told me anything about your past. You would go into your little secluded room and away from anyone else. So don't tell me about making everyone miserable with my problems because you do exactly the same thing."
"Ok," Luka slapped his hands on the side of his thighs. "So I guess that makes us a match made in heaven, or is it hell?"
Abby took a deep breath and let it out, feeling so angry, that it made her nauseous. This was futile, and was getting them nowhere. "You know what? Coming here was a bad idea, Luka. I was hoping we could talk and at least reach some kind of agreement but clearly you don't want any of that." She located her purse and picked it up.
"So you're running away from the problem now," Luka said, watching her movements.
"It's something I learned from you," Abby muttered.
Luka sat on a stool by the counter, watching her. This must be a dream. Yeah. He came home and passed out on the couch and was now dreaming of Abby. She had a way of tormenting him even in his sleep. But it felt too real, his anger, the frustration. He wanted to stop fighting, but couldn't. It was what they did best.
"You know, Abby, I'd be willing to give my life for you. All I wanted was to make you happy, but you never let me, so now this is what we have left, you on one side of the country and me in the other," he added.
Abby turned to him, with her eyes half full with tears. "You know what hurt me the most, Luka? Sooner or later I was going to start feeling better and we both knew that. But you didn't love me enough to wait for that. And I did come out of that depression, but you were already gone. And where did that left me? Nowhere. And you knew that leaving was a mistake even before you talked to me about it. I know you knew it was a mistake. But when you walked out that door that was it, you were just another Richard," she said bitterly, every word burning her lips.
Luka stood up and pointed his finger at her. "Don't ever compare me to that scum, ever!"
"How can I not, Luka?" Abby asked rhetorically. "It's the same situation."
"Don't put me and Richard on the same team, Abby. None of this would have happened if you wouldn't have had that abortion." As soon as the words escaped his mouth, he shrunk down five feet.
Abby looked up at him in slow motion, tasting the anger in her lips. She shook her head slightly, and a couple of tears traveled down her cheek. "Fuck you, Luka."
Luka dropped his head and then looked up at her. "I'm sorry."
Abby found her keys and readjusted her purse on her shoulder. "I don't ever wanna see you again."
He watched as she madly opened the door and ran out into the rain. "Abby." He followed out. The rain was cold and coming down as if it was the end of the world. "Abby!" he called out.
But Abby ignored him. She kept walking quickly as hot tears escaped her eyes. Pain. That was all she was destined to feel. Pain and disappointment. She felt Luka running towards her and she turned her head slightly. "Leave me alone!"
Luka's feet ran in and out of puddles of rain as he tried to reach her. "Abby please." The rain was making it almost impossible for him to hear what she was saying, but that didn't stop him. The heel of her shoe was caught between two pebbles and she fell forward to the ground. Luka ran faster, coming to her aid.
"Don't touch me!" Abby yelled at him as she tried crawl away. Her hand hurt and she could see blood dripping from a small wound.
"Come on, Abby," Luka tried to grab her arm but she pulled away.
"I said don't touch me!" she repeated, crying her anger away.
"Abby, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," Luka begged as the cold rain gave him goose bumps. He moved closer to her, but she punched his arm.
"You have no right to judge me!" she yelled, punching his arm and his back.
"I don't," Luka said, trying to get a hold of her arms, trying to calm her down, but she was almost on fire. He moved closer, sitting next to her on the ground. She kept punching him everywhere she could, mumbling something madly. He tried to put his arm around her but she pushed it away.
"Don't touch me!" she continued, breathing faster, trying not to drown in herself.
Luka grabbed both her hands with his and pinned her body against his, trying to tame her anger, stop her tears. She struggled to get away from him, but when he wouldn't let her, she began to sob harder and clung her hand from his neck, crying against his soaked shirt.
"Shh," Luka tried to sooth her, stroking her wet hair. "I'm sorry, Abby," he said truthfully, feeling he had no right to be called a man. He rocked her back and forth but she wouldn't stop crying. The rain was falling down madly and it seemed to have no end. She pulled his shirt down with her fist and each one of her muscles was tense, burning.
Luka tried to get up but she would only pull him down harder. So he sat there and let her cry, and many of his own tears went unnoticed, mixing with the rain. He ran his hand in and out of her hair, apologizing over and over into her ear. He knew he had no right into that topic, but it would always be a thorn inside his heel. It was Abby's body, and she had the right to do with it whatever she wanted, but he loved her, and her decision had ruined their lives.
"Come on," he whispered into her ear but she was still sobbing, endless like the rain. "We are going to get sick, come on."
After a lot of struggle, he got her up, and they both quietly stumbled into the house.
~*~
"Can you wiggle your fingers?" Luka asked as he sat in a stool in front of Abby, a blanket thrown over her shoulders. Her eyes were red and swollen and her face tired. He tried to work carefully so he wouldn't wake her up from her hypnotized state.
Abby wiggled her fingers slowly, watching as Luka put butterfly stitches on her small cut. Her head was so low she could see the buttons on her own shirt, and her temples were pounding painfully.
"Does that hurt?" Luka asked.
Abby couldn't tell, she couldn't feel anything other than her headache, so she shook her head.
"Good," Luka said in a low tone. "Doesn't seem like it's broken." But Abby didn't say anything. She hadn't said anything since he brought her in and dried her up. His eyes looked up at her as he cut another small piece of white tape and put it carefully on her hand with tweezers. He grabbed her hand gently and inspected it for further injuries, and then put it down on the counter again. "Looks okay, maybe a little scar. If you want to go to the hospital we can."
"That's ok," Abby finally said, so low he could only tell what she said by the movement of her lips.
Luka kept staring at her and nodded. "Where are you staying?"
She removed the blanket from her shoulders and put it on a chair. "I'm going home."
Luka watched as she stood up and began to look for her keys, and he followed. "Abby, please stay."
Abby began to feel the tears coming again but made them stop. She shook her head no, unable to locate her purse.
"I can sleep on the couch. You shouldn't go out like this," Luka added.
"Like what?" Abby asked defensively. "Like a crazy woman?"
He stared at her and then pointed outside. "I meant in this weather."
Abby shook her head again. "Mom's taking care of Lily, I don't feel comfortable leaving her like that."
"I'm sure she's fine," Luka replied, putting his hands on his hips. He looked as she walked around aimlessly and added. "Abby why did you really come?"
"I have to go," Abby ignored him.
"Not before you tell me why you came," he added, daring her.
Abby stopped walking, looking down at the floor so he wouldn't be able to look at her face. "Luka, please. This is embarrassing enough."
"I won't judge you, I promise" Luka said, walking closer. He sat on the couch, thinking it would make things more comfortable and maybe she would communicate with him, tell him what was on her mind. Despite the earlier emotional exchange, there were still things needed to be said. As he saw it, if they admitted to their feelings, maybe things were not over. And he knew that if he let her walk out that door, he would lose her forever.
Abby looked around wearily, almost like a pray being hunted. She wanted to leave, wanted to go home to her daughter and close this chapter. Her anger brought her here, and now that her anger was gone, she found herself alone and helpless.
Ignoring all the warning signs on her head, she sat on the couch, as far away from him as she could. She expected him to ask the same question or at least to start the conversation, but he didn't. The result was minutes of silence in which she looked as her fingers danced with each other. She was very aware of her position, caught by the search light. She now had to explain herself and she didn't know how.
"Maggie thought I should come," she said, a lame excuse she only used to buy herself some time.
"Why?" Luka asked, staring at her. He could practically touch her discomfort, but decided to let her unfold herself.
"I don't know," Abby added looking around. "She said I had to talk to you."
Luka frowned, wondering what Maggie was up to, what Maggie knew. He hadn't received a phone call from her, hadn't seen her in years. He leaned forward, and rested his elbows on his thighs. "You never agree with anything Maggie says, Abby. Why did you come?"
Abby closed her eyes and opened them to look to her side. She suddenly smiled mirthlessly. "You know what Lily said? She said papa."
Luka looked forward, and a flashback of the day at the zoo in front of the elephants flashed before his eyes. He looked at Abby again, who was beginning to let the walls fall.
"I didn't... I didn't think it would bother me when she did," she continued, never looking at him. "I thought she would just ask me who was her dad was, and then I'd tell her that she was adopted. But then when she said that, I realized that some day she was gonna ask why she doesn't have a father."
Luka nodded, understanding.
"And it made me mad, because she deserves to have someone she can call daddy." She sniffed, looking down. "That night I just... it made me think of the day you proposed." She looked at him finally, "It's my fault that she doesn't have a dad, and that makes me angry."
Luka nodded again, looking at her. He still didn't know how that related to her coming here, but at least it was a start. "It's not your fault, Abby. She does have a father."
"But she'll never get to see him," Abby said. Looking away, she let her body relax some more, easing the pain off her back.
Luka tried to think of what to say, something that would make her feel better. Whatever it was, it would probably be the lesser of two evils. There was no way the last five years could be erased or covered by showers of I love you and kisses.
He stroked his face with his hand and looked at her again. "If we would have gotten married maybe we would have never found her, Abby. It's not your fault, it's just the way things work."
Abby shook her head skeptically. "Then Dave told me he talked to you."
Luka frowned, confused.
"When you left. He said he used to call you," Abby explained.
He nodded again, and looked back down. "That was five years ago, Abby."
"It's still my fault," she said.
"It's nobody's fault. I should have known it was a bad time to propose," Luka said.
Abby looked at him, and then down at her hands. She sniffed and cleared her throat. "I didn't want you to leave," she said in almost desperation. "I, when I was married to Richard the same thing happened. I got depressed and he left me because of it..."
"You thought I was going to leave you because you were depressed?" Luka interrupted, watching as she nodded a little. "Abby."
"He promised he'd be with me forever; for better or worse," she said defensively.
Luka looked away, mad. "How can you think like that? How can you ever think like that. I am not Richard, Abby."
"I know," Abby said softly.
"How can you even think like that," he repeated in disbelief.
"I said I know," Abby said louder, watching as he clenched his fists and pressed his lips together in anger. She shook her head and stood up. "This was a bad idea."
He watched as she reached for her purse and he reached for her wrist, not letting her walk away. She looked down at him and he had her sit down again. After another uncomfortable silence, he added, "That still doesn't answer my question."
Abby looked around, irritated. "Luka, what do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me the truth," Luka answered, trying not to get mad, but loosing the battle.
"I already told you," Abby said, sitting away from him.
"You came all the way to San Diego because Lily said Papa?" Luka asked incredulously.
Abby massaged her temples, looking down at the floor. She stopped and rested her elbows on her knees. "I came to say I'm sorry, okay?" She looked at him, "I'm sorry that I told you to leave even when I wanted you to stay."
The night was beginning to set in and Luka looked out his porch, looking out to the sea. This was very uncomfortable, Abby was right. Talking to her was like talking to someone who didn't speak the same language. She always avoided his question, and when she answered, she did so ambiguously. It frustrated him. When they were together, it was something he hoped he could change. It always took him more time trying to get her to let the walls down than actually talking about what bothered her.
He looked at her, and found her staring at her hands again. Her face changed and she looked as if she was about to cry. He had to look away.
"I'm scared," she added, her voice trembling.
"Why?" Luka asked.
Abby shook her head a little. Tears were coming and they were giving her an even more painful headache. She sniffed and removed a strand of hair away from her face. "I can't fix it."
Luka looked at her for a moment, not knowing what to say. All he had on his head was questions.
"Maggie said I could, but I can't," she added.
"Fix what?" Luka finally asked.
Abby took a deep breath, looking forward. "I took care of Maggie since I was little. Then I stopped drinking. I got over Richard and I finished med school. I didn't... I always thought deep down that I could be happy, but I can't. I can't do it," she added as if she wasn't hearing him, as if she was talking to herself in her room.
"We were happy, Abby," Luka said in regret.
Abby shook her head, looking down at her nails. "We were happy when we thought we could have a family. But after I found out I couldn't, I went to bed every night thinking about you. You wanted to have children, and I couldn't give them to you. You had done so much for me, and I wanted to give you a child. But I couldn't, I can't make you happy."
Luka frowned, looking at her. "Abby, if I wanted a woman only to have a baby I could choose anyone. I loved you just the same if not more. And now you know that having a child is not about biology, it's about a bond."
Abby nodded, still looking down. "I still felt like I wasn't worthy."
"You are," Luka said.
Abby leaned back against the couch, looking at the ceiling. "I still think about it, all the time. When I see those women giving birth... I love my daughter, but I'll always wonder."
Luka looked around, drained and tired. He looked back at Abby, still wondering if this was a dream. "I know about wondering, Abby. Don't, it will ruin your life."
Abby looked at Luka, and down at his hands. "I'm sorry, Luka. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"I'm sorry too," Luka said. He sat closer to her and put his arm around her shoulder, letting her rest her head on his breast. He closed his eyes, hearing the sounds of the rain as it came down on his house and the sand. He felt a couple of Abby's tears as they were absorbed by his shirt and touched his skin. Stroking her arm with his thumb and feeling at peace, he closed his eyes for a moment, just a moment.
When he opened them again, it was well into the night. His neck hurt, but when he tried to move he realized Abby was sleeping against him in the same position she had been crying. His shirt had been wet but now it was dry again, with soft stains of humidity along the buttons. Looking around, he tried to make the numbers on the clock of his stove but it was too far away. He could only assume it was around or after midnight.
He looked down at Abby, whose eyes were still swollen along with the rest of her face. But she was quiet, breathing silently. A shooting pain traveled from the base of his spine to his neck and he winced quietly, trying not to wake her. He located his watch on the coffee table in front of them, but realized he wouldn't be able to reach it without waking her up. Using his left foot, he took off his right shoe and tried to reach for the watch with his toes. He finally was able to hold it tight and reached for it with his hand. 3:46. He had to be at work at five and had not even showered yet.
He glanced down at Abby, who was still sleeping, and then at the phone. Tom had already called his attention for being distracted at work, and he would definitely not appreciate a call to request a day off, especially after already making his decision.
Letting out a sigh, he slowly put his free arm under Abby's legs and lifted her up. She quickly accommodated against him and Luka shook his head, walking towards his bedroom. After laying her down on his bed, he reached for the covers to keep her warm. She turned to the side, putting one arm under the pillow, and let out a sigh. Luka glanced at the clock on his night table, and then sat down in front of it. Putting his head in his hands, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. What would he do now? What would he tell her when she wakes up? What does her visit mean? Trying to put everything out of his mind, he stood up and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water drain away his confusion.
When he stepped out she was still sleeping, and he changed quickly, glancing back at her every once in a while. Once he was all dressed up, he walked over and looked down at her. Five years. What was it about this woman that made time lose its essence? How can she make seconds seem like weeks and years seem like minutes? It would always remain a mystery to Luka.
He cleared some hair out of her face and kissed her cheek. For a moment he thought of waking her up to tell her he'd be back, but she looked so peaceful that waking her up seemed like a sin.
He found a piece of paper on a drawer and grabbed a pen from the kitchen counter. Sitting down, he shook the old pen a couple of times and hunched over.
Dear Abby,
No, too forward.
Abby,
I have to go to work but will be back for lunch. Please don't go anywhere, we need to talk.
No, that would definitely scare her away.
Please don't go anywhere, I'm sure the baby is ok. There's breakfast in the refrigerator and if you need anything else, call me at work.
He stared at the letter, and flinched slightly at it.
Love,
No, too cheesy.
Best wishes,
Too grandma.
Wishing you were here,
He chuckled and signed across the page.
Luka.
He pinned the note on the refrigerator door with a magnet and grabbed his coat. After making sure everything looked ok, very reluctantly he reached for his keys and walked out of his house, which strangely enough, felt somehow like home.
~*~
"They think I don't know, they think I don't know, but I know," a man said quickly as Luka tried to close a big wound across his arm.
"How did you do this, Mr. Blest," Luka asked, keeping his eye on the wound.
"They! They did it!" the man replied quickly.
"Who's they?"
"The aliens."
Luka looked up immediately. "Aliens."
The man looked around suspiciously and leaned in closer to Luka. "In the bay, they come at night."
Luka nodded, looking around for the nurse.
"I was this close to going with them, this close!" the man grunted as he showed a small amount of space with his fingers. He shifted on his seat nervously, "Hey, do you wanna go?"
"To space?" Luka asked, trying to repress a smile.
"They only take the good ones, they want the smart ones so they can analyze them, see?" Mr. Blest said.
Luka cleared his throat and looked up. "I like it here on earth," he replied, taping the gauze down.
Mr. Blest shook his hand in the air and slapped his head. "Shut up, I'm telling him," he whispered to himself. "They're blowing us up," he continued telling Luka.
Luka simply nodded and at the same time the door to the room opened. "Martin?" a woman said kindly as she walked in.
Martin looked up and his face turned even more serious. "I won't be committed."
"Martin, we're just going to talk," the psychiatrist said gently.
"No! I won't be committed! I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I have a wife! I wanna go home! I won't be committed!" Martin yelled louder, running to a corner of the room.
"Haldol and Thorazine?" Luka asked the doctor.
"Yeah," she replied as the man continued to scream and shake.
After a long physical struggle, Martin was finally taken out of the room and into the psychiatric ward. Luka took off his gloves and threw them into a bin, rubbing his temples. He hadn't been able to concentrate all day and every time he got his hands on a phone to call home, someone appointed him to another task. He approached the desk, looking around the semi full board. He felt a hand slap on his shoulders and Luka turned around to see Tom standing behind him, reading a chart and drinking coffee.
"How was the goodbye?" Tom asked, still looking down at the chart.
"Better than I thought," Luka replied, sprinkling every drop of truth.
"When you talk to her, tell her I said hi," Tom added.
"Yeah," Luka said absentmindedly. He kept staring at his boss' chart, wondering what to say, or if he should say anything at all. Tom was his friend, and maybe he could help him figure things out. "Um, Tom?"
"Dr. Kovac?" a receptionist called from behind them.
Luka rolled his eyes and turned around slowly. "Yes, Gloria?"
"You have a visitor," Gloria said and produced Abby as if from thin air.
"Abby," Luka said, looking back at Tom. "What are you doing here?"
Abby half smiled and looked around, mesmerized at the luxury of the hospital. "So, do you have to have good credit references to be treated here?"
Tom started laughing loudly and obnoxiously, looking at Abby.
Luka pressed his lips together and reached for Abby, making her take some steps forward. "Tom, this is Abby from Chicago, Abby, Tom."
"Hi," Abby shook his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Abby from Chicago," Tom smiled and looked at Luka, who looked a little uneasy. He looked at Abby again and opened his mouth in recognition. "Oh, Abby from Chicago. Well," he added and watched her get nervous. "I thought you'd be taller."
"You know, Abby," Luka jumped in, guiding her away from Tom and the reception. "Why don't you... wait for me over in chairs, I'll be right there."
"Ok," Abby said. "Nice to meet you, Tom."
"You too, honey," Tom replied.
Luka let out a sigh and approached Tom, massaging his temples.
"You don't waste time, do you?" Tom joked.
Luka shook his head, not amused. "I didn't know she was coming."
"So what's going on now?" Tom asked, going back to his chart.
"I don't know, I don't know what to do. She's going to leave, and I want her to stay," Luka said in frustration.
"So tell her that," Tom replied.
"You don't know Abby, everything I say she goes and does the opposite," Luka added.
Tom smiled. "Looks like you got yourself a marriage there, Luka."
Luka put his hands on his hips and stared straight ahead, trying to think, but the more he tried, the more that cloud of black inside of him clouded his judgment. He looked around for a moment and then at Tom. "Can I take fifteen minutes?"
"Ten. And hurry up, we have patients," Tom replied.
"Thanks, Tom," Luka taped Tom's shoulder and walked over the waiting area, where Abby was watching the news.
"Oh, good," a woman walked over to him, "My husband has hemorrhoids, and we've been waiting a while."
Luka put his hands on the woman's shoulder. "Someone will be with you in a minute." He motioned Abby to come over, which she did hesitantly.
"She just got here!" the woman complained.
"This isn't medical," Luka reassured her.
"I know your tricks!" she continued to complain as she went back to her chair to sit next to her husband.
Luka walked away from the waiting area and looked down at Abby. "What happened?"
Abby played with her fingers, looking ahead. "Um..."
"Dr. Kovac, we have a trauma coming in," a young nurse announced as she ran past them.
"I'm on break, tell Costas," Luka called out. He looked around the busy hospital in a little frustration and grabbed Abby's arm. "Come on."
~*~
"Luka, this isn't necessary," Abby protested as Luka opened the door to the roof of the hospital. The clouds were white now, and the sky blue. Abby smiled at the beautiful sight in front of her. In the horizon, she could see the ocean as a straight line painted in blue. Unlike the roof at County, this one was definitely cozy and inviting.
She followed Luka as he walked towards the edge and leaned into it. She looked down at the floor, playing with her fingers, and then up at him. "I just came to say good bye."
Luka's face turned ten times more serious. "Abby no," he pleaded as his heart fell ten feet down.
Abby shook her head, looking out in the distance. "I can't, we can't do this again."
"Abby," Luka said and put his hand on her arm tentatively, scared she might run away. "I love you."
Abby bit her lip and looked down at her shoe. "I love you too." She brushed the moment aside and looked up at Luka. "Everything's a mess, Luka."
"I'll come to Chicago," Luka said desperately.
"You can't," Abby said, shaking her head. "You have your life here."
Luka looked around San Diego, and then at her. "You come to San Diego."
Abby just looked at him, and raised her shoulders slightly to let him know there was no escape. She let out a sigh and looked around. "Let's just move on."
Luka frowned in disbelief, and then in anger. "Why do you always do this?"
"Do what?" Abby asked innocently.
"You always do this, you always have to torture yourself and everyone around you," he said without thinking.
Abby just looked at the street below. "It's not torture, Luka. When we're together, we fight and hurt each other."
"But we love each other," Luka added. "So isn't that what matters?"
Abby shook her head. She took a deep breath and looked down. "Luka, I tried to move on many times after you left. And then the other day I realized that the reason why I couldn't was because there were too many things left unsaid between us. But now that we've said them, we can really move on, I know we can."
"I don't want to," Luka shook his head. "And you don't want to either. You came here for a reason, Abby, and it wasn't to move on. I don't have a life here, I have one friend. This isn't where I am supposed to be. I want to be with you and Liliana, where ever that is."
Abby shook her head. "Luka, I don't want you to follow me around, I want you to be happy. And I can't make you move back to Chicago."
"Why not?" Luka asked in more frustration.
"Because that's... where everything went wrong," she tried to explain. "Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable with everyone there?"
Luka chuckled a little, "Abby, I think after years of Carter, Dave, Mark, Romano, and Kerry, I can take it."
Abby squinted a little, looking down the building. Putting obstacles in front of him wasn't working, and telling him she loved him did not make things any easier. Five years had gone by and she didn't know what was going on inside Luka's mind. She didn't know how many women he had slept with, how many dates he had had. Did he really love her like he said he did? Or was he simply caught up in the moment? Would he leave again? Would the road be easy? Would he be a good father to her daughter? Simple questions whose answers were drifting away from the truth and tormenting her with lies and terrible scenarios. Luka was right, she did like to torture herself.
"Abby."
He brought her out of her reverie and she looked up.
Luka held her hand and looked down at her. "Do you want me to come? Because that is all I care about," he said honestly.
Ugh. Why do people always have to ask questions like that? She hated answering, hated letting anyone know how she felt. It was embarrassing, and made her feel weak and vulnerable. She looked down at their intertwined fingers and nodded just a little.
Luka's relief almost knocked him off his feet, and he lowered his head, trying to find her stare. "So what's the problem?"
Abby curled her mouth, and just shrugged her shoulders. "It may not work."
Luka nodded understandingly as his pager went off, and he quickly turned it off. He was once more risking everything away. Weeks before he was reluctant to open up to Irene because it was a bet. But now he was willing to give everything away, including his heart, to go back to Abby, the one woman who was capable of sending him in and out of trips into insanity. And then there was Chicago. He loved the city. The people were the friendliest and the sights amazing. In Chicago he could never retrieve, because sooner or later someone would grab your hand and show you life. But Chicago was the place where everything went wrong. When he went back, he was struggling to breathe, because the memories were painful. But he knew that if Abby was there, if they were there together, breathing wouldn't be necessary, because he would find himself in heaven.
This time, he wouldn't make any mistakes. "Abby," he said and watched as she looked up hesitantly. "We don't have to move into things quickly."
"What do you mean?" Abby asked, her hair struggling with the breeze.
"I can move back to the hotel and we will see what happens. We can take it slow," Luka added, looking for her reaction.
Abby scratched her head and looked up at him. "What if it doesn't work out?"
"It will," Luka said honestly. His pager went off, but he turned it off again.
"What if it doesn't?" Abby repeated.
"I'll make it work out," Luka added. He grabbed her chin and raised her head gently. "Will you help me?"
Abby couldn't move, but kept staring into his eyes. They always had the power to reassure her that everything was ok, always. She had to admit that when Luka was around, she felt safe. It was very corny and even degrading, but it was true. When things were going ok with them, it was like dancing in heaven. She never worried about what would happen tomorrow, she never dwelled on negativity and she never tortured herself. It was what she wanted, even now. A small smile appeared on the corner of her lip and she looked down.
"Are you sure about this, Luka?" she asked.
"Have I ever lied to you?"
Abby looked up and chuckled. She looked to the side and turned more serious. "Look, um, I don't wanna hurt you." She looked at him and sniffed against the cold. "I always told everyone how hard it was when you left, but knowing how much I hurt you was worse."
"Abby don't worry about that now," Luka tried to reassure her.
"I do worry, Luka, because I don't wanna hurt the man I love. And I just know that sooner or latter I'll just do something, or say something..."
"So will I," Luka added. "We'll always fight, Abby, that's what couples do. And we're good at it too."
Abby chuckled at that, and looked around for a moment, letting time pass. She then looked up at Luka and smiled. "So..."
Luka didn't give her a warning. Cupping her face he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, first with an insatiable hunger he couldn't resist, and then with a little more love and tenderness. He felt her hand on the back of his face and suddenly he couldn't even hear anymore. Many, many nights, when it was cold and lonely, he'd remember what it was like making love to Abby, holding her, kissing her. It was one of the memories he had kept most hidden. Seeing her again was hard. But seeing her and not being able to touch her... it was a torture. Touching her skin was as if his fingers skated along in it. Kissing her lips quenched his thirst, and set his body ablaze.
Cold and lonely nights. He got the feeling he wouldn't have to go through one of those anymore.
"Luka!"
An angry voice came from the door and Luka jumped back, looking at Tom.
"I've been paging you for a while now, get your ass down there, NOW," Tom yelled and slammed the door after him.
Abby let out a sigh, catching her breath and looked up, almost laughing. "Are you in trouble?"
Luka shook his head, cleaning the corner of his mouth with his finger. "No, no."
"Look, um, I have a plane ticket for today..."
"Change it," Luka added.
Abby smiled, "Luka, I can't stay long."
"Stay with me tonight," he said and grabbed her hands. "Please? We can have dinner and then we can talk about everything."
Abby kept staring at his hands, stroking his skin with her thumb. She missed her daughter terribly, but suddenly her mother's words came to mind and she decided to start living her life, not her daughter's.
She took a deep breath and looked up at Luka. "Ok."
"Great," Luka said with a bright smile. He leaned over and kissed her again. Digging inside his pocket, he took out his keys and gave them to her. "Wait for me there, I'll pick up dinner on the way home."
"Ok," Abby said as she played with the keys.
Luka smiled at her, and grabbed her face, kissing her again. "Thank you, Abby. For coming."
Abby touched her forehead against his, massaging the back of his neck. "Thanks for forgiving me."
Luka just shook his head and kissed her forehead. "Tom is going to have my ass."
Abby chuckled and let him go. "I'll be down in a minute."
"Love you," Luka winked before he disappeared.
Abby let out a sigh and leaned against the edge of the building. Looking down, she watched as three ambulances lined up together neatly and paramedics began to take patients out. Playing with Luka's keys in her pocket, she looked at the ocean away from her.
Doing a self exploration, she realized her mother was right, getting rid of the anger made her feel lighter, even happy. There was always the possibility that things might go wrong, but wondering about it always made things worse, she knew about that. For the moment she would concentrate on the events of the day. Luka would come home, they would have dinner, talk about their plans and then make love. She blushed like a teenager and saying good bye to the scene in front of her, she tapped on the cement a couple of times and turned around to go.
That night after making love, Luka watching as Abby breathed. He traced the form of her face with his finger, drowning in her scent. He loved moments like these, and prayed he could have many more. The moon was glowing outside and illuminating the room, making it seem as if time had stopped. Luka kissed Abby's neck and rested his head on her pillow, making sure she could never leave, and no one would take her away. Closing his eyes, he could not believe he was going back to Chicago. He couldn't believe he had Abby back, and he couldn't believe he would most likely be a father again. It made happiness take over his limbs and joy pour out of his pores.
When his wife died, he was able to find out for the first time just how strong love is. When he left Chicago, it was reinforced. He tried to diminish it, make it go away, transform it, give it to someone else, but no matter how much he tried, he knew he could only love his wife, and he could only love Abby. And love has a way of morphing, and transforming, and surviving as much as five years of distance. It is the wonder that is love.
As John Donne has written, it is not so pure and abstract as one might once have thought and wished, but it does endure, and it does grow.
The End
Phew, one down, one to go. Thanks to everyone for your unconditional support and all the feedback for this story. I had a lot of fun writing it and I'm glad that something I enjoy doing brings you at least ten minutes of entertainment. :)