Disclaimer: David Bellisario owns JAG, and I'm a mere
scribbler of the written word.
What I Need
By Manda (Mizuno Ami)
The wake of a ship is a
beautiful thing, and this is what Sarah Mackenzie saw as she stepped out onto
the cramped rear viewing deck of the U.S.S Minnesota. Her hands curled comfortably around the top of the protective
iron railing- holding on to something, she felt comfortable and in control,
despite echoes of voices inquiring about her wedding- and Chloe's rejection.
How could she handle Chloe's rejection, Mic's rejection…two in such a
short while.
Oh,
Chloe. Why you, too?
The night breeze was kind to
her fevered skin, blowing brown hair over her eyes and momentarily blocking her
view of the sea- fine with her. She
wasn't eager for anything that would remind her of Mic- his face, his laugh,
the night he'd proposed to her on board the ferry in the harbor. Australia was
so beautiful, and the setting had been perfect…he'd been more romantic than any
man she'd ever known…and she'd basked in that glory for oh, so long. Moonlight
glistening off of the diamond ring, so bright for her future that she would
never have to spend alone. And being sober…she'd thought that this time,
different from Chris, different from Dalton…that she could do it right.
"It
doesn't matter…if I'm sober or not." She whispered to the open air, the waves,
the sky filled with distant burning stars. Shedding her warm khaki jacket, and
tossing her hat to the deck plates, she stepped up onto the rail to feel the
salty breeze in her face. "Make me forget…"
Harm
had once told her of Jenny Lake- a woman who sang with the USO tour…whose life
had been saved by his father, when she'd attempted to jump overboard in a fit
of confusion and fear. He'd talked her back, saved her from making a terrible
mistake…and if only Harm could see his partner now…steady Sarah Mackenzie…she
was sure that he would know she wasn't as steady without her fian---without anyone.
Her
feet crept upward and she perched, swinging them into the open and leaning back
carelessly, knowing that if she took her time, Gunny wouldn't worry. She was
capable.
"As
long as you love him…" Chloe had told her what she had said to Mic, and Mac
recalled the words with a profound clarity, Chloe's face in her mind with a proud
smile at doing her part to protect someone who was so close to her. "Oh, that
wasn't the problem, sweetheart. The problem was me."
How
easy it was, imagining Mic now, although the ache in her heart did not subside
through her memories of his laugh, their time together, late nights in bed
discussing color schemes. And her dress hung forgotten on the back of the
bedroom door—she hadn't yet closed that door, not wanting to see the gown, all
pressed…ivory…beautiful...
"Not
that I'll ever get to wear that dress now," She murmured.
"Why
not?" The response was so clear, she spun around in shock at the proximity of
the voice which spoke it, feet slipping- without allowing him to see. She
clutched at the bar with non-visable panic, and regarded him from the outside.
"What
are you doing here?"
"I
requested another days leave. With all that's happening—the Admiral gave me an
extra day to come and escort you and the Gunny."
"We're
fine, Harm."
"No,
you're not. What were you thinking, Mac? Come back over here. Gunny told
me you came out here—but I didn't think you'd resort to this."
"I'm
not resorting to anything," She rebutted, and as her left hand struggled
for purchase, her engagement ring caught a moonbeam and Harmon Rabb took a step
forward.
"You
can take that off now, Mac."
Why
didn't I?
"I don't want to
yet!" She hissed, but at his concerned glance, began to pull at the bauble
which clung to her swollen finger. "I don't know!" It wouldn't come…she tugged
viciously, and as it flew off, her body slipped, ring clattering against a far
bulkhead but unheard as she found the power to scream.
No….Rabb
had grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his arms before she could object
aloud, grasping her close in comfort…shared, yet she pushed him away, angrily, fist
pounding into his shoulder as tears washed over her cheeks, lips…onto his
uniform.
"No.
Leave me alone…you've done enough. You can't be my hero, dammit! Just
like your father did for her…"
"Not
quite." Harm took her by the shoulders and held her calmly. "The woman my
father saved was beautiful…but she was saved to go on to another life. Mac…we
need to talk about us."
"There
is no us, " She shook her head and hissed painfully, turning away from
him and searching for her ring. "Where is it? Did it go overboard? Damn you,
Harm!"
As
he attempted to take her hand, she snatched it away.
"There's
you and Renee. I needed Mic…and now I've lost him, too."
"Oh,
Mac." The ring was in his palm, he pressing it into hers and curling her
fingers around it, holding them tightly. They were close…eerily so…not a
goodbye…but she knew it would have to be. "Mac, I love you- you know that."
"No,
I don't." She replied, flatly. "I have to go, Harm."
"Where?"
"Somewhere…anywhere,"
She snapped, gesturing outward. "Harm…we had something…but it's going to ruin
both of our lives if we don't get away from each other. What are you willing to
give up for me?"
He
shook his head, and she sighed, heading toward the hatch with the ring in her
hand. But he caught her- pulled her back, and held on.
"Let
it ruin…what else is there to ruin now, Sarah?" Three times. How many
times had he used her name that way…Australia. When she'd offered herself to him…and he'd said 'no'.
What had changed? They were the same people, same as they had always been…
She
opened her mouth to object- and his lips met hers with such ferocity that she
allowed herself to be lifted from the deck and into his arms. He tasted
wonderful- of coffee and mint toothpaste, his cologne wrapping her in a warm
cloak which sheltered her body from the rough wind as it came up to envelop
them.
"Will
it-"
"We'll
make it work, Sarah. We can."
She
didn't know why she trusted him; didn't understand why she was allowing him to
promise her so much. And yet, she wanted to believe something, that someone
could and would care for her…and that she loved him just as much.
"Gunny
was wondering about you," Harm informed her, and she blinked, glancing
up at the cold sky and taking his hand as he placed her onto the deck. So it
wasn't a dream… She hadn't been dreaming…
"All
right."
"Care
for an escort, Colonel?"
"I
wouldn't give up the privilege." She responded, reaching up to kiss him once
again, briefly, to remind herself of what she had in her grasp, before stepping
through the hatch with the Commander in tow.
And
the ring remained grasped in her hand, all but forgotten.
-Fin
