*Bonheur Trompé- Part 12*
by Kelly
Disclaimer: All characters in this story are the property of NBC, Warner Brothers, John Wells, and whoever else. I just borrow them and promise to return them. Don't worry, I won't hurt them. I make no money off these fics, I write them for fun.
The music in this story is "Simon" by Lifehouse
Feedback is always appreciated- DougandCarol@hotmail.com
Writer's Notes: For some odd reason, I couldn't stop writing during this part, so you get an extra long installment. It ended up being over 21 pages long. But aside from that, I needed some happiness, so there is some of that in here. Enjoy!
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Catch your breath hit the wall
Scream out loud as you start to crawl
Back in your cage the only place
Where they will leave you alone
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"How have you been sleeping lately?"
Those were the words Abby heard that February morning as she sat in Dr. DeRaad's office, staring across the room to a big red heart that had been taped to the wall. Outside, all of the snow was melted, yet it was still deathly cold. Probably too cold to snow. From the office, Abby could see the El station through the window, and a large group of people who were gathered on the platform, all huddled together.
"What?" she asked, as the sounds of his voice broke her from her trance.
"I asked how you've been sleeping lately. Are the nightmares getting better?" he asked, crossing his legs in front of him. Tapping his pen in his knee, he waited for her response.
"They're getting better. I'm not having them every night anymore." She replied. "And the one's I am having aren't as bad as they were."
"Good." He replied, making notes in her chart. "And how about how you're feeling. You mentioned that you and Luka went out shopping the other day. It's getting easier to go out alone in public without feeling as though someone will attack you?"
Abby nodded as she smiled. "I guess so. I mean, I guess knowing he isn't out there anymore, that makes it easier."
"Now what about those support groups? I gave you the names and addresses of some of them last time didn't I? Have you thought anymore about going to one of those?" Dr. DeRaad asked as the smile disappeared from her face and she grew quiet again.
"I don't know." She mumbled quietly as a reply. Looking down to the floor, she sat silent as he watched her, making more notations in her chart.
"You don't have to go, but they would really help Abby. All of the women there, they've all been through the same sort of thing as you." He continued. "They all understand how you're feeling."
She looked up hopelessly at him and sighed. "Maybe, I don't know." She finally replied.
"Ok, that's alright. They meet two times a week, sometimes three, if you do decide to go."
"Ok."
"Good, and unless there's anything else you want to talk about, we can call it quits for today." He said, closing her chart and placing it on his desk. "That was a good session."
"No, I'm ok." She mumbled back.
"You're making incredible progress Abby. You've opened up, you're trusting people again. Just give it time, before you know it, you won't think twice about doing anything."
"I will."
Nodding, he waited as she got off the couch and pulled her coat on. Holding the door open for her, he flashed her a smile. "I'll see you the same time next week, right?"
"Yes." She replied, nodding. "Bye Dr. DeRaad."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Cause the weak will seek the weaker
Til they've broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Later that afternoon, Abby fell back into the couch in the living room and sighed, looking down at the basket full of laundry that sat in front of her on the coffee table. Pushing herself up on her hands, she managed to position herself comfortably enough and grabbed for one of Luka's shirts that sat on the top of the pile. Folding it in her lap, she tossed it to the side and began folding another shirt of his.
Peering out the window as she folded the laundry, she watched as their neighbor across the street teetered down her driveway, walking toward the mailbox. Reaching for a shirt of her own as she watched, she folded it quickly and piled it next to Luka's clothes. His pile by the time she had reached the bottom of the basket was twice the size of hers, and she could only imagine why he wore so many more shirts than she did. Going through the last remains of the clothes, mostly just socks, she sighed as the phone rang, and struggled to reach it.
"Hello?" she said, coughing as she sat straight again, struggling to again find a comfortable position.
"Abby?" the voice on the other end of the phone said.
"Yes, who's this?"
"Abby, it's Dr. Legaspi over at County."
"Oh, hi Dr. Legaspi."
"Hi. Umm.. Abby, were you aware that your mother is being released tomorrow morning?"
The words that her mother was again being released made her sick to her stomach. Her being released meant she would again have to care for her until they figured out where she would go. She didn't feel she had the energy nor strength to take care of her again.
"No, I didn't." she replied shortly.
"Abby, did anyone ever explain your mothers current state to you?" Dr. Legaspi asked.
"She had another episode, what is there to explain?"
"I really shouldn't discuss this over the phone."
Abby again sighed, looking back toward the laundry basket, she lifted her legs up and left them atop the coffee table, staring down at her feet that were swollen to three times what they should have been. Pulling for a pillow, she struggled to get it behind her back and groaned as she finally did, allowing herself to sink into it.
"Dr. Legaspi, I really cannot get there today." She started, closing her eyes, shielding them from the sunlight that was peering through the window.
"I know. Listen, all I can tell you on the phone is the episode wasn't your mom's fault this time. We checked her records with her doctor in Minnesota. They had her overmedicated, she was only following their orders."
"What do you mean they had her overmedicated? They're supposed to keep track of things like that."
"I know. But, she wants to talk to you. She thinks you hate her, she's afraid you won't want to see her again. Can I have her call you tomorrow after we release her?"
Sitting silent for a moment, all Abby could do was shake her head and imagine what her mother would want to say. Opening her eyes, she dropped her feet to the floor and struggled to get up. Once she finally had, she started walking down the hallway, stopping to look at a photo that sat on the hall table.
"She can call." She finally replied. "But you're positive it wasn't her fault this time?"
"We're positive. We've had her on the 90 day hold, she's back on her meds and was more than willing to go back on them."
"Ok, fine. I guess I'll talk with her tomorrow then." Abby mumbled.
"Good." Dr. Legaspi replied. "I'll call you tomorrow then."
"Bye."
Hanging the phone up, Abby walked into the kitchen and leaned up against the refrigerator, struggling to keep her composure. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Her mother had finally gotten her life under control and then her doctors went and screwed it up. The dance was never going to end, that was obvious.
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Fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense
Left you with no defense
They tore it down
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"Dr. Weaver! Multiple Stabbing victims coming in, ETA three minutes!" Randi called out that afternoon.
"How many victims Randi?" Luka asked, as he walked up to admit, dumping a chart into another pile.
"Two." She replied, snapping her gum.
"Page Corday and Benton, we'll probably need them." Kerry said, as she gathered up the nurses. "I want five of O Neg in each of the trauma rooms! Luka, you go with Dr. Greene, Dr. Chen, you and Dr. Carter are with me." She called.
"Did they say where they were stabbed?" Dr. Chen asked as she pulled a trauma gown on and started walking with Luka outside toward the ambulance bay.
He shook his head as the cold wind hit them with a blast and began blowing his hair wildly about, brushing along his eyes. "I don't think so." He replied.
They only stood for a few seconds before the first ambulance pulled up, and the patient was unloaded. Rushing her into the ER as Doris read off her vitals and current status, Luka ran alongside the gurney with Chuny as Mark met them in the trauma room.
"Do we have a name?" Luka asked as they transferred the woman to the gurney.
"Drivers License said Kristin Hamend."
"Kristin? Can you hear me, open you eyes!" Mark said, holding her head. "Kristin."
"BP's 75/60." Chuny called.
"She's not responding, Glascow Coma scale 6." Mark said. "I want a full work up on her!" he called.
"Pump in two units of O negative and set up for a subclavian." Luka said to Yosh.
"She has good breath sounds, her pulse ox is 92." Mark said. "Chuny, call the blood bank and order 3 more of O neg stat." He ordered. "I want 10 liters by mask, a trauma panel, type and cross for four and I want a chest film now!"
"She's hypotensive." Luka reported. "Set up for a Foley."
"Hang two more units on the infuser."
"She's stabilizing, call and book an OR!" Mark called.
As the patient stabilized and Dr. Benton arrived to check her over and move her to the OR, Luka felt his own blood pressure begin to level out and he took a deep breath. The traumas were getting to him more and more each day. He knew it was from stress, but it was becoming unbearable.
"Luka?" Mark called as the gurney was wheeled from the room and he pulled the trauma gown off. "Luka!"
"What?" he asked, looking up.
"You ok?"
"What? Oh yes, I'm ok." He lied. "I'm just tired."
Mark nodded, as he yanked his gloves off. "You look like you could use a night off."
Luka didn't reply, just laughed and ran his hand over his face. Looking up at Mark, he let out a sigh and dropped his arms to his sides and he continued to lean against the trauma room wall.
"Are you and Abby doing anything tonight?" he asked curiously as Connie ran in to grab the chart.
"I do not think so." He replied, his exhaustion growing more apparent in his voice. "Why?"
"How about you and Abby come over for dinner, take the night off." He suggested.
"I do not want to impose."
"You aren't. Lets say about 7, ok?" Mark said. "Get her out for awhile, you get some rest. You can't lose."
The last remark got a chuckle out of Luka who finally nodded. "Ok, dinner at your place."
"Good, now go get a cup of coffee Kovac, you look like hell."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search
To find something else to hide behind
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The wind blew lightly against their skin as they walked up the short path to Mark and Elizabeth's house. The few scattered patches of snow were dirty and frozen, covering patches of the dead grass. The light post that stood halfway up the path provided the only light for them to use as their guide.
"Why did Mark invite us over again?" Abby asked as Luka held her arm, helping her up the stairs. Grasping a bottle of wine in his free hand, he shrugged his shoulders and rang the doorbell.
"Just to have dinner, he thought you would enjoy a night out." Luka replied as the door swung open, revealing Elizabeth, and Ella attached to her leg.
"Hello Luka, Abby." She said cheerfully as she stepped aside, allowing them inside. Once they were, she locked the door and took their coats, hanging them on a rack near the door. "It is freezing out there, isn't it?" she asked, as Luka handed her the bottle. "Thank you."
Guiding them into the living room, she set the bottle down and lifted Ella into her arms. Turning to them, she smiled. "You guys can sit, Mark will be down in a minute. Ella knocked over a bunch of paperwork right before you got here." She explained as Luka and Abby sat next to each other on the couch. "Say hello to Abby and Luka, Ella." She instructed as the girl tugged at her hair.
"Hi." She whispered shyly, burying her face in Elizabeth's shoulder.
"Hi Ella." Abby replied, adjusting her position on the couch. Luka repeated the same and scratched his leg, looking around the living room.
"I hope you like pasta, it's really the only thing I had time to cook after work." Elizabeth explained as Mark appeared on the stairs. Walking toward the living room, he took Ella from Elizabeth and sat in a chair near the couch.
"It is fine." Luka replied gratefully as Ella climbed off of Mark's lap. "Hey Mark." He said, shuffling his feet on the floor.
"Do you want to come into the kitchen Abby? Leave these two to talk about whatever manly things they want to discuss?" she joked as she again scooped Ella into her arms. "Come on you." She laughed.
"Sure." Abby replied as she got herself up off the couch and followed Elizabeth into the kitchen. "Do you want my help with anything?" she offered, as she watched her latch Ella into a high chair.
"I know she's too old for this thing but it's the only way I can keep my eyes on her." Elizabeth said as she turned away. "Oh, you don't need to help, I've just got to finish cooking the pasta and sauce."
"Ok, but I don't mind helping. Luka never lets me cook anymore at home, he thinks if I do anything I'll break." Abby replied with a small smile as she leaned over the counter.
Elizabeth laughed as she grabbed a wooden spoon and began stirring the contents of a pot. Wiping her hands with a dishtowel, she reached into a grocery bag the sat next to the stove and pulled out a loaf of bread.
"Well in that case, you can slice this bread so I can put it in the oven." She said, as she handed Abby a knife and cutting board. "That is of course, if you are up to it."
"I think I can manage." Abby laughed as she began slicing through the bread. The sounds of Mark and Luka's laugh rang through the kitchen, as did the sounds of the TV. "I guess they're having fun." She murmured.
"Mark probably put on that ridiculous reality show he likes. That or they're playing with that Nintendo game he insisted he needed." Elizabeth replied as she removed the pot from the flame and dumped its contents into a strainer.
"If I know Luka they're playing the video game."
"Probably."
As she finished cutting the bread, Abby set the knife down and moved around to the other counter where she grabbed the plates that sat in a stack. "Do you want me to set the table for you?" she asked, picking the stack up into her hands.
"If you want, just them out at the kitchen table. It'll be easier than moving everything into the dining room." Elizabeth replied.
"Ok." Abby agreed as she started setting them out with glasses and silverware. Setting a glass in front of one of the plates, she stood watching Ella who was happily playing with a stack of blocks and a doll in her highchair.
Elizabeth turned with the bowl of pasta and watched as Abby stared, and set the bowl down on the table. Setting a serving spoon next to it, she stepped back and pushed the chairs in, grabbing a stack of napkins.
"Have you started preparing for the baby?" she asked curiously as she finished with the table.
Abby shook her head and smiled slightly, turning her attention back to Elizabeth who was placing the bread into a basket. "Not unless you consider a receiving blanket and a diaper bag preparations." She replied.
"You sound like I did. Mark and I didn't even begin shopping for her until I was about 8 months. And then we rushed out and bought everything we could think of." Elizabeth laughed. "You've still got a bit of time though. And if you'd like, I kept most of Ella's baby clothes. They'd come in handy, if it is a girl though."
Abby nodded, placing the basket on the table. "Thank you." She said.
"When is your due date?"
"April 13."
Elizabeth nodded. "Have you sent Luka out on any 3am ice cream runs yet?" she joked, as she washed the last pot and left it in the dish drain. "I think we're ready."
"Not yet." Abby laughed. "I'll go get them." She offered.
Walking down the short hallway, she re-entered the living room where she found both Mark and Luka sitting in front of the television, their shoes off and in a pile to the side. Each was holding a controller and was pressing the buttons hard enough to break the remotes.
"No! Damn it, I was going for that!" Mark cried as he started pressing harder.
"You're still beating me." Luka replied as a huge explosion burst across the screen. "No!"
"If you two are done, dinner's ready." Abby called over the commotion.
"Be there is a second." Mark replied quickly. "Die damn it!"
As she made her way back to the kitchen, Abby found Elizabeth seated at the table, placing a small bowl of the food in front of Ella. Taking a seat across from her, she let out a large sigh and closed her eyes for a second.
"They'll be here in a minute, Mark's busy beating the crap out of Luka." She informed Elizabeth with another sigh.
"I figured that." Elizabeth replied as she handed Ella a spoon. "Do you want to put your feet up? I could get an extra chair." She offered.
"No, I'll be ok." Abby replied. "Just need to sit for awhile."
"That is one part I do not miss." Elizabeth said, filling a cup with a small amount of milk.
"I won't miss it either."
"Ok, we're here." Mark announced as he and Luka entered the kitchen. "What are we eating?"
"Nice to see you too." Elizabeth muttered. "Mark, go get the other carton of milk from the refrigerator." She ordered him.
As he did, Luka made his way around the table and kissed the top of Abby's head before he sat down. Pulling himself in, he turned to her and smiled.
"Are you ok?" he asked, as the bowl of pasta began to get passed around.
"Yeah." She replied, reaching for her glass. "Did you win?" she asked.
"I beat him for everything he's worth." Mark called from the counter.
"I'll win next time, I just needed a practice." Luka replied with a grin. "I say we have a re match after dinner."
"Ooh, sounds like fun." Elizabeth said sarcastically. "Ella, eat your dinner baby." She said, turning to the high chair where she was smacking her hands up and down.
"Mommy!!!!!" she screeched, slamming her hands down. "Mommy!!"
"What?"
"Pasgetti!" she cried happily and she shoved her hand into the bowl of noodles, splashing sauce all over the place. Lifting them out, her hands went immediately to her hair, streaking it with a red sauce.
Luka couldn't help but smile as Ella clapped her hands happily, as Elizabeth attempted to wipe the sauce from her hands and hair. Mark too was standing nearby, hiding his laughter and began coughing.
"Ella, stop it." Elizabeth ordered. "Eat that, do not play with it."
Turning to Luka, Abby noticed the smirk on his face and smacked his arm. "If you ever laugh at that I'll hurt you." She whispered playfully. "And I'll make you clean it up."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them til they've become just another crown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The fresh sheets and clean comforter felt warm and comforting around their legs and ankles as the nighttime darkness surrounded them, entrapping them in an eerie shadow. The darkness engulfed their bodies in a warmth that had been lacking for so long.
"Have you felt it yet?" Abby whispered through the darkness as she felt the weight of Luka's head resting heavily on her chest. His hand felt warm against her exposed skin, her nightshirt pulled up just below her chest.
The scars were healing both physically and emotionally. The burns on her stomach were nearly invisible, and the cuts throughout her body were completely healed.
"No." Luka replied as Abby's fingers ran through his hair, twisting it nervously between them. "Is she moving?" he asked, as he swallowed and exhaled, his breath hot as it hit her skin. He pressed his hand against her stomach harder, attempting to feel something.
Adjusting her body and moving her arm, Abby let out a large sigh and Luka tugged the blankets up her legs, keeping her warm. "She hasn't stopped." She whispered back, as she stopped twirling his hair. "Give me your hand," she instructed, taking his hand and moving it over her stomach, resting it above her belly button. Setting it down, she held her hand atop his and waited for his response.
Holding his hand they sat in silence for a moment. The sound of their breathing filtered softly throughout the room, creating the only noise they heard. The dark sky outside gleamed with the soft glow of the moon that shone in the sky, shining through the curtains that covered the window.
"Luka, how can you not feel that?" Abby asked in an exasperated tone. She took her hand from his and moved it lower on her abdomen before stopping. "Move your hand." She instructed.
Moving his hand lower as he adjusted his head on her chest, Luka finally let out a small chuckle. "Now I feel it." He whispered, holding his hand firmly against her stomach. His face scrunched as he laughed, the creases in his forehead becoming apparent as he did.
The pattering against his hand grew stronger as Abby moved her body. Her muscles were sore and stiff, and her ankles were becoming more and more swollen as the days passed.
"She really is moving around a lot." Luka said, his voice giddy with excitement. He moved his head closer to her stomach, resting now only a few short inches from it. "I think that the baby is a girl." He whispered, moving his hand over further as the pattering continued against his dry, cracked skin.
Abby swallowed loudly after he spoke those few words and began playing with his hair again. She listened as the clock that sat on the night table next to her ticked away, clicking in her left ear.
"Why?" she asked quietly, twirling a strand of his short hair around her ring finger, entangling it with her wedding ring. The warmth of Luka's breath against her stomach was causing goose bumps to form up and down her arms, leaving the rest of her body with a cold chill.
"I have a feeling." He replied as he took his hand and began tracing lines on her enlarged stomach with his fingers slowly. As he fumbled with the sheets that covered his legs with his free hand, a giddy feeling in his own stomach rose. "We are having a baby, Abby." He mumbled, staring into the darkness of the bedroom.
He could feel his neck twist and his head move as Abby's body moved beneath him, the feeling of her fingers on his scalp were soft and comforting. She laughed softly, rocking his head gently back and forth.
"You getting nervous?" she asked as Luka pulled his head from her chest and sat up next to her, looking down at her face. Folding his legs in front of him, he tugged the sleeves of his shirt from his elbows to over his wrists and smiled.
"No." he lied, the tone of his voice growing playful.
"You are the worst liar I know." Abby laughed lightly, as she looked up at him. The sparkle of his eyes was easily seen through the dark room. She followed them with her own as he sat staring down at her, as he unfolded his hands from his lap and moved them towards her. "What?" she asked, as his face grew solemn. "Luka?"
Leaning over, closer to her face, he pushed his right hand into a pillow and smiled. "You're beautiful." He whispered, as he softly kissed her forehead. As he pulled away, he moved his head down, becoming eye to eye with her, resting his forehead upon hers. "I've missed you." He whispered softer as he looked into her eyes and took a breath.
Before he realized what he was doing, Luka could feel his lips as they inched closer to hers, slowly reaching them. As they did, it ignited a feeling neither had felt for months. Once the realization set in, he broke free, moving his face away from hers as he watched her eyes open.
"Abby, I'm sorry." He quickly apologized, staring at her face as she lifted her left arm slowly, and wrapped it around him.
"No." she whispered, smiling. "It's… ok." She murmured, pulling him back down, closer to her again. "I'm ok."
As their lips met again, Luka pushed his body weight and moved himself closer to Abby's body, resting right next to her. As they broke apart, he smiled down at her and pressed his lips to her forehead again, kissing her softly. Carefully and gently, he made his way down the side of her face, planting kisses as he moved lower.
Reaching her neck, he paused for a minute until her felt her nod and brushed her collarbone with his fingers, trailing it with kisses, and gentle blows on her skin. Following along the whole length of her collarbone, he moved slowly and gently, taking it in like each minute was his last. Sitting up, he ran his hands down her arm and took her hand into his own. Pulling it close to his face, he began kissing each finger, watching her as he did so.
"You sure?" he whispered, his voice barely audible in the room. Watching as she took in a deep breath and let it out, she nodded slowly.
"Yes." She replied in a hushed tone, attempting to relax her muscles of their tension. Closing her eyes, she laid still as Luka continued kissing her hands, sucking on her fingers. Twisting her body nervously as he began moving, she opened her eyes back up and stared up to the ceiling, exhaling loudly as he began tracing lines down her sides with his fingers.
"I won't hurt you Abby." He whispered reassuringly as his fingers tickled her left side, and began fiddling with her nightshirt, pulling it slowly up further than it already was. "I promise."
She nodded and moved her hands up as he played with her nightshirt, laying them next to her head on the pillow, flexing her fingers. Looking down to him, she could feel the fabric as it inched slowly up her body, revealing her chest. His hands felt warm against her skin, instantly warming her to the touch as he allowed them to wander slowly.
"Luka.." she mumbled, closing her eyes and sighing as he stopped and moved up close to her again, latching his lips to hers. Probing into her mouth, he too closed his eyes, allowing himself to wander without worry.
"Abby! Luka!" a voice called through the door, causing Luka to jolt away from Abby, pushing his hair back. "Abby?"
Opening her eyes, Abby let out a small sigh, looking up to Luka who was pulling himself from the bed and to his feet. "I will go." He said, reaching for his robe that was thrown on a nearby chair.
As he approached the door, Abby tugged her nightshirt back down and pulled the blanket up over her legs, pulling herself upright in the bed. Leaning back against the pillows and headboard, she reached for the lamp switch and turned the light on, as Luka tugged the bedroom door open.
"Oh, Luka." Maggie said, sounding surprised, "I didn't want to wake you or Abby up, I didn't want to be any trouble." She started, rubbing her hands up and down her arms, shivering in the cold air. "But I was just in the bathroom and there's a puddle of water on the floor, I think a faucet or pipe is leaking."
"Oh." He replied, glancing back to Abby who sent him an amused smile and rolled her eyes. "Thank you Maggie.." he continued, pulling socks onto his feet. "I will go look."
"I just didn't want it to get bigger, leaks can get expensive." She replied, glancing into the bedroom. "Oh, did I wake you too Abby?' she asked as Luka laughed under his breath and left the room. "Sweetie, go back to sleep, you need your rest."
Entering the room, she pushed the door shut behind her, leaving only a small crack open. Abby watched as she walked across the bedroom and sat herself down on the bed, smiling at her.
"I didn't mean to wake you." She apologized, pulling one of her legs up on the bed, under her body while allowing her other to hang off the side of the bed.
Abby shook her head, pushing her hair behind her ear. "It's ok." She mumbled, lowering her head as she paused before raising it again. "I wasn't sleeping."
Maggie sat silent for a moment, staring at Abby and running her hand along the bed sheet. "Look at you." She grinned, tapping her fingers as she smiled and adjusted her bodyweight. The sound of a large clank came from down the hall, as Luka called out a quick sorry, causing Abby to laugh lightly. "Having your own baby." She finished.
Abby didn't reply, but just slowly nodded her head. She knew deep inside that the episode hadn't been Maggie's fault this time, but there was still a part to her afraid to completely trust her. She was too afraid if she trusted her, and allowed herself to grow close to her, she would only get hurt again. She was sick of being hurt.
"I'm proud of you Abby." Maggie continued, as Abby lifted her head to look at her. Catching her gaze, she smiled at her. "You've been through a lot, but you never gave up. Like I always did."
"Mom, don't." she went to reply before she got cut off.
"No, it's true Abby. You put up with me and took care of your brother all your life. You made it through your marriage with Richard, and all the problems you had then." She continued, as she pushed her body with her hands and moved over on the bed. "I know about the rape Abby." She said quietly, peering up to watch her.
The mention of the rape caused Abby to grow very still, and her face grew solemn. Peering back down where she could no longer see Maggie, she swallowed and folded her hands in her lap. "Who told you?" she whispered.
"Nobody told me. I heard bits and pieces of the story when I was in the hospital." She replied. "Why didn't you tell me?"
She didn't reply, but only played with her fingers, scratching at her arm. An awkward silence filled the room, as they both listened to the clanking coming from the bathroom down the hallway.
"I'm your mother Abby, you can talk to me."
"Being raped isn't something I like to talk about." Abby shot back, looking up. Biting her lip after she said that, she only shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry." She apologized.
"I never meant for this to happen." Maggie said softly, as she tapped at Abby's leg, looking to get her attention. "I was doing so well. My job was great, I had a nice apartment. I didn't want to hurt you again."
Sighing, as she tugged the blankets from around her legs, Abby nodded. "I know you didn't, I don't blame you this time."
"Look at me." Maggie said, turning toward the window quickly and then back. "Abby, look at me." She ordered. "You're happy now Abby, I can tell that you are. You're a completely new person from the one I saw the last time I was here. Don't let this ruin that. You married a wonderful man who loves you, I know he does. Richard never loved you the way Luka does, did he?"
Just watching her, Abby listened and waited for her to finish. The sound of a car outside filtered through the walls, as the honking grew louder. "No." she whispered.
"Don't shut him out Abby. I've only been staying here a few days but I can tell he wants to help you, let him do that. And don't worry about this baby; you will be a great mother Abby. I've known that since you were a little girl. You acted like Eric's mom, and you always watched out for him. You were always good with kids; don't worry about your own. This baby will be fine and you and Luka will love it."
As she finished, she had gathered Abby in her arms like she had 2 years earlier. Running her hand along the back of her head, stroking her gently, she rocked her back and forth like she realized she should have done years and years ago.
"You deserve a good life Abby, you have one now. Enjoy it sweetie, don't waste it worrying about things that could happen."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Maybe the three of us could go out for dinner?" Maggie suggested that evening as she pushed her way through the front door of the house, clutching the shopping bags in her hands. "Or maybe I could cook something for us?" she wondered aloud, as she allowed Abby past and dumped the shopping bags on a chair in the living room. "I saw you had some frozen chicken, I could make that."
Dumping the shopping bags from her hands, Abby turned toward the corner table that sat near the front door and began tugging her jacket off, peeling it from her body. "I have a meeting later," she replied, shoving her gloves into the pockets of her coat. "I'll just make something quick."
"No, I'll make it." Maggie offered, taking the coat from Abby. "You go sit down, I know how to use a stove."
"Mom." She protested, walking to the bottom of the stairway.
"No, I'm cooking." She replied. "I'm leaving soon, then you can cook. But I'm here and I'm going to make some use of myself after everything I put you through again."
Closing her eyes, Abby sighed and covered her eyes with her hand, before brushing it down her entire face, turning back to Maggie. "Fine."
"Good." Maggie said, smiling. "Why don't you go find Luka? Tell him dinner will be ready in about an hour. He's working tonight, right?"
"Yeah, he has to be there at 11."
"Ok, now go."
Shaking her head as her mom disappeared into the kitchen, Abby took hold of the banister and began walking up the stairs, stopping to pick up a screwdriver on the top step. Grasping it in her hand, she could only imagine why it was there or what Luka was up to.
"Luka?" she called as she walked into their bedroom. Pushing the door open, she found the bed made, but cluttered with tools, empty boxes, and ripped plastic bags. "Luka!?" she called again, kicking a small box from in front of her feet.
Down the hallway, Luka grabbed the few boxes he had left scattered and dumped them into the garbage can. Heading toward the bedroom, he grinned and turned the hallway light off. "Abby?" he called, as he entered the bedroom.
"What is all this?" she asked, pointing toward the mess on the bed.
"I have to show you something." He replied, grinning. "Come here."
"What?"
"It is a surprise."
Grasping his hand around her wrist, he led her down the hallway to an extra bedroom, and put his hand around the doorknob. Watching her wait impatiently, he laughed and let go of her wrist.
"Close your eyes." He instructed, turning the doorknob. "Do not peek."
"This better be good." She mumbled playfully, tugging on the bottom of her sweater.
"You ready?" he asked, as the door began to creek open.
"Yes."
Taking hold of her hand, he led her into the room and closed the door quickly behind them. Letting her go, he took a step back and quickly adjusted one last thing before feeling satisfied. "Ok, open your eyes." He finally instructed.
As her eyes opened, Luka stood and watched as Abby's face turned to one of pure shock. He watched as her eyes lit up and she swallowed, taking in the surroundings. "Luka.." she gulped, turning her focus, looking throughout the room.
"Do you like it?" he asked, moving closer to her.
Not answering, she just nodded, walking toward the window. "When did you do all of this?' she asked, sounding disbelieved. "Where did you get all of this?"
Her eyes were darting from place to place throughout the room, staring at everything she saw. The walls with the fresh powder blue paint, the mural that covered all four of the walls. The white clouds, and the small fairies that flew throughout the sky, each in a different pose, all with either light pink or yellow wings covered the entire room. It looked as if it had been painted by a professional, and cost a fortune. Against one of the walls sat a crib, fully furnished with bedding that matched the mural. Up against another wall sat a matching changing table stocked full of diapers and baby powder and anything else they could have possibly needed. A matching dresser stood near the door, and a rocking chair sat near the window, where he had hung curtains.
Walking toward her, he wrapped his arms around her and rested his head atop hers. "When you were sleeping I painted the walls." He mumbled softly, blowing a strand of her hair from his face.
"You painted that mural?" she asked softly, moving over toward the crib where she reached in, running her fingers along the crib bumper.
"No." he replied, pausing for a second. "You're mom painted the mural."
Staring down into the crib, she took a deep breath and began playing with the mobile that sat hanging over the railing. "My mom painted this?"
"Last night, I helped her with the clouds though." He confessed. "She said she wanted to help, that she knew you always liked that mural you helped her paint when you were little."
Closing her eyes, Abby smiled and turned around toward Luka. "Thank you." She whispered, leaning into him. Looking up at him, she smiled and took another glance around the room. "Where did you get all of this?"
He smiled back down at her and looked over at the rocking chair. "It is from that catalogue you were looking at. It is the set you said you really liked."
"Luka, this must have cost a fortune." She said, looking around.
"It's ok, it was not so bad." He replied. "And the men who delivered it even put most of it together for me. I only had to pay them a little extra."
Abby laughed as he wrapped his arms around her, resting her head on his chest. "What if the baby isn't a girl?" she asked curiously, eying just how geared the entire room was toward the baby being a girl.
"It is… I can tell." He replied. "And if I am wrong, I guess we repaint." He laughed. Pausing, he looked down to her and kissed the top of her head. "Do you like it?' he asked.
She nodded as he pulled her over toward the rocking chair, helping her down into it. Kneeling down next to her, he smiled and pressed his hand to her stomach.
"I love it." She mumbled, pressing her head back into the chair.
"Good." He replied, smiling up at her. "And I am scared Abby.' He confessed. "But everything will be ok."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Refuse to feel, anything at all
Refuse to slip, refuse to fall
Can't be weak, can't stand still
You watch your back cause no one will
You don't know why they had to go this far
Traded your worth for these scars for your only company
Don't believe the lies that they have told to you
Not one word was true
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So I was called to testify, and even after everything I said, and the medical records, he was only give six months behind bars, and a years worth of probation." A middle-aged woman spoke to the group that was gathered later that evening. "He gets out next week and I'm terrified I'm going to wake up one morning and he'll be outside of my apartment waiting for me."
The others in the group nodded. It was a small group of women, all seated in a circle. Looking around, it wouldn't seem obvious to any stranger who walked into the meeting what they were there for, but they all had one thing in common. Every woman seated in that circle had been raped.
When Abby had first walked into the meeting, a sick feeling built within her, just knowing that the other 13 women who surrounded her had been through the same hell and torture she had. But as soon as she was seated, and the talking began, she had begun to feel at ease. They immediately welcomed her, offered as much support as they could give. They each spoke of their own tales, how they were doing, what ever happened to their attackers.
"What about you Abby?" one of the women named Kylee asked. "How long did your attacker get?"
Sitting there, picking at her fingernails, she was taken aback at the straight forwardness of the question. Looking up to the group of women who now all had their eyes on her, she took a deep breath. They all wore comforting smiles on their faces, some nodding their heads, encouraging her to share.
"He's dead." She replied slowly, looking down at her feet.
"Whoa." One of the other women said, louder than she'd meant to.
"How'd he die?" another asked, knowing she didn't want to pry, but her curiosity got the best of her.
Staring back at them, she swallowed nervously and broke off one of her fingernails. "He raped another woman after me, and the cops shot him." She replied. "It killed him."
They all sat in silence for a minute, looking toward Abby and how uncomfortable she was. Two of them glanced at each other awkwardly and then smiled at her.
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." One told her. "You don't have to share the first few times, we all know it can be awkward."
"We just get curious sometimes, and we all found that sharing can help you feel better." Another finished.
Abby nodded and bit her lip. "No, it's ok. It's just hard to talk about it, but you all know that." She replied quietly. Moving her feet, she stretched her legs out and sighed, arching her back as she turned back to them.
"Don't worry, after awhile, it does get better. The nightmares stop, and you feel comfortable doing things again. And its not as hard to talk about it." Another woman named Monica said. "But the group here helps, we help each other through the hard times."
"Yeah, sometimes we hang out even outside of here. Sometimes we all go to dinner, or shopping. It really helps, knowing there are people going through the same thing you are. "
Abby sat silent; taking in everything the women around her were telling her. They gave her a sense of welcome in their group, like she belonged. She hadn't wanted to even set foot in this hall less than an hour and a half ago, but now she felt it were somewhere she wouldn't mind coming. They understood her feelings, her nightmares.
"Thank you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
You're alright
You're alright
You're alright
And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
07/26/01
by Kelly
Disclaimer: All characters in this story are the property of NBC, Warner Brothers, John Wells, and whoever else. I just borrow them and promise to return them. Don't worry, I won't hurt them. I make no money off these fics, I write them for fun.
The music in this story is "Simon" by Lifehouse
Feedback is always appreciated- DougandCarol@hotmail.com
Writer's Notes: For some odd reason, I couldn't stop writing during this part, so you get an extra long installment. It ended up being over 21 pages long. But aside from that, I needed some happiness, so there is some of that in here. Enjoy!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Catch your breath hit the wall
Scream out loud as you start to crawl
Back in your cage the only place
Where they will leave you alone
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"How have you been sleeping lately?"
Those were the words Abby heard that February morning as she sat in Dr. DeRaad's office, staring across the room to a big red heart that had been taped to the wall. Outside, all of the snow was melted, yet it was still deathly cold. Probably too cold to snow. From the office, Abby could see the El station through the window, and a large group of people who were gathered on the platform, all huddled together.
"What?" she asked, as the sounds of his voice broke her from her trance.
"I asked how you've been sleeping lately. Are the nightmares getting better?" he asked, crossing his legs in front of him. Tapping his pen in his knee, he waited for her response.
"They're getting better. I'm not having them every night anymore." She replied. "And the one's I am having aren't as bad as they were."
"Good." He replied, making notes in her chart. "And how about how you're feeling. You mentioned that you and Luka went out shopping the other day. It's getting easier to go out alone in public without feeling as though someone will attack you?"
Abby nodded as she smiled. "I guess so. I mean, I guess knowing he isn't out there anymore, that makes it easier."
"Now what about those support groups? I gave you the names and addresses of some of them last time didn't I? Have you thought anymore about going to one of those?" Dr. DeRaad asked as the smile disappeared from her face and she grew quiet again.
"I don't know." She mumbled quietly as a reply. Looking down to the floor, she sat silent as he watched her, making more notations in her chart.
"You don't have to go, but they would really help Abby. All of the women there, they've all been through the same sort of thing as you." He continued. "They all understand how you're feeling."
She looked up hopelessly at him and sighed. "Maybe, I don't know." She finally replied.
"Ok, that's alright. They meet two times a week, sometimes three, if you do decide to go."
"Ok."
"Good, and unless there's anything else you want to talk about, we can call it quits for today." He said, closing her chart and placing it on his desk. "That was a good session."
"No, I'm ok." She mumbled back.
"You're making incredible progress Abby. You've opened up, you're trusting people again. Just give it time, before you know it, you won't think twice about doing anything."
"I will."
Nodding, he waited as she got off the couch and pulled her coat on. Holding the door open for her, he flashed her a smile. "I'll see you the same time next week, right?"
"Yes." She replied, nodding. "Bye Dr. DeRaad."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Cause the weak will seek the weaker
Til they've broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Later that afternoon, Abby fell back into the couch in the living room and sighed, looking down at the basket full of laundry that sat in front of her on the coffee table. Pushing herself up on her hands, she managed to position herself comfortably enough and grabbed for one of Luka's shirts that sat on the top of the pile. Folding it in her lap, she tossed it to the side and began folding another shirt of his.
Peering out the window as she folded the laundry, she watched as their neighbor across the street teetered down her driveway, walking toward the mailbox. Reaching for a shirt of her own as she watched, she folded it quickly and piled it next to Luka's clothes. His pile by the time she had reached the bottom of the basket was twice the size of hers, and she could only imagine why he wore so many more shirts than she did. Going through the last remains of the clothes, mostly just socks, she sighed as the phone rang, and struggled to reach it.
"Hello?" she said, coughing as she sat straight again, struggling to again find a comfortable position.
"Abby?" the voice on the other end of the phone said.
"Yes, who's this?"
"Abby, it's Dr. Legaspi over at County."
"Oh, hi Dr. Legaspi."
"Hi. Umm.. Abby, were you aware that your mother is being released tomorrow morning?"
The words that her mother was again being released made her sick to her stomach. Her being released meant she would again have to care for her until they figured out where she would go. She didn't feel she had the energy nor strength to take care of her again.
"No, I didn't." she replied shortly.
"Abby, did anyone ever explain your mothers current state to you?" Dr. Legaspi asked.
"She had another episode, what is there to explain?"
"I really shouldn't discuss this over the phone."
Abby again sighed, looking back toward the laundry basket, she lifted her legs up and left them atop the coffee table, staring down at her feet that were swollen to three times what they should have been. Pulling for a pillow, she struggled to get it behind her back and groaned as she finally did, allowing herself to sink into it.
"Dr. Legaspi, I really cannot get there today." She started, closing her eyes, shielding them from the sunlight that was peering through the window.
"I know. Listen, all I can tell you on the phone is the episode wasn't your mom's fault this time. We checked her records with her doctor in Minnesota. They had her overmedicated, she was only following their orders."
"What do you mean they had her overmedicated? They're supposed to keep track of things like that."
"I know. But, she wants to talk to you. She thinks you hate her, she's afraid you won't want to see her again. Can I have her call you tomorrow after we release her?"
Sitting silent for a moment, all Abby could do was shake her head and imagine what her mother would want to say. Opening her eyes, she dropped her feet to the floor and struggled to get up. Once she finally had, she started walking down the hallway, stopping to look at a photo that sat on the hall table.
"She can call." She finally replied. "But you're positive it wasn't her fault this time?"
"We're positive. We've had her on the 90 day hold, she's back on her meds and was more than willing to go back on them."
"Ok, fine. I guess I'll talk with her tomorrow then." Abby mumbled.
"Good." Dr. Legaspi replied. "I'll call you tomorrow then."
"Bye."
Hanging the phone up, Abby walked into the kitchen and leaned up against the refrigerator, struggling to keep her composure. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Her mother had finally gotten her life under control and then her doctors went and screwed it up. The dance was never going to end, that was obvious.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense
Left you with no defense
They tore it down
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Dr. Weaver! Multiple Stabbing victims coming in, ETA three minutes!" Randi called out that afternoon.
"How many victims Randi?" Luka asked, as he walked up to admit, dumping a chart into another pile.
"Two." She replied, snapping her gum.
"Page Corday and Benton, we'll probably need them." Kerry said, as she gathered up the nurses. "I want five of O Neg in each of the trauma rooms! Luka, you go with Dr. Greene, Dr. Chen, you and Dr. Carter are with me." She called.
"Did they say where they were stabbed?" Dr. Chen asked as she pulled a trauma gown on and started walking with Luka outside toward the ambulance bay.
He shook his head as the cold wind hit them with a blast and began blowing his hair wildly about, brushing along his eyes. "I don't think so." He replied.
They only stood for a few seconds before the first ambulance pulled up, and the patient was unloaded. Rushing her into the ER as Doris read off her vitals and current status, Luka ran alongside the gurney with Chuny as Mark met them in the trauma room.
"Do we have a name?" Luka asked as they transferred the woman to the gurney.
"Drivers License said Kristin Hamend."
"Kristin? Can you hear me, open you eyes!" Mark said, holding her head. "Kristin."
"BP's 75/60." Chuny called.
"She's not responding, Glascow Coma scale 6." Mark said. "I want a full work up on her!" he called.
"Pump in two units of O negative and set up for a subclavian." Luka said to Yosh.
"She has good breath sounds, her pulse ox is 92." Mark said. "Chuny, call the blood bank and order 3 more of O neg stat." He ordered. "I want 10 liters by mask, a trauma panel, type and cross for four and I want a chest film now!"
"She's hypotensive." Luka reported. "Set up for a Foley."
"Hang two more units on the infuser."
"She's stabilizing, call and book an OR!" Mark called.
As the patient stabilized and Dr. Benton arrived to check her over and move her to the OR, Luka felt his own blood pressure begin to level out and he took a deep breath. The traumas were getting to him more and more each day. He knew it was from stress, but it was becoming unbearable.
"Luka?" Mark called as the gurney was wheeled from the room and he pulled the trauma gown off. "Luka!"
"What?" he asked, looking up.
"You ok?"
"What? Oh yes, I'm ok." He lied. "I'm just tired."
Mark nodded, as he yanked his gloves off. "You look like you could use a night off."
Luka didn't reply, just laughed and ran his hand over his face. Looking up at Mark, he let out a sigh and dropped his arms to his sides and he continued to lean against the trauma room wall.
"Are you and Abby doing anything tonight?" he asked curiously as Connie ran in to grab the chart.
"I do not think so." He replied, his exhaustion growing more apparent in his voice. "Why?"
"How about you and Abby come over for dinner, take the night off." He suggested.
"I do not want to impose."
"You aren't. Lets say about 7, ok?" Mark said. "Get her out for awhile, you get some rest. You can't lose."
The last remark got a chuckle out of Luka who finally nodded. "Ok, dinner at your place."
"Good, now go get a cup of coffee Kovac, you look like hell."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search
To find something else to hide behind
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The wind blew lightly against their skin as they walked up the short path to Mark and Elizabeth's house. The few scattered patches of snow were dirty and frozen, covering patches of the dead grass. The light post that stood halfway up the path provided the only light for them to use as their guide.
"Why did Mark invite us over again?" Abby asked as Luka held her arm, helping her up the stairs. Grasping a bottle of wine in his free hand, he shrugged his shoulders and rang the doorbell.
"Just to have dinner, he thought you would enjoy a night out." Luka replied as the door swung open, revealing Elizabeth, and Ella attached to her leg.
"Hello Luka, Abby." She said cheerfully as she stepped aside, allowing them inside. Once they were, she locked the door and took their coats, hanging them on a rack near the door. "It is freezing out there, isn't it?" she asked, as Luka handed her the bottle. "Thank you."
Guiding them into the living room, she set the bottle down and lifted Ella into her arms. Turning to them, she smiled. "You guys can sit, Mark will be down in a minute. Ella knocked over a bunch of paperwork right before you got here." She explained as Luka and Abby sat next to each other on the couch. "Say hello to Abby and Luka, Ella." She instructed as the girl tugged at her hair.
"Hi." She whispered shyly, burying her face in Elizabeth's shoulder.
"Hi Ella." Abby replied, adjusting her position on the couch. Luka repeated the same and scratched his leg, looking around the living room.
"I hope you like pasta, it's really the only thing I had time to cook after work." Elizabeth explained as Mark appeared on the stairs. Walking toward the living room, he took Ella from Elizabeth and sat in a chair near the couch.
"It is fine." Luka replied gratefully as Ella climbed off of Mark's lap. "Hey Mark." He said, shuffling his feet on the floor.
"Do you want to come into the kitchen Abby? Leave these two to talk about whatever manly things they want to discuss?" she joked as she again scooped Ella into her arms. "Come on you." She laughed.
"Sure." Abby replied as she got herself up off the couch and followed Elizabeth into the kitchen. "Do you want my help with anything?" she offered, as she watched her latch Ella into a high chair.
"I know she's too old for this thing but it's the only way I can keep my eyes on her." Elizabeth said as she turned away. "Oh, you don't need to help, I've just got to finish cooking the pasta and sauce."
"Ok, but I don't mind helping. Luka never lets me cook anymore at home, he thinks if I do anything I'll break." Abby replied with a small smile as she leaned over the counter.
Elizabeth laughed as she grabbed a wooden spoon and began stirring the contents of a pot. Wiping her hands with a dishtowel, she reached into a grocery bag the sat next to the stove and pulled out a loaf of bread.
"Well in that case, you can slice this bread so I can put it in the oven." She said, as she handed Abby a knife and cutting board. "That is of course, if you are up to it."
"I think I can manage." Abby laughed as she began slicing through the bread. The sounds of Mark and Luka's laugh rang through the kitchen, as did the sounds of the TV. "I guess they're having fun." She murmured.
"Mark probably put on that ridiculous reality show he likes. That or they're playing with that Nintendo game he insisted he needed." Elizabeth replied as she removed the pot from the flame and dumped its contents into a strainer.
"If I know Luka they're playing the video game."
"Probably."
As she finished cutting the bread, Abby set the knife down and moved around to the other counter where she grabbed the plates that sat in a stack. "Do you want me to set the table for you?" she asked, picking the stack up into her hands.
"If you want, just them out at the kitchen table. It'll be easier than moving everything into the dining room." Elizabeth replied.
"Ok." Abby agreed as she started setting them out with glasses and silverware. Setting a glass in front of one of the plates, she stood watching Ella who was happily playing with a stack of blocks and a doll in her highchair.
Elizabeth turned with the bowl of pasta and watched as Abby stared, and set the bowl down on the table. Setting a serving spoon next to it, she stepped back and pushed the chairs in, grabbing a stack of napkins.
"Have you started preparing for the baby?" she asked curiously as she finished with the table.
Abby shook her head and smiled slightly, turning her attention back to Elizabeth who was placing the bread into a basket. "Not unless you consider a receiving blanket and a diaper bag preparations." She replied.
"You sound like I did. Mark and I didn't even begin shopping for her until I was about 8 months. And then we rushed out and bought everything we could think of." Elizabeth laughed. "You've still got a bit of time though. And if you'd like, I kept most of Ella's baby clothes. They'd come in handy, if it is a girl though."
Abby nodded, placing the basket on the table. "Thank you." She said.
"When is your due date?"
"April 13."
Elizabeth nodded. "Have you sent Luka out on any 3am ice cream runs yet?" she joked, as she washed the last pot and left it in the dish drain. "I think we're ready."
"Not yet." Abby laughed. "I'll go get them." She offered.
Walking down the short hallway, she re-entered the living room where she found both Mark and Luka sitting in front of the television, their shoes off and in a pile to the side. Each was holding a controller and was pressing the buttons hard enough to break the remotes.
"No! Damn it, I was going for that!" Mark cried as he started pressing harder.
"You're still beating me." Luka replied as a huge explosion burst across the screen. "No!"
"If you two are done, dinner's ready." Abby called over the commotion.
"Be there is a second." Mark replied quickly. "Die damn it!"
As she made her way back to the kitchen, Abby found Elizabeth seated at the table, placing a small bowl of the food in front of Ella. Taking a seat across from her, she let out a large sigh and closed her eyes for a second.
"They'll be here in a minute, Mark's busy beating the crap out of Luka." She informed Elizabeth with another sigh.
"I figured that." Elizabeth replied as she handed Ella a spoon. "Do you want to put your feet up? I could get an extra chair." She offered.
"No, I'll be ok." Abby replied. "Just need to sit for awhile."
"That is one part I do not miss." Elizabeth said, filling a cup with a small amount of milk.
"I won't miss it either."
"Ok, we're here." Mark announced as he and Luka entered the kitchen. "What are we eating?"
"Nice to see you too." Elizabeth muttered. "Mark, go get the other carton of milk from the refrigerator." She ordered him.
As he did, Luka made his way around the table and kissed the top of Abby's head before he sat down. Pulling himself in, he turned to her and smiled.
"Are you ok?" he asked, as the bowl of pasta began to get passed around.
"Yeah." She replied, reaching for her glass. "Did you win?" she asked.
"I beat him for everything he's worth." Mark called from the counter.
"I'll win next time, I just needed a practice." Luka replied with a grin. "I say we have a re match after dinner."
"Ooh, sounds like fun." Elizabeth said sarcastically. "Ella, eat your dinner baby." She said, turning to the high chair where she was smacking her hands up and down.
"Mommy!!!!!" she screeched, slamming her hands down. "Mommy!!"
"What?"
"Pasgetti!" she cried happily and she shoved her hand into the bowl of noodles, splashing sauce all over the place. Lifting them out, her hands went immediately to her hair, streaking it with a red sauce.
Luka couldn't help but smile as Ella clapped her hands happily, as Elizabeth attempted to wipe the sauce from her hands and hair. Mark too was standing nearby, hiding his laughter and began coughing.
"Ella, stop it." Elizabeth ordered. "Eat that, do not play with it."
Turning to Luka, Abby noticed the smirk on his face and smacked his arm. "If you ever laugh at that I'll hurt you." She whispered playfully. "And I'll make you clean it up."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them til they've become just another crown
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The fresh sheets and clean comforter felt warm and comforting around their legs and ankles as the nighttime darkness surrounded them, entrapping them in an eerie shadow. The darkness engulfed their bodies in a warmth that had been lacking for so long.
"Have you felt it yet?" Abby whispered through the darkness as she felt the weight of Luka's head resting heavily on her chest. His hand felt warm against her exposed skin, her nightshirt pulled up just below her chest.
The scars were healing both physically and emotionally. The burns on her stomach were nearly invisible, and the cuts throughout her body were completely healed.
"No." Luka replied as Abby's fingers ran through his hair, twisting it nervously between them. "Is she moving?" he asked, as he swallowed and exhaled, his breath hot as it hit her skin. He pressed his hand against her stomach harder, attempting to feel something.
Adjusting her body and moving her arm, Abby let out a large sigh and Luka tugged the blankets up her legs, keeping her warm. "She hasn't stopped." She whispered back, as she stopped twirling his hair. "Give me your hand," she instructed, taking his hand and moving it over her stomach, resting it above her belly button. Setting it down, she held her hand atop his and waited for his response.
Holding his hand they sat in silence for a moment. The sound of their breathing filtered softly throughout the room, creating the only noise they heard. The dark sky outside gleamed with the soft glow of the moon that shone in the sky, shining through the curtains that covered the window.
"Luka, how can you not feel that?" Abby asked in an exasperated tone. She took her hand from his and moved it lower on her abdomen before stopping. "Move your hand." She instructed.
Moving his hand lower as he adjusted his head on her chest, Luka finally let out a small chuckle. "Now I feel it." He whispered, holding his hand firmly against her stomach. His face scrunched as he laughed, the creases in his forehead becoming apparent as he did.
The pattering against his hand grew stronger as Abby moved her body. Her muscles were sore and stiff, and her ankles were becoming more and more swollen as the days passed.
"She really is moving around a lot." Luka said, his voice giddy with excitement. He moved his head closer to her stomach, resting now only a few short inches from it. "I think that the baby is a girl." He whispered, moving his hand over further as the pattering continued against his dry, cracked skin.
Abby swallowed loudly after he spoke those few words and began playing with his hair again. She listened as the clock that sat on the night table next to her ticked away, clicking in her left ear.
"Why?" she asked quietly, twirling a strand of his short hair around her ring finger, entangling it with her wedding ring. The warmth of Luka's breath against her stomach was causing goose bumps to form up and down her arms, leaving the rest of her body with a cold chill.
"I have a feeling." He replied as he took his hand and began tracing lines on her enlarged stomach with his fingers slowly. As he fumbled with the sheets that covered his legs with his free hand, a giddy feeling in his own stomach rose. "We are having a baby, Abby." He mumbled, staring into the darkness of the bedroom.
He could feel his neck twist and his head move as Abby's body moved beneath him, the feeling of her fingers on his scalp were soft and comforting. She laughed softly, rocking his head gently back and forth.
"You getting nervous?" she asked as Luka pulled his head from her chest and sat up next to her, looking down at her face. Folding his legs in front of him, he tugged the sleeves of his shirt from his elbows to over his wrists and smiled.
"No." he lied, the tone of his voice growing playful.
"You are the worst liar I know." Abby laughed lightly, as she looked up at him. The sparkle of his eyes was easily seen through the dark room. She followed them with her own as he sat staring down at her, as he unfolded his hands from his lap and moved them towards her. "What?" she asked, as his face grew solemn. "Luka?"
Leaning over, closer to her face, he pushed his right hand into a pillow and smiled. "You're beautiful." He whispered, as he softly kissed her forehead. As he pulled away, he moved his head down, becoming eye to eye with her, resting his forehead upon hers. "I've missed you." He whispered softer as he looked into her eyes and took a breath.
Before he realized what he was doing, Luka could feel his lips as they inched closer to hers, slowly reaching them. As they did, it ignited a feeling neither had felt for months. Once the realization set in, he broke free, moving his face away from hers as he watched her eyes open.
"Abby, I'm sorry." He quickly apologized, staring at her face as she lifted her left arm slowly, and wrapped it around him.
"No." she whispered, smiling. "It's… ok." She murmured, pulling him back down, closer to her again. "I'm ok."
As their lips met again, Luka pushed his body weight and moved himself closer to Abby's body, resting right next to her. As they broke apart, he smiled down at her and pressed his lips to her forehead again, kissing her softly. Carefully and gently, he made his way down the side of her face, planting kisses as he moved lower.
Reaching her neck, he paused for a minute until her felt her nod and brushed her collarbone with his fingers, trailing it with kisses, and gentle blows on her skin. Following along the whole length of her collarbone, he moved slowly and gently, taking it in like each minute was his last. Sitting up, he ran his hands down her arm and took her hand into his own. Pulling it close to his face, he began kissing each finger, watching her as he did so.
"You sure?" he whispered, his voice barely audible in the room. Watching as she took in a deep breath and let it out, she nodded slowly.
"Yes." She replied in a hushed tone, attempting to relax her muscles of their tension. Closing her eyes, she laid still as Luka continued kissing her hands, sucking on her fingers. Twisting her body nervously as he began moving, she opened her eyes back up and stared up to the ceiling, exhaling loudly as he began tracing lines down her sides with his fingers.
"I won't hurt you Abby." He whispered reassuringly as his fingers tickled her left side, and began fiddling with her nightshirt, pulling it slowly up further than it already was. "I promise."
She nodded and moved her hands up as he played with her nightshirt, laying them next to her head on the pillow, flexing her fingers. Looking down to him, she could feel the fabric as it inched slowly up her body, revealing her chest. His hands felt warm against her skin, instantly warming her to the touch as he allowed them to wander slowly.
"Luka.." she mumbled, closing her eyes and sighing as he stopped and moved up close to her again, latching his lips to hers. Probing into her mouth, he too closed his eyes, allowing himself to wander without worry.
"Abby! Luka!" a voice called through the door, causing Luka to jolt away from Abby, pushing his hair back. "Abby?"
Opening her eyes, Abby let out a small sigh, looking up to Luka who was pulling himself from the bed and to his feet. "I will go." He said, reaching for his robe that was thrown on a nearby chair.
As he approached the door, Abby tugged her nightshirt back down and pulled the blanket up over her legs, pulling herself upright in the bed. Leaning back against the pillows and headboard, she reached for the lamp switch and turned the light on, as Luka tugged the bedroom door open.
"Oh, Luka." Maggie said, sounding surprised, "I didn't want to wake you or Abby up, I didn't want to be any trouble." She started, rubbing her hands up and down her arms, shivering in the cold air. "But I was just in the bathroom and there's a puddle of water on the floor, I think a faucet or pipe is leaking."
"Oh." He replied, glancing back to Abby who sent him an amused smile and rolled her eyes. "Thank you Maggie.." he continued, pulling socks onto his feet. "I will go look."
"I just didn't want it to get bigger, leaks can get expensive." She replied, glancing into the bedroom. "Oh, did I wake you too Abby?' she asked as Luka laughed under his breath and left the room. "Sweetie, go back to sleep, you need your rest."
Entering the room, she pushed the door shut behind her, leaving only a small crack open. Abby watched as she walked across the bedroom and sat herself down on the bed, smiling at her.
"I didn't mean to wake you." She apologized, pulling one of her legs up on the bed, under her body while allowing her other to hang off the side of the bed.
Abby shook her head, pushing her hair behind her ear. "It's ok." She mumbled, lowering her head as she paused before raising it again. "I wasn't sleeping."
Maggie sat silent for a moment, staring at Abby and running her hand along the bed sheet. "Look at you." She grinned, tapping her fingers as she smiled and adjusted her bodyweight. The sound of a large clank came from down the hall, as Luka called out a quick sorry, causing Abby to laugh lightly. "Having your own baby." She finished.
Abby didn't reply, but just slowly nodded her head. She knew deep inside that the episode hadn't been Maggie's fault this time, but there was still a part to her afraid to completely trust her. She was too afraid if she trusted her, and allowed herself to grow close to her, she would only get hurt again. She was sick of being hurt.
"I'm proud of you Abby." Maggie continued, as Abby lifted her head to look at her. Catching her gaze, she smiled at her. "You've been through a lot, but you never gave up. Like I always did."
"Mom, don't." she went to reply before she got cut off.
"No, it's true Abby. You put up with me and took care of your brother all your life. You made it through your marriage with Richard, and all the problems you had then." She continued, as she pushed her body with her hands and moved over on the bed. "I know about the rape Abby." She said quietly, peering up to watch her.
The mention of the rape caused Abby to grow very still, and her face grew solemn. Peering back down where she could no longer see Maggie, she swallowed and folded her hands in her lap. "Who told you?" she whispered.
"Nobody told me. I heard bits and pieces of the story when I was in the hospital." She replied. "Why didn't you tell me?"
She didn't reply, but only played with her fingers, scratching at her arm. An awkward silence filled the room, as they both listened to the clanking coming from the bathroom down the hallway.
"I'm your mother Abby, you can talk to me."
"Being raped isn't something I like to talk about." Abby shot back, looking up. Biting her lip after she said that, she only shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry." She apologized.
"I never meant for this to happen." Maggie said softly, as she tapped at Abby's leg, looking to get her attention. "I was doing so well. My job was great, I had a nice apartment. I didn't want to hurt you again."
Sighing, as she tugged the blankets from around her legs, Abby nodded. "I know you didn't, I don't blame you this time."
"Look at me." Maggie said, turning toward the window quickly and then back. "Abby, look at me." She ordered. "You're happy now Abby, I can tell that you are. You're a completely new person from the one I saw the last time I was here. Don't let this ruin that. You married a wonderful man who loves you, I know he does. Richard never loved you the way Luka does, did he?"
Just watching her, Abby listened and waited for her to finish. The sound of a car outside filtered through the walls, as the honking grew louder. "No." she whispered.
"Don't shut him out Abby. I've only been staying here a few days but I can tell he wants to help you, let him do that. And don't worry about this baby; you will be a great mother Abby. I've known that since you were a little girl. You acted like Eric's mom, and you always watched out for him. You were always good with kids; don't worry about your own. This baby will be fine and you and Luka will love it."
As she finished, she had gathered Abby in her arms like she had 2 years earlier. Running her hand along the back of her head, stroking her gently, she rocked her back and forth like she realized she should have done years and years ago.
"You deserve a good life Abby, you have one now. Enjoy it sweetie, don't waste it worrying about things that could happen."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Maybe the three of us could go out for dinner?" Maggie suggested that evening as she pushed her way through the front door of the house, clutching the shopping bags in her hands. "Or maybe I could cook something for us?" she wondered aloud, as she allowed Abby past and dumped the shopping bags on a chair in the living room. "I saw you had some frozen chicken, I could make that."
Dumping the shopping bags from her hands, Abby turned toward the corner table that sat near the front door and began tugging her jacket off, peeling it from her body. "I have a meeting later," she replied, shoving her gloves into the pockets of her coat. "I'll just make something quick."
"No, I'll make it." Maggie offered, taking the coat from Abby. "You go sit down, I know how to use a stove."
"Mom." She protested, walking to the bottom of the stairway.
"No, I'm cooking." She replied. "I'm leaving soon, then you can cook. But I'm here and I'm going to make some use of myself after everything I put you through again."
Closing her eyes, Abby sighed and covered her eyes with her hand, before brushing it down her entire face, turning back to Maggie. "Fine."
"Good." Maggie said, smiling. "Why don't you go find Luka? Tell him dinner will be ready in about an hour. He's working tonight, right?"
"Yeah, he has to be there at 11."
"Ok, now go."
Shaking her head as her mom disappeared into the kitchen, Abby took hold of the banister and began walking up the stairs, stopping to pick up a screwdriver on the top step. Grasping it in her hand, she could only imagine why it was there or what Luka was up to.
"Luka?" she called as she walked into their bedroom. Pushing the door open, she found the bed made, but cluttered with tools, empty boxes, and ripped plastic bags. "Luka!?" she called again, kicking a small box from in front of her feet.
Down the hallway, Luka grabbed the few boxes he had left scattered and dumped them into the garbage can. Heading toward the bedroom, he grinned and turned the hallway light off. "Abby?" he called, as he entered the bedroom.
"What is all this?" she asked, pointing toward the mess on the bed.
"I have to show you something." He replied, grinning. "Come here."
"What?"
"It is a surprise."
Grasping his hand around her wrist, he led her down the hallway to an extra bedroom, and put his hand around the doorknob. Watching her wait impatiently, he laughed and let go of her wrist.
"Close your eyes." He instructed, turning the doorknob. "Do not peek."
"This better be good." She mumbled playfully, tugging on the bottom of her sweater.
"You ready?" he asked, as the door began to creek open.
"Yes."
Taking hold of her hand, he led her into the room and closed the door quickly behind them. Letting her go, he took a step back and quickly adjusted one last thing before feeling satisfied. "Ok, open your eyes." He finally instructed.
As her eyes opened, Luka stood and watched as Abby's face turned to one of pure shock. He watched as her eyes lit up and she swallowed, taking in the surroundings. "Luka.." she gulped, turning her focus, looking throughout the room.
"Do you like it?" he asked, moving closer to her.
Not answering, she just nodded, walking toward the window. "When did you do all of this?' she asked, sounding disbelieved. "Where did you get all of this?"
Her eyes were darting from place to place throughout the room, staring at everything she saw. The walls with the fresh powder blue paint, the mural that covered all four of the walls. The white clouds, and the small fairies that flew throughout the sky, each in a different pose, all with either light pink or yellow wings covered the entire room. It looked as if it had been painted by a professional, and cost a fortune. Against one of the walls sat a crib, fully furnished with bedding that matched the mural. Up against another wall sat a matching changing table stocked full of diapers and baby powder and anything else they could have possibly needed. A matching dresser stood near the door, and a rocking chair sat near the window, where he had hung curtains.
Walking toward her, he wrapped his arms around her and rested his head atop hers. "When you were sleeping I painted the walls." He mumbled softly, blowing a strand of her hair from his face.
"You painted that mural?" she asked softly, moving over toward the crib where she reached in, running her fingers along the crib bumper.
"No." he replied, pausing for a second. "You're mom painted the mural."
Staring down into the crib, she took a deep breath and began playing with the mobile that sat hanging over the railing. "My mom painted this?"
"Last night, I helped her with the clouds though." He confessed. "She said she wanted to help, that she knew you always liked that mural you helped her paint when you were little."
Closing her eyes, Abby smiled and turned around toward Luka. "Thank you." She whispered, leaning into him. Looking up at him, she smiled and took another glance around the room. "Where did you get all of this?"
He smiled back down at her and looked over at the rocking chair. "It is from that catalogue you were looking at. It is the set you said you really liked."
"Luka, this must have cost a fortune." She said, looking around.
"It's ok, it was not so bad." He replied. "And the men who delivered it even put most of it together for me. I only had to pay them a little extra."
Abby laughed as he wrapped his arms around her, resting her head on his chest. "What if the baby isn't a girl?" she asked curiously, eying just how geared the entire room was toward the baby being a girl.
"It is… I can tell." He replied. "And if I am wrong, I guess we repaint." He laughed. Pausing, he looked down to her and kissed the top of her head. "Do you like it?' he asked.
She nodded as he pulled her over toward the rocking chair, helping her down into it. Kneeling down next to her, he smiled and pressed his hand to her stomach.
"I love it." She mumbled, pressing her head back into the chair.
"Good." He replied, smiling up at her. "And I am scared Abby.' He confessed. "But everything will be ok."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Refuse to feel, anything at all
Refuse to slip, refuse to fall
Can't be weak, can't stand still
You watch your back cause no one will
You don't know why they had to go this far
Traded your worth for these scars for your only company
Don't believe the lies that they have told to you
Not one word was true
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So I was called to testify, and even after everything I said, and the medical records, he was only give six months behind bars, and a years worth of probation." A middle-aged woman spoke to the group that was gathered later that evening. "He gets out next week and I'm terrified I'm going to wake up one morning and he'll be outside of my apartment waiting for me."
The others in the group nodded. It was a small group of women, all seated in a circle. Looking around, it wouldn't seem obvious to any stranger who walked into the meeting what they were there for, but they all had one thing in common. Every woman seated in that circle had been raped.
When Abby had first walked into the meeting, a sick feeling built within her, just knowing that the other 13 women who surrounded her had been through the same hell and torture she had. But as soon as she was seated, and the talking began, she had begun to feel at ease. They immediately welcomed her, offered as much support as they could give. They each spoke of their own tales, how they were doing, what ever happened to their attackers.
"What about you Abby?" one of the women named Kylee asked. "How long did your attacker get?"
Sitting there, picking at her fingernails, she was taken aback at the straight forwardness of the question. Looking up to the group of women who now all had their eyes on her, she took a deep breath. They all wore comforting smiles on their faces, some nodding their heads, encouraging her to share.
"He's dead." She replied slowly, looking down at her feet.
"Whoa." One of the other women said, louder than she'd meant to.
"How'd he die?" another asked, knowing she didn't want to pry, but her curiosity got the best of her.
Staring back at them, she swallowed nervously and broke off one of her fingernails. "He raped another woman after me, and the cops shot him." She replied. "It killed him."
They all sat in silence for a minute, looking toward Abby and how uncomfortable she was. Two of them glanced at each other awkwardly and then smiled at her.
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." One told her. "You don't have to share the first few times, we all know it can be awkward."
"We just get curious sometimes, and we all found that sharing can help you feel better." Another finished.
Abby nodded and bit her lip. "No, it's ok. It's just hard to talk about it, but you all know that." She replied quietly. Moving her feet, she stretched her legs out and sighed, arching her back as she turned back to them.
"Don't worry, after awhile, it does get better. The nightmares stop, and you feel comfortable doing things again. And its not as hard to talk about it." Another woman named Monica said. "But the group here helps, we help each other through the hard times."
"Yeah, sometimes we hang out even outside of here. Sometimes we all go to dinner, or shopping. It really helps, knowing there are people going through the same thing you are. "
Abby sat silent; taking in everything the women around her were telling her. They gave her a sense of welcome in their group, like she belonged. She hadn't wanted to even set foot in this hall less than an hour and a half ago, but now she felt it were somewhere she wouldn't mind coming. They understood her feelings, her nightmares.
"Thank you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
You're alright
You're alright
You're alright
And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
07/26/01