Rick had just tucked Riley in bed as Riley fell asleep when he went back downstairs to finish with putting a few things away and after that he had set Lesley's urn beside her picture of both her and Laura
" I miss you Lesley... I really do... And I really wish you were here right now. I miss some of the things you would go on to say." Rick blew a kiss to Lesley's urn before stepping away to take his stuff upstairs.
Jessie tried to get back into a normal routine but started to find it alittle hard not to think about the following day as it would've been Lesley's birthday and the reality that Lesley was gone struck Jessie in her heart where she stepped away to take a moment
" Lesley I don't know what you want me to do... I just... I miss you so much... I just wish you would come back."
Jessie started to think back to the first time when Lesley first started working on at General.
~~
" Jessie when Dr Lesley Williams arrives would you page me as soon as she comes in..." Steve requested
" I don't think I have to, this might be her walking in right now."
" Are you Doctor Steven Hardy?" Lesley asked
" Yes I am and this is my head nurse of every nurse on my staff nurse Jessie Brewer" Steve replied
" It's nice to meet you both.. My name is Lesley Williams. I recently transferred from upstate New York City." Lesley shook Steve's hand with a smile
~~
Jessie closed her eyes for a moment when she started feeling that Lesley was there as well as she felt Steve's hand on her shoulder.
" Jessie, is everything okay?" Steve asked
" Yeah I'm alright Steve... I'm sorry I just... I guess I needed a moment.. today is just real difficult to face knowing that the day after tomorrow is or would've been….."
" I know the day after tomorrow would've been Lesley's birthday... Why don't you just take some time off to go and see the kids and Rick for today... I'm gonna head over there later." Steve suggested
" Because Steve I can't just ignore why I became a nurse in the first place and Lesley would want me to get back to work and she would want me to try to move on through these difficult periods even if I were really having difficulty focusing.. I can't just sit around home or over at Rick's because I miss my daughter so much... I'm sorry Steve, I need to get back for work."
~~~
Leaving the kids with Alice for a couple hours, Rick felt that it was a good idea to make an appointment with Gail to see her right away before he thought he was gonna start to lose his grip in himself
" I'm sorry Gail I know that you have a heavy patient load today but I just didn't know what else to do..."
" It's alright Rick... I know this time of the year and what you've had to go through is very hard for you to get through." Gail replied
" I've been trying to keep it together... And for awhile I was okay... Gail I don't know how much longer I can do it and it scares me." Rick got out
" Take a deep breath Rick... Tell me what scares you.." Gail said gently
" What scares me Gail is I may not be able to be there when the kids will need me to be there the most..."
" Rick you will be... You have been there from the very start... What you and Lesley had... You will always have that kind of love doesn't just go away even when it came that Lesley had passed away, she's still with you..." Gail moved to sit next to Rick
" I haven't slept in that bedroom since that morning as it's where Lesley... I just can't seem to find it in myself to sleep in that bed..."
" It's alright Rick... It's not easy to deal with the loss of someone we love." Gail replied
" I just can't bring myself to stay in our bedroom. Because all it has done is remind me where Lesley spent her last couple of moments and spent the last few of the months of what life she had left struggling to make through each day, struggling to be able to breathe… What was worse is she hated for me to stay there with her as she continued to decline. And what's almost worse even then that is…. She was in the side chair that I bought her when her and I learned about the twins. I took her off her medical support other than her IV that I left because it was her morphine line.. I sat there in that chair Gail with her in my arms."
~~~
" Aunt Jessie, how come Dad has to keep leaving... I thought he was supposed to be home today." Jesslyn asked
" He'll come home soon... Genesis be careful with that... Don't swing that here in the house..."
" It would be nice if Dad would be home... He never is anymore." Genesis replied
" That is quite enough Genesis... Now your father has alot on his back and right now it is very difficult for him and you are too young to understand what he's going through." Jessie pointed out
" I lost mom too and if I can open up which I promised I would as Jesslyn has,... Then he should too.." Genesis argued
" As I said, you are too young to understand what your father is going through. You may be becoming a young adult, but until you can walk in the same shoes or on the same plane as what
your father has had to face, you cannot fully understand just what that man is going through . He and your mother were together for more than 30 years... That's a long time to have somebody and when you lose that very person, it could take a long time to cope and get through that kind of loss if you would be able to. I went through the same thing before I met your father... and what your father needs is our support not judgment." Jessie said straightforward
Gail started to see the roots in how deep Rick's grief started to become
" I would've given anything to have taken her place... Anything at all... Lesley had so much to live for... What kills me Gail is she's never gonna see the kids grow up she's never gonna get to see the girls go to prom or finish high school… She won't get to see for when the girls turn 15 later this year and Riley… she didn't get to see him turn 6 and now he's 7 she didn't get to see that either. " Rick sniffled
" She'll be able to be there Rick because she's right here..." Gail gestured with her hand. " Lesley fought and she fought harder than anybody else could've."
" Yeah she did... Like the stubborn little bug she's always been.. she's always been my stubborn little bug and I always told her that too.. I also used to call her my little bug too at times.." Rick barely showed a small smile
" It's time that you forgive Lesley so you can cope with her passing Rick."
" What do you mean 'forgive Lesley'? What's there to forgive Lesley for? She fought... She put up a brave fight and she tried... If anyone should be at fault it should be me. I wasn't there to help her, I couldn't help her get better." Rick tried not to cry
" And that's where forgiving Lesley comes in... To forgive Lesley Rick you have to forgive yourself of that guilt that you couldn't be the one to help her in regards to her getting better... If Lesley were here, what do you think she would want to say to you... What would she tell you?" Gail replied
" She would tell me to stop holding on to what I couldn't do... And then she would tell me to focus for what lies ahead for the kids... And that would be after she would go on telling me to stop believing that I did something wrong." Rick replied and sat back slightly.
" Tell me alittle bit about how your routine is when you go home from here. How do you get settled after you get home and you go to relax..." Gail asked carefully
~~~
Jessie finished helping Jesslyn with her homework and later helped get dinner ready for when Rick had gotten home but what concerned her was that Genesis wasn't in her room and Jessie had gathered that she must've snuck out
" Jesslyn, have you seen where your sister went?"
" Oh I don't know, I was relaxing and spending time with Riley. She's not in her room?..." Jesslyn replied
" No she's not. What is going on with that girl... She knows she's not to be doing these things.."
" I'm honestly worried more about Dad... He is really struggling... I think Dad's holding it against himself." Jesslyn expressed
" I know what you mean... He can't let go that he wasn't able to help your mother get better.."
" I just hope that Dad doesn't end up in a deep depression..." Jesslyn replied and picked up her stuff.
~~~
Genesis spent the time she intended to have with her friends. " He just let it happen, Becca. It's like he knew the whole time my mom needed help but he didn't do anything about it he just let her die." Genesis lit a cigarette
" You don't actually believe that... How could you believe something like that about your own father..."
" It's simple Becca he didn't help her he just let her go like she didn't mean anything to anyone then he sent me, my sister, and my brother somewhere else and we didn't even have a chance to say anything to her nevermind have a chance to say goodbye or that we love her..."
" I don't think that is all true Gene... I remember when he last freaked out when I was over there with you... He loved your mom and that doesn't just change out of nowhere. And I never got a chance to say goodbye to mine either but that was because it was how she wanted it. My mom didn't want me to have to see her look like the way she did or want me to remember her that way and it didn't matter because I was in school when she had died." Becca responded
Genesis quickly threw out the cigarettes when Jessie finally found her
" Young lady, you have alot of explaining to do... Get in the car right now." Jessie bit out
~~~
Rick took a few minutes to try to get himself together but started to have alot of trouble with his control in his grief
" Take your time Rick, it's okay.." Gail said gently
" Mostly all I do going home is I walk in while the kids are about to have their dinner, I go wash up alittle then I spend dinner with them naturally and after that, I get ready for bed... I avoid going anywhere near our bedroom. Jesslyn usually helps with getting some stuff for me like change of clothes, things like that… I just can't bring myself to going near or into our bedroom. I can't sleep in our bedroom... I've slept in the spare guest room ever since... But before I go to try to get some sleep, I spend my time just sitting beside Lesley in the side room where her stuff that I packed up from here… I just spend that time talking to Lesley as if it made a difference because she'll never respond or come home again"
" Rick, I think it's time that you forgive yourself... You have a tremendous amount of guilt that you are holding onto your back because you feel you could've done something to change what went on.. Rick there was nothing anybody could've done... You did nothing wrong and you did the best you could Lesley said so herself she said many times when she had sessions with me that you were the biggest blessing to her that and she specifically said that you were truly the only thing other than Jessie and the kids, that she was ever truly happy to spend her life with..." Gail replied trying again to get through to Rick about his guilt
" How exactly do I do that Gail, my little bug, she's gone and I could not help her. I can't just let that go..." Rick got out
" Rick, we all thought there could've been something that we could've done. There was nothing that we could do other than be there where it was gonna count and matter the most to Lesley. You have to let go of this burden of guilt that is tearing into you. You have to forgive yourself and Lesley so you can start to heal." Gail reached out again to try to help Rick.
" I just want things to go back to how they were 3 years ago, the kids were happy and thriving through the summers. Lesley and I were stronger than we've ever been together and she was doing great other than her minor hiccups with her heart condition. We used to do it all trips, walks, slight arguments, everything until the damn Leukemia got ahold of her and everything after that shot everything down to hell. Lesley suffered through so much first Laura was murdered and she was nearly Paralyzed for life, then the transplant and even then I think someone had tried to kill her… after that for awhile we were good until Frank Smith then wanted to try again to go after Lesley and knowing that we had the Girls at the time, he had put out a hired hit for Lesley and the girls which was when I gambled with the risk of losing her and the girls when I helped to get Smith and poor Lesley had to believe for 6 months that I was gone… I still wish I didn't put her through that hell… and after that Riley came into our lives and that was the proudest moment in my life even though that night Lesley tried her best to keep relaxed before he was dead-set on wanting to start his life. I remember I nearly dropped the bedside tray I was carrying into our bedroom because Lesley had tried to get up for whatever reason or just wanted to sit up but was along the side with a tight grip on the rim of her side to the bed and she had her other hand to her side like we sometimes would do when you get a cramp or if someone were to have punched you in the side…. I knew then there was no way that Riley was
gonna be waiting. He was comin right then only we got lucky to at least make it to the car but I still had to pull over half way to getting her here to General because Riley had just started to poke his head down sorta speak. " Rick started to think back of a few good moments and terrifying moments.
" Lesley and I, we had our fair share of ups and downs but nothing would ever compare to the years I got to spend. I only wish that it didn't come to end the way it did." Rick admitted
" Rick sometimes there are things we can't control if we can control anything and Lesley knew that just like she knew you like the back of her hand and knew very well that you were gonna hold on to the burden and the guilt that you're holding right now because you couldn't help her the way you thought you could. You have to let go of that guilt Rick. you have to forgive yourself and forgive her so while you will always have to carry the grief and the hole that she's always had with all of us, you can at least manage to be able to heal enough for yourself."
" I wish you would stop telling me that I have something to forgive Lesley for. Lesley tried and fought for as long and as hard as she could. I just wish that she didn't have to fight at all." Rick replied.
Gail and Rick got ready to wrap up with his session so he could get back home in time for Jesslyn and Genesis's home visit with their guidance counselor for their school and Riley had a surprise for Rick that he hoped would bring alittle bit of a cheer up in Rick but he didn't count in it as it wasn't gonna always be easy for Rick to carry a smile for a day or for alittle while.