Rick finished with his session with Gail and later went up to the hospital chapel searching for an answer to why he had all that guilt from everything that happened over the last 2 years. To him, it just seemed like all he had left was the burden of the guilt and then the sense of anger because he couldn't find it in himself to cope that Lesley was gone.
" I guess you figured I should be grateful huh grateful to you that I have my kids that they're thriving and they're going along okay... I guess you thought I could believe that you care about my family and I... Where was your so-called compassion and careness when my wife was suffering or when she couldn't even get through a night without gasping for a breath… Where were you as she suffered and couldn't get better" Rick snapped out but tried to get in control " You took my wife away from me, you didn't care that she had a family she had her kids to see grow up. You just took her from us."
Watching Rick from a distance, Lesley saw the pain Rick was in. There was no question that she didn't see or feel how broken Rick had been from the second she had passed away... It was almost as if she could picture living in a separate reality where she was in his place and going through the same that he is... Except she was sadly the one that had died and he had to go on without her..
" Some answers can't be found... Even when we try so hard to look..." Lesley laid a hand on Rick's shoulder
" You can't keep going this way Rick. you have so much you could be doing for yourself you have so much to give." Lesley sat next to Rick in her own way.
" There's nothing that I would care to do Lesley. Nothing means anything to me without you." Rick replied and stood up " Rick you don't mean that. I know you don't…. Please tell me you don't really mean that." Lesley replied in a shocked response.
" I miss you Lesley, I miss you so much... I don't know what I'm doing without you..."
" Yes you do... Rick you know more than you have allowed yourself to... There are things that none of us can understand. Even I don't seem to understand why I couldn't get better again and why I had to be the one to suffer as much as I did... You can do so much if you allow yourself to look into yourself if you just believe into yourself..." Lesley looked at Rick right in the eyes
" Lesley it's not that easy alright I don't know who to be without you... You were my bull... My navigation to how to get through the day you kept me grounded to the floor and... The day after tomorrow I was supposed to be able to wake up and surprise you as you would be turning 50 and instead I get to wake up before the kids do to sit in our little side room not counting after I bring you outside for our little dawn routine that we always had together then I will be back inside and I get to sit by your urn on what supposed to be your birthday. Lesley it just wasn't supposed to be this way you should be here alive." Rick turned around and sat down
Steve, Gail and Audrey were around the corner about to walk by while hearing Rick in the chapel assuming they were hearing Rick talking to himself
" I think I better see if Rick is alright!" Steve said but Gail stopped him
" I think that would be a very bad mistake Steve... Rick is facing very deep and serious demons surrounding with losing Lesley... During today's session he really couldn't understand what I meant as I suggested that he has to forgive himself... I think stopping him from getting his anger out now will really set him back." Gail answered
Rick tried to calm himself just enough where he could feel that he was still in control but he knew beyond a doubt in his head, that he was slowly losing control to what he felt was left of his life.
" Rick, we can't always change what happens to us… what happens to anyone I knew from the start the moment I was told the very second that I had Leukemia… that this was gonna be a battle I very well could lose with the chances and the history in my family starting back to my grandmother.. and for every single day I lied to you I am sorry Rick that I kept it from you."
" I wish you would stop saying that Lesley… you didn't do anything wrong, not like how I did…. I could've no I should've been there when you needed me. I should've pushed for you to have the right help you needed and instead I gave in to what you wanted and because of that you are gone and I am alone." Rick stated
" Richard this nonsense is enough and I won't have it…. I chose to not continue or restart Chemo because it wouldn't have mattered. I would have died anyway, don't you see that…. How many times do I have to say to you that how and what I chose for my final moments was the best choice I could've made? I would have never wanted it to be any other way than how it was spent…. I spent them with you together in your arms. That is where I wanted to be and where I wanted to allow my life to end.. and it did Rick with nothing but peace, and quiet and the love that you never stopped showing for me." Lesley barked
Lesley Faded out before Rick could say anything more which only added fuel to the flame in his grief or as he continued to show it as his guilt that she was gone to start with. Rick thought about what Gail said more about him forgiving Lesley and to him that was a ridiculous thought to have because to him there was nothing to forgive her for when she fought harder than most could to get better.
" Rick, you have to let this go, you need to forgive me and forgive yourself from that time ago... It's the only thing that's holding you back from being able to move on for yourself and for the kids.." Lesley got out
" I can't do that Lesley, I can't let it go... I failed as a husband, I failed you... I can't live with that." Rick barked
" Richard Webber, you did not fail me and you know that... You did more than everything you ever thought you could... Rick, you were there when I needed you... Yes I kept lying about my health and I hid it... But you were there... I spent my final days Rick with you right where I wanted to be and I spent them in your arms. Rick I would have given anything to change how I hurt you but I can't change that. I can't change that I did the one thing I feared I was gonna do... This is where I'm always gonna be Richard in your heart and in your arms..." Lesley put her foot down to get her point across before disappearing
A few moments after what seemed like a dream or anything else... Rick found himself still trying to keep in control but couldn't stop himself from taking his anger out on the wall behind him as he started swinging his fists eventually breaking one wrist and spraining his other
" Rick... Rick... Stop.. it's alright... It's gonna be okay" Gail said in front of him hoping to get through to him..
" Steve, see if you can find Jessie I think it would be a good idea.. Audrey and I can get him to x-ray and get him taken care of..." Gail asked
" I can't do this anymore... I just can't do it..." Rick broke down
" Rick, I know how much it hurts... How hard it is to get through the day.. but you can do it... That's what Lesley sees in you, your strength... Not just the love you have..." Gail exclaimed gently but carefully as well
" It wasn't supposed to be this way... She isn't supposed to be gone.. How do I go without her..."
" Rick, I wish I had an answer for you to help you understand... It's never easy to lose anyone we love.." Gail said gently
" I... I would give anything to just hold Lesley again or for her to be angry with me about the dumbest thing... Hell I'd give anything just to let her argue I'm more stubborn and arrogant than I've ever been..." Rick said
~~~
Jessie pulled into the driveway finally but wasn't about to ignore Genesis's behavior with the sneaking out and now she was caught with a cigarette in her hand. " Hold it young lady! I want you to explain to me why you think that you can just go around and do what you want whenever you feel like it and smoking Genesis of all things. Do you have that little of self respect for yourself that you would rather harm yourself medically then focus on finishing school.."
" Aunt Jessie, it's my life, why can't everybody just leave me alone!" Genesis shouted in response
" Let me tell you why young lady!." Jessie started then straightened out her train of thought " there were more than 3 doctors that worked on my son when they tried to save his life in Afghanistan he was 25 years old just starting into his military career. By that time there was nothing that could be done. My husband and I then lost our daughter a year and 4 days later when she was abducted. She never came home again alive. My husband Phil and I spent 6 years trying to understand why someone would hurt a 4 year old little girl. We buried ourselves in work and had shut everybody out by that time until your mother came into the picture and turned my way of thinking and my life around."
" I still fail to see why any of that would have to do with me or matter as to what I choose to do."
" Genesis your mother became like a daughter to my husband and I even in the short four months he knew her, he was fond of her just as I always was. She wasn't just like a daughter to me after that she became my daughter in every sense of the word and for you to do all of this you're gonna end up throwing your life away with what you're doing. Smoking Genesis is gonna catch up to you and when it does, you can and you may just end up as sick as your mother was. Is that what you want to become as sick as your mother was where you would be counting down to your final moments of your life?"
Jessie waited for about 5 minutes when Genesis wasn't answering the question which upset Jessie more before they went in the house. " I have to head for the hospital for work, when I get back here later with your father, I better get an answer young lady!" Jessie left to head off and later parked next to Lesley's old parking space where she had always parked.
~~~
" Rick, you have got to keep still and let us help you." Gail said while waiting in emergency for X-ray.
" Except Gail nothing is gonna help me right now, not unless you know a way to bring Lesley back to me." Rick barked
A couple hours after Rick had a few X-rays taken Gail finally got him to get a few minutes to rest.
Steve finally found where Jessie was spending alot of her time before going on duty. " Jessie are you alright?"
" Honestly Steve I think I've gone completely numb to what's going on... Would you like to join me?" Jessie answered
" Actually Jessie I have been sent to find you Rick could really need you right now he about lost his control here in the hospital up in the chapel... Audrey and Gail are with him in X-ray in emergency... Audrey and I and even Gail believe he's in deep emotional trouble this time.." Steve explained the situation
" That's what I was afraid of... I'll get over there right now... Thanks Steve for letting me know."
Jessie heads over to emergency where Audrey and Gail were with Rick as they took care of both of his wrists.
" Rick, are you alright?!" Jessie barked.
" I'm trying Jessie... I lost my cool up in the chapel. I really don't know what came over one minute. I was in complete control and the next Gail was in front of me trying to get through to me while stopping me from swinging at the walls... I miss Lesley... I miss her so much Jessie… without her I have become lost."
" I know you do... I do too but I think what has been helping me somewhat is that I am determined to keep one in particular of the few promises I made to her and I promised that I would look after you when you really someone... Now I'm gonna drive you home and you are gonna take an easy and maybe even get some sleep." Jessie replied and gave Rick a hug
" Jessie I don't honestly feel that there's anything else you can do to help me… without having Lesley, there's nothing else to my life that would make a difference"
" Rick I have thought that same way many times but Lesley turned that around for me she changed my life for the better. I now am gonna give that back to her by doing for you what she did for me. Now you aren't gonna argue with me, I'm gonna take you home and you're gonna try to get some rest and I'm gonna put both Jesslyn and Mrs. Grant in charge until I get off my shift and can stop by to check on you."
" Jessie how do you do it really…. How do you seem to make it through going day by day?"
" I do it by keeping in mind the biggest promise I set out to make and keep. I know it's not easy and it's harder on you because Lesley was everything to you. But I also know how it goes when losing a spouse Rick I've been there. Come on, I need to get you home."
~~~
Jesslyn finished picking up in the living-room and made sure that Riley has something to eat before Jessie and Rick had returned from the hospital
" Genesis you're supposed to be helping me pick up it's your chore too.." Jesslyn barked
" Why you seen to have it under control why should I have to do anything" Genesis replied back
" What's your deal anyway... You're not the only one who lost mom! I lost her too and so did Dad and so did Riley... The only difference is we're not all stuck up about things... Dad's barely getting through a day with it all and you're acting like it's nothing to worry about!."
" At least our hands to it all are clean, at least we weren't here to feel like we did something wrong... Dad chose to send us away from here he chose to send us somewhere else... And you're right we all lost mom... Because of him.. he did it..." Genesis walked off
Listening through the door Rick finally worked up the courage to walk in the door to put his coat away but had alittle trouble as he had both of his wrists bandaged and his left wrist was in a stern cast after he had broken it from earlier that day.
" Dad, let me help you..." Jesslyn asked and helped Rick or his coat away " thank you Jess..."
" Dad, what did you do? How did you do this to yourself..." Jesslyn asked when gesturing for Rick to sit with her on the couch.
" I had alittle moment up at the hospital... I lost my cool alittle bit but I'm okay sweetheart... That I promise." Rick
insisted
" Jesslyn, could you and I talk for a moment before I go back to the hospital?" Jessie asked
" Ah sure… you stay right there Dad because you and me should talk when I come back." Jesslyn stepped near by the front door for alittle bit.
" I think you're right and I'll pass the word to Mrs Grant when I see her… I'm worried about Dad too…. I just hope things don't get worse."
Jessie went back to the hospital and Jesslyn didn't go blind to what Rick was going through and decided to sit Rick down to talk to him before telling him to go upstairs to rest
" I'm not blind you know… I can see the pain that you're in dad and like Aunt Jessie and you pointed out all the time, it's not worth it to keep it hidden. Dad, I'm worried about you, so is Riley."
" I'll be fine honey, I just need to find a way to deal with it better." Rick replied
" I miss her too... You wanna know what's kept me goin through the last 2 years and a few days?"