Jesslyn and Genesis settled in their dorms and decided to later call to check on Rick while they had a chance before they were to start their first couple of classes the following morning.
" Hi Daddy, it's Genesis and I..." Jesslyn said on the phone.
" Hi girls… How was your trip down to your schools…. You both got down there okay?" Rick asked
" Yeah we're okay it was a real long drive but we made it okay….. we just thought to give you a call after we settled to see if you were okay." Genesis spoke up.
" I do miss you both it's gonna be rough alittle bit with you guys now in college.. but I promise you girls me and Riley will be okay and we'll fly out to come see you sometime soon."
" We both love you Dad more than you know…. Please get some sleep soon you sound tired and if I were Mom I would make you rest just to make sure you were taken care of..." Genesis pointed out
Genesis wasn't lying either she was right, Rick was running himself beyond what he should where he was hardly sleeping enough he wasn't focusing right or eating enough like he once had. It was almost as if he was trying to make himself suffer or to make himself sick enough. Genesis and Jesslyn both knew something wasn't right but they also didn't want to give up going to school so they decided they were gonna call every day to make sure Rick was taking care of himself.
Early the next morning Rick got up to start breakfast for Riley but didn't make any for himself. Trying to hide it was one thing but once Riley or Alice were to catch on, he knew he wasn't gonna not hear about it.
" Dad you have to eat too…. Mom would be mad if you were to try to pull not having breakfast…" Riley pointed out
" Riley I plan to just get something at the hospital, while I'm gonna be over there. Do you have your new bus schedule for this year?" Rick spoke up
" Yes I have it Dad… I don't know why I can't just walk to school… when it's not so far."
" Because I want you safe when going to school Riley and with the way people drive some of the time or with there being thugs out on the streets, I don't want to be called or paged to the emergency room that you're coming in because someone hit you or attacked you. So you're taking the bus."
" Dad I didn't mean to upset you…." Riley sat back while looking over at Rick
" You didn't sport….. I just don't want something to happen to you."
" I'll be okay Dad… I've always known that you or mom wouldn't let anything happen…. I better get to school… I'll see you later."
" Hey Riley…. You have a good day at school okay? I'll see you later at the hospital when we go to see Gail." Rick called out before giving Riley a hug as he was leaving for school.
After Riley left for school, Rick started behind at home for alittle while going to just have time for himself. At first it seemed to be okay but Rick finally started to feel just how silent the house was with him there by himself.. the silence became loud enough that Rick finally got up and left for
the hospital because he felt if he stayed there any more, it would open the wounds that he had and some of them have never seemed to heal as the stark reminder that Lesley was gone and the girls were all grown up and on their own.
" Georgia, would you hold off on checking me in…. There's a couple things I need to do and do you know if Gail has checked in yet?" Rick asked
" Gail has checked in, she's in the cafeteria with Monica… I don't mean to butt in but Rick are you alright?" Georgia asked with concern
" I'm fine… I just haven't slept good lately is all.."
Rick went to the cafeteria to see if he could see Gail alittle earlier than in the afternoon as he wanted to find out why Lesley had kept coming to him and why he would keep waking up every time she would say to him what is it that he was afraid of about forgiving not only himself but forgiving her. He hasn't been able to understand why he would wake up for no reason.
" Would 10:00 work okay for you Rick?" Gail asked easily but carefully.
" Yes, that would be fine… I just don't know what else to do at this point and I've tried to deal with it for awhile now but I think it's now time to see you about it to figure it all out." Rick admitted.
" We will Rick I promise that." Gail assured Rick before heading up to start her work with a few patients as Rick went up to go over paperwork in his office before his appointment at 10:00.
" Rick, is this a bad time?" Monica asked when stepping into his office
" What is it Monica I have alot going on right now." Rick bit out
" I am not trying to intrude on you Rick, I just want to be there as a friend..."
Rick started to see that Monica was telling the truth that she just wanted to help him but he also didn't really care to get the real help he truly needed because to get it, it meant that Lesley was truly gone and she would finally move on from always as Rick told Gail appearing in his dreams at night.
" Monica I'm sorry but I don't want you to get involved with anything of what became my life. I just want to be left alone."
" Lesley wouldn't want me to let you drown like this as much as I wish I could change the things I once did to you and her, she wouldn't want you to suffer with this. Her death is not your fault. You did everything you could do. She loved everything about you Rick…"
" Monica I don't want nor need a lecture about my wife and what you think she'd want for me… I need to be alone and find my own place to deal with it." Rick stated
" I refuse to turn away from you! You would be there for me if I was in this situation. So I'm not turning away…. I'm sorry.. I didn't come to upset you.. I came because Cunningham is out with pneumonia and I don't have anyone else to assist with a triple bypass and I was praying that this one time you would help."
" No, I don't have any reason to go back into full practice. I'm only still on staff as a consultant and nothing beyond that right now. Find Noah Drake and have him assist." Rick replied firmly and showed Monica the door
" You know Rick I cannot fathom for the life of me figure out what Lesley always saw in you so much because if she were here to see this she would have your rear end on a silver platter and she'd scold you for deserting your patients. You really need to move on and get over the past."
Monica walked off not caring what she just said to Rick knowing it was gonna piss him off as she again had told him he needed to get over the past in referral to Lesley's passing and the fact that it had been 2 years and 6 months that she passed away in their home. Not going to put up with Monica's antics anymore, Rick decided to go to Steve directly about Monica's behavioral means and requested that she be told to leave him alone entirely from that moment on.
" I cannot put up with her antics anymore Steve and this is about the 3rd time now that Monica has tried to undermine how I'm trying to cope or deal with losing my wife. I want her to leave me alone about it and to be told under orders to stop trying to push me into going back to full medical practice before I even remotely feel that I can. I'm still trying to get through a night where I get a decent amount of sleep without waking up and I've had no luck because I go bed thinking i'll be alright and there I am later with Lesley sitting on a bench ready to say the same thing to me from each time before and then before I can say something back, I suddenly wake up without cause."
" I will do something about Monica's harassment in the meantime. Why don't you go home and rest…. Take an easy for a few days Rick."
" Because I'm due in Gail's office in about 10 minutes for a sessional meeting and then I got paperwork in my desk I have to finish." Rick answered and shook Steve's hand thanking him for listening as always.
Rick waited for about another 20 minutes as Gail was just finishing with her 9:00 appointment. " I'm sorry I kept you waiting, Rick."
" It's no problem Gail. I know as you do that sometimes things go over alittle time… I had to speak and see Steve anyway about Monica and her antics."
" What kind of antics is Monica doing that you feel you have to go to Steve" Gail asked carefully seeing that Rick was upset.
" She's continued to say that I need to stop living in the past and I need to move on with somebody… I mean she hasn't said those exact words regarding moving on with someone else but she's continued to remind me that I need to stop thinking that anything I do won't bring my wife back to me. And how my status here on staff is a waste because I don't feel that I'm ready to be here with practicing medicine right now…. I just… I'm not ready Gail and I don't know that I ever will be again."
" It's alright Rick…. It's a process that sooner or later we will all go through. You had to sit and watch as Lesley was struggling to get through her situation with the cancer and everything else she went through. And the biggest part to that trauma was when she did pass." Gail moved to sit by Rick fora moment
" That was the moment Gail…. that moment shattered everything in me… getting to hold her that was easy because I took every chance there was to hold her… the moment I caved and told her it was okay to go that was what nearly killed me… it broke my heart because I knew she was ready to go but I wasn't gonna ever be ready." Rick tried to stay in control the best he could
" I don't think any of us could ever be ready to let someone go."
Before Rick could stop himself, he found himself telling Gail everything leading to Lesley's last few moments.
" She started having trouble almost immediately after her final appointment with the oncologist and I brought her home." Rick started as he started thinking back to after he brought Lesley home where she started hospice care at home
~~
" It's alright Lesley… I'm not going anywhere." Rick spoke up when Lesley gripped onto Rick's arm afraid he was gonna step away.
" Please… don't leave me alone Rick." Lesley started coughing again. " I ne-need you." Lesley begun to cry realizing that she really wasn't gonna get better again.
" I could never ever leave my beautiful little bug.. not for anything in the world…. Lesley I love you more than anything else… if I didn't have you I don't know where I would be."
" I love you Rick…. I love you so much I don't think I could ever have loved anyone else…. I'm just sorry I hurt you this way and you have to watch me like this."
" Hey nothing will ever change or make me want to leave your side. You need to try to get some rest." Rick kissed Lesley on the forehead and made sure she was comfortable.
~~
" She'd always tell me she was sorry because she always thought that she was somehow hurting me because she couldn't get better… I always had told her that she could never hurt anybody no matter if she wanted to; it just wasn't in her nature." Rick continued to open up
" I want to take you back Rick to the moment she passed away… I want you to as easy as you can, tell me what you did first."
" I didn't do anything…. I just sat there Gail… I just sat there with her in my arms in the chair.." Rick stopped talking as he started to tear up in his eyes, thinking about the moment Lesley stopped breathing and when her heart stopped.
" Easy Rick… it's okay to show what it makes you feel…." Gail said carefully, remembering that it was difficult for Rick to talk about.
" I just I couldn't bring myself to turn off the monitor… I just… I couldn't do it so I just sat there with her in my arms as if I was holding one of the kids when they were little and they had trouble sleeping. She had buried her head on my shoulder like she always did when we laid together… she was so still….. like she was in acoma from the time that we had the accident… but I couldn't find it in my heart to put her down… I couldn't let her go.. even when Jessie.."
Gail decided that they needed to take a break for alittle bit before they wrapped up their morning session and had later told Rick that they would come back later that afternoon when it was easier for him.
" I'm sorry Gail, I didn't mean to lose control like this..."
" Don't apologize Rick… do you hear me… this is why you come to see me Rick it's why you're here… this is where you can say what you feel show what it makes you feel when talking about Lesley and what she went through; what you both went through with her battle and when she died. This is one of the many reasons I went into psychology. To help folks who have been through things just as you have and who struggle to get past those traumas to heal." Gail replied.
" I don't think I can heal Gail…. Lesley was my life… and without her I… I just don't know how much more I can try to get through without her with me."
" I can understand that Rick, especially with how long we've all worked and been together as friends even before you came back after Jeff was told you were in a plane crash while in Africa. When you and Lesley had just met she was patient herself trying to recover from the trauma of
getting into an accident with the husband she had before you. Lesley always talked about that time… she specifically said that that time was the most gifted time she had been given, not because she was free from the abuse she suffered from Cameron."
" I remember when I first took her out on a formal date… she had more nerves than I thought to count." Rick started to smile slightly while sensing that Lesley was watching as she always does.
~~
" I won't bite… I promise" Rick held out a hand
" Thank you… I guess I'm already more nervous than I realized…. After I was married to Cameron… it wasn't always like this between him and I.."
" I can promise you this… I will never treat you like anything less than for who you are as a woman and for who I hope to be one of my dearest friends to come." Rick smiled when Lesley tried to hide hers
" Have you grown up here all your life?" Lesley asked
Rick and Lesley talked and told each other about the other and where and how they grew up. They didn't really see that time flew by and by the time they left the restaurant, it was near 11:00 and Lesley had to be in at the hospital for work by 6 for her first day back since the accident.
" Thank you for tonight, I had a very nice time… and I appreciate that you wanted to take me out tonight… I hope that we can maybe do it again sometime in the future." Lesley gave Rick a kiss on the cheek before she was about to step inside for the night.
~~
" That night was perfect… she even kissed me.." Rick held up his hand to his cheek. " I told her around 3 weeks later I wanted her for myself and I wanted to, if she did, to be more than just friends and colleagues… and I will never forget that night when I told her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her…. She kissed me and from that moment we weren't just as a couple, we were as one…"
" Rick, I think it's time we address the elephant in the room…." Gail treaded carefully but sternly about it
" I was wondering if we would get along to that..."
" You said Lesley's been coming to you at night again." Gail started
Gail and Rick spoke about his sleeping issue for maybe another hour as Rick still had trouble understanding why he would wake up when he was in a deep sleep in the middle of the night.
" I think I have a good idea for why Lesley continues to come to you, why she continues to come back to you in your dreams at night again. She's searching Rick."
" What is there to look for? I don't understand." Rick looked confused
" Lesley is searching to get you to forgive your past. She's in her own way telling you that the only way for you to have peace and for her to rest is for you to forgive her and yourself…"
" I can't do that…. I can't go on lying to myself when I know I could've tried harder to help her…."
" Rick, it's not about what you could or couldn't do… You know above anyone else knew that you did everything you were able to do to help Lesley. Just as she fought the best way she knew she could have to get through the hardest battle. And even when she passed away in your arms she knew what you were about to face. Rick, what is it that you are afraid of by forgiving Lesley and yourself?"
" I'm not afraid… there's nothing to forgive Lesley for… sure she hid and covered up her medical stuff for awhile but I've never held that against her.. I couldn't."
" That's where it lies Rick… and I think that's where it is, that Lesley believes you are holding something back from forgiveness because each time before you have stated there's nothing to forgive her for, I'm the only one who did wrong. It's almost as if you're trying to convince within yourself that you are at fault. But Rick…. It was not your fault. Lesley passed away because she was sick, not because you couldn't help her."
" And she kept it from me… she always said she was okay… she'd be fine…" Rick started to feel like he was losing his control.
" Keeping that frustration inside Rick is what's gonna tare into you the more you suppress your emotion and Lesley would want you to tell her like it is, tell her how it's getting to you. Like you always told her… let it out and just tell her that you're upset. Even if you're angry with her Rick it's okay to express that to you it's okay to tell her. It's part of getting out your feelings and working through your grief." Gail stated while trying to help Rick.
" How she could think I could just go on with my life without her I will never understand. I can't understand how she had kept telling me she was okay, she was alright…. I wanted her to get better. I needed her to get better and here it's been 2 years and nearly 7months and she's not here…. I can't talk to her, I can't tell her I love her. I can't do anything for her. It's even harder with just Riley now at the house and with the girls in college."
" It's okay Rick to tell her you're angry with this and with her…. And the more you express it and even show it, the easier it'll be for you to move towards that forgiveness that you can't reciprocate to yourself and to Lesley."
Rick and Gail wrapped up their morning session that ran longer than expected as Gail knew that Rick was dealing with serious demons and more baggage than she expected. Getting Rick to admit he was upset with the whole situation and upset with Lesley was one thing, but to get him to admit that he had to forgive her was still a whole other story as it was clear to Gail he wasn't even remotely ready to admit nevermind to accept that there ever was something to forgive Lesley for.
Over the next few weeks, Rick continued to see Gail and had continued to bring Riley in as well when he was out of school for the summer and even as the Girls had came home for some of the summer to spend time as always with both him and Riley.
" Riley can you pick up in your room please…" Rick asked..
" Yeah I was about to go and get to that before I go to hang out with some of my friends… Dad, is there something wrong.?" Riley asked
" It's just one of those days where I miss your mom pal… but I'm okay…. I think I'm starting to work through some of the things as a grown up that we have to face when going through a crisis or sad situation like we have…"
" I miss mom too…. Sometimes I wonder if she's there watching or if she's proud of me that I'm gonna be graduating a year ahead of my class next year." Riley sat on the couch after putting his stuff down.
" I don't wonder or question if she's proud of you Riley because like me I know she is and she always will be proud of her little boy… especially because you faced alot of challenges from the night you were born until we first brought you home."
Rick sat by Riley while they talked for alittle while and the ironic thing was, only Riley knew that Genesis and Jesslyn had planned to come home for a surprise visit for a few weeks.