Genesis and Jesslyn didn't get to the house for another couple hours which was perfect timing as Rick has gone to bed and Riley stayed up to see them get home okay before going to bed himself, he wasn't sure the time but he was sure it was near midnight and soon rather if the girls got in our not he was gonna have to get to bed if he was gonna be able to go to school.
" I was wondering when you guys were gonna get in… I was gonna have to get to sleep soon for school."
" I know we took so long… it's good to see you. How've you been lately, and Dad.?" Jesslyn asked
" We're okay…. Dad's trying.. you know how that's been. He kept your room together so you'd have it when you come home to visit."
" You go on up to bed… and we'll see you tomorrow when you get home after school." Genesis and Jesslyn gave Riley a long hug before they all went to bed or rather Riley went to bed as the girls had taken alittle time to get settled and to make morning plans for surprising Rick for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.
As it was typical, Rick seemed to be okay with getting the sleep he needed until Lesley had came to him again but this time she wasn't gonna leave without hoping to finally get him to admit he was holding onto something she knew he had to let go of.
" Just as beautiful as you've always were. I just wish you could be there with me again."
" I never really left you Rick…. I've been in your heart from day 1. I just wish you'd see that." Lesley laid a hand on Rick's face.
" I've kept everything you had with me when I lost you… I still have everything I just can't part with anything, not even your ashes…. Lesley I just can't do it." Rick and Lesley had kissed him right then.
" it's alright Rick… I can't expect you to. It just shows more of how much the love we had and will always have, is still going. I just wish you'd let go of the burden of guilt and I wish you would admit that there was something you haven't forgiven me for. Please Rick please forgive me and yourself…"
Lesley pleaded with Rick again hoping he would finally admit and forgive what she felt she needed from him. " I don't know that I can Lesley." Rick stood up.
" I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant for it to have gone this way. I love you so much Rick."
" You didn't hurt me… the situation, and allowing you to die. That yes that hurt. I trusted the medical team we had. I trusted that you'd get better… but you didn't that yes hurts the most." Rick shouted alittle
" I need you to forgive us both Rick… so you can be able to let me go.." Lesley started to say when Rick turned and shot her a look.
" Let you go…. You think I haven't done that already! I had to watch you struggle to get through the day and night. I held you when you left us.. I sat 3 hours trying to work up the strength just to put you back in our bed before Jessie and I finally took you to the hospital. Hell, I couldn't even turn off the main monitor after I lost you… I said goodbye to you before I cremated you and later took your ashes home. I already had to let you go. I am not doing it again.!"
" Rick, I didn't want to leave you… I never wanted to… If I could go back and do everything all over again I would do alot of things differently. I would've been more honest about what was going on."
" Lesley I don't really care about the past… I've only ever cared about you. That's all I ever cared about was you." Rick answered back
" I need you to forgive and let all of this rest Rick. You can't heal or rest unless you do and I can't rest until you have found it in yourself to forgive me." Lesley pleaded again
Before Rick could speak again Rick abruptly woke up again only this time he woke up to Riley shaking him slightly when Riley woke up to Rick talking alittle louder in his sleep and Riley only could assume that he had another dream and it was of Lesley like usual only this time Riley was more concerned that Rick was gonna need more help with his sleeping struggle.
" Dad I was hearing you again… and I got worried so I wanted to see that you were okay." Riley said hoping he wasn't in any trouble when waking Rick up.
" I'm okay Riley… It was just a bad dream is all… Are you gonna be heading for school or were you planning to stay home today?" Rick sat up and assured Riley that he wasn't in trouble.
" Oh I was gonna go and just finish out the last day and see friends before they leave for the summer and some of them are going to other schools. But I'll come home before lunch. Try to go back and get some sleep. You could use it."
Riley left to get ready for school and helped Jesslyn and Genesis set a surprise up for Rick knowing that he was gonna try to get more sleep but without any luck and the girls were ecstatic to pull this off and before Rick was about to come down, Riley pretended to have left earlier for school but did have his stuff ready for when he was actually gonna leave. Genesis and Jesslyn made sure they couldn't be seen when Rick finally did make it downstairs and he saw that breakfast was set up for him. Stunned and confused Rick didn't know who was in the house and slightly thought Riley had someone over but shot that idea out the window when he realized that Riley was still young enough that he didn't have anyone like that and then he maybe thought of the possibility that the girls were in town and back home but shot that down as they called the day before as they call everyday and told him they had a final exam for that morning and weren't gonna be in until later that night.
Genesis watched Rick sit on the couch and later walked up behind to cover his eyes like Jesslyn did a few times in the past to surprise him and Rick's smile showed when he saw both of his girls standing with him and when he saw Riley standing there too he knew Riley knew about it and pulled his kids for a hug.
" I thought you girls weren't gonna be coming until tonight?" Rick got out with a smile.
" We made Riley stay quiet about us coming so we could surprise you for summer break. Plus we thought to come home to see you anyway. Thought maybe you might need us." Genesis replied
" I appreciate that girls really I do and I know it worries you to be away from home when you worry about me but I'm okay… it's far from easy but i'll get through it somehow." Rick threw an arm over both his girls and sat back on the couch with them.
" Daddy don't do that… don't pretend you're okay we all know that you are far from being okay. We still go to counseling too… it's not as good as seeing Aunt Gail, but we still go…. We think and talk about Mom all the time. As a matter of fact we are gonna enroll at PCU and finish out there closer to home.." Jesslyn stated.
" Yeah I already looked at their premed programs and later next week we're heading back to get our stuff.. Dad, you need us more right now than we need to be away for school and all of that. Our careers will be there but you mean more than that to us…. And if Mom were here, she'd agree with us that family is far more precious than not being there when family needs us most." Genesis said, hoping Rick understood what they were doing.
Rick didn't know what to say or to think at what the girls were doing all he could see was their concern for him and the fact that he was slowly drowning in everything he went through from losing Lesley was in reality slowing killing him medically as Genesis caught on that he wasn't doing much for himself since they had gone to school not too long ago.
" Girls I know that you're worried but I have to face this in a way that I can try to make it through. It's not a fight that I should expect or would want for either of you to battle for me. I am very proud of both of you and how much you've accomplished together."
" Dad it's not about us or Riley or how we plan to continue to accomplish our goals…. Right now you need us.. And we need to be there when it matters most. Mom would expect us to be there when you need us and right now you need your family. Sometimes we think you're too stubborn to admit when you really need us." Genesis answered.
Rick and the kids spent the day together as well as had also made alittle time to stop by where they buried part of Lesley's ashes just to spend some time while they were in town.
" Hi Mom, we came back from school just as we promised we would… We miss you so much you know that… everything just hasn't been the same since you've been gone."
" Yeah sometimes we question or wonder if you're there watching for us or if you're proud of everything that's happened with Genesis and I… We love you Momma, we love you and we miss you like crazy." Jesslyn added shortly after.
Watching the girls as always, Lesley couldn't help but feel the love that she wishes she could express or show them again, though to see that her girls were all grown up and they were doing great for themselves, she could help but feel proud of them.
" Genesis do you feel that?" Jesslyn asked when she felt as if Lesley was there with a hand on her shoulder.
" Yeah… mom's here with us as she's always been from the beginning." Genesis smiled.
Back at the house, Gail paid Rick a visit as he called for them to talk. Hoping that Gail could finally help him solve his dilemma of finding the closure he needed as well as he had to face that he needed to forgive himself and Lesley before he can truly heal and find peace.
" Gail thanks for coming to try to help find answers… I just feel like I can't do it anymore on my own because everytime I try, I just feel like i'm failing to do it on my own."
" Rick, what you have to do is weigh in the factors that have you feel like this altogether. Lesley had to fight through so many medical things that normally she would've died from but she fought like hell to survive and she found out she was not only sick and having to fight against the cancer for a 3rd time, she learned and found out she was terminal and that is where you are holding yourself at fault because you couldn't help her get better or help make her problem go away when the facts were, you already did everything you could to help her."
" She had so much to live for, so much to give and that damn cancer just didn't leave her alone. It wouldn't let her just live her life. It wouldn't let her enjoy Christmas or the kids' birthday. She couldn't even sit up or reach out when she wanted to hold one of their hands."
" It's time for you to let go of the burden…. It's time for you to forgive yourself and forgive Lesley. She needs you to let go of this guilt so she can truly be at peace and you can be as well because it would allow you to heal."
" I don't know that I can forgive her, Gail… She's gone…. She isn't here…" Rick stood up and turned to the fireplace.
" You can Rick but in order to do so, you have to admit that there is something there to forgive her for. It's the only way that you can even remotely begin to forgive."
" Gail I know that I can face it…. When Lesley died I lost everything…."
" Rick, you went through a traumatic experience… you had to sit by only to be able to give supportive type of care with the knowledge that Lesley wasn't gonna get better and when it finally came down to her last moments she passed in your arms. That for you was far more traumatizing than alot of us would be able to imagine."
" I just wish I could've taken her place."
Rick and Gail finished out the morning and he thanked her for her help and later spent the day with the kids as he wanted to before they went back to school to get their rest of their stuff so
they could finish out the rest of their college courses close to home. A couple of days after the girls had returned with the rest of their stuff and started their 3rd year of their degrees while Riley started his second year of junior high and Rick continued to see Gail and eventually gathered the courage to spend the first night in 2 years and 8 months since Lesley passed in their bedroom.
" Goodnight Dad. We'll see you in the morning before we head for our classes." Genesis and Jesslyn both gave him a hug before they went up to bed.
" Goodnight girls. You guys sleep good and tomorrow you girls have a good day." Rick hugged him back and everyone went their separate ways for the night. Of course Rick naturally had trouble but this time he was hopefully sure that this time he was gonna be able to finally allow himself to rest.
" Just beautiful…. I never forgotten on how beautiful you really are." Rick smiled when Lesley was in the near distance.
" Rick I love you very much and I wish that I hadn't lost the battle I knew I wasn't going to win. I just wish that I didn't hurt you." Lesley looked up at Rick
" Lesley you never were the one that hurt me. You don't even know the meaning of the word. I just wish that I had taken your place. You had so much you could've given and you would've been able to see the girls graduate."
" Rick, you did everything you ever thought you could and I was happy. That night I had peace… I had you and if I had to choose again between where I would've been. I wouldn't change where I was… because Rick I was with you at home and it's where I was meant to be."
" Lesley I love you… I love you very much."
" I need you to let me go…. I need you to finally give yourself some peace and forgive yourself and me…. Please Rick." Lesley tried again in hopes that Rick would finally forgive her.
" Lesley I don't know that I can forgive you…. I don't know that I can let it all go."
" Rick I know that I hurt you and I know that you wanted Jerry to keep the Chemotherapy going and treatment but Rick, treatment wasn't going to change anything that happened. And I would've died anyway. I just didn't want to end up dying in a hospital. I wanted to be home with the love of my life where I knew I was loved." Lesley answered
" Lesley… I wish you would've let me get you into better treatment… I wish you had allowed me to get you the help you needed but I gave in and I just let you have your way and I lost you along with myself."
" Rick, will you forgive me and let go of your guilt? Please….. It's the only thing that is keeping me from being at peace and it's keeping you from healing."
Seeing that Rick was silent, Lesley reached and took ahold of Rick's hand " I know now what you're afraid of…. And you don't have to be Rick because I will never leave you. You will never lose me because you're one and only true love."
Before Rick had woken up for the morning, Rick had finally admitted and told Lesley that he forgives her and he had let go of his guilt that held him in his own hell… Rick woke up and suddenly felt a sense of peace as he also had felt like this bag of heavy weights was lifted off his back and while he knew he had finally forgiven Lesley, he still felt that she was with him.
Through the next few of years everything seemed to be going well Genesis started her residency with General Hospital and begun her journey of following into Lesley's footsteps and Jesslyn started her work as a social worker for troubled kids while Riley was starting his senior year which Rick couldn't be any more proud of how grown the kids have become especially since Lesley had passed away just 11 years earlier.
" Dad, are you sure you're feeling alright?" Genesis asked
" I'm fine sweetheart, just tired from everything going on and I didn't sleep much last night." Rick answered while Genesis knew better.
" I think you need to get checked out Dad." Genesis insisted and Rick immediately stood up
" No, I don't want to do that. I said that I'm fine and I will be that way."
" Dad, don't do this. Don't act like you can't face finding out if there is something that's treatable where we won't have to lose you too.."
" Just drop it right now Genesis alright. I don't want to deal with this right at this moment."
Rick went upstairs to lay down hoping to relax only instead of being able to relax, this time Rick knew it was just a matter of time before he had to tell the kids about his cranial tumor but to think about how happy everybody is he didn't want to take that away especially after things went back to normal for the girls after Jessie passed away in her sleep just 1 year earlier.
~~~
" Gene, is everything okay with Daddy? He seems more upset lately…. Like he isn't himself at all." Jesslyn asked
" I think Dad's hiding something…. Or there's something he's trying to keep from us.." Genesis answered
" Makes sense…. We just got through losing Aunt Jessie last year… to think that we could lose him too and this soon it would be too much on us right now especially for Riley….. we got to have at least Daddy at our graduation.. if we were to lose Daddy too before his it would devastate him to not have either one there for his."
" That's true but he should still include us about what's wrong… it's part on why we moved back for him to be there… I went into medicine for a reason… I know I can help him but getting him to accept that is something else."
" Gene…. Alot happened since Momma… it looks to me that he's probably trying to spare us the same baggage he's carried all these years after we lost Momma. Course I'm just guessing but I think that's what he's trying to do." Jesslyn replied while thinking of a few times she spent sitting with Lesley and just after she learned that she was terminal
~~
" Snoopi what is it…. What's bothering you.?" Lesley asked
" How do you do that... I keep wondering about that.?" Jesslyn said when looking back towards Lesley
" How I do what.? Know when you're upset or thinking about something.?" Lesley asked with a smile
" Yes… you always seem to know."
Lesley reached and took Jesslyn's hands. " Because you're my baby, growing up or not.. A mother will always know when their kids are upset. Do you want to talk about it.?" Lesley said when looking at Jesslyn
" I overheard Aunt Jessie… Please tell me it isn't true and you're gonna get better?"
" Baby I wish I could…. I wish I could wake up tomorrow to tell you that I don't have any type of cancer… but that wouldn't be fair or right as a mother for me to do that to you. It's been bad enough that I haven't found the right words to tell your father…"
" Momma, I don't wanna lose you. I need you."
" Come here baby…" Lesley hugged Jesslyn " Sweetheart I know that you are gonna have trouble with this and I know it's gonna be difficult for you but I promise you i'm gonna fight this right until I'm not able to."
" I guess I should let you try to rest. I love you Momma."
" Jesslyn I love you more than anything else in this world… I promise you I will fight this… I will fight this as long and as hard as I can." Lesley pulled up alittle more to give Jesslyn a hug.
~~
" I guess you're right…. We all went through our own personal hell when Mom died then again with Aunt Jessie and we're still healing from losing her… I just hope we don't lose him too."
" I think that goes both ways for us and Riley..."
Over the following couple of weeks, Genesis kept a close watch as she noticed a few symptoms that were hard not to see even though Rick tried hard to hide it from both Riley and the girls.
" Dad I know that you don't want to talk about it but please at least talk to me… I know about the tumors…" Genesis pointed out and added before Rick could say something " I'm in Oncology and Hematology did you think you could hide it long from me.?"
" Genesis I don't want to hide anything from anybody… but I don't want you and your sister and your brother involved in anything… you guys have gone through enough. I just don't want you to think that you can do anything about this when you can't." Rick replied with a straight answer
" Dad what are you talking about…. Of course there's options for you to do something about this. And you will." Genesis tried not to sound upset while shocked
" No Genesis…. I made my choices with this and I made my peace with it.. Sweetheart I just don't want to fuss and deal with all of it."
" So that's it? You're just gonna give up… you're not gonna at least try to fight this.?"
" I'm sorry… I don't want this to hurt you or anybody…. Ladybug look at me…. Nothing has ever made me any more proud than I ever will be of you, the work you accomplished as you followed into your mother's footsteps as a doctor or the way you've helped to make sure your brother and I are okay. And nothing will ever change what was mine and your mother's most special times. The night you and your sister were born and then later on when your brother came into the picture. Those moments Genesis were the proudest moments we both had of you kids."
" Please fight this. Get this treated, have somebody operate. You can't just give up." Genesis pleaded with Rick to go into treatment
" Even if I could, I've already spoken to the head of surgery… tumors are inoperable.. so they can't operate even if I were to go for that."
Later in the evening Rick stayed up and thought about his conversation with Genesis and the way it ended. He didn't mean to hurt her feelings about the situation or to upset her. It was the opposite; he wanted to do something, he wished he could but the fact stood clear that Monica was clear that where the tumors lied it made surgery and even Chemotherapy and radiation impossible.
" Daddy, are you okay? How come you're still up?" Jesslyn asked and joined him on the couch.
" It's just one of those nights…. That and the conversation with Genesis earlier..." Rick looked away.
" Daddy don't do that…. That's what Momma always did when she thought she was gonna hurt me…. I understand that you don't want to do anything about what's going on." Jesslyn reached for Rick's hand.
" I think I understand it alittle too well Daddy… I don't like it and I do wish you would do treatment, but I understand why you don't want to."
" Sometimes I think you're alittle more like your mother than you realize… you know that?... Sweetheart, I would give nothing than to not have anything to worry about. Do you remember the week before you guys stayed with Audrey and Steve when you and I were with your mom.?"
" How could I not remember…. She was starting to become so weak.. I thought she was gonna pass right then.." Jesslyn thought back about the last couple of weeks before Lesley had passed away
~~
" Hi Momma… it's just Daddy and me.. Gene and Riley are both in school. I stayed home." Jesslyn sat right at Lesley's side.
Lesley tried her best to stay awake but because of her condition she was hardly able to communicate like she did once before.
" It's alright Lesley…. We're right here. We're right by your side." Rick reached and rubbed on her hand.
" We love you Momma… I just hope you know just how much you mean to us." Jesslyn tried to hold herself together.
~~
Everyone went to bed for the night but not before Genesis made sure that Rick took his medication and later she went to bed. Only to wake up later around 6:30 in the morning as Riley
had gone in to tell Rick he'd see him later after school but saw that Rick had collapsed and taken a bad fall after having a few seizures and breaking a few ribs.
" Genesis, Jesslyn come quick… Dad won't wake up and he's on the floor."
Genesis shot up quickly to assess Rick's condition. " Riley call the hospital now and then call to get an ambulance."
" Dad can you hear me…. I need you to stay with me."
" Genesis… Is he.." Jesslyn asked quickly
" No he has a pulse but it's rapid and his pressure is dropping. Where's the damn ambulance.!?"
Genesis rode with Rick in the ambulance while Jesslyn and Riley followed behind as the hospital was notified that Rick was being rushed in by ambulance. It took maybe alittle over an hour but it felt like eternity to Jesslyn and Riley who were hoping that Rick was gonna pull through.
" Dr Daniels…. What's my father's prognosis.?" Genesis asked
" He's lucky to be alive… I won't know more until I get another few scans and blood work." Dr Daniels answered
" Jack, that is my father in there…. I am a doctor, the same as you and same as him. I want it straight. He was down way too long when we found him. What are his chances of his recovery from the lack of oxygen..." Genesis stopped Dr Daniels from walking away that moment
" Genesis it's too soon to tell yet however judging by the time it took to resuscitate I would most likely say his chances of waking up are grim at best."
Genesis slid down the wall after hearing what the neurologist said in disbelief that the chances were slim that Rick wasn't gonna wake up when he was fine not long before he went to bed just the night before and to think that she had to tell Jesslyn and Riley that they were gonna have to say goodbye to their father too.